Original subtitles

# CLIFF RICHARD: Up In The World

# Ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba Ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba

# When the world in which you're living

# Gets a bit too much to bear

# And you need someone to lean on

# When you look, there's no-one there

# You're gonna find me # Ba-ba ba-ba

# Out in the country # Ba-ba ba-ba

# Yeah, you're gonna find me # Ba-ba ba-ba

# Way out in the country # Ba-ba-ba #

Baaaaa!

(MILITARY-STYLE DRUMMING)

(CLANKING)

(CLANKING)

Why they can't just take a 100-yard detour, I don't know.

They're the ones who've got a lorry.

To be fair, I don't think you can get a rubbish truck up our drive.

The house must have got here somehow. Well, look on the bright side.

At least we only have to do it once every three weeks.

What is it tomorrow? Blue or green? I've given up trying to work it out.

I take them both out and hope for the best.

What is that smell? (SNIFFS)

Ugh! You haven't bought eggs from the shop again, have you?

Not after last time.

Oh, I've stepped in something.

It's probably a fox or it could be badger.

What does it matter? It stinks.

Well, get it out the house, then. Yeah, all right.

Take your shoe off. You look like a Morris dancer.

What?

Afternoon. Oh, hello.

Hey! Hey! Whoa!

Sorry.

Sorry. Do you mind?

Just a minute. Hang on.

Hey!

Can I help you? Yes?

Well, what are you doing?

Well, what does it look like we're doing? We're hiking.

Yeah, but this is our garden. We live here.

Yes, but we're entitled to use the path.

What path? The public footpath.

This is a public right of way.

Since when? Since 1383.

And if you have a problem with it, take it up with Richard II.

You can't just walk through our garden.

We can, actually. No, you can't.

See, this is the problem with landowners like you.

I'm hardly a landowner.

You own the surrounding land, don't you?

Well, yes, I do. So, if you wouldn't mind, just...

Yes, we would mind. This is a public footpath. It's on the map.

I'll handle this, Donna. You see, you own this,

and you own this, but you don't own this.

And what did he say?

He said, "There's no need to use language like that,"

but I think he got the message. A footpath?

Apparently. That's what Donna kept saying.

And it's marked on a map?

Yep, unless he drew it in with a red biro.

Seems like a lot of trouble to go to,

to walk through someone's vegetable patch.

They didn't go through it, but they came close.

I don't know how I'd have coped if someone had stepped on my radishes.

Yeah, they're all right.

Both of them? Yeah, and the carrot.

(SIGHS) Well, let's have a beer to celebrate.

Our harvest is saved.

Maybe they made a mistake. Maybe there is no right of way.

Well, let's hope so.

We don't want an endless string of freaks traipsing through our garden.

MATT AND MEENA: Coo-ee!

We're not disturbing anything, are we?

Erm... No, we were just having a drink.

Would you like one? Oh, bit early for us.

But, er, you go ahead.

Pipps wanted to ask you something.

Oh, yeah? Come on, Pipps. What did you want to say?

Will you sponsor us?

Silas and Pipps are doing a recorderthon.

They're raising money for the local hospital.

Local?

Oh, the one in Leeds.

They're going to try to play the recorder for two hours.

You must come.

Everyone in the village is going to be there.

Oh, right... Erm...

Give them a taster, then.

One, two, three, four...

# Frere Jacques

(SCREECHING NOTES)

(PLAYING OUT OF TUNE)

Well done.

That was lovely.

We haven't finished yet.

No, save it for the big night.

Oh, good. You're coming, then?

Erm...

Yes.

Anyway, we'd better crack on.

Yeah. We've just found out

there's a public right of way going through our garden.

You've only just found that out?

That's the first thing our solicitor pointed out.

We looked at this place. Yeah, I know. You said.

I'm surprised your solicitor didn't pick that up.

There's a lot of things surprised us about our solicitor.

You should get on to him. It's a bit tricky at the moment.

He's only allowed one visitor a month. (PLAYS SHRILL NOTE)

(OWL HOOTING)

Oh, no!

