Original subtitles

[twinkling music]

[twinkling music]

- Morning. - Not anymore.

- I itch everywhere.

- It's called soap. Use it.

- No, and I have these weird zits.

- Well, maybe it's chicken pox?

- No, only little kids get chicken pox.

- Well, you do have the brain of a little kid.

- Have you had them before?

- I dunno. Have I had 'em before?

- You know, I don't think you have...

or that I have either.

- You haven't?

I had them as a kid. Oh!

Those don't look like pimples.

- What about you girls?

- Been there, done that.

- But none of you guys have had chicken pox?

- Well, I remember scratching for a week when I was 5.

- Sure it wasn't body fungus?

- Oh! - What about Marti?

- I think she was vaccinated.

But I'm going to check with Abby.

As for you, upstairs to your room. We'll call a doctor.

- But as long as I can go to school tomorrow.

- I think he's delirious.

- Ah, you are warm. You get yourself upstairs.

I'll get you some juice and some dry toast.

- But I'm fine!

- You. Bed. Now.

- This is so unfair.

- This is so weird.

Derek tries to skip school for a hangnail.

Now, with an ironclad excuse,

he wants to go? Something smells...

- Wasn't me. I swear.

- ♪ Used to be my mother and my sister and me ♪

♪ A happy little family and all right with me ♪

♪ But Mom got married that's when everything changed ♪

♪ Some things were lost and others were gained ♪

♪ A new school, a new house ♪

♪ So many changes it makes my head spin ♪

♪ Now I've got a brother who gets under my skin ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Lizzie, Edwin, George and Nora, Marti and Casey ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

- Poor Derek.

He's got a horrible, itchy condition

that makes you feel totally disgusting.

Come to think of it,

that's just the effect he has on me.

- Sorry doctor, let me write this down.

Where are all the pens?

- Hey! I was colouring a Viking boat!

- Thanks doctor. - Chicken pox?

- Yup. He needs to stay at home until the vesicles,

which are the blisters, scab over and it takes

at least 5 days.

- Can I pick the scabs?

- Sorry, Marti, they're not your scabs to pick.

- Ugh. - Aw!

- Poor Derek. - And poor me!

Nora, I can't get sick. I gotta present

in court this week.

- Darling, the infection is airborne.

- Then I won't breathe Derek's air.

- Well, I'm not sure that's gonna work.

- Well, it's got to.

As of now Derek's in quarantine:

he eats off paper plates and he can only leave his room

for bathroom breaks.

- But George, the doctor already said

he's been contagious for at least a couple of days.

Chances are you're gonna get the chickenpox too.

- Not if I can stay outta this house as much as possible.

See you guys later! - Your dad's in denial...

- No, he's in the laundry room.

- Ah!

- Frank, you can't go away, not this week.

I need you at school!

[Muffled]: Frank, your cousin's getting married in Florida?

Dude, save yourself the sunburn

and just watch the wedding video!

No, you can't go away Frank!

You've got orders to fill! Money will be lost.

[Muffled]: Do not hang up on me! Frank?

What?

- You know if you scratch, you'll leave scars.

- Thanks, Nurse Freak, now go!

- I need the phone.

[ Beeper ] Since when do you have a beeper?

- Since, uh... get out.

- [Marti on the phone]: You can't change favourite colours!

Blue is mine! Marti, could you please get off the phone!

- No! [ Beep! ]

- Man!

[ Beep! ]

- Marti? - Okay, Smerek.

- Thank you.

[ Dialing ]

Frank! You are not leaving!

[Muffled]: I'm dying here. Dying!

- Derek! I need my calculator back!

I have to do homework. - Hold on!

No, no, no. Not you! Listen, I need 2 dozen

by 3 PM tomorrow, not 3 dozen by 2 PM!

'Kay? Got it? Good.

Ed, get in here!

Here! - Since when do you need

a calculator, anyway? - Ah, since, never mind...

Listen, I need you to do something.

- If it involves scratching in strange places...

- No. But it involves going to a strange place, 'kay?

- Where were you? Your phone was busy all night!

You seriously need a cell phone!

- Like I could afford one. What's up?

- 'Kay, I heard Derek was really sick and he didn't come to school today.

Not that I noticed.

- Derek's fine, it's just the chickenpox.

- Really? Oh! Poor Derek.

- Um, excuse me. I'm Doug.

On behalf of the chess team, I would like to extend

our best wishes to Derek for a speedy recovery.

Please give him this fruit basket.

- Thanks!

[ Sniffing ]

Did you flush?

- It's official. You have the worst locker

location in the school.

