Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become
a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM
2
00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:42,208
This is Harry GoodSpeed
and the Plastic Cup Boyz,
3
00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:44,527
here at the Kevin Hart mix
and mingle after-party, baby.
4
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:45,561
It's going down.
5
00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:47,483
Let's go, baby!
6
00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:49,927
Hey, yo, that little jackass
right there dancing!
7
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,526
Hey, come on, get this!
8
00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:55,211
Craziness, as usual. Crazy.
9
00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:56,606
Yo, I'm about to make a toast.
You trying to roll?
10
00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:58,444
No, no. I got some girls in
the stairway waiting for me.
11
00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:00,648
All right, well... Ew! Nasty ass.
12
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,200
Brian, come on.
And stop leaving me, jackass!
13
00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:04,924
Spank, I'm about to make a toast, yo.
14
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:09,369
Hey! Hey, yo! Yo! Everybody, real quick.
Let me get your attention.
15
00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:12,609
Welcome to my mix
and mingle event, everybody.
16
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:13,881
Yeah, that's right, boy!
17
00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:17,720
We're toasting to a great year, man.
It's been a great year for me.
18
00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:21,242
We're gonna have a blast tonight.
Drinks are free, it's all on me.
19
00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:23,971
What up, Big K!/
It's a celebration!
20
00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:27,484
Have fun, everybody!
21
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:29,324
Kevi-Kev! Baby boy!/
What's up, baby?
22
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:30,731
How you feeling, baby? Good to see you.
23
00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:32,444
Hey, thank you for inviting
a dapper brother like me.
24
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:33,646
No problem, man.
25
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,006
They say you ain't been
talking to your dad.
26
00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:36,081
Is that shit true?
27
00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:38,447
No. Let me explain something
to you. Listen, that's not...
28
00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:40,010
Get your shit together.
29
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:42,765
No. No, dude. Hey, hey.
I can explain what...
30
00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:45,730
Hey, boo!/
Wow! How you doing?
31
00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:48,765
Is it true you don't fuck with
dark-skinned bitches no more?
32
00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:49,881
Huh?
33
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:52,041
You ain't even dark-skinned!
34
00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:53,081
Let me explain something to you.
35
00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:55,128
No, no, no, no/
I said... Wait, now.
36
00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:56,929
I don't wanna hear it. Neither do my girls.
37
00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:59,770
Do your girls? Listen, let me talk to you.
38
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:04,531
What are you doing, man?/
You got some goddamn nerve!
39
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:05,806
Get your ass over here, man.
40
00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:07,848
That girl be yelling at me.
I can fucking yell back.
41
00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:10,241
Nigga, you asked for that!
That's the price of fame.
42
00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:11,611
That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard.
43
00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:12,641
I can't deal with you, man.
44
00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:14,840
I need somebody to talk some
sense into your dumb ass.
45
00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:15,961
Harry/
Yo, Spank!
46
00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:17,041
That's stupid for you to get Spank.
47
00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:19,361
Yo!/
Listen, jackass over here mad,
48
00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:21,041
'cause he can't compare to Eddie Murphy.
49
00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:22,286
What was that?/
What?
50
00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:25,284
First, quiet. First of all,
I never said anything like that.
51
00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:28,967
Dude! That's the price of fame/
What the fuck are you... I never said...
52
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,128
Let me explain something to you, Spank.
What I just said...
53
00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:32,491
Ain't nobody trying to hear that shit.
54
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,403
Hey, yo, yo. Yo. Hey, Na'im!
55
00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:38,963
Fucking Kev over here getting upset
because Soul Plane bombed.
56
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,570
It bombed. It flopped/
That was yesterday!
57
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,404
That's the price of fame.
You asked for this.
58
00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:45,689
Kev, Kev. Kevin motherfucking Hart/
Who the fuck is this?
59
00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:48,331
No. Hold on, man. Listen, I'm a fan.
60
00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:49,964
Oh, thank you/
But only in America.
61
00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:53,089
What?/
You ain't shit until you perform in Paris.
62
00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:57,165
Okay/
Old LAB-ass nigga. Local-ass bitch.
63
00:03:58,840 --> 00:03:59,841
Come on, y'all.
64
00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:05,320
Hey, Terry! Hey! Get him out of here!
65
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:07,323
Hey! Hey!
66
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:11,690
I can't believe this shit, man.
67
00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,281
Whoo! You got to be kidding me.
68
00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:18,529
I can't even enjoy myself
at my own mix and mingle party.
69
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:19,931
I put this party together!
70
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:23,325
Why can't I enjoy myself?
71
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:26,842
'Cause I'm dealing with a bunch of people
who wanna tell me about my life.
72
00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:28,524
Why you gonna talk to yourself?
You know what?
73
00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:31,080
Be a man and confront somebody.
74
00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,288
Want me to explain myself?
75
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:42,490
That's exactly what I'mma do.
Nate! Nate!
76
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:44,729
Where's Nate at?
Y'all seen Nate? Nate!
77
00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:46,521
Come here.
78
00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:49,287
I know what I wanna do.
79
00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:50,885
I want you to call the Garden,
80
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:53,571
tell them I'm coming down there
to get some shit off my chest right now.
81
00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:55,722
Kevin, all this food,
and you want Olive Garden, man? For real?
82
00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:57,404
Nate, ain't nobody talking about
no goddamn Olive Garden.
83
00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:58,720
I'm talking about
Madison Square Garden, Nate.
84
00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:01,081
Tell them I'm coming down there right now
to explain some shit.
85
00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:03,606
We can't just call the Garden/
God damn it, Nate! What are you doing?
86
00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:06,411
Okay, look, we don't go back and forth.
That's not why I pay you.
87
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,160
Okay, I pay you to do
what I ask you to do.
88
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:10,248
Right now, what I'm asking you to do
needs to get done.
89
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:11,281
So do it!
90
00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:12,725
Kev, you know how many people
Madison's gonna hold?
91
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:13,801
God, Nate, if I...
92
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:16,201
Why am I going back and forth with you?
Huh?
93
00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:18,400
Is that your job?
You don't go back and forth with me.
94
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:19,761
Nate, I'll punch you.
95
00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:23,123
I'll double-punch your face,
and I'll break both of your eyes.
96
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:25,931
You seriously the boss, Kev, all right/
You're goddamn right I'm the boss.
97
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:28,008
And let me tell you something
about the boss.
98
00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:31,766
Sometimes, when the boss gets hungry,
he turns into an elephant.
99
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,928
Which means he needs some nuts.
100
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:36,884
And right now, I'm about to get some nuts.
101
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,251
Exactly what does that mean, though, Kev?
102
00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:41,484
Shut this party down. Right now.
103
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:46,131
Shut the party down.
Madison Square Garden.
104
00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:47,321
This nigga crazy.
105
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,323
I'm about to go to Madison Square Garden
and explain.
106
00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:50,811
Nate's setting it up right now.
107
00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:53,360
Don't try to talk me out of it!
I'm doing it right now!
108
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,283
Don't try to stop me!/
Oh, shit!
109
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:56,367
Don't try to stop me!
110
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:57,521
Hey, Kev, hold on!
111
00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:00,368
Well then, try and stop me! I'm going!
112
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,090
Hey, Kev, what you doing, man?
113
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,369
What the fuck you doing, man?
Don't be touching my shit!
114
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:08,124
Shut your ass up, man.
115
00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:11,448
Everybody, listen up!
This party's officially over.
116
00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:13,124
Kevin's about to go to
Madison Square Garden
117
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:15,646
'cause he wants to explain.
Good night.
118
00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:21,810
Shall we go?/
Where?
119
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:25,330
He's going to explain!
120
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:29,202
Go! Go, go, go, go, 90!
121
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:32,410
Kev! Wait!
122
00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:34,485
Oh, shit. Move, bitch!
123
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:43,087
Okay. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
124
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:47,363
Oh, hell no!
125
00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,841
Why this motherfucker
didn't take the elevator?
126
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:52,685
God damn it.
I should have took the elevator.
127
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:55,849
Kev! What you doing?/
Get your goddamn hands off me.
128
00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:57,410
But the Garden?
You gonna do the Garden?
129
00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:58,601
You're damned right I'mma do the Garden!
130
00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:00,091
Man, he crazy/
Why shouldn't I?
131
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:02,925
It's gonna be 30,000 people
at the Garden, my nigga.
132
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,889
There's 30,000 goddamn people
at the Garden?
133
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,530
Well, didn't nobody tell me that.
134
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,564
I'm out, I'm out. Right now.
I'm going. I'm about to leave.
135
00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:11,566
To the Garden.
136
00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:22,961
Phew!
137
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:26,328
Relax. Breathe, Kevin, you are fine.
138
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:36,362
You're ready for this. Okay? It's time!
139
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:38,249
It's time that you explained this shit.
140
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:40,766
Is it true you don't fuck with
dark-skinned bitches no more?
141
00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:45,768
Why would I not like dark-skinned girls?
I don't even know where that came from.
142
00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:49,208
I'm friends with so many
dark-skinned girls. So many.
143
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:50,810
My daughter's dark-skinned!
144
00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:53,929
I love my daughter.
So I guess I don't love my daughter?
145
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,604
Boy, I will tell you.
146
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,650
I heard his little ass
don't even talk to his ex-wife no more.
147
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:02,088
Okay, me and my ex-wife are friends!
What are you talking about?
148
00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:04,009
"The divorce, did Kevin change?"
149
00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:06,401
"Oh, he Hollywood now.
150
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:09,131
"Kevin Hollywood now,
'cause he got a divorce."
151
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,568
Please. We're friends.
152
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:15,843
We're applicable. We're applicable.
153
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:19,969
I hope I said that word right,
'cause I don't even know.
154
00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:22,008
But we are.
155
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:25,084
That's the best thing about
being a comedian, I can address it.
156
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:28,164
I can talk about it my damn self/
Hey, look!
157
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:30,368
It's that hysterical comedian,
Kevin Hart.
158
00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:31,965
Yeah, well...
159
00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:36,963
There ain't no way to explain that.
That's just...
160
00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:38,405
It's a bad day.
161
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,524
Old LAB-ass nigga.
162
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,204
Okay, okay, now that's enough...
163
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:44,964
Local-ass bitch.
164
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:48,283
I'm not gonna tolerate that.
Not after what I've been through this year.
165
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:51,210
You're not gonna call me
no LAB, no "local-ass bitch."
166
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,361
You know why?
167
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:55,444
I traveled the world doing comedy, people.
I did!
168
00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:58,131
You know what, I don't like the
fact that I'm telling you this.
169
00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:01,084
I would much rather show you.
Look for yourself, people.
170
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,322
This is my second time coming back here,
171
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:34,250
and you guys have shown me
nothing but love.
172
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,891
Amazing. Absolutely amazing/
Awesome.
173
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,849
Kevin Hart is the funniest man alive.
174
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:40,763
You ain't got no daddy
175
00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:54,689
Thank you for the love.
Thank you for the support.
176
00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:56,490
We totally love him. Keep coming!
177
00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:58,602
It was amazing/
I love Kevin.
178
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:08,444
I fucking love you, Toronto!
Thank you!
179
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,522
The show was awesome!/
It was great.
180
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,284
We love you, Kevin Hart!
181
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:18,127
I feel such genuine...
182
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,407
You have no idea how much
I love and appreciate y'all
183
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,520
for the fucking support that
you guys have given me.
184
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:35,211
You about to shit, ain't you?/
No, no. Ain't no shitting on the bus.
185
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,721
It is if it's shitting on a good bus/
No shitting on a bus.
186
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,565
Downstairs?/
No, ain't no shitting on the bus at all.
187
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:42,489
I'm calling a team meeting right now.
188
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:44,403
No shitting.
No shitting on the bus, dude.
189
00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:47,410
I can't, man! I shit at
least seven times a day.
190
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,721
When they gotta shit,
we'll pull over and go to...
191
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,091
So we can pull over?/
Yeah.
192
00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:52,730
Yeah. We ain't telling
you to shit on yourself!
193
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:53,881
Well, I will.
194
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:57,846
I got a rule. A nigga shit on a bus,
you gotta pay that $500.
195
00:10:57,920 --> 00:10:59,843
$500 to take a shit?
196
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,081
That's a fine.
197
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,811
So, how do I say,
"What's up, everybody?"
198
00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:12,923
Okay. Now, how many people
know who I am? Ask them.
199
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,166
I love Kevin Hart!
200
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,123
Let me say something.
201
00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:25,005
I have never been to Oslo in my life.
202
00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:26,929
Never, ever.
203
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:33,771
And the first time I come here,
you guys welcome me with a sold-out show.
204
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,643
Genuinely, I fucking thank you.
205
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:56,166
I loved him in Soul Plane.
Definitely his best work.
206
00:11:56,240 --> 00:12:00,723
Well, Kevin, you're awesome.
It was nice seeing you in Denmark.
207
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:03,371
Yeah. We'll miss you,
and you definitely need to come back.
208
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:13,084
All right, all right, all right!
209
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:28,000
Amsterdam! Thank you for the love.
210
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:31,368
Thank you for the support.
211
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:36,761
You wanna see
if niggas is weird or not?
212
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:39,846
Be on a bus with them for 10 hours.
213
00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:41,285
You're gonna see a lot of shit.
214
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,920
We've been driving for eight hours.
215
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:52,126
We could have been there
in one on a goddamn plane.
216
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,282
I think it was a smart decision.
217
00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:56,124
Man, this is the dumbest shit he ever did.
218
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:57,247
Don't nobody do this.
219
00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:01,530
He's still the same dumb motherfucker
he was goddamn 27 years ago.
220
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,285
Just look like a bunch of idiots
on a double-decker bus.
221
00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:08,570
Either get on a plane
for two and a half hours,
222
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:14,130
or take a bus for 10 hours and be with
your friends and talk to one another.
223
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:16,929
Some people on here stink.
224
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:19,731
There's a stench from hell.
225
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,211
It's just a lot of funky-ass...
226
00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:22,241
It's like gumbo.
227
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:24,840
...I'll-hygiene-ass niggas on this bus.
228
00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:26,769
It's fucking disgusting.
229
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,729
That's why I stay back here
in the quarters, you know.
230
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:31,087
Me and my lady, we lay
back here in comfort.
231
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,442
Hey, the tour bus was a mistake!
232
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:44,567
Birmingham, you guys are amazing.
Thank you for the love. I'm out.
233
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,928
It was chill!/
The show was hilarious.
234
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,281
I love you!/
That was amazing.
235
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:52,169
That was a brilliant show.
236
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:53,480
Kevin!
237
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,170
...all the way.
You gotta see him, you gotta see him.
238
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:56,241
Brilliant. Excellent.
239
00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:57,651
He's sexy in real life/
All right, all right!
