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[jazz music]
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00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:11,074
Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become
a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM
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00:00:21,341 --> 00:00:26,341
Subtitles by explosiveskull
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00:00:26,343 --> 00:00:29,413
♪ I know we've been down
This long road ♪
5
00:00:29,745 --> 00:00:31,511
[laughs]
6
00:00:31,513 --> 00:00:33,481
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
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00:00:33,483 --> 00:00:34,548
my name is Simon.
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My name's Simon.
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00:00:35,785 --> 00:00:36,788
My name's Simon.
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00:00:37,621 --> 00:00:39,622
Hey Tex, where you from,
Cincinnati?
11
00:00:39,624 --> 00:00:41,825
Hey Tex, where you from?
Cincinnati?
12
00:00:42,426 --> 00:00:44,626
How did the punk rocker
cross the street?
13
00:00:44,628 --> 00:00:46,530
He stapled a chicken
to his head.
14
00:00:46,764 --> 00:00:47,829
Hey, doc.
15
00:00:47,831 --> 00:00:49,897
I got this problem,
nobody pays attention to me.
16
00:00:49,899 --> 00:00:51,502
Next, please.
17
00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:54,302
Hey, doc. I got this problem,
18
00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:56,774
I can't make friends,
you big fat fucking slob.
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00:00:57,041 --> 00:00:58,306
Hey!
20
00:00:58,308 --> 00:00:59,677
Grasshopper walks into a bar.
21
00:01:00,845 --> 00:01:02,578
Bartender looks
at the grasshopper and says,
22
00:01:02,580 --> 00:01:04,513
"Hey, you know we got a drink
named after you?"
23
00:01:04,515 --> 00:01:05,714
Grasshopper says,
24
00:01:05,716 --> 00:01:07,552
"You got a drink
named Herman? Ho!"
25
00:01:09,454 --> 00:01:11,490
Hey Tex, where you from,
Cincinnati?
26
00:01:14,326 --> 00:01:17,527
So I walk into this bar,
and go to the bartender and say,
27
00:01:17,529 --> 00:01:19,899
"Hey, you wanna hear
a good Polish joke?"
28
00:01:20,731 --> 00:01:23,501
He goes... "I'm Polish.
29
00:01:23,901 --> 00:01:25,538
You see that guy
with the big neck?
30
00:01:26,004 --> 00:01:29,242
He's fucking Polish.
Still wanna tell that joke?"
31
00:01:29,741 --> 00:01:31,775
I said, "No." He goes,
"Why, you're scared?"
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00:01:31,777 --> 00:01:33,710
"No." "Then why don't you want
to tell the joke?"
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"I don't want
to explain it twice."
34
00:01:37,083 --> 00:01:38,082
- [clink]
- [Sal] Cheers.
35
00:01:38,084 --> 00:01:39,486
[Freddy] Salud.
36
00:01:44,390 --> 00:01:45,726
Whoa. [chuckles]
37
00:01:46,059 --> 00:01:48,796
I get a message.
"Sally wants to talk to you.
38
00:01:49,028 --> 00:01:50,662
Do you have time?"
39
00:01:50,664 --> 00:01:52,531
Do I have time? Come on,
I always have time for you.
40
00:01:52,533 --> 00:01:54,098
I need you to do me
a little favor,
41
00:01:54,100 --> 00:01:55,335
it's about Simon.
42
00:01:55,703 --> 00:01:57,438
It's a big night tonight.
43
00:01:57,704 --> 00:02:00,639
I'd love for you to give
Simon a chance.
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00:02:00,641 --> 00:02:02,543
Just this once. It's a big deal.
45
00:02:04,545 --> 00:02:05,612
[sighs] Sal.
46
00:02:05,846 --> 00:02:08,012
- Simon, the joke thief?
- I know, I know.
47
00:02:08,014 --> 00:02:09,715
Well, you know...
48
00:02:09,717 --> 00:02:11,716
There's people here who don't
exactly love him, you know?
49
00:02:11,718 --> 00:02:13,885
I care about the guy,
he's a good guy.
50
00:02:13,887 --> 00:02:15,822
But you're asking a lot.
51
00:02:15,824 --> 00:02:17,055
He tells a good joke.
52
00:02:17,057 --> 00:02:18,623
When he tells them,
they're funny.
53
00:02:18,625 --> 00:02:19,792
He's funny.
54
00:02:19,794 --> 00:02:21,026
He's a little funny worm,
isn't he?
55
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Yeah, and he steals
from the best.
56
00:02:24,966 --> 00:02:26,735
You want me to do
a favor for him?
57
00:02:27,034 --> 00:02:29,337
Or you want me to do
a favor for you?
58
00:02:29,636 --> 00:02:31,069
It's the same thing.
Look, I want...
59
00:02:31,071 --> 00:02:33,438
- Uh, uh, uh!
- It's the same thing.
60
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:34,740
I mean, I want him to be able
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00:02:34,742 --> 00:02:36,075
to prove to himself
that he can do it.
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00:02:36,077 --> 00:02:38,145
This is national.
This is going national!
63
00:02:38,147 --> 00:02:40,884
For me, is this a favor for you?
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00:02:41,517 --> 00:02:42,782
Yeah. It's a favor for me.
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00:02:42,784 --> 00:02:44,151
Then it's done.
Why do you even ask?
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00:02:44,153 --> 00:02:46,620
You know, for you,
I would do anything.
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00:02:46,622 --> 00:02:48,757
- Put him on.
- I love you, man.
68
00:02:56,832 --> 00:02:58,535
[ringing]
69
00:02:59,568 --> 00:03:00,838
[ringing]
70
00:03:02,539 --> 00:03:03,637
Yeah?
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00:03:03,639 --> 00:03:05,041
[Seb] Hey, Simon. Hi, it's Seb.
72
00:03:05,441 --> 00:03:07,141
Uh... You want something to eat?
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00:03:07,143 --> 00:03:08,379
[Simon] What do you mean?
74
00:03:09,380 --> 00:03:11,512
What are you, Jenny Craig,
you wanna feed me?
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00:03:11,514 --> 00:03:12,946
[laughs] No, no!
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00:03:12,948 --> 00:03:14,815
I got a really big
room service order
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with a really fine,
exquisite bottle of wine
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00:03:16,852 --> 00:03:18,486
going up, you want it?
79
00:03:18,488 --> 00:03:20,053
Yeah, I appreciate it.
Yeah, I'll look after you.
80
00:03:20,055 --> 00:03:21,855
You don't have
to pay for anything.
81
00:03:21,857 --> 00:03:24,628
Just look in the peephole
and it'll be covered.
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00:03:25,530 --> 00:03:27,062
Okay. Thanks.
83
00:03:27,064 --> 00:03:29,668
[Seb] No problem.
Bon appetit, enjoy yourself.
84
00:03:29,866 --> 00:03:30,802
Yep.
85
00:03:33,070 --> 00:03:36,674
Fucking guy!
Jenny Craig of all people.
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00:03:41,211 --> 00:03:43,114
[phone ringing]
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- Yes?
- Come on down, I need you here.
88
00:03:51,022 --> 00:03:52,088
I'm right here.
89
00:03:52,090 --> 00:03:53,557
Put the tray down,
get down here.
90
00:03:53,559 --> 00:03:55,093
I need you right now, okay?
91
00:03:55,693 --> 00:03:56,728
Okay.
92
00:03:57,162 --> 00:03:58,664
Kiss my ass.
93
00:04:00,998 --> 00:04:01,934
Another one.
94
00:04:03,001 --> 00:04:07,974
♪ I'd swim
Halfway across the sea ♪
95
00:04:08,873 --> 00:04:12,579
♪ Please notice me ♪
96
00:04:12,846 --> 00:04:16,983
♪ And maybe
There's something I can be ♪
97
00:04:18,050 --> 00:04:21,788
♪ The night is ticking by
So fast ♪
98
00:04:22,521 --> 00:04:26,627
♪ I don't think my courage
Is gonna last ♪
99
00:04:27,226 --> 00:04:31,164
♪ You don't know
If I'm dead or alive... ♪
100
00:04:31,865 --> 00:04:33,199
[William] Amy, honey.
101
00:04:33,899 --> 00:04:35,067
Is my brother in yet?
102
00:04:35,735 --> 00:04:37,872
[Amy] It's a little early
for your brother.
103
00:04:38,205 --> 00:04:39,671
You know, I love him,
104
00:04:39,673 --> 00:04:41,576
but you're way too soft
on your brother.
105
00:04:41,875 --> 00:04:44,813
If I'm gonna be soft on someone,
it's gonna be my brother.
106
00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,682
He's the only brother I got.
107
00:04:48,515 --> 00:04:49,484
And I love him.
108
00:04:49,816 --> 00:04:51,051
[Amy sighs]
109
00:04:53,020 --> 00:04:55,490
[funky jazz]
♪ Keep my head up ♪
110
00:04:55,755 --> 00:04:59,126
♪ Please notice me... ♪
111
00:04:59,693 --> 00:05:01,030
[phone ringing]
112
00:05:03,665 --> 00:05:05,031
Sí? I mean, yes?
113
00:05:05,033 --> 00:05:06,899
You know, on second thought,
don't bother.
114
00:05:06,901 --> 00:05:08,169
It's taken care of.
115
00:05:09,037 --> 00:05:10,638
You don't need me anymore?
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00:05:11,305 --> 00:05:12,207
Okay.
117
00:05:14,643 --> 00:05:16,742
♪ Please notice me... ♪
118
00:05:16,744 --> 00:05:17,745
Nice.
119
00:05:18,812 --> 00:05:22,584
♪ I'd swim
Halfway across the sea ♪
120
00:05:22,850 --> 00:05:25,120
Where's everything?
121
00:05:25,921 --> 00:05:27,890
- [phone ringing]
- [sighs]
122
00:05:29,325 --> 00:05:30,058
Hello?
123
00:05:30,993 --> 00:05:32,560
- Simon, is that you?
- [applause]
124
00:05:32,562 --> 00:05:33,794
Yeah.
125
00:05:33,796 --> 00:05:35,162
I'm here
at The Basement Comedy Club.
126
00:05:35,164 --> 00:05:37,330
- Yeah?
- And then they...
127
00:05:37,332 --> 00:05:40,200
They're going national tonight.
They want you to do a set.
128
00:05:40,202 --> 00:05:41,137
Tonight?
129
00:05:42,837 --> 00:05:45,007
I just made myself
something nice to eat.
130
00:05:46,175 --> 00:05:48,042
- What are they paying?
- Two hundred.
131
00:05:48,044 --> 00:05:50,213
- [cheers and applause]
- Two hundred bucks?
132
00:05:50,814 --> 00:05:52,146
Did I not say two hundred?
133
00:05:52,148 --> 00:05:54,886
- And how long is this set?
- Five minutes...
134
00:05:55,785 --> 00:05:56,821
What am I gonna wear?
135
00:05:57,087 --> 00:05:58,819
You know what you're gonna wear.
136
00:05:58,821 --> 00:06:00,891
- [laughter]
- Wear what you always wear.
137
00:06:07,797 --> 00:06:11,032
♪ I feel so tangled in my soul ♪
138
00:06:11,034 --> 00:06:12,767
- [Brian] Hey.
- Dad, you wanted me?
139
00:06:12,769 --> 00:06:14,139
[Brian] Come on, sit down.
140
00:06:15,940 --> 00:06:17,707
Listen, I want to talk to you.
141
00:06:17,709 --> 00:06:18,911
What did I do now?
142
00:06:20,745 --> 00:06:21,844
You did nothing.
143
00:06:21,846 --> 00:06:23,315
You know
you're a great salesman.
144
00:06:23,747 --> 00:06:25,113
Customers love you.
145
00:06:25,115 --> 00:06:26,716
I get a lot of reports,
a lot of feedback.
146
00:06:26,718 --> 00:06:28,017
I get lots of feedback.
147
00:06:28,019 --> 00:06:30,051
Your brother,
he's a good administrator.
148
00:06:30,053 --> 00:06:32,690
But you,
you could sell anything.
149
00:06:33,156 --> 00:06:36,962
Proverbial refrigerator
to an Eskimo.
150
00:06:40,666 --> 00:06:41,734
Dad!
151
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:43,135
Dad!
152
00:06:45,404 --> 00:06:47,069
I just sold my first car
153
00:06:47,071 --> 00:06:48,874
and I totally grossed
the piss out of this idiot.
154
00:06:49,375 --> 00:06:50,674
Yes, he did.
155
00:06:50,676 --> 00:06:52,312
[laughs]
156
00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:59,786
I just got to say, you know,
everything's got a shelf life.
157
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,886
Including me.
158
00:07:01,888 --> 00:07:03,257
But I've still got
a lot of kick left.
159
00:07:03,956 --> 00:07:06,257
But, you know,
I'm moving towards retirement.
160
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,362
I want to spend more time
with your mother.
161
00:07:09,728 --> 00:07:11,898
And this business,
it belongs to both of you.
162
00:07:12,665 --> 00:07:16,136
And I want you boys
to take care of the business.
163
00:07:16,703 --> 00:07:18,606
I want you to keep selling cars,
164
00:07:19,338 --> 00:07:21,372
I want your brother
to be the administrator
165
00:07:21,374 --> 00:07:22,507
because he's good at that.
166
00:07:22,509 --> 00:07:24,409
- So he'll be my boss?
- You're good at selling cars.
167
00:07:24,411 --> 00:07:26,647
- He's not going to be your boss.
- [William] Simon.
168
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,782
I will never be your boss.
169
00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:31,251
But I'll always be your brother.
170
00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:33,120
Simon,
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00:07:33,820 --> 00:07:35,123
we know what you want.
172
00:07:35,890 --> 00:07:37,692
We know you want
to be a comedian.
173
00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:40,661
And you're talented.
You're funny.
174
00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:43,731
And I don't want to stand
in your way of that.
175
00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:46,330
But you always have to have
a fallback plan.
176
00:07:46,332 --> 00:07:49,334
A contingency plan,
in case things don't work out.
177
00:07:49,336 --> 00:07:50,470
And this is it.
178
00:07:50,472 --> 00:07:52,338
You can always come back
and sell a car.
179
00:07:52,340 --> 00:07:54,473
This business
will always be yours.
180
00:07:54,475 --> 00:07:56,244
It'll be yours...
181
00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:57,879
and yours.
182
00:07:58,080 --> 00:07:59,345
But he will be running it.
183
00:07:59,347 --> 00:08:02,348
He'll run it,
and you'll sell cars.
184
00:08:02,350 --> 00:08:03,953
Dad, you know I love you.
185
00:08:04,319 --> 00:08:06,386
It's your business,
you do what you want.
186
00:08:06,388 --> 00:08:07,821
You built this
187
00:08:07,823 --> 00:08:09,221
and I don't want to talk
anymore, okay?
188
00:08:09,223 --> 00:08:11,324
- I gotta go.
- Simon!
189
00:08:11,326 --> 00:08:12,228
Bro!
190
00:08:15,731 --> 00:08:17,166
Dad, let me go talk to him.
191
00:08:17,733 --> 00:08:19,235
No. No, no.
192
00:08:20,435 --> 00:08:22,969
No, this is not a brother
to brother thing,
193
00:08:22,971 --> 00:08:25,709
this is a...
father to son thing.
194
00:08:26,041 --> 00:08:27,344
I'm going to talk to him.
195
00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:30,280
[smooth jazz]
196
00:08:38,788 --> 00:08:40,023
[Brian] Got a minute?
197
00:08:42,091 --> 00:08:44,092
- You taking my office now?
- [Brian laughs]
198
00:08:44,094 --> 00:08:46,828
Simon! Nobody is going
to take your office.
199
00:08:46,830 --> 00:08:47,963
Can I sit down?
200
00:08:47,965 --> 00:08:49,231
- It's your place.
- [laughs]
201
00:08:49,233 --> 00:08:51,169
You can sit
anywhere you want, dad.
202
00:08:52,335 --> 00:08:54,938
I'm going to clear something up
right away.
203
00:08:55,873 --> 00:08:58,008
This is our place.
204
00:08:59,977 --> 00:09:01,112
Simon... [sighs]
205
00:09:01,779 --> 00:09:04,249
I know what we talked about
in there hurt your feelings.
206
00:09:04,982 --> 00:09:06,382
But listen, son.
207
00:09:06,384 --> 00:09:08,854
You guys don't have any faith
or trust in me.
208
00:09:09,821 --> 00:09:11,423
I trust you implicitly.
209
00:09:13,091 --> 00:09:14,456
But somebody
has to be the driver,
210
00:09:14,458 --> 00:09:17,161
and you've always loved
being the passenger.
211
00:09:17,861 --> 00:09:18,996
And that's what you are.
212
00:09:19,264 --> 00:09:21,196
He's going to drive
the business.
213
00:09:21,198 --> 00:09:22,467
You're the passenger.
214
00:09:23,568 --> 00:09:25,335
You're going to sell cars,
215
00:09:25,337 --> 00:09:29,476
and I believe you're going
to be successful in your dream.
216
00:09:30,476 --> 00:09:32,044
And that's what I want.
217
00:09:32,812 --> 00:09:33,913
But right now...
218
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:36,915
I want to give you something.
219
00:09:37,183 --> 00:09:38,282
It's so important.
220
00:09:38,284 --> 00:09:40,019
Is that my consolation prize?
221
00:09:40,419 --> 00:09:41,386
This...
222
00:09:42,321 --> 00:09:44,090
This is a vest
223
00:09:44,823 --> 00:09:46,258
that my father gave me.
224
00:09:47,993 --> 00:09:49,396
And his father gave him.
225
00:09:50,096 --> 00:09:51,365
It's been handed down
226
00:09:52,232 --> 00:09:53,932
and I think it's a lucky vest.
227
00:09:53,934 --> 00:09:56,136
I can't wear it anymore,
you know? But...
228
00:09:57,036 --> 00:09:58,071
I want you to have it.
229
00:09:59,106 --> 00:10:01,475
It's going to be a lucky vest
for you, Simon.
230
00:10:03,376 --> 00:10:04,345
It's special.
231
00:10:04,977 --> 00:10:06,313
This is the legacy.
232
00:10:07,314 --> 00:10:09,349
And when
I'm not around anymore...
233
00:10:11,318 --> 00:10:13,889
You're going to think of me
when you wear this,
234
00:10:14,555 --> 00:10:18,160
and it's going to bring you
a lot of luck.
235
00:10:19,326 --> 00:10:22,195
It's yours, Simon. I love you.
236
00:10:26,066 --> 00:10:27,168
Love you, son.
237
00:10:31,238 --> 00:10:34,108
They're offering you
two hundred fucking dollars.
238
00:10:35,476 --> 00:10:36,478
Okay.
239
00:10:38,913 --> 00:10:40,179
I'll be there.
240
00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:42,317
Now! Like now,
like five minutes ago.
241
00:10:43,018 --> 00:10:44,184
Okay.
242
00:10:44,186 --> 00:10:45,551
- Okay? Don't be late.
- [cheers]
243
00:10:45,553 --> 00:10:48,088
Hey, no, no. Hey, listen.
Don't be late.
244
00:10:48,090 --> 00:10:49,622
[uptempo jazz]
245
00:10:49,624 --> 00:10:53,162
♪ I know that you're
Out of my league ♪
246
00:10:54,128 --> 00:10:57,465
♪ I just want you to notice me ♪
247
00:10:58,933 --> 00:11:00,368
♪ I've got no cash ♪
248
00:11:00,370 --> 00:11:02,471
- ♪ Or fancy car ♪
- [phone ringing]
249
00:11:03,172 --> 00:11:05,274
- What the fuck?
