Original subtitles

[ Henry Diltz - Safari Mary ]

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

He still alive.

Won't be very long.

How can you be so sure?

Look at him.

Will you help me get him off the beach?

Not me, if he bites you you can get the rabies.

Oh, rabies my ass.

What's your name?

Sandy.

I'm Peter, this is Dan.

Hi.

Which house's yours? Over there -- the sternhouse.

Hey, will you help me get him off the beach?

These gulls are pretty dirty animals, if they bite you, you really can get sick.

Nevermind, I'll do it myself.

Give me a towel.

Look, if we don't get him off the beach he's gonna die.

He's gonna die anyway.

What happened to him?

I don't know, I was just walking on the beach and there he was.

Maybe he flew into somethin'.

What could he fly into?

Another bird?

[ John Simon - Hal, The Handyman ]

Watch him, I'll be right back.

How old?

Ah, she's just a kid. Talks older.

How can you tell if it's a male or a female?

Oh, males have one thing, as you and me.

Hey, let's take a look when he dies.

If he dies. Ah, he'll die.

Not if she has anything to say about it.

What's that? Beef consumme.

You gotta be kidding. Shut up.

Doesn't like it.

He does too. Gulls like everything. They eat all kinds of crap.

You just gonna kill him quicker by drowning him?

Hey, see he does too like it.

Wooh. Why won't you let him die in peace?

No. No, he's a sweet old bird.

What are you gonna do with that sweet old bird? I'll make him my pet. Hold him.

Very good, now we have a half-dead bird tied to a deck-railing.

Hey, what is that thing in his neck? Where?

Right there -- what is that thing? Jesus it's a fish hook.

Look at that, the thing swallowed a fish hook.

How come there's no blood? Look, he's gonna have to take it out.

Who, me? You're out of your mind. Well, will you do it?

Look, someone has to, he's gonna die.

Please?

I suppose I can try.

Hey, superman, hold his beak. Come on, hold his beak open. Okay.

Now look, I'll do it, but if he bites me-- Just hold his beak open.

I'll hold his beak-- No, you go get me a pair-o pliers, I wanna cut the barb.

Okay, c'mon, hold his beak. How can we get it open?

Open it, alright? Okay. Ouh, dammit.

Hurry up.

Look, I can't hurry up, I'll tear his throat apart, it's stuck in his throat.

Oh, God.

Just... Push that thing... To it's neck.

Got it?

Did you get it?

Yeah, I got it.

Oh, Peter, you saved his life. Thank you, thank you both!

I'll go get some bandages.

[ Cyrus Faryar - Drivin' Daisy ]

You know what?

What?

I spent all day making my bird a harness.

What does he need a harness for? To keep him from flying away.

He's beginning to get pretty active. You really think you can train him?

What does a word "bird brain" mean to you?

Wait 'till I get back to the city.

Can't you two see me walking down Madison with my pet-seagull on the leash?

I want that bird off the deck, I have people coming here for drinks.

He's the ugliest thing I ever saw. I can't stand the way he looks.

Then don't look at him!

What did you say? You hear me Sandy!

Oooh... Snow-white'll be out here in a minute. Who's Snow-white?

Snow-white has very fair skin and turns lobster-red on the sun.

Hi. Hi. Dan, Peter -- Mister Caudell.

Hi boys. Gorgeous day, isn't it?

Going swimming?

I'll later on with that, sun isn't so strong. I have very fair skin.

I turn lobster-red on the sun.

Sandy ya're here, mother sent me out to help ya move that bird off the deck.

We don't need any help.

I think it'd be happy around the back.

What has my mother got against this bird?

He does look kinda menacing. You'd better move him,

she says he'll scare off her friends.

In my opinion that just might be a great service.

Untie him.

Well, I guess if you're the kind of bird that spends your whole life

flapping and squawking it doesn't matter much which deck you do it on.

Yeah, besides he's garbat so it's convenient to be near a garbage can.

Is your mother divorced?

Personally I think she's sleeping with snow-white.

Personally I think that's an ozziating thought.

Hey, maybe we can teach my bird to bite him.

What do you have in mind? On the ass is what I have in mind.

[ John Simon - Last Summer Theme ]

Opener, please? Thanks.

Number one for the lady.

My middle name is Beneace.

What's the matter? This isn't beer.

It's truth serum.

My middle name is ... Albert.

I think it works. I think so.

Come on, Dan, try! I wouldn't tell you my middle name if you torture me.

Okay.

My middle name is Lloyd.

That's gruesome. Daniel Lloyd!

Major truth -- my top is wet.

Major truth -- I like girls who say things like "my top is wet".

Well, I only said that while I've been on the influence of the serum. Well, I appreciate your honesty.

Why don't you take it off?

Here's mind-busting major truth -- my mother has a boyfriend.

How do you know? Saw him.

With her? In bed?

Yeah. You're kidding.

Were they doing it? Yeah.

What'd you do when you saw them?

I turned around and went back out. Walked around for 2 hours.

