Original subtitles

[twinkling music]

[twinkling music]

- Hey! - What's up? - You think that girl's cute?

- No! 'cause I'm not looking. - She's right over there.

- No, I'm not looking at that girl because I am not looking at girls, period.

It's part of my new philosophy. - You have a philosophy?

- Mm-hmm. - Well, give it up, oh wise Derocrates.

- Ah, Derocrates decrees that girls are trouble

and girlfriends - ooh - are even bigger trouble.

- And you achieved this higher level of understanding how?

By dating Kendra for 3 months?

Oh, and that waitress, Beth, for 3 days?

- Yes. But the same goes for all girls.

They demand to know your thoughts and feelings, your thoughts about those feelings

and I have absolutely no thoughts...

about feelings.

- Okay, so now that you're done with girls,

what are you going to focus on? Your schoolwork?

- Ha! Derocrates cares not for books!

Derocrates cares only for food and sport!

- Is girl-watching a sport? You know, 'cause I could look at her all day.

- Go ahead, waste your time, Samuel.

But remember how things worked out with your last girlfriend. What's her name again?

- Casey? - Yeah. Turned out to be a total time sucker.

- No, it didn't. We're good friends now. - Great!

Be the cute girl's friend - but don't ask her out.

The only way to feel good and live to

your full dude potential is to be single. - Dude, blonde at 5 o'clock.

- Ah, nice try, Sam, but I will not waste my time turning my head to look at some...

...really good-looking blonde girl.

Derocrates.

- ♪ Used to be my mother and my sister and me ♪

♪ A happy little family and all right with me ♪

♪ But Mom got married that's when everything changed ♪

♪ Some things were lost and others were gained ♪

♪ A new school, a new house ♪

♪ So many changes it makes my head spin ♪

♪ Now I've got a brother who gets under my skin ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Lizzie, Edwin, George and Nora, Marti and Casey ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

that they change.

That's what makes them so interesting and so... painful.

But you can't deny you feel feelings

'cause then you'll just end up feeling worse.

- So, uh, you want a drink? - I'm good.

- Okay. Ooh! Want to sneak into Edwin's room

and play that cool video game? - Maybe later.

- Okay. So, uh, what do you want to do?

- I don't know. Talk? - About what?

- I don't know. Stuff?

- What kind of stuff?

- Uh, I think I like you.

- Well, I hope you like me.

We hang out every day.

- No, I mean I like,

like, like you.

- Oh...

That's a lot of likes. - Yeah, I know.

- But it took us forever to convince the kids at school

we didn't like each other that way!

- I know, but I changed my mind.

- Well, you're not allowed to change your mind!

- Oh! I didn't know that!

- Well, now you do so, uh, see you at school tomorrow, okay?

- Uh... - Okay, bye.

- Uh, okay. Bye.

- I swear I wasn't listening!

Um, but my door's open if you ever want to talk.

- So, uh, George, you're going to call me every night, right?

- Call you what? - Ah, come on!

This is the longest we've been away from each other since we've been married.

- I know, I know, I know. I'm going to call you every day. - Guys, turn the TV off.

Your dad's going to Vancouver for three days - come say goodbye to him.

- There! I muted it.

Dad, have a nice time and bring me back something. [Turns the sound back on]

- Goodbye, Daddy. - Goodbye, sweetie.

- And you don't have to bring me back anything.

- Ah, thanks!

- But if you did, how about a stuffed duck?

- Got it! Stuffed...

Wait, you mean a toy stuffed duck

and not a real stuffed duck, right? - No!

- Hey, Sally. Guess you're the new girl.

- And you're the late guy. I, uh...

kindly picked up table 10's order for you. - Oh, thanks.

- No, don't thank me. Just don't expect me to pick up your slack.

- Oh, don't worry. You won't have to. - Yeah? That's not what I hear.

- Heard what from who? - From Beth.

- Ha-ha! You know Beth? - I know Beth. She's my best friend.

So don't think your cute smile and fake messy hair is going to work with me

'cause I'm not here to flirt like she was. I'm here to work.

- Yeah, so am I.

Oh, and for your information, my hair is naturally messy.

No big deal.

- Hey, Marti!

Got room for one more? - You want to watch cartoons with us?

Cool! Who do you want to sit next to?

- How about... Gomer, the Gecko? [Phone ringing]

- Good choice! He is good company to have around. - Hello? Sure. Hold on.

Hey, Lizzie. It's Jamie!

- Tell him I'll call back.

I'm watching TV with a gecko.

- Hey, Jamie?

Here's an excuse you don't hear too often.

- What's that?

