Original subtitles

[twinkling music]

[twinkling music]

- No.

Mom! We've got a problem. - Yeah, tell me about it.

There is no way I can make my presentation on window treatments interesting.

- Uh, you could wear all pink!

- Ah boy. How did that happen? - I dunno.

They were whites when I put them in the wash.

- Nothing like an early morning swim.

Oh, just how I like it! Warm... and toasty.

What? - Derek! You can't put reds in with the whites!

- And since when do we have a pool?

- Ah, our neighbours do.

- Emily's parents let you swim in their pool?

- Technically, no. But, ah, I'm sure they wouldn't mind. - And I'm sure

they would-- they're my best friend's parents. I don't want them hating us.

- We already have shared driveway issues with the Davis's.

- As for this pink-clothes issue, we need to set up a system right now.

Like a hamper for whites, a hamper for colours

and a hamper for... delicates.

- Or you could just stop hogging the washing machine.

- Do you even care that you just dyed all our whites?

- No. - Guys, ah...

can we not just muddle along a little bit longer?

- You said that last week! We need to get it together!

- No, you need to get it together.

So why don't you and your delicates go take

a cold water rinse. Everything's fine.

- No! Everything's pink!

- Boo hoo.

- ♪ Used to be my mother and my sister and me ♪

♪ A happy little family and all right with me ♪

♪ But Mom got married that's when everything changed ♪

♪ Some things were lost and others were gained ♪

♪ A new school, a new house ♪

♪ So many changes it makes my head spin ♪

♪ Now I've got a brother who gets under my skin ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Derek ♪

♪ This is life with Lizzie, Edwin, George and Nora, Marti and Casey ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

♪ Living life with Derek ♪

Add seven people to one house, minus a system of any kind;

that equals total insanity.

Plus the lack of structure conveniently allows

a certain someone, who shall remain nameless -

yes, I mean Derek - to do whatever he likes.

It's time for some changes around here.

I bought some new laundry hampers.

Do you think I should colour code them, or label them?

- Uh... I can't think! I've been working all day

and I can't organize my thoughts.

- It's kinda funny, isn't it? - In what way?

- In the ironic way. I mean you used to be

totally organized before we moved in here.

Remember what Lizzie called you?

- The Nor-ganizer? Yeah I remember.

- I was just thinking

how well things worked in our old place...

[British accent]: Thank you mother for that perfectly well-balanced meal.

And the peace and quiet certainly aids in the digestion process.

- [British accent]: Thank you my darling daughter, Casey.

- [British]: Mommy, may I wash the dishes?

- No, I'm, I'm sorry, Elizabeth. But we have

a very specific way of doing things around here:

you clear, Casey washes and I dry.

- Cheers to that!

[ Laughing ]

- We were never that organized - and,

uh... we were never British.

- I know, but I miss the way things used to be.

Remember the stickies you used to leave on the fridge

reminding me to take my lunch or clean my room?

- Things certainly have changed now that we have a new life with the boys.

- Ha! Ha! Sure has changed --

house smells better, food tastes better.

Not that we didn't eat that well before you got here.

- C'mon, Chinese! - Let's go, Italian!

- And the winner is...

Ribs! Yes!

- Ribs? What country's that from!

- Derek's favourite again? I demand a recount!

I mean... ribs. Yeah...

- At least, Casey, we're not that bad. - Yeah.

- I know, but with a few simple systems, I bet this house could run much more smoothly.

- Smoothly? This... in this house?

[ Laughter ]

Gee.

Oh! You were serious?

- Linda. Come on in. - Thanks.

- Hey, Miss Smarti! Did you have fun?

You're home a little early.

Is everything all right...

- I think Dimi and Marti are through with their play date.

- I hit Dimi!

- But it was an accident, right, Marti?

- No. Dimi bugged me, so I gave him the old one, two.

- Oh Marti -- that's terrible! You never hit anyone!

- But Dimi's a doofus.

- Mmmm. - Marti, upstairs now!

- You're mean! - I'm sure Marti's very sorry.

- No, I'm not! - Hah.

- Cry baby!

- Anyway, I better get back to him.

- Could there be any more chlorine in that pool?

- Well, if you really must go. Ha, ha.

And don't forget, we are hosting the next book club.

- Oh, yes -- we won't forget. Ha! Ha!

- Ha! Ha! Ha!...

Derek, what did I say about swimming in that pool?

- I don't know. I must'a had water in my ears.

- Well, can you hear me now? No more swimming in the Davis's pool!

- I just spoke to Emily. Dimi won't come out from under his bed.

- Oh, now it's official! We're the next door neighbours from hell.

- We're not that bad.

Look, we were just over at the Davis's last month

for the first meeting of that super-fun book club you started.