That's a major truth alright.

Here's one for ya. Snow-white once got funny with me.

What do you mean? He got funny with me.

What did he do?

He stuck his hand under my skirt.

That's disgusting. I know.

What did you do? What could I do?

Well, you could've screamed or something.

No, we were in the living room.

In your own house? Yes!

My mother was out on the kitchen.

What did he do? Sort of... stick his hand!

No, he... he sneaked it under. Then he said something like...

No, Sandra.

Wait... You're very pretty little girl. I don't know...

Oh, God. Will never be able to look him in the eye again.

Why not? He didn't stick his hand under your skirt.

You bet your sweet lobster he didn't.

You still owe us a major truth.

Come on, don't be a chicken. I'm thinking.

About what?

I'm thinking about Sandy's top.

Oh, for Christ's sake. What's wrong? He's supposed to tell the truth, isn't he?

What about my top?

Nothing, is just it's wet, that's all.

Want me take it off? Oh no, I was just kidding.

No, I mean tell the truth. If you want me to take it off, I will.

Oh, man, I don't know. Dan?

Take the damn thing off if you want.

Does Peter want me to? Sure, go on take it off, I don't care, do what you want.

It's not such a big deal-- I know.

Okay.

Oh man, that feels 100% better.

Mean after all we're not kids here. That's for sure.

Are you both listening? Yeah.

Major truth -- I love you both.

Man, I love you too-- I love you too.

Strength of love! Okay!

Hey, listen.

You know, we really gotta be like this all the time. Yes.

I mean, you know, no crap.

No, no... There's so few people we can trust.

Right. We gotta trust each other.

I trust you. I trust you, I trust you.

We all trust each other.

You still owe us a major truth-- Oh, come on.

No, you do.

I can't think of anything. Come on.

You got to.

Listen, this is never gonna get beyond of three of us, is it?

Oh, we just made a pact to trust each other, didn't we?

Right. Okay.

That's really disgusting. It's pretty awful. Oh, for God's sake, what is it?

Well, once I made sandwiches out of cream, cheese and snot,

and gave them to my cousin for lunch to eat.

Oh, my God. That was disgusting.

I think it's great.

What a creep.

I am a creep!

Did he like it? He loved it.

I got a cousin, I have to do that too.

Yeah, me too, only it wouldn't be snot.

Swim. Swim.

If I fill out this questionnaire the computer will get me a date.

Date with a man? No, with a locomotive, jackass.

Let me see it.

Please notify us the minute you become engaged.

If you marriage is not consummated we'll re-activate your account.

If you don't do it to each other you get another girl around.

Hey, come on, let's fill it out.

The cost $10. Dan will split it with us, don't you think?

We can ask him when he gets back from the city.

Well, look, let's fill it out just for kicks, you know?

And then if he doesn't want to, we won't mail it in.

Okay. Okay.

My ideal mate's age should be: older than I am, younger than I am or no preference.

What's the matter with you? No preference.

Ancestory... I should try and use Jewish, how's that for combination?

Hey, you're not thinking about this at all. I know I'm not.

What are you thinking about?

Hmm? What are you thinking about?

Thinking about that time when you went into water without your top.

Oh, yeah? Some show, huh?

Should be very bright, bright or average. They don't have "dumb" down here.

What are you? You asked me, so don't think I'm boasting

but my IQ is 157.

Hey, what's the matter with you? I want you to do it again.

Take off my top?

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

I'm sorry.

That's what was on my mind. Oh, boy.

Hey, I don't understand ya.

God, are you gotta be thinking about my breasts all the goddamn time.

I don't think about 'em all the goddamn time. I was just thinking about 'em now.

You know that bikini doesn't hide very much.

Hey, hey, Sandy. You wanted to see me, don't be afraid.

I'm not afraid. You're lying.

Alright, I am afraid. Of what?

Of do something to ya. You won't.

How do you know? I won't let you.

Section 3. Basic compatibility factors.

I believe that premarital sexual experience is

important prerequisite to a successful marriage.

What shall I say, Peter?

Peter, shall I say "No"?

Ah, yeah. Say "No".

My ideal mate should be: caucasian, negro or oriental.

Peter? Puertorican, why not?

Oh, terriffic. That would really screw 'em up.

Hey, Sandy? What?

You can put your top on now.

Back on.

Thank you.

Listen, bird. There's something we got to get straight. I'm boss here.

I'm absolute ruler over your world. And I have absolute power over you.

And what I say goes.

You understand that, bird? Therefore when I say fly

you fly. Fly! Fly! Fly!

Now listen bird, you just love garbage, don't you?

Now if you're good and if you fly, you're gonna get

a pile of the most delicious garbage on this island.

Now fly.

What do you think, Wilbur? Never get him off the ground, Orville.

He's the same brilliant bird he always was. He's a goddamn stupid idiot.

Bird, you're making me very angry.

Oh, no, don't be angry with me, mrs. Scarlett. Now you're going to fly.

Where to fly?

