Original subtitles

Thank you very much. Well, Roz... Oh, baby pictures?

Actually, these aren't the most flattering.

Oh, nonsense, Baby Alice couldn't possibly take a bad picture.

Oh, well, that's just adorable,

the silly little one with the jam all over her face.

Well, actually, that's not jam, Frasier, it's baby eczema.

Oh, well, there's no need to worry about that.

That sort of thing is bound to clear up.

- Or spread. - Just give them back.

Oh, hello, all.

- Oh, Niles. - Baby pictures.

I don't really want anyone to look at those.

Well, I don't know why not.

Botticelli himself couldn't have painted a more perfect angel.

Well, thank you, Niles. She is precious, isn't she?

I know.

Anyway, Niles, how did things go with Maris' lawyers?

Cappuccino, please.

Maris is determined to prolong my suffering.

She's asked to postpone our court date another eight months.

- Eight months? - Yes.

Last night, I was in such a state, I wished I had a piano to crawl under.

What?

It's a habit I developed as a child to combat anxiety.

There's something about the safe, dark, protected environment.

- It seemed comforting to me. - Yes.

The week before his first Little League tryout, he practically lived under there.

Well, we all did weird stuff when we were kids.

I know.

So, Niles, how did your lawyers respond to this postponement request?

Well, I can tell you they weren't very happy about it.

They got on the phone, raised some hell

and got that postponement cut down to seven months.

Niles, are you serious? You think maybe it's time

that you consider getting some new lawyers?

Fire Harrison and Reid? They're the top firm in Seattle.

But they're bleeding you dry. They don't mind these postponements.

The longer they draw this out, the more money they'll get.

Oh, you know, I have the perfect person for you to call.

My old boyfriend, Donny. He's a great lawyer.

No offence, Roz, but I highly doubt

that your Donny is in the same league with Harrison and Reid.

Don't be so sure. I mean, he's smart, he's tough.

He doesn't take no for an answer, not that I ever tested that theory.

Wait a minute, are we talking about Donny Douglas?

- Yes. - Oh, my God.

Niles, I've read about this guy. He's the one they call The Piranha.

Yeah, but that's because he has this night-grinding problem

that makes his teeth really sharp and tiny.

Yes, well, anyway, Niles, I mean, this guy just won a huge case.

I mean, he might be just who you need.

I appreciate your concern,

but, really, my situation is not as dire as you're making it out to be.

- What's that smell? - What smell?

The one coming out of your briefcase.

Oh, I don't smell anything.

Oh, my God, is this your lunch?

A bologna sandwich?

And a fruit cocktail?

Oh, Niles, do you see what these lawyers have reduced you to?

Do you have any idea what they're having for lunch?

I don't know. They don't itemise, they just bill me for the total.

Donny should be here any minute. Make yourselves comfortable.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Frasier, you really don't have to stay.

Well, I didn't have to come at all, but if I hadn't, you never would have.

Well, the office seems nice enough.

Might have overdone it on the plants a little.

Yes, it's excess like this that's destroying the plastic rain forest.

Niles.

University of Las Vegas.

No problem finding tassels for those mortarboards.

Will you stop being such a snob?

Give this man a chance, for God's sake.

And, please, will you have a mint?

I'm halfway across the room, all I can smell is bologna.

Hey. How you doing? Donny Douglas.

- How are you? Who's who? - Mr. Douglas, I'm Frasier Crane.

- This is Niles. - You're Niles.

- Frasier Crane? - Yes.

- You're Roz's buddy, aren't you? - Yes, yes.

You gotta do me a favour, okay? Tell Roz,

finally, I had my teeth capped. See? Look.

- Oh, yes. Well, I'll tell her. - You promise you won't forget?

- Oh, not much danger of that. - Okay.

Now, I gotta be in court in about 20 minutes,

so sit down, let's get started.

Well, as we discussed on the phone...

Maria, get me my grey suit for court. Come on, come on, come on.

Maris is determined to exhaust my already strained financial resources.

- And the real injustice... - Yeah.

And, Maria, could you just cancel that 4:00 of mine?

And would you also put Joe Silva on my call sheet?

I'm listening, I'm listening. Come on.

Well, Maris has no right to be angry with me.

Maria, you're the best. Thank you so much. Cool.

What? What? Come on, let's go. What?

- I'm sorry, I forgot what I was saying. - Oh, don't worry.

Maria has that effect on men all the time.

Niles, I think you were about to tell Mr. Douglas about Dr. Schenkman.

Right. Well, last year,

Maris and I were actually making progress in couples therapy,

when, to my dismay, I discovered that she and our therapist were...