- Oh, it's a bulgur burger, and yes, it tastes as bad as it sounds.

- Have you seen my large hummus? - Scu... 'Scuse me?

- My large hummus. I ordered it like twenty minutes ago.

- Oh, sorry. I thought that was my large hummus. I gave it to table 10.

- Oh, well that's okay.

I'll just take this.

- Uh, no you won't! I ordered that half an hour ago.

- You should've thought of that before you grabbed the hummus. - That's my burger!

[Ding!] - One large hummus is up!

- Ah! There you go. I think that's yours.

- Did you remember to call Jamie?

- Uh, I'll see him in school tomorrow.

- [Casey]: Liz, my door's still open if you want to talk. About anything.

- I don't want to talk. About anything!

- Hey, look! If you're going to break Jamie's heart you should get it over with.

Don't leave him hanging. - Did Casey tell you?

- No! I eavesdropped.

- Can't anyone have a private life in this house?

- Well, maybe Marti. She's kind of off in her own world.

- Lucky her!

- So, do you guys pool tips here?

'Cause I did pretty well tonight.

- Uh, it's okay. I did pretty well too.

- Oh, yeah? So how many girls did you hit on?

- None! I don't do that any more.

It's part of my new 'date- free/feeling good' philosophy.

- Oh, really? Well, Beth didn't tell me you're the philosophical type.

But now I know why you didn't hit on me 'cause I'm starting to get a little insulted.

- Then I must be a changed man. - Why? Did you get your heart broken?

- No. I just don't have one.

[Knock! Knock!]

- Shouldn't you do that in the mudroom? - Probably.

- Okay, then. Just came to say goodnight.

- No, you came to talk about Jamie. - Jamie?

Jamie? Now why does that name sound so familiar?

- Because he's my friend, who told me he liked me.

- Oh, that Jamie! I like that Jamie.

- Yeah, so did I. But now I can't stand that Jamie.

- Why?

- Because all those times we played soccer, ate pizza,

hung out as friends, it was all a lie!

- Liz, you can't be mad at Jamie for liking you.

- Yes, I can!

- But why can't someone be your friend and like you too?

- Because I don't know how to talk to him anymore!

I don't even want to see him. - Okay, well, maybe you're just not ready for a boyfriend.

- Maybe I am ready! Maybe I already like someone else.

- You are? You do? Who?

- Uh... Rod.

He's in my class, he's on my swim team and everyone thinks he's really cute.

- Ah, that's great! Poor Jamie.

- Poor me! I just lost my best friend!

- Come on, Liz. You don't have to lose him.

But you do have to talk to him.

- But how can I talk to him if I can't even look at him?

- Then just forget it. Yeah, fine. Bye.

[Bang!]

- I know you're new, but, uh,

we try not to break chairs here. - My boyfriend and I just had a fight.

- Sorry, not my field of expertise.

- He doesn't call me for a week and he's all like,

"How come you're not free?" How does he think that makes me feel?

- Sorry, are you asking me? 'Cause I don't do relationships, I don't talk relationships.

- You know, I should have dumped that guy weeks ago! Can I have a ride home?

- Wait, uh, that's it?

You're over it, just like that?

- Yeah.

- Wow. I can't say I've ever met a girl like you.

- Yeah, I'm pretty great. I got to go get changed. I'll see you out front.

[Birds chirping]

- Derek?

What am I doing here? It's 3 in the morning.

- It's never too late for some brotherly bonding.

- Are you having girl troubles and need some company to distract you?

- Just eat and watch sports, okay Sally?

- Did you just call me Sally? - No!

No.

[Giggling]

[School bell ringing]

- Okay, cool. So I'll see you Saturday?

- Yeah. See you. - Saturday?

- Uh, it's not what you think. - I think you asked her out.

- It's exactly what you think.

So let's hear how I ignored your philosophy, Derocrates. - Come on Sam.

You know I was just kidding about that whole 'no girls, no girlfriend' philosophy.

We're dudes! Dudes need girls. - Hum... what's her name?

- Sally. She's a new waitress at the restaurant.

- She cute? - Oh, very! And get this.

When she has a problem, she just fixes it - herself.

She doesn't go on and on about her problems. She's kind of like a guy!

But she's all woman!

- That's cool. Well, she sounds great. So, when are you asking her out?

- Well, she just dumped her boyfriend, so...

Carry the two... I'll give her a couple of days and turn on the charm.

- Nice.

- [On TV]: Olivier, I care about you.

Just not that way.

- Can we watch more cartoons? This is boring!

- Shhhh! - [On TV]: Sarah, you know you're in love with me!

