All language subtitles for Life With Derek s01e07 The Poxfather.eng

[twinkling
music]

[twinkling
music]

[ Sniffing ]
- What's that smell?

[ Sniffing ]
- I don't smell anything.

[ Sniffing ]
- It's you!

- Might be my lucky shirt.

- Lucky for who?

- Me.
Since I've worn it,

I got my high scores
working on and aced 3 tests.

- How long have you
worn it for?

- Three weeks.
- Three weeks?!

- Hmm-hmm.

- Assist on the winning goal.

- Are you wearing your lucky
shirt too?

- Oh, that sweet smell's
coming from my hockey bag.

- Ah, toxic fumes! Everyone, put
on your gas masks!

- Oh, it was so cold in that
arena, I just thought my toes were gonna fall off.

You know, I once saw this
documentary about these guys climbing Mt. Everest.

Their toes turned
black from frostbite.

They had to
cut 'em off.

One of the Everest climbers,

he kept his baby toe
on his mantel

as a memento.

- Stop!

- ♪ It used to be my mother and
my sister and me ♪

♪ A happy little family and all
right with me ♪

♪ But mom got married that's
when everything changed ♪

♪ Some things were lost and
others were gained ♪

♪ A new school ♪

♪ A new house ♪

♪ So many changes it makes my
head spin ♪

♪ Now I've got a brother who
gets under my skin ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ Well this is life with Lizzie,
Edwin, George and Nora, Marty and Casey ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

- I miss the life before Derek,

when it was just us sweet girls
living in our sweet condo.

Things were so... sweet.

Guys, on the other hand, are
like bears at a dump.

And the 3 bears
I'm forced to live with are

in some lifelong
gross-out contest.

[ Burp! ]
[ Burp! ] [ Burp! ]

- [All 3]: Nice!

- Men have
disgusting habits:

The way they eat,
the way they smell...

It's like they're completely
unaware of their surroundings.

- And... all men are like that?

- At least the ones I live with.

They leave their clothes out
everywhere.

They never replace
the toilet paper

and they leave their food out
for days.

- Well... well, you know what
they say about boys.

They're made out
of rats and snails

and puppy dog tails.
And, uh, girls...

girls are made out of sugar and
spice and everything nice,

right?
- A nursery rhyme reference?

You are so hip with the kids.

- I try. So anyway,

how does your mom feel about
the men in the house?

- She's in denial. She used

to be this tidy, organized
person with great taste.

- And what happened?
- She married George.

Not a full caveman, but he knows
where the cave is.

You've gotta work on your aim.

- Yeah, I guess.

- Yeah, the boys are
a little messy.

- Mom, "messy" left the house a
long time ago.

He's been replaced by his
cousin, "disgusting".

- Casey's right, mom. The boys
are disgusting. What if we caught something?

- Like what?

- Something fungal?
- Like athlete's foot?

- I bet everyone
has athlete's body.

- Edwin seems pretty
clean to me.

- Clean? He's been wearing the
same shirt for 3 weeks!

- Really?

- It's embarrassing
at school.

- Lizzie! I think I got your
lunch by mistake!

- Oh, no...

- Lizzie!

- I have no idea
who that is.

Or what that
smell is.

How would you like to
be Stinky's stepsister?

- And it's just as bad for me.

Ah, it's all sweaty!

- I like the
sweaty look. Chicks dig it.

[ Knocking ]
- No, they don't.

- Yeah, they do.

- Hi, Derek.

- So... you see!

- I'm sorry, but
your brother is a hottie.

- That is gross on
so many levels.

- Oh, come on! You guys
are exaggerating.

- And it's not just their smell,
it's their taste.

I mean, look
at this place!

- It's
smelly and ugly;

it's smugly.
- It is smugly.

- Oh, it's... not...

so bad. I mean,

he's had some furniture
from before.

- Mom, our chairs are terrified
in their new surroundings.

- Yeah, well, it was a boys'
club before we got here.

- Mom, we had the best girls'
club in our condo, with that great sofa.

- Yeah, that was a great sofa.

This one's not so...

[ Creaking springs ]
...awful.

- It's a bacteria dancethon
on that thing.

- You know what?

Maybe we could have it
reupholstered.

Or burned.

Okay, I'm gonna
talk to George,

and I'm sure
I can get him to understand.

We are gonna make
a few changes around here.

- Add hot pepper flakes
to taste.

[ Choking ]
Ah! Perfect.

- Hmm! Something
smells good.

