Original subtitles

# When the world in which you're living

# Gets a bit too much to bear

# And you need someone to lean on

# When you look, there's no-one there

# You're gonna find me out in the country

# You're gonna find me Way out in the country #

(SHEEP BLEATS)

NICKY: So, what shall we do today?

STEVE: Oh, please, let's not play that game again.

We just end up getting depressed. Oh, come on.

It's Sunday morning. We're back in our old place in Leeds.

What shall we do? All right.

Do you fancy going for breakfast at that cafe in the park?

Oh, yeah, and then we'll look round the market.

Maybe go for a pint. Why not?

We could ask if Jenny and Cal wanna join us.

They'll be in there already. Yeah, all our mates will be.

Could go to the cinema afterwards. Walk home, phone out for a curry.

Twenty minutes later, there's a bloke in a helmet standing on the doorstep

with a big bag of food all ready to eat.

God, I hate it here.

I always thought growing our own vegetables would make me happy.

Why? It's just like going shopping

except you come back with backache and mud on your shoes.

Is that it? I know. They're rubbish, aren't they?

I wouldn't say rubbish. Maybe call it your organic range.

They're better than your marmalade. Nothing wrong with my marmalade.

Just a bit runny. And fizzy.

Took the enamel off the sink when I tipped it away.

Should have kept it, used it as paint stripper.

Could have come in handy if we ever do the living-room.

(SIGHS) Take a bit more than paint stripper in there.

I suppose we could always make a start on it.

What, the living-room? (SCOFFS) We've got to tackle it some time.

Now? Well, yeah. Come on, we'll do it together.

(SIGHS) It's such a big job.

Yeah, I know, but we can't keep putting it off. Hm?

Right. (SIGHS)

I think I'll go and get some milk. Yeah, and we need some bread.

BOTH: Coo-ee!

...along the top field and then back down through the spinney.

It's a lovely walk. You really should try it.

Well, erm... We don't use the car.

Why, what's wrong with it? Nothing. We're going car-free for a month.

We really don't miss it. And it's good for the planet.

Is, erm... Is Nicky not here?

Oh, she's gone to the shop to get some bread.

Still not making your own? It's ever so easy.

We make it together, don't we?

We don't like bread from the shops. It's not good for you. Mm.

So, is there a message I can pass on to Nicky?

What it is, we couldn't help noticing

that you've got some old timber outside.

What? It's under a tarpaulin. Oh, that.

It's been there a while, and we just wondered

if you were ever going to use it. Oh... Because if you're not,

I'd be happy to take it off your hands for you.

I'm making a chicken coop.

Matt's really good with wood. He's been doing some carving.

It's a hobby, really. Bit of a side-line.

Anyway, I prefer to use recycled materials, because they're...

What, free? (LAUGHS)

No, we just don't believe in things going to waste.

I mean, obviously, if you need it...

But it has been there for an awfully long time.

Actually, I think we do need it, cos I'm gonna be making a...

er...wooden thing.

A wooden thing? Yeah, out of wood.

What sort of thing? You know, a thing...to keep things in.

What, you mean a box? Er, bit more than a box, actually. Yeah.

In fact, I'm about to get on with it, so I'll let Nicky know that,

er, you were here.

£2.20.

Oh, OAP lunch club.

Is that a regular thing, then? Gareth?

There's someone wants to go to the lunch club. No, I don't want to go.

Is it a regular thing? GARETH: You what?

The lunch club, is it a regular thing?

Does someone want to go, then? No, I don't want to go. Eh?

She doesn't want to go. Well, why did she ask?

Well, why did you ask? I don't know.

I just thought I might help out or something.

Oh, hello, dear. I thought it were you.

Oh, hello, Alice. I wouldn't help out at the lunch club, if I were you.

You'll get no thanks from that lot.

They just take advantage. Oh, right. Well, thanks for the tip.

But if you do want to help an old lady,

you could take me to my doctor's appointment tomorrow.

Still, it was nice of you to offer. (SCOFFS)

Not sure "offer" is the word I'd use.

So, what's wrong with her? Dunno. Chronic blagging syndrome?

