Original subtitles

Gloss

They walked through a field.

The spring air smelled sweetly of manure.

Brezhnev bent over,

sniffed some excrement and closed his eyes.

"How I love that smell!"

He said dreamily.

"I prefer human shit," Voltaire scoffed.

"You forget my lessons, my friend. But I forgive you!

In the forest, my hairy friend,

other pleasures await us, "Voltaire continued.

"I have a surprise for you,"

Voltaire whispered in his pupil's ear.

"A surprise?" Brezhnev's eyes flashed.

"Not many things

can surprise the leader of the biggest party in Europe."

Voltaire interrupted him: "The USSR is not Europe!

And that has nothing to do with our conversation about excrement."

You hear that? Yes, I hear you!

"You're so fickle.

You taught me that human shit is food

and animal shit is aromatic!"

Brezhnev angrily clenched his fist; his fingers oozed brown goo.

"That's just dogma.

You'll learn that disproving dogma is one of life's great pleasures."

Voltaire pinched his hairy ass.

Voltaire put his arm around Brezhnev: Sheep await us.

"Loving sheep is civilized man's greatest aspiration."

"Thank you, comrade," Brezhnev answered.

The sun set beyond the forest. The end.

There! Now, that's real writing!

You like that? It's fabulous!

It's shit

What do you know about literature?

Profanity is cheap. Elevators are covered in it.

You're a seamstress from Rostov

You know who he is?

A celebrity! Always in the news!

The great Russian post-modernist.

And he earns a bundle!

Listen up, girls! Who read the paper today?

Someone declared war?

Better!

Who is that?

Can you read?

Is that Galya? I don't think so.

Look at this, girls!

Is that you? Let me see.

What did I tell you?

It's you, Galya!

Can't you tell?

"A Lion in the Year of the Tiger. "Pretty sassy!

We wanted to be poetic.

You're so different! Watch out, Galya!

Those stockings! They look like Dolce e Gabbana

for $60. I paid 29 roubles.

A slut now, huh? Your mom will be happy!

Rake me over with mom! (UNCLEAR)

We'll do that!

Give me that! - It's not her!

Yes it is! Ask him!

What's he know?

Wait a minute! Who's the best photographer in town?

Take my picture!

No computer could fix a nude photo of you.

Valera, this is so cool. Why didn't you say you sent it?

I wasn't sure they'd print it.

You're a star now!

Yeah. Big star.

Let's toast your success! The bottle's on you!

Great idea! Be right back!

What's going on here? Who said you could stop working?

Look at the kind of girls who work for you!

I know all about it. I've got my own copy.

Come on, Sokolova, I want an autograph!

Knock it off, Gennady!

Whose joking? Sign here!

Do it! Do it!

Write, "To my production boss Gennady lpatov.

From Galya, With love!"

Your wife won't be jealous?

And date it!

Don't lose it!

So, girls. Are you envious?

Not at all. We're thrilled!

She's thrilled.

Will you give me your autograph? I'll buy a copy on break.

Come on, I'll sign for everybody.

All right. Autograph session's over. Back to work!

I hit every newsstand. Maybe some champagne?

You don't drink before a mission.

Now there's a real man!

I can't stand him. What piercing eyes!

You know nothing about men! Oh, you're the expert!

But I sure wouldn't sleep with your Vitya.

I don't anymore either. We're friends now.

Brotherly love, is it? That brother will have your hide.

Knock it off. I need money. At least $2,000.

You serious about Moscow?

I sure am. Strike while the iron's hot.

That slob won't help.

Yes he will. He loves me. I can pay back later.

You're so naive! As if Moscow is waiting for you!

Why not?

With my looks,

my energy and my charm,

I'm no worse than any star

or some other skin and bones!

You think $2,000 makes a star?

To be a star, man, that takes -

You have no say. Huge teams do it.

PR, a whole corrupt system.

You need a corporation behind you.

It takes hundreds of thousands!

And anyway -

Zhanna, you come too!

No. First I'll write a bestseller. And then -

I'm only thinking of you!

This one's a lot better.

Not too bad, either.

"Pleasure is wherever I am!"

I cried at "Titanic. "A really great flick.

I felt bad for the ship but the actors were shit.

Funny, huh?

Hi, Vitya!

I've seen it.

Want my autograph?

I'll cut off your photographer's balls. The sleaze.

What's wrong?

What isn't? You're better in reality!

Wild!

So? The sauna or my place?

Hands! Hands off!

I've been jerking off for two months.

Vitya! Can we talk?

After I go collect a debt.

Wait here. I'll be right back.

What's up? He's home.

Alone?

For two hours. His family's at the pool.

He's home, I said

Beer always makes me piss buckets.

Holding it is bad for the prostate.

Don't kill me! I'll pay! But I'm broke right now!

$300.

That's all I have!

Pay the doctor with it. What do you mean?

You'll get it now.

You were warned, you Kike. Leave our governor alone.

But you wrote again.

So that's who you are! Scum!

I'll publish it all! I've got more evidence.

Is that so, Jewboy?

You wait. Next time I'll cut off your fingers!

No! No more typing for you.

And I'll shove a hot rod up your ass! To get you on track!

I'll write that too!

Animals!

Where do these weasels come from?

Wait! You'll kill him!

He called me an animal!

The boss said scare him.

You believe that? People are so damn testy these days.

He called me an animal,

my whole day's ruined!

Let's get outta here!

This is for the orphans.

I often wonder, is there sex on other planets?

Little joke there.

So, did you miss me? Let me cheer you up

Leave me alone! Let go! Let go, I said!

Bad breath? But I use Colgate.

You're breath is fine. I need to talk.

All right. So, then let's talk.

