Original subtitles

PREVIOUSLY ON...

MAY I SIT? NOT JUST YET. WHAT IS IT YOU WANT?

I WANNA LEARN YOUR BUSINESS FROM THE GROUND UP,

AND THEN I WANNA HELP YOU EXPAND IT.

BREE... MR. ALLEN?

HIRED A NEW EMPLOYEE. NOW YOU CAN SIT.

YOU SHOULD BE SAYING, "GREAT, ANA. GO FOR IT!"

GABY THOUGHT SHE HAD ENDED A ROMANCE.

WHERE'S DANNY? NEW YORK.

DANNY WENT TO FIND ANA.

YOU HAVE TO LEAVE.

ROBIN WAS ASKED TO GO,

BUT KATHERINE...

HAD A CHANGE OF HEART.

(Mary Alice) PRESTON SCAVO WAS

FINALLY COMING HOME FROM EUROPE,

AND HIS FAMILY WAS WONDERING

WHAT KIND OF SOUVENIRS HE'D BE BRINGING THEM.

HIS BROTHER WANTED AN ARMY KNIFE FROM SWITZERLAND.

HIS SISTER WANTED SOME WOODEN SHOES FROM HOLLAND.

HIS FATHER WANTED SOME CHEESE FROM BAVARIA.

AND HIS MOTHER?

WELL, ALL SHE WANTED

WAS TO HOLD HER LITTLE BOY IN HER ARMS...

(singsongy) GUESS WHO'S BACK!

BUT SHE'D SOON DISCOVER HER LITTLE BOY

WASN'T SO LITTLE ANYMORE.

HEY! (Tom) HEY!

HEY! LET ME AT HIM! I GET THE FIRST HUG! HI. OH, MOM, YOU'RE HUGE!

I KNOW. WELL, LOOK AT YOU. OOH.

PORTER, NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO GROW A MUSTACHE

TO SEE HOW BAD IT WOULD LOOK. WHAT'D YOU BRING ME?

OHH! PENNY, HE JUST WALKED IN.

OHH! GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO UNPACK AND GIVE ME MY CHEESE.

ACTUALLY, I DO HAVE A LITTLE SURPRISE. OH, THERE'S PLENTY OF TIME FOR THAT.

YOU'VE BEEN TRAVELING ALL DAY.

YOU PROBABLY WANT TO TAKE A SHOWER OR A NAP. NO, I KINDA NEED TO DO THIS NOW.

YEAH, MOM. YOU ARE REALLY GONNA WANT TO SEE THE SURPRISE. (chuckles) OKAY, I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.

UH, MAYBE I SHOULD EXPLAIN.

NO, YOU DON'T NEED TO EXPLAIN. I'M SURE WE'RE GONNA LOVE IT.

UH, EVERYONE...

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET IRINA.

(Russian accent) HELLO.

I AM FINALLY TO MEET THE LOVELY PRESTON FAMILY.

(gasps) NICE TO MEET YOU, IRINA.

UM, PRESTON DIDN'T SAY HE WAS BRINGING A FRIEND.

OH, SHE'S MORE THAN A FRIEND, MOM. WE'RE IN LOVE.

(giggles)

YES, PRESTON SCAVO HAD RETURNED FROM HIS TRIP

WITH A BEAUTIFUL SOUVENIR,

AND HIS MOTHER WOULD SOON WISH HE HADN'T.

SOMETIMES YOU MUST WASH AWAY THE MUD

TO REVEAL THAT SPARKLING YELLOW UNDERNEATH.

SOMETIMES YOU MUST CARRY THE FLOWER INTO THE SUNLIGHT

TO APPRECIATE THE REDNESS OF THE ROSE.

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO TAKE OFF THE WRAPPING

TO UNDERSTAND JUST HOW GREEN A BIKE CAN BE.

AND IF YOU WANT TO SEE A WOMAN'S TRUE COLORS,

JUST MAKE HER FEEL UNNECESSARY.

ANA, YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN! BUT YOU CAN'T SEE MY FACE.

THIS IS A TOOL CALENDAR.

IT'S GONNA BE HANGING IN SOME FAT MECHANIC'S BASEMENT,

AND HE WON'T BE LOOKING AT YOUR FACE. I CAME TO NEW YORK TO BE A FASHION MODEL.

I CAME TO MAKE ART FILMS. ISN'T LIFE FUNNY?

I'M GETTING A DOUGHNUT.

YOU HAVE TWO MINUTES FOR AN ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT.

HEY, ANA.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU. YOU WASTED YOUR TIME. WE BROKE UP.

WE WERE BROKEN UP BY YOUR AUNT.

SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR CAREER.

ALL SHE'S EVER CARED ABOUT IS KEEPING US APART...

AND THAT'S WHY SHE SENT YOU HERE.

OH, MY GOD!

THAT'S WHY THE AGENCY'S ONLY BEEN SENDING ME OUT

ON THESE CRAPPY JOBS. (sighs) IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

WE GOT A LOT OF CATCHING UP TO DO.

CAN WE GO SOMEWHERE AND TALK?

COME ON, JANUARY. TIME IS MONEY.

I QUIT.

(door opens) (Angie) GABY, YOU IN HERE?

(door closes) YEAH.

I NEED ANA'S ADDRESS IN NEW YORK.

I'M ON MY WAY TO THE AIRPORT.

WHY WOULD YOU NEED THAT? BECAUSE DANNY RAN OFF TO FIND HER.

WELL, I WILL SAVE YOU THE TRIP,

'CAUSE IF DANNY FINDS ANA, SHE'LL SEND HIM PACKING.

SHE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR SON. (beeping)

SHE'LL TELL YOU HERSELF.

(Ana) Hey, this is Ana. Leave a message.