If it's only over in Alandale, it won't take you long.

I know. It's not as if I've got any work lined up.

Be careful. You'll turn into one of those volunteer types.

You know, all cats, no friends.

Like we can afford a cat.

What's that? You gonna build a boat? Er, yeah, I might...

Or a treehouse.

I've got to do something with all that wood outside,

so probably just have a bonfire. (CAR DOOR SHUTS OUTSIDE)

Oh, great. It's my dad.

Leg of lamb, or leg of pork?

I won the meat raffle at the bowls club.

Do they still have meat raffles?

Why wouldn't they? Well, it's just funny, the idea of meat as a prize.

If you don't want it, I'll go to the fairground

and try and win you a giant teddy bear.

(SIGHS) No, it's lovely, thanks.

We'll take the pork. Done. About time I won something.

That Ralph Norris, last month, he won the beef,

month before that, sausages, month before that, six chops and a pound of mince.

You tell me that's not a fix. Well, could just be lucky.

Lucky no-one's cut the brake cable on his car.

Anyway, I'll drop it off tomorrow.

That'll make you a nice dinner.

You all right for veg?

BOTH: Yeah.

Right. I'm off to take an old lady to the doctor's.

Life doesn't get more exciting than that.

Oh, think yourself lucky. I'm gonna be chasing up invoices.

I mean, you design someone a website...

Why are your clients so rubbish at paying?

I know. If you can't trust a firm like Terry's Second-Hand Car Spares

to pay up on time, who can you trust?

If the worst comes to the worst, I could take up mini-cabbing.

Good idea. Do you need a website designed?

Do you know anyone good? Hah. It's cash up front.

Hello, Alice. Hello, dear. It's ever so kind of you.

Oh, it's no trouble. Would you mind taking this for me?

No, of course. What have you got a suitcase for, Alice?

I just packed a few things in case they have to keep me in overnight.

Oh, do they have beds at the surgery?

The surgery? Oh, no, dear. We're going to the hospital.

What, in Leeds? Yes, that's it.

But you said your doctor's was in Alandale.

You said you had an appointment. That's right, dear.

My doctor is in Alandale,

and he's made an appointment for me at the hospital in Leeds.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)

You'll never guess what. She wants me to take her to the hospital.

What, all the way there? Crafty cow.

You wanted a day out in Leeds. A day out with you and my mates,

not in a hospital, staring at a pensioner's bunions.

Maybe you could do something else while she's in there.

Actually, that's a thought. Could see if Jen's around, meet up for a coffee and a chat.

Well, there you are. You'll have a great time.

Think of me stuck here, doing my invoices.

Have you started, then? Yeah, yeah.

Ploughing through them. Anyway, you have fun. Bye.

(BEEPING) Could you pop your seatbelt on, Alice?

I don't get on with seatbelts. Yeah, but you do have to wear them,

otherwise we'll have that noise all the way to the hospital.

Why does it make it do that noise, then?

To remind you to put your seatbelt on.

I don't get on with seatbelts.

# IGGY POP: I'm Bored

(SIGHS)

Do you mind if I have some music on?

Oh, is there a radio?

I couldn't have Hello Yorkshire on, could I?

I love that Gavin Hartley, the way he talks about his cats.

GAVIN HARTLEY: ...And this morning, Mr Snuggles was ever so cross

because I'd forgotten to clean out his litter tray.

Oh, he gave me such a look.

His little whiskers were twitching... Oh!

(DISTANT BUZZING OUTSIDE)

(YELLS)

Oh!

Aaagh!

No! Aagh!

(LAUGHING) (SIGHS)

Your face! "Aagh!"

Grizzo, you scared the life out of me.

Nicky's chainsaw. I brought it back. She lent it to me the other day. Oh.

Been doing some pruning? Eh?

Oh, no, no. What it is, did some keyboards for Beyonce.

She gave me a four-poster bed as a thank you.

French, or something. Antique. Anyway, I couldn't fit it through the front door.

Oh, you didn't... Yeah.