- Making chilidogs.

- Ah! Oh, make sure it's not too
spicy, for the kids.

- Fine.
I'll put in more ketchup.

[ Spurting ]

It's still
good. Try some?

- No thanks.

Uh, George, can we talk
about something?

- Not now, honey,

there's a genius
at work! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Oops!
You didn't see that.

- Oh, I wish I hadn't.

- Ha.

- It's good, huh?

- Yeah, great.

- Just wait till the raffinose
in those beans hits

the bacteria of your large
intestine.

- What?
[ Fart ]

- ♪ Beans, beans,
the musical fruit ♪

♪ The more you eat,
the more you toot ♪

[ Laughter ]

- Sauerkraut is worse than
chilidogs, though.

- No, you gotta cup
your hand.

- [Whisper]: Have you talked
to George?

- [Whisper]: Not successfully.

- But for raw power,
hands down, the onion bargee.

- Hmm.
- What's onion bargee? - It's an Indian snack.

Kinda like onion rings,
only better.

[ Farting sound ]

- Oh, good one!

- Yeah! Hey,
that almost sounded real.

- Yeah, it was.
- Oh, gross!

- Ha! Ha! Ha!
- Edwin, we're at the dinner table.

- Nora's right.

Next time, call safety.

- [Whisper]: I'll try talking
to him... again.

- [Whisper]: I think we may need
to do more than talk.

- What're you doing
with my trophy?

- I'm giving it
to you to put in your room.

- Why?
- Because it's tacky.

- No: That is tacky.

- No: That is folk art.

- No: This is
folk art. See,

the guy's the folk,

and the trophy's
the art.

- Oh!
[ Crash! ]

- I scored 30 goals
to get this!

- I went to 30
garage sales to get this!

- What the heck?

Lizzie, something weird happened
in the bathroom!

- Too much
information, Edwin.

- No. Come on.

- What's wrong?

- What's wrong? It's the attack
of the fuzzy pink things!

And why is there a rug
on the toilet seat?

- It's a toilet seat cozy.

- Why does the toilet seat need
to be cozy?

That's not where you sit.

- Well, Casey thought the
bathroom needed to be feminized, and I agree.

- Well, I don't, and...

[ Sniffing ]
What's that smell?

- It's air freshener, extra
strength. Trust me, we needed it.

- Well, I can't go in here
anymore. Nope.

- Why not?

- 'Cause it's a girls' bathroom!

I'm going outside.

- George, shouldn't you
be on the road?

Derek's hockey tournament
is an hour away.

- Just in the
middle of something here.

Where's that prize?

What were you
doing outside?

- Don't ask.
- Edwin, is that the same shirt

you were wearing yesterday?
- Of course, it's my lucky shirt.

Sweet, the prize is still
there!

- But I had my hand
in there all morning!

- It's the lucky shirt.

- Edwin, it's not healthy

to wear the same shirt
every day,

and maybe you have a luckier,
cleaner shirt in your drawer.

- I can't change now, Derek's
team is on a winning streak.

If I change it and they lose,
he'll freak.

- Makes sense to me.

- Will you explain that to me?
- Oh, come on:

Boys will be boys, right?
You know,

they say
riboflavin's good for you,

but seriously,
what is that?

- Hmm-um.

[ Crash! ]

- "Boys will be boys"? That's
the lamest excuse ever!

- Yeah, it is lame,

but you can't change people
unless they wanna change.

- But we're going backwards down
the evolutionary ladder!

It starts with chilidogs and
wearing the same shirt for a month.

Next thing you know,
we're living in a cave.

- Yeah, well, the men around
here do have an amazing blindness

to dirt and ugly furniture.

- That's why we need
to see for them.

- What are you talking about?

- Look, the timing is perfect.

The boys are at Derek's hockey
tournament all day

and Marty's at her mom's, right?
- Right.

- So I've implemented a few
feminine touches around the house,

but that's just not gonna
cut it. We need to go further.

- How much further?

- Total redecoration.

- Oh, that's not gonna happen.

- All right, then just the
living room?

- I really ought to talk to
George first.

- No, no! No need to confuse him
with information.

Besides, do you think he's
really gonna care?

- You know,
you're right.

And we are only trying to make
things nicer around here.

- So we're doing this?
- Yeah, we're doing this.

- Aah! Oh, my gosh!

Here, put it on here!
Don't touch it, don't touch it!

Ah! Ah!

Well, what do you think?

- I think it looks good.

- I think it smells good.