- I know, I'm begging for a new one at lunch.

It's totally sick... [ Sniffing ]

Did you wash your hands? - No.

- Ew!

- Sorry. No lockers available.

- You're telling me that every single locker

in this school is currently occupied by a student?

- What part of "no lockers available" did you not get?

- I got it.

But what about the lockers by the janitor's closet?

- Taken...

by our Russian foreign exchange students.

Chestokoff, Lemenoff, Buzzoff...

- Hey, looks like my locker is staying beside

the boy's cesspool.

The Russian exchange students are occupying

all of the free lockers.

- Exchange students?

You mean like that mini perv over there?

- I have a raincoat just like that.

That IS my raincoat.

Edwin?! - Uh!

What's up? - What are you doing at high school?

- Oh, my girlfriend goes here.

- Try again. - Okay...

Derek wanted me to pick up some books from his locker.

- Derek wanted homework?

- Uh-huh. - Please.

That's not even Derek's locker. - Whoops. My bad.

I'm gonna go check out your cafeteria food.

Bye.

- What was that about?

- I'm not sure...

- Okay, so what's the emergency? Are you okay?

- I'm fine. But Der...

Um, I've got a hypothetical question.

- Okay, you called me in here for an emergency session,

for a hypothetical question?

- Yes. Now suppose someone you know might be

going down the wrong path.

Should you rat that person out to save them?

- Well, that's hard to answer without a little bit more information.

- Good point!

I need information too!

Well, I mean, I'm not even sure if what I know is what I know. You know?

- No. What exactly do you know?

- One: beeper.

Two: money.

Three: Edwin at high school.

I mean, it all adds up to something, but I'm wondering what?

- I'm wondering what we're talking about.

Casey, if you're in any sort of trouble...

- Exactly! What are we talking about?

I mean, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions!

I should just confront this person directly.

Like an intervention.

Thanks, Paul!

- Any time.

- Hey, I'm in quarantine, get out.

- Derek, please get off the phone.

- No! No, not you!... Dude, it will get there.

Just give me some time, okay?

I'm losing money like a bingo granny.

Come on!

Alright...

Cool. [ Beep! ]

- Derek, scratching makes it worse.

The vesicles could get infected.

- You just leave me and my vesicles alone.

- No. You need help with your problem.

- Really? 'Cause I can't really get to my shoulder blades.

- Not that problem.

The other one.

- What are you talking about?

- I know what you've been doing at school

and you've got to stop before it's too late.

- What do you know?

- Everything! Aren't you worried about going to jail?!

- Jail? I don't think so.

I mean, principal's office maybe,

but I've got my own chair in there anyway.

- Derek, if this is serious,

I've got to tell your dad.

We can help you get back on the straight and narrow

before you descend on a slippery slope to a life of crime!

- Are you feeling okay?

- You are not taking this seriously,

but I know someone who will.

And for the record, I'm doing this for your own good.

- Is Casey thinking... Casey!

- George, I have something very upsetting to tell you.

- Ah... what's upsetting is when you need a pen

and you can't find one! Where do they all go?

- George, I think Derek is selling...

- Casey! - Derek?!

You get back to your room now! - Uh, Dad...

- Go! - Okay, but only if she comes with me.

- But no! - Casey, get him out of here!

- You heard the man, let's go.

- Derek, I'm gonna go back down and tell him.

- Okay, just take a seat, all right?

Um, just be clear:

what exactly do you think I'm doing?

- I think you're selling drugs at school.

- Yeah, that's what I thought you thought.

Are you nuts? How stupid do you think I am?

Okay, don't answer that one!

- Then what is this all about?

- I can't tell you!

- Because it is about drugs and I am so telling George!

- Alright, you wanna know what I'm doing?

I'm selling stuff, but not what you think.

- What are you talking about?

- I'm talking about in school merchandising.

- You made all this money from in school merchandising?

- Yep.

- But what are you selling? - Me.

Well, not "me" exactly, the Derek brand.

And if Derek's selling it, then the kids gotta have it.

- That's crazy. - No, it's profitable.

And it's also quite charitable

considering my clients are the cooly challenged.

- But you still haven't told me what you're selling.

- Can I trust you?

- I haven't ratted on you yet, have I?

- Okay.

My business focuses on three things.

One: Our parents' old clothes in the basement?

I sell them as vintage wear to the 'fashionably unfortunate'

under my D Look label.

Two: Dad brings home loads of quality used office supplies.

I sell that under the D supplies label.

So that's why there are never any pens in the house.

- And finally, the most profitable aspect of my business...

