Original subtitles

[twinkling music]

[twinkling music]

- You guys always eat like this?

- No, usually we eat out of a trough,

but tonight we're really trying to impress our guest.

- Hmm! Hmm! Hmm! Is it working?

- George. Chew, swallow and then talk.

So, uh, any news on the crush?

[ Coughing ]

- No. Molly Moskovitz is still playing hard to get.

[ Sigh ]

- What's a crush?

- It's when someone likes someone and then acts all weird around them.

- Wait, who's Molly Moskovitz?

- It's a girl that Edwin likes.

- Hmm!

- That is so cute.

- Trust me, it's not.

- Ed, you really gotta play the field.

- Derek, I hate baseball.

- No, I mean you can't just stick with one girl.

Right, Sam?

- Unless Edwin likes Molly. Right, Sam?

- Uh... you're both right.

- So, Sam, you got a girlfriend?

- No.

- I want Sam and Casey to crush on each other!

- Ha! Ha! Ha! [ Coughing ] - Ah!

- Oh, Sam! - Sorry.

- Ha! Ha! Ha!

- Well,

I don't know, it's not cool for guys to go after

the best friend's siblings right Derek?

- Yeah, I'm with you, dad. - Uh, we forgot ketchup.

- I say something wrong?

- ♪ Used to be my mother and my sister and me ♪

♪ A happy little family and all right with me ♪

♪ But Mom got married that's when everything changed ♪

♪ Some things were lost and others were gained ♪

♪ A new school, a new house ♪

♪ So many changes it makes my head spin ♪

♪ Now I've got a brother who gets under my skin ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Lizzie, Edwin, George and Nora, Marti and Casey ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

- Who would have thought that Derek, my obnoxious stepbrother,

would have a best friend who is so...

not obnoxious?

But just because I like him doesn't mean I think about him all the time.

- Looking for Sam?

- Uh, maybe.

But it's good to see you too, Em.

- Liar. So, any progress?

- Progress, no.

Major embarrassment, yes.

Derek invited him over for dinner,

and it was so uncomfortable.

But I am pretty sure he was flirting with me.

- Look, Casey, you don't go to an all-girl school anymore.

- Meaning? - Meaning at our school, things happen fast.

Gabby Ross and Mitch Kriegman started going out

yesterday in gym. By history class, they were history.

You need to ask him out.

- But I want Sam to ask me out,

and I'm almost sure he wants to.

- Okay, then he needs the opportunity,

like when he's not with Derek.

- Hmm, which is, like, never.

But, if I ever get a chance to talk to Sam alone,

I'll make sure I... - Jump him?

I'm just joking. - Hah!

- You can talk about him.

- Talk about who?

- The guy you like. - How do you know I like a guy?

- Well, you've been sitting there smiling

in silence for the last 5 min.

- So? Maybe I do like a guy,

but that doesn't mean I wanna talk about him.

- Okay. All right. What else is going on?

- Okay, he's totally cute,

and sweet and funny, but not in the,

"Hey, look at me, I'm totally cute and sweet and funny"

kind of way. And he's Derek's best friend and he likes dill pickle chips.

- Really? - I know. I think they taste like feet.

- No, I meant Derek. Is he cool with this?

- Derek doesn't care what I do, and vice-versa.

- Hmm. - Besides,

nothing's happened yet,

but hopefully, something will, soon.

Hey. I see you're enjoying a Derek-free meal.

- Yeah, he's convincing some girl to buy him lunch.

- Mind if I have a seat?

- No.

- So, uh, any big plans for the weekend?

- Yeah, well, me and Derek have our hockey playoffs tomorrow morning.

Come to see us play?

- Do you want me to come see you play?

- Sure. If you want.

- I would, but Derek says I'm bad luck.

- I don't think you're bad luck.

- So, um, any other plans for the weekend?

- Yeah, well...

actually, I was thinking maybe Saturday night, um, we could--

- Suzanne bought me lunch. Second time this week.

Oh, and if you're done harassing my friend, you can go.

- She wasn't harassing me. - Thanks.

We'll finish this later.

- Okay.

- Finish what?

- Nothing.

Um, so I was thinking, our game is pretty early tomorrow,

so, uh, maybe I could just crash at your place tonight?

- Yeah. You wanna see a movie?

- Yeah. Or we could just chill at your house.

- Why? Looking for some quality couch time with Casey?

- I figure we rest up for the game.

- Dude, admit it: You like her.

- You're crazy. - You're the worst liar ever.

I mean, have I taught you nothing?

But it's not a problem. I mean, you and I both know

you'd never really go for her, right?