- [phone ringing]
250
00:11:07,610 --> 00:11:08,676
Hello?
251
00:11:08,678 --> 00:11:10,377
- Simon.
- Hey, William.
252
00:11:10,379 --> 00:11:13,015
Hey, are you coming in
today, bro?
253
00:11:13,982 --> 00:11:15,518
I'm sorry.
No, I'm not coming in.
254
00:11:16,251 --> 00:11:19,252
Got a big break tonight.
I'm going to The Comedy Basement
255
00:11:19,254 --> 00:11:22,259
to do a set,
and it's going to be televised.
256
00:11:23,226 --> 00:11:25,863
Wow, congratulations!
That's good news.
257
00:11:26,297 --> 00:11:27,632
Thank you, I appreciate it.
258
00:11:28,097 --> 00:11:29,299
Can I get a car?
259
00:11:29,632 --> 00:11:31,301
Simon, you know I can't do that.
260
00:11:32,001 --> 00:11:32,870
[clicks tongue]
261
00:11:33,304 --> 00:11:35,202
What the fuck, man?
We own a dealership
262
00:11:35,204 --> 00:11:36,672
and you won't give me a car?
263
00:11:36,674 --> 00:11:38,974
Every time we give you
a company car, you sell it.
264
00:11:38,976 --> 00:11:40,311
I'll get you a ride. Uber.
265
00:11:40,977 --> 00:11:43,146
Come on, man.
I don't want to go in an Uber.
266
00:11:44,178 --> 00:11:45,883
They all fucking smell
like curry.
267
00:11:46,350 --> 00:11:49,154
Simon, not every Uber driver
is from India.
268
00:11:49,420 --> 00:11:53,389
There are all kinds of guys:
Irish, Italian, Chinese guys!
269
00:11:53,391 --> 00:11:54,624
[huffing]
270
00:11:54,626 --> 00:11:56,362
Come on, please.
271
00:11:57,295 --> 00:11:58,660
Tell me when you need the car,
272
00:11:58,662 --> 00:12:00,231
and I'll get it over there.
273
00:12:00,497 --> 00:12:01,432
Twenty minutes.
274
00:12:02,032 --> 00:12:04,435
Done. Hey, I'm proud of you.
275
00:12:04,669 --> 00:12:05,670
You going to come?
276
00:12:06,070 --> 00:12:07,238
Absolutely.
277
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:09,605
Really?
278
00:12:09,607 --> 00:12:10,541
I'll be there.
279
00:12:11,444 --> 00:12:13,143
- Okay.
- I love you.
280
00:12:13,145 --> 00:12:15,148
- I'll see you tonight, bro.
- Thanks.
281
00:12:16,715 --> 00:12:18,214
[funky jazz music]
282
00:12:18,216 --> 00:12:22,455
♪ Nothing better in my head ♪
283
00:12:23,089 --> 00:12:26,292
♪ Please notice me ♪
284
00:12:26,624 --> 00:12:31,297
♪ I'd swim
Halfway across the sea ♪
285
00:12:32,230 --> 00:12:33,666
- ♪ Please... ♪
- [door slams]
286
00:12:39,005 --> 00:12:40,540
[Jerry] Mr. Simon! Welcome!
287
00:12:41,407 --> 00:12:42,707
My brother's a fucking idiot.
288
00:12:42,709 --> 00:12:45,443
I am Jagdish
but you can call me Jerry.
289
00:12:45,445 --> 00:12:46,614
How you doing, Jerry?
290
00:12:49,249 --> 00:12:50,451
[Jerry] Easy.
291
00:12:58,024 --> 00:12:59,360
[Jerry grunts]
292
00:13:00,227 --> 00:13:01,596
[Jerry] All buckled in, sir?
293
00:13:03,096 --> 00:13:04,499
I have to put my seatbelt on?
294
00:13:04,765 --> 00:13:06,367
[Jerry] That's the law, sir.
295
00:13:08,302 --> 00:13:10,072
[smooth jazz]
296
00:13:10,370 --> 00:13:13,140
♪ I know we've been down
This long road ♪
297
00:13:16,177 --> 00:13:19,413
♪ And here's something
That I've been told ♪
298
00:13:22,383 --> 00:13:25,587
♪ Everyone makes
So many mistakes ♪
299
00:13:27,789 --> 00:13:31,394
♪ So tell me, honey
What it's gonna take ♪
300
00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:37,265
♪ Because sometimes
Things change, I know ♪
301
00:13:40,202 --> 00:13:41,401
♪ And sometimes ♪
302
00:13:41,403 --> 00:13:44,640
♪ Things never seem the same ♪
303
00:13:47,343 --> 00:13:49,346
[crescendo]
304
00:13:51,548 --> 00:13:55,352
♪ Can you just take me
Seriously? ♪
305
00:13:57,286 --> 00:13:59,720
♪ Can you just grab my hand ♪
306
00:13:59,722 --> 00:14:02,459
♪ And give me
One more opportunity ♪
307
00:14:03,626 --> 00:14:08,432
♪ Because everyone ♪
308
00:14:09,399 --> 00:14:13,367
♪ Has a moment of grace ♪
309
00:14:13,369 --> 00:14:15,306
♪ Save face ♪
310
00:14:17,407 --> 00:14:19,310
[Jerry]
How is your day going, sir?
311
00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:20,544
Good.
312
00:14:21,612 --> 00:14:26,418
By the way, do you like my car?
It's brand new.
313
00:14:28,185 --> 00:14:29,087
It's nice.
314
00:14:29,552 --> 00:14:31,455
I'm very proud of it.
315
00:14:32,790 --> 00:14:33,724
[Simon] Nice.
316
00:14:34,391 --> 00:14:35,728
It's fast.
317
00:14:36,193 --> 00:14:37,459
Like a tiger!
318
00:14:37,461 --> 00:14:39,628
[Simon] Can you do me a favor,
though? Can you slow it down?
319
00:14:39,630 --> 00:14:41,531
Because what I ate for breakfast
320
00:14:41,533 --> 00:14:43,735
is going to come out
of my nose and my ass.
321
00:14:44,369 --> 00:14:45,537
Very good, sir.
322
00:14:46,138 --> 00:14:47,605
[soft jazz music]
323
00:14:49,608 --> 00:14:52,375
What is it that you do, sir?
What is your profession?
324
00:14:52,377 --> 00:14:53,709
[turning signal]
325
00:14:53,711 --> 00:14:55,614
[sighs heavily]
326
00:14:55,913 --> 00:14:59,650
I'm a... I'm a comedian.
327
00:14:59,652 --> 00:15:04,224
[Jerry] You are telling
and writing jokes, then?
328
00:15:06,558 --> 00:15:08,861
I tell jokes,
I write some jokes.
329
00:15:09,361 --> 00:15:10,460
But I'm a comedian.
330
00:15:10,462 --> 00:15:12,164
So, some people sing,
331
00:15:12,365 --> 00:15:13,799
but they don't necessarily...
332
00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:15,802
write all their songs.
333
00:15:16,903 --> 00:15:19,438
[Jerry] I have never met
a joke teller before.
334
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:22,142
It is an honor.
335
00:15:22,674 --> 00:15:24,578
Thank you, I appreciate it.
336
00:15:25,312 --> 00:15:28,249
Is it... a good job?
337
00:15:29,815 --> 00:15:33,784
It's... I guess you have
to be committed... to it.
338
00:15:33,786 --> 00:15:35,887
Just, I guess,
like you're committed
339
00:15:35,889 --> 00:15:37,254
to the job you do.
340
00:15:37,256 --> 00:15:38,291
I love my job.
341
00:15:38,525 --> 00:15:41,261
I love my job! [laughs]
342
00:15:41,562 --> 00:15:43,394
I hope you love your job, sir.
343
00:15:43,396 --> 00:15:45,599
- [jazz music]
- [cheers and applause]
344
00:15:59,247 --> 00:16:00,545
[chuckling]
345
00:16:00,547 --> 00:16:02,150
Huh. That's shit.
346
00:16:02,550 --> 00:16:04,453
[grumbles and chuckles]
347
00:16:05,286 --> 00:16:07,289
[unintelligible mumbling]
348
00:16:08,289 --> 00:16:09,358
Hey, what time is it?
349
00:16:10,324 --> 00:16:11,894
[stage hand]
Start going on in ten minutes.
350
00:16:12,661 --> 00:16:13,630
Fuck.
351
00:16:14,964 --> 00:16:16,563
Fucking Simon.
352
00:16:16,565 --> 00:16:20,537
Please, sir. Tell me a joke.
I like to laugh.
353
00:16:20,969 --> 00:16:22,602
Okay.
354
00:16:22,604 --> 00:16:26,308
You know why blonde women
have bruised belly buttons?
355
00:16:27,743 --> 00:16:28,942
No.
356
00:16:28,944 --> 00:16:30,580
[Simon] Because blonde guys
are dumb, too.
357
00:16:32,580 --> 00:16:35,683
I... I do not understand.
358
00:16:35,685 --> 00:16:37,321
Because blonde guys are dumb.
359
00:16:37,519 --> 00:16:39,353
They think the belly button
is the vagina,
360
00:16:39,355 --> 00:16:40,758
so they're tapping that.
361
00:16:41,423 --> 00:16:42,757
[phone rings]
362
00:16:42,759 --> 00:16:43,726
Excuse me.
363
00:16:44,961 --> 00:16:46,326
Hello?
364
00:16:46,328 --> 00:16:47,395
- Simon. Where are you?
- [cheers]
365
00:16:47,397 --> 00:16:49,396
I'm in an Uber, I'm on my way.
366
00:16:49,398 --> 00:16:50,768
[Jerry] Twenty-two minutes, sir.
367
00:16:51,868 --> 00:16:52,970
Thank you for that.
368
00:16:53,702 --> 00:16:55,737
Apparently it's 22 minutes.
369
00:16:55,739 --> 00:16:57,874
Simon, please
don't fuck this up, okay?
370
00:16:58,508 --> 00:16:59,611
I'm on my way.
371
00:17:01,379 --> 00:17:03,882
- Simon? Si... Fuck.
- [laughter]
372
00:17:05,016 --> 00:17:06,347
[cheers and applause]
373
00:17:06,349 --> 00:17:07,586
[sighs]
374
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:13,390
Is that your... best joke, sir?
375
00:17:14,491 --> 00:17:16,827
It's very good. Uh, very good.
376
00:17:17,394 --> 00:17:18,626
But you didn't laugh.
377
00:17:18,628 --> 00:17:20,828
Well, I didn't understand it,
378
00:17:20,830 --> 00:17:22,864
but I am new
to this country, and...
379
00:17:22,866 --> 00:17:24,634
Can you do me a favor
and slow down?
380
00:17:24,636 --> 00:17:26,502
Because I'm going to be
fucking sitting
381
00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:27,903
on your spare tire soon, Jerry.
382
00:17:27,905 --> 00:17:30,640
I'm sorry, sir.
This is a very fast car.
383
00:17:30,642 --> 00:17:31,941
I'm just learning how to...
384
00:17:31,943 --> 00:17:33,878
So maybe
you should have bought a...
385
00:17:34,413 --> 00:17:35,481
a Hyundai.
386
00:17:35,946 --> 00:17:39,284
Hyundai is a very
good car as well, but...
387
00:17:39,717 --> 00:17:41,853
this one is fast like a tiger.
388
00:17:43,989 --> 00:17:45,790
[uptempo jazz]
389
00:17:56,636 --> 00:17:58,802
Just relax. Hey, relax.
390
00:17:58,804 --> 00:18:00,538
Just be honest with your
brother, he's your brother.
391
00:18:00,540 --> 00:18:02,643
Will you stop it,
you're fucking lame.
392
00:18:03,076 --> 00:18:03,977
Alright.
393
00:18:04,577 --> 00:18:06,443
Alright. Ooh!
394
00:18:06,445 --> 00:18:07,712
- Hi.
- Hi. How are you?
395
00:18:07,714 --> 00:18:09,613
- Pretty good.
- Is my brother busy?
396
00:18:09,615 --> 00:18:10,647
Does it matter?
397
00:18:10,649 --> 00:18:12,483
Even if he was,
he's always got time for you.
398
00:18:12,485 --> 00:18:13,617
- Go ahead.
- Appreciate it.
399
00:18:13,619 --> 00:18:15,555
- Can I go in?
- Yeah, of course.
400
00:18:19,892 --> 00:18:21,893
Look who it is! [chuckles]
401
00:18:21,895 --> 00:18:23,962
- How are you doing, bro?
- Hey, bro.
402
00:18:23,964 --> 00:18:26,000
What is that? Come here, you!
I love you.
403
00:18:26,766 --> 00:18:28,700
- Good to see you, come in!
- You too.
404
00:18:28,702 --> 00:18:30,635
Sally, what's up?
Hey, champ. [grunts]
405
00:18:30,637 --> 00:18:33,474
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey.
- Come on.
406
00:18:35,377 --> 00:18:36,544
[William] So.
407
00:18:37,078 --> 00:18:38,514
What can I do for you boys?
408
00:18:38,812 --> 00:18:40,049
[Simon] Well, you know...
409
00:18:40,581 --> 00:18:41,813
I'm a little slug.
410
00:18:41,815 --> 00:18:43,518
I'm a little tight, and...
411
00:18:44,119 --> 00:18:45,685
for some scratch,
412
00:18:45,687 --> 00:18:47,656
and I was hoping
you could give me an advance.
413
00:18:48,156 --> 00:18:49,591
Simon, you know the deal.
414
00:18:49,823 --> 00:18:51,390
We get paid
the same every month.
415
00:18:51,392 --> 00:18:52,591
If I blow through my money,
416
00:18:52,593 --> 00:18:53,761
I don't cut myself
another check.
417
00:18:54,094 --> 00:18:56,428
So. But you,
you can step out on the floor
418
00:18:56,430 --> 00:18:57,765
any time you want,
419
00:18:58,600 --> 00:18:59,968
and make it happen. Listen.
420
00:19:00,602 --> 00:19:01,901
Get out there and sell a car,
421
00:19:01,903 --> 00:19:03,603
I'll give you
the commission right now.
422
00:19:03,605 --> 00:19:07,509
Well, thanks for seeing us
but I don't want to sell a car.
423
00:19:08,476 --> 00:19:10,010
Do it! Make it happen.
424
00:19:10,012 --> 00:19:12,044
I'm not even dressed,
I don't even have a jacket.
425
00:19:12,046 --> 00:19:12,981
I got you.
426
00:19:16,185 --> 00:19:19,755
There we go.
Wow! That is a 30 pound jacket.
427
00:19:22,123 --> 00:19:24,761
- Don't make me go sell a car.
- Come on, come on.
428
00:19:25,429 --> 00:19:27,098
This is like breathing for you.
429
00:19:27,898 --> 00:19:29,766
You keep my jacket
behind your door?
430
00:19:30,065 --> 00:19:31,035
Yeah.
431
00:19:31,935 --> 00:19:33,070
Go get 'em, tiger!
432
00:19:36,806 --> 00:19:37,908
Watch this.
433
00:19:38,175 --> 00:19:39,474
Watch this?
What are you talking about?
434
00:19:39,476 --> 00:19:40,742
He's my best friend.
435
00:19:40,744 --> 00:19:42,944
He's going to come back here
in two seconds with a contract.
436
00:19:42,946 --> 00:19:44,548
Watch it.
437
00:19:45,782 --> 00:19:47,182
Good afternoon, how are you?
438
00:19:47,184 --> 00:19:49,150
- Good, thanks. How are you?
- My name is Simon.
439
00:19:49,152 --> 00:19:51,922
- Hi, Bernard.
- Good to meet you, Bernard.
440
00:19:53,658 --> 00:19:56,191
Call me Bernie.
I'm just looking around.
441
00:19:56,193 --> 00:19:57,592
Bernie?
442
00:19:57,594 --> 00:19:58,660
I'll just tell you
about the car,
443
00:19:58,662 --> 00:19:59,762
because that's my job.
444
00:19:59,764 --> 00:20:01,063
- Sure.
- You like the car?
445
00:20:01,065 --> 00:20:02,098
I like it, yeah.
446
00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:03,265
You know, Bernie,
I have to tell you something.
447
00:20:03,267 --> 00:20:05,700
When they say they don't make
them like they used to...
448
00:20:05,702 --> 00:20:06,901
Thank God,
because they used to be
449
00:20:06,903 --> 00:20:08,236
- a pile of shit.
- [Bernie chuckles]
450
00:20:08,238 --> 00:20:10,940
This is a car.
The highest level of technology,
451
00:20:10,942 --> 00:20:13,243
the software synchs up
with your phone,
452
00:20:13,245 --> 00:20:14,914
whether it's Apple or Android.
453
00:20:15,146 --> 00:20:17,546
All wheel drive, 2000 CCs,
454
00:20:17,548 --> 00:20:19,783
it's an equal boost engine,
it's great on gas.
455
00:20:19,785 --> 00:20:21,116
This is a quick car.
456
00:20:21,118 --> 00:20:22,818
- Yeah. It's nice.
- And look at the back seat.
457
00:20:22,820 --> 00:20:24,688
If you want to bang a chick
in the back seat,
458
00:20:24,690 --> 00:20:26,122
you ain't going to break
a vertebrae.
459
00:20:26,124 --> 00:20:29,926
[laughing] I'm married,
but thanks for the info.
460
00:20:29,928 --> 00:20:32,064
Take the wife in the back seat.
461
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:33,964
- Do you love the car?
- I do, yeah.
462
00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:35,700
Can I make a suggestion, Bernie?
463
00:20:35,702 --> 00:20:37,901
- Sure.
- Let's go in my office and talk.
464
00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:40,039
- What do you think?
- Okay, Simon.
465
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:43,009
Thanks.
466
00:20:47,946 --> 00:20:49,713
- Bernie, come in please.
- Yeah.
467
00:20:49,715 --> 00:20:51,050
- Sit down, buddy.
- Thanks.
468
00:20:52,151 --> 00:20:53,687
[Bernie exhales heavily]
469
00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:55,722
Bernie.
470
00:20:57,656 --> 00:20:58,990
I was born into this business.
471
00:20:58,992 --> 00:21:00,858
It's my dad
that started this business,
472
00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:02,129
he started as a salesman.
473
00:21:02,829 --> 00:21:04,598
I'm talking to you
like a brother.
474
00:21:04,798 --> 00:21:06,131
The car... Do you love that car?
475
00:21:06,133 --> 00:21:07,932
I love that car.
It's a lovely car.
476
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,268
...fits your perfectly.
477
00:21:09,270 --> 00:21:11,135
- A car's got to fit you, buddy.
- Yep.
478
00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:13,805
It's got a 2000 CC
equal boost engine,
479
00:21:13,807 --> 00:21:15,140
it's good on gas.
480
00:21:15,142 --> 00:21:16,240
It's not a dog.
481
00:21:16,242 --> 00:21:18,812
Because most of these cars
that are fuel-efficient
482
00:21:19,078 --> 00:21:21,012
you have to get out
and fucking push.
483
00:21:21,014 --> 00:21:23,615
But... here's the problem.
484
00:21:23,617 --> 00:21:24,752
If you don't take this car,
485
00:21:25,886 --> 00:21:28,587
and they sell it, it's six,
eight, maybe ten weeks.
486
00:21:28,589 --> 00:21:31,156
Almost a whole model year.
And I won't go back and forth.
487
00:21:31,158 --> 00:21:33,159
I'm going to give you
the best deal possible,
488
00:21:33,161 --> 00:21:34,560
first time.
489
00:21:34,562 --> 00:21:36,296
Make the deal,
and then you can pick it up.
