Original subtitles

Well, I guess it would be nice If I could touch your body

I know not everybody Has got a body like you

But I've got to think twice Before I give my heart away

And I know all the games you play Because I play them too

Oh, but I need some time off...

-Has he ever had hair on his head? -Yes.

-Did he, when you met him? -No.

But he's got hair everywhere else. I don't want to know actually.

Well, it takes a strong man, baby But I'm showing you the door

Because I gotta have faith

I gotta have faith

Because I gotta have faith

I gotta have faith

-Has he asked you to marry him? -Yeah.

-He has? -Yes.

What, you said no?

-Baa, baa, black sheep -Baa, baa, black sheep

-You're not gonna have many chances. -Okay.

Any wool, any, any wool

You got a limited number of eggs.

Yes, sir, yes, sir, yes, sir Yes, sir, I got three bags full

They're dropping out every month.

And they lose quality the older you get.

That's why I only had you.

I would have loved to have had another stab at it.

Thank you.

Black sheep

Right, okay, so as you know,

Krebel Farms have asked us to put the sexy back into eggs

for their relaunch as a teen brand.

-So, Nigel, how are you...? -Sorry.

There she is. Come on in, do join us.

So how are you two getting on with the work you've been doing?

Good. Yeah. We're working on...

...egg deejays. Deejaying eggs.

Omelet. Omelet decks.

Sally did some pretty fun mock-ups of the deejay...

-All right, let's see those, then. -I didn't bring it going today.

Sorry. I can bring them next time.

There isn't a next time, Sally. This is the meeting to do with this.

So any other ideas?

I have a boiled egg every morning,

and I'm convinced they make your boobs grow.

Mine just get bigger and bigger.

Right. Market research does show that we do need to address

what people don't like about eggs as much as what they do.

-Exactly. -Yeah.

You're right. I mean, I really worry

about the little brown bits you find in the yolk.

-I don't know. Is that a tiny stool? -Stool?

No, no, no. It's not a stool. It's a bit of fetus, half-formed.

Maybe that's how we should pitch the campaign, you know.

"Can you face the horror within the shell?"

We could, but right now I'm wondering whether perhaps it'd be better

if we just disguised the eggshells altogether.

Eggs in bras.

That was one idea we were thinking of.

-Egg lingerie. -Right, eggs and bras.

A way of presenting the eggs in a sort of fun, sexy, provocative way.

You could do. I mean, we could bring in your scene there

because young girls do want to have a chest, don't they, as they grow.

So you could have...

Eggs in trainer bras, maybe, would be better.

Fried eggs. You know, like little girls have.

Not the big'uns like she's got.

Well, I had a full chest by the age of ten.

-I was eight. -Oh, Sally?

One got big at nine. The other one...

Twelve? I don't know.

No, I meant, did you have any more ideas?

-Sorry about earlier. -No, it's fine. What happened?

I just forgot everything. Left all my stuff in the Tube.

-In the Tube? -What's that smell?

It's probably my massive ball bag.

Hey. I think she fancies me.

-Sally? -You know how she's all, like...

...gets flustered about me, and, like, walks off.

That's classic pheromone stuff, isn't it?

I thought pheromones are supposed to draw the opposite sex towards you.

No, no, it repels them because I'm so powerful.

She gets overwhelmed. Wants to go and lie down.

So I was thinking I'd probably make a move, if that's all right with you.

Yeah. Fine. Why wouldn't it be? Go for it.

You've not been looking for a rebound shag?

No. No, that's all...

I've shut up shop in that department. Yeah.

Do you mind if I...?

Well, no, just labeling my dairy products.

-I have brittle bones. -Okay.

Well, my legs are useless, but...

...it's good to keep the bones present.

-Just the bones. -Right, yeah.

I just wanted to say...

I know we're both going for the promotion, but...

-Well, I hope we could be friends. -Yeah, of course. I'd like that.

I don't want people thinking just because I'm in the chair that...