240
00:13:57,720 --> 00:13:58,767
I'm gonna marry you.
241
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:00,006
Whoo!
242
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:01,241
Kevin!
243
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:03,760
Come back to the UK
and smash it again, Kevin Hart.
244
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:06,525
The guy is good all the time.
245
00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:17,285
Wow! London, this is crazy!
I can't believe this, man.
246
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:19,169
I came here and sold out.
247
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:21,447
I appreciate you all. I love you all.
248
00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:28,449
I really feel like Kevin has grown into
the young mogul that he really wants to be.
249
00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:33,884
Kevin was a guy
that was true to his story.
250
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:37,131
He knew where he came from,
he knew where he wanted to go.
251
00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:39,887
I've seen where we started.
252
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:44,170
And to see him go from
a hole-in-the-wall bar in Atlantic City
253
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:47,483
to performing in front of 15,000 people,
254
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,085
you know, you gotta take your hat off.
255
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:53,724
I mean, he can go into Norway,
and Sweden and Denmark,
256
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:55,529
and get the reception that he's getting.
257
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:57,170
He's becoming a global brand.
258
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:59,646
Everything he's done,
we've pretty much seen on YouTube.
259
00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:01,245
YouTube/
YouTube.
260
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:02,731
On YouTube, everything.
261
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,326
I then saw him on YouTube
and I thought he was hilarious.
262
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:08,006
But I've seen his stuff in YouTube,
and I love that, man.
263
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:10,162
I've seen, like, every show on YouTube.
264
00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,208
I've seen all your shows on YouTube, man!
265
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:15,884
I'm some 1,000 miles away
in other countries,
266
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,042
and the love that this cat is getting...
267
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:19,804
He's so loyal.
268
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:24,607
Like, he doesn't want anybody to
feel like he's not there for them.
269
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:25,841
This is a team.
270
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:30,568
This has been running for four years
strong, and we all work good together.
271
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,564
God, be that angel in my corner
272
00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:06,404
likeyou always are.
273
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:10,206
Mom, I know you're watching over me,
and I know you're proud. Amen.
274
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:12,371
I know I'm in Madison Square Garden,
and this shit is sold out.
275
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:14,442
Y'all better make some fucking noise!
276
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:19,601
I'm gonna say it again.
277
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,842
I know I'm in fucking
Madison Square Garden.
278
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:23,331
This bitch sold out.
279
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:26,006
Y'all better make some fucking noise!
280
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:30,966
Uh...
281
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,128
You see my fire? You see my fire?
282
00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:39,364
You got to be a big deal
to have fire, people.
283
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,329
It means I'm a big goddamn deal.
284
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:45,326
Let me tell you why I got fire.
Let me tell you why.
285
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:48,483
I went to go see
Jay-Z and Kanye perform, right?
286
00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,050
These niggas had a bunch of fire.
287
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:55,321
I was like, "Yo, this show
is the shit, 'cause they got fire."
288
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:58,331
No comedian has ever had fire.
289
00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:01,330
I'm about to be the first comedian
with some fucking fire.
290
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:02,886
So...
291
00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:07,801
Because of that, throughout my show,
you're gonna see a bunch of pointless fire.
292
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:12,366
You're laughing?
I'm not playing. I'm dead serious.
293
00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:13,521
You think it's a game?
294
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:15,284
Give fire for these bitches one time.
295
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:19,240
There's about to be a
bunch of fucking fire.
296
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,002
This show's gonna be hot. Literally.
297
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:24,686
Um...
298
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,449
Lot of shit to talk about, man.
299
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:30,241
I wanna talk about the fact that I'm happy.
I'm happy right now, people.
300
00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:31,601
Uh...
301
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:36,570
I wanna explain why I'm happy.
302
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:38,085
First of all, my divorce is final.
303
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:39,924
That's the first reason why.
304
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:46,402
Now, here's what I wanna explain
about my divorce.
305
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:48,568
Everybody assumes that because
you went through a divorce,
306
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:50,051
you went through a
fucked-up period of life.
307
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:53,011
You hate each other.
You're enemies. It's not true.
308
00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:55,361
At the end of the day,
that's the mother of my kids.
309
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:58,051
I'm always gonna respect her
as the mother of my kids.
310
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:02,211
She's happy, she's moved on.
I'm happy, I've moved on.
311
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:05,403
I'm happier than she is, though.
I am.
312
00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:09,644
No, I am. I'm doing a lot of happy shit
right now, people. You have no idea.
313
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:11,484
I took a fucking walk the other day.
314
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:14,882
Do you know how happy you gotta be
to take a goddamn walk?
315
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:17,322
To just go outside
and start fucking walking?
316
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,563
I knew I was happy because I was
talking to myself while I was walking.
317
00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:23,724
I was like, "You hungry?"
"I could eat."
318
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,001
It was just me, though. Right?
319
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:27,605
Nobody else was there.
320
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:31,480
I stopped, I fed pigeons.
That's some happy shit!
321
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:33,130
You gotta be happy to feed pigeons.
322
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:36,245
Here's a beautiful thing
about me feeding pigeons.
323
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:39,444
When I was done feeding the pigeons,
I didn't have to lie about it.
324
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:42,131
See, when you're married,
you lie about shit like that.
325
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,811
Because you don't believe
that your wife would ever believe
326
00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:48,680
that you were doing something as dumb
as feeding some goddamn pigeons.
327
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,446
There's not a married man
sitting in this audience right now
328
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:53,050
that can go out and feed pigeons,
329
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:55,327
and his wife calls, and she says,
"Babe, where you at?"
330
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:56,845
And you go, "I'm feeding pigeons."
331
00:19:56,920 --> 00:20:00,163
And she believes that
he was feeding some fucking pigeons.
332
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,083
It'll never happen.
It's an argument off the bat.
333
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:04,407
"Where you at, babe?"
"I'm out here feeding pigeons."
334
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:06,010
"You ain't feeding no damn pigeons!"
335
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,003
"What're you talking about?
I am feeding the pigeons."
336
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:09,969
"Then put the pigeon
on the fucking phone."
337
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:11,246
"What?"
338
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:13,044
"Let me talk to the goddamn pigeon."
339
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:19,845
"That ain't no pigeon.
340
00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:25,051
"Tell the bitch sitting next to you
that's making pigeon noises on the phone,
341
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:27,606
"when I see her, I'm gonna beat her ass.
342
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,969
"'Oh, fake pigeon noise making
ass'bitch.
343
00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:35,001
"'Oh, not knowing how to sound
like a pigeon ass' bitch.
344
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,367
"Matter of fact,
tell that bitch that when I see her,
345
00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:40,683
"I'm gonna grab a real pigeon
and smack the shit out of her with it.
346
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:42,802
"She could see
what a real pigeon sounds like.
347
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:45,366
"'Oh, false pigeon vocal chord
having ass' bitch."
348
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:47,329
I'm fucking killing y'all, man.
349
00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:48,964
Get fire on these bitches one time.
350
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:58,200
I'm at a point now
where I understand who I am as a man.
351
00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:00,248
I know my pros, I know my cons.
352
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:04,649
Here's what's bad about me, people.
I'm a liar. I love to lie.
353
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:09,248
Uh... I don't know why. I wish I could stop.
I can't. I think I'm sick. It's a disease.
354
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:11,321
I don't even tell good lies.
355
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:13,681
I tell a bunch of dumb-ass lies
on a regular basis.
356
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:15,802
Let me tell you something.
There's nothing worse
357
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:20,488
than telling a dumb-ass lie
and getting caught telling a dumb-ass lie.
358
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,329
For example,
I don't like talking on my cell phone.
359
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:23,521
I can't stand talking on my phone.
360
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:26,524
But I don't know how to tell people
that I don't like to talk on my phone.
361
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:29,683
I think that makes me, like, an asshole,
so I'd much rather lie about it.
362
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:32,451
Here's how I got caught the other day.
I'm in my car, I'm driving.
363
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:35,291
My boy calls me when I'm driving,
I pick up, "Yo, what up?"
364
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:36,885
"Kev, what's going on?" Instantly, I lie.
365
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,962
I said, "Dude,
I can't be on the phone like that.
366
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:40,121
"I'm out of the country.
367
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:41,884
"I'm not trying to have
a high-ass phone bill."
368
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,645
This is no bullshit.
This is what I heard, he said,
369
00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:47,561
"Nigga, ain't that you at the stoplight
right there in front of me?"
370
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:48,721
I said, "What?"
371
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:52,084
I'm so oblivious at lying, I waved.
372
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:55,642
"What's up, man?
What's going on with you, baby?"
373
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:56,881
"Why you said you was out of the country?"
374
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:58,521
"I didn't say that. I never said that."
375
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:02,167
I don't wanna be a liar. I don't.
376
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:03,924
I blame y'all. It's your fault.
377
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:07,521
'Cause y'all put me in positions
where I have no choice but to lie.
378
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:09,767
For example, I'm here. I'm in New York.
379
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:12,167
I'm at the airport.
I'm in baggage claim, right?
380
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:14,891
This girl sees me, she goes off.
381
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:16,922
She loses her fucking mind.
382
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:18,240
Soon as she saw me, she was like,
383
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:20,209
"oh, my God, no, Kevin!
384
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:27,084
"Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
I can't believe this!
385
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:32,731
"God must be playing a trick on me!
God must be playing a trick on me!
386
00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:33,966
"Oh, my God!
387
00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:36,765
"I said I was gonna see you and then
I see you, and now I'm looking at you.
388
00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:38,365
"Oh, my God, I can't believe it.
389
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:40,329
"Oh, my God!
390
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:43,762
"Can you do me a favor?
Can you wait here for, like, 30 minutes?
391
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:47,606
"My mom is about to land.
She would love to get a picture with you."
392
00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:50,928
I was like, "Fuck, yeah, I'll wait.
Go ahead, go get her."
393
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:52,769
As soon as she left, I took off.
394
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:56,805
"Bitch, I'm not standing here for no
30 minutes waiting for your goddamn mom.
395
00:22:56,840 --> 00:23:00,208
"No! Kill yourself. Die! Today!
396
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,328
"Death to you, bitch, die!
397
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:04,290
"I'm not fucking waiting for you."
398
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:06,643
But I can't say that.
399
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:09,530
If I say that, that makes
me, like, an asshole.
400
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:11,802
There are certain lies that I can't tell.
401
00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:13,769
For example, I can't tell big lies.
402
00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:15,531
Reason why I can't tell big lies
403
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:19,047
is because I'm one of those people
that start to believe the lie.
404
00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:21,726
Like, once I get that ball
rolling, I can't stop.
405
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:23,165
You know who I respect?
406
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:25,163
I respect people that
work a nine-to-five job
407
00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:27,481
that could show up late for work
without an excuse.
408
00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:29,520
They show up,
take full responsibility.
409
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:32,081
"Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.
It'll never happen again.
410
00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:35,130
"I overslept, I apologize.
It's irresponsible on my behalf.
411
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:36,924
"If I do it again, fire me."
412
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:38,411
I respect people that can do that.
413
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:41,729
'Cause I can't do that,
'cause I'm a fucking liar. I am.
414
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:43,290
If I'm late, something happened.
415
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:46,449
I don't give a shit.
Something drastic happened.
416
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:49,203
"Yo, dude, sorry I'm late.
417
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:54,326
"I was on the highway and a fucking baby
was running on the highway.
418
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:57,242
"Yeah, I know, right? Shit's crazy.
419
00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:59,641
"So I get out of the car,
I start chasing the baby.
420
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:02,490
"In my mind, I'm like,
'Why're you running, baby?'
421
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:04,284
"That's what I'm thinking, right?
422
00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:05,566
"I'm like, 'What do you do?'
423
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:09,087
"'Cause I can't just grab the baby and throw
the baby in the car, that's kidnapping.
424
00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:10,525
"I fuck around and go to jail.
425
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:13,524
"I got a little butt, I'll get raped.
I know they'll fucking rape me in jail.
426
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:14,760
"I ain't trying to get raped.
427
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:17,883
"So I had to make a decision.
I was like, 'Shit, what do I do?'
428
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:20,247
"So I decided to adopt the baby.
429
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:25,167
"What I did was, I downloaded this app on
my iPhone, this Adopt the Baby app, right?
430
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:27,368
"I put the barcode on the baby head. Boop!
431
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:29,090
"That way the baby knew he was my baby.
432
00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,487
"I put the baby in the
car, I go to pull off,
433
00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:35,451
"I turn around,
a deer was running towards the car.
434
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:39,440
"So I'm like, 'Oh, shit!
This deer is about to eat the baby!'
435
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:41,409
"That's what I'm thinking, right?
436
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:44,842
"But then I looked closer, I noticed
the front part of the deer was a deer,
437
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:46,485
"the back half was a zebra.
438
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:48,961
"It was half deer, half zebra.
439
00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:52,004
"So I'm like, 'Oh, shit! It's a deerbra!'
440
00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:55,243
"Like, that's what I'm thinking,
'It's a fucking deerbra.'
441
00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:56,924
"So I call the zoo, I'm like,
442
00:24:57,000 --> 00:25:02,404
"'Yo, there's a fucking deerbra
out here on the highway!'
443
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:06,081
"He was like, 'What's that?'
I was like, 'Half deer, half zebra.'
444
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:09,448
"He was like, 'Did you just make that up?'
I was like, 'I think so.'
445
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:10,801
Um...
446
00:25:10,880 --> 00:25:12,086
"He said, 'Well, bring it down.'
447
00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:17,445
"So I get down there, he sees it, he's like,
'Oh, shit, it's half deer, half zebra!'
448
00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:20,490
"I said, 'That's what I was trying
to tell you on the phone, it's a deerbra.
449
00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:22,642
"He was like, Okay, what do you want?
Do you want money for it?'
450
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:25,007
"I said, No, I don't
have that type of time.
451
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:30,564
"'I gotta get back to the car because
my new son is in the car by hisself.
452
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:36,249
"So I get back to the car, turns out, the
baby that I thought was a baby wasn't a baby.
453
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:39,648
"It was a grown-ass man
with Benjamin Button disease.
454
00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:41,841
"Let me tell you how I figured this out.
455
00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:44,730
"I figured this out, ' cause
when I got to the car, the baby woke up.
456
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:48,122
"I was like, 'Hey, I'm your new dad.
I've just adopted you.
457
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:51,483
"He was like,
'You ain't my dad, bitch! I'm 65.
458
00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:55,121
"I said, 'Goddamn!' He
said, 'I got a disease.
459
00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:57,368
"I was like, 'You got
that Benjamin Button.
460
00:25:57,600 --> 00:25:59,887
"He was like, 'Where's my deerbra?
461
00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:03,806
"I said, 'I knew that was a
fucking deerbra, I knew it was.
