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1
00:00:03,237 --> 00:00:05,639
Why aren't you talking,
are you mad at me?
2
00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:08,008
No! I'm freaked because I just
found out that I'm pregnant.
3
00:00:08,042 --> 00:00:09,810
And yes, I am a little mad at you,
4
00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:11,079
because this is serious,
5
00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:12,346
and the only thing that
you can think about
6
00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:14,582
is combining our names
into the perfect baby name.
7
00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:16,850
Well, now we know
it's either Hayden or Dyley.
8
00:00:17,717 --> 00:00:19,987
Look, this is a beautiful thing.
9
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,555
A product of our love.
10
00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:23,524
It is a product of our love, right?
11
00:00:23,557 --> 00:00:25,093
Yes, Dylan. I did the math.
12
00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:28,362
Last time you did the math
we accidentally left a $300 tip.
13
00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:29,663
Oh, I don't know what to do.
14
00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:32,100
- (sighs)
- How about this?
15
00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:34,668
Haley Gwendolyn Dunphy...
16
00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:35,736
will you marry me?
17
00:00:35,769 --> 00:00:37,505
Are you kidding me right now?
18
00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:39,173
Picture us walking down the aisle,
19
00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:41,509
a breathtaking vision in virginal white
20
00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,010
and you wearing whatever you want.
21
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,878
- I'm not marrying you!
- Okay.
22
00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:46,780
Okay, one step at a time.
23
00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:49,717
We'll put you on vitamins
and a healthy diet.
24
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:51,051
You'll be eating for one now.
25
00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:54,122
Score! Lollipops!
26
00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:55,356
How am I gonna tell my mom?
27
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:56,890
This is the one thing she
always told me not to do,
28
00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:58,526
and you're the person she
told me not to do it with.
29
00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,294
Yeah, she really nailed that one.
30
00:01:00,328 --> 00:01:02,062
I hope our baby gets her brain.
31
00:01:02,096 --> 00:01:03,764
Why aren't you freaking out?
32
00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:06,134
Because this is a good thing,
33
00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:07,201
isn't it?
34
00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:08,769
I...
35
00:01:08,802 --> 00:01:09,737
I don't know.
36
00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:11,139
Ugh. (sighs)
37
00:01:11,172 --> 00:01:12,940
Oh, my God, I have to get to work.
38
00:01:12,973 --> 00:01:14,375
To a job that I love,
which I don't even know
39
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:15,809
if I can do with a baby! (chuckles)
40
00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:17,211
Just... I, um...
41
00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:19,613
I need some space.
42
00:01:19,647 --> 00:01:20,714
Oh.
43
00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,750
$13, carry the 3...
44
00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:23,917
Leave a $50.
45
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,732
- (whistle blows)
- CAMERON: All right, Thompson, run a crisp route!
46
00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:40,234
Pitkowski, go!
47
00:01:40,927 --> 00:01:42,002
Look at them out there.
48
00:01:42,035 --> 00:01:43,904
They are a mess. No focus!
49
00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:45,673
You told them about
not eating chicken, right?
50
00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:46,774
It's a nervous bird.
51
00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:48,609
Before the game,
you eat your calm mammals,
52
00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:50,077
your beefs, your muttons.
53
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,412
Okay, guys, get in here!
54
00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:52,646
Let's go. Huddle up!
55
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:54,615
CAMERON: We're about to play
for the city championship,
56
00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:56,784
and Jay here has been helping out.
57
00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:58,152
I've been a team booster for years.
58
00:01:58,186 --> 00:01:59,987
Usually that means cutting a check
59
00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:02,423
from the Pritchett Cares Foundation.
60
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,091
We support athletics
61
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:07,795
and we educate at-risk youth
about careers in closets.
62
00:02:07,828 --> 00:02:09,330
It's a real path out.
63
00:02:09,363 --> 00:02:11,432
Okay, this is
the biggest day of your lives
64
00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:14,968
and you're looking like a bunch
of little girls out there!
65
00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:18,138
What's wrong, Pitkowski,
did you forget your Barbies?!
66
00:02:19,205 --> 00:02:21,775
Coach, we've been talking,
67
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:23,143
and the language
you've been using lately
68
00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:24,978
feels, well, hurtful.
69
00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:26,113
And sexist.
70
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,481
And a little gender reductive.
71
00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:28,949
What the hell is happening?
72
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:31,852
We'd just like you to consider
adopting a more empowering style.
73
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,054
Okay, you know what?
74
00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:36,657
This is football!
75
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:39,059
What's wrong,
are your training bras too tight?!
