All language subtitles for The Goldbergs (2013) - 03x13 - Double Dare.KILLERS.English.C.edit.Addic7ed.com

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,498 Back in the '80s, game shows ruled the TV. 2 00:00:02,615 --> 00:00:04,318 There was "Pyramid," "Wheel of Fortune,". 3 00:00:04,499 --> 00:00:06,177 "Jeopardy!", and "The Newlywed Game." 4 00:00:06,279 --> 00:00:08,946 But to us kids, none came close to "Double Dare." 5 00:00:08,982 --> 00:00:10,448 It was the world's best game show, 6 00:00:10,483 --> 00:00:12,583 filled with trivia, physical challenges, 7 00:00:12,619 --> 00:00:14,118 and host Marc Summers, 8 00:00:14,154 --> 00:00:17,755 who managed to smile even when his nice suits got messy. 9 00:00:17,791 --> 00:00:18,856 Idiots! 10 00:00:18,892 --> 00:00:20,892 The flag is under the giant pad of butter! 11 00:00:20,927 --> 00:00:22,160 Always look under the butter. 12 00:00:22,195 --> 00:00:23,394 If we ever get on this show, 13 00:00:23,430 --> 00:00:24,829 imagine all the prizes we'd win. 14 00:00:24,864 --> 00:00:27,498 We'd be strutting around in our brand-new British knights, 15 00:00:27,534 --> 00:00:29,867 jammin' out to our Panasonic portable sound system, 16 00:00:29,903 --> 00:00:32,904 as we chow down on a year's supply of Chef Boyardee. 17 00:00:32,939 --> 00:00:35,139 It's all our dreams wrapped into one. 18 00:00:35,175 --> 00:00:37,375 But the coolest part... It was filmed in Philly, 19 00:00:37,410 --> 00:00:38,743 which meant one thing. 20 00:00:38,778 --> 00:00:40,678 All right. Shut your giggle holes. 21 00:00:40,713 --> 00:00:42,146 I have two announcements. 22 00:00:42,182 --> 00:00:45,917 First, whoever wrote my phone number in the boys' bathroom 23 00:00:45,952 --> 00:00:47,251 will be found. 24 00:00:47,287 --> 00:00:50,188 I called and asked if his refrigerator was running. 25 00:00:50,223 --> 00:00:52,256 It wasn't, so it ended up being sad. 26 00:00:52,292 --> 00:00:54,926 Second, some game show called "Double Dare" 27 00:00:54,961 --> 00:00:56,961 is holding auditions at our school, 28 00:00:56,996 --> 00:00:59,430 and two of you will be picked to be on their show. 29 00:00:59,466 --> 00:01:01,365 Now let's get those bodies TV-ready. 30 00:01:03,236 --> 00:01:05,603 Dude, this is seriously the best day of my life, 31 00:01:05,638 --> 00:01:07,305 and I once got mistaken for Mary Lou Retton. 32 00:01:07,340 --> 00:01:08,372 Dorothy Hamill. 33 00:01:08,408 --> 00:01:10,007 We're actually gonna be on "Double Dare." 34 00:01:10,043 --> 00:01:12,376 You two so have this in the bag. 35 00:01:14,414 --> 00:01:15,480 Bro, you don't have a prayer. 36 00:01:15,515 --> 00:01:18,349 Shut up, Dave Kim. This face was made for TV. 37 00:01:18,384 --> 00:01:20,384 But that voice... youch. 38 00:01:20,420 --> 00:01:23,354 You two can't compete with Handsome Ben. 39 00:01:23,389 --> 00:01:24,355 He was right. 40 00:01:24,390 --> 00:01:25,523 We all had one growing up... 41 00:01:25,558 --> 00:01:27,325 The vicious rival who always won. 42 00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:29,191 Who always beats you out for class president? 43 00:01:29,216 --> 00:01:29,985 Handsome Ben. 44 00:01:30,010 --> 00:01:31,727 And who always gets the lead in the musical? 45 00:01:31,752 --> 00:01:32,463 Handsome Ben. 46 00:01:32,499 --> 00:01:34,571 Who was first in line to see "Temple of Doom"? 47 00:01:34,596 --> 00:01:35,800 Handsome Ben. 48 00:01:35,835 --> 00:01:38,069 You had to sit in the second row, 49 00:01:38,104 --> 00:01:39,303 like a chump. 50 00:01:39,339 --> 00:01:41,806 Fine! You're right! He wins every time. 51 00:01:41,841 --> 00:01:43,374 But this will be different. 52 00:01:43,409 --> 00:01:44,408 Will it? 53 00:01:44,444 --> 00:01:45,576 Look at him. 54 00:01:45,612 --> 00:01:47,245 Hey, A.G. Hey, Dave Kim. 55 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:49,647 - Hi, Ben. - Hey, buddy. 56 00:01:50,450 --> 00:01:51,816 You're right. He's amazing. 57 00:01:51,851 --> 00:01:53,684 My only real shot is to win over the producers 58 00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:55,987 by picking a partner that'll make me stand out. 59 00:01:56,022 --> 00:01:57,588 Perhaps someone like... 60 00:01:57,624 --> 00:01:58,656 "Cute Dave Kim." 61 00:01:58,691 --> 00:01:59,957 No one calls you that. 62 00:01:59,993 --> 00:02:01,259 I was thinking Pops. 63 00:02:01,294 --> 00:02:02,493 Your grandfather? 64 00:02:02,529 --> 00:02:05,229 Nothing wins people over more than an adorable old man. 65 00:02:05,999 --> 00:02:07,765 Handsome Ben is going down. 66 00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:09,166 Kid won't know what hit him. 67 00:02:16,676 --> 00:02:19,143 Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com. 68 00:02:24,484 --> 00:02:26,250 It was fall 1980-something, 69 00:02:26,286 --> 00:02:27,785 and Barry and my dad were sitting down 70 00:02:27,820 --> 00:02:29,754 to what they did every Sunday... 