All language subtitles for Bad Move season 01 E04

# CLIFF RICHARD: Up In The World

# Ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba
Ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba

# When the world
in which you're living

# Gets a bit too much to bear

# And you need someone to lean on

# When you look,
there's no-one there

# You're gonna find me
# Ba-ba ba-ba

# Out in the country
# Ba-ba ba-ba

# Yeah, you're gonna find me
# Ba-ba ba-ba

# Way out in the country
# Ba-ba-ba #

Baaaaa!

(MILITARY-STYLE DRUMMING)

(CLANKING)

(CLANKING)

Why they can't just take a 100-yard
detour, I don't know.

They're the ones who've got a lorry.

To be fair, I don't think you can
get a rubbish truck up our drive.

The house must have got here somehow.
Well, look on the bright side.

At least we only have to do it
once every three weeks.

What is it tomorrow? Blue or green?
I've given up trying to work it out.

I take them both out
and hope for the best.

What is that smell?
(SNIFFS)

Ugh! You haven't bought eggs
from the shop again, have you?

Not after last time.

Oh, I've stepped in something.

It's probably a fox
or it could be badger.

What does it matter? It stinks.

Well, get it out the house, then.
Yeah, all right.

Take your shoe off.
You look like a Morris dancer.

What?

Afternoon. Oh, hello.

Hey! Hey! Whoa!

Sorry.

Sorry. Do you mind?

Just a minute. Hang on.

Hey!

Can I help you? Yes?

Well, what are you doing?

Well, what does it look like
we're doing? We're hiking.

Yeah, but this is our garden.
We live here.

Yes, but we're entitled
to use the path.

What path? The public footpath.

This is a public right of way.

Since when? Since 1383.

And if you have a problem with it,
take it up with Richard II.

You can't just
walk through our garden.

We can, actually.
No, you can't.

See, this is the problem
with landowners like you.

I'm hardly a landowner.

You own the surrounding land,
don't you?

Well, yes, I do.
So, if you wouldn't mind, just...

Yes, we would mind. This is
a public footpath. It's on the map.

I'll handle this, Donna.
You see, you own this,

and you own this,
but you don't own this.

And what did he say?

He said, "There's no need
to use language like that,"

but I think he got the message.
A footpath?

Apparently.
That's what Donna kept saying.

And it's marked on a map?

Yep, unless he drew it in
with a red biro.

Seems like a lot of trouble
to go to,

to walk through someone's
vegetable patch.

They didn't go through it,
but they came close.

I don't know how I'd have coped if
someone had stepped on my radishes.

Yeah, they're all right.

Both of them?
Yeah, and the carrot.

(SIGHS) Well, let's have a beer
to celebrate.

Our harvest is saved.

Maybe they made a mistake.
Maybe there is no right of way.

Well, let's hope so.

We don't want an endless string of
freaks traipsing through our garden.

MATT AND MEENA: Coo-ee!

We're not disturbing anything,
are we?

Erm...
No, we were just having a drink.

Would you like one?
Oh, bit early for us.

But, er, you go ahead.

Pipps wanted to ask you something.

Oh, yeah? Come on, Pipps.
What did you want to say?

Will you sponsor us?

Silas and Pipps are doing
a recorderthon.

They're raising money
for the local hospital.

Local?

Oh, the one in Leeds.

They're going to try to play
the recorder for two hours.

You must come.

Everyone in the village
is going to be there.

Oh, right... Erm...

Give them a taster, then.

One, two, three, four...

# Frere Jacques

(SCREECHING NOTES)

(PLAYING OUT OF TUNE)

Well done.

That was lovely.

We haven't finished yet.

No, save it for the big night.

Oh, good. You're coming, then?

Erm...

Yes.

Anyway, we'd better crack on.

Yeah. We've just found out

there's a public right of way
going through our garden.

You've only just found that out?

That's the first thing
our solicitor pointed out.

We looked at this place.
Yeah, I know. You said.

I'm surprised your solicitor
didn't pick that up.

There's a lot of things surprised us
about our solicitor.

You should get on to him.
It's a bit tricky at the moment.

He's only allowed one visitor
a month. (PLAYS SHRILL NOTE)

(OWL HOOTING)

Oh, no!