76
00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:40,694
- (megaphone squeals)
- Coach Tucker!
77
00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:43,231
Please see me in my office now!
78
00:02:43,264 --> 00:02:46,033
No, honey, I don't want to pick
your sister up at the airport!
79
00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:48,669
Oh, sorry, I'm talking to my girlfriend
80
00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:51,205
and I accidentally kept the
megaphone button pressed!
81
00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:52,640
(chuckles) She's really
been riding me lately,
82
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:53,674
let me tell you!
83
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:54,742
Oh, no sweetheart, no,
84
00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:56,143
I didn't mean for you to hear that!
85
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:58,912
No, no, no, you're my everything!
Of course!
86
00:02:58,946 --> 00:03:01,882
(both vocalizing
"The Imperial March" from Star Wars)
87
00:03:07,588 --> 00:03:09,089
I got tickets for me and Mitchell
88
00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:12,360
to a screening in Palm Springs
of The Empire Strikes Back...
89
00:03:12,393 --> 00:03:14,362
Q&A to follow with the
biggest star of all...
90
00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:15,696
George Lucas.
91
00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:17,565
I'm super stoked because
I kind of think of Mitch
92
00:03:17,598 --> 00:03:19,700
as the brother I never had.
93
00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,669
I don't know why we don't
spend more time alone together.
94
00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:22,836
It's nobody's fault. Except for...
95
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,438
for Cam and Claire.
96
00:03:24,472 --> 00:03:26,740
You know,
I'm as happy now as I've ever been.
97
00:03:26,774 --> 00:03:28,075
And look, we're in Yucaipa.
98
00:03:28,108 --> 00:03:29,577
That sounds like how Ewoks talk.
99
00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:32,546
I used to sneak off to a gay bar
in Yucaipa before I came out.
100
00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:34,615
Huh, you don't really think of
gay bars as a small-town thing.
101
00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:35,683
Oh, yeah.
102
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,385
They serve your rural gays,
103
00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:41,188
your closeted gays, your city newbies
looking to get their gay sea-legs,
104
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:44,024
kind of like an out-of-town
tryout before they hit Broadway.
105
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,560
See, I learn something
whenever I spend time with you.
106
00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:48,362
Remember when you told me
not to snap when I dance?
107
00:03:48,396 --> 00:03:51,465
It looked like you were trying to
get peanut butter off your fingers.
108
00:03:51,499 --> 00:03:53,467
Speaking of which, I'm starving.
109
00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:55,436
That bar actually has amazing hamburgers
110
00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:56,737
if you want to stop for lunch?
111
00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:57,938
Am I allowed in?
112
00:03:57,971 --> 00:03:58,972
Who's gonna know?
113
00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:01,375
Just don't snap.
114
00:04:01,409 --> 00:04:02,543
Ooh!
115
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,378
Do you think I could rock this?
116
00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:05,646
Do people still say rock?
117
00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:07,381
It makes me sad when you have to ask me
118
00:04:07,415 --> 00:04:09,049
what young people say.
119
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,651
- CLAIRE: Alex? Gloria?
- Ahh!
120
00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:12,052
- Hi.
- Um, hi!
121
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,621
What are you doing here?
122
00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:15,122
I needed some sexy clothes,
123
00:04:15,155 --> 00:04:17,391
so I asked Gloria to help me shop.
124
00:04:17,425 --> 00:04:18,492
No offense to my mom,
125
00:04:18,526 --> 00:04:20,661
but she dresses kind of conservative
126
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:21,995
while Gloria knows how
to pick out clothes
127
00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:23,063
that will help...
128
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,633
take this baby for a spin.
129
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:27,000
Ugh, Alex, come on,
130
00:04:27,034 --> 00:04:29,102
sell it if you're gonna talk like that.
131
00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:32,640
Just stopped by the cobbler to
get my penny loafers re-soled.
132
00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:35,476
(chuckles) Same pair for 30 years.
133
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:36,510
What are you guys doing?
134
00:04:36,544 --> 00:04:37,945
- Oh, we're just...
- Uh, no, we, uh,
135
00:04:37,978 --> 00:04:40,113
were shopping separately,
funniest thing,
136
00:04:40,147 --> 00:04:42,249
and we just bumped into each other!
137
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:43,283
Right?
138
00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:46,320
(laughs) Yes, it was hilarious.
139
00:04:46,354 --> 00:04:49,490
I was shopping, and...
and then all she said.
140
00:04:49,523 --> 00:04:51,024
- (both chuckle)
- It was funny.
