All language subtitles for W1A - 02x04 - Series 2, Episode 4.TLA (HDTV + 720p).English.C.updated.Addic7ed.com

'Stand by, two. Mix through
and cue on two.'

'The BBC has announced
the appointment

'of ex-head of Olympic
Delivery Ian Fletcher

'as its new Head of Values.'

'Time now for the shipping forecast.'

'Superimposed.'

A new morning at New
Broadcasting House...

.. but for the BBC's Head
of Values, Ian Fletcher,

this isn't just any old new morning.

Today is a whole different bike.

Morning, Will.

~ Oh, hey. Yeah, cool.
~ How are you?

Yeah, I'm good, yeah.

In nice and early again.

~ Yeah, no worries, yeah. Izzy's not in yet.
~ Right.

~ I don't know where she is.
~ No.

~ Did you manage...?
~ Whoa.
~ Did...?
~ New bike.

~ Er, what? Yes, yes.
~ Cool.

~ Yeah, no, I thought it was...
~ That's like the titanium one.

~ Er, yes, it is actually, yes.
~ Whoa.

~ No, I just thought it was time to...
~ Can I hold it?

Er, well, yes, if you want to.

Whoa, that's just, like, mental.

~ Yeah, it's good, isn't it? Yes, so anyway...
~ Yeah.

Did you manage to book Frankie Howerd
for this afternoon in the end?

Yeah, no, that's... Say again?

Cos I have to say, I
just gave up eventually.

Yeah, no, crap. Yeah, I booked
it on SyncopatiSpace.

What?

The BBC has recently introduced
a fully-integrated, cloud-based

room booking system in its public
commitment to make the technology in

Broadcasting House more intelligent
than the people who work there.

Yeah, so, in the end, what
I did was I had to, like,

re-set all my Omnisync permissions.

Well, I mean, I don't
understand that,

~ but if it works, that's great. Well done.
~ Yeah, no worries.

~ Yeah, cool.
~ OK. Well...
~ Cool.

Can I have my bike back now?

~ Yeah, cool, yeah.
~ I mean, if you've finished with it.

~ Yeah, no worries, yeah, cool.
~ Great.

Actually, Will.

Yeah, hi.

This may not... It might not
be of any interest to you,

~ but the other bike, my old one...
~ Yeah.

~ I mean it's just sitting there
in the spare room doing nothing now.
~ Cool.

I mean, if you wanted to borrow it.
You know, use it for a while...

You know, just see how
you get on with it.

I could bring it in one
morning and leave it here?

OK, cool.

Meanwhile, it's already the afternoon

and Ian is on his way to chair a
meeting of the Way Ahead Task Force.

~ Hi.
~ Yes, hi, yes.

~ You all set for this?
~ Yes, no. I don't know. I hope so.

You'll be fine.

Today he's asked newly-created
Head of Inclusivity,

Lucy Freeman, along to give to them

a heads-up on the important issue
of BBC inclusivity targets.

I didn't actually sleep
brilliantly last night.

~ Oh, just remember, nobody knows anything.
~ Yes. Right.

~ That's true just generally, but
it's particularly true in this case.
~ Right.

In the meantime, the Way
Ahead Task Force itself

is gathering outside Frankie Howerd.

.. and really by the morning the last
of that cloud blowing itself off

into the North Sea, where
nobody can see it,

and, certainly by lunchtime,
most of us should find ourselves

outside enjoying a really rather
pleasant day for the time of year.

~ Az.
~ Great. Thanks very much, Sadiq.

I knew we'd be able to count on
you for some good news at least.

Well, I do my best, Az. Although really
it's not me, it's the weather.

And you can find more of that
on the website, of course.

Thanks, Sadiq. That's great. Well,
that's just about it for us.

We'll be back again after the...

I'm not being funny or anything,
but did he actually just say

the cloud was going to
be blowing itself off?

~ Don't know. Wasn't listening.
Wouldn't surprise me.
~ Crazy beard.

Yes, no, very good.

I mean, we love beards. Cool guy.

~ Hi.
~ Hurrah!

~ What's happening?
~ We can't get in, sir.
We don't know what to do.

~ Oh, of course, sorry. I've
asked Lucy to join us for this.
~ Yes.
~ Hurrah!
~ Hi.

