All language subtitles for The Goldbergs (2013) - 03x12 - Baio and Switch.

Back in the '80s
before we could easily text money

to any charity we wished,
we had the world-famous

charity craze that completely
swept the entire country.

Hands across America...
It's happening this weekend,

and you will not
make coach look bad.

All right, listen up.

This limited-edition,
government-issued visor

means that I have
been personally appointed

regional captain
because I volunteered.

It is my duty to make sure
everybody in this town

forms a human chain
to stop the homeless.

Questions.

Goldberg.

Isn't it kind of mean
to form a chain

and not let the homeless
people pass through?

That was my first thought, too,

but it was explained to me
that we would be allowing

the homeless to come
and go as they please.

- Goldberg again.
- Still confused.

- Um, how does holding hands help anyone?
- Hello.

Everyone in America
is gonna hold hands at once

to show we are symbolically
unified

in our fight to end
homelessness.

It's beautiful, really.

Hell, I wish I had
more than two hands.

Yes, we get it.

You're the socially aware girl.

No reason to showboat
about it, other Goldberg.

I'll stop talking.

Now, in the spirit of the event,

let's hit the floor
and practice.

Let's go! Move it!

Grab and squeeze, people!

Interlace those fingers!

Engage every digit!

I want to see hustle, and I want
to see determination!

Yeah! Let me feel it!

There it is... a chain.

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It was the second Wednesday
of the month, 1980-something,

and the Harvest Hop
was coming up.

It was the first dance where
you had to ask someone.

I mean, seriously, why
do I have to wait

for some meathead to ask
me to a lame-ass dance?

- Because that's how society works.
- Count me out.

Well, I have it
on good authority

that Adam Abel is going
to ask someone today.

I could give a crap
about that nerd.

He's coming this way.

Go, go, go!

Hey.

Pam, you, um, have a date
to the dance and stuff?

No.

Are... You okay?

Pbht!

Yeah.

Why wouldn't I be?

- You sure you're okay?
- No, genius.

I'm like the only girl
who didn't get asked.

That's freaking humiliating.

Well, you can always go
with your awesome best friend.

Ew.

Stop! It'll be fun.

We can goof on everyone.

Dana can't fly
out to go with me.

This way we're not total
losers without dates.

Normally, I'd roll
my eyes and punch you,

but honestly, I'm
desperate, so yes.

Dear god, yes.

Get off me, dork.

You're a complicated person.

Turns out the only good thing

about having
a girlfriend in Seattle

was I was completely free
to help out a friend.

Or not.

- Surprise!
- What? Why?

My grandma broke her hip,

so my parents are letting
me visit her.

So lucky.

For us... She's bummed.

So we get to go to the dance!

Yeah, about the dance.

Oh, my god. You're not excited.

You're going with someone else?

Are we not us anymore?

No, of course we're us.

I'm going with you,
my girlfriend, who I love.

Mm!

I'm so excited.

Me also excited.

As I was reeling
from my two dates to the dance,

my mom was reeling after a visit
with Virginia Kremp.

Is that your family
at the flower show again?

"The Inquirer" put your picture
in the paper last year.

Oh, well, Charles won
top florist again.

His topiary of Rosa Parks
was the real star.

Well, all I know
is you got another

stunning picture
of your whole family.

You're like the freaking
Kennedys of Jenkintown.

Please, no, we're not. Do
people really say that?

I'd give anything to have just
one photo of me and my babies

looking that happy on the front
page of the paper.

Well, Barry did make
the paper for that time

he got in the fight
with the service horse.

He really thought
it was his apple.

- Horses are tricky.
- Yeah.

Little did my mom know

her photo op was right
around the corner.

Oh, my god.

Are you two crafting together?

By choice?

No, no, no, calm down.
We're not crafting.

We're just making art
with construction paper,

markers, and glitter
for public display.

That's crafting.

Fine, we're crafting.

We need to spread the word
about hands across America.

Yeah, I don't know
about that whole thing.

Hands have germs.

Think of all those colds
passing across the country

like a big bacteria highway.

- Ugh.
- Whatever.

I'm doing it because it'll help
people in real need.

And I'm doing it
for the celebrity contact.

Hoping to hold hands
with Heather Locklear.