71 00:02:29,789 --> 00:02:31,455 - Watch The Eagles... - Go, baby, go, baby, go! 72 00:02:31,491 --> 00:02:33,524 - ... for better or worse. - Fumble?! No! 73 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:34,926 That's it. Season's over. 74 00:02:34,961 --> 00:02:36,894 - It's the first game year. - They already blew it. 75 00:02:36,930 --> 00:02:37,929 We got to fire the coach 76 00:02:37,964 --> 00:02:39,630 and start thinking about next year. 77 00:02:39,666 --> 00:02:42,233 Whenever they'd watch, my dad would turn on the team, 78 00:02:42,268 --> 00:02:44,168 while my brother was hopelessly positive. 79 00:02:44,203 --> 00:02:46,671 Look, all we need is a turnover, a touchdown, 80 00:02:46,706 --> 00:02:48,072 a 2-point conversion, an onside kick, 81 00:02:48,107 --> 00:02:49,040 and two more touchdowns. 82 00:02:49,075 --> 00:02:51,008 Or 12 safeties. 83 00:02:51,044 --> 00:02:53,377 Turn it off! I can't take it anymore. 84 00:02:53,413 --> 00:02:56,314 And they each handled an Eagles loss in their own special way. 85 00:02:56,349 --> 00:02:58,549 Hey, buddy. Got you a new burger flipper. 86 00:02:58,585 --> 00:03:01,519 I noticed your old spatula was a little worse for wear. 87 00:03:01,554 --> 00:03:04,055 Look at you. Always so damn nice, huh? 88 00:03:04,090 --> 00:03:05,089 Well, I'm sick of it. 89 00:03:05,124 --> 00:03:07,058 Lashing out because The Eagles lost? 90 00:03:07,093 --> 00:03:08,292 And I'm sick of your face. 91 00:03:08,328 --> 00:03:09,827 I'll just leave this and go. 92 00:03:09,862 --> 00:03:12,296 I will kill you with this spatula, 93 00:03:12,332 --> 00:03:14,565 you thoughtful, thoughtful man! 94 00:03:14,601 --> 00:03:16,634 As for my brother, an Eagles loss meant 95 00:03:16,669 --> 00:03:18,970 several heartbroken days of utter depression. 96 00:03:19,005 --> 00:03:21,739 Hey. Hugh Hefner. Cover your downstairs stuff. 97 00:03:21,774 --> 00:03:23,107 You're in school, not the grotto. 98 00:03:23,142 --> 00:03:24,241 The Eagles lost. 99 00:03:24,277 --> 00:03:25,276 Ohhh. 100 00:03:25,345 --> 00:03:27,078 Take the day. 101 00:03:27,113 --> 00:03:29,914 Make room, everybody! Eagles fan coming through! 102 00:03:29,949 --> 00:03:32,116 Thankfully, a new week meant a new chance 103 00:03:32,151 --> 00:03:34,118 for my dad and bro to help The Eagles win... 104 00:03:34,153 --> 00:03:36,520 Through a series of crazy superstitions. 105 00:03:36,556 --> 00:03:37,655 Let's get this going. 106 00:03:37,690 --> 00:03:39,290 I got on my good-luck jersey and underpants. 107 00:03:39,325 --> 00:03:41,525 Now time for some pregame cabbage patching 108 00:03:41,561 --> 00:03:42,994 to supercharge our good luck. 109 00:03:43,029 --> 00:03:44,328 Even if the superstitions 110 00:03:44,364 --> 00:03:45,997 breached the boundary of common sense. 111 00:03:46,032 --> 00:03:47,698 Do it better! The Eagles need us! 112 00:03:47,734 --> 00:03:49,467 Or any sense at all. 113 00:03:49,502 --> 00:03:51,369 Who wants some double-cheesy nachos? 114 00:03:51,404 --> 00:03:52,269 Stop where you're at! 115 00:03:52,305 --> 00:03:53,671 Mom, you know the rules! 116 00:03:53,706 --> 00:03:55,940 Once you step foot on the den floor, The Eagles will lose. 117 00:03:55,975 --> 00:03:59,143 What happens in this house has no impact on the game. 118 00:03:59,178 --> 00:04:00,611 That is adorable. 119 00:04:00,647 --> 00:04:02,013 I am not bad luck. 120 00:04:02,048 --> 00:04:03,781 Would you just stop with this already? 121 00:04:03,816 --> 00:04:06,317 What happened the first Sunday after we got married, 122 00:04:06,352 --> 00:04:08,653 when you insisted on watching the game with me? 123 00:04:08,721 --> 00:04:10,988 They lost by six stupid touchdowns. 124 00:04:11,024 --> 00:04:12,523 Just come and get your nachos. 125 00:04:12,558 --> 00:04:13,758 Mom, you know the rules. 126 00:04:13,793 --> 00:04:16,160 Once the game starts, we can't move from our spot. 127 00:04:16,195 --> 00:04:17,728 Now truck it over on the animal. 128 00:04:17,764 --> 00:04:20,564 This '80s toy monster truck was their typical lifeline, 129 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,401 mostly due to its retractable claws for stability. 130 00:04:24,237 --> 00:04:26,170 The claws did nothing! 131 00:04:26,205 --> 00:04:27,338 Stay back! Don't clean it up! 132 00:04:27,373 --> 00:04:29,407 There's hot cheese on my rug! 133 00:04:29,442 --> 00:04:30,641 That's its home now! 134 00:04:30,677 --> 00:04:32,009 She jinxed us! 135 00:04:32,045 --> 00:04:33,277 Do your idiot dance! 136 00:04:36,949 --> 00:04:39,517 Pops, I have amazing news! 137 00:04:39,552 --> 00:04:41,419 You're gonna be my partner on "Double Dare"! 138 00:04:41,454 --> 00:04:43,621 That's the best news I've heard all day. 139 00:04:43,656 --> 00:04:45,589 Also, what's "Double Dare"? 140 00:04:45,625 --> 00:04:48,025 Only the country's hottest game show. 141 00:04:48,061 --> 00:04:49,326 You love game shows, right? 142 00:04:49,362 --> 00:04:50,461 You bet. 143 00:04:50,496 --> 00:04:52,830 That Vanna White sure can turn a letter. 