141
00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:52,125
So, what did you buy?
142
00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:53,994
Oh, no, no, no. It's... It's not mine.
143
00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:55,863
It's hers.
Could you hold it for a minute?
144
00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:57,331
My arms are tired!
145
00:04:57,365 --> 00:04:59,833
(scoffs) This one, the Queen of Sheba.
146
00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:01,268
We all work for her.
147
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,603
(laughter)
148
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,505
We have fun.
149
00:05:05,314 --> 00:05:06,974
Mmm!
150
00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:07,941
Burger's amazing.
151
00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:09,643
This place is great.
152
00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:11,111
These small town gays have it made.
153
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:13,013
Yeah, I mean,
they're forced to live in the shadows,
154
00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:15,315
but they do get to eat fries, so...
155
00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:16,350
Oh, my God!
156
00:05:16,384 --> 00:05:18,051
Is that Gil Thorpe?
157
00:05:18,085 --> 00:05:19,286
We don't all know each other, Phil.
158
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,287
With the beard.
159
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,389
There are no women in here.
160
00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:23,023
Right there, he's my nemesis.
161
00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:24,625
What could he possibly be doing here?
162
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,994
Hmm, I might have a theory.
163
00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:28,396
Oh, my God!
164
00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:30,330
He's pretending to be gay.
165
00:05:30,364 --> 00:05:31,331
No.
166
00:05:31,365 --> 00:05:33,501
What is your game, Gil?
167
00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:39,072
Oh, is Nicole coming in soon?
168
00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:40,741
Her sound bath ran late.
169
00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:41,842
Is there a special occasion?
170
00:05:41,875 --> 00:05:42,843
Why the party sub?
171
00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:45,178
Uh, this is a normal sandwich.
172
00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:46,414
(chuckles)
173
00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:48,482
- Hello, Haley.
- Hi.
174
00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:50,150
Why the enormous sandwich?
175
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:52,052
This is an ordinary... doesn't matter.
176
00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:53,521
Uh, Nicole, can I have a minute?
177
00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:55,255
Of course.
178
00:05:56,724 --> 00:05:57,858
Uh...
179
00:05:57,891 --> 00:06:00,594
Look, a situation has come up
180
00:06:00,628 --> 00:06:01,729
and it's pretty confusing.
181
00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:03,831
I'm still trying to process it, but I...
182
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,499
- Preggo?
- What?!
183
00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:07,735
- Oh, God, I knew it!
- What?!
184
00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:10,270
I mean, Prego, you know,
however you pronounce
185
00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:12,740
that pretentious
Italian fashion website.
186
00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:14,207
- Oh.
- Someone told me that they're trying
187
00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:16,877
to poach one of my employees,
and I am not having it.
188
00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:18,245
So, what do you need?
189
00:06:18,278 --> 00:06:19,847
I, uh, well...
190
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:23,851
Title bump, money bump...
you are getting a promotion.
191
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,719
- (chuckles)
- You are gonna be
192
00:06:25,753 --> 00:06:28,188
the new Head of
Activewear and Zeitgeist.
193
00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:30,624
Oh, my God, this is my dream job.
194
00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:32,626
(laughs) I told my guidance counselor
195
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:34,428
that I wanted to do this
and she laughed in my face.
196
00:06:34,462 --> 00:06:36,196
All right, everyone.
197
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:38,031
Come in, we're celebrating!
198
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:41,068
And bring a knife so we can
cut this into 20 pieces!
199
00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:45,806
Coach Tucker,
students are a "protected class"
200
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:48,108
and it is not okay for you,
201
00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:50,043
an elite white man of privilege,
202
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,278
to bully them.
203
00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:54,381
Privilege? I-I make a teacher's salary.
And I'm gay.
204
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:57,384
Yeah, gay doesn't really get
you the mileage that it used to.
205
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,453
Now, if you were trans, we'd be golden.
206
00:06:59,487 --> 00:07:00,988
Oh, has the whole world gone crazy?!
207
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:02,623
- Jay...
- No, no, I've had it.
208
00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:04,291
I mean, what, everyone's so sensitive,
209
00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:06,093
they're gonna ruin football?
210
00:07:06,126 --> 00:07:09,463
In my day, our team,
the Hamilton Cabbage Eaters,
211
00:07:09,497 --> 00:07:11,298
captained by Knish Bronstein,
212
00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:13,066
took on the Lincoln Banditos,
213
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:16,169
QB'd by José "Speedy" Gonzales.