What?

Right.

But it's our garden.

Yes, and this is a public footpath.

Well, then use it as a footpath and get out of our garden.

The law is very clear.

You may stop to rest or to admire the view

or to consume refreshments, providing you stay on the path.

May I have another bun, Donna? Of course, Ray.

Oh, look, why do you have to stop here?

You're being deliberately obnoxious.

That's a bit rich, after what you called Ray yesterday.

Well, whatever it was, I second it.

You won't scare us off with your foul language.

Sticks and stones and all that.

There are plenty of those around as well.

Is that a threat? Oh, come on, Steve.

Let's leave it. Enjoy your picnic.

Thank you. We will.

Would you mind if we used your toilet?

What? Yes, we would.

Why don't you go up by the bins? Everyone else does.

Your garden, a public right of way?

Since Richard II's time, apparently.

Then do what Richard II would have done.

Put a bear trap out for him. Snap his legs in half.

That'll stop the bugger rambling.

Might be a bit extreme, Ken.

Well, you want something to put people off,

unless you want to sit out there on a toadstool with your fishing rod.

Actually, Dad, we're thinking of starting a petition.

Good luck with that. What good's a petition gonna do?

Well, it might persuade the council to step in and reroute it.

The only way you'll persuade that lot is with a brown envelope.

Why do you think Ralph Norris has got

a bus shelter right outside his house?

Did he bribe them? No, I did.

Can't stand the man.

See how he likes having yobbos

smoking and drinking until the small hours.

You borrow a step ladder from me, you bring it back.

Oh, right. I'll remember that.

So, who is this couple, anyway?

Well, what difference does it make?

Know your enemy, that's what Sun Tzu said.

The Art Of War. Fifth century BC.

Chinese military strategist.

Did he have a problem with ramblers, then?

No sign of Ray and Donna.

I hate this. It's like in Jaws when the shark disappears,

but you know it's coming back. Yeah, but they beat the shark in the end.

Don't think they used a petition.

They shoved a scuba tank in its gob and blew it up.

Well, always good to have a Plan B.

(SIGHS)

(ENGINE STARTS)

(RECORDERS PLAYING) # Frere Jacques How come their vegetables grow?

They probably water them with unicorn milk (!)

Looking forward to Friday? Two hours!

I'd rather go to a dentist's drill-a-thon.

(RECORDER PLAYING CONTINUES)

(CLAPPING)

MATT: Bravo, maestros. Well played.

Oh, hello. That's good timing.

Come on in and listen to Silas and Pipps. They are getting better.

No, it's OK. We heard it.

Yeah, it was great.

Actually, we've got a bit of a favour to ask.

Well, come on in.

Oh, shoes, shoes.

I mean, obviously we'd like to help you out.

But, if it is a right of way...

You see, we approve of people using the countryside.

We're not talking about the countryside. This is our garden.

We don't want it full of strangers.

Why don't you make a virtue out of it? Sell refreshments.

Yes, you could set up a little stall.

You know, homemade cakes. Old-fashioned lemonade.

Elderflower cordial. Meena makes a lovely elderflower cordial.

I could give you the recipe. Yeah, thanks,

but we don't want to attract them, we want them to go away.

I'm really sorry.

I don't think we can put our names to this.

Oh, come on. We signed your sponsorship form.

I know, and we're really grateful. It is for a good cause.

So is this, keeping creeps and weirdos and God knows who

from walking through our garden.

The thing is, Steve, a right of way is there for a reason.

It dates back hundreds of years. So does burning witches.

It doesn't mean we should still do that now.

Are there witches here? Well, you never know.

Will they make me eat a poison apple?

Oh, they'll do worse than that.

There was this one witch - Thank you, Steve.

That's not very helpful.

(SIGHS)

Would anyone like an oatmeal crunch?

You still shouldn't have mentioned witches. They'll have nightmares.

Well, they can always ward them off by playing their recorders.

(CHUCKLES) You sure you don't want to come and see Grizzo?

I've had enough childish musicians for one day.