490
00:21:36,298 --> 00:21:37,997
I can have it PDI'd
491
00:21:37,999 --> 00:21:40,769
and out of the showroom
by tomorrow.
492
00:21:43,704 --> 00:21:45,137
No, not at all.
493
00:21:45,139 --> 00:21:48,077
No, I'm going to have to check
with my wife, you know?
494
00:21:50,679 --> 00:21:51,745
I respect that.
495
00:21:51,747 --> 00:21:53,981
Second largest investment
of your life is your car.
496
00:21:53,983 --> 00:21:55,816
- Yeah, right.
- I'm on your side, Bernie.
497
00:21:55,818 --> 00:21:58,618
And you'll probably try
to bang her in the back seat,
498
00:21:58,620 --> 00:22:00,119
like you said.
499
00:22:00,121 --> 00:22:01,588
There's lots of room.
Nothing like romance.
500
00:22:01,590 --> 00:22:02,889
This is what I'm going to do.
501
00:22:02,891 --> 00:22:04,357
I want to hold the car for you.
502
00:22:04,359 --> 00:22:06,760
So, there's a little box here
where it says remarks,
503
00:22:06,762 --> 00:22:08,865
I'm going to put "Must...
504
00:22:09,999 --> 00:22:10,932
ask...
505
00:22:10,934 --> 00:22:12,936
- [pen scratching]
- wife's...
506
00:22:13,669 --> 00:22:14,772
permission...
507
00:22:16,005 --> 00:22:17,140
to buy...
508
00:22:17,773 --> 00:22:18,906
the car."
509
00:22:18,908 --> 00:22:21,778
If she gives you the go-ahead,
then we take this off.
510
00:22:22,012 --> 00:22:23,677
Give me the fucking paperwork.
511
00:22:23,679 --> 00:22:25,614
Nobody tells me
whether I can buy a car or not.
512
00:22:25,616 --> 00:22:27,081
You're a good boy, Bernie.
513
00:22:27,083 --> 00:22:28,818
[jazz music]
514
00:22:30,853 --> 00:22:32,122
[cheering]
515
00:22:36,793 --> 00:22:37,929
Thank you!
516
00:22:38,696 --> 00:22:39,932
Thank you, thank you!
517
00:22:41,632 --> 00:22:42,734
Thank you.
518
00:22:43,801 --> 00:22:44,937
Thank you!
519
00:22:45,703 --> 00:22:47,235
Welcome to The Comedy Basement.
520
00:22:47,237 --> 00:22:49,739
And remember, when you're here,
in The Comedy Basement,
521
00:22:49,741 --> 00:22:51,974
there is only one place
left to go,
522
00:22:51,976 --> 00:22:53,309
and that is up!
523
00:22:53,311 --> 00:22:54,713
[cheering]
524
00:22:56,046 --> 00:22:57,848
My name is Freddy C.
525
00:22:58,082 --> 00:23:01,184
I am your host and the owner
of this beautiful establishment.
526
00:23:01,186 --> 00:23:03,256
- [cheering]
- My first guest
527
00:23:04,023 --> 00:23:06,389
is an up-and-comer,
he's known all around the area,
528
00:23:06,391 --> 00:23:08,824
we're very honored to have,
ladies and gentlemen,
529
00:23:08,826 --> 00:23:10,394
he's no longer driving
for NASCAR,
530
00:23:10,396 --> 00:23:11,427
Mr. Jeff Elliott!
531
00:23:11,429 --> 00:23:12,966
[cheers and applause]
532
00:23:23,142 --> 00:23:25,612
[Jeff]
Hey, guys. How's it going?
533
00:23:26,145 --> 00:23:28,615
Alright. I'm really starting
to feel my age.
534
00:23:29,015 --> 00:23:30,651
I hurt myself sleeping.
535
00:23:30,883 --> 00:23:32,885
[laughter]
536
00:23:33,152 --> 00:23:34,985
Did you know that was a thing
you could do?
537
00:23:34,987 --> 00:23:36,090
I was taking a nap.
538
00:23:36,422 --> 00:23:38,891
I woke up,
my shoulder was really sore.
539
00:23:39,459 --> 00:23:40,893
Doesn't go away for two weeks.
540
00:23:41,428 --> 00:23:43,127
So I go to the doctor,
they take some X-rays.
541
00:23:43,129 --> 00:23:45,196
Ah... turns out I tore
my rotator cuff...
542
00:23:45,198 --> 00:23:46,397
[audience] Aw.
543
00:23:46,399 --> 00:23:48,300
...while I was taking a nap!
544
00:23:48,302 --> 00:23:49,771
[laughter]
545
00:23:50,871 --> 00:23:52,304
If you guys are familiar
with this injury,
546
00:23:52,306 --> 00:23:54,308
it's usually reserved
for professional athletes.
547
00:23:55,075 --> 00:23:56,909
Most specifically,
baseball pitchers
548
00:23:56,911 --> 00:23:58,647
tear their rotator cuffs a lot.
549
00:23:58,879 --> 00:24:00,281
I knew I was good at sleeping.
550
00:24:00,815 --> 00:24:02,381
[laughter]
551
00:24:02,383 --> 00:24:04,652
Apparently I'm ready
for the big leagues!
552
00:24:05,318 --> 00:24:07,186
I'll say this too,
these baseball pitchers
553
00:24:07,188 --> 00:24:08,419
tear their rotator cuffs,
they're done.
554
00:24:08,421 --> 00:24:10,893
For a year,
they don't play baseball.
555
00:24:11,393 --> 00:24:13,860
I was back in bed
sleeping that night.
556
00:24:13,862 --> 00:24:16,098
[laughter and applause]
557
00:24:21,036 --> 00:24:24,036
My next guest
is the most famous sock
558
00:24:24,038 --> 00:24:25,471
in the entire world!
559
00:24:25,473 --> 00:24:27,439
Unlike his brother
who never quite made it.
560
00:24:27,441 --> 00:24:30,008
He's the sock that's still
left out on the highway.
561
00:24:30,010 --> 00:24:31,244
[audience] Ah...
562
00:24:31,246 --> 00:24:32,946
Ladies and gentlemen,
Ed the Sock!
563
00:24:32,948 --> 00:24:34,050
[cheering]
564
00:24:39,055 --> 00:24:40,824
[Ed] Alright, shut up already!
565
00:24:41,190 --> 00:24:42,922
I don't believe your sincerity.
566
00:24:42,924 --> 00:24:44,391
Thank you very much
for that introduction.
567
00:24:44,393 --> 00:24:47,995
I love the goatee, by the way.
Very Wesley Snipes.
568
00:24:47,997 --> 00:24:49,395
[laughter]
569
00:24:49,397 --> 00:24:52,133
And thank you
for the reference to my brother
570
00:24:52,135 --> 00:24:53,470
who's out on the highway.
571
00:24:54,737 --> 00:24:57,138
I haven't heard that one before.
Though, of course, it's better
572
00:24:57,140 --> 00:25:01,012
than the "brother that you
jerked off into as a teenager."
573
00:25:03,347 --> 00:25:05,079
Guys! I'm a sock!
574
00:25:05,081 --> 00:25:07,315
That's my ethnicity.
I'm not defined by it.
575
00:25:07,317 --> 00:25:09,017
Let's get past
those jokes, okay?
576
00:25:09,019 --> 00:25:11,385
[laughter and applause]
577
00:25:11,387 --> 00:25:12,456
Our next act...
578
00:25:12,889 --> 00:25:14,489
We love seeing this man
when he comes
579
00:25:14,491 --> 00:25:16,057
and garners our stage,
580
00:25:16,059 --> 00:25:19,059
That Canadian guy...
Glen Foster!
581
00:25:19,061 --> 00:25:20,363
[cheers and applause]
582
00:25:21,097 --> 00:25:23,234
[Glen]
Alright, come on, come on...
583
00:25:27,437 --> 00:25:30,975
Here we go. Oh, thank you
very much. That's very nice.
584
00:25:31,542 --> 00:25:33,475
I hope I look alright. I, uh...
585
00:25:33,477 --> 00:25:36,412
I've reached the age
where no matter what I wear,
586
00:25:36,414 --> 00:25:39,248
I just come off
looking like a retired cop.
587
00:25:39,250 --> 00:25:41,053
- [laughter]
- So...
588
00:25:41,351 --> 00:25:44,252
Anyway, I do not need
any more stress in my life.
589
00:25:44,254 --> 00:25:47,124
I live
with my pre-teen daughter,
590
00:25:47,126 --> 00:25:49,859
- [audience] Oh!
- my pre-menopausal wife,
591
00:25:49,861 --> 00:25:51,395
[laughter]
592
00:25:51,397 --> 00:25:56,266
and... a previously abused
female Australian Shepherd.
593
00:25:56,268 --> 00:25:58,268
- [laughter]
- Oh, yeah!
594
00:25:58,270 --> 00:26:00,236
There are days
I walk through the door,
595
00:26:00,238 --> 00:26:02,873
it is bitch, bitch, bitch.
596
00:26:02,875 --> 00:26:04,243
[laughter]
597
00:26:05,845 --> 00:26:09,011
But the dog is cute, so...
598
00:26:09,013 --> 00:26:10,183
[laughter]
599
00:26:11,150 --> 00:26:12,216
[Simon] I'll give you
another joke.
600
00:26:12,218 --> 00:26:16,053
So this guy is in his room.
He's in a hospital.
601
00:26:16,055 --> 00:26:16,989
And...
602
00:26:16,991 --> 00:26:19,022
the doctor comes in the room,
and he says,
603
00:26:19,024 --> 00:26:21,592
"Mr. Smith,
I got some good news,
604
00:26:21,594 --> 00:26:23,127
- and some bad news."
- [Jerry grunts]
605
00:26:23,129 --> 00:26:26,196
So he says,
"Give me the bad news first
606
00:26:26,198 --> 00:26:29,202
and then you can pacify me
with the good news."
607
00:26:29,535 --> 00:26:30,902
Goes, "Well, the bad news is
608
00:26:30,904 --> 00:26:32,169
you got gangrene
on both your feet,
609
00:26:32,171 --> 00:26:33,437
we're going to have
to cut them off."
610
00:26:33,439 --> 00:26:34,575
"So what the fuck's
the good news?"
611
00:26:35,309 --> 00:26:38,180
"The guy in the other room
wants to buy all your shoes."
612
00:26:39,246 --> 00:26:42,082
Because they wear the same...
they wear the same size.
613
00:26:42,984 --> 00:26:44,151
And, and then?
614
00:26:45,553 --> 00:26:47,285
Oh, that is it?
615
00:26:47,287 --> 00:26:49,388
I got to check my messages
because you're depressing me.
616
00:26:49,390 --> 00:26:50,492
Okay? Anyways.
617
00:26:51,592 --> 00:26:53,591
They're very good jokes, sir.
Very good. But, I...
618
00:26:53,593 --> 00:26:56,328
- [Simon] Apparently not.
- I've never heard them before.
619
00:26:56,330 --> 00:26:59,565
I would love to study your jokes
so I understand them.
620
00:26:59,567 --> 00:27:02,070
If you have to study a joke,
it's not funny.
621
00:27:02,603 --> 00:27:04,504
[applause]
622
00:27:04,506 --> 00:27:06,939
Now our next act
is known all around the world
623
00:27:06,941 --> 00:27:08,207
as your neighborhood kid.
624
00:27:08,209 --> 00:27:10,075
Ladies and gentlemen,
please give it up
625
00:27:10,077 --> 00:27:11,244
for Jerry Caringi!
626
00:27:11,246 --> 00:27:12,946
[cheers and applause]
627
00:27:12,948 --> 00:27:16,216
[Jerry C.] Yeah! What's going on
here? What's going on?
628
00:27:16,218 --> 00:27:18,254
Hey! Pasta fazool, how are you?
629
00:27:18,687 --> 00:27:20,957
Hey, how are you?
Good to see you.
630
00:27:21,390 --> 00:27:25,062
Hey! Faccia di polenta!
How are you?
631
00:27:25,561 --> 00:27:26,964
How are you, man?
632
00:27:29,164 --> 00:27:30,499
How are you doing, huh?
633
00:27:34,938 --> 00:27:36,907
What a crowd, what a crowd!
634
00:27:37,507 --> 00:27:40,006
- You feeling good?
- [audience] Yeah!
635
00:27:40,008 --> 00:27:41,309
Ay!
636
00:27:41,311 --> 00:27:43,013
Faccia di polenta, how are you?
637
00:27:43,211 --> 00:27:46,148
Anyways, um... The Godfather.
638
00:27:47,116 --> 00:27:48,683
It's getting serious.
He's in his office.
639
00:27:48,685 --> 00:27:50,020
Something is going on.
640
00:27:50,386 --> 00:27:52,990
So he calls in Rocco.
"Rocco, get in here!
641
00:27:53,723 --> 00:27:55,259
I gotta ask you a question."
642
00:27:56,125 --> 00:27:57,427
"Yes, Godfather. Anything."
643
00:27:58,295 --> 00:27:59,663
"What's five plus five?"
644
00:28:00,396 --> 00:28:03,265
Rocco answers, "Seven."
645
00:28:03,267 --> 00:28:04,298
[audience chuckles]
646
00:28:04,300 --> 00:28:05,936
Godfather slaps him in the face.
647
00:28:06,537 --> 00:28:09,204
"You're a good boy.
You're very smart.
648
00:28:09,206 --> 00:28:11,641
Thank you. Go get Anthony.
Send him in here.
649
00:28:11,643 --> 00:28:12,510
Stay outside."
650
00:28:13,644 --> 00:28:16,214
Anthony comes waltzing in,
kind of worried.
651
00:28:18,316 --> 00:28:20,552
Godfather asks Anthony,
"Anthony...
652
00:28:21,318 --> 00:28:24,289
I'm going to ask you a question.
Give me a straight answer.
653
00:28:24,588 --> 00:28:25,721
Are you ready?"
654
00:28:25,723 --> 00:28:27,122
Anthony goes, "Yeah."
655
00:28:27,124 --> 00:28:28,324
"What's five plus six?"
656
00:28:28,326 --> 00:28:30,395
"Ah, that's easy. It's eleven."
657
00:28:31,596 --> 00:28:33,563
Pulls out his gun, bang!
658
00:28:33,565 --> 00:28:34,498
[laughter]
659
00:28:34,500 --> 00:28:36,169
Falls to the floor! Ba da dum!
660
00:28:36,602 --> 00:28:39,502
Rocco comes running in,
"Godfather! What's going on?
661
00:28:39,504 --> 00:28:40,572
What did you do?"
662
00:28:42,607 --> 00:28:43,640
"He knows too much."
663
00:28:43,642 --> 00:28:45,342
[audience claps] Oh!
664
00:28:45,344 --> 00:28:48,112
This woman has been known
all around the world
665
00:28:48,114 --> 00:28:50,279
for her role on Growing Pains.
666
00:28:50,281 --> 00:28:52,348
She also garnered the cover,
667
00:28:52,350 --> 00:28:57,121
and throughout America
is known as a stunning Playmate
668
00:28:57,123 --> 00:28:58,455
in Playboy magazine.
669
00:28:58,457 --> 00:29:00,791
Ladies and gentlemen,
please give it up for...
670
00:29:00,793 --> 00:29:02,292
Julie McCollough!
671
00:29:02,294 --> 00:29:03,496
[cheering]
672
00:29:12,305 --> 00:29:13,637
[Julie] How y'all doing?
673
00:29:13,639 --> 00:29:15,376
[cheers and applause]
674
00:29:16,342 --> 00:29:18,609
Thank you so very, very much
for having me here.
675
00:29:18,611 --> 00:29:21,413
I've lived all over
the United States, y'all.
676
00:29:21,415 --> 00:29:24,183
I've lived in North Carolina,
West by God Virginia,
677
00:29:24,185 --> 00:29:28,220
Florida, Louisiana,
Missouri, Nevada,
678
00:29:28,222 --> 00:29:30,492
Texas... Woo hoo for Texas!
679
00:29:31,358 --> 00:29:35,196
California, and I was born
in Hawaii. Woo hoo!
680
00:29:36,364 --> 00:29:38,263
Y'all could tell
I was Hawaiian, right?
681
00:29:38,265 --> 00:29:42,068
Blonde hair, Southern accent...
Dead giveaway, she's Hawaiian!
682
00:29:42,070 --> 00:29:43,472
[laughter]
683
00:29:43,804 --> 00:29:47,307
(Woman speaking
foreign language)
684
00:29:47,309 --> 00:29:49,809
- brothers.
- [audience] Whoo!
685
00:29:49,811 --> 00:29:51,613
(Woman speaking
foreign language)
686
00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:54,246
[audience] Ooh!
687
00:29:54,248 --> 00:29:55,848
That means absolutely nothing.
688
00:29:55,850 --> 00:29:57,384
[Julie and audience laugh]
689
00:29:57,386 --> 00:29:59,155
- Now, our next guest...
- [applause]
690
00:29:59,588 --> 00:30:03,426
He can tell jokes, he's funny,
he can sing, but please...
691
00:30:03,692 --> 00:30:06,760
do not get him to dance
up here right now.
692
00:30:06,762 --> 00:30:08,294
[audience chuckles]
693
00:30:08,296 --> 00:30:09,631
Ladies and gentlemen,
Constantine Meglis!
694
00:30:09,831 --> 00:30:11,534
[cheers and applause]
695
00:30:20,142 --> 00:30:21,809
[Constantine] Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
696
00:30:21,811 --> 00:30:23,080
How are you?
697
00:30:23,279 --> 00:30:25,416
I happen to be six foot nine.
698
00:30:25,614 --> 00:30:26,614
[audience] Ooh!
699
00:30:26,616 --> 00:30:30,150
That's not... tall,
that's like monster tall.
700
00:30:30,152 --> 00:30:31,185
[laughter]
701
00:30:31,187 --> 00:30:32,456
Okay?
702
00:30:33,156 --> 00:30:34,759
Even when I was a little kid.
703
00:30:35,292 --> 00:30:36,828
My kindergarten picture...
704
00:30:38,228 --> 00:30:40,765
I'm five years old,
just like the rest of the kids.
705
00:30:41,232 --> 00:30:42,801
I look like I'm the teacher.
706
00:30:43,300 --> 00:30:45,303
[laughter]
707
00:30:47,403 --> 00:30:49,471
[Jerry] Sir, you are too hard
on your jokes.
708
00:30:49,473 --> 00:30:52,241
I'm sure people who understand
them will find them funny.
709
00:30:52,243 --> 00:30:53,678
I just don't understand them.
710
00:30:54,544 --> 00:30:55,447
Okay.
711
00:30:56,313 --> 00:30:58,717
Are you going to give
a show tonight?
712
00:31:01,753 --> 00:31:02,855
Well, I'm...
713
00:31:03,354 --> 00:31:05,588
I'm part of a show,
because it's a...
714
00:31:05,590 --> 00:31:09,324
it's a bunch of comedians,
it's like a cavalcade,
715
00:31:09,326 --> 00:31:11,463
and it's being televised
on cable.
716
00:31:11,862 --> 00:31:15,331
Oh, my God!
That sounds very impressive.
717
00:31:15,333 --> 00:31:17,202
I wish I could attend.
[chuckles]
718
00:31:17,401 --> 00:31:20,472
But I must drive my car.
719
00:31:20,872 --> 00:31:23,610
Are you... excited, sir?
720
00:31:25,377 --> 00:31:26,579
I wouldn't say...
721
00:31:27,446 --> 00:31:28,613
I'm excited, but...