No, brilliant, brilliant, Lucy.

Yes.

OK, so what's...?

One of the most intelligent
qualities of the new

SyncopatiSpace booking system is
that, as a fail-safe to prevent

anything going wrong, the door
to any meeting room opens

automatically as soon as the person
who's booked it comes within range

with their pass, whereas,
if they haven't, it doesn't.

Right, OK. Where's Will?

Why does everything got to be so
bloody intelligent all the time?

~ Intelligent?
~ Not Will, obviously.

Gah, no. Bad luck.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the building,

Izzy Gould is at a different
level altogether.

Oh. Hi, David.

Oh, hi there, lovely Izzy.
So this is where you are now?

~ Yes.
~ Look at you on the seventh floor.

Yes, no, it's just useful to be a
bit nearer Matt Taverner, just so...

Oh, no, Always. Tell me about it.

Having recently applied for
a new post in Development,

she's now in an environment where
you can never predict where the next

challenge will come from or in
exactly what shape it will arrive.

Oh, you look great. I don't
know where you got that skirt.

What, this? No, this is just...

Yes, no, cos I'm actually having
a meeting with Matt on Thursday.

Oh, right. Are you?

Newly-promoted David Wilkes has
got a meeting with newly-promoted

Matt Taverner to bring him
up to speed with progress

on the nearly-developed
project One Big Family.

He's asked for a series treatment.

Yeah, I think he just wants to know
how it's going to work, basically.

~ Right.
~ You know, like, who'll be in it and stuff.

~ That's all.
~ OK. But so...
~ It's good up here, isn't it?
~ Yes, it is.

~ But this... I mean, it's three paragraphs.
~ I know.

And can I just say? Do not
be confined by what's there.

~ Well, no, that's... Confined?
~ Just think of it as a blank page.

I mean, it practically
is a blank page.

~ I know. I mean, it's
exciting this, isn't it?
~ Well... Yes.

~ Do you know what? I'm excited
and I'm not even doing it.
~ No.

This is a really complex area to
talk about in just in a few minutes,

obviously, so I was
thinking perhaps BAME

and LGBT would be two areas it
might be good to focus on here.

~ Right, yes.
~ Hurrah!

Eventually, there's a lucky
break for the Way Ahead Team.

It turns out that the shared
innovation space on the fourth floor

is free this afternoon
as it just so happens

there isn't any sharing or
innovation taking place today.

Lucy, just to check everybody's
OK with BAME and LGBT?

~ Yes, exactly.
~ No, sure.

~ Brilliant.
~ Uh-huh.
~ Yup.
~ Yes.

~ More or less. I think so, Ian, yes.
~ No, I'm totally good with that.

The world of inclusivity
is a world full of acronyms

and both BAME, which stands for
black, Asian and minority ethnic,

and LGBT, which stands for
something else altogether,

are almost perfect examples
of how they can work.

Can I just check, Lucy? Not
being funny or anything

but with LGBT, is it
transvestite or...?

~ No, transgender.
~ Right, yes.

~ Transgender, yes.
~ I knew it was one of them.

~ Yes.
~ I can tell the difference
in real life, obviously.
~ Right.

~ I don't mind saying I'm normally
pretty good at that.
~ OK. Good.

The fact is this is an area
where we need to be better.

Well, of course, Anna, yes.
Although, I have to say,

inclusivity is an area where we have
actually made some real progress.

~ Cool.
~ Have we?
~ Yes.
~ You so have.

You've got the dude with the crazy
beard doing the weather for a start.

Well, hang on, it's
not a crazy beard.

~ It's like, "Hey, guys, suck on that!"
~ Brilliant.

I mean, Lucy, would it be worth
thinking about trying to put

some numbers on our
aspirations in those areas?

I mean, if you look at
the research on this.

I've got figures here.
I don't know...

With just over a year now until
the BBC's Royal Charter is due

either for renewal or some other
thing, Lucy's first big task

in her new post has been
to look at ways of setting

new BBC inclusivity targets that are
more challenging than the old ones.

Cos there is an argument - if you
look at the proportion of BAME

and LGBT people out there in
the wider population, and then

~ use those as the basis for your targets...
~ Yes, right.
~ Brilliant.

