All language subtitles for The Goldbergs (2013) - 03x15 - Weird Al.

Adult Adam: Back in the '80s,

everyone had their favorite
guitar-shredding rock god.

But there's only one musical bad boy

who rocked my world...

Weird Al.

Dare to be stupid?

You know it!

Weird Al made me want to write comedy.

The way he'd parody a pop song
never ceased to amaze me.

Is that my Cher wig from Halloween?

Darn right.

Can I borrow some hair spray?
I think I need more body.

You are so weird.

Weird Al even inspired me
to write my own parody songs.

Good news, bro.

I've decided to honor you in song.

It's about time!

You know the Wang Chung song
"Everybody have fun tonight"?

Well, I changed all the lyrics
to make them all about you.

Ahh, you've improved
the song. Let's hear it.

♪ Everybody have fun tonight ♪

♪ my brother Barry is a Wang tonight ♪

♪ Barry's gonna kick your ass tonight ♪

Yep, Weird Al was my comic muse,

and I finally had
the chance to see him live.

Mom, I have the single-greatest
news on the planet.

You have that terrible disease
that makes you stop growing,

and you're gonna stay my
little Schmoopie forever.

No. Weird Al is playing
at the Mann music center.

And you want to take your
mama as your date. Aww.

Stop hearing what you want and listen.

He has two shows this week,

and Dana's in town visiting her grandma.

I'll surprise her with tickets!

While I find his Hawaiian shirts festive.

You're much too young

to go to a family-friendly
comedy show unsupervised.

Please, you have to say yes.
Dana's the love of my life.

[Groans]

I mean, after you.

[Groans]

The best mama in the world.

[Groans]

I'll let you sniff the top
of my head for two seconds.

- 30.
- 5.

- 10.
- 5.

- 30.
- Done.

♪

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ but nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

Synced and corrected by Nest0r
www.addic7ed.com

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ but the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was February 12, 1980-something...

The day my brother actually
got involved in school.

- What's that?
- Just a lame old sign-up sheet

for kids that want to
become peer counselors.

[Chuckles] It's a boring
old club for nerds.

You're not a nerd, are you?

'Cause this here... This is nerd city.

Sign me up.
- What? No.

You're underselling it,

which means it's awesome, and I want in.

[Sighs]

Look, Mr. Goldberg, I
have dreamt of starting

a peer-counseling program
at this school for years.

I need emotionally mature students

who are a healing presence in school.

Well, you just got yourself

an officially licensed school therapist.

No! Wow. Do not tell people that.

It's too late. I signed the sheet,

which means I can advise
anyone on anything,

and they have to listen to me.

That's not what it means.

Fellas, I've recently become
a fully licensed and bonded

medical psychiatrist,
so if any of you want

to work through your personal
issues, this is your safe space.

I really miss my grandpa.

You're short, be taller. Boom. Next!

There's this girl I like,

but she won't give me the time of day.

Well, that's 'cause you
suck at nunchucks, Bro.

The fastest way to a girl's
heart is some sweet 'chuckin'.

Boom. Next!

I feel like my father doesn't respect me.

So be less boring.

- Boom! Next!
- No, stop!

No one listen to a word
this douche-monger just said.

Naked Rob, just open up to your Dad a bit.

Nothing earns respect more

than being honest with how you feel.

And, Andy, it's perfectly
normal to miss your grandpa,

no matter what size you are.

And, you, this girl, who's clearly me,

just wants to be friends.

My heart hurts, but I appreciate
the open communication,

and it only makes me like you more.

Well, well.

God gives you one Goldberg
and counters it with another.

You're right. She's the worst.

JTP out.

Erica, look, I'm not gonna
beat around the bush about this.

I need you to become a peer counselor.

You're smart, you're
popular, and only you can undo

the terrible damage that your brother

is going to wreak upon this school.

I appreciate the offer, but...

I'll give you an "A"
in any class you want.

What? You can do that?

Open up a file cabinet and
make a mark with my pen?

[Chuckles] Yeah, I can do that.

Seems wrong to give me an "A" in gym

when I've been cutting all year.

That said, I won't notice

'cause I'll be too busy
counseling peers and stuff.

[Chuckles] Deal.

[Milk carton clatters] Here's
your informational binder

and your therapy puppet.

This is usually for smaller kids,

but the burners like it, too. [Chuckles]

As Erica was getting ready
to connect with others,

I was about to reconnect
with the love of my life.