(MIMICS CHAINSAW) (LAUGHS)

Just got to work out a way of sticking it back together now.

Here's a thought.

Do you reckon if we started up this chainsaw,

I could fly it up there and take off those high branches?

Absolutely not. Please don't try. Oh, come on.

GAVIN: (ON RADIO) I had to take him to the vet

to have his claws trimmed, but he wasn't having any of it.

One glimpse of his carrier basket and he shot upstairs...

How long do you think it'll take us to get to the hospital?

About an hour and a half, depending on the traffic.

Do you mind if we stop for the toilet?

What, now?

You're probably thinking I should have gone before I left the house.

No. Well, I did.

It's just, at my age...

Don't worry. I'll find us somewhere to stop.

Where's the strangest place you've ever found your pet cat?

Next thing I know, the buzzard's attacking it.

(MIMICS BUZZARD) Knocks it out of the sky, lands on top of a lorry.

Three weeks later, I get a call from a bloke in Krakow.

"Have you lost the drone?" "Nothing to do with me, mate."

Anyway, this one's top of the range.

I'm not even supposed to have it, cos I'm not in NATO.

Can I ask you a question, Grizzo? Do you ever get bored?

Bored? Me? Yeah, all the time.

So how do you cope? Buy something new.

That's what you're supposed to do when you're bored, innit?

But what if you can't just keep buying new things?

You've just gotta find something to take your mind off it.

It's like the other day. I was sitting at home, really bored.

I thought, "What am I doing here, stuck in the middle of nowhere?"

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Nothing to do. No-one to talk to. I know.

So what did you do? I went to Florida.

I suddenly realised I'd never seen Cape Canaveral.

Amazing place. You should go.

Do you know how they brush their teeth in space?

Er... That reminds me. If you see Matt and Meena,

tell 'em I got their kids some spacesuits.

I'll drop 'em round later. Anyway, I best be getting on.

Gotta work up a set list for Glastonbury.

Do you want your, er... Oh, yeah.

McCartney wants to do a duet. Ahh! (TUTS) Laters.

I've got some invoices to chase up, so... (DOOR CLOSES)

(SIGHS)

Ah!

Yeah, great, Jenny. I'll meet you there.

I'll give you a call when I've dropped her off. Bye.

Ooh, that's better. Right, well, on we go.

You all right, Alice? Would you mind if we had a quick cup of tea?

Only I'm parched.

You sure you don't want anything? No, I think I'll wait till lunch.

I suddenly got very hungry. Yeah, you said.

It's very kind of you to treat me.

Oh...

It's no bother.

Oh, did I see they had some barley sugars by the counter?

You wouldn't mind getting me some, would you, just for the journey?

(SIGHS) Right you are.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

MEENA: Hello?

Oh, Steve, thank God you're in.

Meena, what's the matter? It's Matt.

He's had a whittling accident. A what? Whittling.

He'd finished carving a salad bowl

and he thought we needed salad servers to go with it.

Yeah... The spoon was quite straightforward,

but the fork was more tricky. Yeah...

And the craft knife slipped, and now his thumb is practically hanging off.

Have you called an ambulance? Yes, but it's going to be 50 minutes.

Could we use your car? Nicky's got it. Can't you use yours?

We've gone car-free. But it's an emergency.

But Matt posted the key to his sister in case we were tempted to use it.

Oh, you're joking. It was a family decision!

All right, I'll come and see what I can do.

I hope he's all right. Oh, I'm sure he'll be fine.

Matt can't stand the sight of blood.

It's not his fault. He's actually got a phobia.

Maybe he should choose a hobby that doesn't involve sharp objects.

ALICE: It's a shame we couldn't have had a pudding.

NICKY: Well, we don't want to miss your appointment.

You couldn't unwrap this barley sugar for me, could you?

I am driving, Alice. Only it's my arthritis.

Meena, where the hell have you been? Steve's here.

Oh, hello, Steve. Daddy hurt his thumb.

It's a bit more serious than that, Silas.

Where's Pipps? I don't know. I've got half a bloody thumb hanging off.

You got the car? Pipps? Nicky's got it. She's gone to the hospital in Leeds.