...I've got an unfair advantage over you.

No, no, not at all. I mean, I didn't notice the chair.

-I was run over. -I'm sorry.

By my mom.

God, that's awful. Was it recently?

No, I was quite young.

She reversed over me, and then back again.

She said she thought it was a large dog.

But we think she knew.

Why don't you come along?

Get off me!

Get off me!

It's ok, Baby. Baby, stop. It's me.

What the fuck are you? Oh, my God.

-I'm just trying to spice up... -Jesus Christ!

I'm just fed up with you saying I'm boring and predictable

and my penis is too small.

I never said it was too small.

I just said I couldn't feel anything.

Where did you get the balaclava?

Blacks. It was quite expensive.

Well, can you take it back?

I'll try. I think I've still got the receipt.

I'm going to bed.

Sal.

I know this isn't the best time, but...

David.

Sally, will you marry me?

God, it feels a bit weird after that.

I know, I know, I know. My timing is terrible, but...

I love you, Sal.

I love you.

I want to lay roots down, and start a family with you, please.

David.

Please say yes.

Sal, we've known each other for ten years.

-I'm so ill. Please. -She's got a flu.

I don't know, Sal. Please say yes.

You're not getting any younger. You're not gonna meet anyone else.

Please, Sal.

Okay.

-Really? -Yeah.

Sal, that's fantastic. That's fantastic.

Oh, that's lovely.

I've got something to show you. Close your eyes.

Mum would burst...

...if you would wear...

...this.

-Was that hers? -Yeah.

There's a few stains, but it does smell really nice.

Yeah, smell.

-I'm good. -It's lovely.

-Are you sure? -I'm good.

Okay.

All right. Back in here.

Oh, dear. Do you want one of these?

-No, I'm fine. -Are you sure? Very well.

I'm gonna have a biccie.

I thought we're gonna have some intercourse.

I think I'm fine.

-I'm good for that. -Are you sure?

No, thank you.

I think it got a bit stuck.

Want some water?

It got jam in it.

They're Jammie Dodgers, that's why.

-Do you not want to make love? -No. Thank you.

I'm too tired.

-I'd love to make love to you. -I don't want to. Thank you.

What was on the dress?

Oh, just stains. Mom had quite an overactive gland.

And I bet it fits.

What gland?

Oh, well, she never liked to talk about it, really.

But it was, you know, that one.

Hello, Miss Fancy Boots.

Yeah, my mouth has never been drier, and I've never cared less.

Boom boom bump along

Sexy lady

Come on, boom Boom boom bump along

Oh, sexy baby

Boom boom bump along

I wonder what your name is

Boom boom bump along

I wonder what your game is

Little girl, you look so nice like Mary and her little lamb

I'm the one, Lou Pa

-I want to play like a deep sea -Sexy lady

-I want to play you to the moon -Oh, sexy baby

I'm gonna shake you up like kombucha

I wonder what your name is

That life that you've been leading

I wonder what your game is

It doesn't suit you

Hey, DG, can you get her a beer?

You're still going to get your tap done.

Sorry. Can I get whatever this is?

Ozzy Osbourne says that my dog has a massive diarrhea.

Sorry, do you mind not throwing beer at me? Are you thick?

-Sorry. -I smell like a hot bat.

Don't worry about him. Don't be such an A-hole, Steven.

No, that is...

-Hey. -Hi.

-I'm really glad you came. -Me too.

-I kind of knew you would. -Really? How?

I just got a fifth sense for these things.

-But I was just passing. -Yeah?

No.

-Je m'appelle Emma. -Sorry?

Je m'appelle Emma.

I'm part-French.

-Hey, baby. -Hey, baby.

Come on. Let's go dance.

Yeah, yeah. I'll come in a minute, sweetie.

-I'm just talking to my sister. -Sister?

Yeah. Sally...

Sally, yeah.

I'm just gonna catch up with her, okay? I'll see you in a bit.

