Original subtitles

[twinkling music]

[twinkling music]

- Chin up, Derek. You'll get 'em next time.

- My chin is up, Dad! So can we just forget about this?

- Congratulations Derek!

- You shoulda let me call ahead.

- Congratulations? You got your driver's license?

- Not... Exactly.

- You failed for the... Fourth time?

- I didn't fail!

I'm just... pass-ily-challenged.

- What's that mean? - It means he failed.

- I really thought the fourth time was a charm.

- Ah, well, the fourth time wasn't so charming.

So why don't we all go on with our Saturdays and forget all about this, huh?

- I was so sure you were going to get it this time.

- Well, obviously Derek doesn't get it! 'Cuz since I started taking driving lessons,

I've learned a lot about being a defensive driver.

And maybe if Derek didn't drive so recklessly...

- Oh, I don't drive recklessly. I drive confidently.

- [George]: Well, maybe a bit too confidently.

You should try being more cautious.

- Oh, yeah, cuz I really want some tips from 'Crash Test Georgie'.

- Look, I'm sure when I take my driving test next Saturday--

- Next Saturday? I'm taking my first road test next Saturday!

How funny would it be if I got my license before you?

♪♪♪ - Hysterical.

- ♪ Used to be my mother and my sister and me ♪

♪ A happy little family and all right with me ♪

♪ But Mom got married that's when everything changed ♪

♪ Some things were lost and others were gained ♪

♪ A new school, a new house ♪

♪ So many changes it makes my head spin ♪

♪ Now I've got a brother who gets under my skin ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Lizzie, Edwin, George and Nora, Marti and Casey ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

lotta guys think driving is their thing,

like they own the road, like they were born to drive!

So for certain guys failing the driving test

can be a big ego bruiser.

Hm! Poor Derek.

- Ah! As the checkered flags wave,

Derek Venturi leaves little Eddy V in the dust.

- Alright, Derek, you've beat me 8 straight.

I need a pit stop. - Fine. But say it first.

- Derek, you're the king of the road

and the fact that you don't have your driver's license is a crime.

- Good! You can go. - Thank you.

- Making yourself feel better by beating your little brother in a video game?

- Hey, Road Tour 3000 is a driving simulation apparatus

that sharpens hand eye coordination.

- Well, if you wanna hit the real road,

you can join me and my Mom. She's gonna teach me how to drive.

[Laughing]

- What's so funny?

- Well, the idea of being taught to drive by a woman.

I mean, everybody knows your species

doesn't drive as well as men because, well, you don't have the driving gene.

- Oh, okay! Well, if men have the driving gene

then how do you explain George?

- Well the driving gene musta skipped his generation

cuz I drive nothing like him!

- Yeah I know, cuz as bad as he is,

at least he tries to be a cautious driver.

Which you should probably consider if you wanna pass your...

Fifth road test.

- I didn't fail because of my driving.

I failed because of Olga! - Who's Olga?

- ♪ Hey baby do you wanna go ♪

♪ For a ride? ♪

[Turns off the music] - [Derek]: Ah!

Hey, hey, hey, Olga!

Well, let's do this thing.

- Aren't you forgetting something?

- Oh yeah.

♪♪♪

- I meant your seatbelt!

♪♪♪

- Clearly a woman of her gender doesn't respect my driving style.

- C'mon, Derek, we both know there's no Olga!

You're just in denial about your driving deficiencies.

- Wha??? Hey, Olga is very real!

And the only thing my driving is deficient of is a license.

And there is no way you're getting your license before me.

- Sorry D, but with my defensive driving,

I will definitely get my license before you!

And at the rate you're failing, so will Marti.

♪♪♪ - Alright.

Care to make this argument a little more interesting? - How so?

- The last one to get their license pays the other's gas for a year.

- Deal! May the best driver win.

[Honking]

- Ah! I don't know how I did it, but I did it!

I managed to get you all

to your tae kwon-bowling-dance- playdate-friends' houses on time.

- Actually, I was late and missed the first 4 frames of my bowling game.

- And I missed the warm up in tae kwon do.

- So, isn't there something else you'd like to say to me?

- Oh, yeah, what's for dinner? - Ooh! Can we have pizza? - Mmmm.

- I was hoping for a 'thanks Mom'.

- Pizza! - Thanks, Mom! - [Edwin]: Thanks, Nora!

- So, ah, what's the deal with the pizza?

- Well, I was the last to get picked up at the party, so I got to take this home!

- George. Didn't, didn't you read my schedule?

- Of course... not.

But only because I was in a huge rush to get to the grocery store

and then rush back here because I forgot the grocery list.