144 00:04:52,865 --> 00:04:53,931 Ha ha! 145 00:04:53,966 --> 00:04:56,333 Don't say any of that at our audition. 146 00:04:56,369 --> 00:04:58,436 In fact, leave all the talking to me. 147 00:04:58,471 --> 00:04:59,804 You sure you don't want to do this 148 00:04:59,839 --> 00:05:01,205 with one of your little friends? 149 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:03,040 Nah. She'll understand. 150 00:05:03,810 --> 00:05:05,443 Ow! You punched me in the heart! 151 00:05:05,478 --> 00:05:08,045 You're picking your grandfather over me? Seriously? 152 00:05:08,081 --> 00:05:10,614 You know it's been my dream to go on "Double Dare." 153 00:05:10,650 --> 00:05:12,750 It's selfish of you not to support that. 154 00:05:12,785 --> 00:05:14,185 How am I the weak link? 155 00:05:14,220 --> 00:05:16,120 You got flat feet and a lazy eye. 156 00:05:16,155 --> 00:05:18,823 That "Double Dare" human-hamster wheel will eat you alive. 157 00:05:18,858 --> 00:05:19,824 I had no choice. 158 00:05:19,859 --> 00:05:21,025 This is the only way 159 00:05:21,060 --> 00:05:23,294 I can beat my lifelong rival, Handsome Ben. 160 00:05:23,329 --> 00:05:25,996 Dude, you're not his rival. It's totally one-sided. 161 00:05:26,032 --> 00:05:27,565 Oh, yeah? Watch this. 162 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:28,866 Hey, Ben. 163 00:05:28,901 --> 00:05:29,967 'Sup, Adam? 164 00:05:30,002 --> 00:05:31,402 Good luck at the "Double Dare" tryouts. 165 00:05:31,437 --> 00:05:32,369 I hope you get it. 166 00:05:34,574 --> 00:05:36,440 Stupid, generous Handsome Ben. 167 00:05:36,476 --> 00:05:37,808 Well, I don't need you. 168 00:05:37,844 --> 00:05:39,577 I'm gonna make it on the show and win, 169 00:05:39,612 --> 00:05:41,612 and I won't save any slime for you! 170 00:05:42,548 --> 00:05:44,448 Is that a new trapper keeper, Adam? 171 00:05:44,484 --> 00:05:45,216 Sweet. 172 00:05:45,251 --> 00:05:46,751 Just got it. Thanks. 173 00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:49,820 I will bury you. 174 00:05:49,856 --> 00:05:52,389 While I was plotting to beat my lifelong rival, 175 00:05:52,425 --> 00:05:55,392 my mom had plotted a way into the den. 176 00:05:55,428 --> 00:05:56,827 What... what is this? What are you doing? 177 00:05:56,863 --> 00:05:58,429 Don't worry. I'm not touching the floor. 178 00:05:58,464 --> 00:06:00,831 I'm just gonna bust some dust and be on my way. 179 00:06:02,435 --> 00:06:03,400 Poop! 180 00:06:03,436 --> 00:06:04,869 - Bevy, please! Come on! - Dear lord, no! 181 00:06:04,937 --> 00:06:06,804 And then something crazy happened. 182 00:06:06,839 --> 00:06:07,638 Oh! 183 00:06:07,673 --> 00:06:08,906 The Eagles intercepted 184 00:06:08,941 --> 00:06:10,674 the moment my mom stepped on the floor. 185 00:06:10,710 --> 00:06:11,842 And as soon as she left... 186 00:06:11,878 --> 00:06:13,677 Come on! Are you kidding? 187 00:06:13,713 --> 00:06:15,179 ... The Eagles fumbled. 188 00:06:15,214 --> 00:06:16,781 Dude. Did you see that? 189 00:06:17,717 --> 00:06:19,917 When Mom was in here, The Eagles kicked butt. 190 00:06:19,952 --> 00:06:21,619 The second she left, The Eagles sucked butt. 191 00:06:21,654 --> 00:06:22,653 What are you saying? 192 00:06:22,688 --> 00:06:24,421 Do you think Mom's good luck? 193 00:06:24,457 --> 00:06:26,590 No. It's just a dumb coincidence. 194 00:06:26,626 --> 00:06:28,759 Only one way to find out. 195 00:06:28,795 --> 00:06:30,394 - Kee-ya! - What the hell?! 196 00:06:30,429 --> 00:06:31,562 Shut up. Shut up. 197 00:06:31,597 --> 00:06:33,597 Mom! I think Dad spilled something! 198 00:06:33,633 --> 00:06:34,465 Hey, hey! 199 00:06:36,135 --> 00:06:37,701 It's okay. I've always got a rag. 200 00:06:37,737 --> 00:06:39,036 It's a mom secret. 201 00:06:39,071 --> 00:06:40,771 They sacked Bradshaw. 202 00:06:40,807 --> 00:06:42,173 Get it! Get it! Get it! 203 00:06:42,208 --> 00:06:43,207 ... and they did. 204 00:06:43,242 --> 00:06:44,475 Good god, Mom did it! 205 00:06:44,510 --> 00:06:46,744 No! That was just another coincidence. 206 00:06:46,779 --> 00:06:48,879 You keep your mother out of this. Understand? 207 00:06:48,915 --> 00:06:50,214 Understand what? I heard "mother." 208 00:06:50,249 --> 00:06:51,382 I'm the mother. Here I am. 209 00:06:51,417 --> 00:06:53,617 Dude, all these years, we've got it wrong. 210 00:06:53,653 --> 00:06:55,686 You're not a jinx. 211 00:06:55,721 --> 00:06:58,455 You're like a real, actual lucky charm. 212 00:06:58,491 --> 00:06:59,590 Thank you, schmoo. 213 00:06:59,625 --> 00:07:01,058 No. Stop. 214 00:07:01,093 --> 00:07:02,927 There's no such thing as actual luck. 215 00:07:02,962 --> 00:07:04,728 Then why are you wearing your lucky Jersey and underpants? 216 00:07:04,764 --> 00:07:07,298 This helps The Eagles win, not your mother. 217 00:07:07,333 --> 00:07:10,134 Looks like those greeny guys are celebrating something. 218 00:07:10,169 --> 00:07:11,502 They scored! 219 00:07:11,537 --> 00:07:13,370 Mom stays... stays forever. 220 00:07:13,406 --> 00:07:16,173 Oh! Ha! This is gonna be fun! 221 00:07:16,209 --> 00:07:17,908 Go, greeny birds! 