- Oh, well I thought it would be a nice way to, ah, you know... socialize

and then... you spilled that glass of red wine all over their white chair.

- I couldn't help it.

I was very tense. Their place is just so neat and organized.

- I know, isn't it great?

- I've lived next door to the Davis's for years. We've never really been friends.

- Well, maybe that 'cause you smashed into Mister Davis's car.

- It's a shared driveway. These things happen.

- Three times? - No wonder

Emily's Dad parks on the street now.

- The book club meeting has to go well.

- Three, two, one...

[ Watch beeping ] Hah! Must be something wrong

with my watch - she's never late.

- I am so sorry I'm late.

- Casey, it's okay, really.

- No it's not. We're already behind and I have a lot to figure out so let's get to it.

You're a computer science guy, right?

- Ah... Right. - Okay... and if, if a computer program

isn't precise, it crashes, right? - Right.

- Well, then what's wrong with wanting things to be in perfect order?

- Ah... Nothing. But um, you... you're not a computer.

- I know. But I don't just like structure -- I need it.

- Okay, we... we...

Some people like to be unorganized.

Like, like me for example.

- Sorry. - It's okay.

- Paul? - Uh huh?

- Do you think I'm one of those control freaks?

- No! I would... I would never call you a... freak.

But you do thrive on order,

and you might have unrealistic expectations

of everyone being like you.

- I am a freak. - No, no, no,

you... you... you're not, you're not. But you...

but you could learn to just chill out a little, you know? Like,

as an experiment. Just learn to go with the flow.

Couldn't hurt, could it?

- Ah, yes it could hurt... a lot,

but if, if you think it'll make me

less control freaky, I'll try.

- Okay. So who's not a freak?

- Me.

- Who's not a freak? - Me.

- I can't hear you! - Me!

- Yeah, yeah - there we go.

- Hey! You guys look great in pink.

What's on the menu for dinner?

Not that we need a planned menu...

- Ah... talk to George. He, he grocery shopped.

- No -- you grocery shopped.

- You know if we had a posted grocery list

and assigned days to shop, this wouldn't happen.

But... we can just roll with the punches.

- Oh great! So I can make my specialty: mac and cheese.

- For the third night in a row?

Cool! I'm a... team player. - No,

you're a big freak. - I-I got a better idea!

How 'bout I just barbecue whatever's in the freezer.

- Oh, you mean ice? We can't - we're out of propane, remember?

- Hah! Isn't it funny, how you remembered we were out of propane,

but you couldn't remember to write it down?

- Yeah! Hilarious. So, ah -- mac and cheese it is.

- Oh, good. And Edwin and Lizzie will be happy I guess.

Uh... where are they, anyway?

- Uh, uh, I don't know. George picked them up from school.

- No, you picked them up from school.

[ Derek laughing ] - George!

- How much brain power does it take to remember to pick up two kids from school?

- Of the 14 billion brain cells human beings have??? Six.

- I still can't believe our parents forgot us.

- Hnh! I'm not surprised.

- What are you talking about?

- Chaos theory, Lizzie. It's a math thing.

You see, even our parents' crazy behaviour follows predictable rules.

- So you knew this would happen?

- Yup. I even made sandwiches for the wait.

See, there's one for you...

Ah, one for me. And one for Carl.

Here you go. - Oh. Thank you.

- My husband's on his way. Well... [ Angry voice over the phone ]

I thought it was his turn to pick up the kids --

he thought it was my turn to pick up the kids.

No, we don't have a-a system.

- Car keys? Car keys - where are they?

- Hands! Hands! They're in your hands!

- So, while you guys freak out, I'm just going to, ah, finish dinner.

- Hey, thanks for pitching in Derek.

- Uh, you know, I can pitch in too.

- Will you check on Marti? - I can do that! - Thank you.

- Go with the flow, pitch in, don't try and control everything...

- Who are you talking to? - Myself.

- That's weird. - So is that smell.

[ Sniffing ] It's you!

- I was making portions.

- Portions? - Yeah!

- You mean potions?

Wait -- with what?

Marti! Who said you could make potions with my stuff?

You're not allowed to touch things that aren't yours!

- Yes, I am. - Whooo! Hot date tonight,

Marti? - You think this is funny?

- C'mon, she's just a little kid.

- Yeah? Well what's your excuse?

- Excuse me?

- My clothes are pink, I've had macaroni three nights in a row, Marti washed

my perfume down the drain and how could you forget Edwin and Lizzie at school?

- Okay, Casey, you calm down - you are out of control.

- No, this house is!

- Whoa-oo! - Whoo-hoo-oo!