Move back in with me.

We talked about that. No. What's that scratch?

Pinched myself in the elevator.

I love you, Galya! I'll even marry you!

I can't, lovebug. You're not my type.

What do I lack? I have an apartment and a car.

I buy you furs and trips to Turkey.

You're so good, Vitya.

But I can't watch boxing on TV my whole life.

I have other plans.

What? Just say what.

I'm leaving, Vitya. For Moscow.

I need money for the trip.

What?

You heard. I'm going to Moscow. I'll pay you back.

Who cares about you there?

Nobody. But I'm going to Moscow.

Maybe I'll be a model or go into business.

Who's your sugar daddy? Who are you bangin'?

Cut it out!

Gimme that! What's his damn number?

Gimme that back! Give it here!

Who is this jerk in glasses?

It's my uncle, dammit!

The fag's dead. I'll kill him, you watch!

Short on money?

You're short on brains! And too old to wiggle your ass.

You've got one leg too short!

Look at yourself, Tom Cruise!

Galya -

Where's my mirror?

Let's let this blow over and go for a ride.

Want music?

Go find somebody with two equal legs! Asshole!

Forget you ever knew me!

I wonder if men in Moscow are such creeps?

Mom, I'm going. Say goodbye.

I said goodbye long ago.

I'm going to Moscow.

Why not

those Emirates? Whores there make better money.

You're really something!

I brought you some money.

Oh, did you?

How about you chop the wood and milk the goat, you slut?

I'll die before I milk your goat!

Here's $300.

Shove your $300!

Sweetie pie! Crawl back in your hole!

Dad!

Don't touch him! He's on a bender!

Go, girl! Get outta here! I wish I could!

You get back in there!

And you go back where you've been! Get out!

Stubborn bitch!

You gimme that money now.

Get in the house! Now he wants money!

Go on, you old coot. Or I'll kill you!

She's nuts!

Who is this?

Guess what they offered us to publish these?

I can imagine.

Her husband owns half of Siberia. How much?

$500,000.

We'll discuss that later. Who's in "Celebrities"?

I won't print that faggot.

He's not gay! I don't mean gay.

I mean a cunt and a bitch. He's on my black list.

Then let's say that.

I don't print trash, honey. Only what's squeaky-clean.

He's an unmentionable. I refuse to publicize him.

That's decided. What's on the cover?

The jewelry issue? Yes.

This is the cover?

It's the planned cover.

Who planned it?

It was Nastya.

She may be my daughter but she isn't in charge!

Mom!

Mom what? You're still a freshman! Who shot this?

Gleb. He's outside.

Call him in. Wait a minute!

What is this? Tits or an ass?

Who cares? In fact it's a Boucheron.

354 carats. It costs a small fighter jet.

It's hideous! What do you think?

Why ask them? They forgot how to think.

They belong in "Sunset" magazine.

That's insolence!

Clear the room!

Where are you going!

Me? I'm meeting the editor of "Beauty."

She's expecting you? Yes!

Your name, please. Sokolova.

You're not listed.

Impossible! Look again!

You can't go up there without a pass!

Mother dear! You are out of date! The world has changed!

The hottest stuff in London is chopped-up corpses

and sculptures of shit.

Disgusting!

So what! It's cool. It's hot!

And you know what it costs?

A lot, I suppose.

You just don't get it.

But you want to attract smart readers!

You don't get it!

Smart people don't read glossies. They publish them.

Enough. You taught me to be a bitch.

So, I quit! Go on! Get out!

Clear outta here. Be my guest! But just remember:

It's my magazine made in my image.

I say what's cool and what's not!

Let's forget your image, Mom.

But your magazine's crap.

Come back here, Nastya!

Gleb, come in, please.

Yarik, on the double!

Oh, come on. Let me in.

Don't push me, young lady.

Why so formal? Want a bun?

Here, take it!

Get me a taxi, asshole!

Where's the bathroom here?

"Beauty" offices, 7th floor. Go left.

Thank you!

Do you call this cool?

Whatever shocks is cool. Whatever's cool sells.

It may be original. But it's wrong for my magazine.

I bet Nastya you would hate it.

We had a fight.

She's just like her mother.

No, she's smarter than me.

But not prettier! That was long ago.

She hung up on me.

Go on, make a move. She's between boyfriends.

How about moving on mom?

How would you do it?

An evening out to a Bollywood film.

You like Indian movies?

Excuse me, where is editorial?

Go left.

Is this editorial? Further down.

Not one more word about him. He's a faggot, I tell you.

Excuse me. Speak up!

I'd like to see the editor, please.

Marina Yuryevna? Exactly!

What about?

I don't know how to put this.

Her, uh,

grandma died in Rostov.

Her grandmother?

You didn't know? 97 years old. Fit as a fiddle.

A really fine woman.

The whole village was at the funeral.

Marina was named after her.

Is that so?

They asked me to bring these things.

I believe you. All right.

Light as a baby. Are you a pedophile?

I love kids. But not to that degree!

I hope I'm not interrupting.

Uh, who are you -

I can wait, Marina Yuryevna!

Who are you?

Galya Sokolova. From Rostov.

Very, uh... Who let you in?

I have some gifts. Some crayfish.

Fresh caught. Just boil them, add dill and laurel

and salt to taste. I can do it for you.

And I have some local handicrafts for you.

A box to keep jewelry in, or letters.

I see. Is that you?

Yes. Like it?

Oh yes. Who let you in here?

Our photographer is really great.

I told him he'd be a big hit in Moscow.

He doesn't believe me, but I say he's wrong.

Me, I'll pose only for "Beauty"!

Calm down, child. Collect your things.

And go home, now. Don't waste your time here.