- George, you gotta get your act together for this Saturday cuz

I'm going away for my girls' weekend. - We are?

- Mom means with her friends.

- Oh, so it's an 'old girls' weekend.

- Not funny Edwin.

- Yeah, George, explain comedy to Derek Junior later.

Right now we've gotta figure out how you're gonna do

all the driving alone next weekend when it's a 2-person job.

- Nora, I can handle the driving.

♪♪♪

As long as Derek finally gets his license.

- Hey, what about Casey? - Oh, right! Yeah, Casey too.

- So it's a date then! - Oh, we look forward to it.

Twin double date!

I told you my line would work!

- Your line? You mean, ah, 'Derek has a car'? - Genius, eh?

But you are gonna have your license on Saturday, right?

'Cuz I don't know if my Grandma's gonna be free for a triple date in her car.

- Relax! You don't have to ask your grandma out

because my Russian road block, aka Olga,

is going to be flying to Siberia Saturday,

so fifth time's gonna be a charm.

- And you've been studying the essential road rules?

- Test me.

- You approach a red light, good-looking girl in a convertible

pulls up next to you. What do you do?

- You nod head, honk horn, rev engine.

- Correct! I would also have accepted roll down the window

and go 'hey'. - Hey-ey-ey!

- Okay. Activate turn signal; align rear end with the front.

- What are you doing with your rear end?

- Driving visualization exercises.

My road test is tomorrow and I have to pass for the honour of female drivers everywhere!

- Maybe you should try some relaxation exercises.

- No, Em! No relaxation until I get my license and Derek fails his again!

- Casey look out! ♪♪♪

- Ralph! I am so sorry! Ah, I shoulda checked my blind spot!

- Ah, you mean the one right in front of you? Yeah, we had the right of way!

- It's okay, I'm fine. We have stars on the ceiling?

- Uh, Ralph, I think we better go to the nurse.

- Why, is she sick?

- Well, if you drive as well as you walk,

then that gas money is in the bank.

- Ah man, the activity schedule for this Saturday's just outta control.

- I'm sure you'll work it out. - Ah, George, I'm working this out for you so,

ah, why don't you have a seat and I'll walk you through it.

- Um, yeah. But you know what? I just have to--

- Mom, can you help me practice my parallel parking?

I still can't figure out how to turn and reverse at the same time.

- I'll take you! - Um, George!

How, how do I put this? Those who can do

and those who can't

shouldn't teach those who are trying to beat Derek at a gas bet.

- I've heard that. - I may not be the best driver,

but I am a precision parker.

♪♪♪

- Worst parker ever!

- I'm sure you're not that bad.

- Not me... George. He parallel parked right into a police car.

He's talking to the cop right now. - That's awful!

- Yeah, I know! 'Cuz my test is tomorrow and I haven't properly parallel parked once!

And if I can't parallel park, I can't pass the test!

Oh, if only I could convince Derek to cancel the gas bet.

- What's this about Derek's gas?

- Oh, it's, ah, not that gas!

It's gas for the car.

Casey and I have a little bet going on and I think we should reconsider it.

- Really? - Yeah.

I think we should make it more interesting

loser pays winner's car insurance. For a year.

- No way, Derek. - What, no faith in your womanly driving?

Afraid you'll fail cuz you're too busy putting on your make up?

Baking a cup cake? Folding laundry? Doing other...

Girlie stuff. - Casey is not afraid of failing!

- I'm not? - And she'll take the bet! - I will?

- Good! ♪♪♪

- Liz, do you have any idea how much car insurance is for a year?

- A lot? - Yeah!

- Hello, I am Olga, your driving examiner.

- You do exist! - Yes, I do.

So, whenever you are ready to begin.

- I'm sorry, I'm so nervous my hands keep slipping

from the proper 10 and 2 position to the 6 and 6 position.

- I appreciate conscientious driver.

- Oh, I am very conscientious.

You know, I've already memorized the whole drivers' manual!

Chapter 1: knowing your vehicle.

- Casey, it is okay to be nervous.

Now just proceed with caution.

- Oh, I always do!

- Maybe it's time to turn on vehicle.

- Turn it on? Yeah!

- Olga?

Aren't you supposed to be in Siberia?

- No, I leave for Moscow tomorrow.

So please begin.

- Okay. Ah... Step one: seatbelt.

Um, alrightie!

'Kay, step two: turn the car on.

And step three: adjust the mirror.

Looking pretty good, eh, Olga?

- Uh, Dad? I just found Nora's weekend schedule on the floor.

- You couldn't have! Because I have Nora's driving schedule right here.

- That is the driving schedule, but this is the house 'to do' list.

- There's stuff to do in the house? - Think it took care of itself?