214
00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:19,106
And after three hours of
pummeling each other's privates
215
00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:20,808
at the bottom of dog piles,
216
00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:22,743
we shook hands like brothers
217
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,845
and all went to brawl the Sausage-Heads
218
00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:26,947
in Pierogi-Town.
219
00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:28,816
America.
220
00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:30,618
(voice breaking) Beautiful melting pot.
221
00:07:30,651 --> 00:07:31,785
Uh... How was that your life?
222
00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:33,854
You were in high school
during the Summer of Love.
223
00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:37,157
Coach Tucker,
I don't know why this man is here,
224
00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:39,993
but he's a member of the
"elderly protected class,"
225
00:07:40,027 --> 00:07:42,329
and legally we can't contradict him.
226
00:07:42,362 --> 00:07:44,798
I'm sorry, you're gonna have
to find a gentler way
227
00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:45,966
to motivate your players.
228
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:47,801
I don't know any other way to coach.
229
00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:51,171
What we need is advice from
someone who played football
230
00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:54,307
but also is a namby-pamby
Millennial weirdo.
231
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:56,109
Thank you for coming.
232
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:59,780
We're here to teach these gentlemen
how to communicate in the 21st century.
233
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:02,215
Let's go around and each say
the gender pronoun we prefer.
234
00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:03,283
I'll start...
235
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:06,353
I'm cisgender, he-slash-him.
236
00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:08,021
She-slash-her.
237
00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:10,290
They-slash-them.
238
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,392
Oh, I'm not here to bust chops,
Bob is fine.
239
00:08:13,505 --> 00:08:14,862
This is your rugby team?
240
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:19,633
I am fascinated by this
mall story of yours...
241
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:21,835
So, you say you were shopping?
242
00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:23,470
Yes. (laughs)
243
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:25,172
You know me and shoes.
244
00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:26,173
(both laugh)
245
00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:28,709
Oh! Well, let's take a look,
why don't we?
246
00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:29,743
(gasps)
247
00:08:29,777 --> 00:08:33,013
Ooh! I had no idea
your foot was so tiny.
248
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:38,185
Yes, I am so big in the top
and small in the bottom,
249
00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:40,087
like South America herself.
250
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,221
- (laughs)
- Aww!
251
00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:42,255
Put 'em on.
252
00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:43,523
Really?
253
00:08:43,557 --> 00:08:45,225
I want to see them on your feet.
254
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:48,395
Yes, miss.
255
00:08:48,428 --> 00:08:50,864
I feel like I am Cinderella.
256
00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:53,667
Go on, let's see you strut your stuff.
257
00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,869
(chuckles) Pretty shoes.
258
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:58,338
(gasps)
259
00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:00,240
I've never felt more beautiful!
260
00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:01,441
Uh-huh.
261
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:03,543
Okay, I can't watch this anymore!
262
00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:06,680
Mom, please don't take this personally,
263
00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:07,948
but I was shopping with Gloria today
264
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:10,017
because I wanted to find something sexy
265
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,451
for my weekend away with Bill,
266
00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:13,887
and that's more her thing.
267
00:09:13,921 --> 00:09:15,923
- (groans)
- I get it, fine.
268
00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:18,125
I don't always dress like a...
steering wheel cover.
269
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:20,027
You're lashing out. I understand.
270
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:22,763
Doesn't mean I can't turn
it on when I need to.
271
00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:23,897
It's not just that.
272
00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:28,736
I guess... I don't really feel like
you're comfortable with my sexuality.
273
00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:32,439
You and Haley can talk
about guys and sex,
274
00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:34,942
but you still see me as a 12-year-old.
275
00:09:34,975 --> 00:09:37,745
Honey, I'm sorry.
276
00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:39,613
I'm so sorry if I gave
you that impression,
277
00:09:39,647 --> 00:09:43,917
but to be fair, you don't really
share that part of your life with me.
278
00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:46,954
- I guess that's valid.
- (chuckles)
279
00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:49,256
So, are you gonna give me a shot?
280
00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:50,791
Let me tart you up for Bill.
281
00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:53,927
Okay. But it is not just for Bill
282
00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:55,663
because it's also for me because I'm...
283
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:58,632
I'm reclaiming a part of myself
that I don't think I've really...
284
00:09:58,666 --> 00:10:00,300
- There's a lot of this.
- Yeah. Okay.
285
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:04,071
This is nuts.
First he gets divorced, and now this?
286
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,305
Hmm, they may be related.
287
00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:06,539
Is he still here?
288
00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:09,576
Oh, man. I've been made!
289
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,178
What's he doing?
