Original subtitles

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Mom, we're starving.

Why tell me?

Do I look like Sally Struthers?

Besides, with the Super Bowl...

...your father has taken away our food allowance...

...so he can buy his own snacks for the game.

You think he'd mind if we just took a little?

Are you feeling lucky, punks?

Buck is cute though.

Let's get together as a family, kill him, and retake the fridge.

Mom, are we really doomed again to watch Dad...

...sit in his Polk High uniform with a football in one hand...

...and himself in the other?

Kids, please.

You think I like seeing him happy one day a year?

Well, what can I do?

I am banned from the house during the Super Bowl...

...and I can't even call during the Bud Bowl.

Have you thought about taking the time to learn the game...

...so you could watch together?

You mean so we could enjoy something as a couple?

No. So you could ruin any enjoyment he could possibly have...

...during the game.

So he would leave the house and we could get our hands on his Cheetos.

And we could watch whatever we want.

- Well, how about the Super Bowl? - Sure.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Bud, teach me about football.

Okay, well, first we can go over some calls.

Okay, this is holding.

This is a reception.

And this is two weeks after dating Kelly.

Here's one you might recognize, Mom:

Bud on a Saturday night.

- Why, you... - Come on. Come and get it.

Kids! Kids, kids, kids.

Morticia, Wednesday, Pugsley.

Kids, your daddy's home.

Hi, Dad.

- AI, guess what. - Not now, Peg.

I have a big announcement. I need your complete attention.

Today I got the latest issue of Shoe News.

You know their motto:

"Before it's on your foot, it's in your head."

And I have it on good authority...

...that they're coming out with a new, all-sport athletic shoe.

Oh, Al.

Kids, let us join hands...

...and remember where we were on this mighty day.

Tell us more, Al.

Will they come in pairs, honey?

There's more, my little aneurysm.

It's going to be called the Zeus.

And they're kicking off their new ad campaign with a special commercial...

...that will be shown during the Super Bowl.

And here's the part that means something to us:

They're going to use ex-jocks in this commercial.

You don't get it, do you?

Well, you should know that better than anyone, sweetheart.

Don't you see? Ex-jocks.

Who's the most famous ex-athlete in Chicago?

- Ernie Banks. - I said, athlete.

You know that means football.

- Gayle Sayers? - Can you be this thick?

Let me give you a hint.

The FTD florist?

No, you nitwit, me.

Polk High, all-city.

Most touchdowns in a single game. If you don't listen to me...

...you've heard others talk about it in malls...

...anywhere Americans gather to talk sports.

I'm a shoo-in for that commercial.

Get it, shoo-in?

Well, Shoe News will appreciate it.

Anyway, I'm just gonna go audition for that commercial...

...and in a few short weeks you'll see your old Dad on TV...

...during the Super Bowl.

Now what have you got to say?

Honey, did you pick up those little blue disks for the toilet tank?

Yes.

- I'm putting it in. - No me.

- I'm putting it in! - Me!

Is not my news at least as exciting as a blue disk for a toilet?

Well, honey, I'm sure I'd be just as excited...

...if I was married to the blue disk and it brought you home for the toilet.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking...

...I'm not gonna get this commercial. - Not at all.

I'm thinking you are a fool to even think you're getting this commercial.

Honey, you played high school football.

That doesn't mean anything to anyone anymore...

...including me. And I'm your wife.

I took a vow to care and I don't.

You're just jealous because the ad said "ex-jocks," not "ex-brunettes."

You're not getting it, Al. They want someone famous.

I'm famous!

- Hi, guys. - Hi.

Who is the man who scored four touchdowns in a single game...

...to clinch the city championship in 1966?

- Shaft. John Shaft. - No.

Who is the man who rushed for 200 yards against Garfield High?

- Shaft. He's a bad... - Shut your mouth.

Just talking about Shaft.

You people obviously don't know anything about football.

What do you care about?

Peggy, have you seen these fantastic blue disks for the toilet?

Why, this is the best thing that could have happened to Al.

Next to the invention of a bowl 6 feet wide with tall rims...

...for the problem aimer.