And if you're my Aunt Gaby, I know what you did.

Drop dead.

HOLD THAT CAB. I'M COMING WITH YOU.

(clank)

HEY.

WOW. AREN'T YOU A LITTLE OVERDRESSED FOR BACON AND EGGS?

AND BUTTERED TOAST.

OH, BUTTERED TOAST.

WELL, IF I'D KNOWN THAT, I WOULD HAVE WORN MY FORMAL BOXERS. (laughs)

SO... DO YOU LIKE IT?

I GOT THE CHECK FROM THE SALE OF THE STRIP CLUB,

AND I DECIDED TO TREAT MYSELF.

PLUS, I FIGURED I NEEDED SOMETHING TO WEAR

WHEN WE GO TO CHEZ NAOMI. CHEZ NAOMI?

WHY DON'T WE JUST STAY HOME AND EAT MONEY?

BECAUSE YOU PROMISED TO TAKE ME THERE

TO CELEBRATE PAYING YOUR BUSINESS LOAN OFF. WELL, I'M SORRY,

BUT THAT LOAN IS YEARS AWAY FROM BEING PAID OFF. NOT ANYMORE.

I TOOK CARE OF IT. YOU DID WHAT?

WITH THE CHECK I GOT. WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?

(chuckles) OKAY, WHAT I THINK YOU MEANT TO SAY WAS,

"THANKS, SUSAN. YOU'RE THE BEST WIFE EVER."

THAT LOAN WAS MY RESPONSIBILITY.

(sighs) YOU WERE PAYING 9% INTEREST.

YOU WERE NEVER GONNA PAY THAT LOAN OFF.

LOOK, I APPRECIATE IT.

BUT IN THE FUTURE, JUST CHECK WITH ME FIRST, OKAY?

OKAY. I'M GONNA TAKE OUT THE TRASH.

NOW?

LEE'S GETTING HIS MAIL.

HE CAN'T SEE MY NEW DRESS IN HERE.

(door closes)

THINK ABOUT IT. YOU ALREADY SPECIALIZE IN COMFORT FOOD--

MARRY THAT WITH A CREOLE OR CAJUN TWIST.

IT'S A NO-BRAINER.

IT'S BRILLIANT. I LOVE IT.

YOU LOVE WHAT?

SAM JUST CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR MY NEXT COOKBOOK--

"DOWN HOME COOKING WITH MRS. VAN DE KAMP."

THANK YOU, SAM.

"TO MY DARLING SAM--

I COULDN'T MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAY WITHOUT YOU."

WHAT WAS THAT? AH, IT'S THE, UH, DEDICATION PAGE TO YOUR NEW COOKBOOK,

I'M GUESSING.

OH, AND I HAVE YOUR FIRST RECIPE--

APPLE BROWNNOSE BETTY.

THAT'S, UH, SAM'S SPECIALTY.

SINCE WHEN IS HARD WORK BROWNNOSING?

THAT YOUNG MAN IS THE FIRST ONE HERE EVERY MORNING

AND THE LAST ONE TO LEAVE AT NIGHT. YEAH, WELL, IT TAKES A LOT OF TIME

TO TURN ALL THAT WATER INTO WINE.

WELL, I AM SORRY YOU DON'T APPRECIATE HIM.

I THINK HE'S TREMENDOUS.

IN FACT, I HAVE DECIDED TO GIVE HIM A PROMOTION.

A PROMOTION TO WHAT?

VICE PRESIDENT.

HEY, CHECK MY STATIONERY. I'M VICE PRESIDENT.

WELL, A COMPANY CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE.

THERE'S PLENTY OF WORK TO GO AROUND.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

YOU BARELY KNOW THE GUY. I'M YOUR SON.

I KNOW YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS NOW,

BUT I AM DOING WHAT I THINK IS BEST FOR BOTH OF US.

REMEMBER THAT SENTENCE.

YOU'LL BE HEARING IT THE DAY I PUT YOU IN A NURSING HOME.

(doorbell rings)

(gasps)

OH. DID I WAKE YOU?

UH, NO. I JUST DIDN'T GET MUCH SLEEP LAST NIGHT.

WHAT'S GOING ON? WELL, I WAS JUST ON MY WAY TO BUY SOME OVERPRICED SHOES

TO GO WITH MY OVERPRICED DRESS. YOU WANNA COME?

OH, THANKS, BUT IT'S...

NOT A GOOD TIME.

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

YEAH. FINE. GOTTA GO.

OH.

PLEASE DON'T SHUT ME OUT, KATHERINE.

NOW THAT YOU'RE HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL,

I WANT US TO GO BACK TO THE WAY WE USED TO BE.

THERE WAS A TIME YOU AND I COULD TELL EACH OTHER ANYTHING.

OH, HEY, SUSAN.

MORNING, HON. I'LL GO MAKE THE COFFEE. UH...

SO...

ANYTHING YOU WANNA TELL ME?

(siren wailing in distance)

(horns honking)

(dog barking in distance)

YEAH?

ARE YOU ROSE DE LUCA? WHY?

I THINK YOU'RE MY GRANDMA.

TYLER?

(sighs) (chain scrapes)

(laughing)

SO AFTER WE GET TO MANHATTAN, WHAT'S OUR PLAN?

WE GO TO ANA'S MODELING AGENCY.

I KNOW THAT WORLD. IT'S ALL INTERCONNECTED.

SOMEONE WILL KNOW SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHERE THEY ARE.

OH. HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT WORLD? WERE YOU A MODEL? YEAH. YOU DIDN'T KNOW?

BIG-TIME. I WAS EVEN ON THE COVER OF "VOGUE."

REALLY? MM-HMM.

WHAT HAPPENED? I DECIDED I WANTED A DIFFERENT KIND OF LIFE AND MARRIED CARLOS.

