Original subtitles

Everybody's coming down for the hunting season, don't you know.

The flea hunt, isn't it?

What are you trying to do? Knock yourself off?

Doc Michel told you this paint'll poison you.

Dude, look. The old lady's had her moments.

This on the emmis? You really got yourself a kid?

Don't sit there slobbering. Answer me. Is this your kid?

- No. - Those crumbs, taking me for a sucker.

- (glass smashes) - Oh!

- My baby! - All right, Annie. Stand up. It's all right.

Dude knows all about it. He's a godfather too.

I don't want you casing the waterfront again.

I was born in a place like this and I don't wanna come back. That's why I need you.

What's all this malarkey about a kid?

She's coming over with a count. She's going to marry his son.

Royalty.

They're coming over to meet me.

Me.

Wait till they get a load of Apple Annie. That'll be a laugh. Eh, Dude?

Wait till they meet her crummy old lady. Eh, Queenie?

And see this dump.

Annie, you can't do this. Come on now, you old souse. Get up out of there.

Take it easy. She's an old souse maybe, but she's full of dreams.

- She's full of gin. Where are the apples? - Here are your lousy apples.

Old fool, getting herself in a jam like this.

Now come on, let's go.

You're acting like Darcey already. You can't leave her.

You want me to tuck her in bed? Sing her a lullaby? Come on.

And her daughter? By the time she gets here, she'll be in a psycho ward.

She'll sleep it off. She'll be all right in the morning. I'll send Dr. Michel. Come on.

What am I going to do, Queenie? What am I going to do?

Poor creep. Some Dude must've gotten in your blood once too.

(Dude) Come on, Queenie! I'm way past post time.

I got troubles, Annie, but boy, you... you need a miracle.

What am I going to do?

(Smiley) What are you gonna do, Mr. Dude?

- About what? - About Miss Annie.

- What do you expect me to do? - You could get her into the Marberry.

Apple Annie in the Marberry? You're crazy.

- Just for a week. - Now listen, Mr. Dude.

We already took up a collection, we did.

We all chipped in 65 bucks to get her in.

You did? Well, 65 bucks is a tip at the Marberry. You're all bats.

- What about your playboy friend? - Rodney Kent.

- He's got a penthouse at the Marberry. - You keep out of this. Move it, Junior.

Annie at the Marberry... I said move it!

His luck is gonna turn awful bad.

Apple, be lucky today.

All you little people in there, you start workin' real hard.

All right. When you get home, call Doc Michel to see Annie.

She'll be all right. She's on a bender, that's all.

Hmm? Ain't it a fact? You've seen her swacked before.

What the hell do I care? I got what I want: the city of New York.

This great big town and those heels that pushed me around, it's all mine now,

stretched right out on a silver platter.

Cos Darcey's come around to my way.

What do I need that old apple souse for anyhow?

You know, they say luck is superstition.

Nah, it ain't superstition at all. You know what it is?

Luck is an art. An art I got.

So I lose the old lady and her apples. So what?

Apple Annie at the Marberry Hotel?

What do you expect me to do, for cryin' out loud?

(clears throat)

Look, will you say something?

Look, will you say something?

OK, Mr. Big Shot. Now keep your date with Darcey.

And no more gin, huh?

Hey, boss. These rich guys use chequers with horses on 'em.

Put that down!

I oughta have my head shrunk, doing this.

You at the Marberry! Why didn't you swipe stationery from the White House?

You could've said you were Eleanor Roosevelt.

- Whom did you wish to see, sir? - Is this here Rodney Kent's igloo?

This is Mr. Kent's penthouse, yes, but unfortunately Mr. Kent is in Havana.

He is? Well, where'd you get the idea that I give a hang where he is?

- I just assumed... - Come over here.

I'm gonna tell you something that'll make you wet all over.

Really?

I don't care anything about Rodney Kent.

I'm lookin' for Dave the Dude.

- Who is that? - He's here, ain't he?

Well... yes.

Well, what are you standin' there for, growin' in the carpet? Take me to him.

Wait here, will you, please?

There is no carpet.

Sir? A gentleman. Rather primitive.

You tryin' to make me crazy? What's goin' on?

Come here, come here.

- Where you been? - Where have I been?

- I've had to do everything myself. - I've been through a meat grinder.