Hi, Mrs. Goldberg.

Dana.

I brought you some coffee
beans from Seattle.

Aww. That is so thoughtful
for someone who drinks coffee.

I don't. I'm a tea drinker.

You've known me for two years,

but thanks for the partial gift, Dana.

That's very sweet. [Chuckles]

Adam, Dana brought me a bag of beans!

Dana Eleanor Caldwell, are you
ready for the greatest,

most-romantic weekend of your life?

[Giggles] In this box,
I've prepared our greatest hits,

and we're gonna tackle each one.

Laser tag, "Alf" marathon,

"Super Mario Bros.",

Pogo Ball.

You in?

Um, sure, it's been a while.

Come on! Pogo balling
is just like riding a bike.

Oh! We should also ride bikes.

Classic us. [Giggles]

But to our surprise,

our greatest hits suddenly
felt like misses.

Pogoing on a ball is fun.

Well, it's kind of hard in these jellies.

But they're cute, right? [Chuckles]

Yeah, they're shoes.

We were off to a slow start,

but a romantic Beefaroni
dinner would change that.

Is it me, or did your tree
house get smaller?

No. Same size.

Guess it's us who got bigger.

You want an Ecto cooler?

Chef Boyardee himself
recommends it with the beef.

Yeah, I'm just gonna grab a Perrier.

Balls!

Maybe I should spend
a little time with my grandma.

No, wait!

I actually have a big surprise for you.

You and me are going to our first
rock concert together!

No way! Who is it?

Only the greatest artist of our time.

- Madonna?
- Better!

- The police?
- Better!

Michael Jackson?!

Well, he's worked with all three,

but in a way, he's improved their work

by making it super funny!

[Gasps] Weird Al Yankovic!

The guy who sings about food.

Sure, some songs are about food,
like "Eat It", "Lasagna",

"I Love Rocky Road", and "My Bologna".

But he also sings about love
and life and hernias!

I didn't realize you were still into him.

And the best part...

I got us Al shirts to wear to the concert.

Ladies' choice. [Chuckles]

But if I were a lady,

I'd want to see my man
in a jungle tiger pattern.

Rawr!

As I was planning our big date,

Erica helped Naked Rob
make a big breakthrough.

I can't thank you enough
for all the help with my dad.

I really think we turned a corner.

That's my job, Naked
Robert. I'm here for you.

So great to have someone
I can trust and...

- How dare you!
- What?!

Healing my nutjob friends behind my back?

You're not legally authorized for that.

- Only I am!
- Not anymore, pal.

Mr. Glascott asked me, and you know what?

It feels awesome to actually help people.

Unlike you, who just leaves
behind a wake of broken souls.

All you did was charm Naked
Rob with your feminine wiles.

If it was anyone else, I'd
totally out-counsel you.

It's adorable you think that.

Then I challenge you to a counsel-off.

Name anyone.

First one to fix that person's brain

is crowned champion advicer.

First of all, not a word,

and second, when you lose, you quit.

Same goes for you, sucker.

Go ahead. Pick anybody.

The more depressed, the better.

Do you even know what the signs
of depression actually are?

Of course!

I just need you to say them so
you can understand them better.

[Sighs] Fine. Number one... fatigue.

Will you two stop yapping?
I'm exhausted from a hard day.

Number two... lethargy.

[Groaning] Oh, so far.

Number three... Irritability.

I told you two morons... put
the remote in the side pocket!

Four... persistent aches and pains.

[Groans] Oh, now I hurt
my back from stretching!

Five... mood swings.

Eh, "Love Boat's" on!

And finally, sudden exhaustion.

[Snoring]

- Dad!
- Dad!

All right, first one to fix

that man's crippling depression wins.

This is gonna be really hard.

[Snoring]

As Erica and Barry
were playing therapist,

Dana and I were playing
"Mario Brothers",

but even though we
were on the same side,

we felt miles apart.

Hey, snuggle bunny... and also Dana.

Gear up, we're gonna
leave in five minutes.

Even though we all agree

Adam should be taking me
to his first comedy concert.

The good news is Adam will
be all yours soon enough.

What do you mean?

Look at how they're playing
"Super Immigrant Plumbers."

Their thumbs are in it,
but their hearts aren't.

No way. Adam and Dana
are as solid as ever.

Did you see them Pogo Ball?

That's a sport for lovers,

and they were just going
through the motions.

