All language subtitles for Modern.Family.S10E08

Why aren't you talking,
are you mad at me?

No! I'm freaked because I just
found out that I'm pregnant.

And yes,
I am a little mad at you,

because this is serious,

and the only thing
that you can think about

is combining our names
into the perfect baby name.

Well, now we know
it's either Hayden or Dyley.

Look,
this is a beautiful thing.

A product of our love.

It is a product of our love,
right?

Yes, Dylan.
I did the math.

Last time
you did the math

we accidentally left
a $300 tip.

Oh, I don't know
what to do.

(sighs)
How about this?

Haley Gwendolyn Dunphy...

will you marry me?

Are you kidding me
right now?

Picture us walking
down the aisle,

a breathtaking vision
in virginal white

and you wearing
whatever you want.

I'm not marrying you!
Okay.

Okay,
one step at a time.

We'll put you on vitamins
and a healthy diet.

You'll be eating
for one now.

Score! Lollipops!

How am I gonna tell
my mom?

This is the one thing
she always told me not to do,

and you're the person
she told me not to do it with.

Yeah, she really nailed
that one.

I hope our baby
gets her brain.

Why aren't you
freaking out?

Because this is
a good thing,

isn't it?

I...

I don't know.

Ugh. (sighs)

Oh, my God,
I have to get to work.

To a job that I love,
which I don't even know

if I can do with a baby!
(chuckles)

Just -- I, um...

I need some space.

Oh.

$13, carry the 3...

Leave a $50.

**

**

(whistle blows)
CAMERON: All right, Thompson,
run a crisp route!

Pitkowski, go!

Look at them out there.

They are a mess.
No focus!

You told them about
not eating chicken, right?

It's a nervous bird.

Before the game,
you eat your calm mammals,

your beefs,
your muttons.

Okay, guys, get in here!

Let's go. Huddle up!

CAMERON: We're about to play
for the city championship,

and Jay here
has been helping out.

I've been a team booster
for years.

Usually that means
cutting a check

from the Pritchett Cares
Foundation.

We support athletics

and we educate at-risk youth
about careers in closets.

It's a real path out.

Okay, this is the biggest day
of your lives

and you're looking like a bunch
of little girls out there!

What's wrong, Pitkowski,
did you forget your Barbies?!

Coach, we've been talking,

and the language
you've been using lately

feels, well, hurtful.

And sexist.

And a little
gender reductive.

What the hell
is happening?

We'd just like you
to consider

adopting
a more empowering style.

Okay, you know what?

This is football!

What's wrong, are your
training bras too tight?!

(megaphone squeals)
Coach Tucker!

Please see me
in my office now!

No, honey, I don't want
to pick your sister up

at the airport!

Oh, sorry, I'm talking
to my girlfriend

and I accidentally kept
the megaphone button pressed!

(chuckles) She's really
been riding me lately,

let me tell you!

Oh, no sweetheart, no,

I didn't mean for you
to hear that!

No, no, no,
you're my everything! Of course!

(both vocalizing
"The Imperial March"
from Star Wars)

I got tickets
for me and Mitchell

to a screening in Palm Springs
of The Empire Strikes Back --

Q&A to follow
with the biggest star of all --

George Lucas.

I'm super stoked
because I kind of think of Mitch

as the brother I never had.

I don't know why we don't spend
more time alone together.

It's nobody's fault.
Except for --

for Cam and Claire.

You know, I'm as happy now
as I've ever been.

And look,
we're in Yucaipa.

That sounds like
how Ewoks talk.

I used to sneak off to a gay bar
in Yucaipa before I came out.

Huh, you don't really think of
gay bars as a small-town thing.

Oh, yeah.

They serve your rural gays,

your closeted gays,
your city newbies

looking to get
their gay sea-legs,

kind of like an out-of-town
tryout before they hit Broadway.

See, I learn something
whenever I spend time with you.

Remember when you told me
not to snap when I dance?

It looked like you were
trying to get peanut butter
off your fingers.

Speaking of which,
I'm starving.