For 24 hours I've been locked up in Little Switz

listening to that seasick gorilla. I'm alibiing like crazy.

- What are you alibiing for? - For you, for not showing up.

So I didn't show up. How'd you leave the big man, hm?

- Headfirst and landed in the gutter. - Good.

Says he won't talk to messenger boys. Says he barbecues them.

- Used the blowtorch, eh? - Says next time I'll be inside the shirt.

Bluffing, Joy Boy. That's his psychology. Pay no attention to him.

- What's this? - Meet the new queen of society.

This is Annie, the Duchess of Apples.

What's your daughter doing in Spain?

Who's her father?

Aw, boss, that ain't a polite question to ask a dame like Annie.

Wait a minute. You tellin' me Rodney Kent gave you his apartment for this owl?

Yeah. He's a bigger sucker than I am. He even threw in the butler.

Not against my will, sir. I love Cinderella stories. Don't you, sir?

Take a walk, huh?

- Junior, what happened to Queenie? - I don't know.

Dave, you gotta forget all this. You gotta meet with Darcey.

That's the deal of a lifetime. That's our living. What is all this?

I don't know. And I don't want you to tell me.

But what are you? A boy scout? Are you a tambourine shaker?

A million do-gooders are standin' in line to help the hardly-ables like Apple Annie.

Stay in there and pitch, sister.

You see, you're Dave the Dude, not Little Boy Blue.

What are you talking about? Little Boy Blue? Come here.

- Ain't she always been lucky for me, huh? - Yeah, yeah.

If I don't help her out of this jam, how long d'you think my luck would last?

You wanna help her? Help her. But you can't palm that crocodile off as society.

She couldn't fool a pedigree cocker spaniel.

- (Dude) We'd have to clean her up some. - Some? Look at her.

A ragpicker wouldn't stick his hook into her.

(door opens)

Well, here they are. The miracle workers.

Here's my maid, manicurist, hairdresser, chiropodist, masseuse,

and the pi�ce de r�sistance, Pierre of the Saxon Plaza. Pierre the divine.

- Take a bow, toots. - Madame.

All right, gang. Here's your challenge.

Come on, Annie. Stand up and meet your makers.

This has got to be a complete overhaul, kids, from top to bottom.

- Don't forget a new set of kidneys. - Let's go, Annie.

Come on, wizards. Let's wiz.

My old lady always said you can't make a pig's ear out of an old sow.

Monsieur, your old lady was not Pierre.

Huh!

- Wait a minute. He can't go in there. - Oh, that's all right.

Believe me, fellas, it's all right.

(door opens)

(butler hums cheerfully)

- Hey, boss, you payin' for all of this? - Fun, eh?

Let's see if we can get it back from the bookies. What's running at Hialeah?

- Here's the morning lineup. - Thanks. Read 'em off to me.

People! Go figure them.

- Scratch 5, 7 and 12. - Right.

(snoring)

(snoring)

It's important that these apples are kept here all the time.

- What's your handle? - Pardon?

- Your name. - It's Hutchings, sir. Hutchings. With a g.

OK, Hutch. This oughta take care of the help for a while. Split it up amongst them.

- They know to keep their mouths shut? - And their ears.

- Told 'em what'd happen if they didn't? - Yes, sir. (imitates machine gun)

- Don't do that, please. - (door opens)

(snoring)

(woman) Oh, my feet. I never wanna see shoes again.

(muttering)

(imitates fanfare)

Gentlemen, may I present Mrs. E Worthington Manville.

(# "March" from "The Nutcracker Suite" by Tchaikovsky)

She's like a cockroach what turned into a butterfly!

Dude,

I'll never forget this.

Never.

God bless you.

Well... You... You could've fooled anybody.

Well, you're gonna need a little walking-around money, so...

here you go.

I guess everything's all set now, huh?

Good luck, Annie.

Joy Boy, Junior, come on.

- How do we contact Little Switz? - They call your apartment every hour.

- We make the next call. - Hey!

- Where do you think you're going? - I did what you wanted, didn't I?

I postponed my wedding a week because you asked me to make a lady out of her.

Don't think you can run off and leave me holding the bag. No offence, Annie.

Look, woman, the Dude has gotta make some bread.