722
00:31:30,650 --> 00:31:35,255
I'm probably, I would say,
relieved, because if I do good,
723
00:31:35,488 --> 00:31:38,658
this is basically
the break I'm looking for.
724
00:31:38,924 --> 00:31:40,392
If I do bad,
725
00:31:40,625 --> 00:31:42,895
I'll be selling cars
for the rest of my life.
726
00:31:43,629 --> 00:31:47,468
Oh, my God. So it's
a very important event, then.
727
00:31:48,367 --> 00:31:50,337
Yeah, you could say that. Yeah.
728
00:31:50,804 --> 00:31:55,176
I'm wishing you
most excellent good luck, sir.
729
00:31:55,675 --> 00:31:57,241
[Simon] Most excellent
good luck?
730
00:31:57,243 --> 00:31:58,478
[Jerry] Most excellent
good luck.
731
00:31:58,945 --> 00:32:03,517
Well I most excellently
appreciate your wishes.
732
00:32:03,849 --> 00:32:07,251
And I hope they're true for me
and for my sake.
733
00:32:07,253 --> 00:32:10,791
And congratulations on your car,
which is a tiger...
734
00:32:11,326 --> 00:32:12,594
uh, in heat.
735
00:32:12,827 --> 00:32:15,928
[laughs]
That joke I understand, sir.
736
00:32:15,930 --> 00:32:17,662
[turning signal]
737
00:32:17,664 --> 00:32:19,401
"Tiger in heat" you found funny?
738
00:32:19,901 --> 00:32:21,933
Well a tiger in heat
would be very funny.
739
00:32:21,935 --> 00:32:26,305
Uh, dangerous, but I see
how you make it funny.
740
00:32:26,307 --> 00:32:28,410
You... you are good comedian.
741
00:32:29,978 --> 00:32:31,279
Okay.
742
00:32:34,015 --> 00:32:35,649
[laughter]
743
00:32:35,651 --> 00:32:38,821
[Ed] Any ladies here
considering breast implants?
744
00:32:39,288 --> 00:32:40,554
- [woman 1] No!
- [woman 2] Yes!
745
00:32:40,556 --> 00:32:42,422
Any guys here considering
their ladies
746
00:32:42,424 --> 00:32:43,824
should have breast implants?
747
00:32:43,826 --> 00:32:45,325
[laughter]
748
00:32:45,327 --> 00:32:46,593
Hey, here's the thing, ladies.
749
00:32:46,595 --> 00:32:47,861
If you're with a guy
who wants you
750
00:32:47,863 --> 00:32:50,700
to get a breast implant,
get rid of him!
751
00:32:51,834 --> 00:32:54,804
The best breast enlargement
is sit closer!
752
00:32:55,303 --> 00:32:56,838
[laughter]
753
00:32:59,376 --> 00:33:02,676
Honestly, a breast enlargement
that a guy wants you to have,
754
00:33:02,678 --> 00:33:05,046
it's only because he can't get
his penis made bigger.
755
00:33:05,048 --> 00:33:06,817
[audience laughs] Oh!
756
00:33:07,783 --> 00:33:09,517
[applause]
757
00:33:09,519 --> 00:33:11,019
I am trying to take
care of myself,
758
00:33:11,021 --> 00:33:12,720
'cause I'm a single guy.
759
00:33:12,722 --> 00:33:14,489
Trying to figure out what women
find attractive in a man.
760
00:33:14,491 --> 00:33:16,457
I think I have some things.
I don't know if you've noticed,
761
00:33:16,459 --> 00:33:17,695
but my hands...
762
00:33:18,528 --> 00:33:19,827
are pretty much gorgeous.
763
00:33:19,829 --> 00:33:22,697
- [laughter]
- I take good care of them.
764
00:33:22,699 --> 00:33:23,932
I've been told women look
at your hands
765
00:33:23,934 --> 00:33:25,501
when they first meet you.
766
00:33:25,503 --> 00:33:27,405
They also look at your eyes,
I've been told.
767
00:33:27,605 --> 00:33:28,904
I've got some sweet baby blues
768
00:33:28,906 --> 00:33:30,606
happening behind
these safety goggles.
769
00:33:30,608 --> 00:33:32,508
[laughter]
770
00:33:32,510 --> 00:33:34,076
And I've heard feet before,
which I didn't understand.
771
00:33:34,078 --> 00:33:34,710
That sounds gross.
772
00:33:34,712 --> 00:33:36,645
Who looks at a man's feet?
773
00:33:36,647 --> 00:33:39,347
It's a size thing, right?
They think you got big shoes,
774
00:33:39,349 --> 00:33:40,848
you got the... [whistles]
775
00:33:40,850 --> 00:33:42,017
[laughter]
776
00:33:42,019 --> 00:33:43,521
...big underpants, right?
777
00:33:44,522 --> 00:33:45,589
Mine are a size 11.
778
00:33:46,658 --> 00:33:48,457
[clicks tongue]
That is slightly above average.
779
00:33:48,459 --> 00:33:50,492
[laughter]
780
00:33:50,494 --> 00:33:51,961
They're 11 wide, actually.
781
00:33:51,963 --> 00:33:53,766
[audience] Whoa!
782
00:33:55,033 --> 00:33:57,767
Can barely get my gorgeous hands
around the thing.
783
00:33:57,769 --> 00:33:59,272
[laughter]
784
00:33:59,504 --> 00:34:00,773
[turning signal]
785
00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:05,040
So, do you have...
all your friends and family
786
00:34:05,042 --> 00:34:07,780
coming to see
your performance tonight?
787
00:34:08,613 --> 00:34:09,678
Sure you going the right way?
788
00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:11,752
It's faster, sir. Much faster.
789
00:34:12,518 --> 00:34:14,521
- You sure?
- Very sure.
790
00:34:15,520 --> 00:34:17,121
I don't know
if my family's coming.
791
00:34:17,123 --> 00:34:18,688
I mean...
792
00:34:18,690 --> 00:34:21,791
My father and my mother
are no longer here,
793
00:34:21,793 --> 00:34:23,060
- unfortunately.
- I'm very sorry, sir.
794
00:34:23,062 --> 00:34:25,929
And I have a brother,
and he's married.
795
00:34:25,931 --> 00:34:28,067
And... that's us.
796
00:34:28,701 --> 00:34:30,469
So hopefully he'll...
797
00:34:31,536 --> 00:34:32,936
My brother will come tonight.
798
00:34:32,938 --> 00:34:34,708
[smooth jazz]
799
00:34:40,713 --> 00:34:43,918
♪ I want you to stop
For just one second ♪
800
00:34:44,617 --> 00:34:47,487
♪ I want you to take
One step back ♪
801
00:34:49,689 --> 00:34:51,726
♪ Don't say one word ♪
802
00:34:52,726 --> 00:34:54,693
♪ That you can't take back... ♪
803
00:34:54,695 --> 00:34:57,562
Come on, mom's waiting.
Let's go say goodbye.
804
00:34:57,564 --> 00:35:00,002
I can't go. I... I can't do it.
805
00:35:03,004 --> 00:35:03,939
Simon.
806
00:35:04,873 --> 00:35:07,139
Let's go upstairs
and say goodbye to mom.
807
00:35:07,141 --> 00:35:08,643
I don't want to say bye.
808
00:35:10,011 --> 00:35:10,978
You've got to do it.
809
00:35:12,547 --> 00:35:13,582
Hey.
810
00:35:14,448 --> 00:35:15,917
You weren't there when dad died.
811
00:35:16,151 --> 00:35:17,585
He was waiting for you.
812
00:35:17,785 --> 00:35:19,120
Don't make the same mistake.
813
00:35:19,620 --> 00:35:20,888
Why would you say that?
814
00:35:21,589 --> 00:35:23,059
He wanted to say goodbye to you.
815
00:35:23,858 --> 00:35:25,427
I know you regretted that.
816
00:35:26,061 --> 00:35:28,664
Let's go, don't make
the same mistake. Come on!
817
00:35:29,498 --> 00:35:30,697
That's it, there. Let's go.
818
00:35:30,699 --> 00:35:32,532
[slow jazz]
819
00:35:32,534 --> 00:35:36,638
♪ ...and you tore it apart ♪
820
00:35:37,907 --> 00:35:40,008
♪ Threw it on the ground ♪
821
00:35:41,577 --> 00:35:45,648
♪ And rolled it around ♪
822
00:35:46,450 --> 00:35:49,486
♪ I am what I am ♪
823
00:35:50,787 --> 00:35:52,957
♪ I'm my own man ♪
824
00:35:54,491 --> 00:35:56,761
♪ And whether it's one second ♪
825
00:35:57,461 --> 00:35:58,995
♪ Or another 100 years... ♪
826
00:35:59,662 --> 00:36:01,765
[William] Can you give us
a moment, please?
827
00:36:05,901 --> 00:36:07,804
♪ ...never take anything ♪
828
00:36:09,638 --> 00:36:11,173
♪ From someone like you... ♪
829
00:36:11,175 --> 00:36:14,112
[Audrey] Simon? There's a line
up at the gates of heaven.
830
00:36:14,712 --> 00:36:16,947
Why are you keeping me
waiting, my son?
831
00:36:18,882 --> 00:36:22,654
You've tried all your life
to make people laugh.
832
00:36:23,721 --> 00:36:26,123
And you always
make yourself cry.
833
00:36:26,858 --> 00:36:29,060
Why are you so sad, my son?
834
00:36:29,759 --> 00:36:31,762
♪ Then you understand ♪
835
00:36:31,996 --> 00:36:38,538
♪ That you're so, so sad... ♪
836
00:36:39,805 --> 00:36:42,538
And what about your wife, sir?
837
00:36:42,540 --> 00:36:44,109
Are you married?
838
00:36:44,709 --> 00:36:46,812
- I'm not married, no.
- Ah.
839
00:36:47,812 --> 00:36:49,881
Have you ever been married?
840
00:36:50,249 --> 00:36:52,015
Jerry, It's tough enough
841
00:36:52,017 --> 00:36:54,017
to get along with yourself,
let alone with somebody else.
842
00:36:54,019 --> 00:36:54,953
No, I've...
843
00:36:55,687 --> 00:36:56,923
never been married.
844
00:36:58,625 --> 00:36:59,760
That is sad.
845
00:37:00,560 --> 00:37:02,029
A man needs to be married.
846
00:37:02,695 --> 00:37:03,897
Why, to be miserable?
847
00:37:05,063 --> 00:37:09,569
Hm... you have not found
the right woman yet, I suppose.
848
00:37:09,869 --> 00:37:11,101
Do they call you Jerry
849
00:37:11,103 --> 00:37:12,769
'cause you're like
Jerry Springer?
850
00:37:12,771 --> 00:37:14,641
[Jerry laughs] Who is that?
851
00:37:14,873 --> 00:37:16,641
It's not important.
852
00:37:16,643 --> 00:37:18,775
You know what? Everybody finds
their own happiness, Jerry.
853
00:37:18,777 --> 00:37:21,814
I'm happy in my... in my...
854
00:37:23,182 --> 00:37:26,920
[huffs] survival of life.
I'm okay. I'm good.
855
00:37:28,155 --> 00:37:29,591
Yes, I understand.
856
00:37:30,090 --> 00:37:32,593
I was very happy
with my Sharmila.
857
00:37:34,093 --> 00:37:36,063
She's not with us
anymore, but...
858
00:37:36,829 --> 00:37:38,632
I still talk to her every day.
859
00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:41,867
[phone rings]
860
00:37:41,869 --> 00:37:43,671
I have got to take this,
Jerry, okay?
861
00:37:44,004 --> 00:37:45,139
[Jerry] Of course, sir.
862
00:37:45,940 --> 00:37:47,007
Hello?
863
00:37:47,009 --> 00:37:49,074
Si... Wha... What the fuck
are you doing, Simon?
864
00:37:49,076 --> 00:37:51,746
You know what? I don't know
if I want to do this. I...
865
00:37:52,047 --> 00:37:54,148
I don't want
to embarrass myself. I...
866
00:37:55,116 --> 00:37:57,349
This is a... I guess
this is a big leap for me,
867
00:37:57,351 --> 00:37:58,351
and I don't think I...
868
00:37:58,353 --> 00:38:00,186
I don't think I want to do it.
869
00:38:00,188 --> 00:38:01,587
What are you
fucking talking about?
870
00:38:01,589 --> 00:38:04,223
I put my fucking balls
on the line for you.
871
00:38:04,225 --> 00:38:05,824
But you told me they wanted me,
872
00:38:05,826 --> 00:38:09,128
why are you telling me
that it's your ass?
873
00:38:09,130 --> 00:38:09,695
I don't understand.
874
00:38:09,697 --> 00:38:10,830
Of course they want you!
875
00:38:10,832 --> 00:38:13,367
But I still had to put
my fucking balls on the line.
876
00:38:13,369 --> 00:38:14,501
You know, credibility!
877
00:38:14,503 --> 00:38:16,303
I'm the guy
who fucking recommended you.
878
00:38:16,305 --> 00:38:17,870
What's the matter with you?
They want you!
879
00:38:17,872 --> 00:38:18,972
Stop screaming
in my fucking ear.
880
00:38:18,974 --> 00:38:20,307
Don't fucking do this to me.
881
00:38:20,309 --> 00:38:21,941
Don't fucking do this
to yourself.
882
00:38:21,943 --> 00:38:23,309
Get over here.
What the fuck are you doing?
883
00:38:23,311 --> 00:38:25,314
Okay. [exhales heavily]
884
00:38:26,148 --> 00:38:28,716
Sometimes I feel
like I'm married to you, Sally.
885
00:38:28,718 --> 00:38:31,087
Okay. I'll do it.
We're on our way.
886
00:38:31,387 --> 00:38:33,189
- Fuck!
- [cheers and applause]
887
00:38:35,324 --> 00:38:37,194
[funky jazz]
888
00:38:52,174 --> 00:38:54,312
♪ There was a moment ♪
889
00:38:55,078 --> 00:38:57,281
♪ In the past... ♪
890
00:38:58,115 --> 00:39:00,950
- Hey, Simon!
- Hey. Did you bring some money?
891
00:39:00,952 --> 00:39:02,354
- [Sal] Of course I did.
- Good.
892
00:39:02,854 --> 00:39:04,720
So tonight
you know what I'm thinking?
893
00:39:04,722 --> 00:39:06,691
I want you to play
the deaf-mute.
894
00:39:07,758 --> 00:39:09,425
I don't want to play
the deaf-mute.
895
00:39:09,427 --> 00:39:10,959
You fucked it up already
896
00:39:10,961 --> 00:39:12,764
- at playing the deaf-mute.
- [Sal laughs]
897
00:39:13,164 --> 00:39:17,736
[funky jazz] ♪ Why so sad? ♪
898
00:39:18,369 --> 00:39:21,975
♪ Why so bad? ♪
899
00:39:23,776 --> 00:39:26,946
♪ Why so sad? ♪
900
00:39:28,846 --> 00:39:32,718
♪ Times have become so bad ♪
901
00:39:34,852 --> 00:39:37,723
♪ Why do you do this ♪
902
00:39:38,857 --> 00:39:40,927
♪ If you just... ♪
903
00:39:42,294 --> 00:39:43,759
Hey, Garry.
904
00:39:43,761 --> 00:39:45,127
[Garry]
Hey, Simon, what's going on?
905
00:39:45,129 --> 00:39:47,231
Give me a scotch
with a couple of cubes, please.
906
00:39:47,233 --> 00:39:48,268
Sure.
907
00:39:49,402 --> 00:39:52,271
What do you... want to... drink?
908
00:39:56,409 --> 00:39:57,744
You sure?
909
00:39:58,811 --> 00:40:00,748
- Beer, for my buddy.
- [Garry] Sure.
910
00:40:02,148 --> 00:40:04,318
- ♪ ...such a sad song ♪
- [glass clinks]
911
00:40:07,219 --> 00:40:09,322
♪ One last time... ♪
912
00:40:11,325 --> 00:40:12,292
Good?
913
00:40:14,428 --> 00:40:15,763
How you doing?
914
00:40:17,430 --> 00:40:19,867
[Margaret] I, ah...
I speak sign language.
915
00:40:20,334 --> 00:40:23,000
That isn't anything
that I recognize.
916
00:40:23,002 --> 00:40:24,171
You know why?
917
00:40:24,504 --> 00:40:26,307
'Cause we're speaking dialect.
918
00:40:27,908 --> 00:40:30,011
Oh.[chuckles]
919
00:40:30,410 --> 00:40:31,378
Ok.
920
00:40:32,779 --> 00:40:34,179
[Margaret laughs]
921
00:40:34,181 --> 00:40:35,216
[jazz music]
922
00:40:40,121 --> 00:40:42,088
This is my favorite restaurant
in the whole world.
923
00:40:42,090 --> 00:40:45,461
I love this place.
The food is absolutely amazing.
924
00:40:45,994 --> 00:40:47,360
Well, you know why I come here?
925
00:40:47,362 --> 00:40:49,898
The waiter.
He's like a father to me. Jack!
926
00:40:50,931 --> 00:40:52,067
Buddy, we're ready.
927
00:40:54,969 --> 00:40:56,705
[Jack]
Your favorite wine, Simon?
928
00:40:56,904 --> 00:40:57,840
Absolutely.
929
00:40:58,207 --> 00:41:00,173
It's my favorite
restaurant, I...
930
00:41:00,175 --> 00:41:01,941
I come here all the time
and I love the waiter.
931
00:41:01,943 --> 00:41:04,511
He's like a... father to me.
932
00:41:04,513 --> 00:41:06,147
Jack?
933
00:41:06,149 --> 00:41:08,015
This is my favorite restaurant
in the whole world.
934
00:41:08,017 --> 00:41:09,319
I love this place.
935
00:41:09,986 --> 00:41:11,922
And... the waiter
936
00:41:12,789 --> 00:41:14,925
is like a dad to me. Jack!
937
00:41:15,358 --> 00:41:16,892
We're ready, buddy.
938
00:41:17,859 --> 00:41:19,162
Your favorite wine, Simon?
939
00:41:21,931 --> 00:41:23,067
[pop]
940
00:41:23,534 --> 00:41:25,470
- Miss?
- [Margaret] Please.
941
00:41:26,002 --> 00:41:27,002
Thank you.
942
00:41:27,004 --> 00:41:28,804
[wine gurgles]
943
00:41:28,806 --> 00:41:30,806
- Ma'am?
- Please.
944
00:41:30,808 --> 00:41:32,340
[wine gurgles]
945
00:41:32,342 --> 00:41:33,474
Pinello!
946
00:41:33,476 --> 00:41:35,210
- You spoil me, Simon.
- [glass clinks]
947
00:41:35,212 --> 00:41:37,148
- Miss?
- Yes, please.
948
00:41:38,848 --> 00:41:41,084
- [glass clinks]
- [wine gurgles]
949
00:41:41,851 --> 00:41:43,254
Do you mind if I order for us?
950
00:41:43,821 --> 00:41:45,320
Ah... nope. Thank you.
951
00:41:45,322 --> 00:41:47,356
We're not going to need
the menus. I know exactly...
952
00:41:47,358 --> 00:41:49,959
- Do you mind if I order for us?
- Not at all.
953
00:41:49,961 --> 00:41:51,796
- [Simon] Do you mind if I order?
- No.
954
00:41:52,229 --> 00:41:54,296
We're going to have
the filet mignon,
955
00:41:54,298 --> 00:41:55,399
the lobster tail,
956
00:41:56,099 --> 00:41:58,002
and I want them
to make the angel hair...
957
00:41:58,369 --> 00:42:01,003
like they do for me,
alla puttanesca.