No... Alyssa Milano.

No... K.I.T.T., the car
from "Knight Rider."

You can't hold hands
with a car, idiot.

- I'll hold the antenna.
- Wait a minute.

Celebrities are doing this?

Yeah, downtown Philly
actually nabbed Scott Baio.

From "Happy Days"
and "Chachi In Charge"?

Don't forget "Zapped!"
Where he uses

his magic powers to lift
girls' dresses.

Turn that off.

Point is this thing's gonna
be a huge deal.

It's literally going to be

on the front page
of all the papers.

You mean like newspapers?

Like the kind that take pictures
of moms and their kids?

What?

What happened?

- I want to help with hands across America.
- Okay.

And by help, I mean push you
aside and take over entirely.

- I said okay.
- Really?

I'm in way over my head.

They want me to organize,
make posters.

They gave me a pen and a ledger.

I don't know
what to do with them.

To record the donations.

Oh, no, I...

I've been putting
everybody's cash in a bag.

Well, there must be
thousands there.

I don't know. I'm a gym teacher,
I'm not a count teacher.

You mean a math teacher?

I don't know. I'm not
an English teacher, either.

Did you at least get
us a celebrity?

No, th... we can't
compete with Philly.

Philly is the Paris
of Pennsylvania.

They got Baio. We
got Jack Squat.

You should go rest.

As my mom was saving
Coach Mellor,

I was racing for the one man
who always rescued me.

- Dad.
- Yes.

I need help. Where's Pops?

There he is. Thank god.

Pops, I have two dates
to the dance.

Way to go, kiddo!

No, it's a bad thing.

Oh, yeah, it is.

No, I agreed to go
with Emmy Mirsky

to cheer her up,
but Dana flew in.

Then just tell Emmy
you're going with Dana.

- She'll understand.
- No, she won't.

A guy dissed her, and I saw her
cry for the first time ever.

Then just tell Dana you
can't go with her.

She'll freak out if I go
with another girl,

even if it is Emmy.

Then take them both. They
never even have to know.

Like Peter did on "The
Brady Bunch"?

I Brady-bunched two ladies at a U.S.O.
Dance back in '41.

Never felt so alive.

Stop.

Nobody's Brady-Bunching anyone.

You want some real advice?

Don't be a moron.

Seriously?

That's your advice
for everything.

It applies to everything.

I think I'm gonna stick
with Pops' advice.

All right, time
for a TV master class

on how to juggle
two dates at once.

First up, the gold standard...

"The Brady Bunch,"
and I'm Peter.

Because your weird voice
cracks just like his?

Despite that shot
at my self-esteem,

I knew with the help
of my trusty TV shows,

I could pull
off two dates at once.

Oh, no! Peter
Brady, you blew it.

Or so I thought.

No! Alex P. Keaton.

Each one was worse
than the next.

Jack's screwed!

Both women
are at the Regal Beagle.

As we watched the same
plot done on every show,

it became abundantly clear.

Dude, it can't be done.

Shut up, Dave Kim!

I see that.

As my universe was crumbling,
my mom saw a world

where she finally got a photo
in the paper with her kids.

Yo, yo, yo, volunteers.

Who's ready to get this
homeless party started?

Mom, what are you doing here?

You're looking at the new
regional captain

- for Hands Across America.
- What happened to Coach Mellor?

He cracked under the pressure,
but don't worry.

Mama's here.

I know how important
this is for you.

- Yeah, I'm out.
- Me too. Shut it down, people.

Whoa, hold up.

Now that I'm involved,
you're just gonna bail?

Nothing personal... you
just make fun things suck.

Well, that...

That is a shame because this
lady right here

just got Scott Baio

to ditch Philly
and come to J-town.

Dude, we got Fonzie's cousin.

No, everyone stop.

Mom, did you really
get Scott Baio?

I literally just got
off the phone with Scotty B.

He told me to call him Scotty B.

And he agreed to come here
and hold hands with me.

I call the one available hand.

No way... The hand is mine!

Okay, this is my future husband.
Why do you care?

'Cause he's my future best bro.

And once Scott meets me,

he'll ditch Willie Ames
and fly me to Hollywood

so I never have to talk
to you people again.

