Original subtitles

[twinkling music]

[twinkling music]

- At the current rate of global warming,

what is the effect on migration patterns

of the Snowy Owl or "ookpik"?

Okay, well I would start by saying--

- Out of my chair!

- Casey! - Oh, I'm sorry, Marti.

I'm just flipping through my cue cards for the Casey Condensation Method.

- Casey Constipation Method? - Absolutely correct.

- It's “condensation”.

I condense all the information from my study materials

until they fit on the cue cards. Isn't that cool?

- Not really. - Casey prides herself on her advanced study methods.

- Yeah, I pride myself on my advanced relaxation methods.

- Why are you so chillz? You haven't studied at all and exams are in 2 weeks.

- How do you know I haven't studied? - Because you practice

the Derek Procrastination Method. - What's procrastination?

- I'll tell you tomorrow.

- It means putting everything off for as long as possible.

So, Derek, have you even thought about a university?

- Yes! I'm thinking of university right now, you know?

The parties, the girls... oooh, the party girls.

- But, Derek, there won't be any university parties in your future

if you don't study in the present! Because Derek, the future is now!

- ♪ Used to be my mother and my sister and me ♪

♪ A happy little family and all right with me ♪

♪ But Mom got married, that's when everything changed ♪

♪ Some things were lost and others were gained ♪

♪ A new school... A new house... ♪

♪ So many changes it makes my head spin ♪

♪ Now I've got a brother who gets under my skin ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Lizzie, Edwin, George and Nora ♪

♪ Marti and Casey ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

- It's natural to worry about the future,

especially if you want to be ready for life after high school.

Cuz if you're not ready, you could be in

for a rude awakening. Derek.

- Okay, so today's bio, tomorrow's eco.

When should I start geo? - What-o?

- Just my study schedule for the week. - Oh, Sam, you study?

Say it ain't so. - For exams this big? Yeah I do.

Grade 11 marks go on your transcripts when you apply to university.

- Oh, whatever you say, Casey.

Look, Dude, stop worrying about your grades

and start worrying about what hockey scholarship we're gonna get

because I'm thinking: Hawaii U.

- Dude, I don't think Hawaii U has a hockey team.

- Alright. Tahiti U.

- Em! You're just in time. - I know! It's turkey burger day!

- I meant for the lunchtime quiz.

- Casey, lunch is for eating and gossiping, not thinking.

Besides you can afford to take a break, okay? You get straight As.

- Yeah! And they have to stay straight if I want to be

a doctor specializing in infectious diseases,

or a lawyer specializing in international law,

or a civil engineer specializing in,

um... civil engineering.

I'm sure there's something you want to get into, too?

- Yeah. A turkey burger.

And if we don't get in line now, we'll be stuck with the schnitzel.

Schnitzel!

- Fine, okay if I get the right year

of the storming of the Bastille, I'm allowed to eat.

1789?

1789! Turkey, here I come!

The turkey!

Wasn't it a great lunch?

What's wrong, Em?

- Maybe it was trying to digest my turkey burger while

you were forcing the French Revolution down my throat.

- Sorry. - Mm...

...they posted the exam schedule.

- What?

Excuse me, pardon me.

Move it!

Are you kidding me?! - What's wrong?

- My English exam is on Tuesday, Geography is on Wednesday

and Biology is on Friday! You know, this is just ridiculous!

- Why? - Because I prepared

my Casey Condensation cue cards with bio first,

English second and geography third!

- That is ridiculous.

Stop flipping, okay? You'll be fine.

- Yeah.

I'll be fine. Totally fine.

It's just, now exams seem so real.

[Bell]

- I think it's time for a reality check.

So we need to have a chat.

- I appreciate the concern, Paul, but don't worry about my grades. I don't.

Until the appropriate time.

- Yes, ‘cause you cram the night before?

- I see you're familiar with the, ah, Derek Procrastination Method.