WOW. GOOD FOR YOU.

SO...

WHAT?

IT'S JUST, I SHARED SOMETHING ABOUT MY PAST,

AND I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT YOURS,

LIKE WHERE YOU GREW UP

OR WHERE YOU LIVED BEFORE MOVING TO FAIRVIEW.

OH, MY PAST ISN'T THAT INTERESTING.

OH, COME ON. I SHARED STUFF ABOUT ME.

TELLING ME YOU WERE A SUPERMODEL IS NOT SHARING. IT'S BRAGGING.

IT'S NOT BRAGGING WHEN IT'S THE TRUTH.

AND THE FACT IS, I WAS VERY SUCCESSFUL. WELL, IF YOU WERE SO SUCCESSFUL,

HOW COME I'VE NEVER HEARD OF YOU BEFORE? BECAUSE YOU HAD TO BE LOOKING IN A FASHION MAGAZINE,

AND I DOUBT YOU WERE EVER DOING THAT.

ARE WE DONE SHARING?

OH, YEAH.

(Irina giggles) WOW. SO PARIS, PRAGUE, MADRID--

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU GUYS SAW EVERYTHING.

BUT YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD US HOW YOU TWO MET.

WELL, UH, THE FIRST TIME I SAW IRINA WAS ON A BEACH IN NICE.

IT, WAS, UH, HOW YOU SAY IN ENGLISH?

THE... (mutters)

T-TOPLESS?

YES! (laughs)

(chuckles) OH, YOU REALLY DID SEE EVERYTHING.

I WAS SO EMBARRASSED TO SHOW MY BREASTS IN PUBLIC.

WELL, CLEARLY, YOU'VE GOTTEN OVER THAT.

SWEETIE? HMM?

WOULD YOU GIVE ME A HAND?

OH, SURE. ARE YOU FINISHED?

OH, THANKS, MOM. UH-HUH.

(whispering) WHY ARE YOU BEING SO RUDE?

(whispering) BECAUSE I LOVE THAT BOY

MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD,

AND THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL HE COULD GET A WOMAN THAT HOT,

SO WHAT DOES SHE WANT?

FINE. HE'S DATING OUT OF HIS LEAGUE.

REMIND ME TO HIGH-FIVE HIM LATER.

NOW GET BACK OVER THERE AND BE NICE.

(normal voice) HERE YOU GO. THANK YOU.

MM-HMM. YOU HAVE GIVEN ME SO MUCH BEAUTIFUL FOOD.

YOU'RE WELCOME. (chuckles)

AND YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL BOOTS.

PRESTON BUY THESE FOR ME IN PARIS.

300 EUROS--

ALMOST $400 AMERICAN, YES?

HUH. I REMEMBER SENDING YOU MONEY IN PARIS

FOR AN EMERGENCY.

I DIDN'T REALIZE IT INVOLVED FOOTWEAR.

FINE. I'LL PAY YOU BACK OUT OF MY COLLEGE FUND.

YOUR SON IS SO GENEROUS.

YOU KNOW, HE PROMISED TO TAKE ME

TO THE SHOPPING SPREE IN REAL AMERICAN MALL?

I HEAR PEOPLE PAY $80 FOR T-SHIRT.

WELL, HERE IN AMERICA,

PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO PAY A LOT FOR BEAUTIFUL THINGS.

(water draining) I'M SORRY. THE WATER WAS RUNNING.

DID YOU JUST SAY KATHERINE IS A LEPRECHAUN?

LESBIAN. KATHERINE IS A LESBIAN.

OKAY. THE FIRST ONE MADE MORE SENSE.

APPARENTLY, THE OTHER NIGHT,

KATHERINE AND ROBIN GOT A LITTLE DRUNK-- HOLD IT. ROBIN?

YEAH. SHE'S A LEPRECHAUN, TOO.

WOW.

KATHERINE AND ROBIN.

OKAY. OKAY.

YOU--YOU COULD JUST GET THE IMAGE OUT OF YOUR HEAD,

OR I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU ANYTHING ELSE. THIS IS TOO WEIRD.

WELL...

A LOT OF PEOPLE DISCOVER THEY'RE GAY LATER IN LIFE.

NO, I MEAN, HOW COULD SHE GO FROM BEING WITH ME

TO BEING WITH WOMEN? OH, MIKE, SHE WAS PROBABLY LEANING THAT WAY ALREADY.

SHE WAS LUCKY TO HAVE YOU. YOU WERE A NICE TRANSITION.

WHAT?

WELL, YOU KNOW, UH,

I-I MEAN, WHEN YOU MAKE LOVE,

YOU'RE SO GENTLE AND YOU LIKE TO CUDDLE AND...

SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, THAT I MAKE LOVE LIKE A WOMAN?

NO, NO. I'M SAYING...

THAT YOU ARE A WELL-BALANCED MAN

WHO'S IN TOUCH WITH HIS FEMININE SIDE.

I DON'T EVEN HAVE A FEMININE SIDE.

MIKE, COME ON.

I--IT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU.

YOU CRY AT MOVIES.

MOVIE. ONE MOVIE-- "BRIAN'S SONG."

AND "THE NOTEBOOK."

TEARS OF BOREDOM.

MIKE.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS ANYMORE.

WHY IS DADDY YELLING?

HE MAY HAVE TURNED A WOMAN INTO A LEPRECHAUN.

LOOK, YOU CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT IRINA ALL YOU LIKE.

I-I THINK SHE'S NICE.

PLEASE. YOUR OPINION OF HER WAS SET

ONCE YOU HEARD THE WORD "TOPLESS." (earrings clatter)

THAT REMINDS ME. DID PRESTON TAKE ANY PICTURES ON THIS TRIP?