What?

Right.

But it's our garden.

Yes, and this is a public footpath.

Well, then use it as a footpath
and get out of our garden.

The law is very clear.

You may stop to rest
or to admire the view

or to consume refreshments,
providing you stay on the path.

May I have another bun, Donna?
Of course, Ray.

Oh, look,
why do you have to stop here?

You're being
deliberately obnoxious.

That's a bit rich, after what
you called Ray yesterday.

Well, whatever it was, I second it.

You won't scare us off
with your foul language.

Sticks and stones and all that.

There are plenty of those
around as well.

Is that a threat?
Oh, come on, Steve.

Let's leave it. Enjoy your picnic.

Thank you. We will.

Would you mind
if we used your toilet?

What? Yes, we would.

Why don't you go up by the bins?
Everyone else does.

Your garden, a public right of way?

Since Richard II's time, apparently.

Then do what Richard II
would have done.

Put a bear trap out for him.
Snap his legs in half.

That'll stop the bugger rambling.

Might be a bit extreme, Ken.

Well, you want something
to put people off,

unless you want to sit out there on
a toadstool with your fishing rod.

Actually, Dad, we're thinking
of starting a petition.

Good luck with that.
What good's a petition gonna do?

Well, it might persuade the council
to step in and reroute it.

The only way you'll persuade
that lot is with a brown envelope.

Why do you think Ralph Norris
has got

a bus shelter
right outside his house?

Did he bribe them? No, I did.

Can't stand the man.

See how he likes having yobbos

smoking and drinking
until the small hours.

You borrow a step ladder from me,
you bring it back.

Oh, right. I'll remember that.

So, who is this couple, anyway?

Well, what difference does it make?

Know your enemy,
that's what Sun Tzu said.

The Art Of War. Fifth century BC.

Chinese military strategist.

Did he have a problem
with ramblers, then?

No sign of Ray and Donna.

I hate this. It's like in Jaws when
the shark disappears,

but you know it's coming back. Yeah,
but they beat the shark in the end.

Don't think they used a petition.

They shoved a scuba tank in its gob
and blew it up.

Well, always good to have a Plan B.

(SIGHS)

(ENGINE STARTS)

(RECORDERS PLAYING) # Frere Jacques
How come their vegetables grow?

They probably water them
with unicorn milk (!)

Looking forward to Friday?
Two hours!

I'd rather go
to a dentist's drill-a-thon.

(RECORDER PLAYING CONTINUES)

(CLAPPING)

MATT: Bravo, maestros. Well played.

Oh, hello. That's good timing.

Come on in and listen to Silas
and Pipps. They are getting better.

No, it's OK. We heard it.

Yeah, it was great.

Actually,
we've got a bit of a favour to ask.

Well, come on in.

Oh, shoes, shoes.

I mean, obviously we'd like to help
you out.

But, if it is a right of way...

You see, we approve of people
using the countryside.

We're not talking about the
countryside. This is our garden.

We don't want it full of strangers.

Why don't you make a virtue
out of it? Sell refreshments.

Yes, you could set up
a little stall.

You know, homemade cakes.
Old-fashioned lemonade.

Elderflower cordial. Meena makes
a lovely elderflower cordial.

I could give you the recipe.
Yeah, thanks,

but we don't want to attract them,
we want them to go away.

I'm really sorry.

I don't think
we can put our names to this.

Oh, come on.
We signed your sponsorship form.

I know, and we're really grateful.
It is for a good cause.

So is this, keeping creeps
and weirdos and God knows who

from walking through our garden.

The thing is, Steve, a right of way
is there for a reason.

It dates back hundreds of years.
So does burning witches.

It doesn't mean we should
still do that now.

Are there witches here?
Well, you never know.

Will they make me eat
a poison apple?

Oh, they'll do worse than that.

There was this one witch -
Thank you, Steve.

That's not very helpful.

(SIGHS)

Would anyone like
an oatmeal crunch?

You still shouldn't have mentioned
witches. They'll have nightmares.

Well, they can always ward them off
by playing their recorders.

(CHUCKLES) You sure you don't want
to come and see Grizzo?

I've had enough childish musicians
for one day.