290
00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:12,445
Uh, he's right behind you.
291
00:10:13,125 --> 00:10:14,181
Dunphy?
292
00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:15,582
Hey, Gil.
293
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:18,485
Oh, I was just making a pitstop
on the way to the Bunny Ranch.
294
00:10:18,518 --> 00:10:20,120
I accidentally walked in here
295
00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:22,622
'cause some local said
they had great wings.
296
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,692
Didn't realize there were no breasts!
297
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:25,693
(laughter)
298
00:10:25,726 --> 00:10:27,627
- Am I right?!
- Oh, hey.
299
00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:30,097
You don't have to do this.
I'm... I'm Mitch,
300
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:31,965
I'm Phil's brother-in-law,
301
00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:33,433
and it's okay that you're gay.
302
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,803
Whoa! What? Hold on a second now.
303
00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:37,337
That's crazy!
304
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:38,438
You're gay!
305
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:39,439
Yes, I know.
306
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:40,974
It's not the insult you think it is.
307
00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:42,943
Charming as ever.
Off you go. Best of luck.
308
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,511
I got this, okay?
309
00:10:44,544 --> 00:10:46,046
It's gonna take him some time to...
310
00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:47,280
to accept who he really is.
311
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:48,315
I'm totally gay.
312
00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:49,683
Wow, you're off to a strong start.
313
00:10:49,717 --> 00:10:50,884
It's just... it's strange
314
00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:52,720
to say it out loud like that, you know?
315
00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:53,954
I'm a gay man.
316
00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:54,888
(chuckles)
317
00:10:54,922 --> 00:10:56,323
I'm a big gay man.
318
00:10:56,356 --> 00:10:57,490
(chuckles)
319
00:10:57,524 --> 00:10:59,359
Feels like a big gay weight
has been lifted off me.
320
00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:01,294
- Just a weight.
- Yeah.
321
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:02,329
But doesn't it feel great to...
322
00:11:02,362 --> 00:11:03,864
to finally own who you really are?
323
00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:04,865
Yeah, it does.
324
00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:07,034
I remember admitting to
my dad I was into magic.
325
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:09,469
It's not the same, Dunphy.
326
00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:11,171
(chuckles) It's just not...
327
00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:13,073
God, I have so many questions
for you, though.
328
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:16,343
Hey, hey, first time I walked
into this bar, I did, too.
329
00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:17,344
Fire away.
330
00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:18,879
Okay. (stammering)
331
00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:21,849
I'm just not comfortable opening up
in front of the breeder here, okay?
332
00:11:21,882 --> 00:11:23,516
You have more kids than I do!
333
00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:24,885
That's homophobic, man!
334
00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:27,020
Hey, Phil, why don't...
why don't you grab us some drinks?
335
00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:29,289
Okay. Fine.
336
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:31,558
Yeah.
337
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,695
Whoa. (chuckles) Wow, hi.
338
00:11:35,729 --> 00:11:37,664
- It's my lucky day.
- Thank you for that.
339
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:38,999
But I'm afraid I'm taken.
340
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,033
That's too bad.
341
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:42,069
Why is it so hard for
me to meet someone?
342
00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:44,537
I, um...
343
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:47,040
I have the perfect guy for you.
344
00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:48,942
He has got a great sense of humor,
big heart.
345
00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:50,878
I have a thing for red heads.
346
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:53,113
He's with me. Uh, the other one.
347
00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:54,347
Him? Pass.
348
00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:56,383
He's been lurking around here for weeks.
349
00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:58,752
Like I'm impressed he's "Southern
California's number one Realtor."
350
00:11:58,786 --> 00:12:00,353
No, he's not!
351
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,055
Well, what are you afraid of?
352
00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:03,423
(sighs) I don't know, Mitchell.
353
00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:04,925
I'm so late to the game.
354
00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:06,193
Who's even gonna want me?
355
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,727
Mitchell, um, it's getting late,
356
00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:09,729
and we don't want to
keep Mr. Lucas waiting.
357
00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:11,364
Whoa. You're leaving?
358
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:12,532
But...
359
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:13,934
(stammering)
360
00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:16,436
You're the first person I ever
talked to about any of this stuff.
361
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:19,940
(sighs) Uh, one... one second.
362
00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:21,909
Phil.
363
00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:23,076
I can't leave him this way.
364
00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:24,744
What?! He's a monster!
365
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:27,580
And not one of the cool ones created
by Industrial Light and Magic!
366
00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,482
I know.
