Original subtitles

[twinkling music]

[twinkling music]

- Has anyone seen my boots? I'm late.

- No, but if you find the tape while you're looking, I need it.

- I made a bow! ♪ Di, di, di, di, di, di! ♪

- I found the tape.

- Derek, save some for my cereal.

[ Sploosh ]

- There you go, Ed.

- Dude, that is sick!

- No, this is sick.

- No. Not the wet Willy! Aargh!

- Whoa! Hey! Watch the wedding cake,

it cost more than this house! - Aargh!

- I don't get it. We kept our wedding small to avoid this kind of insanity.

Like how did we get roped into having your sister's reception here?

- Oh, Fiona asked, we said no,

she cried, I reconsidered,

I cried, you reconsidered... [ Thunk ]

...but you really shouldn't have. Oh my gosh.

- Dad! - Wet Willy

or drink the backwash milk. Take your pick.

- Dad! - Wet Willy, definitely.

- All right! Guys! Knock it off!

Knock it off! Knock it off!

Okay, now I know the idea of 60 of my relatives

coming here for a wedding reception sounds

a little crazy, but you have to promise me

that you will take it easy on the wedding planner.

- The wedding planner? You mean like J. Lo?

- Not exactly.

- ♪ It used to be my mother and my sister and me ♪

♪ A happy little family and all right with me ♪

♪ But mom got married that's when everything changed ♪

♪ Some things were lost and others were gained ♪

♪ A new school ♪

♪ A new house ♪

♪ So many changes it makes my head spin ♪

♪ Now I've got a brother who gets under my skin ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ Well this is life with Lizzie, Edwin, George and Nora, Marty and Casey ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

- I know I can meet today's challenge.

No, not organizing the wedding reception,

being in the same room as the two people in the world

who annoy me the most.

Annoyance #1: My dear stepbrother.

Annoyance #1A:

My charming cousin Victoria.

- Derek! Ow! Ow!

- Uh, George, your hiking boots are in the car

and you need to pick up the groom now

for the bachelor party. - Bachelor party? I'm in.

- Bachelor party hike.

- I'm out. Who goes hiking for their bachelor party?

- Who hikes at all? - Ow! Derek! Oh!

- I mean really, isn't it just walking with hills?

Oh, but just because Henry is an outdoorsy guy.

- Harry! The groom's name is Harry!

Remember Harry the hiker. - Okay.

- Okay, after the hike clean him up and get him to the church.

- Okay, fine. - Mom, here's more tape.

- Oh, thank you. - And a tasteful wedding card.

- Oh, Casey, thank you for doing this.

- Only because I love you mom.

- Ow! - Now Derek,

you're ready for your big directing break?

- Oh, the wedding video?

Oh, I'm living the dream.

- Your dream's to be a director?

- Well I'm great at telling people what to do.

Edwin, film. [ Door bell ]

[ Knocking at door ] - But it's your dream.

- [Casey]: I'll get it. - Nora!

- Oh, here we go.

- My first marriage was a huge mistake.

Why am I doing this again? Hi kids!

- Oh, because you love Harry.

Why don't we go down to my room and we can get ready there.

- Is Victoria here yet? - Victoria?

- My cousin.

Uh, Vicky called, she said she's picking up the flowers.

- Oh, she's Victoria now

and she gets really cross if you call her Vicky.

She doesn't think I should marry Harry. What do you think?

- Uh, you should definitely marry Harry?

- Okay. I'll go downstairs.

- Now Casey,

I hate to ask anything else of you, but when Vicki's here...

- Victoria.

- ...uh, Victoria... uh,

promise me you will keep your cool no matter

how obnoxious she is because if this reception falls apart,

Fiona falls apart, and if Fiona falls apart

then I am going to spend the rest of my life hearing about

how I ruined her wedding day.

- I promise, mom. I can handle Victoria.

I'm learning to cope with incredibly annoying people.

- Right back 'atcha, sis.

- Best of luck to both of us.

[ Smooch ]

- So, uh... [ Doorbell ]

...what's cousin Vicky like?

- Oh, two words: Major pain.

- Well, she's related to you

so she must be a major...

babe.

Give me that. This movie just found its star.

- I'm telling you, Paul, there is no one I dislike

as much my cousin Vicky, except Derek of course.

- Of course. - We went to the same private

school in Toronto and I avoided her like the plague,

but she'd hunt me down in the halls just to make fun of me.

- Casey, it has been way too long.

So sweet of you guys to cram us

in here for the wedding reception.

Harry couldn't afford anywhere nice.

- I went to high school with a guy like that.

You know, Lester Todesco.

Every time I'd see him he would shout,

"Polly want a cracker?"