That bar actually has
amazing hamburgers

if you want to stop
for lunch?

Am I allowed in?

Who's gonna know?

Just don't snap.

Ooh!

Do you think
I could rock this?

Do people
still say rock?

It makes me sad
when you have to ask me

what young people say.

CLAIRE: Alex? Gloria?
Ahh!

Hmm.
Hi.
Um, hi!

What are you doing here?

I needed some sexy clothes,

so I asked Gloria
to help me shop.

No offense to my mom,

but she dresses
kind of conservative

while Gloria knows
how to pick out clothes

that will help...

take this baby
for a spin.

Ugh, Alex, come on,

sell it if you're gonna talk
like that.

Just stopped
by the cobbler

to get my penny loafers
re-soled.

(chuckles)
Same pair for 30 years.

What are you guys doing?

Oh, we're just --
Uh, no, we, uh,

were shopping separately,
funniest thing,

and we just bumped
into each other!

Right?

(laughs)
Yes, it was hilarious.

I was shopping, and --
and then all she said.

(both chuckle)
It was funny.

So, what did you buy?

Oh, no, no, no.
It's -- It's not mine.

It's hers.
Could you hold it for a minute?

My arms are tired!

(scoffs)
This one, the Queen of Sheba.

We all work for her.

(laughter)

We have fun.

Mmm!

Burger's amazing.

This place is great.

These small town gays
have it made.

Yeah, I mean, they're forced
to live in the shadows,

but they do get to eat fries,
so...

Oh, my God!

Is that Gil Thorpe?

We don't all know each other,
Phil.

With the beard.

There are no women
in here.

Right there,
he's my nemesis.

What could he possibly be
doing here?

Hmm,
I might have a theory.

Oh, my God!

He's pretending to be gay.

No.

What is your game, Gil?

Oh, is Nicole coming in
soon?

Her sound bath ran late.

Is there
a special occasion?

Why the party sub?

Uh, this is
a normal sandwich.

(chuckles)

Hello, Haley.
Hi.

Why the enormous sandwich?

This is an ordinary...
doesn't matter.

Uh, Nicole,
can I have a minute?

Of course.

Uh...

Look, a situation
has come up

and it's pretty confusing.

I'm still trying
to process it, but I --

Preggo?
What?!

Oh, God, I knew it!
What?!

I mean, Prego, you know,
however you pronounce

that pretentious
Italian fashion website.

Oh.
Someone told me
that they're trying

to poach one of my employees,
and I am not having it.

So, what do you need?

I, uh, well...

Title bump, money bump --
you are getting a promotion.

(chuckles)
You are gonna be

the new Head of Activewear
and Zeitgeist.

Oh, my God,
this is my dream job.

(laughs)
I told my guidance counselor

that I wanted to do this
and she laughed in my face.

All right, everyone.

Come in,
we're celebrating!

And bring a knife so we can
cut this into 20 pieces!

Coach Tucker, students are
a "protected class"

and it is not okay
for you,

an elite white man
of privilege,

to bully them.

Privilege? I-I make
a teacher's salary. And I'm gay.

Yeah, gay doesn't really get you
the mileage that it used to.

Now, if you were trans,
we'd be golden.

Oh, has the whole world
gone crazy?!

Jay --
No, no, I've had it.

I mean, what,
everyone's so sensitive,

they're gonna ruin
football?

In my day, our team,
the Hamilton Cabbage Eaters,

captained
by Knish Bronstein,

took on
the Lincoln Banditos,

QB'd by
José "Speedy" Gonzales.

And after three hours of
pummeling each other's privates

at the bottom of dog piles,

we shook hands
like brothers

and all went to brawl
the Sausage-Heads

in Pierogi-Town.

America.

(voice breaking)
Beautiful melting pot.

Uh --
How was that your life?

You were in high school
during the Summer of Love.

Coach Tucker, I don't know
why this man is here,

but he's a member of
the "elderly protected class,"

and legally
we can't contradict him.

I'm sorry, you're gonna have
to find a gentler way

to motivate your players.

I don't know any other way
to coach.