222 00:07:17,944 --> 00:07:19,009 No. 223 00:07:19,045 --> 00:07:21,245 We have a system when we watch football, 224 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:24,215 and the number-one rule of that system is "no talking." 225 00:07:24,250 --> 00:07:26,550 Naturally, my mom respected the rules... 226 00:07:26,586 --> 00:07:28,352 Until the next week, when she didn't. 227 00:07:28,387 --> 00:07:31,155 Are the players married to the cheerleaders? 228 00:07:31,190 --> 00:07:32,389 Do you think their families are mad 229 00:07:32,425 --> 00:07:33,624 'cause they work on Sundays? 230 00:07:33,659 --> 00:07:36,894 Ugh! Look at those grass stains. Who washes those pants?! 231 00:07:36,929 --> 00:07:38,629 Aren't we all patriots? 232 00:07:38,664 --> 00:07:41,232 Oh ho! Look at that big, snuggly pileup. 233 00:07:41,267 --> 00:07:43,267 Why does the throwy guy keep putting his hands 234 00:07:43,302 --> 00:07:44,335 in the other guy's butt? 235 00:07:44,370 --> 00:07:45,936 I have a better name for a team... 236 00:07:45,972 --> 00:07:47,238 The Yankee Doodles. 237 00:07:48,274 --> 00:07:51,275 You know what? Who wants bagel bites? 238 00:07:51,310 --> 00:07:52,877 'Cause I'm gonna put some in the oven. 239 00:07:52,912 --> 00:07:54,745 What do I set it at... 2,000? 240 00:07:54,780 --> 00:07:56,547 No! Murray, you know the rule. 241 00:07:56,582 --> 00:07:58,582 Don't touch any knobs in the kitchen. 242 00:07:58,618 --> 00:08:01,585 Hey! Come back fast. We need you on defense. 243 00:08:01,621 --> 00:08:03,287 Isn't this great? 244 00:08:03,322 --> 00:08:04,321 Woman's got to go. 245 00:08:04,357 --> 00:08:06,156 What? No! She's part of the game ritual. 246 00:08:06,192 --> 00:08:07,224 There's no going back. 247 00:08:07,260 --> 00:08:09,226 A man needs time away from his wife, 248 00:08:09,262 --> 00:08:11,862 and for me, football is that time. 249 00:08:11,898 --> 00:08:13,898 So, what? You're just gonna tell her to go away? 250 00:08:13,933 --> 00:08:15,299 You know Mom. It'll crush her. 251 00:08:15,334 --> 00:08:18,002 Don't worry. I'll be sensitive. 252 00:08:19,472 --> 00:08:20,738 Hey, honey. 253 00:08:20,773 --> 00:08:22,640 Would you put that down and get out? 254 00:08:22,675 --> 00:08:23,741 What?! 255 00:08:23,841 --> 00:08:25,441 Listen, it's not that I don't love 256 00:08:25,476 --> 00:08:26,942 spending every moment with you, 257 00:08:26,978 --> 00:08:29,144 but you don't understand football, 258 00:08:29,180 --> 00:08:30,479 and it's distracting. 259 00:08:30,514 --> 00:08:32,781 Well, that sounds like an excuse. 260 00:08:32,817 --> 00:08:35,784 Okay, imagine if I go to your scrapbook club 261 00:08:35,820 --> 00:08:37,019 and every few seconds, 262 00:08:37,054 --> 00:08:38,854 I interrupt you with a question 263 00:08:38,889 --> 00:08:40,723 about what glitter I should use. 264 00:08:40,758 --> 00:08:42,658 Well, that would be ridiculous 265 00:08:42,693 --> 00:08:45,594 because there's opaque, translucent, chunky, 266 00:08:45,629 --> 00:08:49,565 micro-fine, spray-on, brush-on... squeeze-on... 267 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:50,599 Oh. 268 00:08:52,203 --> 00:08:53,769 I get it. 269 00:08:53,804 --> 00:08:54,770 I'll go. 270 00:08:54,805 --> 00:08:56,205 That means a lot, bevy. 271 00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:59,174 And that's how you do marriage. 272 00:08:59,210 --> 00:09:00,909 And so my mom got the message. 273 00:09:01,946 --> 00:09:03,579 Teach me everything about football. 274 00:09:03,614 --> 00:09:05,080 You've come to the right place. 275 00:09:05,116 --> 00:09:06,682 It was just the wrong message. 276 00:09:08,372 --> 00:09:10,809 Let's start with the basics. This is the quarterback. 277 00:09:10,896 --> 00:09:13,363 These are the linemen, receivers, running back. 278 00:09:13,398 --> 00:09:14,497 Question... 279 00:09:14,533 --> 00:09:15,865 What do all those words mean? 280 00:09:15,901 --> 00:09:19,202 Simplifying, there's offense and defense. 281 00:09:19,237 --> 00:09:21,838 Question... are those things I should already know? 282 00:09:21,873 --> 00:09:23,473 Simplifying... 283 00:09:23,508 --> 00:09:24,908 This is a football. 284 00:09:24,943 --> 00:09:26,009 Question... 285 00:09:26,044 --> 00:09:27,877 Is the plural of "football" "feetball"? 286 00:09:27,913 --> 00:09:29,212 Ohh! God! 287 00:09:29,247 --> 00:09:32,215 Why won't anyone answer me? What are you people hiding? 288 00:09:32,250 --> 00:09:33,917 My god. I can't take this anymore. 289 00:09:33,952 --> 00:09:36,886 Look, there is only one way to teach Mom anything... 290 00:09:36,922 --> 00:09:39,055 Put it in terms she understands. 291 00:09:39,091 --> 00:09:41,157 Okay, this is a football, 292 00:09:41,193 --> 00:09:43,626 but I want you to imagine it's actually me as a baby. 293 00:09:43,662 --> 00:09:44,961 Aww! 294 00:09:44,996 --> 00:09:46,296 Ooh! 295 00:09:46,331 --> 00:09:49,099 Now, your job is to protect that baby at all costs. 