If I can stall my wedding, he can stall his short cut to Sing Sing.

For Pete's sakes, Queenie, what else do you want?

I don't want anything. But what about the husband she's supposed to have?

- Husband? - That's a man who marries a woman.

- Whose husband? - Annie's!

The Honorable E Worthington Shmerthington! Who's gonna dig him up?

Dude?

Louise...

my daughter...

does expect a stepfather.

Well... go get her one.

- Can't you do anything yourself? - Who's she gonna get?

- Shimkey, the blind man? Or Smiley? - You find her one.

You're the one who needs her, Mr. Big, not me.

I got cafeterias. I don't need apples.

The Dude's whole future depends upon this deal. Can you get off his back?

His whole future depends on Annie, and don't you forget it, frog-face.

- You're a troublemaker. - You're a selfish schtoonk!

All right, all right, all right! I'll find her a... a husband.

This is beautiful. All right, Joy Boy, go tell Darcey that the Dude ain't available

cos he's diggin' up a husband for some old souse cos he's nuts about her apples.

Where am I gonna find a husband?

Where am I gonna find a husband? In Macy's basement?

They don't sell 'em there, boss.

(Joy Boy groans)

Yeah.

Me?

You.

I think he'd be just precious!

Oh, that would be a great idea.

There's only one problem.

I got a wife that's very fussy.

She don't like for me to go around marryin' people!

Now, I know that might sound very selfish to you,

but she's very funny that way.

I know his wife. He's right. She's a selfish buffalo.

- Dude? - What?

I got an idea.

What?

I know one real gentleman I'm sure we can trust.

We? Oh, now we're all partners!

You know Judge Blake?

Judge Henry G Blake. That's our man.

When did you ever trust a judge?

For a proposition like this we need a guy with class, with dignity,

a gentleman of the old school, and...

a thief.

Judge Blake, the guy that told you you could shoot pool was yankin' your ankle.

Sucker's ready to bite.

Up in Providence, where I'm out of, an amateur like you would lose his pants.

An excellent argument for never visiting Providence.

I hate to do this to you, Judge, but I got a reputation to keep up.

- And that does it. - Astonishing!

Willie Hoppe couldn't do better.

You pool-hall poltroons.

Once again you lured me into a game with a master, solely for your own amusement.

- You're just warmin' up. Another game? - I came here to slay a somber afternoon,

not to be made sport of by Pecksniffian oafs.

Aw, go on, Judge. It's only a nickel a ball.

What do you say we double the bet one time?

Ten cents a ball? Why, that's a veritable fortune.

- Afraid, huh, Judge? - Afraid?

- I'll make it 50 cents a ball. - OK. You got yourself a deal.

Attendant, rack 'em up.

(laughter)

Hey, Judge.

If you will excuse me, while you break, I'll have a word with an associate justice.

Greetings, my intellectual giant. What brings you down to Kew in lilac-time?

The Dude wants to see you.

Your master's timing is most regrettable, my dear Junior.

- I have a plump pigeon in my sights. - Huh?

Within the hour Providence is going to provide next month's room rent.

- Come on, Your Honor. It's your shot. - By your leave, sir. My pigeon is cooing.

A little shaky, huh, Judge?

My boy, the impatient blade is about to descend...

on your red hick's neck.

- Oho! - (laughter)

- Oho! - (laughter)

That was the bedroom.

Over here, that's the billiard room.

Down here's the guest rooms.

- Pretty classy layout, huh, Judge? - Lovely, lovely.

The beauty of the Taj Mahal, the serenity of Melrose Abbey.

Sir, "If thou wouldst view fair Melrose aright..."

"Go visit it by the pale moonlight."

"For the gay beams of lightsome day Gild, but to flout, the ruins grey."

- Oh, my! - To Scott.

- He'll do. - Yeah.

Judge, think you could force yourself to shack up here for a week?

- Is he for real? - He comes with the coop.

If this is a deal, you get yourself a new set of rags and 100 clams.

What do you expect from me for all this opulence? I'm a poor hand at violence.

You're a lock for this gag. All you gotta do is be a husband.

A husband? Impossible. I'm twice a widower now,

thanks to my fleetness of foot and the grace of distance.

No, you don't have to marry the dame. Just be a husband for one week.

Queenie! Come here a minute, will you?