(scoffs) TOM, I WAS THERE WHEN SHE UNPACKED HER SUITCASE.

(imitates Irina) PRESTON BUY ME THIS. PRESTON BUY ME THAT.

(normal voice) I AM TELLING YOU, THAT WOMAN IS...

(imitates Irina) HOW DO YOU SAY? A GOLD DIGGER.

(laughs)

YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE RIGHT, SHE'LL MOVE ON SOON ENOUGH.

(sighs) YEAH. (knock on door)

YEAH?

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU GUYS.

I KNOW THAT LOOK. HE'S COME TO HIS SENSES.

I PROPOSED TO IRINA, AND SHE SAID YES.

(whispers) OKAY, I DON'T KNOW THAT LOOK AT ALL.

YOU PROPOSED?

BUT YOU'VE ONLY KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A FEW MONTHS.

YEAH. BUT SHE'S THE ONE. I KNOW IT.

(normal voice) OH, HONEY.

WAKE UP.

WHAT'S THAT MEAN? W-W--YOUR--YOUR MOTHER'S JUST CONCERNED

THAT IRINA MIGHT BE WITH YOU FOR THE WRONG REASONS.

LIKE YOUR COLLEGE FUND. WHY'D YOU TELL HER ABOUT THAT?

WOW. WOW.

YOU MUST REALLY THINK I'M AN IDIOT.

I THINK YOU'RE YOUNG.

AND I'M SORRY. SOMETIMES YOUNG IS IDIOT-ADJACENT.

YOU DON'T APPROVE?

FINE. I CAN LIVE WITH THAT.

BUT I WANT NANA'S RING.

NO! YOU WANT TO BUY THAT WOMAN BOOTS, I CAN'T STOP YOU,

BUT SHE IS NOT GETTING MY GRANDMOTHER'S RING.

NANA PROMISED I COULD HAVE THAT RING WHEN I GOT MARRIED.

YOU DON'T GET A SAY. OH!

HEY.

YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE.

YEAH, WELL, MAYBE THE MISTAKE I MADE WAS COMING HOME.

(door closes)

(telephones ringing)

GOD, YOUR FRIEND OWNS THIS PLACE?

IT'S PRETTY SWANK.

YEAH, WE USED TO CALL IT "THE HOUSE THAT BULIMIA BUILT."

UGH. I COULD HAVE NEVER BEEN A MODEL.

I LIKE FOOD TOO MUCH.

YEAH, THAT'S WHY.

HEY. CAN SOMEBODY GET ME A COFFEE LATER?

HOLY CRAP. IS THAT HEIDI KLUM?

HEY.

YEAH. HMM.

DO YOU WANNA MEET HER? GET OUT.

SURE. SHE'S AN OLD FRIEND.

COME ON. HEIDI.

HEY. (singsong voice) HEIDI!

(chuckles) HI. IT'S ME, GABY.

GABRIELLE MARQUEZ.

I REMEMBER YOU.

IT'S HARD TO FORGET SOMEONE WHO TAPED TOILET PAPER

TO THE BOTTOM OF MY MANOLO BLAHNIKS

AND LAUGHED WHEN I WALKED DOWN THE RUNWAY.

(chuckles nervously) I WAS--

I WAS QUITE THE PRACTICAL JOKER BACK THEN.

ANYWAY, UH, THIS IS MY FRIEND, ANGIE BOLEN, FROM FAIRVIEW.

PRACTICAL JOKE, MY ASS. BECAUSE OF YOU,

I DIDN'T GET TO BE ON THE COVER OF "SPORTS ILLUSTRATED."

SO SCREW YOU, SCREW YOUR FRIEND AND SCREW FAIRVIEW.

SHE SEEMS NICE.

GABRIELLE!

LUKE! OHH!

(kisses) HELLO, GORGEOUS!

HI. THIS IS MY NEIGHBOR ANGIE.

OH. WELL, NICE CHEEKBONES.

NOW WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT SNOTTY NIECE OF YOURS?

I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG--

SHE'S GIFTED AND SHE'S GOT THE LOOK--BUT THAT ATTITUDE!

TELL ME ABOUT IT. HMM.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE SHE IS? SHE'S NOT IN HER APARTMENT. YOUR NIECE WALKED OFF A SHOOT.

HER BOYFRIEND, BROODY McFINE ASS SHOWED UP,

TOLD HER THAT HE HAD RELATIVES IN TOWN THEY COULD STAY WITH.

SHORT STORY SHORTER--

I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE WENT AND DON'T CARE.

YOU HAVE RELATIVES IN NEW YORK?

ONLY ONE.

(doorbell buzzes)

(Rose) WHO'S THERE?

IT'S ME, MA.

(lock clicks)

(loud slap)

WHAT?

I FINALLY GET TO MEET MY GRANDSON FOR THE FIRST TIME,

AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT HE HAS TO GO?

YOU KNOW IT IS NOT SAFE HERE, MA. HERE'S WHAT I KNOW--

EVERY NIGHT, FOR THE PAST 18 YEARS,

I WAS THE ONLY ONE AT THIS TABLE.

YEAH. ONE PLATE, ONE CUP, ONE CHAIR.

AND THEN SOMEONE KNOCKS ON MY DOOR,

AND THEY SIT RIGHT THERE.

(voice breaks) AND HE CALLS ME "GRANDMA."

I COULD HAVE LOOKED AT HIM TILL MY EYES DRIED UP.

AND NOW YOU SHOW UP, AND YOU TELL ME IT'S NOT SAFE.

WHY? THE FEDS DON'T CARE ABOUT HIM.

IT'S NOT THE FEDS I'M WORRIED ABOUT.