-Let's do slammers. -I'm actually feeling very depressed.

-Why are you depressed? -I had my hair cut twice this week.

-How are you feeling? -Yeah, depressed again.

Your eyes are kind of like diamond.

Liquid diamond.

Sorry. I'm, sorry.

I've got to go. I've got to go home.

Why?

Morning, morning, Mrs. Fiancée.

Good morning, Sal.

Sal?

-What? -I was just saying good morning.

-You've got glitter on your face. -Here?

And in your hair.

I was...

I was trying out some makeup ideas for the wedding.

-During the night? -Yeah. Because...

Yeah, I couldn't sleep. Just some ideas I'm trying.

-Like boozy. -Yeah.

I had a drink when I was doing my makeup ideas.

Is that okay?

-Yes. -Great.

-Of course it's okay, Sal. -Thank you.

I do love you, David.

I love you, Sal. I love you so much.

You're my special, special girl.

I keep imagining you in mom's dress.

I'm getting quite a bump.

Can I rub yours?

-I can feel your bobble. -Dave, I don't feel very well.

-I feel a bit sick. I might be sick. -Sal.

You could always, you know...

Could you watch?

Do you mind if I don't?

All right, that's me. Off to sunny Wolverhampton.

-Hope you get some nice pics. -I'll be back in a few days.

-Don't mope about without me. -I won't.

-What's that? -What?

-What's that? -I don't know.

-I thought you might need that? -Oh, God. Thank you.

Do you need to lie down? Blood transfusion?

-Congratulations, Sally. -What?

Your engagement. I saw it in David's Facebook.

-Wow. Really? -Yeah, it's, you know.

Exciting times. It must be nice, though.

You meet someone early on, and they're the right person.

I never really felt like that with Lorraine.

She's a right cow, Lorraine.

Footloose and fancy-free, like me.

Can we have less gassing and more working, please, gang?

Sorry.

Oh, hi.

-Hi. -Sorry, I slipped LSD.

-I guess you knew that from last night. -Yeah.

You're so beautiful.

Thank you. You too.

So, yeah, I've this kind of really heavy situation.

-Oh, God, what... -I can't really talk about it.

-What is it? -It's just...

-Oh, no, I'm sorry... -It's okay.

It's really heavy. Super-heavy.

The thrust of it is that my landlady is a complete bitch,

and she has thrown me out.

I just need somewhere to kind of sleep for one night.

I don't know if you got, like, some garden space or a shed or something.

-Yeah... -I don't want to be an impostor.

No, I mean, you know, we're friends, and it's great were friends.

Friends.

I mean, last night was amazing.

-You're amazing. -Amazing.

I can't stop thinking about your mouth.

It's just the whole girl...

-with women... -Lesbian.

Yeah, that thing, right. I just don't know if it's me.

Really? It seemed like it was for you.

I could feel your pussy through your skirt.

-Okay. -It seemed like she liked it.

Okay.

It's just that I'm with someone.

-Are you in love with her? -It's a him.

I mean, he's away, actually. Not that, that matters.

- Secret is Baron. -Yeah.

I don't know what I said.

Oh. What.... God, I...?

I'm sorry, I gotta get to the loo. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I can't do this. I can't do this.

-Why? -I gotta go home.

-This is feeling really weird. -Please, just don't go. Please.

-No. I'm engaged. -Please.

-Please, can we just be friends? -I can't be friends with you.

-So that's it, then? -That's it.

I'm so sorry. I'm just... I'm so confused.

-Look, we're not breaking up. -I don't know.

Sally, we're getting married.

I got my hat this morning from Amazon.

I'm so sorry.

Do you still love me?

Of course I still love you. I'm just not attracted to you anymore.

Since when?

Maybe the last seven years.

It's like with you, I just felt like I had no libido at all.

But with this woman, it's like she understands my body.

-You've done stuff? -Oh, just...

...bits and bumps.

Oh, no.

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