What we need is advice
from someone who played football

but also is a namby-pamby
Millennial weirdo.

Thank you for coming.

We're here to teach
these gentlemen

how to communicate
in the 21st century.

Let's go around and each say
the gender pronoun we prefer.

I'll start --

I'm cisgender,
he-slash-him.

She-slash-her.

They-slash-them.

Oh, I'm not here to bust chops,
Bob is fine.

This is your rugby team?

I am fascinated
by this mall story of yours...

So, you say
you were shopping?

Yes. (laughs)

You know me and shoes.

(both laugh)

Oh! Well, let's take a look,
why don't we?

(gasps)

Ooh! I had no idea your foot
was so tiny.

Yes, I am so big in the top
and small in the bottom,

like South America
herself.

(laughs)
Aww!

Put 'em on.

Really?

I want to see them
on your feet.

Yes, miss.

I feel like
I am Cinderella.

Go on, let's see you strut
your stuff.

(chuckles)
Pretty shoes.

(gasps)

I've never felt
more beautiful!

Uh-huh.

Okay, I can't watch this
anymore!

Mom, please don't take this
personally,

but I was shopping
with Gloria today

because I wanted to find
something sexy

for my weekend away
with Bill,

and that's more
her thing.

(groans)
I get it, fine.

I don't always dress like
a...steering wheel cover.

You're lashing out.
I understand.

Doesn't mean I can't turn it on
when I need to.

It's not just that.

I guess...
I don't really feel like

you're comfortable
with my sexuality.

You and Haley can talk
about guys and sex,

but you still see me
as a 12-year-old.

Honey, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry if I gave you
that impression,

but to be fair,
you don't really share

that part of your life
with me.

I guess that's valid.
(chuckles)

So, are you gonna give me
a shot?

Let me tart you up
for Bill.

Okay.
But it is not just for Bill

because it's also for me
because I'm --

I'm reclaiming
a part of myself

that I don't think
I've really --

There's a lot of this.
Yeah. Okay.

This is nuts. First he gets
divorced, and now this?

Hmm,
they may be related.

Is he still here?

Oh, man.
I've been made!

What's he doing?

Uh, he's right
behind you.

Dunphy?

Hey, Gil.

Oh, I was just making
a pitstop

on the way
to the Bunny Ranch.

I accidentally walked
in here

'cause some local said
they had great wings.

Didn't realize
there were no breasts!

(laughter)

Am I right?!
Oh, hey.

You don't have to do this.
I'm -- I'm Mitch,

I'm Phil's brother-in-law,

and it's okay
that you're gay.

Whoa! What?
Hold on a second now.

That's crazy!

You're gay!

Yes, I know.

It's not the insult
you think it is.

Charming as ever.
Off you go. Best of luck.

I got this, okay?

It's gonna take him
some time to --

to accept
who he really is.

I'm totally gay.

Wow, you're off
to a strong start.

It's just --
it's strange

to say it out loud like that,
you know?

I'm a gay man.

(chuckles)

I'm a big gay man.

(chuckles)

Feels like a big gay weight
has been lifted off me.

Just a weight.
Yeah.

But doesn't it feel great
to --

to finally own
who you really are?

Yeah, it does.

I remember admitting
to my dad

I was into magic.

It's not the same,
Dunphy.

(chuckles)
It's just not --

God, I have so many questions
for you, though.

(chuckles)
Hey, hey, first time I walked
into this bar, I did, too.

Fire away.

Okay.
(stammering)

I'm just not comfortable
opening up

in front of the breeder here,
okay?

You have more kids
than I do!

That's homophobic, man!

Hey, Phil, why don't -- why
don't you grab us some drinks?

Okay. Fine.

Yeah.

Whoa. (chuckles)
Wow, hi.

It's my lucky day.
Thank you for that.

But I'm afraid I'm taken.

That's too bad.

Why is it so hard for me
to meet someone?

I, um...

I have the perfect guy
for you.

He has got a great sense
of humor, big heart.

I have a thing
for red heads.

He's with me.
Uh, the other one.

Him? Pass.