This is bullcrap... just 'cause
your crazy-hot mom is in charge,

you guys both get dibs?

Please, Mrs. Goldberg, pick me.

I really need a win... So bad.

- No, I want Scott's hand in my hand.
- Mom, you have seen his poster in my room.

I bet my hands are cooler
than yours if we held hem together.

Mrs. Goldberg... no, stop fighting.
Stop fighting.

I'll sleep on it, okay?

I'll sleep on it, all right?

But now I have
to immediately leave...

Not to call Scott Baio
'cause I've done it.

All right, I just... I have
to go and do a thing.

The dance was only a day away,

and I realized my plan
was a dead end.

Pops, I watched all the shows...
Two dates never works.

Not even on "Cheers"?

Cliff had a date with Carla
and Diane to the postman's ball.

It was a total junk show.

See, I'm not a fan
of today's comedy.

Now, "The Honeymooners"...

I don't need a trip
down memory lane.

I need help,

and you said you pulled
off the perfect Brady Bunch.

- How?
- Actually, the women kind of invited me.

We've got some advice for you.

Yeah, yeah, don't be a moron.

If you know the advice, why
aren't you following it?

Don't worry, kiddo.
Pops always has a plan.

With my help, you'll be
the first kid

in history to juggle
two dates at a dance.

Well, I did juggle
three grapes at camp.

You know who's not a moron?

You're not a moron.

You're not a moron.

You're not a moron.

No.

As Pops was convincing me
I could pull this off,

Erica and Barry were ready
to convince our mom

that they were worthy
of Baio's hand.

Erica, what's going on?

Bad dream, Mama. Can
we do spoonies?

Oh, my god, spoonies?

Get on in the warm spot, girl.

- This is so nice.
- Hm.

Speaking of, um, any thoughts
about Scott Baio?

Uh, yeah, about that...

Knock, knock.

Who wants brekky in bed?

You made Mama breakfast?

Nobody cares
because I'm spending

- the whole day with my favorite lady.
- You are?

Well, Mom and I are spending
the entire weekend together.

We are?

- Stop doing what you're doing.
- You stop.

You're only giving spoons

so she'll pick you
to hold Baio's hand.

Oh, and you're not?
What's with the stupid sweater?

My favorite sweater?

Mommy made it
for my 12th birthday.

I feel so handsome, Mommy.

You look so handsome,
Schmoofers.

She's the sun.

- I'm the moon.
- You're the moon!

Okay, you want to go to war?
Let's go.

Mommy, I want you to pick out a guy
for me to date and marry.

- That is my dream.
- No, no, no! Not so fast.

I've been thinking about it,
and I'm gonna let you

dance with me before I dance
with my bride at my wedding.

That is also my dream,
but I also get to wear white.

- That's non-negotiable.
- Yes!

I'm gonna have five kids,
and I want you to babysit

every night and tell
me what to do.

You will live with me forever.

I will build a mother suite
off the master bedroom

even if it severely
damages my marriage.

I'm out. It's too
rich for my blood.

Yes! I win!

Oh, no, what have I done?

Future Barry's problem.

Despite herself, my mom loved
her kids fighting over her.

Just one problem...
she was now pulling a classic

- Baio and Switch and needed a way out.
- Careful.

- We need to talk.
- Whoa, not so fast.

That was a non-sanctioned
sit-down.

- On your feet.
- Please, I need your help.

This whole thing has
gotten away from me.

No, no, Coach has washed his hands
of Hands Across America.

Look, all I wanted
was one photo op with my kids.

Now they're fighting
over my love to get to Baio.

That feather-haired man-boy
is making all my dreams come true.

That's why we need to get
him here instead of Philly.

Give up on your Baio dreams.

- It ain't happening.
- It has to happen.

I told the whole school
he's coming here.

What? Why would you do that?

I thought I could
work my Yenta magic,

but I've been calling
for three days.

- Baio's people are icing me out.
- Well, how the hell can I help?

Come on, you must have
at least one celebrity lead.

No, I'm a gym teacher.
I rotate two pairs of shorts.

Then I guess it's over.

Unless you got
out and you get yourself

a celebrity that's better
than Baio.

Better than Baio?
Is that possible?

It is with one of my patented
game-day pep talks.