Gonna take one of these to the shops, see if I can leave it there.

See you later. See you later.

(HUMS)

Oh, hi, Steve. How's it going?

Yeah, great. Erm, I was wondering...

(HUMS)

Sorry, is everything all right?

Yeah, fine. You all right?

Yeah. Er, what it is, we've got a bit of a problem with...

Sorry, what was it you were doing just then?

You know, the...

Oh, that. EFT. Tapping therapy.

It's amazing. You should try it.

It's all about releasing negative emotions.

Got all these points. Just gotta tap them and accept yourself.

Really works.

Oh, good. Erm, is it OK to talk while you're doing that?

Oh, yeah, crack on.

Erm... (HUMS)

Oh, I wish I could help, mate.

Only, I'm not allowed to sign anything

unless my manager has seen it. It's just a petition.

I know, but he made me promise. I've got into a lot of trouble.

How would you like it if strangers started walking through your garden?

Wouldn't really bother me, to be honest.

Manager might get a bit twitchy. Bring in some security.

Been banging on about it since Monaco. What happened there?

Some Japanese girl attacked our drummer with a giant chess piece.

Rook, I think it was. Or was it a knight?

No, wait. What's the one that goes diagonally?

Bishop? That's it, yeah.

Anyway... (GRUNTS) ..lumped him over the head with it.

Can't be too careful.

There's a lot of people out there with problems.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(HUMS)

Are you ready, Donna? Just coming. Have you got everything?

Yes...

..I have.

This'll teach you.

(GRUNTS) That's it, Donna, hold it steady.

(BANGING)

What are you doing?

I should have thought that was obvious.

We're marking a public right of way.

So that others might enjoy it, as is their right.

It's just pointing straight to our house.

That's the direction it goes in.

Now, if you wouldn't mind making sure that the sign is maintained,

so that the wording is clearly visible from the road...

Yes, I would mind. I don't want people strolling through our garden.

Why have you got such a problem with walkers?

Walkers? You haven't even walked here.

You've just driven here to put up a sign about walking.

Can't you see how unreasonable that is?

YOU are being unreasonable. This is a public right of way.

And a public right of way should be clearly marked with a signpost.

Oh, just get lost. I think that's rather unlikely,

considering we're experienced hikers.

(CHUCKLES)

Right.

Well, we'll leave you with your signpost.

Oh, and talking of posts, you might want to check out my latest blog.

Your garden's in it.

"The ten best walks in Yorkshire"? We'll be inundated now.

There'll be hundreds of them rustling around in anoraks,

stinking the place out with their Scotch eggs and Cup-a-Soups.

It's just a stupid blog. Who's gonna pay attention to it?

Don't underestimate The Hikemaster.

He's got four and a half thousand followers.

You make him sound like a cult leader. Well, that's what he is.

They'll all be camping in the garden, hanging out their sweaty socks,

singing Mumford & Sons songs till four in the morning.

Maybe we should take Matt and Meena's advice, set up a stall.

What, sell them elderflower cordial?

Anything to disguise the taste of weed killer.

Does he really call himself "The Hikemaster"?

Yep. "Big Toss Pot" was taken.

Maybe my dad was right.

Can you Google "Bear traps" (?)

Well, what else are we gonna do?

Maybe try tapping therapy. What the hell's that?

Oh, it's this thing Grizzo is into. You tap yourself like that.

It releases all the negative emotions.

What, does it work? No, of course it doesn't work.

It's just some hippy-dippy tripe he's picked up in California

and some phoney quack charging him $200 an hour.

Just to teach him to do that? Yeah, just that.

$200, please. I'm in the wrong job.

Hey, I'm gonna go into the village

to see if there's any demand for tapping therapy.

Eh? It's a petition, about the right of way.

I just wondered if I could leave it here for people to sign.

So what's it for? Well, we found out there's a public right of way.

It goes right through our garden.

We just wanna stop people from using it.

Gareth! Do we want to stop people coming through the village?

It's nothing to do with the village. What?

Just our garden. Do we want to stop people coming through the village?