- Oh, my God. - That's right, they were...

This is the best corned beef I have ever tasted.

You've gotta have a bite of this. Here.

- Come on, it's got spicy mustard. - No, thanks.

- How about you? - Sorry, mustard allergy.

Mr. Douglas, maybe we'll come back when you have more time.

No, no, no. I got the gist. Your wife was doing your shrink.

Now she's trying to bleed you with a long pre-trial, I get it.

- Who's her lawyer? - Lockhart and Whalen.

- Maria, get me Lockhart. Or Whalen. - Wait, wait, wait, you're calling them?

Yeah, listen, could we just cut through the formalities here?

Okay.

Niles, what you need is a guy like me representing you.

What you're in here is a street fight,

and you gotta know who's covering your back.

So, what I guarantee you is this:

You will never see me unprepared,

you'll never see me intimidated,

and you will never, ever see me throw in the towel.

- Understand? - I'd certainly hope not.

- I've got Geoff Whalen on line one. - Okay, thank you.

- May I have a word with you? - Yes.

Whalen, Donny Douglas here. I'm calling about Niles Crane. Yeah.

I can't possibly let this man represent me. I'll be humiliated.

Niles, you have got to hear this man out.

I'm sorry, this is exactly what you want in a lawyer,

someone who's not afraid to show moxie.

He's an inch away from showing us the full moxie.

You're gonna get hit with a countersuit for an infliction of pain and distress.

You don't think I can win?

You call York and McFadden, you see what those bastards had to pay

for trying to pull this same crap on a client of mine.

Yeah, we're talking big numbers here, Whalen.

You haven't seen so many zeros lined up

since Mr. Spock had a book signing. Yeah.

You gotta hear this. Come here, come here.

Well, yes, of course, it's important to be reasonable.

I'm sure we can move a few things around

and be ready for court by about next month.

- Mr. Douglas? - Yeah?

Does this mean you're now representing Niles Crane?

That's exactly what that means.

And, Whalen, I'll be in touch about a discovery schedule.

Have a nice day.

- Mr. Douglas, that was brilliant. - Yes.

My goodness, almost makes me wish I was still married to Lilith.

Now, we're probably gonna get rolling sometime this week with depositions.

So, you know, pick a day, we'll get together, I will prepare you,

but it's gonna be very low-key, casual, over dinner or something.

- You're due in court in ten minutes. - Okay.

- And, Donny? - Yeah?

Mustard.

Jeez, was that there the whole time?

That's so embarrassing.

And, indeed, I had high hopes for Niles and Maris,

as is witnessed by my wedding toast,

in which I combined my heartfelt sentiments

with apt quotations from Shakespeare,

jazz great Louis Armstrong and the poet Catullus.

And so your answer would be, "Yes, I attended their wedding"?

Once again, Frasier, could you try to keep your answers brief?

- Well, l... - Trust me, he did.

All right, all right, look, I'll try to do better.

I still don't understand why they're deposing Frasier before Niles.

They like to question friends and family first

so they get as much information as they can to try to catch Niles in a lie.

They're also gonna allege that during the separation,

Niles was wasteful with money.

She's calling me wasteful?

Do you recall what she used to do when our dogs needed a shampoo?

Yes, she'd fill the bathtub with Evian.

Half the time, she'd just get a new dog.

Anyway, look, Frasier,

they might ask you if you witnessed any examples

of Niles throwing money around. And your answer would be?

- Yes. - No, no, no.

The answer is, "Not to the best of my recollection."

- But I do recall, and I'll be under oath. - Oh, please, not this again.

As you figured out, Frasier is a bit of a stickler

when it comes to his ethics, and I applaud him for it.

- Oh, great. - More coffee, anyone?

No, thank you, Daphne. I think I'm just about done here.

In fact, I've got a conference call back at the office.

I'm gonna check to see if that's still happening.

Why don't you see if there's questions we haven't done yet?

- All right? - Oh, all right, all right.

No, we've done those, all right. Oh, here's one:

"Can you recall a specific incident where Maris lost her temper

or behaved in a way you'd characterise as volatile or unstable?"

You're kidding.

No... Well, based on what? Oh, please.

- Something wrong? - No, it's okay.

No, thank you, thank you, Maria, no. Maris' lawyers, they kill me.

All week long, it's been one desperate ploy after another.

- This is the best one yet. - What is it?

Oh, now they're claiming alienation of affection.

You're kidding me. After what she did?

Now they're saying that during the marriage,

Niles was in love with another woman.

- Who? - Oh, you.

- Me? - Dear God.

That's absurd. Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous?

Well...

Not to the best of my recollection.