(gasps) OH, SO THAT'S WHY YOU WANT TO TAKE HIM AWAY.

PATRICK LOGAN?

IF MY KID SHOWS UP, HE S A DIRECT LINK TO ME.

THAT'S HOW HE'LL FIND ME. THAT WAS 18 YEARS AGO.

PATRICK LOGAN DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU,

AND HE SURE AS HELL DOES NOT CARE ABOUT MY GRANDSON!

MA, PLEASE.

I'LL TELL DANNY YOU WERE HERE.

ROBIN THE STRIPPER?

YOU HAD SEX WITH ROBIN THE STRIPPER?

HOLY CHAZ BONO. WAS THAT THE FIRST TIME YOU EVER...

YES.

AND ROBIN'S AT HER COUSIN'S WEDDING,

SO I ONLY HAVE A COUPLE OF DAYS TO FIGURE THIS OUT.

AM I GAY NOW?

WELL, DID YOU ENJOY IT?

I DON'T KNOW. IT WAS DIFFERENT.

I MEAN, WE STARTED KISSING, AND THEN WE--

N-NO D-DETAILS NECESSARY.

KATHERINE, YOU'RE NOT GAY.

AS MUCH AS YOU THINK YOU CAN SWITCH YOUR ENTREE

FROM MEAT TO FISH, IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.

THIS IS NOT A CHOICE.

BUT HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED IF I'M NOT GAY?

LOOK, I WAS WITH WOMEN ALL THROUGH MY 20s...

ANY EXCUSE TO DRAG THAT OUT.

BUT IT ALWAYS FELT WEIRD.

THEN WHEN I SLEPT WITH A MAN, I KNEW THAT WAS IT.

THEN A THOUSAND MEN LATER, HE FOUND ME.

MY POINT IS, IF IT DIDN'T FEEL QUITE RIGHT TO YOU,

CHANCES ARE IT'S JUST A ONETIME THING.

OH, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE WERE BOTH PRETTY DRUNK.

IF YOU'RE NOT SURE, TAKE SEX OUT OF IT. GET TO KNOW ROBIN.

I-IT'S A LITTLE LATE TO START DATING.

WE ALREADY LIVE TOGETHER.

THAT IS FAST.

MAYBE YOU ARE A LESBIAN.

AND IN THE SHORT TIME HE'S BEEN HERE,

SAM HAS PROVED HIMSELF INVALUABLE.

SO I WOULD LIKE YOU ALL TO GIVE YOUR SUPPORT

TO OUR NEW VICE PRESIDENT.

THANK YOU. THIS IS A GREAT COMPANY,

BUT I THINK WE CAN MAKE IT EVEN BETTER.

NOW I'VE GOT A LOT OF GREAT--

OH, OH, SORRY. I WAS JUST, UH, SHOWING MY SUPPORT.

CARRY ON.

ANDREW, IS THAT BEER? (beer swishes)

HEY, JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HAVE A LIQUID LUNCH,

DOESN'T MEAN THE REST OF US HAVE TO SUFFER. (whispers) ANDREW.

IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY. I'VE GOT THIS.

OKAY, BUDDY, WHY DON'T WE GET YOU SOME COFFEE?

WHY DON'T WE NOT? OH, BESIDES,

I-I BELIEVE EVERYBODY IS WAITING TO HEAR

HOW YOU'RE GONNA SPRINKLE YOUR MAGIC FAIRY DUST

AND WHIP THIS COMPANY INTO SHAPE. AM I RIGHT? OKAY, YOU NEED TO GO NOW.

GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! (loud clatter)

ANDREW!

SAM, ARE YOU OKAY?

(clears throat)

I'M FINE.

BUT IF YOU DON'T MIND,

I THINK I'LL TAKE THE REST OF THE DAY OFF.

(door opens and closes)

SEE? TOLD YOU HE WAS A SLACKER.

LYNETTE, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

HEY, JIMMY. MY SON CAME HOME FROM EUROPE

AND IS ENGAGED TO A BEAUTIFUL RUSSIAN GIRL.

CONGRATULATIONS.

I HATE HER. OKAY.

ANYWAY, THIS IS MY GRANDMOTHER'S RING,

AND PRESTON WANTS TO GIVE IT TO HER. SHE'S VERY LUCKY.

OH, SHE'S NOT GETTING THIS... OKAY.

BECAUSE YOU ARE GONNA FIND ME A CHEAP COPY.

OH, I CAN TRY,

BUT SHE'S PROBABLY GONNA KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. OH, I'M COUNTING ON IT.

IRINA IS QUITE THE OPPORTUNIST.

FIVE SECONDS AFTER SHE GETS IT,

SHE'LL HAVE THAT PIECE OF GLASS APPRAISED,

AND WHEN SHE FINDS OUT MY SON HAS GIVEN HER A... (gasps) FAKE,

I'M BETTING THAT LITTLE RUSSIAN PARASITE WILL BE LOOKING

FOR A NEW HOST BODY. BUT WHEN YOUR SON FINDS OUT, ISN'T HE GONNA BE MAD?

OH, THAT'S WHY I KEEP HAVING KIDS, JIMMY,

TO REPLACE THE ONES WHO HATE ME.

M.J.'s ASLEEP.

ARE YOU COMING TO BED?

I MISS YOU.

WHAT, YOU, UH, NEED SOMEBODY TO DO YOUR HAIR?

YOU KNOW, US SENSITIVE MEN ARE GOOD AT THAT.

PLEASE DON'T POUT.

YOU ARE ALL MAN.

YOU'RE ONE OF THE STRONGEST, MOST MACHO MEN I KNOW.

(kisses)

NOW COME UPSTAIRS.

I DON'T HAVE TO COME UPSTAIRS TO SHOW YOU THAT.