Okay, now honey, now don't forget --

Lizzie has gymnastics class and Edwin's going to the Science Center

and-and-and don't you think you should be writing this stuff down?

- Nora, everything's gonna be fine when you leave tomorrow.

- Yeh-ah- what are you talking about?

I'm-I'm leaving right now! I'll be back tomorrow morning!

- Right, right! I mean...

I knew that.

- Ah, Georgie! Casey's right.

This whole "go with the flow thing" - it's not working.

We've gotta get our acts together.

- Oh... Just because we forgot to pick up

the kids from school? That's totally normal.

Besides, I'll bet Edwin and Lizzie

are going to laugh about this some day.

In the meantime, I doubled their allowance to make up for the mistake.

- You paid off our kids.

Oh... [ Honking ] I-I have to go.

Ah, why do I think there's something you're supposed to remind me about?

- Because you have no faith in me!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Now go!

- Bye! - Okay, I know what I'm doing! - Mm hmm.

- Wait. Where are Edwin and Lizzie supposed to go?

- I can not believe you said that to your mom.

If I used that tone, I would be grounded 'til I was thirty.

- Yeah, well, I don't feel great about it.

I-I just wish our place was more organized -- like yours.

- My place is organized? - Yeah!

- It's better cold. - Is that Derek?

I was just watching him swim.

I-I mean, I wasn't staring, or anything.

- Is that Emily? Can you tell her like,

stop staring at me when I swim?

- Uh, hold on, Em. What?

- Well, I got something going on in the living room tonight, so stay out.

- You mean a girl?

What if I had plans?

- Well, that's your problem, not mine.

- Hey, can we do the movie at your place tonight?

- Fine by me. I mean, my parents are book clubbing at your place anyway.

- Your parents are coming over here?

- Dad, just to give you a head's up,

ah, the living room's booked for tonight.

- Since when do you get to kick everyone out of the living room?

- Well, it's for a good cause. I mean Amy's coming over tonight and she's really hot.

- Um, George, do you have any plans for tonight? - No.

- Ah, well I'm not trying to control things,

but uh, you might want to double check.

- Why? I mean,

all we have is the, ah, yeah... ...the book club here

on the first Saturday of the month and today's the last Saturday of the month.

- Ah, no the last Saturday was... last Saturday.

- Today's the first Saturday of the month! - Um-hm.

- The book club is tonight! Nora's not here!

Oh my! This isn't good! This is not good!

No, it's okay... it's okay. I'm just gonna-

I'll just phone the Davis's and cancel - they'll understand.

[ Phone ringing ]

Hello? Oh hi! I, ah, I was just going to call you an...

You what?

You saw Derek swimming in your pool and you just had it cleaned?

Ah ha. Oh, and he walked on your peonies.

No, no - you're right. That, that isn't very considerate

and don't worry - I will talk to him.

So, um, ju... listen - you know about the book club, I...

I'm looking forward to it too.

- Why didn't you cancel?

- Because... I was too embarrassed.

Especially after my son left a ring around their pool

and stomped on their flowers

and my daughter hit their son... And I nudged

their parked car...

yesterday. - Dad! Are you sure you don't need glasses?

- No! But you need to cancel your date tonight!

- Why? - Because you're going to help me prepare for the book club.

- Forget it. I'm calling Nora and telling her to come home.

[ Ringing ]

Okay, so scratch that. And why don't you call back the Davis's and cancel.

- Derek, do I ever yell?

- Not unless you're really mad-

- Shut your mouth and listen to me!

We have got to clean this house, prepare some food,

and I gotta read this book all before the Davis's get here

or we're going to ruin our relationship with them forever!

Now, I gotta fly solo here and you're gonna help me.

- Um, permission to speak? - Ah ha.

- I think there's somebody who'd be really helpful.

- You want me to help you get organized for the book club?

- Yeah, I'll bet you can come up with a great system

to get this done in no time. - Yeah!

- But Derek mocks me whenever I try and come up with systems.

- Well, don't listen to Derek... Ever! - Yeah! What?

- Look, I'm trying really hard not to turn into some crazed control freak.

- But we need a crazed control freak!

- Yeah, I mean that's definitely you!

- Sorry, boys, but I've resolved not to be that way. Good luck.

- This may be a fool's errand but we're going to try.

- We're behind you a hundred per cent.

- Thanks, Lizzie. - 'Cuz you increased our allowances a hundred per cent.

- Judge me later.

- Where's Casey?

- She's, ah, freaking out about being a control freak.

- She's not gonna help? - Yes, I am.

- Oh, thanks Casey. - You're welcome.

But I'm not taking control. I'm just gonna be part of the team.

- Just happy to have you aboard

and nobody's expecting you to take control.

So, where do we start?

- Um, well... what can everybody do?