462
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:05,291
"'I just took it to the zoo.
463
00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:07,641
"He was like, 'Well, how the fuck
am I supposed to get home?
464
00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:11,247
"I said, 'You ride that motherfucker, man?
465
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,844
"Anyway, long story short,
that's why I'm five minutes late for work,
466
00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:19,847
"'cause it took a long-ass time for me
to get the fucking deerbra in the car."
467
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:23,930
Understand something, people.
Lying will ruin your life.
468
00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:27,366
Lying will ruin your goddamn life.
469
00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:29,522
Lying ruined my marriage.
True shit, sweetie.
470
00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:32,691
Lying ruined my goddamn marriage.
471
00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:34,766
That's a lie, I cheated.
472
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:36,888
Let's talk about it, though,
let's figure it out.
473
00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:39,725
Don't judge me. Let me explain. Um...
474
00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,201
Yes. Yes, people, I cheated.
475
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:44,851
Am I ashamed of it? No. No, I am not.
476
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:46,645
Do I wish that I could take it back?
477
00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:49,646
No. No, I don't. Let me tell you why.
478
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:52,291
You can't evolve as a man
if you never make a mistake.
479
00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:54,442
The only way that you could be perfect
is to fuck up.
480
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:58,809
I get it, I fucked up.
"Don't cheat." Nah! Whatever.
481
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,291
Now, do I think cheating was the problem?
No, I don't.
482
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:05,129
Cheating was not the problem.
483
00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:07,561
Lying about cheating was the problem.
484
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:09,841
If I'd had been honest about it,
might have worked it out.
485
00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:11,245
But I wasn't. I lied.
486
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:14,529
And I didn't just lie on myself,
I put my best friend in my lie.
487
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:16,280
Now I don't think that's a bad thing to do.
488
00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:18,050
Let me explain why.
489
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:21,403
If you're my best friend,
I shouldn't have to ask you to lie for me.
490
00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:24,603
I shouldn't have to ask your permission
for me to put you in my lie.
491
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:27,047
You know why? 'Cause you're my
best fucking friend, bitch.
492
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:28,081
That's your job.
493
00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:30,766
The day that we signed up
and said that we best friends,
494
00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:33,889
that means that my
bullshit is your bullshit.
495
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:36,446
And your bullshit is my bullshit.
496
00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:38,445
If you're my real best friend,
497
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:41,364
you should know that I need you
to lie for me by the look on my face.
498
00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:44,244
If I'm looking at you
and I'm not blinking, if I'm like this...
499
00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:49,367
that's a goddamn sign.
500
00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:50,931
That means, "The bitch got the drop on us.
501
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,401
"My back is against the wall.
This is not a test.
502
00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:58,002
"It's the real deal, help me! Help me!
503
00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:01,603
"Nigga! Help me!"
504
00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:08,001
My friend Harry ignored all signs, okay?
505
00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:11,288
Let me tell you how shit hit the fan.
506
00:28:11,360 --> 00:28:12,486
I come in the house, right?
507
00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:13,971
Come in the house,
like, 4:00 in the morning.
508
00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:15,610
I'm drunk, people. Drunk as shit.
509
00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:18,570
I have no balance. I'm all over the place.
I'm rocking back and forth.
510
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:21,809
Soon as I walk in the house,
she wakes up, she goes off.
511
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:25,766
"You know what? I'm sick of this.
I know you's probably out with some bitch.
512
00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:27,643
"You was probably
messing with some bitch."
513
00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:30,803
Now, I'm drunk, I don't wanna respond,
because I don't have any balance.
514
00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:32,166
I'm rocking back and forth.
515
00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:34,846
You don't look believable
when you're rocking back and forth.
516
00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:37,366
So I had to choose a stance
in which I looked believable.
517
00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:38,487
So I chose this.
518
00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:40,085
I said, "Let me tell you something,
listen to me.
519
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:43,687
"Wasn't nobody with no bitch, okay?
You're wrong.
520
00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:46,366
"Matter of fact, to prove you wrong,
I'm gonna call Harry.
521
00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:49,922
"Harry not expecting me to call right now,
so Harry don't have no reason to lie.
522
00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:51,928
"And I'm gonna put it on speakerphone.
523
00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:54,207
"About to make you feel stupid. Watch this.
524
00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:58,080
"Watch how fucking stupid you feel.
Watch. Watch this.
525
00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:03,969
"Harry. Harry, real quick, don't lie."
526
00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:06,920
Let's stop right there.
Let's just stop right there for a second.
527
00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:10,364
What does that mean?
What does that mean, people?
528
00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:13,171
Lie. It means, lie. Right now.
529
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:14,651
That means, "The bitch got the drop on us.
530
00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:16,842
"My back is against the wall.
This is not a test.
531
00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:21,403
"It's the real deal, help me! Help me!
532
00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:25,641
"Nigga! Help me!"
533
00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:29,846
Harry ignored all signs.
534
00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:32,530
I'm gonna tell you exactly what Harry said.
535
00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:37,691
I said, "Harry. Harry, real quick, don't lie.
Where're we coming from right now?"
536
00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:42,561
He said, "Man, you was with that
bitch with the fat ass."
537
00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:45,450
"What? Oh, no.
538
00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:48,364
"No, no, no, no.
539
00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:53,401
"Oh, no. No, no, no, no." Yo.
540
00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:57,851
I was so fucking scared.
I was so scared.
541
00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:03,042
I mean, this bitch gonna kill me.
She's gonna fucking kill me.
542
00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:08,490
See, but understand
something. I'm not mad at Harry.
543
00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:12,566
The reason I'm not mad at Harry
is because Harry has done some dumb shit,
544
00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:13,926
but I understand who he is.
545
00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:18,648
See, Harry might be the smartest dumbest
friend that I've ever had in my life, okay?
546
00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:20,563
Let me tell you the dumbest thing
that Harry has ever done.
547
00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:23,086
Harry invented the code for us to use
548
00:30:23,120 --> 00:30:25,600
to let each other know
when we were around our women.
549
00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:28,286
Basically, if somebody used the code,
it means, "Don't say anything stupid.
550
00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:30,408
"You might be on speakerphone.
Don't say nothing dumb.
551
00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:33,450
"The phone might be loud enough so my girl
can hear whatever it is you're saying."
552
00:30:33,560 --> 00:30:37,007
It means, "Don't say anything
that could jeopardize our relationship."
553
00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:40,801
The code was, "Man, I'm hungry as shit."
554
00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:44,680
That's the code, people.
"Man, I'm hungry as shit."
555
00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:46,920
Here's what pissed me off about the code.
556
00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:50,723
Harry invented the fucking code.
557
00:30:51,480 --> 00:30:54,689
So there's no reason
why Harry should have messed up the code.
558
00:30:54,760 --> 00:30:55,886
Here's how Harry messes it up.
559
00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:58,531
I'm in the car with my lady.
I'm driving, she's in the passenger seat.
560
00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:00,011
Harry calls me when I'm in the car.
561
00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:03,766
I got the Bluetooth shit in the car,
so my phone rings, the whole car rings.
562
00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:06,121
Harry's name pops up on the dashboard.
563
00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:07,964
I answer, "What up, boy?"
564
00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:09,804
"Kev, what's going on?" "Ain't shit."
565
00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:12,486
This is how I knew the conversation
was about to take a turn for the worse.
566
00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:14,721
This is how I knew it was
about to get filthy. He said,
567
00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:17,641
"Nigga!"
568
00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:38,686
"Harry, hey, hey.
Man, I'm hungry as shit!"
569
00:31:39,120 --> 00:31:43,967
He said, "I'm not. I just ate."
"What? What! Harry!"
570
00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:46,850
"Harry!"
571
00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:51,523
"Harry!" I said, "Man, I'm hungry as shit."
572
00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:54,331
He says, "Yo, you should go to Subway
and get the footlong for five dollars."
573
00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:58,371
"What the fuck! Harry! Harry!"
574
00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:02,043
I said, "Man, I'm hungry as shit."
575
00:32:02,120 --> 00:32:08,082
He said, "Oh, that must mean
you're ready to eat these white bitches."
576
00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:12,724
"What? Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
577
00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:14,326
"No, no, no.
578
00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:17,443
"I ain't eating no white bitch.
I ain't eating no white bitches.
579
00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:21,411
"I never did. Oh, my God, no. Oh, no."
580
00:32:21,840 --> 00:32:24,525
Yo, have you ever
been in trouble with your girl
581
00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:26,364
to the point where
you're afraid to look at her,
582
00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:30,121
but you can feel her staring
at the side of your goddamn face?
583
00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:32,043
I was so scared, I never looked at her.
584
00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:34,208
I just looked straight and
started making dumb-ass noises.
585
00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:38,961
I started pointing out shit.
586
00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:41,691
"Oh, look, a deerbra!
You see it? I just saw a deerbra."
587
00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:44,365
I'm fucking killing y'all, man.
588
00:32:44,480 --> 00:32:46,926
Get fire on these bitches again.
589
00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:50,049
Now, here's the thing.
590
00:32:50,120 --> 00:32:53,806
I'm not upset with Harry
for doing all the dumb shit that he's done.
591
00:32:53,880 --> 00:32:56,565
Reason why is because
I've learned so much from Harry.
592
00:32:56,640 --> 00:32:59,484
Like, literally, now I know
what to do, what not to do.
593
00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:01,130
I know what I want, what I don't want.
594
00:33:01,200 --> 00:33:03,601
And, fellas, I'm not selfish
with this information.
595
00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:06,081
I feel like it's my job to educate y'all.
596
00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:08,288
I can tell you what you want
in your life, what you don't.
597
00:33:08,360 --> 00:33:11,125
I can tell you the one thing
that you do not want in your household.
598
00:33:11,200 --> 00:33:12,929
Fellas, the one thing that you
don't want in your household
599
00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:15,002
is a female that doesn't trust you.
600
00:33:15,080 --> 00:33:17,242
Only thing that's worse than a
female that doesn't trust you
601
00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:22,326
is a female that doesn't trust you that has
no proof for why she doesn't trust you.
602
00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:25,449
That bitch is crazy. Let me tell you why.
603
00:33:25,480 --> 00:33:28,529
She's crazy because
she has so many thoughts in her head
604
00:33:28,600 --> 00:33:30,284
about what you might be doing,
605
00:33:30,400 --> 00:33:32,687
and it pisses her off
that she can't figure it out.
606
00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:34,444
That's why she sits in the house all day,
607
00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:38,326
trying to put pieces to a puzzle together
that doesn't exist.
608
00:33:38,400 --> 00:33:40,687
"Oh, he done fucked up.
609
00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:42,489
"Oh, this nigga fucked up.
610
00:33:42,560 --> 00:33:44,528
"What the fuck is this right here?
611
00:33:44,600 --> 00:33:46,409
"Oh, I got his ass now."
612
00:33:47,520 --> 00:33:51,320
This is a woman that'll look at you
and say crazy shit like,
613
00:33:51,600 --> 00:33:56,162
"Don't act like I'm fucking crazy, nigga."
614
00:33:56,440 --> 00:33:59,808
You ever see a girl say shit like that?
She look crazy as shit while she say it.
615
00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:03,322
"Don't act like I'm fucking crazy."
616
00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:05,040
Let me tell you something.
617
00:34:05,080 --> 00:34:07,128
Any bitch that do this shit right here...
618
00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:10,807
is a goddamn psychopath, you hear me?
619
00:34:10,880 --> 00:34:14,009
Any bitch that argue with you to the side,
620
00:34:14,120 --> 00:34:20,002
"Oh, you got a bitch
fucked up, you hear me?
621
00:34:20,080 --> 00:34:23,402
"You got me fucked up.
You got me fucked up.
622
00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:26,723
"You got me fucked up, nigga."
623
00:34:27,680 --> 00:34:30,081
That's a different level of woman.
She's fucking crazy.
624
00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:33,562
This woman is so crazy
that when she thinks,
625
00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:35,483
when she thinks that
she's caught you cheating,
626
00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:39,361
before she talks to you, she's gotta
have a conversation with herself.
627
00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:41,363
She's gotta talk to herself.
628
00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:47,202
Here's my impression
of a crazy woman talking to their self.
629
00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:50,730
"Oh, yeah.
630
00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:55,362
"Oh, we got his ass now.
We got his ass now.
631
00:34:55,640 --> 00:34:59,247
"You ready, bitch?" "Bitch, I'm ready."
632
00:34:59,920 --> 00:35:01,604
Ain't nobody there, it's just her.
633
00:35:01,680 --> 00:35:04,843
Now, she's so crazy
that she can't even stick to the plan.
634
00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:06,604
The plan is to see you.
635
00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:09,490
When she sees you, she's supposed to
show you whatever she found.
636
00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:12,524
You're supposed to talk about it, figure
out the next steps in your relationship.
637
00:35:12,600 --> 00:35:13,647
But she's crazy.
638
00:35:13,720 --> 00:35:16,929
There's so much bottled up emotion
and built-up tension inside.
639
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:20,447
As soon as she sees your face, she snaps.
She fucking loses it.
640
00:35:20,520 --> 00:35:21,881
Soon as you walk through the door,
641
00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:27,370
"Shut the fuck up! Shut up! Don't say shit!
You're a piece of shit!
642
00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:30,370
"Oh, my God, no."
643
00:35:33,520 --> 00:35:37,286
Hey, have you ever seen a woman
go from frantic to calm?
644
00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:38,725
Like, real fast?
645
00:35:38,760 --> 00:35:40,410
"Motherfucker, you're a piece of shit!
646
00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:42,448
"I can't believe you're hurting me!
647
00:35:42,960 --> 00:35:48,091
"But it's gonna be the last time
that you do some shit like this to me.
648
00:35:48,160 --> 00:35:53,246
"I don't give a fuck about it!
I don't give a fuck!
649
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:55,089
"Let me tell you something, nigga.
650
00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:56,571
"You're gonna get your shit together,
651
00:35:56,600 --> 00:35:58,602
"or you're gonna get out!"
652
00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:01,241
She's a fucking psychopath, man.
653
00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:05,247
Crazy women always
wanna tell you what you did.
654
00:36:05,320 --> 00:36:07,129
They always wanna run down the story.
655
00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:12,570
"Let me tell you why you fucked up.
656
00:36:12,640 --> 00:36:16,247
"Last night, you come in here, you're a
little drunk, you're a little tipsy.
657
00:36:16,280 --> 00:36:17,841
"You start to go to sleep on the couch.
658
00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:20,565
"You take your pants off,
you put your pants on the floor.
659
00:36:20,640 --> 00:36:25,441
"Something told me, something told me,
660
00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:28,730
"something was like,
Girl, go through his pants.
661
00:36:28,960 --> 00:36:31,406
"I was like, 'All right."