958
00:42:01,005 --> 00:42:02,370
Please? Thank you.
959
00:42:02,372 --> 00:42:04,976
So we're going to have
the filet mignon,
960
00:42:05,242 --> 00:42:06,943
with the lobster.
961
00:42:06,945 --> 00:42:09,314
We'll have the angel hair pasta
alla puttanesca.
962
00:42:09,915 --> 00:42:11,384
Ok? Thank you.
963
00:42:11,884 --> 00:42:13,984
We're going to have
the filet mignon,
964
00:42:13,986 --> 00:42:15,319
the lobster tail,
965
00:42:15,321 --> 00:42:18,589
and can you make that angel hair
alla puttanesca, please?
966
00:42:18,591 --> 00:42:20,125
- Of course.
- Thank you.
967
00:42:20,926 --> 00:42:21,859
[glasses clink]
968
00:42:21,861 --> 00:42:23,263
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
969
00:42:26,531 --> 00:42:27,897
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
970
00:42:27,899 --> 00:42:29,199
Thanks for coming out tonight.
971
00:42:29,201 --> 00:42:30,969
- Thanks for having me.
- [clink]
972
00:42:36,943 --> 00:42:38,179
[clink]
973
00:42:44,450 --> 00:42:47,050
Do you mind? I've got
to make a quick call outside.
974
00:42:47,052 --> 00:42:48,586
- I'll be right back.
- No problem.
975
00:42:48,588 --> 00:42:50,954
I'm going to make a quick call.
Do you mind?
976
00:42:50,956 --> 00:42:52,457
Not at all. Take your time.
977
00:42:52,459 --> 00:42:54,425
I gotta make a quick call,
if you don't mind.
978
00:42:54,427 --> 00:42:55,894
- Is that ok with you?
- Mm-hm.
979
00:42:55,896 --> 00:42:56,894
- Sure.
- Be right back.
980
00:42:56,896 --> 00:42:57,897
Everything's good?
981
00:42:57,899 --> 00:42:59,034
- Amazing.
- Good.
982
00:42:59,901 --> 00:43:01,069
Give me a sec.
983
00:43:02,469 --> 00:43:03,437
I'll be right back.
984
00:43:05,973 --> 00:43:07,209
Be back in a second.
985
00:43:20,053 --> 00:43:21,453
Is everything alright?
986
00:43:21,455 --> 00:43:23,423
Everything's amazing, but...
Jack, where's Simon?
987
00:43:23,425 --> 00:43:25,525
He was making a call.
It's been a while...
988
00:43:25,527 --> 00:43:26,992
Is everything alright?
989
00:43:26,994 --> 00:43:28,463
Yes, excellent...
990
00:43:32,034 --> 00:43:33,266
Is everything alright?
991
00:43:33,268 --> 00:43:35,170
Mm, delicious, thank you.
992
00:43:35,637 --> 00:43:37,006
[clink]
993
00:43:40,474 --> 00:43:41,509
Where's Simon?
994
00:43:42,043 --> 00:43:43,311
Is he coming back?
995
00:43:43,679 --> 00:43:44,981
Nah.
996
00:43:48,551 --> 00:43:50,283
[thud] Motherfucker!
997
00:43:50,285 --> 00:43:53,222
[exhales heavily]
What a scumbag!
998
00:43:54,089 --> 00:43:56,022
I'll fucking scratch
his eyeballs out
999
00:43:56,024 --> 00:43:57,223
the next time I see him!
1000
00:43:57,225 --> 00:43:58,494
[inhales sharply]
1001
00:44:02,698 --> 00:44:05,067
[smooth jazz]
♪ Look in the mirror ♪
1002
00:44:06,102 --> 00:44:07,370
♪ I just can't smile ♪
1003
00:44:08,738 --> 00:44:11,242
- [phone rings]
- ♪ I need to find... ♪
1004
00:44:13,009 --> 00:44:14,509
Simon, you ok?
1005
00:44:14,511 --> 00:44:16,179
Yeah, I'm good. Listen...
1006
00:44:16,646 --> 00:44:19,380
First of all, thank you
for the way you take care of me,
1007
00:44:19,382 --> 00:44:20,414
I appreciate it.
1008
00:44:20,416 --> 00:44:22,085
Anything for you.
It's ok, Simon.
1009
00:44:22,453 --> 00:44:25,387
That last girl,
I think her name was Margaret...
1010
00:44:25,389 --> 00:44:26,121
Yeah.
1011
00:44:26,123 --> 00:44:28,259
How did she take
paying the bill?
1012
00:44:28,592 --> 00:44:30,161
[chuckling] Well...
1013
00:44:30,427 --> 00:44:32,597
When she saw the bill,
she started laughing.
1014
00:44:41,006 --> 00:44:42,241
Ok...
1015
00:44:45,243 --> 00:44:47,243
Get the fuck outta here.
She started laughing?
1016
00:44:47,245 --> 00:44:49,011
Yeah, she was laughing.
1017
00:44:49,013 --> 00:44:50,381
Did she call me any names?
1018
00:44:51,115 --> 00:44:52,617
No. [chuckles]
1019
00:44:53,417 --> 00:44:54,519
Really?
1020
00:44:55,220 --> 00:44:56,519
Ok, thanks buddy.
1021
00:44:56,521 --> 00:44:58,121
I appreciate it.
I'll see you soon.
1022
00:44:58,123 --> 00:45:00,092
- Ok?
- It's ok. Anything, Simon.
1023
00:45:03,161 --> 00:45:04,563
♪ You make me a man ♪
1024
00:45:06,031 --> 00:45:07,697
♪ You make me appreciate ♪
1025
00:45:07,699 --> 00:45:09,134
[phone ringing]
1026
00:45:09,735 --> 00:45:11,371
♪ Who I am... ♪
1027
00:45:12,438 --> 00:45:13,440
Hello?
1028
00:45:13,773 --> 00:45:15,608
Um... Margaret?
1029
00:45:16,741 --> 00:45:18,544
- [laughing]
- It's Simon.
1030
00:45:19,811 --> 00:45:22,148
Wow, ah...
1031
00:45:22,716 --> 00:45:24,381
I'm surprised.
1032
00:45:24,383 --> 00:45:26,051
I honestly didn't think
I would hear from you again.
1033
00:45:26,053 --> 00:45:28,321
I really... I'm sorry
I had to leave, something...
1034
00:45:28,655 --> 00:45:31,589
came up and I couldn't get out
of it, and I apologize.
1035
00:45:31,591 --> 00:45:32,557
Ah-ha.
1036
00:45:32,559 --> 00:45:34,426
I'd like to make it up to you,
if possible.
1037
00:45:34,428 --> 00:45:36,564
Could I take you out again?
1038
00:45:37,064 --> 00:45:38,363
[scoffs]
1039
00:45:38,365 --> 00:45:41,369
You... you want me
to buy you dinner again?
1040
00:45:42,602 --> 00:45:47,442
No, no. I want to make it up
to you, and I got a big...
1041
00:45:48,109 --> 00:45:49,708
I got a big
thing going on tonight,
1042
00:45:49,710 --> 00:45:51,810
I'm performing
at The Comedy Basement.
1043
00:45:51,812 --> 00:45:55,249
It's being televised on cable.
1044
00:45:55,850 --> 00:45:57,750
And if you come...
If you can make it tonight,
1045
00:45:57,752 --> 00:46:00,589
I'd appreciate it,
and I'll make it up to you.
1046
00:46:02,656 --> 00:46:04,191
Ah...
1047
00:46:06,326 --> 00:46:08,696
[tsking] Let me think about it.
1048
00:46:10,164 --> 00:46:11,363
- Ok.
- [Margaret giggles]
1049
00:46:11,365 --> 00:46:12,765
Sorry about it, really.
1050
00:46:12,767 --> 00:46:14,771
I'm sorry about it,
I'll make it up to you. Ok?
1051
00:46:15,369 --> 00:46:17,239
- It's ok.
- Try to make it tonight.
1052
00:46:18,139 --> 00:46:19,374
- Ok.
- Bye.
1053
00:46:19,641 --> 00:46:21,144
- Bye.
- Bye.
1054
00:46:27,115 --> 00:46:28,648
[laughter]
1055
00:46:28,650 --> 00:46:30,517
My daddy's
a hillbilly coal miner
1056
00:46:30,519 --> 00:46:32,385
from West by God Virginia.
1057
00:46:32,387 --> 00:46:34,187
So I'm a coal miner's daughter.
1058
00:46:34,189 --> 00:46:35,857
[cheers and applause]
1059
00:46:35,859 --> 00:46:37,525
He was a Marine,
1060
00:46:37,527 --> 00:46:40,464
he was in the United States
Marine Corps, so oorah!
1061
00:46:40,730 --> 00:46:42,496
- Yeah!
- Oorah!
1062
00:46:42,498 --> 00:46:45,665
My mama, she worked in a church
in Durham, North Carolina.
1063
00:46:45,667 --> 00:46:48,668
So naturally,
I am a Playboy Playmate.
1064
00:46:48,670 --> 00:46:50,174
[laughter]
1065
00:46:52,475 --> 00:46:54,678
True, I am Miss February...
1066
00:46:55,178 --> 00:46:56,747
[audience applauds] Whoo!
1067
00:46:58,682 --> 00:47:00,349
...1986.
1068
00:47:00,351 --> 00:47:01,853
[laughter]
1069
00:47:02,552 --> 00:47:04,253
I frickin' hate
saying that year,
1070
00:47:04,255 --> 00:47:05,523
it's a dead giveaway.
1071
00:47:06,590 --> 00:47:09,760
I'm old... erish.
1072
00:47:10,728 --> 00:47:14,162
I'm 33 years in Playmate years!
Whoo hoo!
1073
00:47:14,164 --> 00:47:15,532
[cheering]
1074
00:47:18,434 --> 00:47:21,837
Any guys here who like to send
pictures of their penises
1075
00:47:21,839 --> 00:47:23,741
to prospective dates?
1076
00:47:24,942 --> 00:47:26,843
Good, I'm glad nobody clapped.
1077
00:47:26,845 --> 00:47:28,477
[laughter]
1078
00:47:28,479 --> 00:47:30,582
'Cause I know
most of you are liars,
1079
00:47:31,415 --> 00:47:32,748
but at least you have
the common sense
1080
00:47:32,750 --> 00:47:34,850
not to admit it
in a crowd of people.
1081
00:47:34,852 --> 00:47:36,518
[laughter]
1082
00:47:36,520 --> 00:47:38,788
Not quite sure why a guy
would send a penis to a woman.
1083
00:47:38,790 --> 00:47:42,192
Is it like they hope
that later during the date
1084
00:47:42,194 --> 00:47:43,625
they can't be impersonated?
1085
00:47:43,627 --> 00:47:45,396
[laughter]
1086
00:47:45,398 --> 00:47:48,199
Like, "Wait a minute,
I've seen your penis,
1087
00:47:48,201 --> 00:47:50,469
and that's not your penis!"
1088
00:47:52,505 --> 00:47:54,338
I just don't understand it.
1089
00:47:54,340 --> 00:47:57,474
Women don't go for guys
for a penis.
1090
00:47:57,476 --> 00:47:58,612
Am I right, ladies?
1091
00:47:59,646 --> 00:48:02,278
By the time you know
the size of a guy's penis,
1092
00:48:02,280 --> 00:48:03,616
you've already committed.
1093
00:48:04,516 --> 00:48:06,349
Any ladies ever looked
at a penis and said,
1094
00:48:06,351 --> 00:48:07,721
"Sorry, I'm outta here?"
1095
00:48:10,524 --> 00:48:11,990
I imagine that would be
1096
00:48:11,992 --> 00:48:14,392
not because it's too small,
but because it's too big.
1097
00:48:14,394 --> 00:48:16,394
- [laughter]
- Ooh!
1098
00:48:16,396 --> 00:48:18,231
Ladies, you like 'em real big?
1099
00:48:18,932 --> 00:48:20,497
Hey, I don't understand that.
1100
00:48:20,499 --> 00:48:22,633
I thought the idea of sex
was that it was intimacy.
1101
00:48:22,635 --> 00:48:24,368
Why do you want
to have sex with a guy
1102
00:48:24,370 --> 00:48:25,673
who's in the other room?
1103
00:48:29,575 --> 00:48:30,941
Is everything alright, sir?
1104
00:48:30,943 --> 00:48:32,345
[Simon] It's ok, I guess.
1105
00:48:33,480 --> 00:48:36,882
You seemed to get very sober
with that telephone call.
1106
00:48:36,884 --> 00:48:38,583
Pardon me?
1107
00:48:38,585 --> 00:48:40,385
Somber, sober, sad.
1108
00:48:40,387 --> 00:48:41,355
For a comedian,
1109
00:48:42,223 --> 00:48:43,791
that doesn't sound good,
I don't think.
1110
00:48:44,625 --> 00:48:46,694
[Simon] I'm not sad. I'm just...
1111
00:48:47,962 --> 00:48:49,864
I think I just am...
1112
00:48:50,398 --> 00:48:51,896
got a lot going on in my mind
1113
00:48:51,898 --> 00:48:54,699
'cause I'm performing
and there's a lot of pressure,
1114
00:48:54,701 --> 00:48:57,706
'cause five minutes
for a comedian are an eternity.
1115
00:48:57,972 --> 00:49:00,409
[Jerry] Hmm... I understand.
1116
00:49:01,876 --> 00:49:04,813
But you are prepared
for these five minutes?
1117
00:49:05,881 --> 00:49:07,383
[Simon] Am I prepared?
1118
00:49:08,416 --> 00:49:10,352
Is anybody ever prepared
in life?
1119
00:49:10,952 --> 00:49:12,551
I don't know. We'll see.
1120
00:49:12,553 --> 00:49:14,354
I mean, everything is timing.
1121
00:49:14,356 --> 00:49:18,962
Sometimes when you're on stage
your timing is bang-on, and...
1122
00:49:20,028 --> 00:49:22,462
you're in the rhythm
of the audience and the crowd,
1123
00:49:22,464 --> 00:49:24,331
and sometimes
your timing is off,
1124
00:49:24,333 --> 00:49:26,569
and you die a slow death.
1125
00:49:27,569 --> 00:49:30,873
[Jerry] Hmm. Well, I have
faith in you, sir.
1126
00:49:33,576 --> 00:49:35,713
What kind of faith
are you talking about?
1127
00:49:38,982 --> 00:49:40,516
In my country...
1128
00:49:41,851 --> 00:49:43,854
there's very little reason
for faith.
1129
00:49:44,788 --> 00:49:45,991
In this country,
1130
00:49:46,657 --> 00:49:48,492
you have every reason for faith.
1131
00:49:49,327 --> 00:49:50,395
I have faith.
1132
00:49:51,595 --> 00:49:52,731
You have faith?
1133
00:49:53,430 --> 00:49:55,467
I have a gut feeling
about you, sir.
1134
00:49:58,102 --> 00:50:00,772
But you don't even know
who I am, or what I am.
1135
00:50:00,970 --> 00:50:02,006
[Jerry chuckles]
1136
00:50:03,207 --> 00:50:05,606
You know there's two types
of people in the world, right?
1137
00:50:05,608 --> 00:50:08,512
[stutters] What do you mean,
two types of people?
1138
00:50:09,046 --> 00:50:10,714
[Simon] There's good souls,
1139
00:50:10,716 --> 00:50:12,382
- and there's assholes.
- [Jerry chuckles]
1140
00:50:12,384 --> 00:50:14,887
How do you know I'm a good soul
and not an asshole?
1141
00:50:16,020 --> 00:50:17,823
Faith, sir. Faith.
1142
00:50:19,056 --> 00:50:20,656
[laughter]
1143
00:50:20,658 --> 00:50:22,625
[Glen] The dog is cute.
Roxy, that's her name.
1144
00:50:22,627 --> 00:50:25,027
We had a little compromise
with the dog.
1145
00:50:25,029 --> 00:50:26,596
I wanted to get a male dog
1146
00:50:26,598 --> 00:50:28,531
so we'd have
two neutered men in the family.
1147
00:50:28,533 --> 00:50:30,033
[laughter]
1148
00:50:30,035 --> 00:50:32,935
What happened was I took
my daughter to see the puppies,
1149
00:50:32,937 --> 00:50:34,972
and she fell in love
with a female,
1150
00:50:34,974 --> 00:50:36,773
and she named her Roxy,
1151
00:50:36,775 --> 00:50:41,512
because she has never been
to a strip club before.
1152
00:50:41,514 --> 00:50:42,747
[laughter]
1153
00:50:42,749 --> 00:50:44,447
I know,
it's such a stripper name!
1154
00:50:44,449 --> 00:50:46,751
If you're a guy, there's a list
of names in your head
1155
00:50:46,753 --> 00:50:48,017
and they're not
in your head all cutesy,
1156
00:50:48,019 --> 00:50:49,753
[high pitched]
it's not like, "Roxy!"
1157
00:50:49,755 --> 00:50:52,391
[low pitched]
It's like, "Roxay!"
1158
00:50:53,025 --> 00:50:54,457
"Coming to the dog park
1159
00:50:54,459 --> 00:50:57,795
right now, gentlemen,
it's Roxay!"
1160
00:50:57,797 --> 00:50:59,029
[laughter]
1161
00:50:59,031 --> 00:51:01,433
I know, I feel creepy
just calling this dog.
1162
00:51:01,435 --> 00:51:05,038
I say,
"Roxy! Here girl..." [splutters]
1163
00:51:05,471 --> 00:51:06,737
"Who wants a big bone?
1164
00:51:06,739 --> 00:51:09,576
- Huh? Who wants it?"
- [laughter]
1165
00:51:10,611 --> 00:51:12,879
- [Simon] Why are you so happy?
- [Jerry laughs]
1166
00:51:14,013 --> 00:51:15,482
Look around you, sir.
1167
00:51:16,450 --> 00:51:17,448
And?
1168
00:51:17,450 --> 00:51:18,685
[Jerry] It is paradise.
1169
00:51:23,992 --> 00:51:25,594
This is paradise to you?
1170
00:51:25,960 --> 00:51:26,961
Very much so.
1171
00:51:30,632 --> 00:51:31,800
Fine. You know what?
1172
00:51:32,534 --> 00:51:34,802
I'll take that
into consideration...
1173
00:51:35,836 --> 00:51:36,771
tonight.
1174
00:51:37,639 --> 00:51:40,876
And hopefully give myself
a big break.
1175
00:51:43,143 --> 00:51:44,445
Hopefully.
1176
00:51:45,981 --> 00:51:46,883
Have faith, sir.
1177
00:51:48,551 --> 00:51:49,886
You have faith in life?
1178
00:51:51,854 --> 00:51:53,723
[Jerry] I'm grateful
every morning.
1179
00:51:56,859 --> 00:51:57,861
For what?
1180
00:51:58,526 --> 00:51:59,561
[Jerry] For who I am.
1181
00:51:59,995 --> 00:52:03,866
For my...
happiness, for my children.
1182
00:52:05,600 --> 00:52:06,669
For being alive.
1183
00:52:07,002 --> 00:52:08,538
[Simon] Ok. Nice.
1184
00:52:13,143 --> 00:52:15,579
My father always planned
for the future.
1185
00:52:16,947 --> 00:52:19,049
But the future
was short-lived for him.
1186
00:52:20,683 --> 00:52:21,918
What are you gonna do?
1187
00:52:23,152 --> 00:52:24,587
[cheers and applause]
1188
00:52:26,056 --> 00:52:28,188
I did a whole bunch of TV shows
y'all might know,
1189
00:52:28,190 --> 00:52:31,059
I was on Growing Pains,
I was on The Drew Carey Show,
1190
00:52:31,061 --> 00:52:33,495
I played Peaches,
his hillbilly neighbor.