Up there. Up there?

What do you think you're doing to that bird?

What are you doing to the bird?

None of your damn business.

You just better leave that bird alone.

Hey, look, he's my bird. That doesn't give you the right to torture him.

Look, why don't you get lost?

Not until you take that thing off the bird.

Well, you're gonna leave him alone, or do I have to report to the ASPCA?

Oh, go suck your mother's tit.

Go on, get the hell outta here. It's a free country.

This is a private beach. No it's not, none of this beach is private, it's all dedicated to the public.

Let's get back to bird training. Over my dead body.

How's a messy. Exactly what are you trying to do?

What is she trying to do? Train him to fly.

Doesn't he know how to fly? He seems to have forgotten how to fly.

A bird can't forget how to fly, it's instinctive.

Well, this bird been walking a long time.

He also happens to be a very dumb bird.

He is not a dumb bird. Perhaps he prefers walking.

Who the hell asked you? How did he learn to walk, anyway?

We taught him. Well, that's the answer then, you've traumatized him.

We what? Taken away his sense of identity.

I don't follow you. I do.

He doesn't know he's a bird anymore.

Look at him squawking there, he probably thinks he's a crab.

He knows exactly what he is.

He's a bird.

You are a bird.

Oh, yes.

That's right I'm a bird.

And birds fly.

Yes, we fly. Now fly!

Don't you dare, you'll break his neck.

Hey, give him some garbage, Peter.

Oh, what a good bird you are.

You're a good bird, now you're gonna do it again, aren't ya?

Okay, here you go!

Goddamn stupid bird!

He can't help it, you've turn him into a schizophrenic.

Hey, let's go for a swim. I don't know how to swim.

Who cares? You still here?

Listen, if you'll leave him alone, maybe he'll learn by himself.

Yeah, come on, let's get into water. Okay, it's hot as hell.

Hey, listen you.

You don't go around touching my bird, do you hear me?

I have no intention of touching your bird.

Well, don't stand around and psycho-analyze him either.

Come on, Sandy!

Darling.

I've gone to the city to meet Mr. Caudell for dinner.

Money on counter for yours.

Will catch early boat back tomorrow morning. Love, mother.

Mr. Caudell for dinner. How do you like that euphemism.

What's the euphemism?

Honestly, how do you get by with such a limited vocabulary.

Well, all the girls I dated no wonder used sign language.

I bet.

Why can't she just be honest.

Say that she's gone to the city discrood that little creep.

Careful, he just might be your daddy some day.

Got no chance.

She would never get brawn only to marry him.

She would never get brawn only to marry anybody.

Not even if she fell in love?

No, she says...

She says she's going to make my father pay until he dies.

I got the idea. Let's go to the mainland for lobster and movie.

That's for sure some exciting movie.

What about those Swedes?

Well, maybe excitement had nothing to do with the movie at all.

Maybe it had to do with two of you touching me.

And making me feel so sexy I thought I would faint.

Hey, how do you watch your hurry?

Hey baby, we have got something for ya.

Oh, Christ. What's happening baby?

Well, see ya fellas.

Do we stand a fight? Shit no.

Here you go.

Did you really almost faint?

I'm gonna try it without the line. Bye bird.

So long, bird!

Good bird. Trained bird.

Now head up the beach, fast. Come on, run!

Come on bird!

Isn't that something? Isn't it brilliant? He's trained.

You baked idiot! Hey, he bit skin?

No, no, it's just a scratch. He was eating.

He almost ate me.

Come on, bird.

Even if he was up there I wouldn't recognize him.

By the harness, he's not up there.

I'll never understand how he got that line untied.

Sandy said he must've picked a not lose with his beak.

That's an amazing accomplishment for such a stupid bird.

She seem very upset to you?

I have thought she'd have a fit.

Having him gone.

But she's gunning on us getting him back.

Hey, you think we have to try and lay her?

Who?

Sandy.

Sandy? Gee, I don't know.

Think she'll let us?

Let us do what?

Lay her.

Hey, look at those gulls.

Why they all diving over the forest? Maybe our bird wandered in there.

Maybe got his lie-in tan over some branches with something.

Come on, let's go over and see.

Hey, Peter, you're a virgin, aren't you?

Me?

What about you?

Dunno.

Sure.

Think Sandy is?

I sort of think so.

She acts awfully sexy, the way she's always... Taking off her top.

I don't think she does it to be sexy.

I think she does it to be charmy, you know?

Sort of a... friendly gesture.

If she'd let us lay her, that'd really be friendly.

We made a pact, didn't we?

Didn't we promise to be honest with each other?

All the time. Guess we did.

Then could you explain about why you lied to us?

Lied to you?

How could you think of such a thing? We could think of such a thing.

Cause you told us...

That the gull untied it's line and flew away.

What actually happened is that you taken him

to the forest and bashed in his skull, right?!

Why did you kill him, Sandy?

I don't know. You must know!

Well, suppose you think it over and come up with an answer.

Sandy, we're waiting!