- Your point, Polly?

- Well, looking back now it was obvious that Lester was insecure.

It made him feel bigger to make me feel smaller.

- So, you think Vicky's insecure?

- Uh-huh. - Wrong! She's flat out mean.

Thanks for bringing the flowers.

- Oh, it was the least I could do.

But just so you know,

it's the only thing I'm going to do.

- What do you mean?

- I mean, I know I was supposed to give you a hand

but I think my mother's totally ruining her life,

not to mention mine,

so I'm not going to help out of protest.

Lizzie! Look at you! Give me a hug.

- Hi, Vicky. - It's Victoria.

- Sure.

- And you must be the big, bad brother Derek.

You're cute.

- And you've got good taste.

- So my mother tells me Casey despises you.

- That's not true. - Hmmph, and I thought we were so close.

- This is my other new brother, Edwin.

- What's shakin'?

- Aren't you smooth. So, two brothers.

Must be kind of like living in a locker room, huh?

- No, they're more like male sisters.

- Excuse me? - I'm Marty, I'm a kitty cat.

- You're a cutie. - I know.

- Uh, Marty, you're supposed to be putting on your flower girl dress.

- You're not the boss of me! I'll put it on later!

- I like her.

So, has the bride-to-be stopped crying yet?

- Lizzie, could you please show Victoria the basement.

- Why? - That's where my mum's room is.

- A basement bedroom.

How cute is that?

Now do you sleep in the tool shed?

[ Meow! ]

- She is unpleasant.

- No kidding.

- Good thing she's hot.

- No kidding.

- [Director]: Take one! - What are you, amateurs?!

- So, how do you like the dress?

- I like it very much.

- Anything you'd like to say for our wedding video viewers?

- Sorry, but you're not going to get any sappy quotes

about Harry and Fiona from me.

But I do have some juicy Casey stories.

- Really?!

- What was she like as a kid? - Two words:

Bed wetter.

- [Both]: No! - Yes. - Oh!

- Yes, this is Casey MacDonald confirming Horhe,

the hair and makeup artist for 2 p.m. Thank you.

- You're making sure someone's on time. Hello irony.

Remember when you showed up to my birthday party

a week late with a gift I already had.

Classic Casey.

[ Meow! ] - I was nine.

- Were you still wetting the bed?

[ Laughter ] - What?!

- Do you mind keeping it down? This wedding stress

is giving me a major migraine.

Some herbal tea would really calm my nerves.

- Why don't I make you some?

- Thanks, coz.

And I'll finish my story about Casey

puking at her ballet recital.

[ Meow! ] [ Laughter ] Come on boys.

- I'm hungry.

- Okay, but you shouldn't eat anything messy in that dress.

- I want a jelly sandwich and a grape juice.

- But that stains. - But it's purple day.

- Of course it is. Whatever you say.

- Derek! Edwin!

How about some footage of Aunt Fiona getting ready?

Maybe she'll stop crying on film.

- Crying on camera? Love it! Come on!

- Yes, sir! - How are you holding up?

- Oh, great. Vicky is not helping out of protest

and I'm making her tea,

but I'm keeping my cool.

Remind me why I'm doing that?

- Because I asked you and because you're a good person.

You're much better than I am because if Aunt Fiona

says one more time this wedding's a mistake,

I'm going to loose it.

- [Aunt Fiona]: Nora! I need to talk to you!

This marriage is a... - I'm coming!

- Lizzie, I need to look up the number for the caterers.

Could you keep an eye on the purple princess?

- Sure. [ Doorbell ]

- [Casey]: Lizzie, can you get that?

- Uh, sure.

Hello?

- So, what time can we expect the hors d'oeuvres?

Hot dogs, mini pizzas and ice cream?

This isn't a kid's party, you know.

What do you mean you don't know?!

- Temper, temper. Gotta stay cool in a crisis.

- No crisis, everything's fine.

No, I wasn't talking to you.

I'm sorry, but we're going to have to hire other caterers.

- Harry is going to be so disappointed.

He loves hotdogs.

Well, good luck finding a caterer last minute.

- Phil the hair and makeup guy's here.

I took him down to work on Fiona.

- Who's Phil? - Horhe's assistant.

It's his first day on the job. - What happened to Horhe?

- He's in the hospital.

There was a curling iron incident.

- Now is this a crisis? - You know what, Vicky...

- She means Victoria. Uh, let's go check on Marty.

- Hmmph.

- Thanks for getting me out of there.

- No problem. - Marty.

You didn't eat the purple berries off the flowers did you?

- Oh no. - Vicky!

- Yeah, could you not call me Vicky?