But now, unlike your career, you have something to shoot for.

You people can't be serious.

I want you to admit having played high school football...

...is probably the most important thing a guy could do.

Yes, if a person died right after high school.

But don't worry, Al...

...it's probably not too late for you to do something important.

Why some day, you may even stop a bullet meant for the president.

Oh, I'm sorry, Marcie. I must be boring you.

Anyone who obviously spends as much time in barber shops as you do...

...must have heard every sports story a guy could hear.

You better cut that out, Al.

I think Marcie looks as cute as a button with her hair cut this way.

Thank you, honey.

Al, just to close up this subject:

It's not that we are belittling your place in sports history.

It's just that you are like a toilet without a blue disk.

Fine for its time, but now barely worth flushing.

Now give me a kiss and make me some coffee.

I will not.

I'm going to audition for this commercial, and get it, by God.

Then we'll see, when I go down for this interview...

...who in Chicago doesn't know the name Bundy.

- Who? - Bundy.

B-U-N-D-Y. Al Bundy.

Made all-city back in '66. Four touchdowns.

And I'm not talking the whole year. One game.

Well, have a seat, and allow me time to cool off.

Miss Lagroin, who's on our list for today?

Well, there's Mr. Butkus, Mr. Carlton, Mr. Tarkenton, Mr. Namath...

...and of course, Mr. Bindy.

He scored four touchdowns, not in one year, but in one game.

- Guess where? - High school.

Thought I'd die when I met him.

Well, send him in before the real athletes come.

Okay, Mom, now who's the guy who hikes the ball to the quarterback?

- The centre. - Very good.

Now who's the guy who rushes the passer?

- The defensive end. - Excellent.

Now who's the little foreign guy who can barely speak English...

...never gets hit and is taking yet another job away from an American?

- The place-kicker. - Great job, Mom.

Now next, next we'll start on stats.

Oh, can I teach her the stats, please?

- Sure. - Okay.

Now, we have Alaska...

...Alabama, Brazil...

Oh, and the two Georgias, North and South.

And yet, men still seem to like her.

Oh, there's your daddy's car.

Now, he's gonna come in here and tell us he failed.

So let's practice what we're gonna say to him.

The classics never die.

Laugh at this, hyenas: I got it.

I got the commercial.

I am the Zeus man.

So I think it's important to understand, before we get started...

...that, yes, the shoes are important...

...but let's not disappoint the public in what they've come to expect from me.

So let's try not to get too arty and lose sight of the man.

Oh, by the way, be careful how you shoot me...

...because from certain angles it would appear I'm losing a hair or two...

...you know what I mean?

Sure. Why tell me? I'm the caterer.

Put some food in my car and go away.

Hi, I'm Jerry Copeland the director.

Try not to speak directly to me.

Now, you will be portraying the common man.

Well, that will be a bit of a stretch for me, Jerr.

I played high school football, you know?

- You're speaking to me. - Sorry.

Well, anyhow, I'm sure you would want to meet your co-star in the first scene?

Not really, but I guess he'd like to meet me.

Bindy, meet Ed "Too Tall" Jones.

Too Tall? You gotta be kidding me.

Are you in the scene with me? Peg! Peg! Look who's...

Need someone to run your lines with you, baby?

Will someone please wheel the elderly woman away.

Okay.

We're ready. Well, you know what to do.

No I don't, Jerr. No, see, I never got a script.

Well, just follow your instincts, Bindy.

That must be what they tell Brando.

Not that I'm comparing myself with Brando.

He's fat.

Oh, by the way, Too Tall, my name is Al "Too Great" Bindy.

You... I'm sure you heard of me. Made all-city back in '66.

And you're the guy that was raiding the refrigerator in my trailer.

Twice.

What I'm trying to say is, don't feel bad about having to pull back.

Just don't hurt yourself.

Thanks a lot for making me feel welcome.

Ready.

- And, deck him! - "Deck" who?

Yes, Mom, personal foul.

Whoa, Too Tall, babe. Great rehearsal.

Now, let's just shoot the next one. Do you mind?