662
00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:32,886
That's the crazy girl face.
663
00:36:33,000 --> 00:36:34,286
"All right."
664
00:36:34,320 --> 00:36:38,006
"So, I get up, I go through your pants,
I found a receipt.
665
00:36:38,080 --> 00:36:40,811
"You had a receipt
in your pants for some gas.
666
00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:43,810
"But it wasn't any old kind of gas,
it was regular gas.
667
00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:49,284
"That's funny, I'm with you all the time.
I've never seen you use regular gas."
668
00:36:49,360 --> 00:36:50,566
Ladies, let me ask you a question.
669
00:36:50,640 --> 00:36:53,291
Why is it that whenever you're arguing
with your man and you repeat yourself,
670
00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:56,648
the second time you say it, you get
loud as shit as if you solved the case?
671
00:36:56,680 --> 00:37:01,527
"That's funny,
I've never seen you use regular gas.
672
00:37:01,840 --> 00:37:06,243
"I've never seen you
use regular gas!
673
00:37:06,600 --> 00:37:08,967
"You know who put
the regular gas in the car?
674
00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:11,207
"That regular bitch that you was with.
675
00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:14,523
"That's who put the regular gas in the car.
676
00:37:14,600 --> 00:37:18,525
"Shut your ass up! Shut up! You're caught.
You're a piece of shit!
677
00:37:18,600 --> 00:37:20,648
"Look at you!
You got glitter all on your face.
678
00:37:20,720 --> 00:37:22,006
"Mismatched socks!"
679
00:37:22,040 --> 00:37:24,486
Now, ladies,
let me explain something to you.
680
00:37:24,520 --> 00:37:29,890
99% of the time, you're right.
681
00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:33,243
That 1% when you're wrong,
that's the day that men live for.
682
00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:36,608
We live for the day
that we can make you look dumb as shit.
683
00:37:36,680 --> 00:37:38,728
That's our goal as men.
684
00:37:38,960 --> 00:37:42,123
I'mma tell you three words that you never
wanna hear come out of your man's mouth.
685
00:37:42,200 --> 00:37:44,009
If your man ever hit you
with these words, shut up.
686
00:37:44,080 --> 00:37:46,208
Don't say shit,
he's about to make you look stupid.
687
00:37:46,280 --> 00:37:47,884
If you're going off, you're snapping,
688
00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:50,281
"Shut the fuck up.
You're a piece of shit. I hate you."
689
00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:55,007
If he hit you with this right here,
690
00:37:56,280 --> 00:38:00,410
"Are you done? Are you done?"
691
00:38:01,640 --> 00:38:04,644
He get cocky. "Are you done?
692
00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:07,407
"Are you done? Okay. Okay.
693
00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:11,530
"I'm about to shit on this bitch right now.
694
00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:14,849
"Are you done?
You're done, right? You're done, right?
695
00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:18,243
"Are you done? Are you done? Okay, okay.
696
00:38:18,320 --> 00:38:22,325
"I'm laughing, I'm laughing because
you don't even know what happened.
697
00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:24,528
"See, last night, you
was the one at the club
698
00:38:24,600 --> 00:38:27,285
"that started to drink
a whole bottle of Patron by yourself.
699
00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:29,169
"You're the one that
passed out in the club.
700
00:38:29,240 --> 00:38:32,449
"I'm the one that picked you up, carried
you out of the club, put you in the car.
701
00:38:32,520 --> 00:38:35,569
"We got in the car, we started driving
home, I realized I lost my wallet.
702
00:38:35,640 --> 00:38:38,564
"I said, 'Damn, babe, we need gas.
I don't have my wallet.
703
00:38:38,640 --> 00:38:39,766
"'You got any money on you?
704
00:38:39,840 --> 00:38:43,606
"You said, in a very drunk voice,
I got three dollars.
705
00:38:43,680 --> 00:38:47,651
"I said, 'What the fuck
are we supposed to do with three dollars?
706
00:38:47,760 --> 00:38:53,324
"You said, 'We gonna put some regular gas
up in this motherfucker.
707
00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:56,404
"I said, 'Fine.
We put the regular gas in the car,
708
00:38:56,440 --> 00:38:59,161
"I drive home fast, 'cause
I didn't wanna run out of the regular gas.
709
00:38:59,200 --> 00:39:02,522
"When we got home, you felt sick
because of the way I was driving.
710
00:39:02,600 --> 00:39:04,682
"You fucking went upstairs,
you start throwing up.
711
00:39:04,760 --> 00:39:07,604
"I got naked, I got into bed.
I kept my socks on, though.
712
00:39:07,680 --> 00:39:11,207
"First of all, you know I sleep with
my socks on because I got ugly feet.
713
00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:13,841
"I'm insecure about my feet.
714
00:39:13,920 --> 00:39:17,129
"My fear is, if I don't sleep with
socks on, we're gonna get robbed.
715
00:39:17,200 --> 00:39:19,965
"And whoever has the gun is gonna
look at my feet and they're gonna be like,
716
00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:22,651
"'Oh, shit. Ew!' Barn!
717
00:39:22,720 --> 00:39:24,449
"Shoot me in the fucking foot.
718
00:39:24,520 --> 00:39:26,887
"I'm gonna have another
ugly-ass goddamn foot.
719
00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:28,530
"So you start calling me.
720
00:39:28,600 --> 00:39:31,570
"You's like,
'Kev, come help me. I'm throwing up.
721
00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:34,331
"I come running to the bathroom,
you got throw-up all over the floor.
722
00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:38,007
"I stepped in it, ew,
took my sock off, I put your sock on.
723
00:39:38,080 --> 00:39:40,287
"That's why my sock got a ball
on the back of it.
724
00:39:40,320 --> 00:39:42,288
"Picked you up, put you on my shoulder.
725
00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:43,890
"The reason why I got glitter on my face,
726
00:39:43,960 --> 00:39:46,725
"it's because you use
that cheap-ass glitter lotion on your ass.
727
00:39:46,800 --> 00:39:48,000
"So when I held you like this,
728
00:39:48,040 --> 00:39:50,361
"your ass was rubbing against
the side of my goddamn face.
729
00:39:50,440 --> 00:39:52,124
"Ran in the room, I threw you in the bed.
730
00:39:52,240 --> 00:39:54,402
"I didn't get into bed,
'cause you smelled like throw-up.
731
00:39:54,480 --> 00:39:56,562
"I'm not getting in the bed
with nobody that smells like throw-up.
732
00:39:56,640 --> 00:39:59,450
"You know why I'm not getting in the bed
with nobody who smells like throw-up?
733
00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:01,369
"'Cause it's gonna make me
fucking throw up!
734
00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:04,649
"So I went downstairs,
I slept on the couch.
735
00:40:04,720 --> 00:40:07,041
"With that being said,
don't say shit else to me.
736
00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:09,088
"You're wrong! I'm out!"
737
00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:11,811
This face that women make is priceless.
738
00:40:13,560 --> 00:40:17,167
"It's not even like that.
Listen, come here, it's not even...
739
00:40:17,200 --> 00:40:18,565
"I don't even wanna debate...
740
00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:20,608
"Listen, come here, let me suck your dick.
741
00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:22,560
"I wanna suck your dick.
742
00:40:22,680 --> 00:40:26,162
"Let me suck your dick while the
football game is on, for the whole game.
743
00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:28,521
"I'm gonna suck your dick
for the whole game."
744
00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:32,007
Men are so stupid,
we'd be in the middle of storming out.
745
00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:34,560
"For the whole game?
You would do it for the whole game?
746
00:40:35,960 --> 00:40:39,089
"For half-time and everything?
You're gonna suck it for the whole game?
747
00:40:39,160 --> 00:40:41,049
"Deal. You got a goddamn deal.
748
00:40:41,080 --> 00:40:45,005
"Well, you better get to sucking right now,
'cause it's a long game."
749
00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:50,526
Now, here's my advice to you, fellas.
750
00:40:50,560 --> 00:40:55,088
If your woman is going through
that insecure period
751
00:40:55,160 --> 00:40:57,527
where she's questioning you,
she's going through your shit,
752
00:40:57,640 --> 00:40:58,880
my advice is, stop her.
753
00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:01,042
"Babe, stop, whatever you're looking for,
don't look anymore.
754
00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:03,361
"You're right, I'm wrong.
I need to do better."
755
00:41:03,400 --> 00:41:04,731
The reason I say do that is because
756
00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:09,124
you don't wanna see your woman
go through that crazy point of no return.
757
00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:11,009
See, I've seen a woman get here.
It's unattractive.
758
00:41:11,080 --> 00:41:12,206
The reason why it's unattractive
759
00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:14,448
is 'cause when a woman
reaches a certain level of crazy,
760
00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:17,364
she doesn't know that she's being crazy.
761
00:41:17,680 --> 00:41:19,569
Everybody else knows.
Everybody else sees it.
762
00:41:19,640 --> 00:41:22,246
"Hey, that bitch in the corner
with the diaper on her face
763
00:41:22,320 --> 00:41:23,481
"is fucking crazy, yo.
764
00:41:23,560 --> 00:41:25,324
"She's fucking crazy. She's a psychopath."
765
00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:27,084
Everybody else knows except her.
766
00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:30,966
Here's the thing, I was in that situation.
I saw a woman get crazy.
767
00:41:31,040 --> 00:41:33,407
Let me tell you how I knew
this one chick went wild, okay?
768
00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:35,761
We're in the house one day,
arguing, all fucking day.
769
00:41:35,800 --> 00:41:37,086
Gets to the point where I'm like,
"You know what,
770
00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:39,407
"I can't argue with you no more.
My head hurts. I'm done.
771
00:41:39,440 --> 00:41:40,965
"I'm getting in the shower.
I'm getting dressed.
772
00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:42,087
"I'm going to the store."
773
00:41:42,160 --> 00:41:43,889
True story, people.
Exactly what I do.
774
00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:46,764
Get in the shower, get dressed,
get in my car, start driving to the store.
775
00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:49,081
On the way to the store,
I hit a speed bump.
776
00:41:49,160 --> 00:41:51,600
When I hit the speed bump,
I hear a lot of noise in the trunk.
777
00:41:51,880 --> 00:41:54,531
Boom! Ba-dum-doo! Boom!
778
00:41:55,320 --> 00:41:57,527
"That's weird, I ain't
put shit in the trunk.
779
00:41:57,600 --> 00:42:00,285
"What the fuck is all that noise
in the goddamn trunk?"
780
00:42:00,320 --> 00:42:02,971
I'm small. I get scared fast.
781
00:42:03,080 --> 00:42:06,971
So I get out of the car, I pop the trunk,
this is some true shit.
782
00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:08,445
I pop the trunk. When I pop the trunk,
783
00:42:08,520 --> 00:42:12,445
this bitch was stooped down
in the trunk like this, looking at me.
784
00:42:12,520 --> 00:42:15,444
I see her in the goddamn trunk.
785
00:42:15,520 --> 00:42:19,286
I see her see me see her
in the goddamn trunk.
786
00:42:19,360 --> 00:42:21,966
"I just caught you in the trunk of my car.
787
00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:26,210
"You gotta say something
to justify what the fuck I'm looking at.
788
00:42:26,280 --> 00:42:28,647
"What the fuck are you doing
in the goddamn trunk?"
789
00:42:28,720 --> 00:42:32,008
With a straight face,
she looks at me, jumps out of the trunk,
790
00:42:32,080 --> 00:42:34,367
rolls her eyes and takes off,
as if I never saw her.
791
00:42:37,040 --> 00:42:38,565
Now, let me tell you why I had an attitude.
792
00:42:38,640 --> 00:42:41,246
I had an attitude because we live together.
793
00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:44,403
Like, "I'm gonna see you tonight.
794
00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:47,808
"We have to address this
at some point in time."
795
00:42:47,880 --> 00:42:50,804
I said, "No, fuck that.
We're gonna talk about this right now."
796
00:42:50,840 --> 00:42:53,923
I get in the car, I drive home.
Here's where it gets crazier.
797
00:42:54,000 --> 00:42:57,368
When I get home,
she in the kitchen cooking, right?
798
00:42:57,440 --> 00:43:00,330
I walk in the house, she said,
"Hey, babe, you hungry?"
799
00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:01,521
"Bitch, what the...
800
00:43:03,120 --> 00:43:04,645
"Oh!
801
00:43:05,720 --> 00:43:07,245
"I don't wanna talk about no goddamn food.
802
00:43:07,320 --> 00:43:09,004
"I wanna talk about why I popped the trunk
803
00:43:09,040 --> 00:43:12,328
"and you popped out of the goddamn trunk
like a goddamn Jack-in-the-box.
804
00:43:12,400 --> 00:43:15,051
"The fuck were you doing
in the goddamn trunk?"
805
00:43:15,120 --> 00:43:19,523
With a straight face, she looked at me,
she said, "I wasn't in no goddamn trunk."
806
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:25,761
"Bitch, I saw you see me see you
in the goddamn trunk."
807
00:43:25,840 --> 00:43:27,763
"You ain't see me in no goddamn trunk.
808
00:43:27,840 --> 00:43:30,286
"You must have saw one of them other
bitches you've been fucking with,
809
00:43:30,360 --> 00:43:32,931
"goddamn trunk, nigga!"
810
00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:38,045
It messed me up so bad, I started thinking.
I was like...
811
00:43:41,440 --> 00:43:44,489
"Did I have another bitch in the trunk?
I might have...
812
00:43:44,600 --> 00:43:46,887
"Oh, no, I might have put
another bitch in the trunk
813
00:43:46,960 --> 00:43:49,247
"and forgot she was in the trunk."
814
00:43:51,320 --> 00:43:53,288
These are real-life situations.
815
00:43:53,400 --> 00:43:56,563
And after something like that happens,
every man's reaction is the same.
816
00:43:56,640 --> 00:43:59,041
We all say the same shit,
we all do the same shit.
817
00:43:59,120 --> 00:44:00,485
"I ain't getting with no crazy-ass woman.
818
00:44:00,560 --> 00:44:02,449
"Ain't no way in hell
I'm getting with a crazy-ass woman.
819
00:44:02,520 --> 00:44:03,641
"I'd rather be with myself."
820
00:44:03,680 --> 00:44:05,887
That's what you do, you
live the single life.
821
00:44:05,920 --> 00:44:07,729
Single life is amazing at first.
822
00:44:07,800 --> 00:44:10,121
Reason why it's amazing is because
every night, you're with your boys,
823
00:44:10,200 --> 00:44:12,601
you're drinking, you're meeting women,
having a good time.
824
00:44:12,680 --> 00:44:16,002
Reality doesn't hit you about
how bad the single life is
825
00:44:16,080 --> 00:44:18,321
until you call your friends to go out,
and on that night,
826
00:44:18,360 --> 00:44:20,840
none of your friends are available,
'cause they're out with their women.