It reminds me of icky. - Yeah, yeah, what kind of berries were on those flowers?

- The expensive kind. - Well, I think Marty ate some and they might poisonous!

- That's not good. You should do something.

- Smarty, open up, spit.

Uh, it's okay. They're plastic.

- What a relief.

- Okay, no more eating strange berries, got it, Smarty?

- Got it Smerek.

[ Giggles ]

- Action! - And... action!

- Thank you so much, Phil.

Oh yes, you did a great job.

Okay, bye. Casey!

Can you come here? We have a problem.

- Another one?

- Did I hear something about a problem?

Mum, you look awful. Are you getting this?

- Oh yeah. - This is a sign. This marriage...

- Don't say it.

We'll go to my hairdresser and she will undo Phil's do.

Now grab your purse, grab your dress and let's go.

Guys, we'll see you at the church in two hours.

- Who knew watching you fail would be so much fun.

- Oh I did. - I don't feel too good.

I ate too much purple.

- Hold that though.

- You know I think we should get this on tape.

- Oh!

[ Splat!] [ Screech! ]

Oh! [ Bleech ]

Ooh! Was ruining my new dress part of your wedding plan?

- Vicky. - Victoria!

- Victoria, it was an accident. - An accident?

More like a classic Casey.

- Well, maybe if you were helping instead of standing

around whining and criticizing...

- Well maybe if you didn't mess up like always

I wouldn't have to criticize you.

- Well, you don't have to worry about me messing up

your mother's wedding reception because I quit!

And if I could quit being your cousin I'd quit that too!

- Fine, quit all you want!

I don't want to go to the stupid wedding

or your stupid wedding reception!

I'm going to my room! - You don't live here.

- I'm going to your room!

- Upstairs on the right.

- Ooh!

- Phew! Marty, you okay?

- Yeah. I want some more purple!

- Oh, no way. Hey, you...!

- Dude, did you get all that?

- Uh, yeah. This wedding video's going to rock.

I mean we've got laughs, tears, cousin cat fight!

- Uh, guys, Casey just quit,

Victoria won't go to her own mother's wedding

and sixty people are coming here for a wedding reception

and nothing's ready.

- Eh... your point?

- What are you gonna do?

- You expect me to do something? I'm just the director.

- What was I thinking?

I'll go beg Casey.

- Uh, Mr. Director, sir. You realize if you don't do

anything your movie won't have an ending.

- That is a problem.

- Yeah.

- Uh, and audiences love happy endings.

- Uh-huh. - At the very least they like endings.

- Yup. - Call dad on his cell.

- Right.

Derek, dad took Harry to the emergency room.

He tripped on a rock.

- What? See, I knew we should have had a camera there.

- Well I told dad what happened here.

- What did he say? - Good luck.

You know, I think he's fed up with the whole wedding.

- So is Casey.

When I begged her not to give up

she just laughed at how funny Vicky looked with cake all over her.

- We could hide till it's all over.

- I think the reception already is over.

- No, no, no, no, no.

It's not over till the director calls "cut".

Now this reception is going to happen.

- You don't mean you actually want to help my family?

- I don't want to help anybody, but this isn't about me.

This is about Harry and Fiona's wedding video

and if taking over this reception will help my movie,

then that's what I'll do.

Okay, now action.

[ Crickets chirping ] That means do something.

- What do we do?

- I have no idea.

- Derek's helping with the reception? Ha!

There is no way he can pull it off.

- I know but at least he's trying.

So, any advice on what he should do?

- Sorry, but I quit remember?

- Oh, please, please, please, please, please.

- Do you practice that look in the mirror?

- Yes.

- Fine. Well, tell Derek we need a new caterer

for the hors d'oeuvres, the living room need to be decorated,

the puke needs to be cleaned off

the flowers and the cake needs to be glued back together

'cause it fell on icky Vicky. Ha, ha, ha!

- Casey says we need to hire a caterer, make decorations,

clean the flowers and glue cake.

- Too much information.

- [Marty]: I'm all mucky!

- Okay, let's start with something easy.

Can one of you change Marty?

- I'll barf if I touch barf. - Me too.

- Do I have to do everything myself?

- Quiet on the set please!

- Can I help? - Yeah, don't puke.

- Okay, what else?

- Uh, you can be the art director for the movie.

- Okay, I'm good at art.

- Great. So make a picture of Fiona marrying Harry, got it?

- Aren't you going to say "action"?

- Action, Smarty!

- Okay!

Right away, Smerek.

- Okay, the reception's tonight and we need a cake fast.

No, I know it's last minute but we're making a movie here.

No. A Happy Bar Mitzvah Murray cake won't work.

Thanks a lot.