OH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I CAN SHOW YOU HOW MACHO I AM RIGHT HERE.

OH. DON'T YOU THINK OUR BED IS A BIT MORE COMFORTABLE?

MM. BEDS ARE FOR WIMPS. OKAY, THAT WAS M.J.'s LUNCH.

NOW I'M GETTING RID OF THIS T-SHIRT. (laughs)

(grunts)

GOD, WHAT IS THIS MADE OF? OH, HERE. LET ME TAKE IT OFF.

NO. OH.

I'M RIPPING IT. OH, MIKE,

YOU--YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO PROVE. YOU-- WHERE ARE THE SCISSORS?

I JUST WANT TO MAKE A LITTLE STARTER CUT. AAH! OH. ARE YOU OKAY?

OH, YEAH, YEAH. I'M FINE. I LIKE IT ROUGH. OH.

AAH! OH! I'M GLAD THAT YOU'RE HAVING FUN, BUT MY BACK IS HURTING,

SO LET ME GET ON TOP. NO. NO. I'M ON TOP.

SERIOUSLY, MIKE. I'M ON A SALT SHAKER.

(thud)

(grunts) OH, SWEETIE. ARE YOU OKAY?

NO, NOT REALLY.

HONESTLY, IF I HAD KNOWN

THAT YOU WERE GONNA GET THIS UPSET ABOUT KATHERINE--

IT'S NOT ABOUT KATHERINE. IT'S YOU.

AND IT'S NOT EVEN REALLY ABOUT YOU. IT'S ME.

OKAY, JUST HOW HARD DID YOU HIT YOUR HEAD?

THE LOAN.

SUSAN, YOU PAID OFF MY LOAN.

WELL, ISN'T THAT A LITTLE, UH,

1956 OF YOU?

I GREW UP...

WATCHING A MAN WHO DIDN'T PROVIDE FOR HIS FAMILY,

AND I ALWAYS SWORE THAT WAS ONE THING I WAS GONNA DO.

I'LL NEVER BE RICH,

I'LL NEVER BE FAMOUS,

BUT I CAN BE A GUY WHO TAKES CARE OF HIS FAMILY.

WELL, IN THAT CASE,

I WILL CANCEL THE CHECK TOMORROW,

AND YOU CAN PAY THE LOAN OFF BY YOURSELF.

THANK YOU.

HEY, YOU KNOW THAT 1956 THING?

HMM?

IT'S KINDA SEXY.

REALLY? MM-HMM.

MM. (giggles)

ANA, THIS IS MY 17th MESSAGE.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL PICK UP THE PHONE,

BECAUSE I AM NOT LEAVING NEW YORK UNTIL I SEE YOU. (closes cell phone)

TELL ME. WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU PLANNING TO DO?

(wine pours) FIND ANA, CUT THE PURSE STRINGS,

DESTROY HER HOPES AND DREAMS AND CATCH A BROADWAY SHOW.

OH, MY GOSH!

HI, GUYS! (chuckles)

HI! OH, UM, ANGIE, YOU MET LUKE,

AND OF COURSE YOU RECOGNIZE

THE BEAUTIFUL PAULINA PORIZKOVA.

SHE AND I GO WAY BACK.

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? GIVE ME A HUG. WHY?

WHAT'S WRONG? YOU TREATED ME LIKE DIRT, AND NOW YOU WANT A HUG?

(chuckles) WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU REMEMBER ALL THE FUN WE HAD

DOING THAT PHOTO SHOOT ON THE BEACH IN BRAZIL. WHAT I REMEMBER IS GETTING YOU THAT JOB

WHEN YOU WERE JUST STARTING OUT

AND THEN FREEZING ON THE SAND FOR THREE HOURS

WHILE YOU BITCHED BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T FIND

THE EXACT RIGHT SHADE OF LIPSTICK

THAT WOULD MAKE YOU LOOK PRETTY.

I SEE YOU STILL HAVEN'T FOUND IT.

YOU KNOW...

I REALLY DON'T THINK I NEED TO MEET ANY MORE OF YOUR FRIENDS.

I'M GONNA GO CALL NICK.

(scoffs) CAN YOU BELIEVE PAULINA?

WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?

OH, YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

(scoffs)

OKAY, MAYBE I THREW A LITTLE ATTITUDE ONCE IN A WHILE.

YOU DIDN'T THROW IT, HONEY. YOU HEAVED IT.

OH, COME ON. I WAS NO WORSE THAN A LOT OF OTHER GIRLS.

NO, SWEETIE, YOU WERE THE QUEEN BITCH DIVA--

INSULTING PHOTOGRAPHERS, UPSETTING BOOKING AGENTS.

(whispers) THAT'S WHY YOUR CAREER WENT DOWN IN FLAMES.

NO. MY CAREER ENDED BECAUSE I DECIDED TO MARRY CARLOS.

YOU REMEMBER. I CALLED YOU THE NIGHT HE PROPOSED.

YEAH, AND I TOLD YOU TO GRAB THAT BRASS RING.

BECAUSE I KNEW IT WAS OVER FOR YOU,

AND YOU DID, TOO,

OR ELSE YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE LEFT.

(kisses)

EXCUSE ME? I THINK I'M IN THE WRONG PLACE.

DOES SAM ALLEN LIVE HERE?

THAT ONE. BUT HE'S NOT HERE.

OH. THEN I GUESS I'LL JUST, UH, LEAVE THESE ON HIS PORCH.

IF YOU WANT THE DOGS TO EAT IT.

PUT IT INSIDE. IT'S UNLOCKED.

(door creaks open)

(Sam) MRS. HODGE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH A PICTURE OF REX?

I'M WAITING.

HE WAS MY FATHER.

WHAT?