Judge, you've heard of Queenie Martin, haven't you?

My cup runneth over.

Queenie, meet the judge.

I told you I'd find you a good husband.

Madam, this is a great honor,

a rare experience,

and a pulsating pleasure.

Oh, Your Honor.

Yeah. With a new set of clothes he'll just make it fine.

Thank you. I'll do my best. But at my age the libido is most unpredictable.

Don't worry about that.

- What'd you say? - Your humble servant, madam.

And your eager spouse.

- That's the best offer I've had all day. - No wonder he's drooling.

Listen, you fricasseed Casanova. Not her. You're gonna marry Apple Annie.

- Apple Annie? - Apple Annie.

Even as a jest, Dude, that's an insult.

Junior!

Apple Annie. Preposterous!

A creature of the pavements, a... a... a frowsy hag, with the breath of a dragon.

Sir, despite my larcenous impulses, I am a gentleman.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon, Annie.

Annie?

(Dude) That's Annie.

Apple Annie?

Annie, the judge was just saying how pleased he'll be to be your husband.

Thank you, Judge.

I'm deeply grateful.

The pleasure, I assure you,

dear kind and charming lady,

is entirely mine.

You're all set now, Annie. You got yourself a husband. Now you'll go to the boat.

Yeah. God bless you, Dude. God bless you.

OK.

Joy Boy, let's go.

Sure you don't wanna kill a couple of hours, take some family pictures?

Sir?

Sir!

Sir, pardon me.

I will see that everything is done, sir, notwithstanding my cardiac.

- What? - Oh, you can trust me, sir.

I've had commando training. The Boer War, you know.

I shall need at least a score of your henchmen, very rugged ones.

- A hollow square will hold them. - What are you talking about?

The ship's reporters. They interview the arriving celebrities.

They will want to know from the count why he came to America.

Holy Toledo. I forgot about the reporters.

- Why didn't you think of that? - Why didn't I think of it?

Come on, Junior. We gotta round up the boys. What time does the ship get in?

I hope it sinks.

Take a walk.

(ship's hooter)

(band plays "A Life on the Ocean Wave")

Has she seen the kid yet?

- She's still looking. - She's still looking.

- How do I look? - Beautiful. Like a star.

I can hardly believe it. In a few minutes I'll have my baby in my arms.

- Do you see her yet? - No, not yet.

Dude, stay close to me. I'm so frightened.

At least the boat's on time.

- What about reporters? - I took care of 'em.

The Dude has woven a chain of missing links around us.

(band plays "The Man on the Flying Trapeze")

Hey, look. There's Dave the Dude.

Yeah, with his whole mob.

Let's stick around. I've been waiting ten years to pin something on that Dude.

(ship's hooter)

There she is! There she is! Louise!

Louise! Louise, darling!

Louise! Louise!

Louise!

Louise!

Louise! Louise!

She saw me. She recognized me.

Louise!

Mama! Mama!

Mama!

My baby. My baby.

My Louise.

I can't believe it, after all these years.

Why, you're a grown woman.

- And so beautiful. - Oh, Mama, you are too.

I would've known you anywhere.

What are they doin' now, Sal?

Huggin' and kissin'.

Is she happy?

- She's crying. - She's crying.

I want you to meet Count Alfonso Romero and his son Carlos Romero.

This is my mother.

- How do you do? - Madam.

How do you do?

Darling, this is your stepfather, Judge Manville.

Mother's written me so much about you, Father.

I want you to meet Count Romero and his son Carlos.

- How do you do? - Welcome to America, my dear Count.

We've looked forward to your visit with considerable relish.

This is a glorious moment for everyone.

Oh, how stupid of me.

- Louise, this is your, um... - Aunt. Aunt Betty.

- Aunt Betty. - And Uncle David.

- I never knew I had an aunt and uncle. - Yes, dear. David is your father's brother.

I'm so pleased. Mother never wrote a word about you.

That's because he's always been the black sheep of the family.

May I present Count Romero, and Carlos Romero.

This is my Aunt Betty and my Uncle David.

- How do you do? - Nice to meet you. Will you excuse me?

Excuse me. I'm the ship news reporter.

You lookin' for somebody, kid? What is it?

- You talking to me? - No, your Aunt Tillie.