Gonna take one of these to the
shops, see if I can leave it there.

See you later. See you later.

(HUMS)

Oh, hi, Steve. How's it going?

Yeah, great. Erm, I was wondering...

(HUMS)

Sorry, is everything all right?

Yeah, fine. You all right?

Yeah. Er, what it is,
we've got a bit of a problem with...

Sorry, what was it you were doing
just then?

You know, the...

Oh, that. EFT. Tapping therapy.

It's amazing. You should try it.

It's all about releasing
negative emotions.

Got all these points. Just gotta
tap them and accept yourself.

Really works.

Oh, good. Erm, is it OK to talk
while you're doing that?

Oh, yeah, crack on.

Erm... (HUMS)

Oh, I wish I could help, mate.

Only, I'm not allowed
to sign anything

unless my manager has seen it.
It's just a petition.

I know, but he made me promise.
I've got into a lot of trouble.

How would you like it if strangers
started walking through your garden?

Wouldn't really bother me,
to be honest.

Manager might get a bit twitchy.
Bring in some security.

Been banging on about it since
Monaco. What happened there?

Some Japanese girl attacked our
drummer with a giant chess piece.

Rook, I think it was.
Or was it a knight?

No, wait. What's the one
that goes diagonally?

Bishop? That's it, yeah.

Anyway... (GRUNTS) ..lumped him
over the head with it.

Can't be too careful.

There's a lot of people out there
with problems.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(HUMS)

Are you ready, Donna? Just coming.
Have you got everything?

Yes...

..I have.

This'll teach you.

(GRUNTS)
That's it, Donna, hold it steady.

(BANGING)

What are you doing?

I should have thought
that was obvious.

We're marking a public
right of way.

So that others might enjoy it,
as is their right.

It's just pointing straight
to our house.

That's the direction it goes in.

Now, if you wouldn't mind making
sure that the sign is maintained,

so that the wording is clearly
visible from the road...

Yes, I would mind. I don't want
people strolling through our garden.

Why have you got such a problem
with walkers?

Walkers?
You haven't even walked here.

You've just driven here to put up
a sign about walking.

Can't you see how unreasonable
that is?

YOU are being unreasonable.
This is a public right of way.

And a public right of way should be
clearly marked with a signpost.

Oh, just get lost.
I think that's rather unlikely,

considering we're experienced
hikers.

(CHUCKLES)

Right.

Well, we'll leave you
with your signpost.

Oh, and talking of posts, you might
want to check out my latest blog.

Your garden's in it.

"The ten best walks in Yorkshire"?
We'll be inundated now.

There'll be hundreds of them
rustling around in anoraks,

stinking the place out with
their Scotch eggs and Cup-a-Soups.

It's just a stupid blog.
Who's gonna pay attention to it?

Don't underestimate The Hikemaster.

He's got four and a half thousand
followers.

You make him sound like a cult
leader. Well, that's what he is.

They'll all be camping in the garden,
hanging out their sweaty socks,

singing Mumford & Sons songs
till four in the morning.

Maybe we should take Matt
and Meena's advice, set up a stall.

What, sell them elderflower cordial?

Anything to disguise
the taste of weed killer.

Does he really call himself
"The Hikemaster"?

Yep. "Big Toss Pot" was taken.

Maybe my dad was right.

Can you Google "Bear traps" (?)

Well, what else are we gonna do?

Maybe try tapping therapy.
What the hell's that?

Oh, it's this thing Grizzo is into.
You tap yourself like that.

It releases
all the negative emotions.

What, does it work?
No, of course it doesn't work.

It's just some hippy-dippy tripe
he's picked up in California

and some phoney quack charging him
$200 an hour.

Just to teach him to do that?
Yeah, just that.

$200, please.
I'm in the wrong job.

Hey, I'm gonna go into the village

to see if there's any demand
for tapping therapy.

Eh? It's a petition,
about the right of way.

I just wondered if I could leave it
here for people to sign.

So what's it for? Well, we found
out there's a public right of way.

It goes right through our garden.

We just wanna stop people
from using it.

Gareth! Do we want to stop people
coming through the village?

It's nothing to do with the village.
What?

Just our garden. Do we want to stop
people coming through the village?