Now, listen up.

It's the fourth quarter.
You're down by 1 point.

Who's gonna run the option
and take it to the big house?

Run the what?

All right.

It's 11:00 P.M.

You just got off a flight
with your family.

They're crabby. They're hungry.

You look in the cupboard.

Oh, all you got
is one can of tuna.

But it doesn't matter 'cause
there's only one person

that can feed those babies tuna

and make sure they go
to sleep with full tum-tums.

- Me!
- You're damn right it's you.

Now go out and get yourself
the biggest celebrity

this god-forsaken
town's ever seen.

Oh.

Sorry. My bad, little ones.

You guys okay?

All right, let's take
a breather.

Who wants water?

That night, I was also
on a mission...

Make a foolproof plan to bring
two dates to the same dance.

All right, boys,
let's run this again.

What are we looking at?

The gym is 94x50 feet.

That leave us with two large
zones to keep the girls apart.

Check. Let's talk song list.

We're looking at 16 songs
lasting 2 hours and 6 minutes

including "The Time Warp."

Okay, let's do a dry run. Adam.

The terrordrome
is our battlefield.

I'm Michelangelo.

Dana is Princess Leia.

Emmy's the hulk.

Copy... song 1.

"Like a Prayer", Madonna.

Dana and I dance,
then I say I got

to hit the bathroom
and run to Emmy.

Song 2.

"Careless Whisper," wham!

I tell Emmy I'll grab her punch

then run back to Dana
for a slow dance.

I interrupt and pretend
I lost my contact lens.

I leave to help Dave Kim
then book it back to Emmy.

- See that?
- Working as a team together.

Trust me... This whole
thing is wired.

What the hell?

'Sup, jerk?

Balls.

You didn't know
she was staying with me?

Balls, balls.

Hello, my name is Dave Kim.
I lost my contact lens.

Dana, can you help me find it

for 8 to 10 minutes
out of earshot?

Not now, Dave Kim.
It's gone to hell.

We didn't even make
it out of the house.

- I know.
- Two dates can't be done.

- I know!
- Dude, he's created a whole

nerd world to plot against us.

This is super-creepy, Adam.

My god, did you
make me the hulk?

Yes, but only 'cause I don't
like you when you're angry.

This is so scheming
and disrespectful.

No, please, don't start
doubting my character.

- Group hug?
- Ugh, just leave us alone, liar.

Ugh.

Okay.

New advice... lay low.

Now that I can pull off.

But that was impossible
'cause the next day,

literally everyone
in the country

gathered for Hands
Across America.

Adam, over here! It's your mama.

So instead, I hid.

Don't ignore me. I'm
regional captain.

- I deserve respect.
- No, no, no.

Shh!

I'm hiding in the shadows, okay?

What are you talking about?

Today is the day
that me and my kids

finally get on the front
page of the newspaper.

All of us... No exceptions.

Yes, I... I.. I'll hide
with you people.

Block my head
with your enormous hair.

I'm so nervous for Baio.

My hands are super-sweaty
but soft.

I've been moisturizing all day.
So where is he?

- Yeah, where's the Scottster anyway?
- Oh, my god, no!

You can't lure Scott

with your off-the-shoulder
crop top and short skirt.

You really think I would use
my young feminine form

to get Scott Baio's attention?

I do look good, though, right?

Uh, actually, I have
some good news, bad news.

Uh, the bad news
is Baio's not coming.

- What?
- You monster!

No, stop it.

I actually got
a bigger celebrity.

- Michael Jackson?
- Rob Lowe?

Jermaine Jackson.

Better... I have
the most famous person

in Philadelphia history.

Please give a warm Hands
Across America welcome

to Ben Franklin.

Good morrow, fellow colonists.

I am founding father,
Benjamin Franklin.

Allow me to gaze upon you
through my bifocals,

which I invented in 1784.

- Why is this thing still talking?
- Ooh, the paper's here.

Okay, everybody hold
hands and sing.

Bev, I don't think the rest
of the country is ready just yet.

You never even had
Scott Baio, did you?

No time to talk.

All right, Adam, stop
hiding in my hair.

Ooh! Emmy, Dana, come and hold
hands and take a picture.

- We'd rather not.
- They'd really rather not.