- I can make Mom's cookies!

- I can net search some info and tutor dad on the book. - What can I do?

- Uh, might I suggest a make-work potion project in the bathroom?

- I can make work! - Done.

Now can you two clean?

- Me clean?

- Me work with Derek?

- Is that a problem?

- Not for me. You?

- Can't wait. - Done!

So everyone has their duties. - Ha-ha!

Doodies. Sorry.

- All right, then! Let's go!

- "Take one cup of flour.

One tablespoon baking soda."

We don't have baking soda. But we have cream soda.

- Martha from Moncton calls the book "a page-turning romp".

Eddy from Edmonton says it's a "tour de force

celebration of the human spirit". - That's great,

but George from London still doesn't know what the book is about.

- Hmm. It's about 300 pages long.

- That's not funny!

[ Vacuum cleaner starts. ]

- Over here.

- Add a pinch of salt. A pinch?

- "In Michael Ondaatje's most ambitious work,

we encounter four war-torn souls

whose lives intersect in an Italian Villa".

- Good, good.

So let's just recap what we know here: one -- I know nothing about this book.

Two -- Nora is gonna kill me for ruining our relationship with the Davis's forever.

- Oh! - Ha! Ha! Ha!

- [George]: Five minutes people!

Oh, it's little messy here. Ha! Ha!

Ohh!

- Unhh! I knew it! Too much cream soda!

- Maybe a little.

- Cookie catastrophe!

- Well, the food's not that important.

George, what'd you learn about the book?

- I learned that I should have read it.

- Uh, what about the net research? - Yeah, ah -- it didn't take.

- Marti you're supposed to stay in the bathroom and make potions.

- But there's a pool in there! - Where?

- On the bathroom floor. - Oh-ho-ho -- great!

Great! This place is a mess, nobody can use our only bathroom.

They're gonna be here any minute! There's no way we're gonna fool The Davis's!

- Fool the Davis's? - What did he mean by that?

- I don't know. Hi everyone!

Ah... Please come in. - Nora,

what are you doing home?

- Ah, she's here for the book club!

Ah, we were just helping prepare.

- It doesn't look like you're ready.

- You know, actually, um, I was just thinking about that and, uh...

You're right. We're not.

And to be honest,

I totally forgot the book club was tonight.

Gerry, Linda, I-I-I'm very sorry. I'm sure you've spent

a lot of time preparing, but... well, don't blame Nora.

- No, no... you can blame Nora because, ah,

I forgot about the book club meeting, too.

I'm so sorry. - Uh, we're all sorry!

I just hope you still let me hang with Emily

even if you do hate my parents. [ Door closing ]

- Oh, hey! Amy! Hi! - Derek?

I thought you were supposed to cancel your date!

- You wanted to cancel? Why?

- Yeah why? - No, um - just, just 'cause, ah,

my parents are having this stupid book club thing. But, ah,

but since you're here, why, why don't we just, ah,

go somewhere a little more, ah, private--

- Ah! Book club? Cool! What are we reading?

Ooh, The English Patient!

I love Michael Ondaatje.

- A date of yours reads Ondaatje?

- So what did you think of the book?

- Oh, it's very good. Right, Linda?

- Yes! It was very good.

- I would love to hear your thoughts on the ending.

- Uh... Well...

The truth is... We didn't read the book.

- What?... - You know how it is when you have kids --

you barely have time to hear your own thoughts, let alone read!

- Yeah, but when we were over to your house, I mean

everything was so... so... - Perfect?

- [Together]: Yeah. [ Laughing ]

- I guess we fooled you! - We're messy too.

But we figured any parents of Casey's

must be as neat and organized as she is. We cleaned

all day. [ Laughter ]

- So, let's forget about the book and just go bowling.

- Yeah, good idea.

- But, ah, I'll drive.

- Yeah, I hear ya Gerry. And, ah...

well since Casey volunteered to help today,

maybe you can volunteer to look after the kids with Amy tonight.

- Fun! - And...

you can volunteer to clean the Davis's swimming pool.

- Ah, even more fun.

- Okay, so Tuesdays and Thursdays, I pick up the groceries,

Mondays and Wednesdays George does and Fridays we order in.

- Exactly! And is this cooking column cross-referenced with the cleaning column?

- It certainly is! And...

I added a special chore-free day for birthdays.

- Very clever, Mom. - Well,

you know... I learned from the best.

- Mom, I'm sorry about freaking on you before.

- It's okay. I mean, the truth is we really did need

a wake-up call around here. - Well things like that

will never happen again, thanks to our newly designed organizational flow chart,

easy enough for the whole family to follow.

- Um...

- Ah... Maybe we could just make a list of things to do.

- Good idea.

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