Why on earth would they think Dr. Crane's in love with me?

Oh, something about a country-club ball

the two of you attended a few years back.

- This is all based on that? - Yeah.

You caused quite a stir on the dance floor or something.

Yeah, we were just putting on a show for his snobby friends.

You must have been convincing,

because they're gonna subpoena you for deposition.

We can call their bluff right away, you can come tomorrow with Frasier.

- Fine by me. - Okay, great.

Now, I'm gonna have to prepare you for this because lawyers,

they can twist your words around. They get a judge to buy it,

because of the prenup, Maris can really stick it to Niles.

- But I got this conference call... - Well, I could come with you.

- We'll get it done in an hour. - Just let me grab me coat.

Don't you worry, Dr. Crane.

Now, Frasier, I hope you realise

they're gonna ask you about this business too.

- Me? - Yes, but don't worry.

This is one time when your compulsive truth-telling

won't get us into any trouble.

- Bye. - Bye.

Well, that's it. It's over. It's over, and I've lost.

- Maris has won. Maris always wins. - Niles.

Niles never wins.

Niles always loses. That's why Niles lives at the Shangri-la

and drives a hatchback.

Niles, now, get a grip. Maris' people are just fishing.

We're the only ones who know how you feel about Daphne.

Today. Tomorrow, everyone will know, including Daphne.

This is how she's gonna find out.

I wanted to whisper it to her over a candlelight dinner,

not have it read back to her by a court stenographer.

What are you talking about? Frasier's not gonna tell.

He'll be under oath. What if they ask him?

Well, he'll just say no. Right, Fras?

- Fras? - Well, it's not that simple.

You heard what he said, I'll be under oath.

Oh, my God, I can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

Niles. Here.

Put your head between your legs. I'll get you some water.

You'll be all right. Just take a couple of deep breaths.

If I could take deep breaths, it would mean I could breathe.

You're not gonna go and blow this for him, are you?

There's nothing I'd like to do more than help my brother.

I'd like to do it without violating my ethics.

But Maris is responsible for this divorce.

Niles' feelings for Daphne has nothing to do with it.

Now, if you cover for Niles, you won't be doing anything wrong.

Dad, we are talking about perjury. When is that ever acceptable?

Oh, you want an example? Fine.

Let's say, what if there was a comet hurtling towards the Earth.

For God's sake.

You could save Earth, but the only way you could do it

is by lying under oath. Would you do it then?

- Who am I lying to, the comet? - Oh, just answer the question.

All right, I suppose that in certain extreme cases...

So then you'd lie?

To save mankind from a talking comet, yes.

But you won't lie for Niles?

You make me sound like some insensitive lout

who isn't aware that my brother's out there in pain.

Isn't that Niles' water?

I'm just checking to see it's not too cold.

Niles?

- Niles? - I'm over here.

The piano. Niles.

Please, please, just come out from under there.

- Things are not that bad. - Not that bad?

Daphne is going to find out about this.

Not if you crawl out before she gets home.

Niles, please, come out here. Now, come on.

Why should I? There's nothing for me out there.

It's all lawyers and ex-wives and broken hearts.

All I have to contend with under here is a couple of dust bunnies.

A few cobwebs.

Some kind of a nest.

Dear God, doesn't your vacuum come with any attachments?

All right, just sit tight and I'll get you a wet cloth.

Look what you've done. I hope you're happy now.

Do you really wanna see me lying under oath?

It's better than seeing your brother lying under a piano.

I can't believe you're being casual about this.

Do you realise you're asking me to do something unethical?

For God's sake, nobody's even gonna know.

Yes, but that's the point.

Ethics are what we do when no one else is looking.

For heaven's sake, I learned that from you.

Are you saying you wouldn't have trouble with this?

- Niles, here. - Thank you.

Let me tell you something.

One time, when I was on the force, I saw a guy shoot somebody.

When we caught him, I started to read him his rights,

but he slipped out of his cuffs and swung at me, so I didn't finish.

Two months later, I'm on the stand

and his lawyer asks me if I read him his rights in full.

Now, if I say no, this guy walks.

And this guy's been in and out of jail all his life.

He could have read me his rights. So I say:

"Yes, I did, I read them in full." I lied under oath.

Now, you might think that I did an unethical thing,

but there's not a doubt in my mind that I did the right thing.

Well, Dad, I'm still not sure what I'm gonna do.

Why do you have to make everything so complicated?

I don't know. But I'm never gonna figure out anything

with you barking in my ear.

- Where are you going? - To get some air.

Oh, yeah, yeah, run away, just like you always do.

Boy, I sometimes don't understand your brother.