- D Tunes? Since when do you play guitar?

- I don't. But Johnny Stein from room 17 does...

Open it.

- "D Tunes, a selection of Derek's favourite songs

performed by Johnny Stein of Room 17."

- Yeah, a decent guitar player whose music career

was going nowhere until I started promoting him.

- "Promoting" or "exploiting"?

- Hey, call it what you want,

but with my name and his talent, Johnny is a hit.

He's got gigs at birthday parties

and he's happening in the hallways.

Thanks to me, he's gone from zero to rock god in one semester.

And in return I get a cut of the profit.

- How much? - Hundred per cent.

- Is that fair? - No, that's business.

But for this week,

I have no way to move the merchandise because

my delivery boy, Frank, is in Florida

and there's no way to fill all the orders.

- So, that's what all this is about? The beeper.

The money. Edwin at school.

- Yeah, he is useless...

So now I need to find somebody who can deliver all my merchandise

to my clients before they decide to spend

their money elsewhere. But who?

- You must be hallucinating from the fever.

- Come on! I'm a sick man in need!

How can you turn your back on a sick man in need?

- Like this.

- I hear you need a new locker.

How did you know that?

- I make it my business to know everything that happens at the school.

- Well, then you would know there are no lockers left.

- Well, I know all about the locker situation.

Where do you think I keep my merchandise?

- The Russian lockers!

You mean there are no exchange students?!

- That would be "niet".

- Quite the scam. But I'm still not helping you.

- You know, if you had a cell phone...

...you would never have to wait for the phone

and you would never have to hear this again:

- [Marti on phone]: No! Pink is MY favourite colour now!

- Cut you ten percent of the profit.

More than enough to buy a cell.

- Okay, I'll do it.

But only for a couple of days.

- So, I hear Derek's got you filling in for Frank...

Got any new stock?

- Um... yeah, but have you heard the term: buyer beware?

These pens are used.

- So? That's a three thousand series flow line fine tip deluxe.

You know how much those go for in the store?

I'll take three.

- Okay. Uh, well you know, you could take the whole bag.

It'd only cost you three bucks more.

- Deal.

- Hey, who's next?

[ Beep, beep! ] Derek.

Can't wait for that cell.

- Hey, how's business?

- Hey... Things are going great. Business is booming.

Office supply sales are up two hundred percent

and the clothes are really moving...

thanks to my personal shopping service for girls.

The only item that isn't selling is your biggest money maker.

- D Tunes, I know. Kids are canceling CD orders left and right.

Something's fishy and I need you to do a little snooping around.

See what's up.

- I'm a businesswoman, not a snoop.

- No, you're my employee.

Now, don't forget about your benefits package.

Locker, cell phone...

- Okay, I'll snoop, I'll snoop.

[ Phone ]

- Hello. - You have competition in the CD market.

- I knew it! - But did you know that competition was Frank?

- Frank? My Frankie?!

My delivery boy, Frankie!

That can't be. He's at a wedding in Florida.

- No, he's at school. And you'll never guess

who he's working with: Johnny Stein.

- Johnny Stein? My Johnny Stein?

- And your Frank. They're selling their new CD:

Frank and Stein's Monster Hits.

- What?! How could they do this to me?!

I me... I mean, is there no honour?!

- Well, in Johnny's case, it serves you right.

You took one hundred per cent of the CD sales, remember?

- That rat, Frankie, won't get away with this!

I'm coming to school! - You can't,

you're in quarantine, remember?

Look, let me hit the halls and talk to your customers.

- When the time comes, I'll deal with the rat problem.

- It's Doug, right?

- Yeah, and you're Derek's step sister right?

- Right. And didn't you have an order for Derek's D Tunes?

- Yeah, but I bought the Frank & Stein CD instead.

Its mellow brand of folk rock is a big hit with the Chess club.

- Really? I bet Derek would be disappointed to hear that.

Especially after he was so touched by your fruit basket.

He even said that he'd dedicate a track

to the Chess team on D Tunes 2.

- Really? - Really.

But there won't be a D Tunes 2 unless D Tunes 1 is a hit.

- Uh, uh, I'll take five! - Only five?

- I'll talk to the Chess team!

I'll bet they'll take your whole inventory!

- And the money keeps rolling in...

- Quite the little business you have going here.

What part of part six of the school code did you not understand?

- We have a school code?

- Why, yes.

And part six specifies "no commerce during school hours".

Now let's go. - To the Principal's office?

- No, to lunch. Yes, the Principal's office!

But don't worry, you can sit in Derek's chair.