- They made me the ship news reporter. - No kiddin'?

- I gotta check the passengers. - There's no passengers on that boat.

- What do you call those people? - Spanish sailors. They all dress like that.

- Hey, what kind of a gag is this? - This is no gag. You gotta go to pier four.

- The Jersey ferry just hit an iceberg. - Then it got shot up by a submarine.

- One of ours. - A catastrophe.

- Terrible thing. - Worse than the Lusitania.

Take this man to pier four in the Bronx.

- Pier four ain't in the Bronx. - It's in the Bronx. It moved.

- How many is that? - That's five, and we're runnin' out of cars.

(man) You wait here while I get Count Romero.

You will come with me.

Take a walk.

I want you to take some very good pictures of the count.

- Can I help you, mister? - I doubt it, sir.

- I am the Spanish consul and... - I was just looking for you.

- You were? - Yes. Immigration.

We're holding Count Romero because of some rare Spanish disease.

Rare disease? But there is no such thing as a Spanish disease.

- Lieutenant. - Yes, Sergeant?

It's worse than expected. They say they'll take the count away in a straitjacket.

I'm sure the consul here can straighten things out.

- Take the consul to the count's cabin. - Aye aye, sir.

- This way. - Don't get too close to the count.

This is fantastic! I am going to take this to the secretary of state himself.

You should, sir.

Looks like the Dude's got a new swindle going.

The Dude's too smart to pull anything in the open. Let's go.

Wait a minute. Let's have a little chat with him anyway.

OK.

(Smiley) Gangway. Gangway. Gangway.

Mr. Dude, sir, a couple of coppers are comin' to put the arm on you.

Holy cow.

Junior, start a brannigan. Sock the Weasel.

- Sock the Weasel? He's my brother! - Don't argue. Sock the Weasel.

- Hey, Weasel. How's Ma? - Ma's OK. She's all right.

Good.

Ma told you not to hit me no more!

Fight!

(women scream)

- Amscray. A couple of ullbays. - Folks, I think we'd best be on our way.

(police whistle)

Hi, fellas.

Boy, have I seen New York in the past four days!

Boss, Queenie says for you to eat these sandwiches.

- How's tricks with the social mob? - It's going so great, I'm scared.

First thing, breakfast on gold plates.

Then Queenie herds us into the car and we go sightseeing all over.

Did you know New York was an island?

- What do you want, boss? - Got a pastrami?

Yeah. Ma thought I was nuts.

Hey, Joy Boy. We passed by a zoo, and what do you think I saw? A cow!

Here's your yoghurt.

- Guess who's buried in Grant's Tomb. - Will you leave me alone with the tomb?

You're sure the count ain't talked to nobody?

Count Romero? He don't get a chance to talk to himself.

When the judge runs out of gas about cowboys and Indians, Queenie sings.

- Enough already! Please! - You ain't heard nothin' yet.

You should see the way Annie looks at her daughter - like she was a banana split.

Hey, boss, those two kids better get married, or else they're gonna bust.

See? I told you guys.

Helping that old doll... it kinda gets me, right here.

You know what I mean?

You know, boss, it gets me too. Only higher.

I hate to tell you where it gets me.

And I'm gonna tell you.

You're playin' with your darts, and you're happy with the banana,

but me, I'm scared.

Three days and nights we're waitin' by the phone. Darcey ain't called.

You know what that means? I can feel the bullets.

Darcey's gotta knock us off now, or we're done.

All right. I don't complain. No.

You say no bullets. All right. You say no guns. All right.

No bodyguards. All right. You say don't lock the doors. All right.

It's crazy, but I've been with you for ten years. I'll go along for the ride.

But not this. I'm not gonna sit here, sweat, feel hot lead, and at the same time

listen to that sugar-coated malarkey about the beggar woman and her daughter.

That's all! Finished! Done! Goodbye!

(phone rings)

That's Darcey.

I wish I could worry like him, but I don't know how.

Talk.

Aw, for cryin' out loud.

It's Annie's butler. That's the bum from the Boer War.

Now what?

Yeah?

I'm sorry to trouble you, Mr. Dude,

but the count just asked me to telephone the Spanish consul.

- What does he want to talk to him for? - I don't know why.

But I did hear him say that he was tired of sightseeing

and he wanted to meet some people.