296 00:09:49,134 --> 00:09:50,500 Of course. 297 00:09:50,535 --> 00:09:51,668 Who are they? 298 00:09:51,703 --> 00:09:53,236 Hi, Erica! You called, and I came right away. 299 00:09:53,271 --> 00:09:54,237 Isn't that nice of me? 300 00:09:54,272 --> 00:09:55,605 As you can see, they're the enemy. 301 00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:57,173 We call them the defensive line. 302 00:09:57,209 --> 00:09:58,541 Their job is to stop you. 303 00:09:58,577 --> 00:10:01,544 Translation... they're a band of evil college recruiters, 304 00:10:01,580 --> 00:10:03,780 wanting to take your precious little girl away 305 00:10:03,815 --> 00:10:07,016 to... an out-of-state university. 306 00:10:07,052 --> 00:10:09,119 But that's too far. How will I see you every day? 307 00:10:09,154 --> 00:10:12,389 You've only got one choice... get that baby back to our house. 308 00:10:12,424 --> 00:10:14,057 Or the end zone. 309 00:10:14,092 --> 00:10:15,825 Please move. 310 00:10:15,861 --> 00:10:17,460 - No way. - Please move! 311 00:10:17,496 --> 00:10:19,262 - Oh, we're comin' for you. - Gimme that baby! 312 00:10:19,297 --> 00:10:20,597 - Never! - Hike! 313 00:10:20,632 --> 00:10:22,432 - Go! Go! - Oh. 314 00:10:22,467 --> 00:10:24,901 Go, go, go, go, go! Go, go, go! 315 00:10:24,936 --> 00:10:25,902 Whoo! 316 00:10:27,072 --> 00:10:28,538 I made it home! 317 00:10:28,573 --> 00:10:29,706 I made it home. 318 00:10:29,741 --> 00:10:31,241 Or the end zone. 319 00:10:31,276 --> 00:10:33,476 Oh! I get it! 320 00:10:33,512 --> 00:10:34,811 Come on, guys. Where's the "D"? 321 00:10:34,846 --> 00:10:36,346 I just don't know where to touch her. 322 00:10:36,381 --> 00:10:37,647 Maybe I should just cover Erica. 323 00:10:37,682 --> 00:10:38,748 I hate you so much, Geoff. 324 00:10:38,784 --> 00:10:40,784 Shut it, okay? It's enough. 325 00:10:40,819 --> 00:10:42,385 While my mom was ready for game day, 326 00:10:42,421 --> 00:10:44,554 I was ready for my game-show debut. 327 00:10:44,589 --> 00:10:47,123 Hi, kids. I'm Zane, and this is Ellen. 328 00:10:47,159 --> 00:10:49,225 We've set up a practice course 329 00:10:49,261 --> 00:10:51,327 to simulate actual "Double Dare." 330 00:10:51,363 --> 00:10:52,629 Now pick a partner. 331 00:10:52,664 --> 00:10:55,165 That's right. Let's get messy! 332 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:58,001 Yep, I knew exactly how to wow the producers. 333 00:10:58,036 --> 00:11:01,004 Three words... make an entrance. 334 00:11:01,039 --> 00:11:02,238 Sorry we're late. 335 00:11:02,274 --> 00:11:05,108 Me and my best friend got held up on the public bus. 336 00:11:05,143 --> 00:11:07,510 No way. You can't pick a cute old man. 337 00:11:07,546 --> 00:11:08,678 That's not fair. 338 00:11:08,713 --> 00:11:10,680 Sorry, sister... not against the rules. 339 00:11:10,715 --> 00:11:11,648 I checked. 340 00:11:12,851 --> 00:11:15,852 What kind of a farkakte game show is this? 341 00:11:15,887 --> 00:11:17,387 I thought it was just trivia. 342 00:11:17,422 --> 00:11:20,089 Oh, it is... and some physical challenges. 343 00:11:20,125 --> 00:11:22,392 It looks slimy and unsafe. 344 00:11:22,427 --> 00:11:24,727 You're Pops! You can do anything! 345 00:11:24,763 --> 00:11:26,563 What the [Bleep] is that thing? 346 00:11:26,598 --> 00:11:28,465 You play tennis and date twins 347 00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:30,667 and drink Martinis when the sun's out. 348 00:11:30,735 --> 00:11:33,570 Yes, I do sample from the salad bar of life. 349 00:11:33,605 --> 00:11:35,472 Then let's show 'em what we're made of. 350 00:11:35,507 --> 00:11:37,507 Go, go, go! You got it. 351 00:11:37,542 --> 00:11:39,542 I can't find the damn flag. 352 00:11:39,578 --> 00:11:40,643 Look under the pad of butter! 353 00:11:40,679 --> 00:11:42,612 They always hide it under the pad of butter! 354 00:11:42,647 --> 00:11:44,647 Aw, there's no flag here! 355 00:11:46,885 --> 00:11:49,252 This is my good tracksuit! 356 00:11:51,456 --> 00:11:52,889 Why am I here? 357 00:11:52,924 --> 00:11:55,325 Oh, no, no! 358 00:11:56,461 --> 00:11:58,495 This is not a game show! 359 00:11:58,530 --> 00:11:59,963 Faster! 360 00:11:59,998 --> 00:12:01,297 Po... 361 00:12:01,333 --> 00:12:04,033 I'm not a hamster! I'm a human man! 362 00:12:04,069 --> 00:12:06,870 That... Did not go well. 363 00:12:06,905 --> 00:12:08,304 No, it did not. 364 00:12:08,340 --> 00:12:10,306 I'm sorry I let you down, kiddo. 365 00:12:10,342 --> 00:12:12,909 I'm gonna dig my watch out of the butter and leave. 366 00:12:12,944 --> 00:12:15,512 Well, how'd it go with your adorable best friend? 367 00:12:15,547 --> 00:12:16,946 Great. So great. 368 00:12:16,982 --> 00:12:18,481 Listen, I was thinking... 369 00:12:18,517 --> 00:12:20,583 Our friendship is too important. 370 00:12:20,619 --> 00:12:22,285 We should be partners. 371 00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:23,353 I don't think so. 372 00:12:23,388 --> 00:12:24,888 See, I already got a partner. 