- Ah, your honour, my client was driving along

this side of the street on the way to his dental appointment...

- I object! - Lizzie, you're the judge.

Judges can't object.

- Well, I object to that too!

- Hey guys! What you doing?

- George is practicing his defence.

I'm the judge. - And Marti?

- I'm the prisoner and I'm bored.

- Ah, well, what would you like to do, sweetheart?

- Pick Derek's scabs!

- The prisoner's escaped!

- Derek, can I pick your scabs?

- Georgie, you have a red spot on your cheek.

- I know, but it's not what you think.

It's a... it's a flea bite.

We have fleas.

And that reminds me, I should call the exterminator.

- Yeah, Georgie, you have the chicken pox

and you can't live in denial!

- Yes I can and you can't stop me!

Those stupid fleas...

- You got pinched, huh? - How'd you know?

- Look, the important thing is you didn't flip.

You stayed loyal to the family.

- Forget loyal! I got lectured by the principal, Derek!

We're meeting tomorrow to discuss my punishment!

- Relax. It's probably just a minor blemish on your record.

- There is no such thing as a minor blemish!

I'm probably going to get suspended!

What kind of university will take me now?

- Come on! It's not that big of a deal.

- For you, maybe! But for me?

- Casey, business is all about taking risks.

But you've made enough money to buy a cheap cell phone.

You should be happy.

- Well, I'm extremely unhappy.

I should have known better than to get involved

with your shady business dealings. What was I thinking?

- I don't know, but if you'll excuse me,

I have a business to run.

Frankie, hey! How was the wedding?

Catch the bouquet?

I know you didn't go to the wedding, Frank,

so stop lying. No, I'm not mad.

Listen, you wanted to branch out, and I respect that,

so why don't you come over tonight and we'll discuss things.

I'm not asking,

Frank, I'm telling.

[ Doorbell ]

- Uh, hey, um...

Derek wanted to see me.

- Ah! So you're Frank.

- Yeah, that's... that's right.

[ Snap! ]

- Follow me. Derek's been expecting you.

- Really?

- Yeah. Really. - No, no, this isn't happening!

- What's not happening?

- Nothing!

Ah!

Fleas!

- I hear that Derek's in pretty rough shape.

How bad is it?

- Bad. Whatever you do, don't look at his face, get me?

Good luck!

- Sit down, Frankie.

Now about your little side venture.

- Right, well listen, Derek,

I was gonna tell you about that...

- Frankly, Frank, I am shocked by your disloyalty.

And I've been sitting here wondering

how you are gonna make it up to me...

- What do you mean?

- You're gonna do me a solid, Frank.

And in return, I'm going to forget

about your little side project with Johnny.

- How are you going to do that?

- I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse.

- Ah! You're hideous! - Shut up and listen.

Here's what you're gonna do.

Think these things are starting to crust over?

- Ugh... I had my meeting with the principal.

- How is old wide tie?

- Good. He sends his best.

He even apologized for the confusion.

Said Frank admitted that he was selling stuff

during school hours and that I had nothing to do with it.

AND he gave me a new locker.

- Really.

- What did you do?

- Nothing, I just mentioned to Frank

that it might be in his best interest to take some heat off

a certain individual.

- And he agreed? Just like that?

- That, and I gave him exclusive rights to Johnny.

- But Johnny's your cash cow! - Johnny's yesterday's news.

I've got my eye on this new girl band in room ten. Ooof!

- I have to admit. I'm impressed.

And thank you for helping me with my situation.

You know, I can still help you a little.

Of course, I can't sell directly but I can do accounting, marketing...

- You know, you were a very loyal employee

but I'm afraid... you're fired.

- Fired?! - Yeah, I don't need you anymore.

- What? You beg me to help you,

I do a great job, and then you fire me?

- Business is cruel...

But not totally heartless.

- I can't believe they had to postpone the trial because...

because...

- Say it, Georgie.

- Because I have chicken pox.

- There, now don't you feel better?

- No, I feel awful!

Can I have something hot for my throat,

a cold compress for my head

and a pillow for my back?

- I liked you better when you were in denial.

- Ah!

I can't believe I have chicken pox.

- I can't believe you forgot I had poison ivy

when I was five, not chicken pox!

- Sorry, Edwin.

- Uh! - But neither of us would be sick

if it wasn't for him. - Just call me: "The Poxfather".

[ Laughing ]

Closed captioning: Technicolor, Creative Services - Montreal

- Think these things are starting to crust over?

- Ugh! I had my meeting with the principal.

- Oh really! How is woldwide twie?

- Ha!

[ Crew laughs ]

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