Not at all. I think you could see me pull back.

Okay, dust off the shoes and get the old guy back on his feet.

- Maybe we should do something. - Yeah.

Hey, Too Tall, can I get your autograph?

Hey, how did you get the name "Too Tall"?

Does it really refer to your height?

No.

Okay, for this one, all you have to do is bat.

Well, that's no problem. I play a little softball.

Only three-time MVP...

...the 20-store-and-under mall league ever had.

One time we were playing Binky's Pets...

Great. Now, say hi to your co-star, Steve Carlton.

Put her right here, baby.

It's awful nice to meet you, Mr. Carlton.

You probably haven't thrown a baseball in a long time...

...whereas I'm an active player, so, you know...

...don't worry about looking bad because the camera will be on me.

I'm sure your heart is as big as the ball you use.

Okay. Places, everyone.

Okay, Steve. Now, it's no big deal.

- Just bean him. - No problem.

"Bean" who?

Yes, Mom, "intentional grounding."

Hey, there's an eyebrow on it.

Daddy, look, I got the ball.

No, Daddy, they're still looking for your ear...

...but I'm gonna have him sign it right underneath your eyebrow.

How would you like it to read?

Okay, great.

Mr. Carlton, could you please sign this to "the late Al Bundy"?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, time to take his bandage off.

Al, honey, I've been thinking about this and I think we better go home.

I'm worried you might get hurt.

Don't worry about me, Peg. I'm fine.

Hey, will somebody answer that phone?

I'll get it myself. Hello?

Another damn wrong number.

Besides, Peg, this should be fun.

It's always been an amateur's dream to see how far he can go with a pro.

I used to do a little boxing. And what I wanna do...

...is get in one good shot and get a bit of respect.

What I'm gonna do, Peg...

...I'm not gonna wait for the director to say "action." I'm gonna cheat.

And when the guy gets in the ring, I'm gonna pop him with one.

A good right hand, right away.

And I don't care, pro or no pro, that's gotta hurt, Peg.

- Hey, you're... - Action!

Wow, he didn't even have time to spit out a whimpering "no mas."

Sugar Ray, very nice.

That was fun.

You know, it's every professional's dream...

...to see how bad he can hurt a non-pro.

Help me.

Well, it looks like he's been hurt. We better make sure he's okay.

Hey, did you hurt your hand on my dad's jaw?

Hey, I'm curious about your name.

How did you get the name Leonard?

Sugar Ray, I blinked and I missed the whole thing.

- Could you hit him again? - Sure, yeah.

Al, get up.

What thinking man would call a down-and-out pattern...

...7 yards downfield when you need 8 for a first down?

Idiots.

- What's happening, Peg? - Shut up, Al, I'm watching the game.

So, what were those athletes really like?

Oh, well, they couldn't have been nicer.

At the party after the shoot we talked and we danced and...

It would have been great...

...except that Al kept calling from the hospital.

Why I let him put me down as who to notify in case of emergency...

...I'll never know.

It's like they know when you're having a good time.

It's half-time. All right, Al's commercial should be on any second.

At last, America will finally see me in all my athletic glory.

Zeus.

The all-sport shoe for the week end warrior.

You may not play lik e a pro.

You may not hit lik e a pro.

You may not fight lik e a pro.

But with Zeus, you won't have to.

Zeus, the shoes that will outlive you.

Hey, what happened to my face?

You inherited it from your father.

They can't do that to me. I'm the Zeus man, damn it!

Oh, well, I guess it really doesn't matter.

As long as my family saw me. They were there.

They saw me with those pros, and I took their best shots.

Who wants to be the first to put a pen in my mouth...

...and get an autograph?

Good news, folks, our toilet disks finally come in green.

It's lik e having a pine tree in your toilet.

Well, at least I'll get to watch the game in peace.

And now uninterrupted by commercials...

...we proudly present. ; Steel Magnolias.

Oh, no, not Steel Magnolias.

Buck. Buck, change the Super Bowl back on. I can't move.

You accidentally changed the channel.

Accident, my ass.

I love this movie.

Julia Roberts, so ill, so brave.

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