- I can make a cake.

- You know how to bake? - No, but I'm a can-do kind of person.

- And I watch a lot of cooking shows.

- Well, TV's never wrong. Go for it.

- Come on!

Edwin, eggs stat.

- Right.

- Nicholas, Derek here.

Uh, your dad still got that Greek restaurant?

Right. I need to call in a favor.

- Hey there, Marty.

Is that Fiona and Henry?

- Harry. Look, she's crying.

- Right. It's very pretty.

- What am I doing? - What are you doing?

- I don't know, I mean my directing style

is better suited for gross-out comedy.

I have no idea how to direct a wedding reception.

- No, I mean why are you doing this?

Why would you try and help?

- Well, for my film. Now I'm not sure

if it's going to be a comedy or a tragedy

or a disaster movie, but it's going to be great.

- Well, whatever the reason, I appreciate it. Thanks.

- I don't need your appreciation.

I need your help.

Now the wedding is in half an hour.

Edwin and Lizzy are baking a cake,

Nicholas's dad's restaurant is making something Greek.

- Uh, what about the decorations?

They're a little out of season.

- Oh, well that sounds like a great job for you and Vicky.

Edwin, Lizzy, get dressed! - But the cake's not ready.

- I'll take the cake out.

Okay, now Casey go upstairs and talk to Vicky

and get her to help with the decorating.

- Derek, I can't talk to Vicky.

- Are you saying no to the director?

- Yes, I'm saying no, as in no way.

- Look, Casey, I've been doing your job

planning a reception for your relatives because you quit,

and you can't talk to Vicky?

- Uh, yeah.

- Ha! Sorry, sister, but that just ain't gonna cut it.

Now if you ever want to work in show business again...

- Show business? - Are you interrupting the director?

- Never interrupt the director.

- Listen to the kid. Now I'm directing you

to go upstairs and work things out with your cousin.

- Derek... - Don't talk to me, talk to Vicky!

- Okay.

- Directors are so moody.

- So true. [ Desperate laughing ]

[ Knock, knock ]

- So you come to throw a pie in my face or was the cake enough?

- Victoria, I'm sorry. It really was an accident.

- You don't like me, do you?

- That's not true.

Okay, it is true, but do you really blame me?

You picked on me all through school.

- As if it bothered you.

You were pretty, you had good grades,

you had tons of friends.

- But now that I live in a crowded house

with disgusting brothers and a nutbar 6-year-old you win, right?

- No.

You win.

Do you know how much I've always wanted brothers and sisters?

I mean, all I have is good hair and nice clothes.

What are you doing?

- Don't ask, just hug.

- Thanks.

- Victoria, why don't you want your mum to marry Harry?

Don't you want her to be happy?

- Of course I do, but she didn't even ask me.

It's my life too.

- I know exactly how you feel,

but my new family turned out sort of okay.

Maybe yours will too.

- Maybe.

- You know, I have a dress you can wear to the wedding

if you still want to go.

- I guess I kind of have to, huh?

- Yeah, and Derek really needs our help decorating the living room.

- Okay.

Yeah, but this dress you have for me,

it's not that awful red one you always used to wear, right?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. Thank you, coz.

- Oh. Oh.

[ Applause ]

- Oh, that was beautiful.

Aunt Fiona was thrilled

and you couldn't tell Harry was wounded.

George, are you crying?

- Not from the wedding, oh, from the pain.

I am never hiking again.

Oh! I mean really, hiking for a bachelor party.

I mean how stupid is that?

- Ha, ha, ha! - Oh come on my purple princess.

- Come here you. - It's time for bed.

- I love weddings.

- Okay, let's go.

- You know, Derek, I have to say your movie really had its moments,

and I appreciate what you did for me and Vicky.

- Oh it was my pleasure.

- Derek, we missed the kissing scene.

- No we didn't. That's on an alternate version

of the film for my demo reel.

- What kissing scene?

Oh, you mean Harry and Fiona?

- No, I mean Derek and Victoria.

- You and Vicky?! You were kissing my cousin?!

- What can I say? Chicks dig directors.

You still here?

Good. Now you have just watched my wedding video directorial

debut "When Harry Marries Fiona".

Now stay tuned for a special behind the scenes featurette

"Harry and Fiona's Wedding Reception -

The Making Of", directed by Derek Venturi,

produced by Derek Venturi.

- Hey, I helped too.

- And Edwin helped too.

Roll it!

- We have a problem!

- Oh!

Victoria! Fine! Quit all you want, I don't care!

- Don't talk to me, talk to Vicky!

Edwin!

- It's on my feet.

Closed captioning: Technicolor, Creative Services - Montreal

- ♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0