- So why exactly would I never go for her?

- 'Cause you're a guy. And all guys follow the male code.

I mean, even my dad knew about it.

You have heard of the male code?

- It's my 2nd favourite code.

Right after Morse code.

- Oh, then you know rule number one:

Best friend's siblings are off-limits.

And yes, stepsibs too.

- Teenagers!

Guess what!

- What? - I won!

- Lizzie, that's great! Come here!

I knew you would. And you were worried!

- What are you guys talking about?

- My teammates voted me captain of the soccer team.

- I didn't know you wanted to be captain.

Actually, I didn't know soccer teams had captains.

- Hmm! Hmm! - Why didn't you mention it?

- I did, to George.

I just hope I can deliver on that goal-a-game promise.

- Ha! Ha! Hey, Edwin, did you congratulate your sister?

- You mean captain Lizzie? Of course.

We're both very proud of her.

- Both? - Me and Molly Moskovitz,

my 1st official girlfriend!

- Oh, ho! That is so great!

- That is so gross.

- Wait a second, I just found out yesterday you liked girls,

and now you have a girlfriend?

Promise me you'll let me know if you get married.

- I'll keep you in the loop.

- Hey, nice work, Ed! You get to 1st base?

- Hey, Derek. - What?

[ Knock! Knock! Knock! ] - I'll get it.

Hi. - Hey.

You sure you don't mind me crashing here?

- Sam's crashing here?

- You didn't ask them?

- Right. Uh, is it cool if Sam crashes here tonight?

- Yeah, of course. Sam, you're always welcome here.

Come on in.

- [Derek]: Edwin: Bags, my room, now.

- George, you don't think it's weird that I didn't know

about Lizzie wanting to be team captain, do you?

- No weirder than me not knowing Edwin likes a girl.

Or any girls. - Ha! Ha!

Or that Casey has a crush on Sam.

- Casey has a crush on Sam?

- Hmm-hmm. You didn't see her at dinner last night, did you?

- See what? - What?

She could barely make eye contact,

the way she was chewing her food...

- Oh, and then I said that stuff about going out

with your best friend's sibling.

Ooh, how stupid was that?

- Do you think we don't know our kids?

- Ha! Ha! We know all about them.

I mean... Well, I don't know all about Derek,

but in his case, it's better not to know.

- What about Marti? I mean, how well do we know Marti?

- She's 6, what's there to know?

- Lots! Like, what's her favourite colour?

- Green.

- That is so last month. She's on to blue, now.

- Oh. Well, you know, I didn't get the memo.

- You're not taking this seriously, are you?

- Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh, come on. What makes you say that?

- Good game?

- Yeah. And we're really thirsty. Mind getting us some drinks?

- Uh, I was talking to Sam and yes, I mind.

- Well, Sam wasn't talking to you.

- Sam can speak for himself.

How was the game, Sam? - Uh, fine.

- Well, if you're done interrogating my friend,

could you get those drinks? - Get them yourself!

- I'm busy, entertaining my guest.

- I can entertain him too. - Why don't I get the drinks?

- Casey, little tip for you:

Leave Sam alone, 'cause he's not interested.

- What makes you think I'm interested in Sam?

- Ha! Ha! You're kidding, right?

I mean, everyone knows, even Marti.

- Oh. Well...

well, how do you know that Sam's not interested in me?

- Because he's my best friend!

I can tell.

- Oh, really? 'Cause I get the feeling you have

a problem with us.

Well, if you do, I am sorry, but I am not gonna leave Sam alone.

- Fine, keep making a fool of yourself in front him.

- Fine, I will.

I thought you were just getting drinks?

You know, dinner's in half an hour.

- I didn't know. I'll put that back, then.

- No, no, it's okay, but, uh...

are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

- Are you sure? Because

you're treating me like Derek treats me.

- Yeah, I know.

I mean...

I should go wash up for dinner, uh...

- Okay, look,

I know we never really

talked about stuff, but

you're acting really freaky,

and I don't mean to put you on the spot,

but at lunch, I thought you were about to ask me out...

on a date.

- Why... why did you think that?

- 'Cause I thought that you liked me.

- Look, I'm really sorry, Casey, but...

I don't... like you like that.

- Uh... that's... that's cool.

My mistake. Uh...

I'll see you around...

the house, at dinner.

- You're here again?

- What can I say? I like the food.

- That's very sweet.

- Yeah, 'cause nobody likes our food.

- I thought you liked Sam, Smarty.

- I do. I want Casey to marry him.

[ Laughter ]

- Can somebody pass the peas? - I can.