Look, millions of birds get killed around here, you don't care anything about them!

How can you know millions of birds, huh?! Why did you killed that bird?!

Look, it was my bird! We saved his life, you know.

I can do anything I want to my own bird!

Why did you kill him?

Because I saved his life and he turned on me.

Because he's an ungrateful bastard, that's why.

Look, what... What's all the fuss about? It was just a stupid bird!

Why did you lie to us?

I'll never lie to you again.

Never again, I promise.

No matter what happens, I won't lie. After all we made a pact with each other, right?

Give me another chance, will you?

Please. What do you think, Dan?

I don't know, what do you think?

Please.

I think we ought to.

Do you know Eleanor Rigby?

Sure.

It's from the days of chariot races, wasn't it?

Do you know your fly is open?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.

Do you all live in New York?

They do.

I live in New Jersey.

Whatever happened to the gull you were training?

It flew away.

Where do you live, Rhoda?

Thanks. Cleveland, Ohio.

Dig that, man, Cleveland is in Ohio.

Where do you go to school? Fairmont Heights, I...

I'm on the paper.

Doing what?

Weekly column, called Feelings.

Sounds sexy. It isn't.

What is it? What is it about?

My feelings about things.

Don't you have any feelings about sex?

What school do you go to, Sandy?

Windsor Hall.

She's a genius. She has an IQ of 157.

Hey, I... Wonder what happened to that thing?

I don't know, did you send it in? Oh, I sure did.

It's a... Computer dating system.

I think those things are horrible.

All pissed by now. Yep.

Man, your father's really on the sauce.

Saw your ole lady killing hell tonight.

I wish the hell they get a divorce so there'd be some peace around that house.

Which one of them do that worth?

I don't know.

Both pains in the ass.

Hey, come on, let's go for a swim, huh?

Bare ass?

They'll see us.

Not here, up the beach. Come on.

She'll probably gonna tell her mother.

My mother's dead.

Mother's dead, you jackass.

Besides, I don't know how to swim.

You informed us of that fascinating fact yesterday.

Hey, let's teach her. Now?

No, starting tomorrow. You know, that could be your project for the week.

I can tell by looking at her, that's gonna take more than week.

Maybe she doesn't even want to learn to swim.

Do ya?

What are you gonna do for the rest of your life?

You know, sit on the shore and watch? I'm afraid of the water.

Okay, the hell with you. Is it deep here?

Can't go in any closer?

I'm just afraid it will be too deep.

You can't possibly sink with this jacket on.

Now, put your left hand on top of the jacket.

Like this? Hold it tight so it won't hit your chin when you jump in.

Now, with your right hand hold your nose.

Cross it over, that's right.

That's right.

Shall I go in now?

I'll go in first.

Okay.

You know, you can let go your nose until you ready to jump.

Okay.

Okay, come on!

Let's go. You too far away.

Come on, let's go. Come on.

Okay.

Alright, yeey!

You can let go of your nose now!

Hey, you listen to me.

I demand that you hold over now.

Okay.

Okay, now stand up.

No. Come on, will you stand up, and put your feet down?

Too deep.

For Christ's sake, it's to three feet deep here, a midget would touch the bottom.

Don't swear at me. Would you just please put your goddamn feet down.

Are there crabs down there?

This is the ocean, there are crabs.

Do they bite? Yeah, they bite.

What else is there?

Barracuda.

And eels.

And squid.

And moby dick. Now come on, let's go!

You're so mestiful.

Come on.

We made it.

Do I have to take it off?

Can't do in a swim with the life jacket on.

We won't go into deep water, will we?

We'll stay where you can touch the bottom.

Not deeper than my waist?

No, not in the beginning.

Not till the end of the week.

That's right. Or maybe next week.

Or maybe next week.

Some show, huh?

I think we should leave.

No.

No, I wanna watch.

Do my back, Peter.

Accidentally Rhoda.

Why do wear such creepy bagging suits.

Do you think this bagging suit is creepy, Peter?

Yeah, it's pretty creepy. In what way, I'd like to know?

It's an old lady suit. It covers too much.

Hey, you should get a bikini. Wouldn't she look great in a bikini?

Yeah, sure, all the kids are wearing 'em.

I don't think my father would like me wearing a bikini.

Oh, what's he got to do with it?

He's stuffy about things like that, that's all.

Well, he looks at girls in bikinis, doesn't he?

I don't know. He does.

All dirty old men look at girls in bikinis.

My father isn't a dirty old man, he's only 38 years old.

Oh, Rhoda, you're fantastic!

Did you get it?

That's great.

She's not at home?

Any chance she can walk in your home?

No, she's at Mrs. Redman's house, she won't be back for hours.

Okay, close the curtain.

Okay.

Got a candle?

Oh... Yeah.

Peter, give me matches. Okay.

[ Colin Walcott - The Subtle Evanescence of Now ]

Do you think they're not gonna miss it? Yeah.

They turned on last night.

I don't think they took inventory before they went to bed.