- No. I just kinda hoped. - Hnh.

- I can't find my ballet suit!

- You guys haven't left for ballet yet?

George, you've gotta drive Marti now or else you won't be back in time to drive me

to my rock-climbing party! - And if she's late for her rock-climbing party

I'm gonna be late for bowling and all the stink-free shoes are gonna be taken!

- I got a better idea. Why don't we kind of just, hang out here instead?

- And how is that a better idea?

- Because--

- Bring on the pancakes! I got my driver's license!

- Ah, terrific! - Way to go sistah!

- And what about Derek?

- [Casey]: It was one small step for women...

One giant failure for Derek-kind.

[Door slamming]

Bye!

I just got Mom on her cell and she was really happy for me!

And really angry at you for still being at home

and not driving the kids to their things.

- There's a reason why I'm not.

It's a, it's a funny story really--

- Ah, George, can I borrow the car later?

I wanna do some victory laps around town to celebrate my victory over Derek.

- Yeah! Great idea!

And, and while you're celebrating,

can you, ah, drive Ed, Liz and Marti just to ah... a few places?

- Ah, but isn't driving the kids your job?

- Yeah, yeah but

I'm no longer legally allowed to do that job and, fortunately, you can!

- What did you do?

- Well, when I ever-so-slightly smashed that police car while we were parallel parking,

they ran my record through the computer and they found a few unpaid tickets.

- Oh, George! - In my defense, I get a lot of tickets

and it's just hard to keep track and... anyway,

they suspended my license. Know any good lawyers?

- Wait, so no men in this house can drive?

Why didn't Mom mention this to me?

- Uh... cuz I didn't tell her yet.

It's only a temporary suspension! I'm going to court next week

and I didn't want to ruin Nora's girls' weekend.

and I'm kind of embarrassed.

- But what about my girls' weekend?

I was gonna do some victory laps with Em and honk at cute boys.

But I'll help because that's the kind of person I am.

- Oh, thanks Casey.

- [Marti]: Dad I still can't find my tutu!

- Um, I, ah... - Check the monkey, George.

- Marti! Sir Monks-A-Lot, he took your tutu!

[Honking] ♪♪♪

- There'll be other double dates... with... twins.

Look, do we really wanna date some girls who are so shallow

that they only like us cuz I can drive a car?

Oh! Of course we do!

- Dad?

- Just a sec! Where's the bow?

- Uh, Dad. Think about it.

- Oh. Where are you going?

- Well, seeing as how I can't drive my own car, I'm thinking nowhere, fast.

- Good, good. Then you can take over the rest of the gift-wrapping.

I've gotta make lunch. - Gift-wrapping? That's women's work!

- I heard that! And, sorry, Derek, but you're gonna have to do some so-called women's work

with your Dad seeing as I'm the only licensed driver in this house.

- Dad, what did you do?

- I hit a parked cop car. - Oh, Dad!

- Ah! Here's your present!

- Uh, George? Next time think 2 words:

Gift. Bag.

- Hey, c'mon Liz. We have got to go.

- But if we leave now we're going to be, like, half an hour early.

- Not the way I drive!

- Thanks again Casey! - Bye guys! - Bye!

- Okay, um... now.

Yeah! I've gotta make lunch.

- Can I help you? - Yes, you can!

If you're not gonna wrap presents you can make sandwiches for the kids.

- Dad! It is Saturday. I failed my driving test!

I had to cancel a double date with twins and you're asking me to make sandwiches.

- Fine. Forget the sandwiches! How, how about mac & cheese?

- This is so unfair!

I am the one with a car gathering dust out in the garage

while Casey's out there exploring the freedom of the open road!

♪♪♪

- Der-ek!

What are you doing?

- Oh! I was napping, now I'm talking to you.

It's been a happenin' Saturday.

- Look, Derek, I know what it's like to have some difficulties behind the wheel.

- Oh! I drive nothing like you, nothing!

- What's that supposed to mean? - It means that I...

am a great driver and you

are an embarrassment to the Venturi name! - I'm an embarrassment?

Need I remind you that your great driving has resulted in five failures!

And this Venturi did not fail his test 5 times!

- How many times did you fail? - Twice!

♪♪♪ Thrice.

- You think you can out-drive me?

Well, why don't you put down the laundry and prove it?

And they're off!

Ah! Oh and at the first turn Venturi Junior takes the lead.

- But Venturi Senior pulls up alongside.

Oooh! They're neck and neck!

- Oh, but Venturi Junior pulls away. - Woo! Nice driving there, son.

- Ah, thanks, Dad! Ah, and you're keeping pretty good pace for a rookie racer.