He's been lurking
around here for weeks.

Like I'm impressed he's
"Southern California's
number one Realtor."

No, he's not!

Well,
what are you afraid of?

(sighs)
I don't know, Mitchell.

I'm so late to the game.

Who's even gonna
want me?

Mitchell, um,
it's getting late,

and we don't want
to keep Mr. Lucas waiting.

Whoa. You're leaving?

But...

(stammering)

You're the first person
I ever talked to

about any of this stuff.

(sighs)
Uh, one -- one second.

Phil.

I can't leave him
this way.

What?!
He's a monster!

And not one of the cool ones

created by
Industrial Light and Magic!

I know. This --
This is a lot to take in,

but I think that there's
a really good guy in there

and -- and he needs me.

I'm sorry,
you go, have fun.

You're --
You're picking him over me?!

No. I just need to make sure
he's okay.

Look, I-I'll try and get there
if I can.

Do, or do not.

There is no try.

Please don't Yoda me.

Twenty years ago,
I was in this bar,

feeling just like you do.

And this really nice guy came up
to talk to me.

I-I think he could see
how lost and alone I was.

And, I don't know,

it felt like my whole world
opened up that day.

(chuckles)
Wow,
that's a touching story.

So when are we gonna start
touching?

I'm sorry, what?

I say we head out
to the parking lot,

get a little crazy
in my ex-wife's minivan, huh?

No! No, gross!

Fine, Prince Harry.

I'll pop
for a hotel room.

But that means
we're doing everything.

Okay.
Y-You're awful!

Well, at least
I'm not a tease.

What a waste
of an afternoon.

Hey, I'm Gil.
Just came out.

Feeling kind of lost
and alone.

You, run.

C-C-Can someone give me
a ride?

I need to go after the guy
I was here with.

Let's go.
He's worth it.

Ooh, a hat.

Fun.

ALEX: I don't know
about this.

Come on, honey,
I picked it out.

I'm not gonna judge you.
I swear.

(gasps)
You look beautiful.

I love it.

Really?
It's not too much?

Let the prudes leave something
to the imagination.

Bill's gonna be all, "Let me get
a piece of that," huh?

(laughs)

Uch.

How about lingerie?

Mm.

Yes, um, I would love your input
on my lingerie.

What would Bill like?

Oh, something with snaps.

He doesn't like
complicated garments.

He's easily frustrated.
(chuckles)

That is so fun to know.

Um, can I just say,

I am so comfortable
with your sexuality.

Canjust say that your comfort
with my sexuality

has made me more comfortable
with my sexuality.

Can I just say that if I had
my gun in my purse,

I would shoot myself.

(vocalizing
"The Imperial March" sadly)

(vehicle approaching)

MITCHELL: Phil!

Phil!

What are you doing?

I am so sorry!

Well, you should be!

Phil!

Hear him out,
he feels terrible!

You were right about Gil!
He's awful!

He has
no redeeming qualities,

well, except for his taste
in men! (chuckles)

You know how important
this was to me?!

Of course!

I-I'm as big a Star Wars fan
as you are!

It was never about
Star Wars!

It was about spending time
with you!

Oh, really?!

Yes!

Well, I love spending time
with you!

You do?!

Totally!

You're like the brother
I never had!

What?!
That's crazy cakes!

I say that about you
all the time!
Stop it!

I had a totally different idea
about what this was,

but it's still beautiful!

Eyes on the road!
Eyes on the road!

Hey, what's going on?

Today's been a lot.

Ugh. Same.

You know,
I don't say it enough,

but I am so glad that you and I
can talk about anything.

Something happen
with Alex?

I don't want
to talk about it.

(sighs)

What brings you
to the floor?

Well...

it seems I've gone
and gotten myself...

...promoted.
(chuckles)

Haley, that's fantastic!

(chuckles) Yeah.

Yeah, I, uh -- I get my own
parking spot and an "IRA."

I guess that's my
assistant's name or something?

Sweetheart,
I'm very proud of you.

You really pulled it
together.

Yeah, well, I still have
a lot of stuff to figure out.