Oh, my god. No!

Adam and Dana are so wonderful together!

Since when do you like Dana?

I adore the girl.

Got to say, I'm surprised,

given all the
passive-aggressive interactions,

not to mention the
aggressive-aggressive ones.

But deep down, I think she's
sweet and kind and beautiful,

and it helps that she
lives 3,000 miles away

and I get Adam 98% of the time!

That's the whole problem
right there, Bevy.

They've been apart too long.

Let's hope that Weird
Al is just what they need

to bring them back together.

What?

[Crowd chanting "Weird Al!"]

Man: Ladies and gentlemen, Weird Al!

[Cheers and applause]

Oh, my god. This is amazing!

We got to get a photo of the two of us.

Yeah, that'd be nice!

Make sure you get Weird
Al's whole body in it.

♪

[Camera shutter clicks]

Barry and Erica's
counsel-off was on.

It was a Mano-a-Mano battle
of who could fix Dad first.

Hey, big guy.

How you feeling today? You look sad.

Are you sad? Can I help?

I'm not giving you money.

I'm not here for money.

I'm here for you.

You're afraid to open up to me.

Feels like we can tackle this
with some word association.

- You ready?
- No.

- Abandonment.
- Stop.

- Family.
- Go.

- Love.
- Leave!

You seem angry, Bro.

Know what cures me when I'm angry?

Screaming into something.

Here. Try my rage pillow.

It'll make you feel better.

What? You're supposed to yell
in it, not throw it at me!

What's the matter with you?
That's my favorite pillow!

I do feel better.

Hey, mur-man.

It's safe to tell me your dark secrets.

What's with the puppet? What's going on?

Get out of here!

You're getting sleepy. When you wake up...

What the hell's wrong with you two?

Forget what that dope's doing.

All I'm looking for is
a smile on your face.

Let me see that smile.

Yeah, smile for Barry.

No. Shut up.

Smile for Erica!

Fine.

If I smile, will you both leave?

Mm-hmm.

That's your smile? God, what is that?

- Why?
- Yeah, this is what you wanted.

It's so wrong and disturbing!

- Look at it!
- Stop it!

Look at the joy on my face!

Are you my dad?

Now get over here and hug me!

This was a terrible mistake! I'm so sorry!

No, wait! Don't leave
me alone with that face!

Oh, my god!

That's right! Run!

Okay, that didn't count.

Just pick someone else
we can counselor-ate.

Forget the competition!

Don't you realize we have
a Dad who can't even smile?

That's like an actual problem.

I see what you're saying.

You forfeit! Barry
wins. The puppet's mine.

- Forget the puppet!
- I want the puppet!

Take the stupid puppet.

I'll just help Dad myself.

Damn it. You've made
this a hollow victory.

And now I'm worried. Wait up.

As Barry and Erica were on
a mission to help my dad,

I was on a mission to meet my hero.

[Cheers and applause] Look! There he is!

His glasses are so much
bigger in real life.

People, please, please,
please, settle down.

No, we're too far back.

Come on. Let's elbow our way to the front.

Can we maybe just do
something more fun instead?

How can you say that?

Wasn't it fun when we slow-danced

to "I Think I'm A Clone Now"?

Only 'cause I like the Tiffany song.

I closed my eyes and
imagined the original lyrics.

You faked it?

I just don't like Weird
Al like I used to, okay?

Ouch!

Not gonna lie, random child.

That stings.

Oh, god. I'm sorry, Mr. Weird.

Mr. Al. She didn't mean it.

Sounded like she did, Bro.

Please don't judge me by her words.

I don't even know her. Adam!

How do you know my name, strange lady?

Seriously? You're picking him over me?

I don't know what to do!

I've never been asked to choose between

two people I love equally.

I'm so out of here.

Fine! Go!

I'll just be here cold chillin'
with my new best buddy, Al.

Ooh.

[Laughing] I really wouldn't
make me part of your plan.

Look. I didn't even want to be here.

I just wanted to hang out,

not ride bikes or play
laser tag or Pogo ball.

What are you saying?

I just don't think we
get each other anymore.

Ooh!

She looks super mad!

Kind of like that time I asked prince

if I could turn "When Doves
Cry" into "When Spuds Fry."

You know, spuds are potatoes.

No, I-it's genius.

It's just... things are so bad with Dana.

You know, sounds to me like

you and Agnes just drifted apart.