1191
00:52:33,497 --> 00:52:34,796
I was on The Golden Girls,
1192
00:52:34,798 --> 00:52:37,001
I was their
next door neighbor Ms. Mary.
1193
00:52:37,267 --> 00:52:39,868
Um, I did Beverly Hills 90210,
1194
00:52:39,870 --> 00:52:42,504
I did nine covers
of Playboy magazine
1195
00:52:42,506 --> 00:52:43,839
around the world, whoo hoo!
1196
00:52:43,841 --> 00:52:46,241
[whistles and cheers]
1197
00:52:46,243 --> 00:52:47,910
Thank you very much.
1198
00:52:47,912 --> 00:52:50,011
I'd just like everyone to know
who I think I used to be.
1199
00:52:50,013 --> 00:52:50,981
[laughter]
1200
00:52:51,883 --> 00:52:53,915
'Cause what I really am
is just a small town,
1201
00:52:53,917 --> 00:52:55,783
blue jean wearing,
four-wheeler riding,
1202
00:52:55,785 --> 00:52:58,054
hillbilly talking,
country music listening,
1203
00:52:58,056 --> 00:52:59,889
tailgate sitting,
blowjob giving,
1204
00:52:59,891 --> 00:53:01,791
blue collar boy loving
kind of gal.
1205
00:53:01,793 --> 00:53:03,663
[laughter and cheering]
1206
00:53:08,132 --> 00:53:09,565
Most of the people here,
1207
00:53:09,567 --> 00:53:11,000
when a Playboy Playmate's
speaking,
1208
00:53:11,002 --> 00:53:15,639
it's "wah wah wah, wah wah wah,
blowjob giving,
1209
00:53:15,641 --> 00:53:17,677
wah wah wah wah."
1210
00:53:18,676 --> 00:53:21,814
I am sorry
that he is not here to...
1211
00:53:22,782 --> 00:53:23,984
attend tonight.
1212
00:53:25,285 --> 00:53:26,553
Me too.
1213
00:53:27,119 --> 00:53:28,218
Me too.
1214
00:53:28,220 --> 00:53:29,590
He was my biggest fan.
1215
00:53:29,988 --> 00:53:33,593
And he stuck by me
when I was booed.
1216
00:53:34,026 --> 00:53:34,961
But he is here.
1217
00:53:39,298 --> 00:53:42,999
You have to forgive me, Jerry,
for being a little cynical.
1218
00:53:43,001 --> 00:53:45,237
I really, truly,
don't want to offend
1219
00:53:45,239 --> 00:53:48,674
what you believe in, in your...
culture and your religion,
1220
00:53:48,676 --> 00:53:49,775
but I don't believe
in that shit.
1221
00:53:49,777 --> 00:53:51,112
My father had faith,
1222
00:53:52,011 --> 00:53:54,181
so did my mother,
and they're both gone.
1223
00:53:55,716 --> 00:53:57,852
Did they have a good life?
Were they happy?
1224
00:54:00,187 --> 00:54:01,152
[Simon] Yeah, they were.
1225
00:54:01,154 --> 00:54:02,987
Well, I never saw
my father on his deathbed,
1226
00:54:02,989 --> 00:54:05,290
because I didn't have the guts.
1227
00:54:05,292 --> 00:54:07,194
I didn't have the guts.
1228
00:54:07,761 --> 00:54:10,099
But my mother, yes.
I was there when...
1229
00:54:10,731 --> 00:54:15,070
she had her last breath of life
before they removed the...
1230
00:54:15,903 --> 00:54:17,639
the batteries from her.
1231
00:54:19,708 --> 00:54:20,976
Yeah, she was happy.
1232
00:54:24,646 --> 00:54:26,180
You were there for your mother.
1233
00:54:28,383 --> 00:54:30,920
That is a great blessing.
1234
00:54:33,622 --> 00:54:34,557
I agree.
1235
00:54:35,859 --> 00:54:39,062
I do, Jerry, I agree. I'm happy
I was able to say bye to her.
1236
00:54:39,629 --> 00:54:42,933
And I'm disappointed in myself,
to be honest with you,
1237
00:54:43,633 --> 00:54:45,832
that I didn't get a chance
to say bye to my dad,
1238
00:54:45,834 --> 00:54:47,202
because I'm a fucking coward.
1239
00:54:48,136 --> 00:54:49,171
[Jerry grunts]
1240
00:54:51,640 --> 00:54:53,140
And the whole theory about,
1241
00:54:53,142 --> 00:54:55,712
you know, how black men
supposedly are all so well-hung?
1242
00:54:56,011 --> 00:54:58,646
You think about the damage
that does to black men
1243
00:54:58,648 --> 00:54:59,780
who are averagely hung?
1244
00:54:59,782 --> 00:55:01,782
[laughter]
1245
00:55:01,784 --> 00:55:04,284
Just think about
how they have to walk around
1246
00:55:04,286 --> 00:55:06,887
knowing that one day
they'll show their penis
1247
00:55:06,889 --> 00:55:09,324
and it's not going to be
12 inches flaccid.
1248
00:55:09,326 --> 00:55:10,992
[chuckles]
1249
00:55:10,994 --> 00:55:13,061
And just think of how awful
they're going to feel
1250
00:55:13,063 --> 00:55:14,999
in comparison
to the guys in porn.
1251
00:55:15,298 --> 00:55:18,636
Because that's the only place
penises are actually that big.
1252
00:55:19,302 --> 00:55:21,671
Oh, there's a lady here
who doubts that?
1253
00:55:21,673 --> 00:55:23,004
[laughter]
1254
00:55:23,006 --> 00:55:24,809
The guy sitting next to her
is beaming.
1255
00:55:25,109 --> 00:55:26,676
- [man] Yeah.
- Where's your hand?
1256
00:55:26,678 --> 00:55:27,877
Why's it under the table?
1257
00:55:27,879 --> 00:55:29,381
[laughter]
1258
00:55:30,214 --> 00:55:33,915
[Jerry] Let us not be so sad,
you are a funny man.
1259
00:55:33,917 --> 00:55:35,750
You're going to perform tonight.
1260
00:55:35,752 --> 00:55:38,055
You are a very funny man.
I know it!
1261
00:55:38,321 --> 00:55:40,455
What, are you
from Jerry Seinfeld?
1262
00:55:40,457 --> 00:55:41,760
Who?
1263
00:55:42,359 --> 00:55:43,729
[Simon] It doesn't matter.
1264
00:55:44,328 --> 00:55:46,797
I gave you two jokes
and you didn't laugh.
1265
00:55:46,799 --> 00:55:48,034
I don't understand it.
1266
00:55:50,168 --> 00:55:51,103
Try another one.
1267
00:55:52,237 --> 00:55:53,206
Nah...
1268
00:55:53,971 --> 00:55:55,137
But thank you, Jerry,
1269
00:55:55,139 --> 00:55:56,842
I really appreciate it,
actually.
1270
00:55:58,409 --> 00:56:02,144
I did not want to take an Uber,
because, I told my brother
1271
00:56:02,146 --> 00:56:03,746
"They all smell like curry."
1272
00:56:03,748 --> 00:56:05,949
- [Jerry] Hm?
- But your car smells brand-new.
1273
00:56:05,951 --> 00:56:07,717
Because it is brand-new!
1274
00:56:07,719 --> 00:56:10,354
Next week, if I pick you up,
it will smell like curry, but...
1275
00:56:10,356 --> 00:56:13,026
- [both chuckle]
- That's funny.
1276
00:56:13,959 --> 00:56:16,761
At least you're honest...
You're a good guy, Jerry!
1277
00:56:16,763 --> 00:56:17,865
Thank you, sir.
1278
00:56:18,865 --> 00:56:19,767
Are we close?
1279
00:56:20,066 --> 00:56:22,035
Three and a half minutes, sir.
1280
00:56:25,338 --> 00:56:26,839
Three and a half minutes.
1281
00:56:27,240 --> 00:56:28,439
[laughter]
1282
00:56:28,441 --> 00:56:30,107
Because I was a Playmate,
1283
00:56:30,109 --> 00:56:31,508
everybody just thinks
I knew everything about sex.
1284
00:56:31,510 --> 00:56:33,113
Sex, sex, sex... Nuh-uh!
1285
00:56:34,148 --> 00:56:35,847
I was about to get married,
1286
00:56:35,849 --> 00:56:38,319
I didn't even know
how to give a... blowjob!
1287
00:56:38,953 --> 00:56:40,351
And, um, then...
1288
00:56:40,353 --> 00:56:43,154
I couldn't go have that sex talk
with my mama,
1289
00:56:43,156 --> 00:56:45,324
'cause she works in a church
and it wasn't comfortable.
1290
00:56:45,326 --> 00:56:48,427
So I went to Ms. Mary,
Hugh Hefner's secretary.
1291
00:56:48,429 --> 00:56:50,896
Does anybody watch
The Girls Next Door show?
1292
00:56:50,898 --> 00:56:52,230
- Did y'all know that show?
- [all] Yes!
1293
00:56:52,232 --> 00:56:54,166
Ok, you know who Ms. Mary is?
1294
00:56:54,168 --> 00:56:58,437
Mis. Mary was in her 70s
when she gave me the sex talk.
1295
00:56:58,439 --> 00:56:59,974
And this is what she said.
1296
00:57:00,242 --> 00:57:02,542
She said: "Honey,
you did know that 'blow'
1297
00:57:02,544 --> 00:57:04,544
was just an expression, right?
1298
00:57:04,546 --> 00:57:05,845
[chuckling]
1299
00:57:05,847 --> 00:57:07,249
It should be called 'suck it'."
1300
00:57:07,849 --> 00:57:10,385
[laughter]
1301
00:57:10,919 --> 00:57:12,285
I was doing pretty good.
1302
00:57:12,287 --> 00:57:14,153
[Jeff] I got these nice eyes,
decent-size feet,
1303
00:57:14,155 --> 00:57:15,988
and these beautiful,
beautiful hands.
1304
00:57:15,990 --> 00:57:17,524
[audience] Whoo!
1305
00:57:17,526 --> 00:57:20,096
What they didn't tell me is that
if you're losing your hair,
1306
00:57:20,461 --> 00:57:22,163
none of that other shit matters.
1307
00:57:22,165 --> 00:57:23,867
[laughter]
1308
00:57:26,868 --> 00:57:28,738
I just recently
started shaving my head.
1309
00:57:29,437 --> 00:57:32,475
I guess as an act of surrender
on behalf of my hair, really.
1310
00:57:33,176 --> 00:57:35,042
It was obviously losing
the war to my forehead
1311
00:57:35,044 --> 00:57:36,576
for dominance of my face.
1312
00:57:36,578 --> 00:57:38,447
[laughter]
1313
00:57:39,047 --> 00:57:40,484
The hair put up a great fight.
1314
00:57:40,949 --> 00:57:42,583
But the troops
just kept retreating,
1315
00:57:42,585 --> 00:57:44,418
and retreating,
and retreating...
1316
00:57:44,420 --> 00:57:45,790
- [laughter]
- Yeah.
1317
00:57:46,990 --> 00:57:49,157
And then some of my forehead
flanked them from the back.
1318
00:57:49,159 --> 00:57:52,296
[laughter and applause]
1319
00:57:53,963 --> 00:57:55,930
[Jerry] Are there any other
famous comedians
1320
00:57:55,932 --> 00:57:57,300
like yourself tonight?
1321
00:57:58,202 --> 00:58:00,434
[Simon] Um, you know what,
I'm really bad with names,
1322
00:58:00,436 --> 00:58:02,838
but yes, it's very...
1323
00:58:02,840 --> 00:58:06,006
People much more talented
than me, people very famous.
1324
00:58:06,008 --> 00:58:08,343
I'm not famous at all,
nobody knows me.
1325
00:58:08,345 --> 00:58:10,179
[Jerry] Oh,
then this sounds like
1326
00:58:10,181 --> 00:58:12,050
an excellent opportunity
for you.
1327
00:58:13,884 --> 00:58:15,953
Yeah, and I'm actually...
1328
00:58:17,955 --> 00:58:20,288
quite surprised,
and trying to understand
1329
00:58:20,290 --> 00:58:22,493
why I have this opportunity,
because....
1330
00:58:23,093 --> 00:58:24,960
I think that I'm kind of...
1331
00:58:24,962 --> 00:58:26,531
Being a little honest
with myself,
1332
00:58:27,297 --> 00:58:29,265
I don't believe
I deserve this opportunity
1333
00:58:29,267 --> 00:58:31,002
because I've been very lazy.
1334
00:58:33,639 --> 00:58:36,809
[sighs] Opportunity does not
come to those who deserve,
1335
00:58:37,208 --> 00:58:40,112
just like bad things happen
to those who don't deserve.
1336
00:58:40,545 --> 00:58:44,049
You should just accept it,
and not judge it.
1337
00:58:45,316 --> 00:58:47,251
So you're saying
go with the flow?
1338
00:58:47,253 --> 00:58:50,123
[Jerry] Well, be grateful
for the opportunity.
1339
00:58:52,458 --> 00:58:54,994
And kill! [laughs]
1340
00:58:55,226 --> 00:58:56,193
"Kill?"
1341
00:58:56,195 --> 00:58:57,498
Isn't that what they say?
1342
00:58:58,163 --> 00:59:00,267
[Simon] Yeah,
yeah they do, actually.
1343
00:59:01,267 --> 00:59:04,003
I'll do my best, Jerry,
I'll do my best.
1344
00:59:05,272 --> 00:59:07,138
[Ed] By the way,
did you ever notice
1345
00:59:07,140 --> 00:59:08,672
that there's a lot of jokes
you can't tell anymore?
1346
00:59:08,674 --> 00:59:11,475
Things have become so sensitive,
there's jokes you can't tell.
1347
00:59:11,477 --> 00:59:15,048
Which, ok, I understand it,
we're much more enlightened now.
1348
00:59:15,415 --> 00:59:16,413
But what will we do
1349
00:59:16,415 --> 00:59:18,649
with all those great Newfie
and Polish jokes?
1350
00:59:18,651 --> 00:59:20,317
[laughter]
1351
00:59:20,319 --> 00:59:22,253
Who can be targets nowadays?
1352
00:59:22,255 --> 00:59:24,222
So, c'mon,
the idea of a submarine
1353
00:59:24,224 --> 00:59:26,260
with a screen door,
that's funny!
1354
00:59:27,561 --> 00:59:30,695
The idea of a mission to the sun
that lands at night?
1355
00:59:30,697 --> 00:59:31,996
That's funny!
1356
00:59:31,998 --> 00:59:33,298
[laughter]
1357
00:59:33,300 --> 00:59:35,700
But now we can't attach it
to any ethnicity.
1358
00:59:35,702 --> 00:59:37,635
What group
can we still make fun of?
1359
00:59:37,637 --> 00:59:39,938
I'm thinking there's one group
we can still make fun of
1360
00:59:39,940 --> 00:59:41,307
that everybody hates.
1361
00:59:41,309 --> 00:59:42,307
Old people.
1362
00:59:42,309 --> 00:59:43,508
[laughter]
1363
00:59:43,510 --> 00:59:46,645
Am I wrong?
Everybody hates old people.
1364
00:59:46,647 --> 00:59:48,314
[laughter]
1365
00:59:48,316 --> 00:59:51,219
And let's face it,
old people is your age plus 40.
1366
00:59:51,586 --> 00:59:53,153
[laughter]
1367
00:59:53,155 --> 00:59:54,990
Started losing
my hair when I was 19.
1368
00:59:55,189 --> 00:59:58,126
- [audience] Ooh!
- Yeah, didn't seem fair at all.
1369
00:59:58,526 --> 01:00:01,530
I went from one day I had to use
a fake ID to get into a bar,
1370
01:00:02,229 --> 01:00:04,631
next day I'm getting
a senior's discount at Denny's.
1371
01:00:04,633 --> 01:00:07,035
[laughter and applause]
1372
01:00:14,009 --> 01:00:16,210
We're almost there, Mr. Simon.
1373
01:00:16,212 --> 01:00:17,347
Are you rehearsing?
1374
01:00:20,583 --> 01:00:21,551
I never rehearse.
1375
01:00:25,320 --> 01:00:26,223
Never?
1376
01:00:27,556 --> 01:00:28,491
Never.
1377
01:00:29,493 --> 01:00:33,196
[Jerry] Then you must
be perfect. [chuckles]
1378
01:00:34,064 --> 01:00:35,700
[Simon] I'm far
from being perfect.
1379
01:00:36,233 --> 01:00:38,236
Maybe it's because
I don't rehearse.
1380
01:00:39,269 --> 01:00:41,502
[Jerry] I have to rehearse
everything I do
1381
01:00:41,504 --> 01:00:44,075
because I want to be perfect.
[chuckling]
1382
01:00:45,108 --> 01:00:46,977
[Simon] Maybe that's
what I should do.
1383
01:00:48,579 --> 01:00:50,544
Mr. Simon,
remember what you said:
1384
01:00:50,546 --> 01:00:54,649
there are two kinds of people,
good souls and assholes.
1385
01:00:54,651 --> 01:00:56,120
You are a good soul.
1386
01:00:56,788 --> 01:00:58,090
You think?
1387
01:00:58,690 --> 01:01:00,359
- I know.
- You really think?
1388
01:01:01,225 --> 01:01:02,157
I have faith.
1389
01:01:02,159 --> 01:01:04,129
[turning signal]
1390
01:01:07,498 --> 01:01:08,399
Thank you, Jerry.
1391
01:01:10,067 --> 01:01:12,136
That means a lot to me,
I appreciate it.
1392
01:01:13,670 --> 01:01:15,139
Maybe that's what I need.
1393
01:01:16,306 --> 01:01:17,575
I need a little faith.
1394
01:01:22,814 --> 01:01:26,682
Actually, I've been doing
a lot of shows on cruise ships,
1395
01:01:26,684 --> 01:01:29,322
but that market's
kind of dried up now.
1396
01:01:30,155 --> 01:01:31,120
So...
1397
01:01:31,122 --> 01:01:32,689
[laughter]
1398
01:01:32,691 --> 01:01:35,258
My favorite
cruise ship thing recently...
1399
01:01:35,260 --> 01:01:37,760
That Italian one
that went up on its side.
1400
01:01:37,762 --> 01:01:39,296
[audience] Aw!
1401
01:01:39,298 --> 01:01:41,564
- That captain, "Cap'n Crunch"
- [laughter]
1402
01:01:41,566 --> 01:01:44,501
as I like to call him,
you know what he did?
1403
01:01:44,503 --> 01:01:48,306
Basically he was trying to wave
to a friend of his onshore,
1404
01:01:48,308 --> 01:01:50,607
and basically he did, like,
the nautical equivalent
1405
01:01:50,609 --> 01:01:54,411
of buzzing the tower
in a small plane, you know?
1406
01:01:54,413 --> 01:01:57,382
And he was off the ship,
this guy, he was off the ship,
1407
01:01:57,384 --> 01:02:00,054
before the passengers,
before the crew.
1408
01:02:00,319 --> 01:02:01,853
Right? And the excuses!
1409
01:02:01,855 --> 01:02:03,587
"Oh, it was dark!
1410
01:02:03,589 --> 01:02:05,589
It was dark,
I fell in the lifeboat.
1411
01:02:05,591 --> 01:02:09,528
It started paddling by itself,
I didn't know how to control it.