Well, considering 34% of our trade

comes from people passing through the village, no, thank you.

No, tell him it's not the village, it's just...

Gareth! It's nothing to do with the village!

It's just our garden. We wanna stop people walking through it.

You what?

What are you...? What are you doing?

No, you've been misinformed.

Does this look like one of the ten best walks in Yorkshire?

Well, I'll leave it with you and maybe come back tomorrow.

Oh, yeah, were you closed yesterday?

Family outing. Oh, nice.

Our Bronson were in court again.

Right. Hope that went OK.

Will you sign this for t'local hospital?

Sponsored recorderthon.

Oh, I've already sponsored them.

That's what they all say.

Oh, no, I really have.

They say that and all.

OK.

Ray and Donna, care of the White Horse.

Do you know this couple? They're ramblers,

staying at the White Horse in Branthwaite.

Actually, it's fine.

Hi, Dad. Remember what you said about "Know your enemy"?

You don't fancy meeting for a sandwich, do you?

White Horse?

All right.

# ERIC CLAPTON: Ramblin' On My Mind

# I got rambling

# I got rambling all on my mind

# I got rambling

Thank you very much.

# I got rambling all on my mind

(LAUGHTER AND INDISTINCT CHATTER)

# Hate to leave you here, babe

# But you treat me so unkind

# I got mean things

# I got mean things all on my mind #

One of them was taking a photo of himself in front of the house.

Our house. Well, yeah. Then he got all shirty when I told him what he could do with his selfie stick.

Did he? Anyway - Then I actually caught this German couple

filling their bottles from the outside tap

and that is definitely not on the footpath.

Steve, I wouldn't worry about it. What do you mean?

That tap is on a meter. If they all start doing that -

I mean, it isn't gonna be a problem.

I found out some very interesting information about the Hikemaster.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Turns out Ray and Donna are staying at the White Horse in Branthwaite.

So, what? Arson?

My dad knows the landlord.

He's very discreet about his customers.

At least he was, until the third pint.

Turns out that Ray is a head teacher.

(SCOFFS) That figures. And his surname is Frobisher.

What, so... Go and look him up.

Teacher...

Over to you, Chief Inspector Google.

Oh!

Hello, Ray.

And that's... Exactly.

Who's a naughty boy, then?

Could you bring me the hammer, Donna?

Morning, Ray. Morning, Donna. Morning.

Your signpost seems to have fallen down.

Really? Oh, dear. I wonder how that happened.

Yes, so do I. A public footpath should be clearly marked.

You're right, Donna. The signpost should be there.

Some people think it is there, but, in fact, it's not.

Mm. Yeah, a bit like you and the head teacher's conference.

Isn't that right, sir?

I-I don't know what you mean.

Maybe I should make an appointment

with your secretary and explain it to her.

They seem to know a lot about us.

Thank you, Donna. I am aware of the situation.

Headmaster tells his wife he's going to a conference,

but he's going to a bed and breakfast with his secretary!

I think that's the sort of story

a local newspaper might be interested in, don't you, Steve?

Like the Peterborough Gazette?

Yes, I think they might be very interested, Nicky.

All right, all right. You win. We're going.

Yeah, and you can write another one of your blogs explaining

that you made a mistake about this being a right of way. Yes, yes.

It's a horrible place anyway.

I'm surprised you keep coming back.

Yeah. Who was it you brought last year, Ray?

Ray? Tall, ginger hair, apparently.

Maybe one of the teachers.

Was it Susan?

You pig!

Ooh! (GRUNTS) Donna!

Donna! (ENGINE STARTS)

Donna!

Donna! Enjoy your walk!

Donna!

(GIGGLES)

Donna!

Ah, things are looking up for once.

You've forgotten about tonight, then.

(RECORDERS PLAYING) # Frere Jacques

(SCREECHING NOTES)

(PLAYING OUT OF TUNE)

(I don't think Nicky and Steve are very musical.)

(No sense of rhythm.)

(SHRILL RECORDER MUSIC CONTINUES)

subtitles by Deluxe