827
00:44:20,920 --> 00:44:22,285
That's when reality hits you.
828
00:44:22,360 --> 00:44:24,249
"Yo, what up, boy?
What you want to do tonight?"
829
00:44:24,280 --> 00:44:25,566
"Oh, man, I ain't doing nothing.
830
00:44:25,680 --> 00:44:28,763
"It's cupcake Tuesdays.
"Me and my lady, we're making cupcakes.
831
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:31,040
"Red velvet.
I get to lick the bowl and everything."
832
00:44:31,080 --> 00:44:33,606
"'Lick the bowl'?
Man, get the fuck off my phone."
833
00:44:33,680 --> 00:44:36,286
"Hey, don't be mad at me
'cause you ain't got no bowl to lick."
834
00:44:36,400 --> 00:44:37,925
"What?"
835
00:44:38,000 --> 00:44:39,684
Then you start to rethink
your whole decision.
836
00:44:39,760 --> 00:44:42,604
"Damn. Did I have a good woman?
837
00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:45,524
"Shit, man. I might have had a good woman.
838
00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:47,443
"You know what,
I need to get my lady back."
839
00:44:47,520 --> 00:44:50,285
Thing is, you can't go back the way you left.
You gotta reinvent yourself.
840
00:44:50,360 --> 00:44:53,728
You gotta make it look like you're
making an effort to get your woman back.
841
00:44:53,760 --> 00:44:55,649
Here's how dumb I am. This is what I do.
842
00:44:55,720 --> 00:44:56,767
I come back.
843
00:44:56,800 --> 00:44:58,768
"Babe, I got an idea. It's gonna be great.
844
00:44:58,840 --> 00:45:00,808
"It's gonna put the spark back
in our relationship.
845
00:45:00,840 --> 00:45:02,205
"It's gonna make us fall in love, okay?
846
00:45:02,280 --> 00:45:04,720
"We've never done it.
Let's do it for the first time together.
847
00:45:04,760 --> 00:45:06,728
"We should both take ecstasy one time.
848
00:45:06,800 --> 00:45:09,007
"We should pop the pill.
Hear me out. Hear me out.
849
00:45:09,080 --> 00:45:10,684
"It's an emotional drug, okay?
850
00:45:10,760 --> 00:45:11,807
"It's gonna make us talk.
851
00:45:11,840 --> 00:45:13,490
"We're gonna have sex.
It's gonna be the best."
852
00:45:13,520 --> 00:45:15,284
She said, "Fine, let's do it."
853
00:45:15,560 --> 00:45:19,167
She takes the pill.
Her pill gives her all the right reactions.
854
00:45:19,480 --> 00:45:22,484
I take the pill. My pill...
855
00:45:22,560 --> 00:45:24,050
Okay. MY...
856
00:45:24,840 --> 00:45:27,650
My pill made me believe
that I was a drug dealer.
857
00:45:27,680 --> 00:45:29,521
This is some real shit.
858
00:45:30,080 --> 00:45:32,401
I wish I was making this shit up.
I can't make this up, people.
859
00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:34,369
I don't know where it came from. I snapped.
860
00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:35,680
We were talking. She was like,
861
00:45:35,760 --> 00:45:38,491
"Babe, I just wanna be happy.
I want the disrespect to stop."
862
00:45:38,560 --> 00:45:40,881
"Let me tell you something,
you're worried about fucking disrespect?
863
00:45:40,960 --> 00:45:42,371
"That's what you're worried about? Hmm?
864
00:45:42,440 --> 00:45:43,566
"What you need to be worried about
865
00:45:43,640 --> 00:45:46,564
"is how I'm gonna deliver
this kilo of cocaine to fucking Pablo."
866
00:45:46,680 --> 00:45:48,808
She was like, "What?
What're you talking about?"
867
00:45:48,840 --> 00:45:50,285
"Girl, what the hell
do you think I'm talking about?
868
00:45:50,320 --> 00:45:54,006
"Where you think all this money come from?
Jokes? Is that what you think? Huh?
869
00:45:55,000 --> 00:45:58,163
"You think I'm out here
making funny money? Is that it?
870
00:45:58,520 --> 00:45:59,521
"Huh?
871
00:45:59,840 --> 00:46:00,921
"Bitch, I'm in the game.
872
00:46:01,000 --> 00:46:03,162
"I'm out here in the fucking streets. Okay?
873
00:46:03,280 --> 00:46:07,126
"I gotta cook it, cut it, bake it, boop!
Fly that shit."
874
00:46:07,200 --> 00:46:09,771
She was like,
"Oh, my God, what about the kids?"
875
00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:11,126
"Fuck them kids, bitch.
876
00:46:11,200 --> 00:46:14,249
"I'm out here riding around
and getting it, bird gang.
877
00:46:16,040 --> 00:46:17,690
"You don't even know my life, bitch."
878
00:46:17,720 --> 00:46:19,882
Listen, let me tell you
how messed up I was.
879
00:46:19,960 --> 00:46:22,691
I was ass naked,
walking around the house like this.
880
00:46:22,840 --> 00:46:25,002
In my mind, this was a gun.
881
00:46:25,040 --> 00:46:28,886
I really believed that my hand was a gun.
882
00:46:28,960 --> 00:46:31,122
I was making threats. I said,
"Let me tell you something.
883
00:46:31,200 --> 00:46:35,046
"If anybody on the block
try to touch my product,
884
00:46:35,120 --> 00:46:37,566
"chitty, chitty, bang, bang,
niggas gonna die."
885
00:46:38,720 --> 00:46:41,803
She was like, "Calm down, calm down."
886
00:46:41,880 --> 00:46:43,609
This was how I knew
she was fucked up.
887
00:46:43,680 --> 00:46:46,763
This was how I knew she was fucked up.
'Cause I turn around like this, right?
888
00:46:46,840 --> 00:46:49,081
She was like, "Don't shoot me."
889
00:46:50,520 --> 00:46:51,851
"Ain't nobody gonna shoot you.
890
00:46:51,880 --> 00:46:54,201
"I got the safety on.
You need to fucking chill out."
891
00:46:55,880 --> 00:46:58,531
Y'all are laughing?
I'm being serious. I was messed up.
892
00:46:58,560 --> 00:47:00,130
I tried to fuck a beanbag that night.
893
00:47:00,520 --> 00:47:02,921
I was ass naked on the beanbag
894
00:47:03,000 --> 00:47:05,241
for two hours, doing this shit by myself.
895
00:47:10,080 --> 00:47:13,721
I was sweating, but I didn't know it was me.
I thought it was the beanbag.
896
00:47:13,760 --> 00:47:17,082
I was like, "Oh, this
beanbag's wet as shit.
897
00:47:17,760 --> 00:47:21,162
"This beanbag's
about to get this long dick.
898
00:47:21,240 --> 00:47:23,163
"That's what you're gonna get, beanbag.
899
00:47:23,240 --> 00:47:26,164
"You're gonna learn today, beanbag.
You hear me?
900
00:47:26,280 --> 00:47:28,442
"You will learn today."
901
00:47:29,720 --> 00:47:31,848
That's an old chapter of my life, people.
902
00:47:31,920 --> 00:47:33,729
Right now, I'm in a new chapter.
903
00:47:33,760 --> 00:47:36,206
In this chapter, reality has hit.
904
00:47:36,280 --> 00:47:38,886
Reality is, I'm single. Fucking dating.
905
00:47:38,920 --> 00:47:40,206
I can do what I want now.
906
00:47:40,280 --> 00:47:42,886
Now, here's the scary thing
about dating for me.
907
00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:44,041
I believe in karma.
908
00:47:44,120 --> 00:47:47,010
Whatever you do in life is gonna come
full circle at some point in time.
909
00:47:47,080 --> 00:47:48,411
I know it is, okay?
910
00:47:48,440 --> 00:47:51,330
My fear is, I'm gonna fuck around
and fall in love, and I'm gonna get hurt.
911
00:47:51,400 --> 00:47:54,927
When I think about getting hurt, I think
about the ultimate level of getting hurt.
912
00:47:54,960 --> 00:47:57,964
Like, I'm gonna try to surprise my lady
on her lunch break.
913
00:47:58,040 --> 00:48:01,965
She would be in the car giving some
dude head, I'm fucking around to see it.
914
00:48:02,240 --> 00:48:03,605
Now, I know I'm not strong
enough to deal with that.
915
00:48:03,640 --> 00:48:04,971
I'm too emotional. I break down.
916
00:48:05,040 --> 00:48:08,647
Hmm. "No, no, no,
no, no, no, no. No.
917
00:48:08,720 --> 00:48:12,247
"Pick your head up.
Don't finish. Don't finish it.
918
00:48:12,960 --> 00:48:15,247
"Jesus, take the wheel, please."
919
00:48:16,480 --> 00:48:19,689
I know I can't deal with it.
Some men are. Some men can.
920
00:48:19,760 --> 00:48:22,280
Some men are strong enough
to catch their woman in a sexual act,
921
00:48:22,320 --> 00:48:23,481
like giving another man head,
922
00:48:23,560 --> 00:48:27,042
to the point where they can go up to the
car, open the car door and say one sentence.
923
00:48:27,120 --> 00:48:29,964
In that sentence, they'll let a woman know
how much he loved her,
924
00:48:30,000 --> 00:48:33,322
how bad she hurt him and where he is
mentally, and he can walk off.
925
00:48:33,400 --> 00:48:34,765
Some men can pull it off.
926
00:48:35,480 --> 00:48:38,006
"You know what,
I loved you the best that I could.
927
00:48:38,080 --> 00:48:39,206
"What I could do, I did.
928
00:48:39,280 --> 00:48:42,489
"What I didn't do, I tried. Fuck it."
929
00:48:42,520 --> 00:48:44,284
He'll walk Off. She'll feel bad.
930
00:48:44,320 --> 00:48:45,526
"Why am I doing this?
931
00:48:45,600 --> 00:48:47,201
"I don't wanna do it no more."
932
00:48:48,840 --> 00:48:51,684
Did you get it? That was the dick.
Did you guys get it?
933
00:48:51,760 --> 00:48:54,047
This was the dick.
Did you get it, you got it? All right.
934
00:48:56,520 --> 00:48:57,931
Some men are different.
935
00:48:58,000 --> 00:49:00,526
Some men are killers.
Some men are thugs all the time.
936
00:49:00,600 --> 00:49:02,443
"No, fuck that! Fuck that!
937
00:49:02,520 --> 00:49:04,761
"If I see my girl in the car
giving some dude head,
938
00:49:04,840 --> 00:49:07,889
"I'm gonna go up to the car, I'm gonna
grab him, drag him out of the car,
939
00:49:07,960 --> 00:49:09,041
"I'm gonna beat the shit out of the dude."
940
00:49:09,120 --> 00:49:10,565
That's how some men feel.
941
00:49:10,640 --> 00:49:13,041
Would you do that, man?
Chainz, would you fuck him up?
942
00:49:13,600 --> 00:49:15,523
You'd whoop his ass?
943
00:49:15,600 --> 00:49:17,967
You're gonna fight the guy
with his dick out?
944
00:49:19,680 --> 00:49:21,205
His dick is out. This
guy's got the hard dick.
945
00:49:21,280 --> 00:49:23,521
That's the wrong answer, Chainz.
I don't like that answer.
946
00:49:23,560 --> 00:49:24,641
I don't think you thought about it.
947
00:49:24,720 --> 00:49:26,245
Should've thought it through.
His fucking dick is out.
948
00:49:26,320 --> 00:49:28,641
I can't fight a dude with a hard dick.
It's not gonna happen.
949
00:49:28,720 --> 00:49:29,881
The reason why is 'cause I'm small.
950
00:49:29,960 --> 00:49:33,487
When I fight, I gotta get low.
I gotta get your legs.
951
00:49:33,560 --> 00:49:37,042
If your dick is out, at some point in time,
that's gonna cause a problem for me.
952
00:49:37,160 --> 00:49:38,400
At some point in time.
953
00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:41,324
"Yo, you got my girl out here
in a fucking car?
954
00:49:41,400 --> 00:49:42,890
"Hmm? Huh? Nigga?"
955
00:49:55,080 --> 00:49:59,085
Yo, you're gonna
lose your fucking mind
956
00:49:59,160 --> 00:50:02,926
if a man's dick hit your head in front of
a group of people watching the fight.
957
00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:05,048
You're gonna do some shit
you never thought you would do.
958
00:50:05,080 --> 00:50:06,560
You're gonna fuck around and grab it.
959
00:50:13,600 --> 00:50:15,887
You're gonna say some shit
you never thought you would say,
960
00:50:15,920 --> 00:50:18,764
"I'm gonna rip it off!
961
00:50:18,840 --> 00:50:21,525
"This dick is coming with me!
962
00:50:21,600 --> 00:50:24,809
"This is my dick! I got two dicks now!"
963
00:50:28,200 --> 00:50:32,205
Yo, if you grab a dude's dick in a fight,
you gotta kill yourself that night.
964
00:50:32,280 --> 00:50:35,523
You have to die that night.
You can't go on living.
965
00:50:35,600 --> 00:50:36,965
'Cause for the rest of your life,
966
00:50:37,040 --> 00:50:40,726
you're gonna be known as the dude who
grabbed the dude's dick that day in a fight.
967
00:50:40,800 --> 00:50:43,371
"There goes the dude who grabbed
that dude's dick that day in a fight."
968
00:50:43,440 --> 00:50:45,761
"What was I supposed to do?
The dick was on my head."
969
00:50:45,800 --> 00:50:48,883
"Hey, man, get your dick-grabbing
ass out of here, man.
970
00:50:48,960 --> 00:50:51,281
"Nobody trying to talk
to you, dick grabber."
971
00:50:54,240 --> 00:50:56,686
Look, I had a thought
the other day that scared me.
972
00:50:56,760 --> 00:51:00,890
I thought about the fact that my kids
are eventually gonna have a stepdad.
973
00:51:00,960 --> 00:51:02,803
That's kind of scary to me.
I'm gonna tell you why.
974
00:51:02,840 --> 00:51:07,801
I start thinking to myself like, "What if
I can't physically beat the stepdad?"
975
00:51:08,000 --> 00:51:09,206
'Cause I know I'm not gonna like the guy.
976
00:51:09,280 --> 00:51:11,169
Small problems
are gonna become big problems.
977
00:51:11,200 --> 00:51:12,770
So in my mind, shit will happen.
978
00:51:12,880 --> 00:51:15,645
Like, one day I call the house
and in the background, I hear,
979
00:51:15,720 --> 00:51:18,246
"I said, 'Put the dishes in the sink."'