- Olivier, that's not true! - Then kiss me and find out.

- Ew! I don't want to find out!

- Me neither! - [On TV]: Oh! No way...

- Hey, chickpeas. Anything good on?

- No. - Marti! Sarah was just about to tell Olivier

he was married to her sister before she married his doctor!

- I didn't know you watched soap operas. - Oh yeah.

They're really, uh, funny and all that love stuff is so funny.

- I don't think it's funny 'cause I have a crush on Zach in my class!

- [Lizzie and Nora]: You do? - Yeah.

Naomi likes him too

and we're best friends, but we talked and it's okay.

- I didn't know you liked boys, Marti. - Just the cute ones!

- You know, I thought your dad was so cute when I first met him.

'Course, I didn't know 'til later that I liked him.

- So, um, when did you figure that out?

- Actually, it was right here.

We'd been dating for a few weeks and he decided to make me a special dinner.

- Here you go. I, uh, hope you like it pink.

It's a little joke. 'Cause salmon's always pink. [Laughing]

- I like a man who can tell a good fish joke.

- Oh, really? 'Cause I got one about a gassy cod. - Nn-no.

- Or we can just talk about something else.

- Why don't you tell me about your, uh, your kids?

- Yeah! Well, I'm sure they'll all get along when they meet.

I mean if, if, if our 2 families meet.

I mean, if you think they should meet.

- Yeah, I think they should meet.

- So do I. [Nora choking]

It's a little dry? Here, have some water.

- So you're choking and you're thinking, "I really like this guy?"

- I don't know. Somewhere in there I just suddenly knew,

"This is the one." - Grownups are weird!

- Very weird. [Doorbell ringing]

If that's Jamie, I'm not here.

- Oh, hi Jamie!

Uh... Lizzie can't come to the door right now.

- Why? - Uh... I'm not really sure.

- Oh, well, can I come in and wait 'til you find out?

- Uh, okay. [Door opening]

- Hi Jamie! Uh, where's Liz?

- Uh, she might be upstairs.

- I'll go check!

- So you want to watch cartoons? - Sure.

[TV playing in the background]

- Uh, Liz?

Jamie's downstairs

and I don't think he's leaving 'til he talks to you.

- Sure he will! His curfew's 6:30.

- Look, Liz, I... I know this is really awkward,

but you've got to tell Jamie you don't feel the way he does.

- I can't do that here!

Marti'll be spying on me, Edwin'll be coaching me,

Mom'll be listening so she can call Jamie's Mom and discuss the whole thing. It's too public!

- Well, then you could go somewhere else to talk.

Like, um... like the park or Smelly Nellies.

- That's too private.

- Okay, um... Well... Well, if you want, I can come with you.

Unless you think that would be weird.

- No, that's not weird! That's good!

And promise you won't leave us alone! - Mm-hmm.

- And hey, you could just tell him how I feel and I could listen and nod?

- Hey! Jamie.

Come over to watch cartoons? By yourself?

- Not exactly.

- Oh! Good. See you.

- Derek, have you ever liked a girl

but she didn't like you that way?

- No, not really.

- Well, I told your stepsister I liked her

and now she's acting really strangely.

- Uh, Casey? She was born strange.

- No. The other one.

- Hey, Jamie!

Um, Lizzie was wondering if you'd like to come to Smelly Nellies with us after dinner.

- You, me and Lizzie? - Yep.

- That sounds... weird.

- Yeah, yeah, it really does. - Uh, but you'll come, right?

- Uh... Are you going to be there? 'Cause I might need a pep talk.

- Uh... yeah. But Casey,

just don't sit in my section 'cause I know how badly you tip.

- Bye, guys. Bye, Lizzie!

- Ah!

Isn't it so cute how Jamie looks up to you?

- Adorable. Can I go now?

- Look, Derek, you have got to be extra careful when dealing with kids this age.

'Cause this is a very tricky situation.

Lizzie is traumatized and Jamie could be scarred for life!

- Got it. - Don't you want to know why?

- No. - Lizzie doesn't like Jamie, she likes Rod! Isn't this awful?

- Casey, I don't do this! Okay? Great.

Wonderful. See you. Bye!

Hey, how you doing?

- Hi! I'm fine. How are you? - Oh, you know, it's all good.

So, you talked to your boyfriend last night?

- Oh yeah, all taken care of. - Really?

Wow, uh, you don't seem very upset.

- No. Why would I be?

- Here's trouble.

Hey! What can I get you guys?

- Hmm. Derek waiting on me? You know, I could get used to this.

- Yeah, well don't! 'Cause I'm only serving the kids.