I guess some of us can deal with a tough situation head-on,

and others just need an escape.

Dr. Crane, they'll be ready for you in just a few minutes.

Thank you.

- Frasier. Hi. Have you...? - Oh, Niles. No, not yet.

Daphne's still in the conference room.

The place is slithering with Maris' lawyers.

Oh, yes. Never a mongoose around when you need one.

Listen, I'm sorry I ever put you in this position.

Niles, it's not your fault.

No, listen, I thought a lot about this last night,

and I realised the way I was carrying on yesterday

was just making it harder for you to do whatever you feel is the right thing.

I'm still not really sure what the right thing is.

Well, if it makes any difference,

I've decided to tell Donny everything about Daphne.

- Really? - Yes.

- He can proceed however he sees fit. - But why, Niles?

Well, I started to wonder,

maybe my feelings for Daphne did affect my marriage.

Maybe on some intuitive level, Maris knew all along.

I can't be certain that's not what drove her to Schenkman.

Listen to me. The only reason that marriage lasted as long as it did

was because of the effort that you put into it,

from the moment you slipped that ring onto her bony finger

and it slipped right off again.

There is no way that this divorce is your fault.

- I wish I could be sure of that. - Okay, Frasier... Oh, Niles.

Good. Frasier, they're just about ready for you.

Wait for me outside the conference room. And don't go in without me.

I want a word alone with your brother here.

Right.

Wish there was something I could do, Niles.

Well, there is. When you go home this afternoon,

leave a bottle of sherry under the piano.

Wait for me. Okay.

Glad you're here. There's something I wanna talk to you about.

- Yeah, I need to talk to you too. - No, me first.

Now, the only way this relationship is gonna work, Niles,

is if we're completely honest with each other.

- I agree. - I've been digging.

I found out you've been holding out on me.

Yes, and I'm very sorry about that.

You didn't tell me where Maris' money came from.

It's never easy...

- Maris' money? - Yeah.

I mean, you told me that Maris' family money came from timber.

It did. It did come from timber.

- Oh, that's what you really think. - Well, of course, it's true.

And that's what all of Maris' friends think too?

All those country-club snobs

who would kill for a good piece of dirt on someone?

What are you talking about?

If her family money didn't come from timber, where did it come from?

Urinal cakes?

I don't believe this.

All these years, the doyenne of Seattle's elite

looking down her nose at everyone in sight,

she owes it all to this.

She's managed to have her urinal cake and eat it too.

Yes, I think we now have what's known in the legal profession

as a bargaining chip.

Are you kidding? She'd give anything to keep this quiet.

All right, let me go talk to Maris' lawyers.

No, no, no, there's some news you want to deliver yourself.

- May I? - Absolutely.

Hello, Marta. Like to speak to Maris.

Oh, why not?

She's in the final level of her guru serenity training,

the weeklong vow of silence, day six.

No, that's all right. She doesn't have to come to the phone.

Just give her this message: I've flushed out her family secret.

Hello, Maris.

I can't remember the last time I felt this way.

The air is sweeter, colours are brighter.

It's as if my very senses have come alive.

It makes perfect sense. You've just won your life back.

Frasier, watch this. Excuse me, excuse me.

Today's special blend, Jamaican Blue Mountain.

- Yes, it is. - Oh, Niles, that was very good.

That's my favourite. Well done.

The beans were gathered on the shady side of the northern slope...

Don't push it.

I still can't believe this is all over.

And I never dreamed I'd get a settlement like that.

I'll be able to get my whole life back, my apartment, my car.

I owe it all to one amazing man.

Well, thank you, Niles, but I can't take all the credit.

I know, you're thinking of Donny.

Well, don't think I'm not grateful for all you did.

To tell the truth, if it hadn't been for me badgering you to change your lawyers,

Donny Douglas never would've come into your life.

Of course, we mustn't forget Roz's part in all of this.

Waiter. Who understands why anything happens?

I mean, it's remarkable

how completely one's life can change in an instant.

Oh, Niles.

Hi, you two.

- Oh, hello. - Oh, hi. Hi, how are you doing?

Oh, congratulations, Dr. Crane. I'm so happy for you.

Thank you, Daphne.

What are you two doing here together?

Oh, well, you know, we were talking,

we got a little hungry, and then we drank a little bit too much wine,

and we laughed a little too much.

Listen to us, we sound like an old married couple.

I know. You know, Frasier, if you hadn't brought Niles to the office,

then none of this would have happened.

I guess I owe you one.

Well, now, we mustn't forget Roz's part in all of this.

That scent is wonderful. What is that?

Cherry bark and almonds.