980
00:51:18,320 --> 00:51:23,770
But in my mind, what I heard was, "You
and your dad can suck my dick in the sink."
981
00:51:29,480 --> 00:51:32,051
I gotta fight. I gotta fucking fight now.
982
00:51:32,120 --> 00:51:33,167
Because I've thought about it.
983
00:51:33,240 --> 00:51:35,163
I wanna be prepared for this day,
if it ever happens.
984
00:51:35,240 --> 00:51:37,322
So right now,
I'm currently taking self-defense class.
985
00:51:37,360 --> 00:51:39,124
All right, this is no bullshit.
This is not a joke.
986
00:51:39,160 --> 00:51:41,083
It's the wrong time to mess with me.
I know a lot of shit.
987
00:51:41,200 --> 00:51:44,761
My teacher just taught me
how to take a gun out of somebody's hand.
988
00:51:44,840 --> 00:51:46,490
Like, if somebody
points a gun at me like this,
989
00:51:46,520 --> 00:51:50,844
I'm trained to grab your wrist, bend it,
take the gun, point it right back at you.
990
00:51:51,280 --> 00:51:53,009
No bullshit.
I do it all the time in class.
991
00:51:53,040 --> 00:51:55,042
I'm the best.
992
00:51:55,120 --> 00:51:57,761
It's at a point where I had a conversation
with my friends, I said,
993
00:51:57,840 --> 00:52:01,526
"Look, dude, if we out and somebody
pulls a gun out, let me handle it, okay?
994
00:52:01,600 --> 00:52:05,047
"I'm the only one here
that's trained for this type of combat."
995
00:52:05,360 --> 00:52:08,011
He was like, "You sure?"
I said, "Trust me, I'm sure."
996
00:52:08,040 --> 00:52:09,121
Here's how funny life is.
997
00:52:09,200 --> 00:52:11,771
We're walking out of the club, right?
I'm a little tipsy.
998
00:52:11,840 --> 00:52:14,241
I get to the car,
this guy comes from behind the car.
999
00:52:14,320 --> 00:52:16,004
He'd ducked down, he had a gun.
1000
00:52:16,040 --> 00:52:20,011
He was like, "Everybody get naked.
Run that shit, bitch. Get naked. Run it."
1001
00:52:20,040 --> 00:52:22,441
All my friends got scared
and started getting naked.
1002
00:52:22,520 --> 00:52:25,046
I was calm.
I'm standing there, I'm looking at him.
1003
00:52:25,160 --> 00:52:28,721
I'm even laughing a little bit,
'cause in my mind, I'm like,
1004
00:52:28,800 --> 00:52:34,011
"You don't even know
what I'm trained to do."
1005
00:52:34,080 --> 00:52:35,889
Right? That's what I'm thinking, right?
1006
00:52:35,920 --> 00:52:37,001
So he got mad, he says,
1007
00:52:37,080 --> 00:52:40,971
"You think it's a game, little nigga?
Run that shit, bitch. Get naked. Run it."
1008
00:52:41,040 --> 00:52:43,805
And it scared me, because my teacher
1009
00:52:43,880 --> 00:52:48,602
only taught me to take guns
from people holding it like this.
1010
00:52:48,680 --> 00:52:51,445
He had it like this. I've never seen that.
1011
00:52:51,560 --> 00:52:53,688
We never worked on that in class.
1012
00:52:53,760 --> 00:52:55,762
So I didn't know what to do.
So I got naked.
1013
00:52:55,840 --> 00:52:58,446
I did exactly what he said. I got naked.
1014
00:52:58,520 --> 00:52:59,646
My friends were like, "Do something."
1015
00:52:59,720 --> 00:53:03,964
I was like, "I can't. He's a killer.
He's the real deal. This guy's the real deal."
1016
00:53:04,040 --> 00:53:06,042
I got security after that.
1017
00:53:06,560 --> 00:53:08,608
Actually, that's a lie. That's a lie.
I didn't get security after that.
1018
00:53:08,680 --> 00:53:11,684
I tried to hire my friend,
Wayne, as my security guard.
1019
00:53:11,760 --> 00:53:14,127
Reason why is because
Wayne was big as shit.
1020
00:53:14,160 --> 00:53:16,242
So I was like, "Why would
I fucking pay somebody else
1021
00:53:16,280 --> 00:53:17,520
"when I can give you that extra money?
1022
00:53:17,600 --> 00:53:21,286
"You ain't got to fight nobody, just look
like you would if something were to happen."
1023
00:53:21,360 --> 00:53:22,441
He's like, "All right, I'll do it."
1024
00:53:22,520 --> 00:53:25,603
I said, "Done. You're hired.
You're my security guard."
1025
00:53:25,720 --> 00:53:29,042
Um... Here's why Wayne got fired.
Let me tell you why.
1026
00:53:29,120 --> 00:53:32,647
We were at a club, right? This guy
pulls out a gun, shoots it in the air.
1027
00:53:32,720 --> 00:53:35,451
Bop! "Fuck all these
bitches!" I got scared.
1028
00:53:35,480 --> 00:53:37,289
"Wayne, what should we do?"
1029
00:53:37,400 --> 00:53:40,882
With a straight face,
Wayne said, "Play dead."
1030
00:53:40,960 --> 00:53:42,962
I said, "What? What'd you say?"
1031
00:53:43,000 --> 00:53:46,083
He wouldn't answer me back
'cause he was in character. He said...
1032
00:53:50,400 --> 00:53:51,640
"Wayne!
1033
00:53:52,760 --> 00:53:56,003
"Wayne! Wayne!"
1034
00:53:56,040 --> 00:53:59,328
He gonna go,
"You better shut up before you get shot."
1035
00:53:59,800 --> 00:54:01,643
What the fuck?
1036
00:54:02,360 --> 00:54:05,011
After that, I hired this guy named Steve.
1037
00:54:05,040 --> 00:54:07,088
Now, Steve was the real deal, people.
Let me tell you why.
1038
00:54:07,160 --> 00:54:09,288
Steve made me feel like a star.
1039
00:54:09,320 --> 00:54:11,482
We went places, Steve moved the crowd.
1040
00:54:11,600 --> 00:54:13,170
"Everybody move! Move!
1041
00:54:13,240 --> 00:54:14,969
"Watch out, Mr. Hart's coming through."
1042
00:54:15,000 --> 00:54:17,890
I never had to look behind me.
Steve always had my back.
1043
00:54:18,080 --> 00:54:21,846
Steve got fired, because we was at a
club one day, I'm at VIP section, right?
1044
00:54:21,920 --> 00:54:24,810
VIP is separated from the dance floor
by a velvet rope.
1045
00:54:24,840 --> 00:54:26,444
I'm standing behind a velvet rope.
1046
00:54:26,520 --> 00:54:28,602
I say, "Steve,
I've got to go to the bathroom."
1047
00:54:28,680 --> 00:54:30,400
The guy operating the velvet rope moves it.
1048
00:54:30,440 --> 00:54:33,842
Me and Steve walk to the bathroom.
I use it, I get done, we come back.
1049
00:54:34,080 --> 00:54:36,003
The guy operating the velvet rope
was talking.
1050
00:54:36,040 --> 00:54:38,850
That's fine, I'm patient.
I'll wait till he's done.
1051
00:54:38,960 --> 00:54:41,361
Steve felt like I shouldn't have to wait.
1052
00:54:41,440 --> 00:54:47,004
Steve decided to pick me up
and place me over the goddamn rope.
1053
00:54:47,040 --> 00:54:48,724
Let me tell you something, people.
1054
00:54:48,760 --> 00:54:53,209
I've never felt more like a
bitch in my life.
1055
00:54:53,360 --> 00:54:56,204
I was like, "Steve, no,
don't do this, please."
1056
00:54:56,280 --> 00:54:57,361
My back leg came up.
1057
00:54:57,400 --> 00:54:58,970
"Look at me.
Look what you're making me do.
1058
00:54:59,040 --> 00:55:01,964
"Stop, Steve.
You're fucking fired, man."
1059
00:55:02,040 --> 00:55:04,964
After that, I hired these two ex-cops
turned security guards.
1060
00:55:05,040 --> 00:55:06,690
Now, these guys were very professional.
1061
00:55:06,720 --> 00:55:08,961
My problem with them
was that they were too professional.
1062
00:55:09,040 --> 00:55:13,204
Like, their level of security was
way too advanced for my level of celebrity.
1063
00:55:13,240 --> 00:55:16,084
Like, I don't know who
they thought I thought I was.
1064
00:55:16,160 --> 00:55:20,006
I don't know where the miscommunication
came, but it was too much.
1065
00:55:20,080 --> 00:55:22,651
Like, we go to Applebee's.
True story.
1066
00:55:22,720 --> 00:55:25,246
Fucking Applebee's, okay?
1067
00:55:25,320 --> 00:55:27,800
There's a empty booth.
I go slide in the booth.
1068
00:55:30,960 --> 00:55:34,043
That's how I slide in the booth.
I love Applebee's.
1069
00:55:34,120 --> 00:55:37,169
Applebee's, Applebee's, Applebee's.
1070
00:55:37,240 --> 00:55:39,049
So I'm in the booth, right?
1071
00:55:39,080 --> 00:55:40,570
I'm sitting next to the window.
1072
00:55:40,600 --> 00:55:42,250
He goes, "Kevin, switch seats with me.
1073
00:55:42,280 --> 00:55:43,725
"I don't want you sitting
next to the window."
1074
00:55:43,760 --> 00:55:44,841
I said, "Why not?"
1075
00:55:44,920 --> 00:55:47,446
He said, "There might be a sniper outside."
1076
00:55:52,920 --> 00:55:55,002
"Looking for who?
1077
00:55:55,120 --> 00:55:58,283
"Ain't no sniper looking
for me at no fucking Applebee's. No.
1078
00:55:58,320 --> 00:56:01,688
"I'm not at the sniper level in my career.
I'm not there yet.
1079
00:56:01,760 --> 00:56:06,209
"Like, you probably gotta worry
about a dude putting his dick on the glass.
1080
00:56:07,160 --> 00:56:10,289
"That's my level.
I'm at the dick-on-the-glass level.
1081
00:56:12,800 --> 00:56:13,926
"That's my level."
1082
00:56:13,960 --> 00:56:17,123
Like, the shit that I'm afraid of,
people don't think about.
1083
00:56:17,160 --> 00:56:18,241
I'm gonna tell you what I'm terrified of.
1084
00:56:18,280 --> 00:56:20,601
Y'all are gonna think I'm crazy,
but I'm gonna tell you anyway.
1085
00:56:20,640 --> 00:56:24,850
Scariest shit in the world to me
are bum hands.
1086
00:56:24,960 --> 00:56:28,601
A bum's hands are the scariest shit ever.
1087
00:56:28,640 --> 00:56:30,051
You could say I'm crazy all you want.
1088
00:56:30,120 --> 00:56:32,043
I'm willing to bet you all
any amount of money right now,
1089
00:56:32,120 --> 00:56:33,963
if y'all walk outside after this show,
1090
00:56:34,040 --> 00:56:39,126
and a bum comes up to you and flicks your
lip, bet money you'd kill yourself tonight.
1091
00:56:39,160 --> 00:56:42,642
Bet whatever you wanna bet
that you'd fucking kill yourself tonight.
1092
00:56:42,840 --> 00:56:46,561
If you walk outside after this show
and a bum comes up to you,
1093
00:56:46,640 --> 00:56:48,085
"Give me a dollar, man." "What?"
1094
00:56:48,160 --> 00:56:49,640
"Man, you better give me a fucking...
1095
00:56:50,240 --> 00:56:52,004
"Give me a fucking dollar, man."
1096
00:56:58,400 --> 00:57:00,129
"What happened, man? He shoot you?"
1097
00:57:00,160 --> 00:57:02,845
"Motherfucker flicked my lip, man."
1098
00:57:03,680 --> 00:57:07,127
Oh, my God! That's the scariest shit ever.
1099
00:57:07,160 --> 00:57:10,289
Like, you gotta get rid of that lip.
You can't keep that lip.
1100
00:57:10,360 --> 00:57:13,762
That lip's gotta go. You gotta buy a new lip.
I don't even know where to get lips.
1101
00:57:15,440 --> 00:57:18,489
What would you do if you got jumped
by three homeless people,
1102
00:57:18,520 --> 00:57:20,329
and they held you down?
1103
00:57:20,360 --> 00:57:21,930
"Get off of me. What is this about?"
1104
00:57:22,040 --> 00:57:25,203
And then the leader come out, and you see
him like this. And he...
1105
00:57:28,200 --> 00:57:31,682
Oh, my God.
You know how dirty his hands are?
1106
00:57:31,720 --> 00:57:34,087
Oh, my fucking God.
1107
00:57:35,600 --> 00:57:39,207
That'll be the quickest bump that you've
ever gotten in your fucking life.
1108
00:57:39,360 --> 00:57:44,366
Pow! Bump! That fucking fast.
You gotta explain it.
1109
00:57:44,720 --> 00:57:46,768
"Hey, man, is that a fucking herpy?"
1110
00:57:47,040 --> 00:57:49,407
"Mmm-mmm. It's a bum bump."
"What?"
1111
00:57:51,360 --> 00:57:53,522
"What the fuck is a bum bump, man?"
1112
00:57:53,840 --> 00:57:59,244
A bum... A bum...
1113
00:58:06,840 --> 00:58:09,081
Hold on, hold on.
1114
00:58:09,120 --> 00:58:11,088
I gotta get it out. I gotta get it out.
1115
00:58:11,160 --> 00:58:13,242
Hold on. Hold on.
1116
00:58:13,320 --> 00:58:16,244
"What the fuck is that, man?"
1117
00:58:16,320 --> 00:58:17,526
"it's a bum bump."
1118
00:58:17,560 --> 00:58:19,722
"How the fuck
you let a bum touch your lip?"
1119
00:58:20,160 --> 00:58:22,001
"I thought he was trying
to tell me a secret."
1120
00:58:22,240 --> 00:58:26,325
"What? What the fuck
was a bum trying to tell you?"
1121
00:58:26,640 --> 00:58:28,688
"He tricked me. He was like, 'Hey, man.'
1122
00:58:28,760 --> 00:58:30,922
"I said, 'Huh?' He got me. That's..."
1123
00:58:35,080 --> 00:58:37,606
Get fire on these bitches one time, man.
1124
00:58:42,840 --> 00:58:45,764
A fucking bum bump. Watch...
1125
00:58:45,840 --> 00:58:48,002
Watch how y'all look at bums
when y'all leave the show.
1126
00:58:48,080 --> 00:58:49,570
Watch...
1127
00:58:51,160 --> 00:58:52,969
Watch how defensive y'all are.