373 00:12:24,923 --> 00:12:27,090 You ready to rock, muscles? 374 00:12:27,993 --> 00:12:29,125 Seriously? 375 00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:31,694 Of all the people, you ditch me for that putz? 376 00:12:31,730 --> 00:12:33,029 Now you know how it feels. 377 00:12:33,064 --> 00:12:36,032 Well, we'll see how you feel when Handsome Ben chokes. 378 00:12:36,067 --> 00:12:37,967 He's got the looks, but not the chops. 379 00:12:38,003 --> 00:12:39,302 Done. 380 00:12:39,371 --> 00:12:40,904 And I got the course record, too. 381 00:12:42,908 --> 00:12:44,240 Balls! 382 00:12:44,276 --> 00:12:46,809 That is one hard schnoz. 383 00:12:46,845 --> 00:12:48,411 As I was losing a best friend... 384 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:49,779 Set... Hike! 385 00:12:49,814 --> 00:12:52,715 ... my mom was learning how to win at feetball. 386 00:12:55,554 --> 00:12:57,220 Touchdown! 387 00:12:57,255 --> 00:12:58,621 Whoo! 388 00:12:58,657 --> 00:12:59,789 Oh, yeah! 389 00:12:59,824 --> 00:13:01,624 You're in my house now! 390 00:13:01,660 --> 00:13:03,927 You're gonna come in and take off your shoes 391 00:13:03,962 --> 00:13:05,328 'cause I just vacuumed. 392 00:13:05,363 --> 00:13:07,063 That's how "in my house" you are! 393 00:13:07,098 --> 00:13:08,197 Whoo! 394 00:13:08,233 --> 00:13:10,133 I think our work here is done. 395 00:13:10,168 --> 00:13:13,236 I have a feeling your dad is gonna be a very happy man! 396 00:13:13,271 --> 00:13:15,104 Let's go, Eagles "D"! 397 00:13:15,140 --> 00:13:16,205 - Sack! - Yes! 398 00:13:16,241 --> 00:13:18,207 Yes, baby. 399 00:13:18,243 --> 00:13:20,577 Turns out learning football just ruined it for my dad. 400 00:13:20,612 --> 00:13:21,911 Isn't this great? 401 00:13:21,947 --> 00:13:23,046 Mur, you got it all. 402 00:13:23,081 --> 00:13:25,014 Yeah, she did the thing I asked her to do, 403 00:13:25,050 --> 00:13:26,716 so it'd be wrong of me to complain. 404 00:13:26,751 --> 00:13:29,185 Watch... next play, they're gonna throw the long ball. 405 00:13:29,220 --> 00:13:30,453 That's nuts. It's third and short. 406 00:13:30,522 --> 00:13:31,621 They're gonna go up the middle. 407 00:13:31,656 --> 00:13:33,389 No. They're expecting the rush. 408 00:13:33,425 --> 00:13:36,626 Gah! Stop saying things with sports-fueled knowledge! 409 00:13:36,661 --> 00:13:39,095 Let's all just not talk until The Eagles win, okay? 410 00:13:39,130 --> 00:13:42,131 Unfortunately for my dad, they really were expecting the rush. 411 00:13:42,167 --> 00:13:44,233 Boom! Ha ha! 412 00:13:44,269 --> 00:13:45,401 Who called it? 413 00:13:45,437 --> 00:13:47,103 Mama bird... that's who! 414 00:13:47,138 --> 00:13:48,271 Face! 415 00:13:48,306 --> 00:13:49,839 Aah! That's it! 416 00:13:49,874 --> 00:13:51,140 You got to go. 417 00:13:51,176 --> 00:13:52,542 Go?! 418 00:13:52,577 --> 00:13:54,177 But... 419 00:13:54,212 --> 00:13:55,211 I learned football. 420 00:13:55,246 --> 00:13:56,713 I did what you said. 421 00:13:56,748 --> 00:13:58,615 Thing is, I lied. 422 00:13:58,650 --> 00:14:01,851 Look, I think the key to a good marriage is time apart, 423 00:14:01,886 --> 00:14:04,654 and for me, football is that time. 424 00:14:04,985 --> 00:14:06,689 Well, I think the key to a good marriage 425 00:14:06,725 --> 00:14:08,759 is spending time together. 426 00:14:09,060 --> 00:14:10,844 But if you don't want me here... 427 00:14:11,663 --> 00:14:12,862 I'll go. 428 00:14:15,100 --> 00:14:17,066 While my "Double Dare" dreams had been dashed, 429 00:14:17,102 --> 00:14:18,768 Emmy's were looking better than ever, 430 00:14:18,803 --> 00:14:21,371 thanks to athletic, horrible Handsome Ben. 431 00:14:21,406 --> 00:14:22,972 Look at Handsome Ben go. 432 00:14:23,008 --> 00:14:24,841 His feet barely touch the slime. 433 00:14:24,876 --> 00:14:27,243 I feel like it's right... 434 00:14:27,278 --> 00:14:28,111 Here. 435 00:14:28,146 --> 00:14:29,812 - Yes! - Yes! Got it! Come on. 436 00:14:29,848 --> 00:14:31,547 Well done, kids! 437 00:14:31,583 --> 00:14:33,416 Looks like you two are the team to beat. 438 00:14:33,451 --> 00:14:35,284 Couldn't ask for a better partner. 439 00:14:37,022 --> 00:14:39,422 I think that was directed at you. 440 00:14:39,457 --> 00:14:41,324 Yes! Thank you, Dave Kim. 441 00:14:41,359 --> 00:14:43,459 Looks like all of those months of practice with Emmy 442 00:14:43,495 --> 00:14:44,527 really paid off. 443 00:14:45,664 --> 00:14:47,997 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Months? 444 00:14:48,033 --> 00:14:50,433 Yeah, we overheard Coach Mellor at the beginning of the year 445 00:14:50,468 --> 00:14:51,968 saying "Double Dare" was coming. 446 00:14:52,003 --> 00:14:54,470 - That's when we agreed to partner up and... - Pbht! What?! 447 00:14:54,506 --> 00:14:55,905 Handsome Ben's just confused. 448 00:14:55,940 --> 00:14:57,073 Let me get this straight. 449 00:14:57,108 --> 00:14:59,475 You picked him before I even asked you? 450 00:14:59,511 --> 00:15:00,376 Kinda. 