- Fine. I guess I'll have to move to a different table.

- No! - Okay! [Derek clearing his throat]

I'll have a chocolate shake. - Yeah, me too.

And if you can bring me a sister who isn't a liar...

that would be great! - "No Casey."

Coming right up.

- Uh, Derek?

Can I ask you something? - Uh, uh... The bathroom's around the corner.

- No. What should I do?

Lizzie won't even look at me.

- Liz, just talk to him!

- Look, Jamie. I understand why you like Liz,

'cause unlike her sister, she's pretty cool.

But if she likes another guy, you just got to chillz.

- Lizzie likes another guy? - You don't know about Rod? - Lizzie likes Rod?

- See, this is why I don't get involved with this stuff!

- Jamie, we need to talk. - Finally!

- I'm sure Casey won't let me leave the restaurant if I don't.

- For your own good! - It's just...

I guess I was surprised when you said what you said.

- Lizzie, it's okay. I know you like Rod.

- Did Casey tell you? - No, Derek.

But it's chillz,

'cause, uh, I like other girls too...

Like, uh... Helen.

- Helen! Since when? - Since you started liking Rod!

- [Whispering]: Hey! You told him she likes Rod?

- I didn't know it was a secret! - Isn't it obvious? Now they're probably both going to cry!

- Oh! No crying in this restaurant!

- I don't want to hang out with Rod. I just think he's cute.

- Oh! That's... confusing.

- Look, maybe if you gave me some time

I could get used to the idea of you liking me.

And maybe...

me liking you.

- Really? Well...

Take your time.

Like me yet? [Lizzie giggling]

- Uh, hey, is everything okay over here?

- Yeah. Everything's okay.

- So your stepsisters were here? You should've introduced me.

- Sorry, uh...

I was caught in the middle of a little kids' soap opera. - Oh.

- Listen, um, you know my 'no-dating' rule?

- Yeah. - Well, turns out it was more of a... temporary philosophy.

- Oh, right!

So who is this cute customer that you've given up your philosophy for?

- Uh, actually it's not a customer. It's-

- Patrick! - Patrick? Who's Patrick? - What are you doing here?

- I thought I would surprise you. You know, make up for being such a jerk and everything.

So, let's go. I'm taking you out. - I can't do this now, Patrick.

- Why not? - Dude, you heard the lady.

She can't do this! Take a hint! It's over!

- What? No, it's not over. - Yes, it is.

- No, it's not! Is it? - No!

- Then why did you say it was? - Is this 'cause I vented to you yesterday?

- You vented to him? - Yeah! But it was surprisingly quick and painless.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Wait a second! Who are you?

- Oh, I'm Derek.

Uh, sorry dude! Guess I shouldn't have said what I said.

- And I shouldn't have said what I said, and when I said that I couldn't do this now,

what I meant was that I have to clean up before I go.

- Don't worry. I'll stay and clean up. You guys go ahead.

- Thanks, dude. - Yeah, thanks.

Hey, what was that about? - What do you mean?

- Well, you said that you don't get involved in relationships and that you don't have a heart

but it kind of seems like you did and you do.

- Sorry, it was a temporary slip. It won't happen again.

- So, that new waitress is pretty attractive. You hit on her yet?

- No. Staying single is the way to go.

Part of my new, new philosophy.

- She has a boyfriend, huh? - Yeah. - Yeah.

- Hey, everybody! I'm home! - Hey, George! How was the trip?

- It was- - George! - Daddy!

- Hey, everyone! - Hey, George! We missed you!

- George! Welcome home! - Hi, Daddy!

So? What'd you bring us?

- I got you all the finest gifts

that I could find... in the Vancouver airport.

- I got... a totem pole for Edwin.

- Ooh! Funky. - And I got a beaded bag for Lizzie.

- Awesome! - And I got a stuffed elephant for Marti.

- Daddy, I said a duck.

The elephant's adorable. [George laughing]

Now I... I figured the teenagers - you're much too old for gifts.

- Huh? - You figured wrong, George!

- Well, so just in case, I got you guys a couple of CDs.

- Oh, cool! - There you go! - Ah, thanks, G!

- Nora, I'm sorry! I just couldn't find anything for you!

- You are my present. - Oh, really? - Yeah.

- Oh! Well, then I guess you, uh, wouldn't be interested in this.

- I love presents! What is it? Come! Come on!

- Are you sure? - Yeah, come on.

Closed-Captioning by SETTE inc.

- Keep going!

- Everything okay o... over here?

- Hubba-hubba-hubba.

- Watch out! [Sound of shattering glass]

♪ Living life with Derek, living life with Derek ♪

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