THIS IS NOT HOW I WANTED YOU TO FIND OUT. I AM SO SORRY.

BREE, LET ME EXPLAIN. (engine starts)

IRINA REALLY LOVED THE RING, MOM. THAT'S WHY SHE WANTED

TO GO RIGHT TO A JEWELER, TO GET IT SIZED. GOOD.

LISTEN, I KNOW I SPRANG THIS ON YOU,

BUT ONCE YOU GET TO KNOW HER, YOU'LL SEE WHAT I SEE IN HER.

I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO WHEN WE BOTH SEE THE SAME THING.

HELLO, EVERYONE.

(Tom) HEY, IRINA. (Lynette) HEY.

(chuckles) MMM. MMM.

YOU HUNGRY? MOM MADE LENTIL SOUP.

I TOLD HER IT WAS YOUR FAVORITE. OH, YOUR MOTHER'S FULL OF THOUGHTS.

OH, IN ENGLISH, WE SAY "THOUGHTFUL."

YES. OH, YOU'RE NOT WEARING YOUR RING.

GEE, I HOPE THERE'S NOT A PROBLEM.

I AM ALL DAY THINKING ABOUT THIS RING.

I DO NOT WANT IT.

BUT... PRESTON SAID YOU LOVED IT.

I DO,

BUT IT IS TOO PRECIOUS.

THIS RING HAS BEEN IN YOUR FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS,

AND FOR YOU TO GIVE IT TO WOMAN YOU DON'T KNOW,

IT FEELS WRONG.

(whispers) SAVE IT FOR PENNY.

WOW. WHAT A CLASSY THING TO DO.

THANK YOU, IRINA.

YOU CAN BUY ME ANOTHER RING.

YOU SURE? NANA'S RING IS WORTH A LOT MORE

THAN ANYTHING I CAN AFFORD.

YES, PRESTON. I KNOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH IT IS WORTH.

BUT I WANT YOUR MOTHER TO KNOW

I AM FULL OF THOUGHTS, TOO.

SO... LET'S EAT.

PRESTON, GET HER A CHAIR. HERE YOU GO, HONEY.

(Preston) YEAH, DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT. YEAH, WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE SALAD...

(siren wailing in distance)

WOW.

2 VISITS IN 18 YEARS. IT'S GETTIN' MONOTONOUS.

I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING...

ABOUT PATRICK.

THIS AGAIN?

FINE.

(clatter)

WHAT ABOUT THE GREAT AND POWERFUL PATRICK LOGAN?

FIRST YOU HAVE TO PROMISE YOU WON'T EVER TELL DANNY.

(horns honking) ANA!

THERE YOU ARE!

I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. JUST GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY,

THEN YOU CAN TELL ME TO GO TO HELL. TWO MINUTES.

I'LL MEET YOU INSIDE.

BEFORE YOU START,

I KNOW YOU SENT ME TO NEW YORK JUST TO GET ME AWAY FROM DANNY.

TRUE. I BEGGED LUKE TO TAKE YOU, AND HE DID ME A FAVOR. I KNEW IT.

BUT IT TURNS OUT I WAS DOING HIM A FAVOR, TOO,

BECAUSE HE THINKS YOU'RE REALLY TALENTED. HE SAID THAT?

HE ALSO THINKS YOU'RE A PETULANT, WHINY, SPOILED BRAT,

JUST LIKE I WAS, AND THAT'S GONNA KILL YOUR CAREER,

JUST LIKE IT KILLED MINE. I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUCCESSFUL.

I WAS, UNTIL EVERYONE WAS TIRED OF PUTTING UP WITH MY CRAP.

SO I WANT YOU TO GO BACK TO LUKE, APOLOGIZE

AND START ACTING LIKE A PROFESSIONAL.

MODELING CAN BE A GREAT RIDE,

AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE KICKED OFF BEFORE IT'S OVER,

LIKE I WAS.

MOM, I KNOW YOU'RE HERE FOR ME, BUT I'M NOT GOIN'.

ALL RIGHT, GRANDMA WANTS ME TO STAY.

NO.

I DON'T.

WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HER?

SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING.

YOUR MOTHER KNOWS WHAT'S BEST.

BUT...

WE HAVE A RELATIONSHIP NOW, HMM?

WE'RE GONNA TALK TO EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME.

REALLY?

I PROMISE.

BUT AS LONG AS YOU'RE HERE, NEITHER ONE OF US IS SAFE.

NOW GO PACK YOUR STUFF.

(horns honking)

(dog barks)

HI.

DO YOU, BY ANY CHANCE,

KNOW WHO THAT WOMAN IS TALKING TO ROSE?

YEAH, THAT'S HER DAUGHTER ANGIE.

REALLY? I HAVEN'T SEEN HER AROUND HERE.

WHERE--WHERE IS SHE VISITING FROM?

FAIRVIEW.

HE'S STILL OUT THERE.

YOU REALLY SHOULD TALK TO HIM.

(sighs) I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY.

BREE, HE'S 26.

HE WAS BORN BEFORE YOU AND REX WERE MARRIED.

FIDELITY IS NOT THE ISSUE. REX HAD A SECRET LIFE.

FINE. BE MAD AT REX, NOT AT THAT YOUNG MAN.

HE'S INNOCENT. HE SHOWED UP TO WORK FOR ME

AND DIDN'T TELL ME THAT HE WAS MY DEAD HUSBAND'S SON.

(sighs) WHAT DOES HE WANT?

WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.

YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO EXPLAIN.

YOU HAVE TWO MINUTES.

MY MOTHER AND FATHER MET AT A BAR.

HE WAS SINGLE, SO WAS SHE.

THEY HAD ONE NIGHT TOGETHER, AND THEN HE WENT AWAY.