You don't know me!

I have Cossack blood! I don't give up!

All right. A few minutes then. Come look in the mirror.

What do you think? Can you make it in Moscow with that face?

Of course!

Are you a total idiot? Do you know who cover girls are?

Women who sacrifice their life and honor

to become stars.

They always sleep with the right people. And stab their rivals in the back.

They're celebrities.

Why am I wasting time on you?

There's 2 kinds of beauty. You don't have either.

No ass. No tits.

Skin and bones! You look like a mutt!

Your dress is a Dolce Gabbana. I bet it cost $500.

You don't get it.

One brow is too low. You're cross-eyed. Your nose is crooked.

You want to hear more?

You're an old hag, too. But still making moves.

Why, you slut!

This happens every day!

Sveta!

You called? Who let this urchin in?

She said your grandmother -

I want the doorman fired! Now! Yes ma'am!

Get me a car! Damn girl made me late!

Don't worry. I'll drive you.

What's he like? Cute?

He was stuck on me for ages. I paid him no attention.

Then I look in "Forbes."

He's one of Russia's richest men!

You know, I wanted him instantly.

It's true what they say: Money for a woman is like, uh,

Viagra for a man. So arousing!

What's he do?

He manipulates pension funds

or controls some church business.

He has a posh home in Moscow

and he won't get away from me now.

I'm pregnant.

Yeah, so, I've earned my 50 million.

"Come alive with Pepsi," huh?

Envy me, envy me! Feel free!

Hey doll!

Listen, doll,

I'll be gone a few hours. I can't help it.

Just a few hours. I miss you already!

What about me?

Listen, where'd she come from?

Is this your sister?

No, just classmates. Everybody called us sisters

Yeah? You're like twins.

Oh, we're very different!

In what way? What way?

In every way.

I never had sex with twins.

But I've got to go.

You stay here, cutie. I'll be back soon!

Careful! Sex with twins damages the nervous system!

Yeah, I hear you! What a slut you are!

You always were. You just throw yourself at them.

Jean, s'il vous plait.

Oh, come on! I like to piss you off

He's cute. But not my type.

You coming tonight?

Can mom come?

Sure. If she wants.

She loves to schmooze.

I'll drag her out of bed for a meeting like this.

She's having an affair. Very touching.

They even fuck on the beach.

Is he rich?

Rich?! Mom's a romantic.

A photographer. Cute and young.

Men are the only topic we agree on.

We both love brute simplicity.

We lesbians don't get that!

Give me another kiss.

I'm sorry -

Marina, my God -

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Want some tea? Okay.

No milk. Sorry.

Mom. What's the big deal? I wanted to piss you off.

It's all right.

How much longer, Mark?

Whatever it takes. I pay your agent by the day.

Come on, look at this!

The petals should be scattered randomly, not piled on!

The cloth is too thick and soft.

Then change it! Use organdie!

What color?

Check the sketch! Are you blind?

Is this a seam? It's not finished.

It's almost rehearsal time!

Do I wear the lilac? Wear everything, honeys!

Faster, faster!

It's not just practice? All-day practice.

Mark, look at this.

Who did these buttonholes?

Um, I can fix them.

You new? I've been here 3 weeks.

Listen up, everyone! Here's how you make buttonholes!

Only Yosi Yamomoto does this in Yokohama.

Your name? Galya.

Good girl, Galya. You're a find.

I don't want to lose you.

My shoes are too tight!

Then clip your toes once a week!

Stop! Stop!

Stop!

Sveta, Nadya, everybody else!

I told you, green goes third!

It's not ready yet.

The deadline was yesterday! Put it on as is!

You said we start with blue.

I changed it.

Maybe you could share your great ideas with me?

Who's directing, here? The opening music is set in blue!

Do you have perfect pitch?

Yes I do!

Let's go, girls! Music!

What the hell is that?

Now what's wrong?

Stop the music! Hey you, ponytail!

What's your name? Ingeborge.

Listen, Inga. What gives?

You do.

No, you do when you give head. Now, get this everybody:

The catwalk is inhabited by aliens from another world!

Aelita alone in the universe!

Without feelings, and so merciless,

indifferent to all human suffering.

She scorns emotion, male devotion

and lesbians of any kind. Got that?

Have you read "Aelita"?

How do you know Tolstoy? You only read price lists!

I have a question.

Do you give head in the eye or the mouth?

Very funny.

Faster!

Galya, rip this out! Okay!

Be right there!

I didn't fuck him last year. He's pissed.

Oh, just do what he asks. Wiggle your hips.

Look who's talking.

Who's smoking?

I am.

Oh, sorry. Go ahead.

What's wrong?

Ingeborge left. Said somebody was rude.

Dammit, Sveta!

Find someone else! I want to see this from beginning to end!

What a madhouse!

There's always something.

Don't worry! We'll wait!

Shoulders steady!

Don't smile!

Who's this pixie?

What are you doing?

Looking at you.

Look out there. Who are you smiling at?

You.

Smile when you suck me off!

Quit smiling!

Can I have your autograph?

Get outta here!

Don't ruin her, Fedya. She's my favorite model.

How do all these awful broads end up in Moscow?

You putz, Fedya!

That's my seamstress. Makes the best buttonholes in town!

Very funny.

I'll do it myself!

We're redoing the music! Get over here!

What do you think?

Real pretty. And you?

You're a year late. This was great for last fall.

But everything changed in spring.

What do you mean?

We can't sell this

Why not? It's not trendy.

I set trends!

He's the designer.

Mark, things move in cycles.

Revolutions, menstruation, erections as well as fashion.

If you're not artist enough to hop on the new wave

faster than others, the wave will swallow

your surfboard.