Of course you do.

Everyone does
at your age.

Boy, I know I did.
(chuckles)

Did you ever regret having me
when you did?

Like how it kinda
derailed your career?

Hmm... (sighs)

I didn't love it
at first.

But then I saw
this face.

Mm.

And you were lucky enough
to have Dad.

He was born
to be a parent.

This is gonna come
as a surprise to you,

but your dad was a different guy
than you think.

What?! Who?!
Is that why I'm so short?!

No! Haley!

Oh.

When I met your father,

he did not have
his life together.

(breathes deeply)
But to his credit,

he really stepped up
when I got pregnant,

and I think that's what
made it work.

You know,
having someone to depend on.

Hmm.

How did I get down
this road?

(laughing) I don't know!

(chuckles)
Beats me.

Bye!

Okay.

Why is Alex leaving the house
dressed like a flasher?

She and I agreed
not to discuss it.

Her sexual awakening
has been tough on all of us.

Yes.

ANNOUNCER: Second and 6
for the Dolphins.

Thompson, I see you,
I hear you, and I'm listening!

I would have preferred
you stuck to the play we called,

but I respect
your independent spirit!

(grunts)

Okay, Pitkowski, treat the area
around the quarterback

as a "safe space,"

and think
of the other team's defenders

as destructive thoughts trying
to attack our self-esteem!

It's not working.

I hate losing to a team
with a Viking mascot.

Hey!

You died out
and became Swedes!

Hip-hip-hooray for socialism
and seasonal depression!

Our championship
is on the line.

You gotta do something.

Men, this is the biggest moment
of your life

and I don't know
how to fire you up!

My original plan was
to come in here,

single out
the under-performers

and throw diapers at them!

Now I realize that could be
interpreted as insensitive

or, perhaps, anti-baby!

I'm sorry,

but the football field
was always my safe space, okay?!

It's where, in high school,

I first gained the respect
of my peers,

and if I'm being honest,

where I'd hoped
I'd finally gain

the admiration
of my father-in-law.

Now I feel like I've just...

(voice breaking)
let you all down.

You want to know
how I feel?

Hurt that Coach Tucker
doesn't know

how much
we appreciate him.

Triggered because
he's got to apologize

for a few words

after all he's done

to prove himself
as a man and a coach.

I've admired you
for a long time

and if I haven't let you
know that, that's on me --

and I'm "cissy-gendered"
enough to admit it.

And from now on,

I'm gonna make sure
that Coach Tucker knows

he's a person of value
I admire and respect.

Coach Tucker's a person of value
I admire and respect!

Coach Tucker's a person of value
I admire and respect!

ALL: Coach Tucker's a person
of value I admire and respect!

Coach Tucker's a person of value
I admire and respect!

Now let's go take it
to these guys,

who I'm sure are blessed with
other gifts

but are not great
at football!

Let's go!

(indistinct shouting
and cheering)

Can you believe
they bought it?

Bought what?

PRINCIPAL BROWN:
We live in sensitive times.

DYLAN: Nothing?

No brain at all?
(chuckles)

Well, that's gonna hurt
my career.

So we must evolve
if we want to succeed.

(camera shutter clicking)

Sometimes that requires us to
share our vulnerabilities...

Thanks.

...so that we can see
one another in a new way.

How are you doing?

I think
I'm okay with it.

I'm scared.

But it's less scary knowing
I'm going through it with you.

That concludes today's
non-denominational

inspirational affirmation.

Have the day
that's right for you.

Let's see those little bastards
complain about that.

Oh, no!

That's right, guys, high knees,
high knees.

Commie to your left!

Commie to your right!

Stop dragging,
Pitkowski,

they're coming after
your sweetheart!

You know what they did
to Poland!

Well, I want to stop this,

but there's nothing
in the guidelines

about Communists.

Now, we're high like
a hippie!

We're bending over
like a --

Okay!
Shut it down, Jay!

All right, boys,
hydrate like I taught you.

Attaboy.

There you go.

(boys coughing)

-- Captions by VITA --