Okay, well, it's not a choice.

Every hand not held
is another homeless family.

- I don't think...
- Okay, just do it, just do it, just do it.

Photographers!

Smile, smile. Teeth, teeth.

I'd like to, but they're
crushing my bones

with their strong lady hands.

Mine too. I'm just a pawn!

- Ow!
- Ow!

- Ow!
- Ow!

- Ow!
- Ow!

This is a nightmare!

How are they stronger than us?

The moment had come.

It was finally time to hold
hands across America.

Boys, quick! Grab Mommy's hands!

Holy crap, it's happening.

Okay. Come on, you guys.

You've got to hold my hand.

Hold my hand, damn it.

No way. You lied to us.

Beverly, what are you doing?

Come on, it's time. Hold hands.

Kids, do it.

- Never.
- Hold my hands.

We will hold no hands.

What is wrong with you people?!

- Please!
- No way.

This is for the homeless!

Hold my hands.

- No way.
- Hold hands!

Please, just hold my hands.

- Never.
- No way.

- Hold hands!
- I shall hold your hand.

Oh off, Ben Franklin.

Mom, no! Back off, mom.

I'm not holding your hand.

No, no, don't put
that in the paper.

It's gonna look
like the Goldbergs

Broke Hands Across America.

Goldbergs... got it.

Oh, that's a keeper.

And so, Hands Across America
was single-handedly a bust.

All I wanted was one nice
photo for the wall.

That's all I ever wanted.

No.

No, you're the one who lied.

You can't make us
feel bad about this.

As my mom's spirit
was crushed, so were my hands.

Hey. How you holding up?

Well, I've got no
girlfriend, no best friend,

and no feeling
in both hands, so not good.

You know what I think?

Yes, I'm a moron. I get it.

No, I don't think you do.

When I say, "don't be a moron,"
it really means something.

You mean beyond just being
rude and insulting?

Yeah, that's just part of it.

But it's my way of saying be
honest, be a good person.

It's how I live my life,
and you know what?

It works.

So, how do I make it
up to Emmy and Dana?

That's easy.

Don't be a moron.

After years of getting
advice on girls from Pops,

I learned my Dad had some wisdom
to offer after all.

What the hell are you
doing, weirdo?

I'm cordially and blatantly

inviting you both to the dance.

You can't be serious.

- Look, I screwed up,
but you have to believe me

all I wanted was to make
both of you feel special.

Emmy, you've been my best
friend since second grade.

I just couldn't bear
to see you so sad.

And, Dana, the last thing
I'd ever want to do is

to hurt the girl I love more
than anything in this world.

- Aww.
- Point is I'm a moron.

We'll got get dressed.

As it turns out, the best
plan of all was honesty.

And because of that, I was able
to do what Alex P. Keaton,

Jack Tripper, and Peter
Brady never could...

Take two girls to the same dance.

And not just any girls...

The most important ones in my life.

And it was a night
I always remember.

Crying at "Zapped!"
That's a first.

No, I just... I feel bad.

I'm a bad mama.

I don't think any of us
were at our best.

Which actually
worked in our favor.

This... is not what I meant at all.

I know we're not
actually holding hands,

but if this picture isn't
us, I don't know what is.

You're right.

I love it.

That's the thing
about the people you love.

It's not always picture-perfect.

Sometimes you have to live
in the moment and take it all in.

But side-by-side, hand-in-hand...

you'll find it's pretty great.

And sure,

you may make a lot
of mistakes along the way.

Growing up is a tricky dance,

but occasionally, you
find your groove.

Last dance of the night.

Have fun, dorks.

Actually I don't think you
should take off just yet.

I talked to Adam Abel.

I'm gonna kill you.

- He saved you a dance.
- I love you.

Ah!

Ugh. I don't understand
how we all got the flu.

I told you... with all that hand
holding, you'd catch a bug.

Will you stop saying that.
It's not even how it works.

Ooh, sounds like we may
have a special visitor.

Wait, did Scott Baio's people
finally get back to you?

No, but, uh, I still have

Ben Franklin rented for an hour.

Good morrow, sick children.

As I so famously said
in 1780-something,

an apple a day keeps
the doctor...

- No!
- Not again.

I hate this president.

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