- Aren't you worried about the university applications?

- Oh, not you, too, Paul!

Look, what I excel at is hockey

and once these schools see my sweet slap shot,

they won't even notice my C average.

- Derek, you have a D average. - D?

- D. And there are minimum requirements

for an athletic scholarship.

Look, you need at least a B for a school to take you seriously.

- Well, who wants to be taken seriously?

Fine, I will hit the books a little harder next year in grade 12

and then it's Bahamas U, here I come!

- That's too late. You need to start studying now!

- You need to stop studying. Now.

- Just one more question! I got one wrong in the bathroom

so I just want to get one right. Endoplasmic reticulum.

- Vacuole? This can't be happening!

- There is such a thing as over studying. - No Paul,

there is such a thing as under-knowing.

Oooh! What's that? Study tips?

- Breathing exercises to help you with, ah, what's that word?

- [Together]: Relax?

- I can't. I gotta get back to work!

Bye!

♪♪

Could you keep it down, Liz? I'm trying to study.

♪ - Still too loud, Liz.

♪ - I can still hear it!

- Perfect. Thanks Liz!

♪ - Lizzie!

- How bad is it? - Alright, well, I've run the numbers

and I've discovered that the best way to turn a D

into a B is to stick a line right here.

Huh? - I am not amused.

- Okay, just trying to keep things light.

Now, based on my calculations, if you want to bump up those Ds to an acceptable level,

you're going to need to get all Bs

on your exams and at least one A+.

- Oh, well,

I guess I've got no choice.

- What, you're gonna work?

- Yeah.

Work at bucking the system.

- Nice!

- Hey, Mr. Angelino! How's my favourite teacher?

- You mean Mr. Pugsley who lets you nap in class?

Yeah, he retired 2 years ago.

- Ha ha! You're hilarious! Ever consider doing stand-up?

- No. But I am familiar with your routine.

- Hey, ah, Mr. Angelino,

I do have something for you, token of appreciation.

- Right behind home plate, all-you-can-eat nachos, a free bevvie.

- Actually, Mr. Venturi, I have something for you.

- Oh! - This was circulating the staff room.

“Said petition is to notify Derek Venturi

that we the teachers will not be charmed,

bribed or sweet-talked into giving

Derek special treatment on his final examinations.

Signed the faculty of Sir John Sparrow Thompson High.” - Oh, look at that!

You signed it twice! - Yeah.

- Who knew teachers had such a great sense of humour?

- These exams aren't a laughing matter, Derek.

- And I understand that.

So how's your lovely wife?

- You're studying? Well, what happened to bucking the system?

- Ah, so you bucked!

Well, how're you getting out of your exams?

- Well, I'm not. I figure why go to university when I can just live

a life of leisure? - Don't you already lead that life?

- Yeah, but now I'm going to do it full time. - Wow!

My own brother. A snow bum.

- Ed? Get off my chairlift, now!

- Yeah.

- Derek, I am in trouble!

- Yeah, I know, but you won't be if you move away from the TV. - I need you to test me

because I've been lying in bed testing myself and nothing is working!

It's like I've totally lost my mind!

- Yeah, if you think I'm going to test you, then you definitely have!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm planning my future.

- Snowboarding? You're gonna be a snowboarder?

- No, a snow bum. It's totally different.

- Teach me, Derek. Teach me not to worry about tests and exams!

Teach me not to care about my future!

- Well, for starters, I'd get rid of those cue cards.

- Oh, great idea! Whoa!

Actually, ah, maybe I should hang on to those, just in case.

- Uh-huh. Yeah, you have your future...

I'll have mine.

- Hey! Hey, look, it's Derek! - Hello! - Hey Derek!

- Derek! Come on in!

[Unintelligible greetings]

- Watch the gear there.

- The return of the meal moocher!

- Hey, I work hard, you know?

I cross country skied,

cross country, to get here! - Oh look,

our wonderfully successful daughter is jetting off, yet again.