1412
01:02:09,530 --> 01:02:11,197
I know how to work
the big ships,
1413
01:02:11,199 --> 01:02:13,631
these little ones
are a mystery to me."
1414
01:02:13,633 --> 01:02:15,336
[laughter]
1415
01:02:17,104 --> 01:02:20,338
"Oh, I was just testing out,
I was testing out the lifeboat
1416
01:02:20,340 --> 01:02:23,108
to make sure it was safe
for the other passengers."
1417
01:02:23,110 --> 01:02:24,510
[laughter]
1418
01:02:24,512 --> 01:02:27,412
And I say, good thing
this happened in Italy.
1419
01:02:27,414 --> 01:02:30,184
Right? Off the coast of Italy.
1420
01:02:30,450 --> 01:02:32,485
Because anywhere else
in the world,
1421
01:02:32,487 --> 01:02:34,386
[mimics Italian accent]
"Me no speaking English!
1422
01:02:34,388 --> 01:02:36,823
Boat go boom boom, she sink!
I don't know what happened!
1423
01:02:36,825 --> 01:02:39,725
I'm just a guy standing here,
boat sink over there!
1424
01:02:39,727 --> 01:02:42,328
Don't look at me,
I'm standing here all day
1425
01:02:42,330 --> 01:02:44,897
minding my own business,
boat sink over there.
1426
01:02:44,899 --> 01:02:47,234
Somebody help those people! Ahh!
1427
01:02:47,236 --> 01:02:49,236
Who put this uniform on me?
1428
01:02:49,238 --> 01:02:50,603
This is not my uniform!
1429
01:02:50,605 --> 01:02:53,676
I fell asleep,
a man put a hat on my head..."
1430
01:02:57,447 --> 01:03:00,250
We're almost there, sir.
I'm very excited for you.
1431
01:03:02,184 --> 01:03:03,487
I think I am too, now.
1432
01:03:04,154 --> 01:03:05,253
[Jerry chuckles]
1433
01:03:05,255 --> 01:03:06,523
[Simon] Thank you, Jerry.
1434
01:03:08,291 --> 01:03:09,493
Appreciate it.
1435
01:03:12,427 --> 01:03:13,663
On the house, sir.
1436
01:03:18,201 --> 01:03:21,106
Life is a series of moments.
1437
01:03:21,437 --> 01:03:23,805
And hopefully
we will see each other again.
1438
01:03:23,807 --> 01:03:25,276
We may not, but if we do,
1439
01:03:25,542 --> 01:03:28,546
then that will be
a sign of friendship.
1440
01:03:29,212 --> 01:03:31,415
And... another moment.
1441
01:03:32,515 --> 01:03:34,482
[Simon] You're very
philosophical, there, Jerry.
1442
01:03:34,484 --> 01:03:36,287
But... you know what?
1443
01:03:37,321 --> 01:03:39,424
If I see you again, it'd be...
1444
01:03:40,557 --> 01:03:43,560
my honor and my pleasure
to call you my friend.
1445
01:03:45,963 --> 01:03:48,299
You see? I am grateful.
1446
01:03:49,900 --> 01:03:54,436
You know Jerry, ironically,
it is me who is grateful.
1447
01:03:54,438 --> 01:03:57,342
And usually I'm always
the one that's ungrateful.
1448
01:03:57,576 --> 01:03:59,545
And I just realized something...
1449
01:04:00,811 --> 01:04:02,348
That I was very ungrateful
1450
01:04:03,315 --> 01:04:05,315
for a lot of great things
in my life
1451
01:04:05,317 --> 01:04:06,719
to a lot of great people.
1452
01:04:07,953 --> 01:04:09,555
Thank you for that, Jerry.
1453
01:04:10,856 --> 01:04:12,325
No charge, sir.
1454
01:04:13,725 --> 01:04:14,760
No charge.
1455
01:04:17,229 --> 01:04:18,464
[smooth jazz]
1456
01:04:19,265 --> 01:04:23,470
♪ Then one morning
You looked into the mirror ♪
1457
01:04:23,736 --> 01:04:27,774
♪ And you noticed
All the years of fear... ♪
1458
01:04:29,941 --> 01:04:31,741
[Jerry] We are friends, now.
1459
01:04:31,743 --> 01:04:32,643
You need some sugar.
1460
01:04:32,645 --> 01:04:35,315
Give me a good luck hug!
[hearty laughter]
1461
01:04:35,748 --> 01:04:40,487
♪ That's something
I'll never know ♪
1462
01:04:41,020 --> 01:04:45,725
♪ The last thing I remember
I said hello ♪
1463
01:04:47,027 --> 01:04:50,929
♪ Where did my time go? ♪
1464
01:04:50,931 --> 01:04:52,529
[applause]
1465
01:04:52,531 --> 01:04:56,572
- ♪ Please slow it down ♪
- [cheering]
1466
01:04:57,838 --> 01:05:01,776
♪ Help me keep my feet
On the ground... ♪
1467
01:05:05,380 --> 01:05:07,749
- [Julie indistinct]
- [cheers]
1468
01:05:09,684 --> 01:05:11,917
[grunts] The fuck,
were you waiting there?
1469
01:05:11,919 --> 01:05:13,885
What's the matter with you?
I thought you were dead!
1470
01:05:13,887 --> 01:05:15,988
- What do you mean, "dead"?
- That you weren't coming.
1471
01:05:15,990 --> 01:05:17,490
- I told you I was.
- [cheers]
1472
01:05:17,492 --> 01:05:19,524
I know. Hang on, listen,
you're going last.
1473
01:05:19,526 --> 01:05:21,661
I don't wanna go last,
that's a lot of pressure.
1474
01:05:21,663 --> 01:05:22,962
I know, but it's the best spot.
1475
01:05:22,964 --> 01:05:25,801
You'll be phenomenal.
You're going last.
1476
01:05:26,701 --> 01:05:28,734
- That's Joseph Rogers.
- Yeah, don't...
1477
01:05:28,736 --> 01:05:31,404
- Let me ask him a question.
- Look, Simon, Simon...
1478
01:05:31,406 --> 01:05:33,609
- Excuse me, Joseph?
- [cheers and applause]
1479
01:05:34,810 --> 01:05:35,745
Mr. Rogers.
1480
01:05:39,681 --> 01:05:42,551
Mr. Rogers, can I just ask you
a question? Please?
1481
01:05:43,752 --> 01:05:45,555
[sighs] What?
1482
01:05:45,921 --> 01:05:47,322
You've been writing a column
1483
01:05:47,324 --> 01:05:48,691
for as long
as I've been doing this,
1484
01:05:49,092 --> 01:05:51,829
how come you've never written
anything about me?
1485
01:05:52,695 --> 01:05:54,898
'Cause I only write
about comedians.
1486
01:05:59,336 --> 01:06:00,771
[cheering]
1487
01:06:03,572 --> 01:06:06,106
I got a few beauty tips
for the girls.
1488
01:06:06,108 --> 01:06:08,710
Listen, instead of getting
Botox in your forehead
1489
01:06:08,712 --> 01:06:10,678
like all the pinup gals do,
1490
01:06:10,680 --> 01:06:12,881
um, I recommend bangs.
1491
01:06:12,883 --> 01:06:14,449
[laughter]
1492
01:06:14,451 --> 01:06:16,854
It's a whole lot cheaper
and a lot less painful.
1493
01:06:18,788 --> 01:06:20,689
[Ed indistinct in background]
1494
01:06:20,691 --> 01:06:22,826
- You know me?
- [Mike] I know who you are.
1495
01:06:23,026 --> 01:06:24,859
Means a lot to me.
Thanks, appreciate it.
1496
01:06:24,861 --> 01:06:27,129
Don't worry about it now.
You have a great show tonight.
1497
01:06:27,131 --> 01:06:28,129
Thank you, Mr. Marino.
1498
01:06:28,131 --> 01:06:29,834
- Kill 'em.
- Thanks.
1499
01:06:31,134 --> 01:06:32,672
[applause]
1500
01:06:35,139 --> 01:06:37,139
I'm not the sock,
I'm nobody's puppet,
1501
01:06:37,141 --> 01:06:38,508
don't you be either.
1502
01:06:38,510 --> 01:06:40,345
[laughter and applause]
1503
01:06:41,146 --> 01:06:42,615
Thank you!
1504
01:06:42,947 --> 01:06:45,949
Aww! My time is up!
1505
01:06:45,951 --> 01:06:48,353
Give it up
for Julie McCollough, everybody!
1506
01:06:48,619 --> 01:06:51,757
Thank y'all very much!
Thank you for having me!
1507
01:06:53,057 --> 01:06:55,527
Thank you very much
ladies and gentlemen.
1508
01:06:56,495 --> 01:06:58,497
Have yourselves a great evening.
1509
01:06:59,631 --> 01:07:01,500
[Freddy] Give it up for him!
1510
01:07:02,868 --> 01:07:05,571
What a great crowd!
I love you! [smack]
1511
01:07:06,872 --> 01:07:10,443
Enjoy yourselves. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you so much.
1512
01:07:10,642 --> 01:07:12,678
Thank you very much,
have a good night.
1513
01:07:13,845 --> 01:07:15,514
[cheering]
1514
01:07:17,649 --> 01:07:18,984
Ladies and gentlemen,
1515
01:07:19,484 --> 01:07:20,786
this man, once he retired
1516
01:07:20,788 --> 01:07:22,454
from quarterbacking
the Miami Dolphins
1517
01:07:22,456 --> 01:07:23,822
decided to become a comedian,
1518
01:07:23,824 --> 01:07:27,057
please welcome the very,
very funny Mike Marino!
1519
01:07:27,059 --> 01:07:29,193
[cheers and applause]
1520
01:07:29,195 --> 01:07:31,431
Come on folks, make some noise!
1521
01:07:33,199 --> 01:07:34,501
Come on, let's go!
1522
01:07:39,505 --> 01:07:40,875
Thanks, appreciate it.
1523
01:07:41,474 --> 01:07:42,706
Hey folks, one more time
1524
01:07:42,708 --> 01:07:44,074
for all these
great entertainers.
1525
01:07:44,076 --> 01:07:45,611
Come on, ain't they fantastic?
1526
01:07:45,613 --> 01:07:47,015
[cheering]
1527
01:07:49,082 --> 01:07:51,017
Thank you so much
for letting me come over.
1528
01:07:51,019 --> 01:07:53,618
It's fantastic,
I'm very happy to be here.
1529
01:07:53,620 --> 01:07:55,086
My name is Mike Marino,
I'm Italian,
1530
01:07:55,088 --> 01:07:58,457
I'm from a small place in Italy
called New Jersey.
1531
01:07:58,459 --> 01:08:00,625
[laughter]
1532
01:08:00,627 --> 01:08:02,028
Yeah, make sure you laugh
at what I say,
1533
01:08:02,030 --> 01:08:04,966
I ain't even a comedian,
this is community service.
1534
01:08:06,667 --> 01:08:07,899
I like being Italian.
1535
01:08:07,901 --> 01:08:09,503
Growing up, a lot
of people never believed
1536
01:08:09,505 --> 01:08:10,904
that I came
from an Italian family
1537
01:08:10,906 --> 01:08:13,005
'cause I'm light skinned
and have blue eyes.
1538
01:08:13,007 --> 01:08:15,074
Tell you people in this room
right now, full-blood Italian,
1539
01:08:15,076 --> 01:08:17,913
both my parents born in Italy.
And I can prove that.
1540
01:08:18,247 --> 01:08:20,714
[laughter]
1541
01:08:20,716 --> 01:08:22,715
I'm 55 years old,
1542
01:08:22,717 --> 01:08:24,718
and I still live at home
with my ma.
1543
01:08:24,720 --> 01:08:27,023
[laughter and applause]
1544
01:08:31,659 --> 01:08:33,862
Don't worry about it,
I see it in your face.
1545
01:08:33,864 --> 01:08:36,734
You're gonna have a good set,
don't worry about it.
1546
01:08:37,100 --> 01:08:38,232
- Alright?
- Thanks.
1547
01:08:38,234 --> 01:08:40,768
[Mike indistinct]
1548
01:08:40,770 --> 01:08:42,606
Get 'em! Break a leg!
1549
01:08:43,507 --> 01:08:45,075
[laughter]
1550
01:08:46,609 --> 01:08:48,009
We think we need to involve
Italian people
1551
01:08:48,011 --> 01:08:49,743
in more things in this world,
we wouldn't have
1552
01:08:49,745 --> 01:08:51,545
half the problems
we've got, right?
1553
01:08:51,547 --> 01:08:53,014
- [audience] Yeah!
- Think about it.
1554
01:08:53,016 --> 01:08:55,517
I don't like what the president
is doing in the U.S.
1555
01:08:55,519 --> 01:08:56,885
We need a nice,
Italian president
1556
01:08:56,887 --> 01:08:58,621
from New Jersey to take over.
1557
01:08:58,623 --> 01:09:00,826
- [audience] Yeah!
- I'd make a great president.
1558
01:09:01,558 --> 01:09:02,891
I was running
for a year and a half,
1559
01:09:02,893 --> 01:09:04,894
I shoulda been in there,
I woulda been perfect.
1560
01:09:04,896 --> 01:09:07,966
"Make America Italian Again,"
that's the slogan.
1561
01:09:10,668 --> 01:09:11,937
That's right.
1562
01:09:12,637 --> 01:09:13,969
I had great ideas.
1563
01:09:13,971 --> 01:09:15,738
I wouldn't have even needed
four years.
1564
01:09:15,740 --> 01:09:17,072
Three months, straighten out
the whole country.
1565
01:09:17,074 --> 01:09:18,640
Done, perfect.
1566
01:09:18,642 --> 01:09:20,041
They'd ask me questions,
1567
01:09:20,043 --> 01:09:22,645
like how did I end wars
in foreign countries.
1568
01:09:22,647 --> 01:09:24,280
"Hey Mr. President,
you took care
1569
01:09:24,282 --> 01:09:27,249
of that problem in North Korea,
can you tell us what you did?"
1570
01:09:27,251 --> 01:09:28,918
I'd be on national television
1571
01:09:28,920 --> 01:09:30,319
dressed up
in a three-piece suit,
1572
01:09:30,321 --> 01:09:33,023
but I have my Cabinet behind me,
you know my Cabinet?
1573
01:09:33,025 --> 01:09:35,928
Anthony, Nicky,
Joey, Sally, Tony...
1574
01:09:36,928 --> 01:09:38,761
Like, "Mr. President,
what happened?"
1575
01:09:38,763 --> 01:09:41,631
I'd be like, "Oh, you mean
out there in North Korea,
1576
01:09:41,633 --> 01:09:43,001
with the guy and the thing?
1577
01:09:43,335 --> 01:09:44,802
[laughter]
1578
01:09:44,804 --> 01:09:46,038
Well, here's what happened.
1579
01:09:46,339 --> 01:09:49,676
We went out there to talk
to him, and then, uh...
1580
01:09:50,577 --> 01:09:51,842
I don't know what happened."
1581
01:09:51,844 --> 01:09:53,212
[laughter and applause]
1582
01:09:53,679 --> 01:09:54,847
Yeah.
1583
01:09:57,649 --> 01:09:58,785
"But he's gone now.
1584
01:09:59,117 --> 01:10:01,218
And there's nothing
you can do about it."
1585
01:10:01,220 --> 01:10:03,087
[laughter]
1586
01:10:03,089 --> 01:10:04,888
I always wanted
to be on television
1587
01:10:04,890 --> 01:10:06,222
during the debates.
1588
01:10:06,224 --> 01:10:08,092
'Cause if you remember
during the debates,
1589
01:10:08,094 --> 01:10:09,760
they made fun of each other
on national television,
1590
01:10:09,762 --> 01:10:11,095
and you don't do that shit.
1591
01:10:11,097 --> 01:10:12,763
That shows weakness
in foreign countries.
1592
01:10:12,765 --> 01:10:14,735
Imagine them making fun
of a guy like me.
1593
01:10:15,069 --> 01:10:17,235
Then the Master of Ceremonies
looks at me and says,
1594
01:10:17,237 --> 01:10:19,204
"Mr. Marino, Clinton and Trump
just made fun of you
1595
01:10:19,206 --> 01:10:22,644
on national television.
Would you like a rebuttal?"
1596
01:10:23,210 --> 01:10:24,645
I'd say, "Yes I would!
1597
01:10:25,311 --> 01:10:27,111
Go to a commercial break."
1598
01:10:27,113 --> 01:10:28,815
[laughter]
1599
01:10:29,682 --> 01:10:30,949
Then we come back from break,
1600
01:10:30,951 --> 01:10:32,818
you can't find
either of them anywhere.
1601
01:10:32,820 --> 01:10:34,252
[audience] Ooh!
1602
01:10:34,254 --> 01:10:35,921
[Mike] Then they look at me
and go, "What happened?"
1603
01:10:35,923 --> 01:10:38,157
I'm like, "Ah...
I don't know what happened."
1604
01:10:38,159 --> 01:10:39,128
[laughter]
1605
01:10:43,198 --> 01:10:44,831
"But they're gone now,
1606
01:10:44,833 --> 01:10:46,902
and there's nothing
you can do about it."
1607
01:10:47,901 --> 01:10:49,137
[cheers and applause]
1608
01:10:49,738 --> 01:10:50,873
C'mon, people.
1609
01:10:56,145 --> 01:10:58,147
- [Mike continues indistinct]
- It's ok.
1610
01:10:58,947 --> 01:10:59,915
It's ok.
1611
01:11:00,916 --> 01:11:02,352
We know you want
to be a comedian.
1612
01:11:03,285 --> 01:11:05,155
And you're talented.
You're funny.
1613
01:11:05,754 --> 01:11:09,088
You are a funny man,
you're going to perform tonight.
1614
01:11:09,090 --> 01:11:11,760
You are a very funny man.
I know it!
1615
01:11:12,128 --> 01:11:14,161
[laughter]
1616
01:11:14,163 --> 01:11:17,698
Folks, I actually just came back
from doing a USO comedy tour.
1617
01:11:17,700 --> 01:11:20,200
I went to Afghanistan,
Baghdad, Kuwait.
1618
01:11:20,202 --> 01:11:22,106
I went to go entertain
the troops.
1619
01:11:22,438 --> 01:11:23,773
Right?
1620
01:11:25,741 --> 01:11:26,975
Now, if you guys remember,
1621
01:11:26,977 --> 01:11:28,877
when we first went
to war out there,
1622
01:11:28,879 --> 01:11:30,211
France didn't want
to help America.
1623
01:11:30,213 --> 01:11:31,215
Y'all remember that?
1624
01:11:31,447 --> 01:11:33,181
France didn't want
to help America.
1625
01:11:33,183 --> 01:11:35,850
So I told the troops
if I ran the country
1626
01:11:35,852 --> 01:11:37,785
and France didn't want
to help America,
1627
01:11:37,787 --> 01:11:40,055
I'd cut the head off
the Statue of Liberty
1628
01:11:40,057 --> 01:11:42,193
and send it back to France
as a warning.
1629
01:11:42,392 --> 01:11:44,994
[laughter]
1630
01:11:44,996 --> 01:11:47,096
People, don't make me
paint a picture for you.
1631
01:11:47,098 --> 01:11:48,798
Imagine the French ambassador
1632
01:11:48,800 --> 01:11:50,331
seeing the head
of the Statue of Liberty
1633
01:11:50,333 --> 01:11:52,170
come floating back in on a boat.
1634
01:11:53,136 --> 01:11:54,937
Ok, but there's no body parts,
1635
01:11:54,939 --> 01:11:57,740
just a head all fucked up
with an icepick in the eye.