- Joy Boy, how's your Spanish? - As good as my French. They both stink.

Junior, did you learn anything from Spanish Lena?

Spanish Lena was a Hungarian.

Don't nobody know nothin'? And where's Queenie?

- Put the sucker on. I'll fade him myself. - (door buzzer)

It's open.

Hey, you're Darcey's boys.

Mr. Darcey don't never send "boys".

- Mr. Darcey wants to see you. - We were waiting for his call.

Why don't you make yourself at home?

And you were worried!

Hello? Hello?

Soy el conde de Romero. �Por qu� no fue a recibirme?

(Japanese accent) Very sorry. Nobody home. They all go far away.

They all go... California.

Lots of sunshine in California.

So this Japanese houseboy. So sorry. Ooh, very sorry.

No, I'm very sorry, they're not home.

Ooh, very sorry. No, I'm very sorry. They're not home. Nobody home. Just me.

OK. Bye-bye.

That's very good, Mr. Moto. Now let's go do some business.

I'll be with you in a minute. Where is Little Switz?

- We'll take you personal. - Yeah.

But first I have a little personal business. I wanna stop off and buy my apple.

You ain't stoppin' nowhere. Mr. Darcey's through playin'. Up!

You, fancy-pants, over there.

You, Mr. Apples, over here. Turn around.

- Turn around! Up! Up! - All right, all right.

- Hey, your hand's bleeding. - Oh! Argh!

- This way, gentlemen. - We'll tie 'em, lock 'em in the bathroom.

When he gets his apple, we'll be back to pick you up. Now get in there! Move!

Wait. Lock 'em in the closet, Joy Boy. They may just wax the bathroom floor.

- Yes, sir? - I am Se�or Cortez, the Spanish consul.

- The Spanish consul? - Yes.

- Is Count Romero to be found here? - Well... I don't believe he's in just now.

- So if you'd care to leave your card... - Se�or Cortez?

Se�or conde.

Count Romero will receive you.

It has been very difficult for me to locate you, Count Romero.

This is most confusing. I just had your office on the phone,

and your Japanese houseboy assured me you were out of town.

- Japanese? - S�.

What would I be doing with a Japanese houseboy?

- That is what we were wondering. - Very strange.

- May I? - S�, s�.

It is my impression that there's something peculiar about Mrs. Manville.

- Mrs. Manville? Peculiar? - Yes.

I've telephoned several society editors and they know nothing about her.

- I would be very cautious if I were you. - Of what?

- Father, I resent these insinuations. - You did not even meet me at the pier.

Believe me, I was there.

But an official told me you were having difficulty with your shots.

Shots? What shots?

A gentleman from the immigration service said you could not land

because you had contracted a peculiar disease.

And later, the ship's captain told me you were a guest of this Mrs. Manville.

Se�or, I had no trouble landing. I am in perfect health.

You are a most confused man.

When I try to reach you on the phone I find your confusion has spread to your staff,

where a Japanese listens to Spanish and answers in pidgin English. Caramba!

Se�or, give the gentleman his hat.

Very well, Count Romero. But in taking my leave, let me add only this.

That a bellboy in this very hotel assured me that this penthouse

is permanently leased by an American novelist named Rodney Kent.

Is this the way our diplomats conduct our affairs? Questioning bellboys?

Good day, sir. This episode will raise some eyebrows in Madrid.

- Rodney Kent! - It's ridiculous.

For years Louise has corresponded with her mother at this very hotel.

- If I may, sir? - S�, s�.

Thank you.

- Rodney Kent does live here. - What?

In these books, sir. See?

Pulitzer Prize winner.

The judge - Judge Manville - writes under that name.

Ah. Ah!

- After the fashion of Mr. Mark Twain. - And O Henry, Father.

O Henry. S�, se�or. Yes.

- I trust this confidence will be respected. - Of course.

Thank you.

Tea is served, sir, on the terrace.

Now, what are we gonna do after tea?

- What does the count like to do most? - Well, he rides a bicycle a great deal.

Six-day bicycle races.

Great. I'll call for tickets.

Oh, dear Count, I have such a surprise for you.

We just decided to go to the six-day bicycle races at Madison Square Garden.

- But we'll not be here for six more days. - Hi, everybody. Just came to say hello.