- Hi! Here's a little something-something I brought back for each of you

while negotiating a treaty in the Hague.

What's going on overseas? Yup!

Yup. Sounds tricky, but doable.

[Horn] - Oh, well, that must be my limo.

Adieu my beautiful family. Goodbye, snow bum! - We'll miss you!

- Derek, you better hand over that dirty laundry. - Hey, did you catch

any good powder? - Would you like to borrow some money?

- How's your job at the rope tow? - Are you growing a beard?

- Huh? The future is now.

- Uh, Dad? - Not until you pay me back the first loan.

- Actually, it's a... it's an academic matter.

- What's up?

- Well, I've decided to... to...

work a little harder to pull up my end of term grades.

- Finally!

Do you know that I have waited for, like, what...

11 years for you to realize that grades matter.

And you know what? With a little hard work,

you're going to have no problems bumping up those Cs. Ha ha!

- Ds. Ha ha!

- Ds? - Yeah.

- How can you get into university

with Ds, Derek?

Why did you not come to me, like, 11 years ago?

Ds? D? It can't

be done! You know what?

A lifetime of slacking has finally caught up with you!

I've failed as a father! You have failed as a son!

- So you'll help me?

- Of course.

- I have forgotten everything I ever knew!

- You just need to de-stress.

We've talked and we've decided that the usual course

of chamomile and hot chocolate isn't going to be enough.

- So we've drawn up a more extensive relaxation program.

- We've even called in extra help.

- Alright, I've cancelled

all of my playdates. Where do we start?

- Well, first we start by taking away

all those nasty study notes. - Don't touch those!

- How about we put them under the bed, for now,

okay, Case?

- Okay, Mom. - There you go.

Good girl.

- Okay, each day breaks down like so:

sleep, 5 hours. Meals, 1 hour.

- Which leaves 18 study hours a day.

- You got 7 days, 6 subjects.

That's 21 hours a subject. - And what about bathroom breaks?

- Uh, can't you hold it in for a week?

- Edwin, we can't ask him to do that, it's not healthy.

- Fine. No bathing for a week. - Ah, if that's all it takes, I'll do it.

- Yeah. - But we do have a bigger problem.

Somebody's got to teach me the study material?

- ‘Kay, you know what? We'll find you a tutor.

- Yeah. - Good call. Think blond.

- I am thinking blond: Dad.

- Dad? - Me? - Yeah.

- Okay! Now don't peek!

Okay, open!

- Welcome to the Noralizzie Spa.

- Whoa! This is...

sweet.

You... you did all this for me? - Ah-ha.

- Yeah.

- Uh! Did Edwin forget to empty the tub after his bath again?

- No, it's Green Tea. Good for revitalizing the body.

- Oh, wonderful!

Um, you want me to steep?

- They had this at a spa I was at.

Trust me, it is very relaxing.

- What are you doing? That avocado isn't for guacamole!

- It isn't? Then I've been making guacamole wrong this whole time!

- No, it's for Casey's facial mask to ease the soul. - Yeah, well we're trying

to ease Derek's mind by filling his stomach. - How's the studying

going anyway? - Considering he hasn't cracked a text book in 15 years?

Not bad. - Good for Derek. - I meant my Dad.

How's the relaxation room? - We're having a great time. - So Casey's relaxing?

- I meant my Mom. Casey's bouncing off the walls.

- Well, Derek needs guac,

so I would try a cream cheese mask instead.

- No way!

You're not going anywhere with that. - Oh, you wouldn't dare!

- Oh, okay, okay! You'd dare, you'd dare!

Just to warn you, I put... put onion in that.

- Thank you.

- Ow! - Sorry.

I'm not used to clipping other people's toe nails.

- Just do what I do: Bite them off.

- I've never given a French manicure before.

- It's okay. French, Spanish, Italian. Oh.