And people smarter than you will surf happily

into the embraces of eager investors.

In short, an artist of genius knows what sells.

Remember Pasternak? "Artist, don't give in to sleep!"

Picasso, Dali and Rauschenberg were great PR men! Marketing geniuses.

Get to the point, Stasis!

It's like this: If it doesn't sell, it isn't art!

Brilliant!

Mikula Selyanovich,

my fee's too high for me not to be a genius.

I'll jot that down for you.

You want praise? Not from me!

You want to sell the whole shebang, the whole kit and caboodle

to some Time-Warner Fried Chicken.

And you want big money. Say, 20 million?

I'll take ten!

I don't set prices.

I spent 4 months on this collection!

Do you know how much money I spent, Mark?

What do we do? The show's in 5 days.

You're losing it!

I'm shit.

I'm a pitiful fraud!

No, Mark!

But you blinked and missed the onset

We're under attack from Hugo Boss and his goons. There's no fighting it.

Anyway, everything's coming up Coca-Cola.

So, what do we do?

Use your old stylists -

Jamais! Those guys are a fucking zoo!

Exactly!

Fashion is dead. They want zoos and scandals.

Fire half the girls. Hire musclemen.

Turn things inside-out.

New logo. A new logo is crucial. Foreign and shocking.

Irritate people.

Make 'em shake, shudder and barf!

Can I do that?

Of course! You're a genius!

OK. I'm outta here. Mark.

You do it, Mark.

Don't worry, Mikola. Everything's coming up Coca-Cola.

Need a lift to Vegas?

Where did you come from? What are you doing?

Waiting. To butcher your boyfriend.

What a jerk! Who said I was here?

Zhanna did. Get in!

Come on, get in!

Where are you headed? The grocery store.

I thought you'd have shrimp and beer for me at home.

Just kidding. But you're in no joking mood.

We have a show tomorrow. We work all night long.

They treat you like wetbacks.

You making a buck-and-a-half a day?

I earn what I get.

What's new at home? Main St. All dug up?

All dug up. They're building a pedestrian zone.

That's great. How are you?

Moving right along.

We got a seat in the senate. So we'll be in Moscow a lot.

Listen, Vitya, I'll pay your money back.

A little later, okay?

Yeah, tell me about it. What are you crying for?

Who, me?

I'll have you know

I can walk the catwalk like a real model.

I can give an icy stare and stretch my legs out long.

The director called me a pixie.

Your director is dead meat.

This isn't Rostov. He's hot stuff.

Fit for a body bag.

Look! He's pouting! Don't go pop!

He's a star. His face is on every billboard in Moscow!

Very smart. Quotes "Aelita"!

Let 'em exploit you. Such a supermodel!

That director never saw anything like you!

One leg too short and a face like a truck grill.

Oh, the shit's flowing now.

I wondered if it was you. I never change!

It's you who wants to fart sweet. Little Aelita!

You guys'll fly from a roof doing it 69!

Stop the car, ass.

Not black! I said, pink! I look like a corpse.

Mark gave the order.

That's fresh art. Keep moving.

They take cash only.

Are they crazy?

Mark, I say we rip out this lining.

Good idea! Do it!

These shoes are too big! It's your fault if I break my neck.

That's why your agent buys insurance, honey.

Where in the hell have you been?

Pass me a drink!

Hold still or I'll stick you!

Is everything ready?

Raise that boom!

It's not my style. But I kind of like it.

Stasis is right. Everything you do is beautiful.

I'll go greet the guests.

You can't imagine what a risk this is, Mikola.

My name's on the line.

Big deal, your name. They won't shoot you. Look what I'm risking!

No, no. I paid everybody cash. Don't hand out anything more.

Damn. I almost forgot. Do you have someone named Sokolova?

What Sokolova? Jesus Christ.

A seamstress or something.

You mean Galya? That's it! Sokolova!

Put her on the catwalk today.

She's not a model!

A bro asked the favor.

You want the cleaning lady too?

What's your problem? It's a favor.

They'll laugh us out of here.

I'll murder anyone who tries!

No way!

Sure, you're the artist. I can't force you.

Some things I just can't do!

Forget it, then! My mistake for promising.

I bragged you'd do anything for me. Sorry I was wrong.

Galya! Yes sir!

Whose dresses did you wear? Inga's.

Put them on. Five?

No, three.

Tell them to fix your hair!

Who does hair? /Rafael.

Tell him Galya's on. What's that look?

Instead of who? Ingeborge!

Thank you. Don't thank me.

Is this okay?

Fine. Fine. A little lower.

That's my idea.

Quick. Everyone's ready.

Hey, do I know you?

Yeah. I'm a model.

That's my rack.

I'm on in your place. Ask Varya.

Mark said so. Bitch.

Psycho.

What's this? A hat.

Push it higher. Hands off!

Let go of me!

Where did she come from?

Let go, dammit!

Mark, it's fabulous! A monstrous success!

Knock it off!

You didn't trust me! Get out there!

Take your bows! Take your bows!

Thanks for doing the favor.

You made some very useful people happy.

Go take your bows!

Oh, my God!

Malevich's? Black Square? Is a denial of painting.

My show is a denial of all fashion.

The catwalk is a circus.

I'll strip models and smear them like children in their own poo.

Young lady, would you pass that dish?

Marvelous! Marvelous!

Have some vodka!

Thank you. Hits the spot!

They drink this in the Kremlin. Oh?!

No one drinks in the Kremlin.

They clink glasses.

To your triumph!

Fabulous! What a genius!

I liked some of it.

Gloss is always classy. It glitters and embellishes our lives.

And so every person makes his own destiny.