Doesn't mean you don't
love each other, Todd.

You just grew up.

As Dana was slipping away,
Erica and Barry were trying

to get a grip on my
dad's depression.

You kids made the right
choice coming to old Glascott.

Let's do this.

Well, technically, we came
to you for a recommendation.

And I recommended myself.

I come highly recommended. [Chuckles]

Look, if anyone knows the
ins and outs of depression,

it's me.

I'm proud to say that I've
slayed that dragon many a time.

Dad's coming down the
hall. Get in position.

Mr. Goldberg.

Got your call.

What'd these morons do that
I had to leave work early?

Please, have a seat, Mr. Goldberg.

We need to have a very serious
discussion about you.

Me?

Your kids are concerned

that you might have a
real case of the blues.

Luckily, I'm here to help, and so is Carl.

He's a real sad sack, too.
Why don't you two talk?

[High-pitched voice] Hey, Mr. Goldberg.

What's up, buddy?

What's with everybody and puppets?!

You can talk to me.

Is that what this is all about?

You're worried about me?

You're very moody and sleepy and angry.

And you sit a lot.

I'm not depressed.

I'm a Dad!

[Normal voice] Let me get this straight.

You don't struggle getting
out of bed every morning

- because, what's the point?
- No.

You don't desperately fear being
alone again at Thanksgiving?

No.

You've never faced the
bottom of an ice-cream pint

and thought, "Screw it. I'm going again"?

No. You don't write "Help me"

in steam on the shower door?

- What?
- Nothing.

Okay, well, look.

I'm glad that we could
help you, Mr. Goldberg.

If you guys don't mind, I
need to take a personal day.

Hey, kiddo.

I know you're hurting,
but you're never gonna

be over one girl until
you're under the next.

Whoa! Shut the [Bleep] up, Dad.

What he means is don't give up on Dana.

We can still fix this.

But Al's my number-one hero,
and I believe anything he says.

What exactly did Weird Al say to you?

All that matters is that he was right.

People change and love dies.

At that moment, all my mom wanted

was to fix my broken heart.

And so she did the
only logical thing.

Weird Al! Over here, Weird Al!

We need to talk! It's about love!

[Clatters] Who said that?

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Who is this who speaks of love?

[Sighs] Beverly Goldberg.

I'm sure you remember
my delicious boy, Adam.

Of course.

Super-tall mute dude with
dreadlocks and a droopy eye?

Please tell him I said...

No, look.

You made him think his
relationship was over,

and now you're gonna fix it.

It's not happening. Oh, it's happening.

You're gonna get on that tour bus,

take it into the suburbs,
and put on a private concert

for Adam and Dana with
all their favorite songs.

Such as?

"Every Rose Has Tts Thorn".

"Every Toe Has Its Corn"?

"The Wind Beneath My Wings".

"The Bed Above My Springs".

"Material Girl".

"Bacterial Earl"!

"Heaven Is A Place On Earth".

"Kevin Is A Dude With Girth".

"Careless Whisper".

"Your Hairless Sister".

"Fight The Power".

"Smell The Flounder"?

- Stop it.
- Listen.

A private concert isn't gonna
bring those kids back together.

But do you know what can?

A mother's love.

You think?

Yes.

Only you can fix this.

Their future is in your hands.

Thank you, Weird Al.

Thank you so much.

[Giggles]

Move it! I need to fix
my baby's relationship.

Okay, why do I even pay for security?!

She was clearly crazy, and
you just stood there! Ugh!

After some sage
advice from Weird Al,

my mom decided to put
on a show of her own.

There he is! Come on in, Smushie.

You know Dana. Have a seat.

Oh, god. What have you done?

What is this? Why are you here?

All I'm asking is for
a minute of your time.

After that, you can both
move on with your lives.

Please.

♪

Now, what I'm about to show you

was gonna be played at your wedding,

so when the day comes, act surprised.

[Chuckles]

Remember this?

Dana: Wow, I actually do.

I lost my kite, and you gave me yours.

I was so nervous talking to you.

That was the night of our first kiss.

Yeah. Best birthday ever.

Wait. Were you, like,
lurking around the whole time?

No.

Then how did you... Moving on.

Dude, were you spying on us?

What? No.

I was cleaning the
closet, and, you know...

Shh! Just focus on your love.

What the...

You took that hanging off the roof?

A photographer does what she
needs to do to get the shot.

The point is, it's
always been Adam and Dana.