.. so what you're committing to is

the idea of a fair reflection
of society as it actually is.

Hang on. I'm sorry, Lucy. Sorry, Ian.
I might be being a bit stupid here,

~ but how's this going to work?
~ How will it work?

Well, yeah, because if you add the
proportion of Asian or Asian British,

black or black British, and
mixed multiple together,

er, then you get what 11.9,
say 12%, Lucy, right?

Er, that's... Yes, that's the
current BAME figure, yes.

~ Cool.
~ So I've just done a quick back
of the fag packet thing here

and, according to this,
in news, I'd have to sack

four black, Asian, or mixed multiple
presenters straight away.

~ No.
~ And, sorry, but with the
greatest respect to everyone,

I'm not going to bloody do that.

~ No, that's not actually how it works.
~ No, no.
~ No.

In that case, you'd be ahead of the
target already, which is great,

~ so you wouldn't actually
have to do anything.
~ Right. OK.

~ Hurrah!
~ No, no, the point here, Neil,
surely is we're committed

to driving up the - let's face it -
woefully small BAME and LGBT figures

out there in the real population
wherever we possibly can.

~ What?
~ Uh, well...
~ Are we?
~ Yes, exactly, yes.

~ Cool.
~ I think that's a different...
~ Out there in the real world?

~ Oh, no. Hang on...
~ We love BAME.

~ Yes, no, wait a minute.
~ The fact is this is about being better.

~ Hang on, this has got to be right.
~ Now we're driving things up.

~ I thought we were reflecting things.
~ Brilliant.

~ Hang on...
~ Yes, cos I'm not being
funny or anything, guys,

but in the last five years,
in the press office,

I don't think we've had
any lesbians at all.

~ Right. Well, that's...
~ Bummer.

Meanwhile, Will is up
on the seventh floor.

In his relatively new role as
personal assistant, he's still

getting used to where everything
is in New Broadcasting House.

Hi!

~ Oh, hi.
~ How are you?
~ Yeah, I'm OK, yeah. busy.

~ Yeah, it's tough at the top, isn't it?
~ Yes, it is.

~ Yeah. Is anyone here?
~ Nope.

~ Right.
~ There was some guy, but he left.

~ Well, that's his mistake. Can I?
~ Yeah, sure. If you...

Was in the inspiration zone.
Didn't work - haven't had any.

~ I am working, though.
~ Sure.
~ As long as...
~ That's cool.

~ I'm just going to sit here and look at you.
~ Right. What?

I wish.

I've got so much stuff to do.

~ Yeah. Me too.
~ Yeah!

Overall, then, if you're
wanting to get out

and about over the weekend, it looks
like Saturday's the day for that.

Sunday perhaps more of a case of
curling your toes up on the sofa

with a good book and perhaps
your favourite mug of coffee.

~ Az.
~ Thanks very much, Sadiq. I
think I'll be taking your advice

and joining you on the sofa
with that book on Sunday.

Yes, no, well, excellent.

More on all that on the
website, of course.

'Lovely. Sadiq, thanks. Well,
that's just about it for us...'

Yes, OK. Thank you, Siobhan.
I think we've...

~ Yes, no, terribly good, isn't he?
~ I'm just saying...
~ Let's not...

I mean, he's so babe, it's
practically coming out of his ears.

By early evening, it's two
hours later, but in the shared

innovation space, the Way Ahead Task
Force is still searching for the way

ahead in its mission to set some new
and better BBC inclusivity targets.

~ I mean, just thinking
laterally for a moment...
~ Yes, very good.

~ Oh, right. OK.
~ .. is it worth coming at this
thing the other way round?

Ian is particularly keen to resolve
this by the end of the meeting,

because, as BBC Head of Values, he's
been invited to speak at a meeting

of the Cross Parliamentary Cultural
Inclusion Action Watch Dog Group

at the Palace of Westminster
in ten days' time.

I mean, is there a way of committing
to the idea of reducing the number

of non-BAME and LGBT people
by a percentage figure?

~ Brilliant.
~ So, gradually over time, you'd
increase the proportion of...

Hang on. Now we're sacking
white guys as well?

~ Well...
~ At this rate, there'll
be nobody bloody left.
~ Bummer.