Where did they get it?

I can't ask because I'm not supposed to know they have it.

They open all the windows, they think I don't smell.

They're pretty dummy.

Even the maid smells it, she knows what it is.

She told me my mother's springloaded on the baked clams last sunday.

Baked clams. Hey, come on, let's keep going.

Now watch me.

But you have to throw in a lot of air with it.

And gotta take it way down here, hey?

No. Don't waste it. Drop way down here.

It's tricky.

Keep the side of your mouth open.

That's better.

I don't feel anything yet. It takes a while.

How many times have you turned on?

Just once.

Guys at school that had it got caught and thrown out.

Wow.

How you feel?

Pot...

It's like three martinis.

Have you ever had three martinis?

Listen to that music.

Have you heard anything like that?

What a sound.

What are you looking at?

Come on.

On the acne on your chin.

Can't help it. I'm not having a lesson.

No, it's... It's beautiful.

No, really is.

It looks like a little flower garden.

Go to hell.

No, that's what pot does.

Makes things look different.

Okay, what do you see?

I see thousands of... Trinkling crystals.

Like... Petrified snowflakes.

Dan, you have dandruff.

I do.

Let me wash your hair.

Oh, come on, I got a great idea for setting it.

Come on, please.

Okay, you can wash my hair if I can wash your hair.

I'll wash Dan's hair if you'll wash my hair.

Let's wash each other's hair.

Hi, Rhoda. Come on in.

Are you alright? Sure.

Hi, Rhoda. Hi, Rhoda.

I decided come and see you.

Sure, take your things off.

Summer places are roughly boring when it rains, don't you think?

What she said?

She said don't you think summer places are roughly boring when it rains?

I don't think so.

Do you, Peter? Who?

Do you think summer places are roughly boring when it rains?

I mean there's nothing to do.

Well, always my third-grade teacher used to say:

"The devil finds work for idle hands".

I don't believe it.

I see you've been washing your hair.

Washing each other's hair.

Dan and I washed Peter's. And Peter and I washed Dan's.

And Dan and Peter washed mine. And you name it.

My hair is so full of sand from the beach.

I can feel it, so gritty.

My hair certainly needs to be washed too.

Oh, I think that's the vast improvement, don't you think so, Peter?

Seems the same to me.

The same? I styled it.

Who does he remind you of?

Doris Day.

Bastard. Does remind you of Marlo Brando.

You seem like such good friends.

We are. We really are.

We performed bird surgery together.

Drunk truth serum together. And we've told each other awful things about ourselves.

Sort of creates bond between people.

Tell us something awful about yourself, Rhoda.

There's nothing to tell. There's always something to tell.

My mother's dead.

Told us that already. How'd she die?

She drowned.

On Martha's vineyard, five summers ago. Did you see it happen?

No.

Didn't she know how to swim?

She was an expert-swimmer.

Then what the hell happened?

I don't like to talk about it.

Okay.

Schh... No, no. Yes!

Peter. Leave my hair alone, please.

No.

It was a bet my mother made with this man.

She bet that she could do that to a sandbar, and back without stopping to rest.

Ev--everyone was at the party in our house.

It's been a party on friday night. And then on saturday night. And this was sunday.

And I guess everyone was a little... A little bored.

I was going around in my nightgown, kissing everyone good night.

And then I said my mother was an expert-swimmer.

And...

And then this man said that women had an extra-layer of fat around their bodies, so...

They could stay on the water longer without getting chilled.

My mother got mad at this extra-layer fat talk.

Because she was very slim.

I have a picture of her... In my memory book.

She was practically skinny.

Well.

Well, my mother said that she had a lot of endurance.

And she certainly didn't have an extra-layer of fat.

And then my father said.

That my mother had swim out this sandbar half a mile of shore and back...

Without stopping to rest.

And this man said that that was impossible.

And my mother said that she could do it again anytime.

This man said.

"What about right now?"

They...

Smelled of whiskey, when I kissed.

And this man... That had made a bet with my mother.

Capped my behind in both hands.

And kissed me good night, in the mouth.

And my mother took me upstairs.

And changed into her suit.

And then she came into my room.

Suit was red.

And she was wearing this...

This short, white towel...

She looked brightly.

And very excited.

She smelled of whiskey too.

But she didn't drink... Much.

Just enough to feel happy.

She...

She acted very happy that night.

And...

And she...

Closed my door and turned off the light, it was the last time I saw her.

Do they know how she drowned?

They said it was a cramp. There's no way to tell about these things.

What was the bet? I think it was $10.

Accident.

So silly way to die.

Put on some music. Yeah. What do you wanna hear?

How about The Airplane?

But Rhoda, you still haven't told us about yourself, you know.

Well, what about you?

Like what? Like terrible.

I don't know anything terrible.

Oh, sure, everyone does. Tell us something terrible, Peter.

One summer I made some sandwiches out of cream, cheese and snot

and gave them to my cousin for lunch.

It's disgusting. What have you done?

Nothing.

Okay.