Bit ironic. Oh, that is great.

Pipps? And this is ruined.

It's supposed to be a present for my sister.

She's a vegan. She's not gonna appreciate a bloodstained salad bowl.

Ow! This really hurts! Oh, there you are, Pipps.

Daddy said a bad word. Shut up, Silas!

Right. You give me a ring when you're done

and I'll come back as soon as I can. Righto. Thank you, dear.

So, where do I go?

Reception. Just inside, I expect. What do I say to 'em?

Well, you just tell them that you...

All right, I'll come in with you. Oh, would you, dear?

That's ever so kind of you.

Don't take it out on the children! Don't tell me what to do!

I'm sorry, Steve. No, you carry on.

I've lost a lot of blood. I could pass out at any moment.

Where is this ambulance?

I'm the ambulance! Nee-naw, nee-naw, nee-naw!

I'm a nurse! Or a doctor.

You could be a doctor, Pipps. Will you please be quiet?

BOTH: Nee-naw, nee-naw! (MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Hi, Ken. Where the heck are you? I've got a leg of pork here.

Oh, Ken, I'm sorry. I completely forgot. I'm up at Matt and Meena's.

Bit of an emergency. Matt's cut his finger.

Thumb. I cut my thumb. His thumb. We're waiting for an ambulance.

Let's go and do a puzzle.

Sounds to me like everyone is panicking.

You need someone who knows what they're doing.

I'll be straight up. (SIGHS)

Thank you, dear. (CHUCKLES) What am I like?

Fancy getting the wrong day. It's next Monday.

I should have checked. Never mind.

I'll just ring my friend, and I'll get you home.

Thank you, dear.

Oh, I just had a thought.

We'll be passing right by my sister's.

We could stop by and see if she's in. I haven't seen her for ages.

Oh, Alice, I think we should... If you wouldn't mind.

(SIGHS)

(MATT GROANING)

Just keep his thumb under the tap.

Yeah, I know. That's what I'm doing. He'll live.

I don't feel very well. You don't look very well.

It's only a flesh wound. They'll sew it back on.

I've seen a lot worse.

A fella at our workshop, he was using the bandsaw.

Didn't have the guard on. Got distracted.

Took his arm clean off at the shoulder.

Yeah, Ken... Cut straight through the bone.

Luckily, the sawdust soaked up most of the blood.

Ken. That's why they have sawdust at the butcher's.

Oh, that reminds me. Would you mind putting this in your fridge?

That's our uncle Tommy, and that's his wife Ida.

She had a sister who worked at Debenhams. Did she?

Now, what were her name? Mary?

No, that were Arnold's sister.

Was it Maude? No, it weren't Maude.

There were a Maude. She married a tailor.

Could it have been Mavis? Now, what were his name? Reginald.

The two of them moved to Whitby, bought a bungalow.

Oh, I thought it was a flat.

No, you're thinking of George and Rita.

Didn't George work at Debenhams? (CLOCK TICKING GROWS LOUDER)

Yes, he did. They made him deputy...

I'm so sorry I shouted at you, pumpkin.

It's only a bang on the head. He'll be fine.

Oh, it's a bit more than a bang on the head. Think he's delirious.

Ahh! Ssh! You'll be all right.

I can see aliens.

Can you? Erm, try not to talk.

But I can.

Thank you, dear. Sorry about the muddle.

Oh, well, can't be helped.

Still, we've had a nice day out, haven't we?

Anyway, see you next Monday.

Erm...

So, anyway, he took one look at it and just fainted, like a big baby.

I mean... Pathetic.

Mmm, this smells good.

You can't beat a nice roast.

Ideally, we'd have a few more vegetables to go with it.

Well, it's a start. So, how was your day out?

Oh, it was...

Actually, it was fantastic.

In fact, Alice needs to go again next Monday.

Does she? Why don't you take her, have a nice day out in Leeds?

Just drop her off and then do your own thing.

Why should I have all the fun? Yeah, maybe I will.

Right. Here you go.

Mmm.

Actually, do you mind carving?

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