WHEN SHE FOUND OUT SHE WAS PREGNANT, SHE CALLED HIM.

HE HAD JUST MET YOU AND SAID HE WAS IN LOVE.

HE OFFERED TO SUPPORT HER FINANCIALLY,

BUT MY MOM, WHO WAS VERY PROUD,

TURNED HIM DOWN.

BUT HE DID VISIT YOU.

A FEW TIMES,

BUT MY MOM ASKED HIM TO STOP BECAUSE IT WAS TOO HARD ON ME.

AND DID YOU EVER SEE HIM AGAIN?

YES.

FROM RIGHT HERE.

I USED TO RIDE MY BIKE OVER.

I'D WATCH YOU AND ANDREW AND DANIELLE.

I WANTED TO UNDERSTAND

WHY MY FATHER WOULD CHOOSE ALL OF YOU OVER ME...

AND I DID.

YOU WERE ALL SO PERFECT.

(chuckles)

OH.

MY MOM DIED SIX MONTHS AGO,

AND THAT'S WHEN I DECIDED I NEEDED TO MEET YOU.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME WHO YOU WERE?

BECAUSE I WANTED YOU TO LIKE ME...

(whispers) AND I WASN'T SURE YOU WOULD.

YOU LOOK COLD.

WHY DON'T YOU COME INTO THE HOUSE,

AND I'LL MAKE YOU SOME HOT CHOCOLATE, AND WE CAN TALK?

OH!

HEY!

YOU KNOW, NOT TO PUT ANY PRESSURE ON YOU,

BUT I CAUGHT THE BOUQUET.

(chuckles nervously)

OH.

UM...

DO WE NEED TO TALK?

WE HAVEN'T SINCE... IT HAPPENED. (chuckles)

FIRST OF ALL,

YOU ARE A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL PERSON.

OH.

YOWZA.

I WAS DRUNK.

I-I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING UNTIL I WAS DOING IT,

AND THEN, WELL...

THE OTHER NIGHT WAS A MISTAKE,

AND I'M SO SORRY.

(sighs) THAT IS...

COMPLETE CRAP.

WHAT?

I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU BLAME WHAT HAPPENED ON BEING DRUNK.

OKAY, THEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH RECENTLY.

AND MAYBE I WAS...

TRYING TO FORGET THAT WITH YOU?

BUT I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO WOMEN.

SO NO MATTER WHAT IT WAS,

IT DOESN'T COUNT.

WELL...

I KNOW HOW YOU TOUCHED ME,

AND I...

I SAW THE LOOK IN YOUR EYES WHEN I TOUCHED YOU.

YOU MAY DENY IT NOW,

BUT WE CONNECTED...

AND IT COUNTED.

OKAY.

IT COUNTED.

THANK YOU.

HEY, YOU WANT AN EXTRA PILLOW?

THERE'S EMPTY SEATS IN THE BACK.

I'M JUST GONNA GO SLEEP THERE.

AHEM. YOU OKAY?

YEAH. I'M JUST TIRED.

WELL, YOU MAY HAVE PICKED UP ON THIS TRIP

THAT I HAVEN'T ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD PERSON.

AND I'M GONNA WORK ON THAT,

STARTING WITH YOU.

OH. DID DANNY SAY THERE WERE SEATS IN THE BACK?

NO, NO, NO. COME ON. COME ON. I'M SERIOUS. I'M SERIOUS.

LOOK, I KNOW YOU HAVE A SECRET.

CARLOS AND I OVERHEARD YOU AND NICK FIGHTING...

(whispers) SOMETHING ABOUT BLOWING YOUR COVER.

(normal voice) DON'T WORRY. I DIDN'T TELL ANYBODY. I JUST...

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT...

I'VE CARRIED AROUND A LOT OF SECRETS,

AND I KNOW HOW LONELY IT CAN FEEL.

SO IF YOU EVER NEED A FRIEND...

(sighs deeply)

OKAY.

WHEN I WAS 18, I WANTED TO SAVE THE PLANET.

I ORGANIZED PROTESTS

AGAINST LOGGING COMPANIES, BIG OIL, AUTO PLANTS.

BUT THEN I GOT INVOLVED WITH A BAD GUY...

A REALLY BAD GUY.

HE CONVINCED ME THAT WE HAD TO GET MORE AGGRESSIVE.

LONG STORY SHORT...

SOMEONE GOT KILLED.

SO... THIS BAD GUY--

YOU'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT NICK, ARE YOU?

NO. HE'S THE ONE WHO HELPED ME RUN AWAY FROM THE PSYCHO.

SO WHO'S THE PSYCHO?

DANNY'S FATHER.

IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY TO SEE SOMEONE'S TRUE COLORS.

SOMETIMES YOU MUST LOOK BENEATH THE MASCULINE VENEER

TO FIND THAT FRAGILE EGO.

YOU MUST IGNORE THE SPARKLE OF THE JEWEL

TO KNOW YOU'RE LOOKING AT A FAKE.

YOU MUST BRING THE TRUTH OUT OF THE SHADOWS

TO SEE THE BEAUTY OF ITS SMILE.

YES, PEOPLE HIDE THEIR TRUE NATURE FROM US EVERY DAY,

AND SADLY, WE ONLY FIND OUT WHEN IT'S TOO LATE.

UH, MR. LOGAN? IT'S IRIS BECKLEY.

OH, I LIVE, UH, NEXT TO ROSE DE LUCA.

Y-YOU TOLD ME, UH, TO GIVE YOU A RING

IF I EVER SAW ROSE'S DAUGHTER.

(chuckles) NO. NO, NO, NO.

NO, I'LL--I'LL TELL YOU WHERE SHE LIVES

WHEN I GET MY $1,000.