You can't just throw that away.

Enough!

All those photos are in the past.

There's nothing to show now

'cause Dana lives in
Seattle and I'm stuck here.

It just... isn't the same.

He's right.

Seeing those photos,
it's... It's not us anymore.

I just wish you two
didn't leave it like this.

You deserve so much better.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I just thought I could fix it.

I'm kind of surprised.

I always thought you didn't like me.

Oh, Dana.

You'll always be the best
first love my baby could have.

Besides me, of course.

[Chuckles]

In that moment, Dana
realized my mom was right.

We couldn't leave it like this.

[Weird Al's "King Of Suede" plays]

♪ There's a sale on our
gabardine suits today ♪

[Window opens]

- ♪ They're all 30% off from yesterday ♪
- What are you doing?

This is how you won me over two years ago.

So this is how I want to say goodbye.

♪ There's fortrel polyester,
leather, wool, and tweed ♪

[Door closes]

You're playing Weird Al.

I thought you don't like him anymore.

- ♪ Just a visa or mastercard is all you need ♪
- I may have outgrown him,

but it doesn't mean I
still don't like him.

I just thought we'd be
together forever, you know?

- ♪ We got every color, we got every shade ♪
- And maybe we will,

- ♪ We're located next door to Willy's fun arcade ♪
- but for now, I think we're supposed to be apart.

- ♪ We got every fabric that was ever made♪
- That still doesn't change the fact

that you will always be my first crush.

- ♪ But I'm known in this city as the king of suede ♪
- My first kiss.

My first love.

- ♪ It's the same old sale as yesterday ♪
- You keep it. To remember me.

I will always remember you, Adam.

- ♪ 30 years in the same location I have stayed ♪
- Truth is, it wasn't how I saw things ending...

- ♪ 'Cause it's my destiny to be the king of suede♪
- ... With the girl from down the street,

but part of growing up

is learning when
it's time to move on.

- ♪ If you need a tuxedo for your junior prom ♪
- Hey, can we talk?

No.

Not about feelings.

We just want to apologize.

Yeah, we didn't realize you
being so lazy and angry

- ♪ we can get you the best one that's made in Taiwan ♪
- ... is actually you crazy happy.

I'm a simple guy. I sit
in my chair. I watch TV.

- ♪ We got jackets with patches on the elbows, too ♪
- I yell at you two morons.

And honestly, that's my happy place.

Well, it's good to know we don't
have to worry about you.

- ♪ And we'll sell 'em all factory-direct to you ♪
- Hey, that means you care.

You know, now would be a perfect time

for you to actually smile.

- Pass.
- Worth a try.

♪ Well, I never made it
past the second grade ♪

In the end, Erica and Barry
did make my dad smile,

and they also discovered there
was someone else in the house

- who could use their help.
- Hey, what's wrong?

- ♪ There's a two-for-one sale on our three-piece suits ♪
- Just packing up my greatest hits with Dana.

- ♪ Check out our suede pajamas and our suede-covered boots ♪
- It's over.

Oh, god. I-I'm so sorry.

- ♪ You can try on our suede underwear if you choose ♪
- You want to talk about it?

No.

Come on. Let's go to
Wawa. Tastykakes on me?

♪ 30 years in the same
location I have stayed ♪

- ♪ there I am, right next door to Willy's fun arcade ♪
- That's the thing about growing up...

You try to hold on to
things until you realize...

- ♪ I got tough competition, but I'm not afraid ♪
- Maybe change is a good thing, and if you're lucky,

your family is there to
guide you through it all.

♪ 'Cause it's my destiny
to be the king of suede ♪

♪

Roll it! Roll it!

Are you kidding me? No, I won't sing it!

Bar, our little brother needs
our love and support right now.

A good parody song is gonna help.

That would make me feel better.

[Groans] Fine.

1, 2, 3, 4.

♪ Everybody have fun tonight ♪

♪ my brother Barry is a Wang tonight ♪

♪ brother Barry's so dumb tonight ♪

♪ can't even tell
his left from right ♪

Barry, take it!

♪ My brother Barry is a stupid jerk ♪

I can't! I can't do this!

Where's my rage pillow?!

[Muffled screaming]

You know, this song's
actually kind of funny.

I know! And that's exactly
why I sent Weird Al a demo.

♪ My brother Barry
is a Wang Toni... ♪

Who's this Barry?

This song offers no context!

Total amateurs!