And... buy one of your delicious apples.

Oh, here we are. You see, Count, it's sort of a family joke.

I always feel that these apples bring me luck.

What a charming idea. I have the same feeling about onions.

- What is it, Hutchings? - A journalist to see you, sir. Second call.

(Dude) That guy out there is a reporter.

(judge) What provoked the curiosity in this wretched scribe?

- He requests a biography of Mrs. Manville. - Absurd.

Brother David, perhaps you can handle this inquisitor?

Don't worry about a thing, Judge. Everything's taken care of.

- What's the pitch, Brisbane? - From the society desk at the Star.

I wanna do a feature on Mrs. E Worthington Manville.

- She's not in the Social Register. - Not in the Social Register?

Or the phone book, not even the Yellow Pages.

Did you look under M's?

Look, I'm tired. The Spanish consul called my editor...

- Say, aren't you Dave the Dude? - What is he talking about?

Sure. I seen you around Queenie Martin's club.

You know, you're wasting your time with society news.

You could be a great big reporter, and we could give you a great big story.

Yeah, but we better go someplace where we won't be disturbed.

- Isn't that right, Uncle David? - That's right.

- Do you want to step this way? - Right this way.

No more sightseeing. No more buildings.

Mrs. Manville, I have come to know your daughter that well

that I love her like a father.

Thanks... Thank you.

And so I wish to announce I will be greatly honored

if your daughter will accept the proposal of my son in marriage.

Congratulations, Carlos! This is a great moment, a historic moment.

The union of our two families. The Montagues and the Capulets.

My dear Count, this calls for a real celebration.

That is exactly what I was coming to.

It will give me the greatest pleasure to announce the engagement officially

at a reception for a few of your intimate friends.

Reception?

- With people? - S�.

- Father... - No, no.

Relax and enjoy yourself, newsboy. You're living at the Marberry.

- It was nice meetin' you. - (muffled cries)

Watch your diction, watch your diction.

Reporter's taken care of, Judge.

Uncle David, congratulate us. Carlos and I are engaged.

You're a lucky man, Carlos. Congratulations.

Brother David, I just told the count we'd make the announcement at the reception.

Fine. Well, I'll see you folks around.

Reception? What reception?

The count wants to meet some of our friends.

A modest affair. Nothing elaborate.

Just the intimate friends of the parents of the bride.

About... 100 people, did you say, Judge?

100... friends?

You're the only one who can handle it, David.

- We must tell Aunt Betty at once. - Aunt Betty will be the first to know.

Brother Henry, would you come with me? I think we have to make up a list.

Mrs. Manville, I hope there is enough time for the preparations.

Why, you two-bit pool hustler. Sit down there. Sit down!

- I told you not to get used to high living. - It was the count's idea!

- I oughta belt him. - Now, now, godfather.

Do you know what this windbag's got us into? A reception for 100 people.

(door opens)

- Where do you think you're going? - I'm fleeing from Armageddon, sir.

With my cardiac condition I just cannot take unhappy endings.

- So I'm off to join Mr. Kent in Havana. - With two broken legs?

My legs, sir? Oh, they're quite...

Oh. Oh!

Very cleverly put, sir.

Thank you, sir. Yes. Not at all.

You!

- You'll break the poor lady's heart. - Why didn't you stop it before it started?

- Oh, there you are. - So we gotta throw a party.

So we just herd up a bunch of freeloaders.

Society freeloaders. The count expects 100 of the Four Hundred.

Annie only knows people from sewers.

Which reminds me. You got a couple of sewer rats trussed up in the closet.

Darcey's mugs. I forgot all about them.

The Weasel's in Annie's place, so I'm here.

Somebody tell me how I got into this pot. I didn't wanna be dealt in in the first place.

You, Queenie. You were the one who suckered me into this.

As long as I was minding my own business in my own racket, it was fine.

But then I had to start to help somebody, had to be the big man.

And will you look at me now?

I got oost into this old dame's life,

I got a couple of hoods, a couple of hatchet men, stashed in that closet,

- a reporter guzzled up in the penthouse... - You got three reporters in the penthouse.

- Three? - Two more showed up so we bagged 'em.

That's kidnapping. Do you know what the newspapers'll do to us?

Does it still kinda get you a little bit, right here?