Well, considering 34% of our trade

comes from people passing through
the village, no, thank you.

No, tell him it's not the village,
it's just...

Gareth! It's nothing to do
with the village!

It's just our garden. We wanna stop
people walking through it.

You what?

What are you...? What are you doing?

No, you've been misinformed.

Does this look like one of
the ten best walks in Yorkshire?

Well, I'll leave it with you
and maybe come back tomorrow.

Oh, yeah,
were you closed yesterday?

Family outing. Oh, nice.

Our Bronson were in court again.

Right. Hope that went OK.

Will you sign this
for t'local hospital?

Sponsored recorderthon.

Oh, I've already sponsored them.

That's what they all say.

Oh, no, I really have.

They say that and all.

OK.

Ray and Donna,
care of the White Horse.

Do you know this couple?
They're ramblers,

staying at the White Horse
in Branthwaite.

Actually, it's fine.

Hi, Dad. Remember what you said
about "Know your enemy"?

You don't fancy meeting
for a sandwich, do you?

White Horse?

All right.

# ERIC CLAPTON: Ramblin' On My Mind

# I got rambling

# I got rambling all on my mind

# I got rambling

Thank you very much.

# I got rambling all on my mind

(LAUGHTER AND INDISTINCT CHATTER)

# Hate to leave you here, babe

# But you treat me so unkind

# I got mean things

# I got mean things
all on my mind #

One of them was taking a photo
of himself in front of the house.

Our house. Well, yeah. Then he got
all shirty when I told him what he
could do with his selfie stick.

Did he? Anyway - Then I actually
caught this German couple

filling their bottles
from the outside tap

and that is definitely
not on the footpath.

Steve, I wouldn't worry about it.
What do you mean?

That tap is on a meter.
If they all start doing that -

I mean,
it isn't gonna be a problem.

I found out some very interesting
information about the Hikemaster.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Turns out Ray and Donna are staying
at the White Horse in Branthwaite.

So, what? Arson?

My dad knows the landlord.

He's very discreet
about his customers.

At least he was,
until the third pint.

Turns out that Ray is
a head teacher.

(SCOFFS) That figures.
And his surname is Frobisher.

What, so...
Go and look him up.

Teacher...

Over to you, Chief Inspector Google.

Oh!

Hello, Ray.

And that's... Exactly.

Who's a naughty boy, then?

Could you bring me the hammer,
Donna?

Morning, Ray. Morning, Donna.
Morning.

Your signpost seems to have
fallen down.

Really? Oh, dear.
I wonder how that happened.

Yes, so do I. A public footpath
should be clearly marked.

You're right, Donna.
The signpost should be there.

Some people think it is there,
but, in fact, it's not.

Mm. Yeah, a bit like you
and the head teacher's conference.

Isn't that right, sir?

I-I don't know what you mean.

Maybe I should make an appointment

with your secretary
and explain it to her.

They seem to know a lot about us.

Thank you, Donna.
I am aware of the situation.

Headmaster tells his wife
he's going to a conference,

but he's going to a bed
and breakfast with his secretary!

I think that's the sort of story

a local newspaper might be
interested in, don't you, Steve?

Like the Peterborough Gazette?

Yes, I think they might be
very interested, Nicky.

All right, all right. You win.
We're going.

Yeah, and you can write another one
of your blogs explaining

that you made a mistake about this
being a right of way. Yes, yes.

It's a horrible place anyway.

I'm surprised you keep coming back.

Yeah. Who was it
you brought last year, Ray?

Ray?
Tall, ginger hair, apparently.

Maybe one of the teachers.

Was it Susan?

You pig!

Ooh! (GRUNTS) Donna!

Donna!
(ENGINE STARTS)

Donna!

Donna!
Enjoy your walk!

Donna!

(GIGGLES)

Donna!

Ah, things are looking up for once.

You've forgotten about tonight,
then.

(RECORDERS PLAYING)
# Frere Jacques

(SCREECHING NOTES)

(PLAYING OUT OF TUNE)

(I don't think Nicky and Steve
are very musical.)

(No sense of rhythm.)

(SHRILL RECORDER MUSIC CONTINUES)

subtitles by Deluxe