- It's okay, I'm... I'm still very relaxed.

- Is there onion in this? - Mm mm.

- Okay, so absolute zero is defined

as zero K on the Kelvin scale.

- Which is what? - I know! It's a thermo--

- No, not you... Derek.

- Ah, it's a thermo...

...dynamic temperature scale.

- That's right! That's right, right?

- That's right! - Eh! I got it right!

- Alright! We have now done

chapter 1 of the physics textbook.

Let us move on to mathematics.

- Alright, Dad! Well, I've had a look at the grade 11 math textbook

and I got a question. - What's that? - What in the world made you

think that I could teach Derek grade 11 math? - Desperation?

- Yeah, I know the feeling. - Don't worry about it, Derek, don't worry about it.

How ‘bout we just move on to, ah, chemistry? - You know chemistry?

- I will after tonight. - Great.

- I just have to go to the bathroom.

What am I gonna do? - And don't worry

it's just a minor flesh wound.

HUH!

- How's the relaxing going? - Terrible.

How's the studying going? - Oh, well I, ah,

I know that absolute zero on the Kelvin scale is 3.14 degrees.

- That's pi, Derek. Absolute zero in Kelvin is zero degrees.

After Joule determined the mechanical equivalent of heat,

Kelvin devised a scale of absolute temperature

based solely on the fundamental law of thermodynamics.

- You're making me feel really confident.

- Me too! Do it... do it again! - Do what?

- Get an answer wrong. Um, when did the French Revolution start?

- Ay, yi... 1799?

- That's when it ended! Isn't this great?

- Well, I'm sure the French were relieved. - Derek, when I correct you,

it all comes back! I can cure me by teaching you. So whaddya say?

- I say... what?

- Boys, I'm taking over using the Casey Condensation Method

and I don't want to hear any arguments!

- You won't! - Good luck!

- You'll need it. - De-rek!

- Sam, I'm scared. - Yeah, it's the first day of exams. You should be scared.

Speaking of which, have you seen Derek? He hasn't returned my call in days!

- You didn't hear? - Hear what? Is he okay?

- He's far from okay, he's been... studying.

- No way!

- Yeah and you'll never guess who his tutor is.

- I can't do this!

I can't! I-- - Casey, Casey...

yes, yes you can. Just pretend that I got an answer wrong

and you're explaining why. - Okay.

- Okay? - Got it.

- Derek, nice to see you dressed for the occasion.

- Oh, yeah! We were up late studying.

- Glad to hear it. And believe it or not,

some of the teachers are rooting for you. - Oh.

- Including me...

and my lovely wife.

- Huh?

- Whoa! - Exams are complete.

[Unintelligible greetings]

- Whoa, come on, let's go! - Okay.

- Ha! We did it. - You did it.

- Thanks, Case.

- Hey! I did it!

- You got all As?

- No! I got three Bs, two B pluses and an...

A plus. Oh!

- Gym? - Gym. - Haha!

I am very, very proud of you son.

- I am very, very proud of me, too. - You seem awfully calm?

Does that mean...? - Four A pluses and one A.

- Gym? - Gym.

- Oh, Casey that's wonderful.

- What's even more wonderful? Is you two helped each other out.

- Yeah. Yeah, that was pretty great. - Yeah, you know what?

Next year maybe I'll teach you the Derek Downsizing Method... get that A up to an A plus.

That's just where I take the test material break it down, put it on little cue cards.

- Derek! That's the Casey Condensation Method.

- Casey Conde-who? Never heard of it.

But when you're ready to learn, let me know.

The future is now, Case.

Closed captioning by SETTE inc.

- Paul, what I excel at is hockey.

And once these schools see my sweet, sleep - slap, shleep.

- Pfffahaha!

- Once these schools see my sweet sleepsh - slap - shleep.

- Paul, what I excel is hockey and what the one--

- How's he dry by - blah!

- Sorry!

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

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