This... This is a lot to take in,
367
00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:31,885
but I think that there's
a really good guy in there
368
00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:33,887
and... and he needs me.
369
00:12:33,921 --> 00:12:36,223
I'm sorry, you go, have fun.
370
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,258
You're... You're picking him over me?!
371
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:39,827
No. I just need to make sure he's okay.
372
00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:41,761
Look, I-I'll try and get there if I can.
373
00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,063
Do, or do not.
374
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,264
There is no try.
375
00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:46,333
Please don't Yoda me.
376
00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:50,337
Twenty years ago, I was in this bar,
377
00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:51,504
feeling just like you do.
378
00:12:51,538 --> 00:12:54,141
And this really nice guy
came up to talk to me.
379
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:57,277
I-I think he could see
how lost and alone I was.
380
00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,079
And, I don't know,
381
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:01,014
it felt like my whole
world opened up that day.
382
00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:03,984
- (chuckles)
- Wow, that's a touching story.
383
00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:06,854
So when are we gonna start touching?
384
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:08,255
I'm sorry, what?
385
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,423
I say we head out to the parking lot,
386
00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:12,625
get a little crazy in my
ex-wife's minivan, huh?
387
00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:14,461
No! No, gross!
388
00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,196
Fine, Prince Harry.
389
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:17,630
I'll pop for a hotel room.
390
00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,166
But that means we're doing everything.
391
00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:20,600
Okay. Y-You're awful!
392
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:22,169
Well, at least I'm not a tease.
393
00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:23,803
What a waste of an afternoon.
394
00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:26,006
Hey, I'm Gil. Just came out.
395
00:13:26,039 --> 00:13:27,674
Feeling kind of lost and alone.
396
00:13:27,707 --> 00:13:28,775
You, run.
397
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,677
C-C-Can someone give me a ride?
398
00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:32,612
I need to go after the
guy I was here with.
399
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,314
Let's go. He's worth it.
400
00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:35,282
Ooh, a hat.
401
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,217
Fun.
402
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:38,852
ALEX: I don't know about this.
403
00:13:38,886 --> 00:13:41,388
Come on, honey, I picked it out.
404
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:42,956
I'm not gonna judge you. I swear.
405
00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:45,792
(gasps) You look beautiful.
406
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,194
I love it.
407
00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:49,529
Really? It's not too much?
408
00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:52,499
Let the prudes leave
something to the imagination.
409
00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:55,903
Bill's gonna be all,
"Let me get a piece of that," huh?
410
00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:56,904
(laughs)
411
00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:58,705
Uch.
412
00:13:58,738 --> 00:14:01,875
How about lingerie?
413
00:14:01,909 --> 00:14:03,210
Mm.
414
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:07,314
Yes, um, I would love
your input on my lingerie.
415
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:09,382
What would Bill like?
416
00:14:09,416 --> 00:14:11,151
Oh, something with snaps.
417
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:12,652
He doesn't like complicated garments.
418
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,221
He's easily frustrated. (chuckles)
419
00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:17,324
That is so fun to know.
420
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:18,658
Um, can I just say,
421
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:23,363
I am so comfortable with your sexuality.
422
00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:29,036
Can I just say that your
comfort with my sexuality
423
00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:33,373
has made me more comfortable
with my sexuality.
424
00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:36,009
Can I just say that if I
had my gun in my purse,
425
00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:37,911
I would shoot myself.
426
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:42,382
(vocalizing "The Imperial March" sadly)
427
00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:47,187
(vehicle approaching)
428
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,922
MITCHELL: Phil!
429
00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:50,290
Phil!
430
00:14:52,098 --> 00:14:53,360
What are you doing?
431
00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:54,928
I am so sorry!
432
00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:56,763
Well, you should be!
433
00:14:56,796 --> 00:14:57,931
Phil!
434
00:14:57,965 --> 00:15:01,034
Hear him out, he feels terrible!
435
00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:03,370
You were right about Gil! He's awful!
436
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,772
He has no redeeming qualities,
437
00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:07,774
well, except for his taste in men!
(chuckles)
438
00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:10,310
You know how important this was to me?!
439
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:11,544
Of course!
440
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:13,546
I-I'm as big a Star Wars fan as you are!
441
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,882
It was never about Star Wars!
442
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:18,651
It was about spending time with you!
443
00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:20,287
Oh, really?!
444
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:21,955
Yes!
445
00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:24,291
Well, I love spending time with you!
446
00:15:25,469 --> 00:15:26,293
You do?!
447
00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:27,794
Totally!
448
00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:29,629
You're like the brother I never had!