Are you the one who fell so charmingly?

You noticed? Yes!

It was perfect. Sublime.

So polished. It just happened.

Don't disappoint me! Say it was on purpose!

Hello. Hello. Finally found you.

Sorry about yesterday. I was tired.

Forget it!

Nice bouquet.

Just the bouquet? Meaning?

Nothing. Just testing rumors.

Why don't we get outta here?

I'm a victim and a total fan of this glossy, glamorous lifestyle

simply because there is nothing sweeter

than wasting your life so pathetically!

You know, you will never escape me.

Oh, lovebug. But you're not my type.

You don't get it, do you? I twisted his arm.

Who?

Your boss. I leaned on the right people.

But you really were the best one up there.

Leaned on who? Cut the questions.

You didn't even kiss me. How ungrateful!

I can't look at other women after you.

I tried forgetting. It didn't work.

I'd do anything for you. You name it.

Gimme a kiss. Come on.

Vitya, I was thinking -

What? Don't think. Kiss me.

Vitya. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Stop, okay?

Why is it you always jump out of cars?

Shut the door!

Did you see this?

And this? No one ever shit on me like this!

"100% shit!" You guaranteed good reviews!

Fuckers. I'll twist their necks. Get me names.

I'll vaporize these assholes!

Forget it. Nobody reads these country bumpkins.

Why did I listen to you?

You know how much I paid that PR man?

Quit reading that crap, Mark.

Sign up the Jap quick before he reads this.

We can wait on Japan.

It wasn't enough to kill my reputation. You had to bankrupt me!

Quit smoking! I hate that stench!

Well, aren't we finicky?

Smoke in the hall!

New York is calling.

Your next collection will be skinheads and Che Guevara.

There won't be another.

Mark!

I've had it! I always do what others want!

You make money off me not me off of you!

And this guy plays the prophet!

You oughta kiss my feet!

Think you're Lagerfeld! The days are gone

when you dress some dumb Miss Piggy in the Kremlin

and become a star!

Mark, calm down.

I'm in control.

"There's beauty even in a piece of shit!"

Thank you so much, Mark!

Just who I want to see.

Did you like me?

You're fired. Good-bye.

What -

Your thugs can kill me. But you don't work here now.

Why?

Because one leg is too short!

That's not true!

Get out of my life! I don't want to see you again!

You got that?

What did I say?

Clothes International wants to negotiate for the whole collection.

That's a huge corporation.

How much?

It won't buy Beckham. But I get 10%.

How much?

Ten mill.

Get that moron in here.

Girls, where is Mark?

He left.

Look who's here!

Hello! Hello and good-bye.

You going?

The boss fired me. And yelled at me.

He does that.

Is Mark there?

Have him come see me. Immediately.

The best thing of all yesterday was when you stumbled.

So what's next?

Something will come up.

I won't go home.

You're not from Moscow?

From Rostov.

You're kidding. I thought I knew the accent.

I hung out on Pushkin St.

I cooked in a cafeteria. After graduating.

You're kidding?

Came to Moscow totally broke.

Spent a year in a train station cafe. Cleared out my thoughts.

Now here I am.

That's amazing!

I was in the right place at the right time. That's the key.

Yeah, Rostov turns out talent.

Is that a Gabus?

White gold. Sapphire glass. Louisiana crocodile.

For the man who knows style in watches.

8 thousand.

Smart girl.

I've got a friend needs a maid.

Ironing, washing, cooking.

I'm not in Moscow to mop floors.

Straight to the top, huh?

The competition is tough here.

First stand in line. And the line is long.

That's all right. I'm stubborn. I'll have my way.

We Cossacks are tough people.

I'll do anything.

Or maybe not. You won't mop floors.

I can mop floors in Rostov.

Depends on whose floors. Some floors are to die for.

Turn!

Fine.

This is a modeling agency?

A very special one.

Sounds to me like a whorehouse, not a modeling agency.

Excuse me?

A plane full of girls sent to entertain businessmen in Monaco

sounds like a traveling whorehouse.

Porno and sex is another thing. That's not what I sell.

There's the boss. I'll introduce you.

I don't care if they fuck or not.

Erroll Garner -

they don't play him anymore. Shoo!

I sell wrappings. Only the exterior interests me.

Do you throw parties for moguls?

Courchevel, Antigua, Sardinia?

I attend them. Fashion is where I am.

January 1 to 15 in Courchevel.

Redo that one!

St. Tropez in August. Milan Fashion Week.

November in Tokyo.

The gas summit in Nice and then the WEF in Davos.

Over the last 20 years

I've collected the richest Russians.

What counts is looks!

A good-looking girl is not just a girl:

She's a commodity.

Have you seen uncut diamonds? Nope.

A little gray rock. Then a jeweller goes to work.

The rock begins shining and turns into a diamond.

In 20 years I've reached the top of the heap.

I'm a name brand. I made my own company. I sell golden beaver!

I made that up. And I set my own prices.

$10,000 for a date. For an affair, add 20 thou.

And if it's love - 50 thousand more!

I average $70,000 per piece.

We're ready, Petya!

Coming! Sorry, man. Be right back.

OK, girls, you know Sergei.

Let's check our extremities!

Am I in the way? For example,

this shipment goes to Sardinia.

Very big client. An aesthete. Picks girls by their heels.

He likes them pink and tender like a baby's.

If he sees one callous, I've got big problems.

Roxana, you let yourself go again.

I'm just in from Kiev!

Pedicure! "In from Kiev!"

Petya, do you always check them out yourself?

I verify everything personally for the A list moguls.

A list?

A list moguls are worth 2 to 3 billion.

What do you say, girls?

Tomorrow a mini-van takes you to the airport.