1636
01:11:57,742 --> 01:11:59,208
[laughter]
1637
01:11:59,210 --> 01:12:00,809
That's sending a message.
1638
01:12:00,811 --> 01:12:02,178
[audience] Oh!
1639
01:12:02,180 --> 01:12:04,013
C'mon you wanna talk
about discrimination?
1640
01:12:04,015 --> 01:12:06,348
Whenever the Italians are
on television or movies,
1641
01:12:06,350 --> 01:12:07,819
what do they make us play?
1642
01:12:08,087 --> 01:12:09,452
- [audience] Mob.
- Mafia, right?
1643
01:12:09,454 --> 01:12:11,388
That's discrimination
against the Italians.
1644
01:12:11,390 --> 01:12:14,291
And all I ever wanted to play
was a mob boss in a mob movie
1645
01:12:14,293 --> 01:12:16,826
and I've been in two of 'em,
and in both of them
1646
01:12:16,828 --> 01:12:18,961
I was the Irish cop
that got whacked
1647
01:12:18,963 --> 01:12:20,296
in the first 60 seconds.
1648
01:12:20,298 --> 01:12:21,934
[laughter]
1649
01:12:23,935 --> 01:12:25,501
Get the Italians
are on some better shows.
1650
01:12:25,503 --> 01:12:27,269
You know,
more educational type shows
1651
01:12:27,271 --> 01:12:28,240
for the children.
1652
01:12:29,240 --> 01:12:30,307
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1653
01:12:30,309 --> 01:12:32,009
You guys remember the movie
The Sixth Sense?
1654
01:12:32,011 --> 01:12:33,443
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
1655
01:12:33,445 --> 01:12:35,378
That would be a good place
for an Italian actor.
1656
01:12:35,380 --> 01:12:38,185
Because then that little boy
would've been considered a rat.
1657
01:12:38,383 --> 01:12:39,719
[laughter]
1658
01:12:40,853 --> 01:12:43,153
Think about it, he woulda went,
"I see dead people!"
1659
01:12:43,155 --> 01:12:44,522
Guy woulda said,
"Shut the fuck up.
1660
01:12:44,524 --> 01:12:45,890
You don't see nobody.
1661
01:12:45,892 --> 01:12:46,991
[laughter]
1662
01:12:46,993 --> 01:12:48,262
We buried them good.
1663
01:12:49,128 --> 01:12:51,128
Next dead person you gonna see
gonna be you.
1664
01:12:51,130 --> 01:12:52,497
Now go look for yourself."
1665
01:12:52,499 --> 01:12:53,734
- [laughter]
- [audience] Ohh!
1666
01:12:55,134 --> 01:12:58,870
[Mike] And naturally you people
know most of the craziest trials
1667
01:12:58,872 --> 01:13:00,972
come out of California.
Don't they, folks?
1668
01:13:00,974 --> 01:13:03,141
You see the trials
that come out of California:
1669
01:13:03,143 --> 01:13:06,278
O.J. Simpson, Laci Peterson,
Robert Blake...
1670
01:13:06,280 --> 01:13:08,012
Even the whole
Michael Jackson trial
1671
01:13:08,014 --> 01:13:09,950
to me was like
a California event.
1672
01:13:10,151 --> 01:13:11,917
'Cause I always tell
the people there
1673
01:13:11,919 --> 01:13:13,519
if they ever killed anybody
from New York or New Jersey,
1674
01:13:13,521 --> 01:13:16,124
that shit never
would've made it to a trial.
1675
01:13:16,322 --> 01:13:18,090
[audience] Ooh!
1676
01:13:18,092 --> 01:13:20,028
C'mon people, don't make me
paint a picture for you here.
1677
01:13:20,862 --> 01:13:24,734
Imagine if O.J. Simpson killed
someone from an Italian family.
1678
01:13:25,065 --> 01:13:27,267
That judge woulda asked
the family one time,
1679
01:13:27,269 --> 01:13:30,473
"Does the family
wish to press charges?"
1680
01:13:31,005 --> 01:13:33,007
Family woulda went, "Ha ha ha...
1681
01:13:34,341 --> 01:13:35,310
No.
1682
01:13:36,278 --> 01:13:37,446
Let him go."
1683
01:13:38,046 --> 01:13:39,749
Yeah, "We forgive him.
1684
01:13:40,549 --> 01:13:43,951
Better yet, judge,
we'll drive him home from here.
1685
01:13:43,953 --> 01:13:45,885
[laughter]
1686
01:13:45,887 --> 01:13:49,258
Vinny! Get the bat,
O.J. is coming over."
1687
01:13:49,992 --> 01:13:51,925
That's my time, you guys
have been a great crowd.
1688
01:13:51,927 --> 01:13:53,160
- I'm Mike Marino.
- [cheering]
1689
01:13:53,162 --> 01:13:54,765
Thank you very much, folks.
1690
01:13:55,131 --> 01:13:56,897
- Thank you, buddy.
- Appreciate it.
1691
01:13:56,899 --> 01:13:58,301
Mike Marino, everybody!
1692
01:14:04,006 --> 01:14:05,342
Mike Marino!
1693
01:14:07,909 --> 01:14:09,310
Mike Marino,
ladies and gentlemen.
1694
01:14:09,312 --> 01:14:11,846
That man is going places.
Is he funny or what?
1695
01:14:11,848 --> 01:14:12,984
[all] Yeah!
1696
01:14:14,951 --> 01:14:16,220
Alright, now...
1697
01:14:17,454 --> 01:14:20,224
Now I have to tell you
that this last guest
1698
01:14:21,158 --> 01:14:23,058
warms my heart,
that I have the opportunity
1699
01:14:23,060 --> 01:14:25,126
to be on this stage
in my own place
1700
01:14:25,128 --> 01:14:26,497
and do this introduction.
1701
01:14:27,097 --> 01:14:30,232
Ladies and gentlemen,
in his Basement debut,
1702
01:14:30,234 --> 01:14:33,435
my personal friend Simon McCabe.
1703
01:14:33,437 --> 01:14:34,569
Give it up for Simon!
1704
01:14:34,571 --> 01:14:36,307
[cheering]
1705
01:14:41,478 --> 01:14:42,914
Simon!
1706
01:14:54,558 --> 01:14:56,927
Thank you very much,
it's very kind of you.
1707
01:14:56,929 --> 01:14:59,495
So, ladies and gentlemen,
if you were to win the lottery,
1708
01:14:59,497 --> 01:15:00,931
or you make a lot of money,
1709
01:15:00,933 --> 01:15:02,531
what's the first thing
you're gonna do?
1710
01:15:02,533 --> 01:15:04,002
You're gonna buy a car.
1711
01:15:05,136 --> 01:15:06,973
A nice car
if you're a guy, right?
1712
01:15:07,305 --> 01:15:09,373
So this penguin
wins a million dollars...
1713
01:15:09,375 --> 01:15:11,010
[laughter]
1714
01:15:11,943 --> 01:15:14,912
...and he buys
a brand new 2018 Camaro.
1715
01:15:14,914 --> 01:15:16,646
It's gorgeous, it's beautiful.
1716
01:15:16,648 --> 01:15:18,080
He loves this car.
1717
01:15:18,082 --> 01:15:19,382
So he's driving on a highway,
1718
01:15:19,384 --> 01:15:21,619
and he hears a knock
on the engine.
1719
01:15:21,621 --> 01:15:23,290
It's about 11:55 a.m.
1720
01:15:23,622 --> 01:15:27,458
So he goes to a GM dealership,
which was right off the highway.
1721
01:15:27,460 --> 01:15:29,262
And he goes, "Listen...
1722
01:15:29,628 --> 01:15:31,098
[laughter]
1723
01:15:34,134 --> 01:15:35,666
...there's a knock
on the fucking engine.
1724
01:15:35,668 --> 01:15:39,003
I love this car. I love it,
it's my first serious car."
1725
01:15:39,005 --> 01:15:41,004
So the service advisor says,
1726
01:15:41,006 --> 01:15:42,942
"Listen, it's 11:55,
it's a union shop,
1727
01:15:43,243 --> 01:15:44,943
everybody goes to lunch
at twelve o'clock.
1728
01:15:44,945 --> 01:15:46,946
There's a Dairy Queen across
the street, go over there.
1729
01:15:46,948 --> 01:15:50,151
Get yourself an ice cream.
After lunch we'll look at it."
1730
01:15:50,551 --> 01:15:51,887
Penguin goes, "Ok."
1731
01:15:52,352 --> 01:15:53,551
[laughter]
1732
01:15:53,553 --> 01:15:55,554
Goes across,
one o'clock he shuffles back,
1733
01:15:55,556 --> 01:15:58,260
he's got this triple-decker
vanilla ice cream.
1734
01:15:59,459 --> 01:16:00,494
Goes to the guy,
1735
01:16:01,462 --> 01:16:03,261
"Did you get a chance
to look at my car?"
1736
01:16:03,263 --> 01:16:05,030
Goes, "Yeah, it looks like
you blew a seal."
1737
01:16:05,032 --> 01:16:07,435
He goes "Fuck you! All I'm doing
is licking the ice cream."
1738
01:16:10,605 --> 01:16:12,208
Thank you. You're very kind.
1739
01:16:19,047 --> 01:16:21,180
So a friend of mine...
1740
01:16:21,182 --> 01:16:22,716
Any dog people?
You guys like dogs?
1741
01:16:22,718 --> 01:16:24,186
- Yeah!
- Yes.
1742
01:16:24,453 --> 01:16:26,185
You can tell a lot
about a human being
1743
01:16:26,187 --> 01:16:27,420
if they're a dog guy.
1744
01:16:27,422 --> 01:16:29,021
But some people
get carried away,
1745
01:16:29,023 --> 01:16:30,390
everybody thinks
their dog's the smartest.
1746
01:16:30,392 --> 01:16:31,757
They post them on Facebook...
1747
01:16:31,759 --> 01:16:33,461
But this guy
took his dog everywhere.
1748
01:16:33,463 --> 01:16:35,096
So he's in a bar
and his friend goes,
1749
01:16:35,098 --> 01:16:36,529
"You know, it's a little weird
1750
01:16:36,531 --> 01:16:38,099
that you go everywhere
with your dog."
1751
01:16:38,101 --> 01:16:40,570
He goes,
"My dog is a fucking genius.
1752
01:16:41,004 --> 01:16:42,569
My dog can do anything."
1753
01:16:42,571 --> 01:16:44,672
The guy goes "Really?" Guy goes,
"Watch this. Rover, come here.
1754
01:16:44,674 --> 01:16:46,207
Go get me a gin and tonic."
1755
01:16:46,209 --> 01:16:48,211
[pants] "Alright."
Dog goes to the bar...
1756
01:16:50,379 --> 01:16:52,214
[chuckling]
1757
01:16:52,781 --> 01:16:54,347
He goes,
"What are you drinking?"
1758
01:16:54,349 --> 01:16:56,450
"Very dry martini,
dirty, with one olive."
1759
01:16:56,452 --> 01:16:59,588
"Rover, dry martini,
dirty with one olive."
1760
01:16:59,590 --> 01:17:00,688
[pants] "Alright."
1761
01:17:00,690 --> 01:17:02,961
[laughter]
1762
01:17:05,662 --> 01:17:08,629
So guy says, "Big fuck. Your dog
knows how to make drinks."
1763
01:17:08,631 --> 01:17:10,565
He goes, "My dog's a genius,
he can do anything."
1764
01:17:10,567 --> 01:17:12,034
He goes,
"Let's put him to the test.
1765
01:17:12,036 --> 01:17:13,270
I'll give him 20 dollars,
1766
01:17:13,470 --> 01:17:16,574
tell him to get me
a small Marlborough.
1767
01:17:17,306 --> 01:17:20,244
Regular. And bring me back
the exact change."
1768
01:17:20,444 --> 01:17:22,014
"Rover, 20 bucks,
1769
01:17:22,413 --> 01:17:24,546
small Marlborough, regular.
1770
01:17:24,548 --> 01:17:25,781
Bring back the change."
1771
01:17:25,783 --> 01:17:27,385
[pants] "Alright". Dog leaves.
1772
01:17:28,653 --> 01:17:30,585
Fifteen minutes,
twenty minutes goes by,
1773
01:17:30,587 --> 01:17:33,321
guy goes, "You know what?
Your dog's fucked,
1774
01:17:33,323 --> 01:17:35,791
he's stupid, he's just a dog,
and I lost 20 bucks."
1775
01:17:35,793 --> 01:17:37,692
He goes,
"No way. Something's wrong.
1776
01:17:37,694 --> 01:17:39,295
My dog wouldn't do this."
1777
01:17:39,297 --> 01:17:41,063
So they go looking for him
all over the place.
1778
01:17:41,065 --> 01:17:42,464
Finally get to a park...
1779
01:17:42,466 --> 01:17:44,367
"Rover, Rover!"
They looked and there's Rover
1780
01:17:44,369 --> 01:17:46,569
banging the hell
out of this French poodle.
1781
01:17:46,571 --> 01:17:48,104
[laughter]
1782
01:17:48,106 --> 01:17:49,473
So guy taps him
on the back goes,
1783
01:17:49,475 --> 01:17:51,140
"Rover, you never did
this before."
1784
01:17:51,142 --> 01:17:52,511
[pants] "I never had the money."
1785
01:17:54,146 --> 01:17:55,315
Thank you.
1786
01:17:57,216 --> 01:17:59,018
[cheering]
1787
01:18:00,485 --> 01:18:02,187
Simon McCabe!
1788
01:18:03,689 --> 01:18:05,158
[jazz music]
1789
01:18:20,307 --> 01:18:22,576
♪ I know we've been down
This long road ♪
1790
01:18:26,146 --> 01:18:29,383
♪ And here's something
That I've been told ♪
1791
01:18:32,219 --> 01:18:35,456
♪ Everyone makes
So many mistakes ♪
1792
01:18:37,657 --> 01:18:41,529
♪ So tell me, honey
What it's gonna take ♪
1793
01:18:43,798 --> 01:18:47,435
♪ Because sometimes
Things change, I know ♪
1794
01:18:49,737 --> 01:18:55,176
♪ And sometimes
Things never seem the same ♪
1795
01:19:01,483 --> 01:19:05,354
♪ Can you just take me
Seriously? ♪
1796
01:19:07,221 --> 01:19:08,687
♪ Can you just grab my hand ♪
1797
01:19:08,689 --> 01:19:12,527
♪ And give me
One more opportunity ♪
1798
01:19:13,561 --> 01:19:18,434
♪ Because everyone ♪
1799
01:19:19,333 --> 01:19:23,106
♪ Has a moment of grace ♪
1800
01:19:23,306 --> 01:19:25,238
♪ Save face ♪
1801
01:19:25,240 --> 01:19:28,645
♪ Sometimes the wind blows
The branch all the way back ♪
1802
01:19:30,913 --> 01:19:34,350
♪ And it just can't hold on
And it snaps ♪
1803
01:19:37,319 --> 01:19:39,288
♪ But I'm saying our love ♪
1804
01:19:39,556 --> 01:19:41,859
♪ Has a destiny ♪
1805
01:19:42,824 --> 01:19:45,796
♪ And it's something
That you and me ♪
1806
01:19:46,230 --> 01:19:48,398
♪ Can see ♪
1807
01:19:49,532 --> 01:19:52,536
♪ Sometimes things change
I know... ♪
1808
01:19:55,438 --> 01:19:56,805
I just sold my first car
1809
01:19:56,807 --> 01:19:58,707
and I totally grossed
the piss out of this guy.
1810
01:19:58,709 --> 01:19:59,808
And cut. Keep rolling.
1811
01:19:59,810 --> 01:20:00,809
Do it again.
1812
01:20:00,811 --> 01:20:01,976
-You pissed the gross...
1813
01:20:01,978 --> 01:20:03,912
- I pissed the gross
right out of him.
1814
01:20:03,914 --> 01:20:05,814
- You got it?
- Can you do another one?
1815
01:20:05,816 --> 01:20:07,082
- No.
- [beep]
1816
01:20:07,084 --> 01:20:09,452
I don't believe in that shit.
You've got to make a right here.
1817
01:20:09,454 --> 01:20:11,654
Yeah, but this goes north.
I want to go south.
1818
01:20:11,656 --> 01:20:13,388
Yeah, so we can't go south
this way,
1819
01:20:13,390 --> 01:20:14,423
- I fucked up.
- [beep]
1820
01:20:14,425 --> 01:20:16,458
Why are we fucking talking?
1821
01:20:16,460 --> 01:20:17,695
What's going on here?
1822
01:20:18,429 --> 01:20:20,696
What's going on here?
Didn't you say "action"?
1823
01:20:20,698 --> 01:20:21,897
- Yeah.
- [beep]
1824
01:20:21,899 --> 01:20:23,399
Keep that fucking thing up
there, brother.
1825
01:20:23,401 --> 01:20:24,833
I love you. I don't wanna...
1826
01:20:24,835 --> 01:20:26,535
it's not a Canadian movie
where we'll get knocked out
1827
01:20:26,537 --> 01:20:28,303
- with a fucking boom.
- [beep]
1828
01:20:28,305 --> 01:20:30,306
I haven't been to bed yet, guys.
1829
01:20:30,308 --> 01:20:31,642
How can I fucking work
without sleep, dude?
1830
01:20:31,644 --> 01:20:33,310
- Who can remember all this shit?
- [beep]
1831
01:20:33,312 --> 01:20:34,848
Action! Action.
1832
01:20:35,348 --> 01:20:36,480
Start again.
1833
01:20:36,482 --> 01:20:37,748
Do it again, do it again.
Hang on.
1834
01:20:37,750 --> 01:20:40,017
- I want it to be fluid, ok?
- Ok.
1835
01:20:40,019 --> 01:20:41,317
- Action.
- [beep]
1836
01:20:41,319 --> 01:20:42,555
See this here?
1837
01:20:42,854 --> 01:20:44,454
You know I love you, right?
1838
01:20:44,456 --> 01:20:46,522
But every time you do this,
it gets lower and lower.
1839
01:20:46,524 --> 01:20:48,258
- You trying to kill me?
- [beep]
1840
01:20:48,260 --> 01:20:49,862
Your favorite wine, Simon?
1841
01:20:50,263 --> 01:20:51,495
Please.
1842
01:20:51,497 --> 01:20:52,896
Fuck it. Do it again.
1843
01:20:52,898 --> 01:20:54,831
I'm not going to see it,
but she's going to see it.
1844
01:20:54,833 --> 01:20:56,334
[beep]
1845
01:20:56,336 --> 01:20:58,372
I need menus, and I need
two more of these.
1846
01:20:59,472 --> 01:21:02,339
- [beep]
- Get out of my shot, people.
1847
01:21:02,341 --> 01:21:04,511
- [beep]
- Hey Ed, I can hear you.
1848
01:21:05,345 --> 01:21:06,777
- Ed, I can hear you.
- [beep]
1849
01:21:06,779 --> 01:21:07,881
What's happening, bro?
1850
01:21:08,382 --> 01:21:10,618
- [Simon] Sun tanning my balls.
- [laughs]
1851
01:21:11,917 --> 01:21:13,351
- [beep]
- [laughing]
1852
01:21:13,353 --> 01:21:15,288
What a world they live in.
1853
01:21:16,657 --> 01:21:18,391
[music crescendo]
1854
01:21:19,526 --> 01:21:21,363
♪ I believe ♪
1855
01:21:23,698 --> 01:21:27,369
♪ Can you just take me
Seriously? ♪
1856
01:21:27,371 --> 01:21:29,695
Subtitles by explosiveskull
1856
01:21:30,305 --> 01:21:36,427
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