1128
00:58:53,040 --> 00:58:54,804
"Excuse me, man,
can you spare some change?"
1129
00:58:55,120 --> 00:58:56,884
"Nigga, what the...
1130
00:58:58,200 --> 00:59:00,806
"Hey, man, you better get
your ass out of here, nigga.
1131
00:59:00,880 --> 00:59:04,566
"You out here trying to flick lips, cuz?
1132
00:59:04,640 --> 00:59:06,802
"You out here trying to give
a nigga a bum bump, nigga?
1133
00:59:06,840 --> 00:59:08,649
"I know what you're...
1134
00:59:11,320 --> 00:59:13,049
"You ain't gonna give me
no bum bump, nigga.
1135
00:59:13,120 --> 00:59:15,407
"You better get the fuck out of here, man.
1136
00:59:15,480 --> 00:59:16,970
"Knock your ass out, man.
1137
00:59:17,040 --> 00:59:20,249
"I don't want no bum bump.
1138
00:59:20,360 --> 00:59:23,284
"No, he got my nigga like that.
He told him a secret.
1139
00:59:23,320 --> 00:59:27,166
"My nigga leaned in. Mmm.
Fucked his whole shit up.
1140
00:59:27,240 --> 00:59:30,926
"This nigga's shit was all
bum bumpy for, like, two weeks."
1141
00:59:34,320 --> 00:59:36,926
I really believe shit like that can happen.
1142
00:59:37,000 --> 00:59:40,129
I'm a weird thinker, people,
I'm a weird thinker.
1143
00:59:40,840 --> 00:59:42,968
I'm glad that I'm a weird thinker, though.
1144
00:59:43,000 --> 00:59:46,322
Me being a weird thinker
has made me a better man.
1145
00:59:46,360 --> 00:59:48,249
It's made me a better father.
1146
00:59:48,320 --> 00:59:50,527
Let me explain how
it's made me a better father, okay?
1147
00:59:50,600 --> 00:59:52,921
Me thinking about my kids
eventually having a stepdad
1148
00:59:53,000 --> 00:59:54,365
is what made me a better father.
1149
00:59:54,440 --> 00:59:57,649
'Cause now, not only is it important
for me to make sure that I'm around,
1150
00:59:57,680 --> 01:00:00,763
but I need them to understand who I am
and what I represent to their lives.
1151
01:00:00,840 --> 01:00:02,922
Now, 'cause I see them so much,
I notice everything.
1152
01:00:03,000 --> 01:00:06,163
Like, my son is at this imagination stage.
1153
01:00:06,200 --> 01:00:08,931
Like, I thought the shit was a phase.
It's not. It's not going away.
1154
01:00:09,040 --> 01:00:12,203
Like, my son really thinks
that he's Spider-Man.
1155
01:00:12,240 --> 01:00:13,366
On some real shit.
1156
01:00:13,400 --> 01:00:15,243
And when he gets mad, he webs me.
1157
01:00:17,080 --> 01:00:20,368
Now, because I'm Dad,
I just go along with it.
1158
01:00:20,720 --> 01:00:22,051
Ahhh!
1159
01:00:22,880 --> 01:00:24,723
I act like I'm caught.
This is the shit that makes me laugh.
1160
01:00:24,760 --> 01:00:26,361
This is how he releases me from the web.
1161
01:00:28,480 --> 01:00:30,960
And he walks off.
The shit's hilarious.
1162
01:00:31,080 --> 01:00:33,128
Now, it's me and my son, we're bonding.
1163
01:00:33,200 --> 01:00:36,807
See, but as a parent, you don't realize
the effect that you have on your kids.
1164
01:00:36,880 --> 01:00:38,166
Whatever you do in the house,
1165
01:00:38,200 --> 01:00:41,010
your kids are gonna mimic
when they're outside the house.
1166
01:00:41,040 --> 01:00:42,485
I learned this lesson the hard way.
1167
01:00:42,560 --> 01:00:44,403
I go pick my son up from camp, right?
1168
01:00:44,440 --> 01:00:48,490
My son is outside arguing
with this little boy over a truck.
1169
01:00:48,560 --> 01:00:49,846
I'm watching. I'm not gonna break it up.
1170
01:00:49,880 --> 01:00:52,280
I want my son to be a boy,
let me see how he handles himself.
1171
01:00:52,680 --> 01:00:54,967
Little boy takes the truck from my son.
1172
01:00:55,040 --> 01:00:58,283
My son gets mad, takes the truck back.
"Mine!"
1173
01:00:58,360 --> 01:01:01,330
Little boy comes back,
punches my son in the back of the head.
1174
01:01:02,280 --> 01:01:05,966
My son falls.
This boy starts whooping my son's ass.
1175
01:01:06,400 --> 01:01:09,131
Listen, I don't know who
was training this little boy,
1176
01:01:09,200 --> 01:01:10,361
but they were doing an amazing job.
1177
01:01:10,400 --> 01:01:12,129
This boy could fucking fight, okay?
1178
01:01:12,200 --> 01:01:13,201
I'm not gonna break it up.
1179
01:01:13,240 --> 01:01:15,527
I'm gonna let my son take his ass-whooping.
He will learn from it.
1180
01:01:15,600 --> 01:01:17,443
I'm watching.
I see this with my own two eyes.
1181
01:01:17,480 --> 01:01:18,970
My son gets mad, rolls over.
1182
01:01:23,720 --> 01:01:26,087
"What the fuck are you doing, man?
1183
01:01:26,960 --> 01:01:28,724
"It's not real. What are you doing?"
1184
01:01:29,480 --> 01:01:30,686
The parents are looking at me.
1185
01:01:30,760 --> 01:01:33,525
"Why would you teach him that?
Why would you even teach him that?"
1186
01:01:34,400 --> 01:01:37,131
I run over, I grab the
little boy off of my son.
1187
01:01:37,160 --> 01:01:40,721
This is the longest walk back to the car
that I've ever had with my son in my life.
1188
01:01:40,800 --> 01:01:44,247
He just kept looking at his hands.
He was like...
1189
01:01:47,440 --> 01:01:50,125
"I don't know what happened, Dad.
I don't know what happened."
1190
01:01:50,160 --> 01:01:51,241
So I get mad. I'm like,
1191
01:01:51,280 --> 01:01:55,251
"Dude, if somebody's fucking hitting you,
you ball your fists up, you hit him back.
1192
01:01:55,280 --> 01:01:58,568
"You don't let nobody hit you.
You ball your fists up, you hit him back."
1193
01:01:58,640 --> 01:02:00,563
Now, he doesn't like it
when I come down on him.
1194
01:02:00,640 --> 01:02:02,130
So he got mad. He webbed me.
1195
01:02:03,440 --> 01:02:05,442
Now, when he webbed me,
I had a choice to make.
1196
01:02:05,480 --> 01:02:07,721
Do I act like the game
that my son believes in isn't real
1197
01:02:07,760 --> 01:02:10,525
and no longer exists
and fuck his imagination up?
1198
01:02:10,600 --> 01:02:12,841
Or do I allow his imagination
to continue to run wild?
1199
01:02:12,920 --> 01:02:13,921
He's five.
1200
01:02:14,000 --> 01:02:15,570
I said,
"I'm gonna let his imagination run wild,"
1201
01:02:15,640 --> 01:02:17,130
act like I was caught. Ah!
1202
01:02:17,960 --> 01:02:19,325
Ahhh!
1203
01:02:19,600 --> 01:02:22,968
This... This is what I heard.
This is what my son said.
1204
01:02:24,640 --> 01:02:26,768
"I had it turned off, Dad."
1205
01:02:28,960 --> 01:02:33,443
Said, "What the fuck is going on here?"
1206
01:02:35,320 --> 01:02:37,607
Look, my kids are hilarious, man.
1207
01:02:38,560 --> 01:02:40,562
I got stories for days about my kids.
1208
01:02:40,640 --> 01:02:42,927
I took my kids horseback riding, right?
1209
01:02:43,000 --> 01:02:44,001
This might have been, like,
1210
01:02:44,080 --> 01:02:46,731
the best worst day that
I've ever had with my kids in my life.
1211
01:02:47,120 --> 01:02:48,963
I wanted to find a place
that was suitable for kids and adults
1212
01:02:49,000 --> 01:02:50,365
so we could make a day out of it.
1213
01:02:50,400 --> 01:02:51,925
I find this ranch, right?
1214
01:02:52,000 --> 01:02:55,561
Me, my kids, my brother,
my friends, we all go.
1215
01:02:55,640 --> 01:02:57,529
We get there, they got ponies.
1216
01:02:57,600 --> 01:03:00,410
My kids get on the ponies.
There's a smaller trail at the ranch.
1217
01:03:00,480 --> 01:03:02,281
They ride the ponies
around the smaller trail.
1218
01:03:02,480 --> 01:03:05,086
Me, my brother and my friends,
we go on the big horses.
1219
01:03:05,160 --> 01:03:07,481
We're gonna do the big trail, okay?
1220
01:03:07,520 --> 01:03:09,841
Here's what happened.
Everybody gets on their horses.
1221
01:03:09,880 --> 01:03:12,008
They've got their feet in the stirrups.
They're ready to go.
1222
01:03:12,040 --> 01:03:14,486
I'm last to get on my horse
'cause I was filling out the paperwork,
1223
01:03:14,560 --> 01:03:15,607
I'm paying for this shit.
1224
01:03:15,680 --> 01:03:17,808
I get on my horse. Here's
strike one for me.
1225
01:03:18,200 --> 01:03:21,044
I go to put my feet in the stirrups, right?
1226
01:03:21,880 --> 01:03:23,245
Okay. Okay, this was the problem.
1227
01:03:23,360 --> 01:03:26,443
Like, if I put this foot in,
this foot wasn't going to make it.
1228
01:03:26,520 --> 01:03:29,126
I couldn't get them both in, all right?
1229
01:03:29,240 --> 01:03:32,369
So I tell the guy. I say, "Hey, man,
I think I need smaller stirrups."
1230
01:03:32,400 --> 01:03:34,004
He was like, "Don't worry about it.
You don't need them."
1231
01:03:34,080 --> 01:03:35,570
I was like, "Mmm. Yes, I do.
1232
01:03:35,640 --> 01:03:37,881
"'Cause everybody else has them.
I wanna look like everybody else."
1233
01:03:38,000 --> 01:03:39,843
He was like, "Trust me,
you'll be all right."
1234
01:03:39,880 --> 01:03:42,724
I was like, "I don't trust you.
I wanna look like everybody else."
1235
01:03:43,080 --> 01:03:44,764
He said, "Look,
do you wanna talk to the instructor?"
1236
01:03:44,880 --> 01:03:46,609
I said, "Yes, I'll talk to the instructor."
1237
01:03:46,680 --> 01:03:49,968
Keep in mind,
the instructor is why I chose this ranch.
1238
01:03:50,040 --> 01:03:51,849
This guy is supposed to be a horse guru.
1239
01:03:51,920 --> 01:03:53,729
He was gonna teach us
how to physically control the horse.
1240
01:03:53,760 --> 01:03:55,205
He was gonna teach us
the verbal commands,
1241
01:03:55,240 --> 01:03:57,368
and he personally
was gonna take us on the trail.
1242
01:03:57,880 --> 01:04:01,123
Problem with this guy is
he cannot speak English, people, okay?
1243
01:04:01,200 --> 01:04:02,611
I can't make this shit up.
1244
01:04:02,680 --> 01:04:05,923
This is the speech that he gave
before we started the trail.
1245
01:04:06,000 --> 01:04:08,082
Word for word. He goes,
1246
01:04:08,480 --> 01:04:10,448
"Okay.
1247
01:04:11,400 --> 01:04:13,846
"Okay.
1248
01:04:19,440 --> 01:04:20,851
"Okay.
1249
01:04:23,880 --> 01:04:25,848
"Like that! Go, fat guy, kick it! Mmm!
1250
01:04:25,920 --> 01:04:28,207
"Like that, kick twice. Mmm!
1251
01:04:28,280 --> 01:04:31,329
"Like that. All right, let's ride."
1252
01:04:34,920 --> 01:04:37,241
"What the fuck did he say?
Did you hear what he said?
1253
01:04:37,880 --> 01:04:40,690
"Hey, man, you gotta say it again for me.
I didn't understand what you said."
1254
01:04:40,760 --> 01:04:41,841
This is how I knew it was bullshit.
1255
01:04:41,920 --> 01:04:43,680
He said the same thing
in the exact same way.
1256
01:04:43,720 --> 01:04:47,486
He said, "Okay. Okay.
1257
01:04:49,640 --> 01:04:52,689
"All right, okay. Okay.
1258
01:04:55,240 --> 01:04:57,402
"Like that! Go, fat guy, kick it! Mmm!
1259
01:04:57,480 --> 01:04:59,642
"Like that, kick twice. Mmm!
1260
01:04:59,720 --> 01:05:02,291
"Like that. All right, let's ride."
1261
01:05:03,760 --> 01:05:06,570
I said, "We're gonna fucking die.
We're about to die."
1262
01:05:07,240 --> 01:05:09,288
My friend said,
"Kev, stop bitching. Let's just go."
1263
01:05:09,320 --> 01:05:11,163
Keep in mind, I have no stability.
1264
01:05:11,240 --> 01:05:14,130
My feet are just dangling
from the side of the horse.
1265
01:05:14,160 --> 01:05:15,889
I have nothing to hold on to,
1266
01:05:15,960 --> 01:05:19,123
except this little stump thing
in the middle of the fucking saddle.
1267
01:05:19,160 --> 01:05:21,447
I said, "Fine, I ain't gonna say shit else.
Let's go."
1268
01:05:21,520 --> 01:05:23,887
My horse starts to trot.
1269
01:05:23,960 --> 01:05:25,928
He's not running, people. He's trotting.
1270
01:05:26,000 --> 01:05:28,002
I have no balance, so
I'm all over the place.
1271
01:05:28,120 --> 01:05:29,963
I'm like this, right?
1272
01:05:30,000 --> 01:05:32,048
My feet kicked the horse in the stomach.
1273
01:05:32,120 --> 01:05:34,930
That's a sign for your horse to speed up.
1274
01:05:35,000 --> 01:05:37,207
My horse takes off.
1275
01:05:38,000 --> 01:05:41,447
Listen to me, people. This nigga took off!
1276
01:05:42,040 --> 01:05:44,361
Now, I'm scared, 'cause
I don't know what to do with my feet.
1277
01:05:44,440 --> 01:05:47,364
At one point in time, I panicked,
had my feet on his neck.
1278
01:05:47,440 --> 01:05:50,489
Like, I was like this, right?
I was like this.
1279
01:05:50,520 --> 01:05:52,522
But I couldn't hear shit,
'cause the wind was blowing.