451 00:15:00,412 --> 00:15:01,577 You've been torturing me for a week, 452 00:15:01,613 --> 00:15:03,279 and you did the exact same thing! 453 00:15:03,314 --> 00:15:05,214 I was at least gonna lie and let you down easy. 454 00:15:05,250 --> 00:15:06,716 Well, you make a great team... 455 00:15:06,751 --> 00:15:08,651 Handsome Ben and "Sack of crap" Emmy. 456 00:15:08,687 --> 00:15:09,886 Take it back, nerd! 457 00:15:11,222 --> 00:15:12,689 Sure, it was an honest accident. 458 00:15:12,724 --> 00:15:14,857 However, what happened next wasn't. 459 00:15:14,893 --> 00:15:16,826 After that, no one was at their best. 460 00:15:16,861 --> 00:15:18,027 Whoa, whoa! 461 00:15:19,230 --> 00:15:20,897 Both of you... out! 462 00:15:20,932 --> 00:15:22,365 But you said I was a lock. 463 00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,500 That was before you made a mess of this course. 464 00:15:24,536 --> 00:15:25,835 Now go. 465 00:15:28,707 --> 00:15:30,673 Thanks a lot. 466 00:15:30,709 --> 00:15:34,143 Well... Looks like you're gonna need a new partner. 467 00:15:34,179 --> 00:15:36,145 For sure. 468 00:15:36,181 --> 00:15:37,947 Hey, Amy, be my partner? 469 00:15:37,982 --> 00:15:39,982 Definitely. You're handsome. 470 00:15:41,753 --> 00:15:44,554 Dave Kim... always a bridesmaid. 471 00:15:48,229 --> 00:15:50,591 My dad knew he needed to make it right with my mom. 472 00:15:50,654 --> 00:15:53,316 Only problem... he had no idea how. 473 00:15:55,740 --> 00:15:57,696 Time to cook the steak-umms! 474 00:15:58,079 --> 00:15:59,688 Hope I don't make a mess! 475 00:15:59,713 --> 00:16:01,708 Why are you narrating your kitchen experience? 476 00:16:01,743 --> 00:16:04,683 I'm trying to lure your mother downstairs. 477 00:16:04,719 --> 00:16:06,786 I don't know what's wrong. This always works. 478 00:16:06,821 --> 00:16:08,487 Yeah, well, you really hurt her feelings. 479 00:16:08,523 --> 00:16:10,189 You're a, uh, lady person. 480 00:16:10,224 --> 00:16:11,490 How do I un-hurt them? 481 00:16:11,526 --> 00:16:14,226 Hello? Mom took an interest in something you love. 482 00:16:14,262 --> 00:16:16,162 Just show her that you can do the same thing. 483 00:16:16,197 --> 00:16:18,664 What... like yakking on the phone, shopping, 484 00:16:18,699 --> 00:16:20,750 or pushing the hot thing over the clothes? 485 00:16:20,786 --> 00:16:21,770 Ironing? 486 00:16:22,036 --> 00:16:23,235 No, those are chores. 487 00:16:23,271 --> 00:16:25,070 I'm talking about stuff that makes her happy, 488 00:16:25,106 --> 00:16:26,338 like jazzercise. 489 00:16:26,374 --> 00:16:28,674 That dancy thing where she puts on the stretchy clothes 490 00:16:28,709 --> 00:16:30,694 and rolls around on the ground like a drunk toddler? 491 00:16:30,733 --> 00:16:33,151 Good point. You should focus on something more your speed. 492 00:16:33,186 --> 00:16:35,181 And by "speed," I mean no speed. 493 00:16:36,116 --> 00:16:37,062 I got it. 494 00:16:37,131 --> 00:16:38,384 Son of a bitch! 495 00:16:38,419 --> 00:16:40,386 This can't be done! No one can do it! 496 00:16:40,421 --> 00:16:41,805 What exactly are you doing? 497 00:16:41,836 --> 00:16:44,376 Scrapbooking... Your mother's favorite hobby. 498 00:16:44,633 --> 00:16:46,192 But it's a nightmare! 499 00:16:46,227 --> 00:16:47,426 Stupid glue! 500 00:16:47,461 --> 00:16:49,128 Everything I touch sticks to me! 501 00:16:49,163 --> 00:16:51,997 Just calm down, okay? I'm sure what you made is fine. 502 00:16:55,203 --> 00:16:56,802 Holy crap! What is that? 503 00:16:56,838 --> 00:16:57,803 Our sweet memories. 504 00:16:57,839 --> 00:16:59,004 Why did you cut out the letters? 505 00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:00,339 It looks like a ransom note. 506 00:17:00,374 --> 00:17:01,974 You know I'm not good at penmanship! 507 00:17:02,009 --> 00:17:03,175 Why'd you put "look"? 508 00:17:03,211 --> 00:17:05,611 What am I supposed to look at... His red demon eyes? 509 00:17:05,646 --> 00:17:07,746 I was trying to make them sparkle with glitter, 510 00:17:07,774 --> 00:17:10,268 but no one tells you how complicated glitter is. 511 00:17:10,301 --> 00:17:11,072 It looks like something 512 00:17:11,097 --> 00:17:13,491 - a 10-year-old serial killer would make. - I know! 513 00:17:13,527 --> 00:17:16,121 Let me break this down for you in terms you understand. 514 00:17:16,989 --> 00:17:20,223 Imagine this page is the football field 515 00:17:20,258 --> 00:17:22,859 and this baby picture... the quarterback. 516 00:17:22,894 --> 00:17:24,527 As Erica was coaching my dad, 517 00:17:24,563 --> 00:17:26,463 Coach Mellor had the "Double Dare" results. 518 00:17:26,498 --> 00:17:27,664 All right, listen up. 519 00:17:27,699 --> 00:17:30,233 I just found out who got picked for the game show 520 00:17:30,268 --> 00:17:33,003 that left all sorts of stains on my gym floor. 521 00:17:33,038 --> 00:17:35,739 And our new TV stars are... 522 00:17:36,875 --> 00:17:39,175 ... Handsome Ben and regular Amy. 523 00:17:39,211 --> 00:17:40,377 - We're in! We did it! - Yes! 524 00:17:40,412 --> 00:17:41,611 Wait... what? 525 00:17:41,647 --> 00:17:43,546 Turns out losing out on "Double Dare" 526 00:17:43,582 --> 00:17:45,949 isn't nearly as bad as losing your best friend. 