I know this is difficult, but
can I just remind everybody

~ what a serious undertaking this is?
~ OK, OK, OK.

So, guys, here's the thing with this.

We've been going for, like,
three hours here, right?

~ We're nailing jelly to the hothouse wall.
~ What?

What you do here is you viralise
the weather dude with the beard -

suddenly it's like none of
this other shit matters.

~ Right, no.
~ Viralise him?
~ Brilliant.

I think we've had enough
about him already, Siobhan.

You so have not had enough about
him already. It's a no-brainer.

He's your only hope here.

I'm sorry, Siobhan. It's a
BBC London weather forecaster

you're talking about here.
He's not Martin Luther King.

I think that's probably
a bit melodramatic.

It totally is mega-dramatic. That's
what we're looking for here, right?

~ Well, no...
~ Cos otherwise, I'm telling you,

with shit like inclusivity
you open your mouth

at this Crossed Parliamentary
Action Dog whatever,

you pretty much bought a one-way
ticket to Yawnsville right there.

~ Brilliant.
~ I mean, am I right or am I right?

~ Well, that's...
~ I'm right, OK?

~ No, very good.
~ Yes, no, very strong.

Another week and personal
assistant Will Humphries is

arriving for work early as usual.

~ Another busy day of assisting ahead of him.
~ Ah, yes. Will Humphries.

Oh, yeah. Hey, yeah,
no worries, yeah, cool.

Yes, very good. Obviously
going places.

~ What? Yeah, no, I've just arrived.
~ So you've finally joined the club.

~ Yeah, no, this is, like, Ian Fetcher's bike?
~ Oh, right.

Yeah, I didn't take
it. He said I could.

No, brilliant, Will, brilliant.

~ Yeah, cos he's got like
this titanium one now?
~ Right.

~ Yeah, I know, mental.
~ Brilliant.

~ It's pretty cool.
~ Yes, no, jolly good.

People think you just stand there
and wave your arms about.

~ Right.
~ I've heard people say it must be fun.
~ Really?

Meanwhile, BBC London weather
forecaster Sadiq Iqbal has

come to see Lucy in her role
as Head of Inclusivity.

So, I mean, yes, you've
got satellites,

computer modelling,
whatever, all of that,

~ you've got the whole of the
Met Office resources behind you.
~ Yes.

But in the end, it's about
you and the weather.

~ You have to confront that every
day. That's never going to change.
~ No.

As a serious forecaster committed
to the idea of serious weather,

he's not happy about
having been viralised

or about his
rapidly-growing cult status,

even though the BBC now
has plans to promote him

to the national weather
forecast as a result.

I was on the Tube yesterday. I saw
this girl, my face on her T-shirt -

~ "Today will be brighter than yesterday."
~ Right.

When she turned round, on the
back - "Hashtag beardy weather."

Yes, no, that's not... That's
really... I mean, one thing to say.

It is in fact a separate PR
company that's responsible

~ for Brand BBC, but...
~ Then this morning, on YouTube.

.. I think I'll take your advice

and j-joining you on the sofa
with that boo-ook on Sunday.

~ Yes, yes, yes
~ J-Joining you on the sofa
~ Yes!

~ J-Joining you on the sofa
~ Yes!

Joining you on the sofa
L-L-Lovely Sadiq, l-l-love

Curling your toes up
Curling your toes up

~ We-we-we-we!
~ Curling your toes up on the sofa

~ J-Joining you on the sofa with that book.
~ Yes, yes, yes.

210,000 hits so far.

~ Yes. Really, that's... Yes.
~ This is not just about me.

Well, no, it's about a whole...
I mean, it's about anyone who..

~ With anyone who's ever...
~ There are two of us in that studio.

~ Right.
~ What we do isn't easy.
~ No, of course.

We're both professionals,
but Azia is a serious woman.

Well, yes, absolutely.

What people don't know about her,
underneath all the hair, she studied

~ Asian and Middle Eastern
studies at Cambridge...
~ Right.
~ .. combining it

~ with a modern European language,
in this case French.
~ Really?
~ Yes.

We might make it look easy,
I certainly try to anyway...

~ Yes, no, you do. I mean, not easy, but...
~ But it's not.