- Hmm.
[ Door opening ]

- Well?
Say something.

- What happened?

- It looks
like a retirement home.

- My couch, where
is it?

- Somebody
stole our couch!

- No, honey,
we had it taken away.

- What?
- For only 20 bucks!

- But there was 40 bucks' worth
of change in the cushions! - I loved that couch!

- That old thing?
- It wasn't old! It had history!

It's been in the family since
I was a teenager.

I had my 1st
kiss on that couch.

- Me too!

- And I was gonna
have my 1st kiss on it.

- Hey, what happened to our art?

- And what happened to our
television?

- Tell me you did not give away
our television.

- No, we just
moved it to the basement.

- Why would you
move our most prized possession to the basement?

- We can still watch it, we just
have to go downstairs.

- What?
- I know it's not ideal, but, I mean,

it really was such an
eyesore, don't you think? - It was thing of beauty.

- You just need
to get used to the new look.

I'll bet by
tomorrow you'll love it.

- This must stop.

- A blue couch?

- It's not blue, it's indigo.

- What's indigo?

- It's girl talk for blue.

- Well, maybe we just
need to give it a chance.

I mean, the girls did put
a lot of work into redecorating.

What is this behind me? Is this
like a big pillow or what?

- Don't you see
what's going on here?

The plants,
the coasters?

- And that gross fruit
in that bowl.

- That's potpourri. You know
you're not supposed to eat that.

- I do now.

- This place is being...

- Feminized.
- Exactly.

- Well, there
are women living here now, it's bound to happen.

- Oh, okay, so you're just gonna
sit there,

on an indigo couch,

not watching TV while your sons
are being brainwashed by women?

- He's right,
it's a cult.

First they cut you off from
your old life, from everything you love,

and then they try and
turn you into them.

- Yeah. Do you want Edwin to be
a girl?

- I don't wanna be
a girl!

- What are we
supposed to do?

- Well, we need to
take a stand.

You need to take
a stand.

- Still wearing the same
shirt, I see.

- Yup.

- Bet you'd rather
he wore a dress. - Yeah!

- I'd rather
he took it off.

- Can't. It's no longer just a
lucky shirt.

Now it's a symbol...
of resistance.

- Oh, Edwin,

I see you're wearing
the same shirt.

- It's not a shirt,
it's a thimble.

- Okay.

Dinner is served.

- That's not dinner,
that's salad.

- The salad is the dinner.
It's a "salade niçoise".

- Yeah, but there's
some egg in it.

- It's supposed to.
- Yeah, but is it supposed to have tuna in it?

- [Both]: Yes.

- Um, honey, uh...

I would like to discuss
something. It's about the living room.

- What's wrong with
the living room?

- Yeah, what's wrong
with the living room?

- Nothing, nothing. It's just
that there's a...

there's a big hockey game
on TV tonight.

- Very big.
- Massively big.

- You don't even like sports.

- Yes, I do.

- Anyway, um, I would like to
bring the television back up from the basement.

- What?
- Got a problem with that? - No, no, no, Casey.

Of course you can bring the
television back

into the living room.
At least for tonight.

Uh, you will try and keep the
room clean, right?

- Of course.

- Ah!

- He's offside!

- Where's the ref?

[ Door opening ]
- What's offside again? - Ref!

- Aah!

Boys, you have to
use coasters!

- I'll call 'em
on Friday, I promise. - George.

- Just on top of the fridge,
I think.

- Are you even listening to me?
- No!

- Yeah! I mean: No!
- How much are they paid just to stop a puck?

- That guy
couldn't stop a beach ball!

- Mom, they're
wrecking all our hard work!

- George!
- Anything you say, honey.

- You have to do something.
- Yeah, you're right.

- Oh!
- Hey!

- Dad, do something!
- Nora, what are you doing?

- You promised that you would
keep this room clean.

- I'll just...
I'll clean it up after.

Nora, this is a very critical
point in the game.

- Yeah!

- Well... then, you should be
using coasters.

- And who said you could
eat on our brand-new couch?

- Uh, couches are made
for eating and watching sports.

- Ha!
- Uh, not this one. It's expensive.

- Oh, see? That's it, it just
goes to the...

the imprudence of the purchase.
- Oh!

- Okay, the old couch was
perfect for eating and... How expensive, exactly?

- Three thousand
dollars.

- Three...?
You... three...

You spent
$3,000 on a couch

without telling me?

- Why would she have to tell
you? This isn't the Stone Age!