- Actually I've raced Marti a few times. Course she usually wins.

- Hey, ah, Dad? You know what I said about,

uh, well, you're an embarrassment to the family and all that?

- Ah, forget it, forget it. I know what it's like to be a teenager and have no wheels.

Hey, hey, you cut me off!

- What is going on here?

- Oh, we're practicing driving.

- You wanna see us parallel park?

- You two are totally irresponsible!

George, you're supposed to be holding down the fort.

And you! I should be celebrating my glorious victory

and your crushing defeat, but instead I'm the family car jockey!

- Yeah that does seem like a lot of work.

And isn't it funny that even when I lose I still win?

- Oh, hilarious.

- Maybe having a license is more trouble than it's worth.

- What? - Yeah, maybe I'll just give up on the license and, uh...

Hey, can you drive me, Ralph and the twins to the movies later?

- Ah no, Derek, you will get your license because this family needs you!

So prepare to be taught how to drive... by a girl!

- No way! I would fail 1000 times before I'd be taught by you!

- Really?

- Smer-ek!

Smerek, you sideswiped my monkey!

- Oh, I'm sorry, Smarti.

- I thought Casey was teaching you how to drive like a woman?

- Nah, I don't need Casey's help!

And when I do get my license we'll have lots of fun.

We'll go get pizza and ice cream and all kinds of stuff that'll totally ruin your dinner.

- I don't think so, Derek. I wanna go with Casey.

- Why? - 'Cuz!

Casey's a careful driver and I heard that you drive restlessly.

- You mean recklessly.

- Yeah, well, that's not a very safe way to drive, right?

♪♪♪ - Right.

I cannot believe I'm doing this.

- What've we got to lose? Our license?

- Well, I am glad that you are both here and ready to learn

that driving isn't about going fast or looking cool.

It's about anticipating other driver's errors

and reacting safely to make up for their mistakes.

- I really don't think there's a danger of us, ah...

Looking cool.

- Okay, everyone fasten your seatbelts.

Okay! Now...

You're slowly approaching a stop sign when a car traveling

in the same direction in the left lane approaches the same stop sign. So you...?

- Race ahead. Get through the intersection!

- Hey! Hey! Back up buster. - Oh! Bad habit! - You hit my car!

- George, we're all in the same car.

Okay! Let's try this again, but this time,

we'll proceed with caution keeping a 2-second traveling distance,

coming to a complete and gentle stop.

- [Derek]: Hey! You're back!

- What's going on here? - Oh, I'm just teaching them how to drive.

- But George already knows how to drive.

Sort of.

- I got my license suspended.

- You what?

- Mom, can you drive me to the mall? I need to get some stuff for a project.

- And first I need to go to Teddy's.

- And I wanna go somewhere too! This house is a mess!

- Yeah! It certainly is.

C'mon kids, let's get outta here. George, you and I will, ah,

deal with this license thing later.

- Okay. I'll, I'll, ah, clean up the house.

♪♪♪

- Hey, hey! Going somewhere?

- Uh, I was gonna come to a safe and complete stop at the fridge.

- Mm.

- Keeping a 2-second traveling distance

and coming to a gentle and complete stop.

- If every young man drove with same safety and cautiousness

the roads would be safer place.

- Ah... Does that mean?

- Congratulations, Derek.

- I, I passed? I passed?!

Olga!

Woo hoo!

- A toast to Derek for getting his license. - Eh!

- Yeah! And to George for getting his license back!

- And to Nora and Casey for doing the extra driving while I couldn't.

- Yeah, it'll be nice to finally have 2 cars and 4 drivers to help out around here.

- Two cars?

No, no, no, nobody's using my car but me.

- What? - No Casey. Ah, it is, ah, Derek's car

so if he won't share it, then,

well, he can pay for the insurance all by himself.

- What? No! This can't be right.

- Oh, yeah it is cuz boys your age have a higher insurance rate.

I guess it pays to be a woman.

- Yeah, but if I had won that bet, a girl would be paying my insurance.

- Yeah, well, since you didn't win that bet, how about I pay for half the insurance

and I get to drive the car half the time? - A quarter.

- A third. - Fine! But you're free to use it...

Thursday, Friday,

carry the one... Never!

♪♪♪ - Der-ek!

He drives me crazy!

- At least he has the license to drive ya there.

♪♪♪

- [Nora]: George.

♪♪♪

- With my defensive drivering.

- Well, then that gas is as good as the bank is.

- [Laughing]: I'll help! I'll help!

- Seriously, which one, who's who?

- Ah! I'm sorry. Go back please?

- [George]: Thanks for asking. - [Derek]: I don't know what's going on here.

- ♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

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