You fly Sergei's plane to Sardinia. That's it!

Just billionaires?

Not only. If somebody has 5 or 6 million and wants a wife,

I'll do it for $50,000. Igor!

Petya, I brought you a new charge.

Name's Galya. Dreams of mopping floors.

I'll take your babe. You do capuccino?

What don't I do?

We're ready!

Everybody line up! Line up, everybody!

Quick, girls!

Who's tallest? Who goes to the back?

Come on, who's at the back?

The kitchen.

Whoa, look at that coffee machine! Like in a restaurant.

How do you make capuccino?

No gardener has flowers like mine!

Tell him.

What?

She won't go.

To Lord Gloucester in London?

To London, yes. But I'm a virgin. I can't sleep with him.

He wants to marry you!

Grandpa says "marry first."

"Make him come propose to you."

You want Lord Gloucester to visit Russia

and ask your old grandpa for your hand in marriage?

And you'll be a duchess.

You'll dine on gold dishes with the Queen.

Everybody wants this trip.

Who wants to visit Lord Gloucester?

You said he wants a virgin.

Who's a virgin?

Marina's not a virgin. She said so.

What if the miracle of surgery makes Marina a virgin again?

Okay. Enough.

Collect your damn things and go work

in a supermarket! And tell grandpa he's a goddam fool!

Don't insult him. He's a war veteran.

Change the water every day.

The flowers...? They're delivered.

So there are children here?

Nope.

And don't ever touch the bunny. It's his favorite toy.

So there you are!

I brought you our little beauty.

Give her a cup of tea.

Who's the mogul who likes little rosy heels?

You don't want to know.

We're going now, sir!

Are you?

Grandpa said OK? I convinced her.

Angela, quick give Polina a crew cut.

On the double!

Why a crew cut?

Lord G. Swings both ways but prefers boys.

He picked Polina for her flat chest, wide shoulders and narrow hips.

Just his type.

Your name?

Galya.

We need psychologists.

I can do lots more!

Thanks, Petya. Great interview!

But tell me, who is the mogul who likes rosy heels?

You wanna live to old age? They'd bump us both off.

The Bible says, "Knowledge increases sorrow."

You believe in God? You bet!

Which one?

Two: One Russian, one Jewish.

When they ask, I send them chicks too! Shh! Shh!

I'm going to Moscow and...

Shut up, bitch!

Zoya! It's okay.

Stay back!

Now what?

Call the police?

That's all we need! Zoya, go around the other side.

No.

Do it! It's okay. He's in a fog.

Just go slowly. Here we go.

He's had it! Fedya!

Grab a board! Wave it!

Keep the sucker busy!

Don't worry! He can't see!

Yes he does!

Gimme a sheet! Faster, dammit!

Come on, Fedya! That's it!

Grab him! Zhanna, come here!

...totally naked and they're trapping him.

We tied him up with a sheet.

Then two hefty attendants came and just managed to subdue him.

Once I'm married to an oil rig OR Once

I marry an oil tycoon I'll bring Dad to Moscow.

That's right. How're things?

I learned a lot in 6 months. Only cash interests me now.

Talent's nothing. Money buys all the fame you want.

Now you're talking!

Listen, cool place here.

Don't get any cooler. Want some wine?

Waiter,

a glass of Bordeaux.

Expensive? It's on the house.

The house? I'm on the job.

Listen, what do you do?

It's a gas. We're an elite dating company.

My boss can sell any chick. I'm a manager.

You sell whores?

We make people happy!

Say some big shot works 24/7 and he wants a hot chick.

Where's he find her?

Dates, flowers, courtship, blah, blah.

We collect the information and find him a broad.

In that time he earns $300,000. We take fifty.

$50,000 for a date?

You know how fat these cats are?

Many have a billion or more.

Like that bozo.

What's he do?

Big-time thief. No!

And that's a plastic surgeon with him. Ferrari.

Italian?

Jew. That's a car. Costs half a mill.

We just found him a hot pussy with papers.

You mean a health certificate?

Yeah, right. Proof of virginity. People are crazy here.

They want certified virgins. And the girls keep swarming.

Unbelievable! How do you do it?

Easy. Igor beats the pavement hunting for beauties.

Gets some yo-yos right off the train.

I work them over,

make 'em spill their dreams and desires.

Then I take 'em to the boss. He sets a price

and they go to work.

Looky there there goes a used-up silicone doll.

Looking for a two-bit oilman.

A puffed-up blowfish. Couldn't earn $500 a day!

Wow, a ballet star!

Just a hooker.

That's a gangster's widow over there.

She's loaded. Never comes off the coke.

I'm really impressed. I couldn't do that.

It's no big deal. Everybody has his day. You will too.

Where are you staying?

Nowhere. Can I stay with you?

No. I live with the boss.

You sleep with him?

He's gay. A brute but nice.

Yeah, right. He sells "beavers". He's a pimp! OR "pussies"

Zhanna, there are 3 kinds of people:

Some buy, some sell and some are sold.

Forget it. It won't make you sick forever.

You cleaned my desk again. A little.

And put my bunny away again.

It's dirty!

I won't say this again: Don't touch it, or else!

You know what people say?

We are sinners!

What's the sin? Selling sex and things.

They say you should see a priest.

The one I shipped a couple of chicks to?

They also say you can sell any broad.

That's true.

Absolutely any? Even a plain one?

Plain ones are more work.

If you fix their hair and make them up,

they may not bring a million, but they'll get $500,000.

Sit down!

Or get out! Quit hovering over me!

Can you sell me?

I know it's silly. But we sell some dogs.

No, I can't. I need you myself.

I'm going to marry you!