~ No.
~ Actually, it's a very delicate thing.
~ Yes. ~ Yes.
~ Right.

Meanwhile, Ian has been working
late drafting his speech

for the Cross Parliamentary Cultural
Inclusion Action Watchdog,

or so called C-P-C-I-A-W-D-G
Group, at Westminster next week.

~ Ah. Hi, Anna.
~ Yes, exactly, yes.
~ Are you...? I'm just on my way out.

~ Yes.
~ Right.

Yes, exactly, yes.

I've been thinking about your thing.

~ Ye... My what?
~ The C-P-C-I...
~ Oh, right. Yes, well, me too.

~ This is exactly the sort of occasion
where we should be talking about better.
~ Talking about better?

~ Exactly, yes.
~ Right.
~ The fact of the matter is the whole idea

~ of setting ourselves
targets for inclusivity...
~ Right.

~ The fact is this is all about betterness.
~ Betterness.
~ Exactly.

You want me to say
something about it...?

~ I've asked Jack to e-mail you something.
~ Right.
~ A paragraph.

~ I thought you might want
to look at it first.
~ Yes, well, that's very...

~ Thank you, Anna. I will.
~ Yes.

Also, I think I should come with you.

~ Come with me?
~ To the thing, yes.
~ Right.

~ OK.
~ If you're talking about better,
the fact is I should be there.

So they can see what
better looks like?

That's not... Here are the lifts.

Just so you know, I've asked
Lucy Freeman to come along too.

You've asked Lucy Freeman?

~ Yes, cos inclusivity's
such a part of this whole...
~ Yes.

~ I just thought it'd be
good for her to actually...
~ Yes.

~ You know, just to...
~ Yes.
~ Yes.
~ Yes.

'Ground floor.'

~ Morning, Will.
~ Oh, yeah. Hey, yeah, cool.

A different morning in New
Broadcasting House as both

the Head of Values and the
personal assistant to the

Head of Values find themselves arriving
almost literally in tandem.

Morning.

~ Ah, morning, Simon.
~ Oh, yeah. Hey, yeah, hi.

Ah, yes, we three.

But it turns out they're not the
only ones who are going places.

~ So is that like the carbon fibre one?
~ What?

Oh, yes, the carbon fibre, yes.

~ Whoa.
~ Right.
~ I mean, they do it deliberately.

Every time you go in there, suddenly
your old bike's out of date.

~ Carbon fibre?
~ Yeah, they make, like,
stealth bombers out of it.

~ Oh, it's just a gimmick, really.
~ Stealth bombers?

Yeah, like, they're so light,
you can't actually see them?

Bloody annoying, I tell you.
I only went in to buy a pump.

Upstairs, newly-promoted Izzy
Gould is already in early,

preparing herself for
further development.

~ Will, hi.
~ Oh, yeah. Hey, yeah.

~ How long have you been there?
~ What? I don't know.
~ You OK?

~ Yeah, I'm good, yeah.
~ I'm just going back to my desk.
~ Cool.

~ Quite a lot on today.
~ Yeah, no worries, yeah. I just came up here.

~ Right. Well...
~ Yeah, cos I've had, like, an idea.
~ You've had an idea?

Yeah, I know, yeah, mental, yeah.

What do you mean an idea?
What kind of idea?

~ Yeah, cos you know you're, like, developing?
~ Ah, right. OK.

~ Yes, so what I...
~ Will, I'm really sorry,
I'm so busy at the moment.

OK, cool, yeah. No
worries, yeah, cool.

~ Maybe when I've got time...
~ Yeah, no, cool. Crap!

~ Or put it in an e-mail.
~ Yeah!
~ Cos then I can get back to you.
~ Cool.

~ Thanks, Will. Better get back.
~ Yeah, OK, yeah. No worries, yeah, cool.

~ Actually, sorry.
~ Yeah?

~ That wasn't very...
~ No, that's cool, yeah. I don't mind.

It's OK. I can drink my
coffee. Tell me your idea.

OK, cool, yeah. Yeah cos, like, my
sister, like, knows Boris Johnson?

~ Right. Does she really?
~ Yeah, I know.
~ OK.

Yeah, so it's like - On Your Bike.