Well, I did once...

I like the Doors better. Hm, the Doors are terrific.

Yeah, but dynamic.

What I did, I-- I also like The Electric.

Yeah. But once...

Yes, what the hell did you do, Rhoda?

I spit on my mother's grave.

When? At the cemetery.

My father took me to see her grave. And... And we were walking away.

And I ran back and spit on it.

Why?

She had no right to die like that.

And leave me alone.

Come on, Rhoda.

I'm gonna wash your hair.

If only I didn't keep sinking all the time.

I've never seen anything like it.

Defies the laws of physics.

It's absolutely supernatural.

You mean it's impossible.

No.

You're gonna learn to swim, I promise.

What are you looking at?

Those things on your teeth.

Idious, aren't they?

Uh huh.

My father says -- they'll be off by the time I start to notice boys.

He doesn't seem to know I've been noticing them for quite a while.

Tell me something.

That day on the beach.

When, you know... When we met.

Who'd you notice first -- me or Dan?

You.

Why?

You have a non-mupped face.

A non-mupped face?

It doesn't come right out and say what's kind of become of you.

I mean you can tell just by looking at him...

That he's gonna marry a girl he'll meet at a dance bar...

And have 4 children.

An electric lawn mower...

And become chairman of the committee on admissions to the country club.

Oh, yeah.

Your face.

Wouldn't fit the chairman of the committee for admissions to the country club.

Always wondering, what it would be like to kiss you.

I don't think you'd hurt yourself if that's what you mean.

I don't know, those braces look awfully dangerous.

Not if you're careful.

If you don't kiss me too hard.

I...

Didn't feel them at all.

Did you that time?

You're gonna be a good swimmer, you'll see.

When you learn how to swim, I'm gonna teach you how to dive.

I couldn't learn to dive. Oh, yes you could. Sure you could.

You have to.

Wait 'till you see how beautiful it is down there.

The colors. The way the light shines on things.

The plants.

Just the shape of things.

You know, even a piece of broken glass can be like an emerald.

And the fish move.

Gentle, you know. Nice.

Listen to me. I better quit school and become an aquanaut or something.

Why not?

You do everything I tell you to do.

You learn how to swim & you learn how to dive.

And you know what? What?

I'm gonna kiss you at the bottom of the sea.

There she is. She's coming.

Listen, if we gonna try, we better try it pretty soon. Try what?

You know. Lay her.

Who? Sandy now, who the hell else.

I thought you meant Rhoda. Rhoda?

Are you kidding?

That Sandy drives me crazy sometimes. Me too.

You'd like it as what as me, wouldn't ya?

You'd like it as what as me, wouldn't ya?

Sure I would, you know.

We're really need a little protection on, aren't we? Get that over the mainland.

In a drug store. Okay.

You get it. Ah, we both get it.

Well, you look older than I do. You sound more mature.

Suppose we're got all this great trouble and she says no.

Why would she say no?

She loves us. She keeps telling us she loves us, doesn't she?

Remember that. That doesn't mean she loves us, do you love her?

Yeah. I mean do you love her?

Well, I don't love her.

But I love her.

Let's give it a try.

Watch that.

Come on, let's go meet the girls.

Hi!

Come on, let's get into water, you're wasting the best part of the day already.

Yeah, what were you doing over bay?

Show them, Rhoda. Go on.

What do you think?

Terrific.

Just terrific.

Hello? Fine, thank you. How are you?

Oh, yes.

Saturday night. I think that... That would be fine.

I live on this island, you see.

So there's really not much to do here. So why don't we go to the mainland?

Who is it?

Excuse me a minute. It's my date.

His name is Anibal Gomez, he's 5 feet 7 with black hair & brown eyes.

Wow, the computer came through.

You do have a car, don't you?

[ Spanish speech ] -- you see, I'm learning Spanish already.

I look forward to it too.

Goodbye, Anibal. Goodbye.

It worked! It worked, the computer got me a date for saturday night!

You're not going, are you?

Oh, I sure am. I don't think you should, it isn't right.

Old mother Hubbard again.

Well, he's probably some poor desperate man, who taked it very seriously.

Look, let's not make him into one of a hundred neediest cases, okay?

Hey, how can you go?

He's expecting someone 22 years old with blonde hair and blue eyes.

I can pass for 22 with my mother's wig. Your mother's wig is red.

I'll wear something over my head, I'll wear scarf. He'll never know the difference.

Wait a minute.

Why don't we send Rhoda in your place?

Me?! Oh, hey! That's the terrific idea!

Absolutely not! Oh, come on, Rhoda, it's perfect.

I mean you're the right size, you're the right colory.

You're the right everything. My eyes are gray.

We will tell him that machine made a mistake.

I don't speak any Spanish either. He speaks perfect English.

Oh, come on, Rhoda, honestly.

He sounded very nice on the phone. Then why do you want to make a fool of him?

It's not him, you know. It's machine I'm after.

I don't wanna be computerized. Then why did you said the questionnaire?