Just kidding. But 10 years ago I could have.

I've sold much worse.

What's the biopsy for?

Oleg! What's the biopsy for?

I can't make a diagnosis until the tests are in.

Nurse, would you step out?

Then what's the preliminary?

Just suspicions.

What suspicions?

A tumor on the kidneys.

Big?

Size of a walnut. Or bigger.

Malignant?

How long? Have I got long?

Drop the stupid questions and let me work.

Or no. I don't want to know.

Mommy!

Mommy gave me a rouble for ice cream.

But I decided to buy mommy dearest a watermelon.

I bought the biggest one I found

and lugged it all day long.

I was all worn out when I brought it home.

I thought mommy would be happy.

But she stood by the window and cried.

Where's my bunny?

It was on my bed. Where is it now?

I washed it. It's dirty.

That's it! Collect your things and get a new job!

I won't do it again!

I don't want to hear it!

You only understand fists! What a country!

Have it your way!

There's nothing for me here, anyway!

Who needs you?

I have to baby you all the time! Scrub your diapers!

Where's that damn bunny?

As if I'd stay here! Where's that bunny?

It's not much fun selling your whores!

One peep, you're dead!

The end of the line, shithead? GLOSS

You were warned. No names.

Who asked you to talk?

Wanted fame, huh? Waxed eloquent on baby heels?

We'll cool your heels.

But first I'll break your fingers. No more piano for you.

Then I'll shove a soldering gun up your ass.

You'll forget your clients and your own name, too.

What? What's that, prick?

You don't know nothing? Bullshit, fag!

Yeah, bring him in here!

Your hero!

Don't. I lied. He didn't talk.

I got it from other sources.

Other sources? Listen, cunt. Did you fuck with us?

Did he fuck with us?

A girl told me. He didn't do it.

Didn't do it?

I didn't do it!

That's too bad. Roll it back.

Let him play his piano.

Play your piano!

You come with us, scribe.

Play, faggot!

Play or you'll regret it!

Galya!

You here?

Did they hurt you?

I've spent my whole life in fear!

If it wasn't my dad and his gun

it was my mom and her vodka!

I'm always afraid of something!

This guy had the hairiest arms I've ever seen.

Fingers like sausages. Make some coffee!

Coffee!

I've seen worse than that.

A friend and I went to a disco. The men hit only on her.

She comes home around 3 a.m. Her eyes are blank.

She says eight men attacked her but she's lucky.

One guy couldn't get it up. So just seven raped her.

Fuck! I'll fucking destroy you!

Like rosy heels, do you?

I'll have the whole oil industry on your ass!

You'll never get it up again!

Who fucking screwed me?

Roxana. She'll do anything for money.

They're all goddam sluts! They'll all sell anything!

Petya, I peed in my pants. Were you scared?

Scared? Scared of what? I have cancer!

I have cancer of the kidney! Scared!

I could die any day now.

Have some water. Shut up!

That is terrifying!

What's so terrifying?

Everything is.

Hey you! Say what?

You thought I couldn't do it?

Yeah. I know what you thought:

"Break your ass, Misha and see where it gets you!"

But I don't need you! I just take what I want!

If I want it, I take it and it's mine! You hear that?

I've got shitloads of money.

Jets, yachts, bitches!

And I asked you for nothing.

For me you're less than zero.

You know what I want most of all?

To chuck it all to fucking hell!

Watch this!

There's nothing you can do! You can't stop me!

Because I decide for myself.

Come in!

Coffee.

Want lowfat buttermilk?

With honey.

It's me, Misha Klimenko.

I'm begging you, man, find me a wife!

Pay your debts first.

You'll get it with interest!

Put down that phone! I need a family bad!

Leave me fucking alone!

Wire the money, then call!

I'll send $300,000 tomorrow! Plus $300,000 down.

Stop that!

But no more young sluts! Let go! Get away from me!

Someone not so young, but like Grace Kelly.

Do you know what she looks like?

Get your hands off of me!

You moron! I've got a villa in Monte Carlo.

I need a queen!

Grace Kelly!

You drunk?

I'll give you a million. For Grace Kelly I'll give you a mill.

Petya!

Here, take the damn thing!

He's crazy. That was Klimenko.

He'll pay a million for a wife.

But he doesn't want a young one.

So his head and dick gave out. He wants Grace Kelly.

His taste is improving.

I thought he couldn't tell a vagina from an oyster anymore.

Billionaires like him often jump out of windows.

Is he still mining coal?

Dying is no fun.

It would be a change.

Nobody ever offered a million.

Where can I find photos of Grace?

Must be somewhere. Look on the net.

Make all of them blondes.

Petya, I'm done.

Vera won't dye her hair.

I'm blonde already. What's this for?

I'm not saying, sweetie.

You know I'm superstitious.

A little lighter? Of course.

Then it's more.

You can throw all that out.

We'll finish tomorrow. Ciao!

We need thirty-somethings

with a Catherine Deneuve profile.

A Catherine Deneuve profile in Moscow?

Coffee!

What's my take if I find her?

The usual 10%.

Are you fucking crazy?

Brilliant! Gimme a profile!

Hair up! Like that.

Full face. Quit chewing!

Brilliant!

Make her up!

Maybe this one?

No, that's not it.

We need something simple. Something classical.

I've got it - pearls!

Pin your hair up.

Lights out.

Shoot!

What do you say?

Don't move.

Arm still. Stand here.

I can't believe it! Incredible! Fucking incredible!

Any bubbly in the fridge?

Hello? /Petya, it's me.

Howdy. Hello

Got the down payment? Yes.

And the rest? How old is she?

Thirty. But a very hot chick.

If I like her, I pay a million.

It's a deal.