~ On Your Bike?
~ Yeah, like, you ride round
London with Boris Johnson.

~ Like, he talks and rides at the same time.
~ Right.

~ Yeah, cos someone's riding next
to him. I don't know who that is.
~ OK.

Yeah, then, next week,
it's not Boris Johnson,

it's someone else with a
bike, riding somewhere else,

like round where they live,
and talking about that.

Yeah, cos it's like you'd
have, like, different bikes.

~ I mean, that's great, isn't it?
~ Yes, uh...

Nice plug for Sadiq's promotion to
the national forecast, so that's...

But if you look at what she actually
said, it's not... It's much more...

Meanwhile, on the night of Ian's
big inclusivity presentation,

the Evening Standard has asked BBC
London News presenter Azia Zamani

about her views on the new
beardy weather phenomenon.

"I'm not sure I'm really
a beard woman,

"but I think it's fantastic
what's happening to Sadiq

"and of course I wish him well with
whatever he does in the future."

~ I mean, that's OK, isn't
it? That's all good.
~ Yes, it's just the headline

~ that's just a bit... "Azia
- I'm not a beard woman."
~ Right.

~ I mean, it's... Surely, that's
just a bit of, you know...
~ Yes.

~ .. bit of harmless fun.
~ Yes, no, it's not a religion thing.

~ It's about Sadiq. I mean, Sadiq and Azia.
~ Sadiq and Azia?

~ Yes.
~ What do you mean, "Sadiq and Azia"?

~ Anna.
~ Yes, exactly.
~ Hi, Anna.
~ Exactly, yes.

~ Can I...?
~ The fact is I need to know when
you'll be there this evening.

Er, well, yes, it's
6:30 for 7, isn't it?

I wouldn't mind getting there
a bit earlier myself,

~ just to make sure everything's...
~ Yes, exactly. I've booked a car.

~ Right. OK. Well, that's...
~ I said 6. Jack can move it earlier.

~ Lucy, how were you thinking of...?
~ No, no. That's fine.

~ Yes.
~ Well...
~ I've got an Oyster card.
I'll go on the Tube.

~ Yes.
~ That seems a bit...
~ No, really.

It's probably better for you and
Anna to go together, if you want...

~ Yes. ~ Well, if...
~ Yes, exactly, yes. ~ Yes.
~ Right. ~ Yes.

So you'd have, like,
a regular presenter...

~ Cool.
~ .. someone mad on cycling.
~ Yeah, I don't know.

Cos what this is, it'd be
like a chat show on a bike.

Whoa, cool. That is such a cool idea.

~ Well, it's yours.
~ Yeah, I know. What?
~ It's your idea.

~ Whoa, that's... That's just, like, mental.
~ Yes, I know.

Meanwhile, Izzy is taking Will

through the full enormity of
the idea he's apparently had.

~ One week, someone like Bradley Wiggins, say.
~ Cool!

Who's obviously an amazing
cyclist, but, next week,

~ someone completely different, not...
~ Not Bradley Wiggins.

They just really like cycling. Like
I thought maybe Tracey Emin...

~ Cool. I don't know who that is.
~ .. cycling around Margate.

~ Cool, yeah. Why not?
~ Or have someone like Gilbert
and George on a tandem.

~ Cool, yeah, I don't know who that is either.
~ Well, they're...

~ Actually, it doesn't matter.
~ Cool, yeah. Doesn't matter. Cool.

~ Will, I can't tell you... You're
an absolute genius. I love you!
~ Yeah.

Yeah, hey, yeah. Yeah, hi.

Oh, right, OK.

~ What?
~ Right.
~ Yeah, I don't know.

~ This thing will be over by 9:30.
~ Yes.
~ Yes.

Or 10 o'clock at the latest
anyway, I should think.

Yes, exactly, yes. Good.

Why, do you need to be somewhere?

~ No, I don't.
~ Right.
~ Why?
~ What?

~ Do you?
~ Do I what?
~ Do you need to be somewhere?

~ Me?
~ Yes.
~ Well, no. I mean...
~ No.

~ I mean, not really, no.
~ Yes, exactly, yes. Good.