To screw up the machine. But now you're going along with the machine by keeping the date.

I am scream of the goddamn machine.

He probably thinks you're... You're a lonely person like himself, who --

I am a lonely person, you jackass!

Where's your sense of adventure? It's not an adventure, it's a doublecross.

Now listen...

The machine thinks I'm one person, while I'm really another.

So I'm sending along the totally different person to screw up the machine even more.

The Puerto-rican isn't the machine, he's a person.

How do you know he didn't lie to the machine?

I bet he's an old man of 60 with his teeth falling off.

Fantastic! A triple cross.

I'm not gonna do it. Period.

Now listen here, Rhoda. I'm not gonna do it.

Now listen, Rhoda. I have a sizeable investment in this questionnaire.

Me too.

$3.35

Which does not grow on bushes where I come from.

I can't help it if I don't wanna hurt that... Poor man.

It's only a joke.

How does she go without sense of humor?

I certainly have a sense of humor. I write jokes in my column.

I bet they're sides-putting.

I can't go with the strange man I never even met. Look, we said we go with you, didn't we?

Yeah, we won't leave you alone with him.

Look, we will tell Gomez all about it when the evening's over.

Yeah, we all have a good laugh together afterwards. Including Gomez.

Really, he sounded very-very nice on the phone, Rhoda. Say you'll go.

Will... Will you stay with me?

You won't leave me alone with him? No, not for a minute.

Say yes. Promise me you won't make a fool of him.

Of course not.

Say yes, Rhoda.

Alright.

I'm terrified. Don't worry about anything, I'll handle it.

Mr. Gomez. Yes?

Hi, I'm Sandy.

Hello. Hi.

This is my friend Rhoda.

She's your date for tonight.

She's someone who filled out that questionnaire. But...

You see, she's very shy and...

That's why she used my name.

How do you do? I'm Anibal Gomez. I'm pleased to meet you.

You are a pretty girl, Rhosa.

These are friends of yours?

Oh, they're with Sandy. Dan, Peter -- meet Annabelle.

No-no. My name is Anibal.

Not Annabelle. Hi, Anibal.

Hi. Hello.

Are we to be together?

I thought it would be nice.

Alright.

If you wish.

How about a drink together?

I don't drink, Mr. Gomez.

I don't want to take anything right now. Maybe a brendy after dinner.

You two, boys, got some identification?

Peter and I had a couple of belts before. We don't want anymore.

Yeah, but don't let that stop you, Anibal. You got one.

One scotch on the rocks, please.

Wanna hear something new from The Band?

Oh, good, play it.

Hey, got a quarter, Annabelle?

It is Anibal, not Annabelle.

Annabelle is a girl's name, no?

Thank you.

Salut, Rhosa.

It's Rhoda.

Shall we?

What do we order to dinner?

Now we gotta get Anibal another drink, right?

Stop it. Dancing makes me thirsty.

Ah, miss, could we have another scotch on the rocks, please?

And make it double.

See, that's a trouble ordering another one later.

I think Rhosa has an appetite.

Now come on, Rhoda, he came all the way out here just to see you.

Rhosa, if you want to order, you order.

Ah, here comes your drink, Anibal.

Salut. Salut.

Miss. Miss?

When the waitress comes back will you please tell her I want to see a menu?

Don't play it, Rhoda. You promised.

Come on, listen, Anibal isn't any hungry yet.

Right, then if you don't tell it, I'll tell it.

Come on, Rhoda, there isn't any hurry.

Rhosa wants a menu?

No, she doesn't, she's on a diet.

Why do you need a diet? You're slim and nice.

You're all very nice.

You will not join me? No, you got it.

Miss, another double, please. Sandy, please.

What's wrong? Anibal feels like drinking or he wouldn't be drinking, would he?

[ Spanish speech ]

You know what that means? That means... Pretty girl Rhosa.

Oh, Rhosie is a pretty girl, si?

No, in Spanish we say "muy linda".

Muy linda.

We're good to go.

Muy linda.

Oh, maybe he's your, Rhoda.

Shut up all.

I see you know that song.

That's vey good.

We have to order dinner right now. No, we don't. Anibal wants another drink.

Yeah, he barely jumped in his boots.

No, no, it's enough of whiskey.

Or mind gets wrong.

Or mind gets wrong.

Anibal, listen... Tell us about Spanish Harlem?

Are there really roses there? Are there rats there?

Or are the rats here.

Hey, let's order! What do we order?

You want another drink, Anibal.

One more!

Stop, Anibal! They're after Rhoda!

Come on, let's get the hell outta here. Come on. Come on.

Peter, grab her! Anibal!

Anibal!

You baked idiot!

Let's get outta here, huh?

Oh, dammit, I forgot the umbrella. Oh, great, we will roast.

You could have reminded me. Where's the umbrella?

He forgot it. God, you've gotta have this, it's like Sahara out here.

Come on, let's go for a swim.

Hi. Hi.

It's one hot day, isn't it?