- No, no, it's okay, Casey. Why
would I have to tell you?

This isn't the Stone Age!
And I make my own money!

- Oh, and dad doesn't!

- Derek, please. And I don't?

- No! Yes! I mean...

But you hate furniture shopping!

And besides, Casey thought we
should surprise you.

And we worked really
hard on this.

- Oh, so this was your
idea. I should have guessed.

- Nora, you know what?
You're cramping my style.

- Oh?
- And Derek, here, rightly pointed out

that you're just trying to
brainwash us.

- Brainwash you?

- At least
your brains would be clean!

- No, no, it's okay, Casey.
George?

- Nora?

- We have to talk,
in private. Excuse me.

[ Muffled argument ]

- Guys,

you can't eavesdrop
on a private fight!

- Ssh!
- What'd she say?

- Uh, something about calling
the whole thing off

and you guys moving back
to your old place.

- Really?
- She did not say that.

- Ssh! Okay.

Okay, okay. Uh, something's...
something comprised...

- Compromise?

Compromise.

Something standard,
something hygiene...

Edwin's shirt?

- So it's
your fault they're fighting.

- It is not!

- Ssh!
- Nora redecorated for Casey. Nice, Casey.

- Please, it was
a pit here before I got mom to do something about it.

- Please, the living room was
fine before you sanitized it.

- George thinks
the boys are being feminized.

- Oh, I wonder
where that came from?

- Ssh! I can't hear them.

- They're
not saying anything.

- Maybe the fight's over.

- Three thousand is just
insanely too much to pay for a couch!

We should put wheels on
it and drive it!

[ Sigh ]

- What are you doing?

- Trying to rearrange things
back to their original disgustingness.

- Why?

- Because I tried to
make things nice,

but I messed everything up.

I pushed my mom too hard to
change things, okay?

- Yeah, you did.
Do you want a hand?

- No. And just so you know,
this is your fault too.

- Uh, hardly my fault.
You sold the couch

and hid the TV in the
basement.

- Okay, I'm sorry.

But I didn't know these things
were so important to you men.

Girls are different
than boys, you know.

- Yeah, I found that out the fun
way on our old couch.

- We've got
to fix things, don't we?

- Yeah. We do.

- Why am I in here? Is this
another women's brainwashing session?

- No.

- What are you doing
in here?

- We've gotta
stop our parents from fighting.

- Derek's right. And we need
all your help.

- "Derek's right"?

- Wait, are you guys
on the same side? - Never.

- Except for this.
Now, listen...

[ Video game sounds ]

- My couch!

- Fungus and all.
- Ha! Ha! Ha! Yeah!

Whoo! That's the stuff!

- Is that your... couch?

- Don't look at me,
I had nothing to do with it.

- We did.
- We got it back from the thrift shop.

- Can you believe
no one bought it?

- Uh, what happened
to our couch?

- Uh, your couch?
- Yeah. - Yeah, we sold it.

- Sold it?
Hey, Nora spent--

- Three thousand dollars,
we know.

And we sold it online for 3,500.

- I said
it was vintage.

- But it was only
a week old.

- I didn't
say what vintage.

- I shouldn't have pushed you
into redecorating, mom.

- And dad,

Casey shouldn't have
pushed Nora into it. Ow!

- It's okay. I wanted to
redecorate, but I should have talked to George first.

- You know what?
You did a nice thing.

Besides, this place needs a
woman's touch.

And I'm growing rather fond of
our new painting.

- Aw...

- See, I knew everything would
work out.

Thanks to my lucky shirt.

- Edwin, uh, it's time to wash
your shirt.

- Noooo!

- So explain to me why Edwin
thought washing his shirt

would diminish its luckiness?
- 'Cause you don't mess with a good thing.

- It's a guy thing.
- Yeah, like the hockey playoffs last year,

I used the same red towel for a
month straight without washing it.

- You mean the one in the
bathroom right now? - Hmm, hmm.

- Uh, throw it out after dinner.

- You washed Edwin's
shirt more than once, right?

- Oh yeah, hot water
and bleach. It should be fine.

- Yeah, for Marty.

- I'm not wearing
Stinky's shirt!

- Edwin, I'm sorry.

- It's okay, I'll just wear the
same underwear every day, instead.

- Ew!
- Ew!

- What's wrong with that?
[ Laughter ]

- Silly...

- Who makes us laugh.

Closed captioning: Technicolor,
Creative Services - Montreal

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- Nice.
- Nice.

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