But what I would say is not only
that we're committed to the idea

of committing to firm and binding
BAME and LGBT targets

wherever we can possibly
find them going forward,

but also, we're going to commit - and
we're absolutely committed to this -

we're going to commit to
exceeding those targets

by a minimum of 10% across the board
as soon as we know what they are.

By 7:15, Ian has hit his
stride in his presentation

to the Cross Parliamentary Cultural Inclusion
Action Watch Dog Group at Westminster.

But I think it also helps to look at

more personal stories that...

.. can sometimes tell us more
about where we are at the BBC

~ and by extension I would...
~ But at the same time, Lucy has got a call

from Tracey Pritchard back
at New Broadcasting House

and, as is often the case with
calls from Tracey Pritchard,

~ it's not good news.
~ .. and to do that,

I'm afraid I'm going to have to
talk to you about the weather.

Yes?.. Yes... Yes, no,
I know. I'm doing it now.

I was on my way out. I got a call from
Neil to say he hasn't turned up,

so I looked on Twitter
at his account...

Breakthrough BBC weather forecaster
Sadiq Iqbal has gone missing

and posted a worrying message
on Twitter about his beard.

Right. Bloody hell.

It's a journey that has taken him

all the way to the BBC One national
forecast for the first time tonight -

10:35, incidentally, in case
anyone's interested in watching.

So, of course, I know there'll
be periods of unsettled weather -

we expect that and, in the
BBC, we come dressed for that,

but overall, I'd like to suggest
that, with a lot of hard work

and commitment from us, and with
continued support from you,

the outlook for the BBC could
and should be mostly bright,

maybe even with the occasional
sunny not to say Sunni spell.

Thank you.

~ Well, I thought that went OK, didn't it?
~ Yes, er...
~ Yes, good.

~ Better than expected.
~ Yes, exactly. So we're done.

What?

Yes, what?

~ Oh, my God. That's terrible, Tracey.
~ Yes.
~ And he's just shaved it off?

We've Tomasz Schafernaker coming
on his motorbike just in case.

Oh, yes, right. Lovely Tomasz.

If you're BBC Senior Communications
Officer, the possibility that

the BBC's most
culturally-inclusive weather forecaster

may have shaved his beard off

on the night of his promotion
to the national forecast

is potentially a nightmare scenario,
and not in a good way.

~ I don't want to be negative, but I have
actually got a very bad feeling about this.
~ I know, it's a nightmare.

Anyway, look, Tracey, I'm actually
on my way off to a Rufus Wain...

~ That's him.
~ What?
~ I'm sure. Isn't it?
~ I don't know. It might be.

~ It's hard to tell.
~ OK. Well, don't stand there.
~ What? No, no, no.

That guy is not going anywhere
near that weather map

~ until we know exactly what
we're dealing with here.
~ Oh, my God!

~ Siobhan, hi.
~ 'OK, so I'm on it, OK?
I'm totally on it, OK?'

What do you mean you're
on it? Where are you?

OK, that guy goes on there tonight
without some kind of beard,

you are looking at a weapons-grade
shit storm here, OK?

Yeah, I know, but... Wait! What
do you mean some kind of beard?

'If he doesn't appear now,'

after everything we've done
with hashtag beardy weather,

you are totally going
to crash the internet.

OK, wherever you are, whatever
you're doing, I order you to stop.

OK, what you've got to know here is
I'm super good at this kind of shit.

'Exactly, yes. That's why I'm
ordering you not to do it.'

~ We're in extremely delicate territory here.
~ 'Sure.'

This isn't any old beard
we're talking about.

Nu-uh, hashtag beardy weather, duh.

There's somewhere around
1.6 billion people worldwide

we're in real danger of offending
if we get this wrong.

The BBC may have many faults, but
one thing we are absolutely -

and I can't emphasise this... Hello?

Right, OK, fuck. Can
we step on it, please?

~ I'm already stepping on it.
~ I don't care. Well, step on something else.

Back at New Broadcasting House,

David Wilkes has managed to track
troubled weather forecaster

Sadiq Iqbal down to the
BBC Weather Office.

His mission for the moment
is to keep him there

until they can establish for certain

exactly how beardy tonight's
weather is going to be.

Basically what it is, Sadiq,
is it's prime time

Saturday night family viewing, with
a bit of The One Show thrown in

just in case, obviously,
and what we were thinking...