Listen, I'm very sorry about last night, really, I'm very sorry.

Why did you get him drunk? I don't know.

I asked you to stop, I begged you to stop. Look, I really can't explain it.

Please.

Do you know I love you?

I guess I know it.

But I don't understand you.

When you with me you can be so gentle, but...

When you with them you... completely different.

Listen, Rhoda, that was a pretty serious situation last night. Those guys weren't fooling around,

they wanted to bash our skulls in, alright?

Why did you send Anibal out? I didn't send anybody.

Don't you think that skinny-- He wasn't skinny, fuck, I cannot say!

--and he was drunk!

Christ, I don't find this conversation very pleasant.

All I wanna know.

Is why were you such a coward last night?

You know, we didn't mean any harm.

We just wanted to have a little fun for Christ's sakes!

A little fun. What about Anibal's feelings?

What about mine? You three treat people as if they were made of plastic!

Rhoda. What?

Remember that day on the little island after the swimming lesson? When we were talking about things.

Well, I felt happier that day than I almost ever felt in my whole life.

Did you? Yeah, and I find you very attractive and very sexy and all that too.

If you don't mind my saying so.

I don't mind.

But honestly, God, Rhoda.

When you start to analyze everything, you just give me a terrible pain in the ass.

I see.

Let's talk about something else.

I shouldn't have come here today. Then why the hell did ya?!

I don't know.

You don't know.

You wanna go in the water?

Come on, let's go in the water. No.

Hey, Peter, Sandy's got her pants off!

Peter, come on, I got a surprise for ya!

Would you see?

Hey, what's the difference between America & France?

I don't know. What is the difference between America & France?

In America your goose is cooked, and in France cook is goosed.

Oh, God, it's hot.

Change your mind, Rhoda?

No, thank you. Oh, come on, Rhoda, take one and stop soaking.

I told you I don't like the taste of it.

Look, let's... Let's get off the beach.

You know, go over picnic some place else. Where?

What about the forest?

I mean at least that'd be out of the sun. What do you say?

Yeah. You like cooler there. Damn, none of this damn sun and flies. Okay, Peter?

Rhoda? No, I don't want to go.

Oh, come on, Rhoda.

I don't mind it here. Why use a damn sunburn here, come on.

No. It's too hot to argue.

Coming, Peter?

Nah. Making a big mistake.

Damn hot. You can go if you want to.

You'll be alright? Of course.

See you later then. Hey, wait up!

Oh, God bless Rhoda.

What? For one she did the right thing.

What do you mean? Guess what I got.

What? Guess.

In here.

Oh.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Don't look exactly throw with my brains in foresight.

Oh, yeah, I'm thrown. It's just... It's just that it's so damn hot.

Peter? Peter?

Peter, wait for me.

Oh, shit-- Well, well... It's Rhoda.

You forgot the sandwiches.

We didn't forget them, we didn't want them.

Of course you want them, that's all you have to eat.

I've changed my mind, may I still come along?

Sure, come on.

Take it.

Take it, Rhoda.

Now drink it, Rhoda.

That's good, isn't it?

It's bitter.

Take the bitter with the sweet.

Oh, God.

It's as hot here as it... as it was at the beach.

It's worse.

That blocks the breeze.

There is no breeze, you jackass.

Does anybody want a sandwich? I'm hungry.

I'm starved.

Feel like work out these thermo hunger-packs.

I'll have a sandwich, what kinds are there?

Roast beef and ham.

Roast beef.

Anybody else?

Those aren't very bossy looking sandwiches, Rhoda.

Then knock 'em, she made them herself.

She's gonna make someone a nice little wife someday.

Don't you know how to darn socks, Rhoda?

She's not gonna make someone a nice little wife.

That too bad.

Excuse me, Rhoda. Why?

She thinks you made a vulgar noise.

Do you think I made a vulgar noise, Rhoda?

She thinks it's uncivilized.

Do you know they have a very high level of civilization in Clevelend, Ohio, did you know that?

They're so civilized that they swallow their burps along with their beer.

You're not drinking, Rhoda. I told you, I don't like the taste of it.

It's alright. We'll share it.

Share and share alike, right?

Right, Peter? Right, Peter? Yes.

Gimme that.

Major truth.

It is very hot in this goddamn forest.

Remember that day, Peter?

Remember the truth serum?

Do you remember it?

Sake!

Come on. Eh, you're wasting it.

That's better.

Share and share alike.

Thank you, kind sir.

What's wrong, Rhoda?

Nothing.

Look, you didn't choke.

She prolly swallowed her braces. Where you going?

Home. Don't go.

I want you to stay.

Peter wants you to stay.

Put your top on, Sandy.

Why? They can see.

So what?

Why don't you take your top off, Rhoda?

That's the super idea.

Peter?

Do it, Rhoda.

Peter.

Do it, Rhoda. Peter, please.

Do it.

Let me see what you've got to show.

Stop! Stop it! Stop!

Peter!

Peter!

[ Last Summer OST theme ]