449
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:31,731
What?! That's crazy cakes!
450
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:34,267
- I say that about you all the time!
- Stop it!
451
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:36,803
I had a totally different
idea about what this was,
452
00:15:36,836 --> 00:15:38,505
but it's still beautiful!
453
00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:40,440
Eyes on the road! Eyes on the road!
454
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,477
Hey, what's going on?
455
00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:45,845
Today's been a lot.
456
00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:47,480
Ugh. Same.
457
00:15:47,514 --> 00:15:48,815
You know, I don't say it enough,
458
00:15:48,848 --> 00:15:52,152
but I am so glad that you and
I can talk about anything.
459
00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:53,453
Something happen with Alex?
460
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:54,654
I don't want to talk about it.
461
00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:55,755
(sighs)
462
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,524
What brings you to the floor?
463
00:15:57,557 --> 00:16:00,593
Well...
464
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:04,297
it seems I've gone and gotten myself...
465
00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:06,366
- ...promoted.
- (chuckles)
466
00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:08,868
- Haley, that's fantastic!
- (chuckles)
467
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:10,137
Yeah.
468
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:13,506
Yeah, I, uh...
I get my own parking spot and an "IRA."
469
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:15,308
I guess that's my assistant's
name or something?
470
00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:17,510
Sweetheart, I'm very proud of you.
471
00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:19,479
You really pulled it together.
472
00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:22,649
Yeah, well, I still have a
lot of stuff to figure out.
473
00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:23,716
Of course you do.
474
00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:25,485
Everyone does at your age.
475
00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:27,020
Boy, I know I did. (chuckles)
476
00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:30,223
Did you ever regret
having me when you did?
477
00:16:30,257 --> 00:16:32,359
Like how it kinda derailed your career?
478
00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:33,826
Hmm... (sighs)
479
00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:36,563
I didn't love it at first.
480
00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:40,033
But then I saw this face.
481
00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:41,534
Mm.
482
00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:42,969
And you were lucky enough to have Dad.
483
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,704
He was born to be a parent.
484
00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:47,040
This is gonna come as a surprise to you,
485
00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:49,709
but your dad was a different
guy than you think.
486
00:16:49,742 --> 00:16:51,978
What?! Who?! Is that why I'm so short?!
487
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,213
No! Haley!
488
00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:54,214
Oh.
489
00:16:54,247 --> 00:16:55,848
When I met your father,
490
00:16:55,882 --> 00:16:57,517
he did not have his life together.
491
00:16:57,550 --> 00:16:59,219
(breathes deeply) But to his credit,
492
00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:01,054
he really stepped up
when I got pregnant,
493
00:17:01,088 --> 00:17:02,422
and I think that's what made it work.
494
00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:04,591
You know, having someone to depend on.
495
00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:05,725
Hmm.
496
00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:07,094
How did I get down this road?
497
00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:08,428
(laughing) I don't know!
498
00:17:08,461 --> 00:17:09,662
- (chuckles)
- Beats me.
499
00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:11,731
Bye!
500
00:17:11,764 --> 00:17:14,167
Okay.
501
00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:17,003
Why is Alex leaving the
house dressed like a flasher?
502
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,905
She and I agreed not to discuss it.
503
00:17:18,938 --> 00:17:21,441
Her sexual awakening has
been tough on all of us.
504
00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:23,610
Yes.
505
00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:25,712
ANNOUNCER:
Second and 6 for the Dolphins.
506
00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:30,550
Thompson, I see you,
I hear you, and I'm listening!
507
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:32,885
I would have preferred you
stuck to the play we called,
508
00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:35,122
but I respect your independent spirit!
509
00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:37,357
(grunts)
510
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:40,527
Okay, Pitkowski,
treat the area around the quarterback
511
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:41,861
as a "safe space,"
512
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:43,796
and think of the other team's defenders
513
00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:47,700
as destructive thoughts trying
to attack our self-esteem!
514
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:48,935
It's not working.
515
00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:51,238
I hate losing to a team
with a Viking mascot.
516
00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:52,439
Hey!
517
00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:54,541
You died out and became Swedes!
518
00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:58,445
Hip-hip-hooray for socialism
and seasonal depression!
519
00:17:58,478 --> 00:18:00,079
Our championship is on the line.
520
00:18:00,113 --> 00:18:01,248
You gotta do something.
521
00:18:04,151 --> 00:18:08,655
Men, this is the biggest
moment of your life
522
00:18:08,688 --> 00:18:11,624
and I don't know how to fire you up!