- Actually, I changed my mind.

I don't want the peas after all.

[ Stifled laughter ]

- So Sam, did you know that Lizzie's now the captain of the soccer team?

- Captain of the soccer team, eh? That's pretty cool.

- Thanks. - Do you play any sports?

- No, I hate sports.

Did you think I liked sports? 'Cause I don't.

- Okay.

- So I guess we won't be seeing you at our hockey game tomorrow, then.

- No, I especially hate hockey.

- And so, Sam, did you hear about me and Molly Moskovitz?

We're going out.

- Cool. Congrats. - Hey.

- Yeah, isn't it great? We're all really happy for him.

Sam is a total, complete jerk!

- I thought you liked him?

- Who said I like Sam?

- It's pretty obvious, even George knows.

- Could this be more embarrassing?

Well, for the record, I did like Sam, but now I don't.

- What happened? - Nothing, that's what happened!

But you know what? I don't even care, 'cause I am so over him.

- You're not over him.

- Not even a little.

- Sorry about my super freak sister.

Good thing you're not into her, huh?

- Who said I'm not?

- Nice, dude. I almost believed you.

- Thanks.

Hey, you know this male code thing?

Do girls know about it?

- Why? You didn't mention it to...

a girl? - No.

- Good, because it's a male code rule,

and you do not talk about the male code with females.

Why do you ask?

- Ah, it doesn't matter. It's too late, anyway.

But no more girl talk, let's go play some video games.

- Cool.

- Oh, crushing body check!

- That was more like a blatant cross checking! Where's the ref?

- He's watching me skate with the puck. - Ah!

- Deke your defensemen. - Oh no!

- Shoot, scores!

And I win, again. Who's the Sam?

- Yeah, you're the Sam. Wanna play something else?

- Why, is the agony of defeat too painful for you?

- No. No, I just... just wanna play something else.

- Always has to be your way, huh?

- My house, so it's my house rules.

- Wow. Male codes, house rules...

You should really write a book. I mean,

just 'cause you don't read... [ Phone ring ]

- Hey, winning 4 games in a row does not mean you have

the right to trash talk all night.

[ Phone ring ]

- Now it's like a full-time job, telling me what to do, huh?

- Derek, phone! It's a girl!

I think it's Laurie.

Oh no, it's Lynn!

- Coming! Uh, I should get this.

- Lynn, do you crush on Derek?

- Hey! Get back here! - Come get it!

- Sorry, I didn't know you were in here.

- Uh, you still hungry?

There's apple pie left from dessert.

- You're offering me apple pie?

- What, you'd prefer peach?

- No, no, apple's good,

but... are we good?

- We're fine. Look, you're Derek's friend,

so I'm gonna have to see you a lot.

You said you don't like me, and I just have to accept that.

So let's move on, okay?

- Yeah, okay.

I'm a big idiot.

- [Derek]: Sam!

If you're into the pie, bring me some.

- Yeah, yeah, sure.

- Hi, is Molly there, please?

Yeah, it's Edwin again. [ Hang-up ]

Hello?

Hmm.

Nice chat with my girlfriend's mom. Sweet woman.

[ Phone ring ]

Molly?

Yeah, one sec. It's for you, it's Laurie.

- I'll take this upstairs.

Hey!

- So, you and my sister are on the outs, huh?

Oh, come on, we all know.

- Great.

So?

- So I think I can help you. With Casey.

- Really?

- Yeah! - Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Do you know your children?, an online quiz.

Sure you wanna do this?

- Yes! - No!

- If you know another way to prove we know our kids...

- Oh, we could just talk to them.

- Uh, we've tried that, and we still know nothing!

- That's not true! - I'll be the judge of that.

- All right, so let me guess: You like Casey,

but Derek doesn't want you guys to hook up?

- How do you know about anything?

- Well, I know you like Casey, because you have a picture of her in your pocket.

- Yeah, I should put that back, b--

- Focus, Sam, focus.

You can't let Derek get in the way of your happiness.

- But Derek's my best friend,

and there's this whole male code thing and...

why am I telling you this?

- Because we're both dudes.

And Derek would pound me for saying this,

but he's acting very undudelike.

- Dude, you think?

- Look, I've never read this male code book,

but if Derek really is your best friend,

he'd step aside and let you and Casey be together.

- Pretty smart, kid.

Are you sure you're Derek's brother?

- Hmm. I'm still waiting for the DNA results.

Teenagers!

- Sorry I was on the phone so long.

I mean, that girl can talk! - Don't worry about it.

- And where are you going? - Brush my teeth?

- Where's your toothbrush?