527 00:17:54,526 --> 00:17:55,558 Hey. 528 00:17:55,594 --> 00:17:57,260 I'm not talking to you, jackass. 529 00:17:57,329 --> 00:17:58,962 That should've been me. 530 00:17:58,997 --> 00:18:00,096 It should've been us. 531 00:18:00,132 --> 00:18:01,531 There is no us. 532 00:18:03,235 --> 00:18:06,903 Look, I don't blame you for picking Ben two months ago. 533 00:18:06,938 --> 00:18:08,371 He's not my rival. 534 00:18:08,407 --> 00:18:09,973 He's just amazing. 535 00:18:10,637 --> 00:18:12,090 I guess... 536 00:18:13,578 --> 00:18:15,045 I'm a jackass, too. 537 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:16,046 Little bit. 538 00:18:17,215 --> 00:18:19,310 So much for always having each other's backs. 539 00:18:19,685 --> 00:18:21,651 I mean, "Double Dare" tore us apart. 540 00:18:21,687 --> 00:18:22,920 So fast. 541 00:18:23,522 --> 00:18:25,722 Are we, like, terrible best friends? 542 00:18:25,757 --> 00:18:26,649 Maybe. 543 00:18:27,641 --> 00:18:28,892 But if we are, 544 00:18:28,927 --> 00:18:30,927 I hope we're terrible best friends forever. 545 00:18:30,962 --> 00:18:34,397 I'm talking graduation, college, law school. 546 00:18:34,433 --> 00:18:36,833 Hell, I'm gonna be the bro of honor at your wedding. 547 00:18:36,868 --> 00:18:40,070 And when you're like 100 and at an old-age home, 548 00:18:40,105 --> 00:18:41,538 I'm gonna be watching "Double Dare" 549 00:18:41,573 --> 00:18:42,639 right there next to you. 550 00:18:43,909 --> 00:18:45,875 You think it'll still be on? 551 00:18:45,911 --> 00:18:47,577 Oh, for sure. 552 00:18:49,114 --> 00:18:50,447 I made you something. 553 00:18:50,482 --> 00:18:52,582 What is this? 554 00:18:52,651 --> 00:18:55,485 I know how hard you worked learning my favorite thing, 555 00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:58,354 so I thought it was time I learned about yours. 556 00:19:00,058 --> 00:19:03,059 You made a scrapbook for me? 557 00:19:03,095 --> 00:19:03,860 Pretty good, huh? 558 00:19:03,895 --> 00:19:05,628 No. It's a train wreck. 559 00:19:05,664 --> 00:19:07,597 You glittered where you should've laced, 560 00:19:07,632 --> 00:19:09,432 and you laced where you should've stenciled. 561 00:19:09,468 --> 00:19:10,577 It's all so complicated! 562 00:19:10,602 --> 00:19:11,829 Doesn't matter. 563 00:19:12,471 --> 00:19:13,436 I love it. 564 00:19:13,472 --> 00:19:15,271 Look, I'm lucky to have a wife 565 00:19:15,307 --> 00:19:17,741 who wants to spend time with a man like me. 566 00:19:17,776 --> 00:19:19,776 So what do you say... 567 00:19:19,811 --> 00:19:22,445 Next time, I tag along to your scrapbook club? 568 00:19:22,481 --> 00:19:24,347 You were right. 569 00:19:24,382 --> 00:19:27,250 Scrapbooking is my time away. 570 00:19:27,285 --> 00:19:29,285 You just stick with your feetball. 571 00:19:29,321 --> 00:19:30,920 With that, my parents decided 572 00:19:30,956 --> 00:19:32,422 to give each other some space... 573 00:19:32,457 --> 00:19:34,724 Until The Eagles fumbled. 574 00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:35,558 Aah! 575 00:19:35,594 --> 00:19:37,026 That's it. Season's over. 576 00:19:37,062 --> 00:19:38,895 No, all we need's a touchdown, 577 00:19:38,930 --> 00:19:40,130 an onside kick, a field goal, 578 00:19:40,165 --> 00:19:41,364 and then two more touchdowns. 579 00:19:41,399 --> 00:19:42,499 Stop it. 580 00:19:42,534 --> 00:19:44,267 Off to the craft store. Be back in a jiff. 581 00:19:44,302 --> 00:19:45,468 No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait! 582 00:19:45,504 --> 00:19:47,170 Come here, come here, come here, come here. 583 00:19:47,205 --> 00:19:49,072 I think The Eagles could use some of your luck. 584 00:19:50,575 --> 00:19:53,843 That's the thing about the relationships that matter most. 585 00:19:53,879 --> 00:19:56,279 Sure, they get messy, and sometimes you fumble, 586 00:19:56,314 --> 00:19:59,415 but when you're a team, you always win. 587 00:19:59,484 --> 00:20:01,885 Ben and Amy, on what TV series 588 00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:04,554 does Andy Griffith regularly play a lawyer? 589 00:20:04,589 --> 00:20:06,456 - "Matlock." - Yes, right again. 590 00:20:06,491 --> 00:20:07,757 You have another $10. 591 00:20:07,793 --> 00:20:09,425 Guess we should call her "Smart Amy." 592 00:20:10,929 --> 00:20:13,196 _ 593 00:20:13,231 --> 00:20:15,265 Ben and Amy, on what TV series 594 00:20:15,300 --> 00:20:18,101 does Andy Griffith regularly play a lawyer? 595 00:20:18,136 --> 00:20:19,969 - "Matlock." - Yes, right again. 596 00:20:57,305 --> 00:20:59,360 The hell are you doing? Tryouts were yesterday. 597 00:21:00,751 --> 00:21:01,751 Tryouts for what? 598 00:21:01,962 --> 00:21:05,962 Synced & corrected by -robtor www.addic7ed.com 42450

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