523
00:18:11,658 --> 00:18:13,993
My original plan was to come in here,
524
00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:15,795
single out the under-performers
525
00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:18,064
and throw diapers at them!
526
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:21,468
Now I realize that could be
interpreted as insensitive
527
00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:23,603
or, perhaps, anti-baby!
528
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:25,405
I'm sorry,
529
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:30,777
but the football field was
always my safe space, okay?!
530
00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:32,312
It's where, in high school,
531
00:18:32,345 --> 00:18:35,915
I first gained the respect of my peers,
532
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:37,484
and if I'm being honest,
533
00:18:37,517 --> 00:18:41,087
where I'd hoped I'd finally gain
the admiration of my father-in-law.
534
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,123
Now I feel like I've just...
535
00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:45,892
(voice breaking) let you all down.
536
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:50,163
You want to know how I feel?
537
00:18:50,197 --> 00:18:54,534
Hurt that Coach Tucker doesn't
know how much we appreciate him.
538
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:58,538
Triggered because he's got
to apologize for a few words
539
00:18:58,571 --> 00:19:02,709
after all he's done to prove
himself as a man and a coach.
540
00:19:02,742 --> 00:19:05,345
I've admired you for a long time
541
00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:07,680
and if I haven't let you know that,
that's on me...
542
00:19:07,714 --> 00:19:09,682
and I'm "cissy-gendered"
enough to admit it.
543
00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:11,551
And from now on,
544
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:13,453
I'm gonna make sure
that Coach Tucker knows
545
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:17,424
he's a person of value
I admire and respect.
546
00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:23,096
Coach Tucker's a person of
value I admire and respect!
547
00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:26,299
Coach Tucker's a person of
value I admire and respect!
548
00:19:26,333 --> 00:19:29,969
ALL: Coach Tucker's a person
of value I admire and respect!
549
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:33,506
Coach Tucker's a person of
value I admire and respect!
550
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:35,575
Now let's go take it to these guys,
551
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:37,544
who I'm sure are
blessed with other gifts
552
00:19:37,577 --> 00:19:38,878
but are not great at football!
553
00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:40,046
Let's go!
554
00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:43,015
(indistinct shouting and cheering)
555
00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:47,320
Can you believe they bought it?
556
00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:50,022
Bought what?
557
00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:53,360
PRINCIPAL BROWN:
We live in sensitive times.
558
00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:55,928
DYLAN: Nothing?
559
00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:58,064
No brain at all? (chuckles)
560
00:19:58,097 --> 00:19:59,499
Well, that's gonna hurt my career.
561
00:20:00,111 --> 00:20:03,403
So we must evolve if we want to succeed.
562
00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:07,140
(camera shutter clicking)
563
00:20:07,185 --> 00:20:10,443
Sometimes that requires us to
share our vulnerabilities...
564
00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:11,911
Thanks.
565
00:20:11,944 --> 00:20:16,215
...so that we can see
one another in a new way.
566
00:20:16,249 --> 00:20:17,350
How are you doing?
567
00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:19,952
I think I'm okay with it.
568
00:20:19,986 --> 00:20:21,454
I'm scared.
569
00:20:21,488 --> 00:20:25,392
But it's less scary knowing
I'm going through it with you.
570
00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:31,230
That concludes today's
non-denominational
571
00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:33,533
inspirational affirmation.
572
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:36,569
Have the day that's right for you.
573
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:40,640
Let's see those little
bastards complain about that.
574
00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:42,008
Oh, no!
575
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:47,814
That's right, guys,
high knees, high knees.
576
00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:49,582
Commie to your left!
577
00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:51,784
Commie to your right!
578
00:20:51,818 --> 00:20:53,486
Stop dragging, Pitkowski,
579
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:54,987
they're coming after your sweetheart!
580
00:20:55,021 --> 00:20:56,255
You know what they did to Poland!
581
00:20:56,289 --> 00:20:57,424
Well, I want to stop this,
582
00:20:57,457 --> 00:20:59,992
but there's nothing in the
guidelines about Communists.
583
00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:02,562
Now, we're high like a hippie!
584
00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:03,796
We're bending over like a...
585
00:21:03,830 --> 00:21:05,998
Okay! Shut it down, Jay!
586
00:21:06,032 --> 00:21:08,668
All right, boys,
hydrate like I taught you.
587
00:21:10,227 --> 00:21:11,304
Attaboy.
588
00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:15,408
There you go.
589
00:21:15,442 --> 00:21:16,443
(boys coughing)
590
00:21:19,512 --> 00:21:22,449
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