No. I'm sorry, Siobhan, we have got
this thing perfectly under control.

Meanwhile, back up in reception,

Siobhan Sharpe has
arrived with a plan

and, with The Ten O'Clock News
now just half an hour away,

~ things are rapidly coming
to some sort of head.
~ No!

Jesus Christ, it's fucking orange!

So we can dye it,
OK? It's television.

~ Hi! ~ Hello, Ian.
~ How's it going? ~ Fine.
~ Yeah. Welcome to Apocalypse Now.

By managing to get Sadiq
into a holding position,

they've bought themselves some time.

But the worry now is that they
may have already used it.

~ First of all, everybody
just needs to keep calm, OK?
~ Yes, good.

~ I am actually calm.
~ Calm? You're bloody joking.

~ Yes. Could she shut up?
~ Well, first of all,

what is the situation
with the actual beard?

OK. So with the beard, in my opinion,

we are in a very bad place with this.

Yes, but has he actually
got one or not?

So, at the moment, we are still
awaiting confirmation on that.

What do you mean awaiting confirmation?

~ It's either there or it's not.
~ Exactly, Ian, yes.

We have issues around the
hat and scarf obviously,

but underneath that, those are the
two options we are looking at here.

And, not only that, but with
the weather apparently,

there is actually a complex low coming
in off the Atlantic tonight,

~ which is the last thing we need.
~ Well, let's not get...

I'm not being funny or anything, but
this is actually a perfect storm.

~ Can I just... Have you got a second?
~ What, now?

But, under pressure at the 11th
hour, Lucy has had a thought.

~ Hey, guys! ~ Hey!
~ Even better.
~ So I did the best I could. ~ Cool.

~ This one I thought was pretty close.
~ OK.

~ No!
~ Jesus Christ.
~ Er, this one I'm not so sure about.

~ OK, no, sure.
~ No, I don't want this.
~ Yeah, it's kind of more left-field.

Just remind me. Why
am I doing this again?

I can't quite remember now, and
we haven't got a lot of time,

~ but I know this is a very good thing.
~ Yes. I'm really sorry.

Despite her new role as Head
of Inclusivity, Lucy's idea

has nothing to do with either
targets or BBC charter renewal.

By the way, I love that hat.
Not everyone can carry that off.

No, I was wondering... Come in.

~ Hello, Sadiq.
~ Her thought is that it might
be somehow a good thing

if Sadiq were able to have a quiet
moment alone with Azia Zamani

at this point in the proceedings.

For some of those involved in
it, for better or for worse,

this is turning into a night that
they're not going to forget.

I mean, he's been just across
the studio from her every day.

~ Right.
~ But in reality, the truth is...
~ Yes.

~ You know.
~ It's a long way.
~ Yes.

Oh, I know, a nightmare.

~ I'm sorry.
~ No, no...

~ I feel like a bloody stupid 16-year-old.
~ No.

Bought all this stuff,
walking round for hours.

~ No, I'm sorry, Sadiq. Really.
~ I don't know what I was thinking of.

Of course I was never going to do it.

It's so great everything
that's happening to you.

I used to dream about the big map.

Everything's turning out fine.

~ You say that...
~ I mean it.
~ Have you seen the forecast?

~ There's a complex low coming
in off the Atlantic.
~ Huh.

It's going to be pretty
wild for a time

through south-western England, Wales
and parts of north west Scotland

~ as we go through tonight into tomorrow.
~ Really?

First time I've ever said that.

I love this. I so love my job.

Yeah, me too, yeah. Bloody great.

In the end, against all the odds,
after the BBC Ten O'Clock News,

it's time for the BBC Weather with
both Sadiq Iqbal and his beard.

I don't know about you, but I
think I could do with a drink.

~ Right.
~ I mean, if you've got time.

And you're going to find
yourself very wet...

~ I'm just talking about half
an hour, really, that's all.
~ Right, yes.

Cos I've got to get back for...

~ Hi.
~ Yes.
~ Anna.

~ Yes, exactly, hi.
~ You still here?

~ Yes, so the car's round in Hallam Street.
~ The car?

The kitchen closes at 10:30, but the
fact is I've told them to stay open.

~ Right.
~ Yes.

Right.