- I'll use yours.

- Very funny. Really, where're you going?

- Don't worry about it. There's something I need to do.

- No worries, just tell me where you're going.

- Come on, Derek, move.

- Make me.

- "Make me"? So now we're 10 again?

- I know you are, but what am I?

- You are 10.

What, are we gonna wrestle like we used to?

- Question 7: Name you children's favourite foods.

[ Timer ] Go.

- Derek likes pizza! - Edwin likes spaghetti.

- Marti likes anything green. Or is it blue?

- Blue? There's no blue food. - Blueberries!

- Oh, right! - Casey likes soy burgers, doesn't she?

- Yes! Who's left? - Um-hum!

- Lizzie! Lizzie likes...

- Oh, I know this! Something with meat!

- Meat... loaf. Meatballs?

- Meat pie? Meat cake? - Meat cake? What's a meat cake?

- I don't know. [ Ding! ]

- Time's up.

I'm sorry, the correct answer is:

Fish sticks.

Fish sticks.

- Seriously, dude, let me pass.

- Seriously, dude, just tell me where you're going.

- Fine, I'm gonna go talk to Casey. - Why?

- Well, I've thought about what Marti said,

and I'm gonna ask Casey to marry me.

- Oh, really? Can I be your best man?

- I wouldn't have it any other way.

- Well, welcome to the family, bro.

- Thanks, bro.

- I'll just calculate the results...

- So, how badly do we know our children?

- Well, let's see.

You didn't know my gym teacher's name.

- Jim the gym teacher, how could I forget that?

- You got Edwin's birthday wrong, day and year.

- I was told there would be no math.

- And neither of you knew Derek's been

stealing my tooth fairy money.

- Yes, but technically, that wasn't part of the quiz.

- Fine. I won't count that.

But your score is still 2 out of 20.

And any score less than 6,

I'm supposed to call a social worker.

- I'll dial.

- Thanks, Lizzie.

[ Grunts ]

What's going on out there?

- [Derek]: Wrestling!

- Well, just be careful of the furniture.

- Okay!

- Good night. - [Derek and Sam]: Good night!

- Good night.

- Good night. - Good night. - Good night.

[ Sounds of struggle ] - What is going on?

- Nothing, leave!

- No! Tell her, Derek! Tell her about your stupid male code!

- Wait, that's why we're wrestling? - What male code?

- The one that says guys can't date their friends' sisters.

Yeah, and stepsibs count.

- Dude, you do not talk to girls about the male code.

- You told him that? What is wrong with you?

Would it have killed you to just butt out?

Like me liking your best friend is so threatening to you!

- Okay, don't blame me. Sam's the one who listened to me.

- You're right.

What is wrong with you? How could you listen to Derek?

- I don't know, I'm an idiot.

- Yeah, you are. Which is why you both deserve each other.

And I don't want to be responsible for ruining

10 years of friendship between 2 idiots!

- Well, can't say I'm sorry it didn't work out between you 2,

but, uh, seriously, dude,

how funny would that have been, you and Casey?

Too soon for jokes, huh?

- You know what, man, maybe I'm just gonna go watch TV.

[ Sigh ]

[ Sports event on TV ]

- Go talk to Casey.

[ Turns off TV ] - What?

- Dude, do I have to spell it out for you?

If you wanna go talk to Casey, it's cool with me.

- I don't need your permission.

- Apparently, you do.

Now go, before I find the mind I clearly have lost.

[ Sports event on TV ]

- D.

Thanks, man.

[ Knock! Knock! Knock! ]

- What?

- Look, I'm...

I'm really sorry.

I should have never listened to Derek.

I should have listened to Edwin, but...

um...

I'm shy or... or stupid. I don't know what I am,

but, uh... I think

you're a really cool person,

and you seem like a decent wrestler, and you...

- You talk way too much.

- Whoo! - Yeah!

- Yeah! - [Marti]: Go, Casey!

- What's wrong, Romeo?

- I just got an IM from Molly. She dumped me.

Said I called too much, and she wants to play the field.

- Ha! Ha! Ha!

- Love stinks.

- Okay, I can't stop you 2 from going out,

but one request: Please,

no acting boyfriendy-girlfriendy in front of me.

I'd rather not puke in public.

- Agreed. - Agreed.

- Oh, and speaking of puking,

could whoever's playing footsy with me please stop?

- [Casey, Sam]: Sorry.

- Ha! Ha! Ha!

Closed captioning: Technicolor, Creative Services - Montreal

- Ho!

- Listen, I just like to get serious.

- Ha! Ha! Ha!

[ Laughter ]

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