I'm going home.

We're here. I'll be there.

You'll be taken to his home and you'll wait for him there.

Why?

Misha makes everyone wait. He likes to make people nervous.

When you hear steps, go to the window.

When he comes in, turn and say something nice about his house.

Who is he?

A very rich man. Consider yourself very lucky at your age.

If he likes you, you'll be a very rich wife.

Do we have sex?

He might marry you.

The first night?

There may be no second! Are you afraid?

Not at all! Good!

And stop chewing!

Why the hell not?

How many dumb twits live like queens?

I can sleep till noon, too. Have all-day massages.

That's it! I'm getting married!

I'll give him 3 brats and fly 'em to school in London.

And buy my parents an apartment in town. Here in Moscow.

No, in London.

Don't move!

Listen, don't ever do what you don't want.

Petya, what's wrong?

Nothing.

Anything else?

Will Mr. Klimenko come soon? I can't say.

"Everybody talks about beauty, power, money, money."

"But poverty abounds."

What are you doing?

It's just my hands! Let go! Off with your panties. Quick!

You have the wrong idea!

What? Figure it out.

I'm Klimenko! Sorry then.

It's okay.

Excuse me! No problem.

You have a beautiful home!

Just like her!

I buy! Come on over here!

Have a drink. Sit down. Have a drink. To us.

What's your name? Galya.

Pleased to meet you. I'm Misha.

Your health!

I guess you're not ready to play doctor?

You mean go to bed?

Well, yes. You do work for Petya, don't you?

So, nice tits?

They do me fine.

You haven't got any tits!

You're flat as a board!

Have you seen a mirror?

40 years old. Beer belly.

Bloated Mel Gibson!

Better stop drinking!

It's true.

My wife always said so.

You're married?

Was. She was a friend.

Always told me the truth.

I just got in from Brazil. I've got jet lag.

I might keel over.

You can change into pajamas and get into bed.

Wanna see my bed? Big as Churchill's.

I'll stay here.

I won't touch you!

Like brother and sister.

Brothers and sisters don't share beds.

Galya, I'm in here if you change your mind.

Hello there!

"Pleasure is wherever I am!"

Did you forget me?

You shouldn't do that. I'm unforgettable!

Are you ticklish?

Grandpa forgot me in kindergarten once.

I walked home alone.

He gave me piggy-back rides all night! It was fun.

Panties off!

That's right! I once knew a blond boy in glasses.

He was 7, I was 5.

He told me to take off my panties in the restroom.

It was nap-time in kindergarten.

He had this friend. A real bastard.

And so I took off my panties.

Go figure, I was in love with him before that.

His name was Kolya.

Then I feel out of love with Kolya.

O I had to be more careful about panties.

I'll get married and learn to do a striptease

so I can shimmy down a pole. So far it isn't working so good.

Gimme a piggy-back ride!

Please!

Come on!

Want me to give you a piggy-back ride?

I'm really strong.

Want me to? Then get on! I can carry you!

You don't think I can? I can do anything!

Basically, I've got phenomenal talents!

For instance, I can wait forever.

You don't think so?

They used to write novels about women like me!

It's true! Don't you see I'm right out of a novel?

What a beautiful home!

And this cigar in my mouth - a real cunt!

You know what?

I can do anything for love.

You name it!

But where is this fucking love? I probably only loved my mother.

I bought her a watermelon once.

It weighed eight or nine kilos.

There's this truck selling melons.

I picked one as big as a bus. Everybody laughed at me.

People! Where is your compassion?

Now lift up your dress!

I put that melon in a bag and the handles cut my fingers to the bone.

It hurt and it was hot. Then it started raining. I was soaked.

I'm sitting there in the mud on this huge watermelon.

I come home. I think mom will be happy.

And she whacks me in the face!

Whack! Whack!

And I think, "What a fool!" But I never criticized her.

You can't hit kids. They can't answer back!

Whack! Whack! And I think, what a fool you are!

I swear, I'll never hit my kids!

Only please, Lord, give me children!

You got it? Yes.

Did you count it? Yes.

Show me!

Put it in the trunk!

Hey!

You never saw a naked woman?

Yeah.

I said, put it in the trunk! We leave in a half hour.

You're really something in bed! A real wild thing!

I change women twice a day but I never saw the likes of you.

Last 15 years, anyway!

I have to admit I like you. Even with your quirks.

Save the praise for your maid.

Are you jealous?

I don't sleep with maids.

Some goat's milk? It's good for hangovers.

I keep 40 alpine goats for milk.

Can you milk a goat?

Yeah. So what?

I'll bet you can't. You've never seen a goat!

But wait. You're from Rostov?

I'm not from Rostov.

But I'm a senator from a neighboring region.

Oh, great.

That does it.

I guess I'm marrying you.

You're not my type!

And you're not Grace Kelly.

But it'll be hard to find better.

I won't marry you!

What? You won't marry Misha Klimenko?

Fat chance!

I paid a million for you!

Don't worry. I'll give you whatever you want.

Hey, what's wrong? You all right?

I've got to get out. Stop the car. Please.

Stop the car!

What do we do, boss? Shall I go check?

Go look. Maybe she's sick.

Do it! We're late!

You find her?

No, I didn't.

What do you mean?

We're late! Go find her!

She's no good for you, boss!

And if she is, she'll show up herself.

You're scum, Vitya.

But you're right! Misha Klimenko proposed marriage!

She'll come running!

Let's go!

Galya!

Galya!

Galya, it's me!

Galya!

Okay, let's go!

Ladies and Gentlemen! Moscow's Millionaire Fair

will open in ten minutes!

Ladies and Gentlemen! Moscow's Millionaire Fair