1280
01:05:52,640 --> 01:05:54,722
It was like...
1281
01:05:54,800 --> 01:05:56,245
I hear my friends in the back.
They're like...
1282
01:05:56,320 --> 01:05:58,129
Ohh!
1283
01:05:58,640 --> 01:05:59,721
Oh!
1284
01:05:59,840 --> 01:06:01,365
I don't know what they're saying.
1285
01:06:01,440 --> 01:06:04,649
I assume that they're saying, "Let go."
1286
01:06:04,720 --> 01:06:07,007
That's what I think
they're saying, "Let go."
1287
01:06:07,040 --> 01:06:10,726
So I said, "Fuck it! Jesus,
take the wheel." Right?
1288
01:06:12,040 --> 01:06:14,042
I roll off like a black-ass tumbleweed.
1289
01:06:14,120 --> 01:06:15,246
Bap-bap-bap-bap-bap.
1290
01:06:15,560 --> 01:06:17,642
My... The horse keeps going.
1291
01:06:17,720 --> 01:06:21,122
My friends and my brother, the instructor,
everybody pulls up next to me.
1292
01:06:21,200 --> 01:06:22,531
It's at a point where I'm pissed.
1293
01:06:22,720 --> 01:06:24,802
I'm like, "Yo, I'm not doing
this shit no more. I'm out.
1294
01:06:24,880 --> 01:06:26,405
"Fuck this trail. I'm done.
1295
01:06:26,480 --> 01:06:29,643
"I'm going back, I'm getting my kids,
I'm walking back to the hotel."
1296
01:06:29,720 --> 01:06:32,724
My boy, Spank, was like,
"Kev, you can't fucking walk back.
1297
01:06:32,840 --> 01:06:34,285
"We've been riding for 25 minutes.
1298
01:06:34,360 --> 01:06:36,124
"It's gonna take you, like,
an hour to walk back."
1299
01:06:36,200 --> 01:06:38,362
I said, "Fine." I looked at the instructor,
1300
01:06:38,400 --> 01:06:41,051
I said, "Well, you're gonna take me.
You're gonna take me back right now."
1301
01:06:41,080 --> 01:06:44,641
He puts his arm down like this,
grabs me, pulls me, picks me up,
1302
01:06:44,720 --> 01:06:46,370
puts me on the back of his horse.
1303
01:06:46,400 --> 01:06:49,643
This is why I will never ride a horse
again in my life, people.
1304
01:06:49,720 --> 01:06:53,611
For 25 minutes, for 25 goddamn minutes,
1305
01:06:53,640 --> 01:06:55,927
I'm on the back of this nigga's horse.
1306
01:07:06,240 --> 01:07:08,447
I turn around, my friends think it's funny.
1307
01:07:08,520 --> 01:07:10,488
They're taking pictures, right?
1308
01:07:10,560 --> 01:07:13,131
I said, "Put the camera up!
Put the goddamn camera up!"
1309
01:07:13,200 --> 01:07:16,204
The instructor kicked the horse
in the stomach, the horse starts running.
1310
01:07:16,280 --> 01:07:20,285
He reaches around, grabs my lower back.
He starts pulling me in, right?
1311
01:07:21,560 --> 01:07:25,326
Now, I'm scared, so I can't let go,
so I've got my arms around his stomach.
1312
01:07:25,400 --> 01:07:28,802
I'm fucking the shit
out of this nigga in his back.
1313
01:07:28,880 --> 01:07:32,202
He speed up, I speed up.
I gave him, like, 75 pops.
1314
01:07:34,120 --> 01:07:36,771
The shit that pissed me off,
while I'm in mid-pump,
1315
01:07:36,800 --> 01:07:39,326
he's gonna turn around
and go, "Let's ride."
1316
01:07:39,400 --> 01:07:41,164
I said, "Man, get the fuck off of me."
1317
01:07:41,280 --> 01:07:43,487
New York, it's been real.
My name is Kev Hart.
1318
01:07:43,520 --> 01:07:45,480
I fucking love y'all, man.
1319
01:07:46,240 --> 01:07:49,005
I appreciate you. Thank you.
1320
01:07:49,120 --> 01:07:52,169
Get fire on these bitches
one more time, man.
1321
01:07:52,240 --> 01:07:54,004
Thank you, New York.
1322
01:07:55,080 --> 01:07:56,650
Thank you.
1323
01:07:57,560 --> 01:07:58,925
Thank you.
1324
01:08:01,680 --> 01:08:03,170
Thank you.
1325
01:08:05,800 --> 01:08:07,325
Before I go,
1326
01:08:07,360 --> 01:08:09,761
I'm gonna end on a fucking
1327
01:08:09,840 --> 01:08:12,446
note from the heart right now.
1328
01:08:12,840 --> 01:08:17,243
Uh... And I'm gonna try not to be a bitch
and get emotional up here.
1329
01:08:17,360 --> 01:08:20,682
Dude, I am now one of few
1330
01:08:20,760 --> 01:08:26,927
to fucking perform as a standup comedian
in Madison fucking Square Garden.
1331
01:08:30,200 --> 01:08:31,531
Hey..
1332
01:08:32,040 --> 01:08:35,044
Listen to me. Listen to me.
1333
01:08:35,520 --> 01:08:37,284
You have no idea
1334
01:08:37,360 --> 01:08:41,081
the fucking feeling that I have
going through my body right now, man.
1335
01:08:41,160 --> 01:08:44,687
This is a fucking dream come true.
1336
01:08:50,120 --> 01:08:55,286
Hey, this is a fucking
dream come true, man.
1337
01:08:55,400 --> 01:08:58,722
Thank you for being loyal.
Thank you for growing with me.
1338
01:08:59,320 --> 01:09:01,402
Thank you for fucking enjoying me.
1339
01:09:01,440 --> 01:09:03,886
My name is Kev Hart, I love y'all.
1340
01:09:39,600 --> 01:09:41,602
Hey! Here they come.
1341
01:09:41,680 --> 01:09:43,444
Gather around.
We're about to throw a surprise.
1342
01:09:43,520 --> 01:09:44,567
Here we go.
1343
01:09:44,600 --> 01:09:50,607
I'm gonna take it
I'm gonna break it, hey
1344
01:09:59,000 --> 01:10:01,287
Go round, go round, go round
1345
01:10:01,360 --> 01:10:03,966
Go round, go round, go round
1346
01:10:09,720 --> 01:10:14,681
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
1347
01:10:18,400 --> 01:10:19,731
What?
1348
01:10:21,800 --> 01:10:23,484
Right now, we're gonna beer bike.
1349
01:10:23,560 --> 01:10:27,121
For those who don't know what a beer
bike is, it's a bike with beer on it.
1350
01:10:27,240 --> 01:10:28,605
We're about to pedal this bitch.
1351
01:10:28,640 --> 01:10:30,165
Everybody, let's go!/
On three.
1352
01:10:30,280 --> 01:10:31,486
Let's go!/
Pedal!
1353
01:10:31,600 --> 01:10:33,648
Check out the speed bump/
Pedal!
1354
01:10:33,720 --> 01:10:36,291
Whoa! Easy. We off, man.
We easy. We got it.
1355
01:10:36,320 --> 01:10:37,810
Pedal!
1356
01:10:38,640 --> 01:10:39,971
Pedal!
1357
01:10:40,000 --> 01:10:42,082
Halt! Halt on the pedaling.
1358
01:10:42,320 --> 01:10:46,325
Halt! Pedal! Pedal!
1359
01:10:46,400 --> 01:10:47,925
Oh, my God!
1360
01:10:48,080 --> 01:10:50,765
That's right. It's me. This is me, people.
1361
01:10:57,080 --> 01:10:59,447
Go! Go!
1362
01:11:00,480 --> 01:11:02,369
You can't go right here/
Oh, shit!
1363
01:11:02,480 --> 01:11:03,845
We can't go right.
1364
01:11:03,880 --> 01:11:07,441
Oh, shit!
1365
01:11:07,560 --> 01:11:09,289
Yo! What the fuck are y'all doing?
1366
01:11:17,800 --> 01:11:19,928
Oh, my God, Kevin Hart?
1367
01:11:21,280 --> 01:11:23,521
Yo, you got a coloring book?
1368
01:11:24,640 --> 01:11:25,880
Aw!
1369
01:11:26,680 --> 01:11:29,126
Come on, dude/
She just noticed.
1370
01:11:33,520 --> 01:11:35,090
Aw!
1371
01:11:36,320 --> 01:11:37,731
Can I get a picture with you?
1372
01:11:37,800 --> 01:11:40,804
Of course you can get a picture.
Of course you can.
1373
01:11:41,400 --> 01:11:43,368
Got the Michael Jackson fan.
1374
01:11:43,400 --> 01:11:45,721
I wanted to go to your show,
but I don't have money.
1375
01:11:45,800 --> 01:11:47,325
I've got tickets for you.
1376
01:11:47,400 --> 01:11:50,449
Really?/
I've got tickets for you. Yes, I do.
1377
01:11:51,800 --> 01:11:54,371
So if you hit the wickets,
that's bowled.
1378
01:11:54,400 --> 01:11:55,526
Okay/
Out.
1379
01:11:55,560 --> 01:11:59,087
When he throws the wicket,
he hits one bounce, and he hits that wood,
1380
01:11:59,160 --> 01:12:00,721
that person's out?/
Yeah. Out.
1381
01:12:04,400 --> 01:12:06,243
Hey, don't hit me
with that fucking ball, man.
1382
01:12:06,560 --> 01:12:08,927
You got on all the
protection, Hendrix.
1383
01:12:09,040 --> 01:12:10,565
Except for your face.
1384
01:12:18,320 --> 01:12:21,051
Damn! That's an out. That's an out.
1385
01:12:21,680 --> 01:12:23,967
Here you go. Take it all off/
That's it? That's it?
1386
01:12:24,040 --> 01:12:25,690
You out, man/
That's it for you.
1387
01:12:25,760 --> 01:12:27,330
Why, I didn't get a chance to...
1388
01:12:27,400 --> 01:12:29,448
Well, what the fuck was that?
1389
01:12:30,760 --> 01:12:33,570
Excuse me, sir,
do you know who Kevin Hart is?
1390
01:12:33,600 --> 01:12:34,681
Ma'am?
1391
01:12:34,920 --> 01:12:36,843
All right, these girls
are gonna know me, right here.
1392
01:12:36,920 --> 01:12:38,922
Excuse me, ladies, it's me.
1393
01:12:39,400 --> 01:12:42,847
No, no, it's me. No, no. It's just...
1394
01:12:44,040 --> 01:12:45,963
Damn it! Shit!
1395
01:12:46,040 --> 01:12:47,121
How you doing, sir?
1396
01:12:47,200 --> 01:12:48,804
My name is Kevin Hart.
I'm a famous comedian.
1397
01:12:48,880 --> 01:12:51,087
That's gonna change.
A lot of them are gonna change.
1398
01:12:51,120 --> 01:12:52,724
I'm Kevin Hart. I'm a famous comedian.
1399
01:12:52,800 --> 01:12:54,131
Kevin Hart. Famous...
1400
01:12:54,200 --> 01:12:55,486
How you doing?/
Soul Plane.
1401
01:12:55,560 --> 01:12:56,971
Yes, indeed!
1402
01:12:57,720 --> 01:13:01,645
So everybody in the States that bootlegged
it and didn't think it got anywhere,
1403
01:13:01,720 --> 01:13:03,165
it made it to London, you bitch!
1404
01:13:03,240 --> 01:13:04,810
London, we love you, dawg.
1405
01:13:04,880 --> 01:13:06,803
It was fantastic. I love you, Kevin.
1406
01:13:06,880 --> 01:13:08,848
My boy Kevin Hart ripped it, you done know.
1407
01:13:08,920 --> 01:13:12,641
Listen, Kev, anytime, come down here,
you're welcome. London.
1408
01:13:12,720 --> 01:13:15,291
Whoo! That was fire.
That's what's hot. Whoo! That was fire.
1409
01:13:15,440 --> 01:13:17,169
Kevin Hart in London/
Kevin Hart!
1410
01:13:17,240 --> 01:13:23,043
I stood there, and my sides are hurting
where I laughed so hard. Seriously.
1411
01:13:25,920 --> 01:13:27,604
Kev. My man.
1412
01:13:28,320 --> 01:13:31,369
You got us running all over
the city, man! Come on!
1413
01:13:35,960 --> 01:13:37,849
Don't nobody ask me nothing no more.
1414
01:13:37,920 --> 01:13:39,649
I'll do everything myself!
1415
01:13:41,680 --> 01:13:44,251
Kev, where'd you go? Oh! I smell burning.
1416
01:13:46,080 --> 01:13:48,242
Is there a phone booth in here?/
Clark Kent.
1417
01:13:48,360 --> 01:13:50,169
Ain't no phone booth in here/
How you changed that fast?
1418
01:13:50,240 --> 01:13:52,561
Don't nobody ask me if I'm nervous either,
'cause I'm not!
1419
01:13:52,640 --> 01:13:53,971
I'll knock your ass out.
1420
01:13:54,000 --> 01:13:56,241
And my hands ain't sweaty,
so don't try to touch them.
1421
01:13:56,320 --> 01:13:58,482
Don't touch it. And I don't have swamp ass.
1422
01:13:59,960 --> 01:14:01,644
What're you talking about?/
Huh?
1423
01:14:01,680 --> 01:14:03,603
It's G shit up here, homie.
1424
01:14:04,000 --> 01:14:05,650
Why don't you just be my friends
and shake it up?
1425
01:14:05,840 --> 01:14:07,330
'Cause it's go time right now.
1426
01:14:07,360 --> 01:14:09,966
Huh? I'm pumped up, baby. You hear me?
1427
01:14:10,200 --> 01:14:12,487
I'm ready for this life. Huh?
1428
01:14:12,520 --> 01:14:14,204
I'm so ready for this.
1429
01:14:14,520 --> 01:14:16,204
Close them up, Joe.
That's what I'm talking about.
1430
01:14:16,320 --> 01:14:18,040
You know what we do/
That was last year.
1431
01:14:19,040 --> 01:14:20,929
That's right. You got it, homie.
1432
01:14:23,680 --> 01:14:25,250
What are you doing?
1433
01:14:25,320 --> 01:14:26,840
I didn't forget it 'cause I'm nervous.
1434
01:14:26,880 --> 01:14:29,451
What is he doing?/
Ain't nobody forget nothing!
1435
01:14:29,800 --> 01:14:31,962
It's showtime, man!
1436
01:14:32,160 --> 01:14:34,891
Hey! I'm about to explain, baby!
1436
01:14:35,305 --> 01:14:41,181
Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org121613
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
