Original subtitles

Want to hear my a poem about swans? - Yes.

I love swans the most, I do Because they stay forever true.

That's what makes them super, too.

You wrote that yourself? - Yes.

Swans... you always see two of them. That means they're going steady.

They stay together all their lives. They never ever get divorced.

And if one of them dies...

the other one dies out of sorrow.

This is my father, Daan. And he is divorced.

Now he lives above his catering business in Harten Street.

Everybody knows everybody here.

Coming to practice your talk?

This is Mirjam. She's always bored.

I'll get bored if you don't come.

Hey, thanks a lot.

Girls aren't allowed in here. Maybe they're telling dirty jokes.

This is Ronnie. Nobody ever buys the photo he takes.

But he keeps trying.

Thanks, have a nice day. - Same to you.

Hello Saar. Is it for Daan and Aart? - Yes.

How is your school talk coming along?

Want to borrow my Gay Pride wings?

Are you wearing my jeans?

Jacob and Rein do coffees. And they quarrel.

I had nothing else. - Can't you ask first?

Take it easy. I'm twittering.

You anti-social prick. Sorry, Saar. I shouldn't say that.

No, you shouldn't.

What mustn't you say? - Anti-social prick.

And this is Aart. The sweetest neighbour there is.

Oh, that's lovely. Thanks a lot, darling.

Did you get that from Jacob and Rein? - Yes.

Are you're ready to go to school? - Have fun, dear. See you later.

Do your best.

Bye, dearie. - Come along then.

Bye Daddy. - Bye, see you later.

She forgot the swan book for her talk.

Ah, thanks. You're all dressed up. For a party?

Roderick became a partner. - Of course.

You'll pick her up from school? - Aart will. He'll look after her.

Lucky you, with such a neighbour. - You have Roderick, I have Aart.

We both found happiness.

That looks great. You miss that now, or is your new husband also a great cook?

I'm double parked. - Off you go then.

See you Wednesday. - Yes, Wednesday.

Enjoying the job? - Yep.

How about that.

Can I help you? - Some fennel salad, and two eggs.

He makes it all himself. Isn't that Cordon Bleu stuff?

A fresh truffle on your egg? - Lovely, yes.

I've only recently moved to Amsterdam.

Can you recommend a nice cafe?

Sorry, no idea. I have a young daughter. I hardly ever go out.

Anything else? - No thanks.

That's 6,50. There you are. And have a nice day.

Enjoy it.

Are you deaf to subtext?

Screw me.

Don't take it personally, but I don't fancy men.

Don't ignore the facts, Daan. That was a nice bird.

Who has only just left school.

Are you testing what happens to your penis if you don't use it for 30 years?

I've no time for one-night stands. - No time? For women you make time.

To see them wake up with ruffled hair.

Watch them in their sexy gear, and seduce them with soft whispers.

We have a poet in our midst.

Listen, you should try internet dating.

This is the largest data base for fucks in the country.

A kind of e-Bay with cool chicks on it.

Tall, short, young, old.

Old ones? - Care to travel along with me?

Wait a minute... Is this for sex only?

Also for relationships, I assume.

I've created a profile for you.

What does it say?

Athletic build. Divine hands. What...

Champion's League Mafia, Daan.

Has anyone got the cash desk to work?

If you don't get her I will.

Mieke? - My name's Michelle.

Why are the windows dirty?

Yes? No, we don't do a show in Belgium. The collection is in New York.

I told you not to...

Mieke... - Michelle...

Higher, higher... Stop. And a bit to the left.

Have it a bit lower after all... Stop. Now to the right a bit.

And back a bit.

I'm Daan. - And?

From the caterer's next door. - Yes.

If you feel like a roll... - I never eat bread.

Oh, we also have salads, aubergines.

Where does this go? - Just a sec.

What are you here for?

Well, the drilling generates a lot of dust...

What a nuisance for you. Will a gift token do?

No, the point is that the dust blows out of your shop...

Hey, listen. What does it say there?

Neuf. - No, it says 'nuef'.

I'm dyslectic.

It's my first day.

Excuse me, weren't we in conversation, Katja?

Katje.

Listen, erm... - Daan.

Didn't you have to renovate your shop?

I did, but aren't there are different ways of doing so?

It usually creates dust, or am I an idiot?

Yes, anyway.

Beg pardon? - Sorry.

Hey, Katje-cookie.

I'm way totally zen after a Koan float. Ooh...

Shouldn't we do it together sometimes? Floating in salt water.

Oh... hi. And who is this?

This is erm...

Daan, the caterer. - Daan...

Sorry. - Don't worry.

Good... good.

Dad? When are you going to get married again?

When I meet the most beautiful woman in the world.

After you, of course, little accident of mine.

I'm a blessing in disguise, Daddy always says.

It never happens to swans. They only kiss when they're really sure.

That's a great pity for them because I love little accidents.

What do you think? Every man in my shop will wear them, so you know works there.

I was brainstorming... - Please, not another tattoo.

No, this is business. Close your eyes.

In the daytime it's a coffee bar and a CD shop.

A relaxed hang-out place. It curls, it boils. It's casualness itself.

But at night, there's a DJ. Bottles of vodka.

A dance floor. Day to Night.

Day to Night. That's the name.

The logo: a half moon with the sun inside it. Wow, Done & Done.

And something else.

Nail art. Will be fucking hip. It's dead in in New York, Tokyo, Singapore.

I don't mean manicure. I mean art. Picasso on your fingernails.

And I'll be the first in Amsterdam. A real scoop.

Nail art is going to be the shit. Trust me.

How's your business plan doing? Been to the bank people?

That's the easy bit. You did it, didn't you? Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

Good morning. Can I help?

A cappuccino, and a double espresso with almond milk.

Almond milk?

Ah, I see you brought your own supplies.

No instagramming or they'll all bring their own milk

Those thousand followers of yours. - Mirjam follows me, don't you?

Of course, lovey dovey, all day long.

I'm leaving some invitations for my opening.

To see some neighbours would be charming.

A white coffee please, with plain milk. From a cow.

Put that back.

They're for taking away. Do you like it?

A bit narcissistic. - What did you say?

To make a thousand copies of yourself to give away, isn't that symbolic?

So you just don't take one, Mr Freud.

Does she bring her perfumed loo paper when she visits?

She uses her own dildo when she's with her boyfriend.

You can't take this seriously, can you?

A bit glam now and then.

She's pretty, though.

There he goes.

On the way to the Coffee Company. - For several tastes.

Hazelnuts. - Frozen bambino.

Is he on Grindr?

Ah, they're coming as well.

That man would catch a bullet for you.

When he dies, his last words in the ambulance are:

You were worth it. - No, not really.

He isn't? - No.

How do you know? - I've done him once and... No.

Did he have a tiny one? - No.

He's more into...

Puking? - No, he's a choker.

He likes strangulation sex. I don't even think about it.

Who is a choker?

Him.

I'm quite adventurous, you know.

Handcuffs I like.

Blindfolds, candle wax. I'm on sex.com you see. SM weekends.

OK, that will do, Lotte.

Hello. - Granny, you said you'd be here tomorrow.

Is there a lift to your apartment? - No, there isn't.

Oh, goddammit, Katje. - There's nothing to see.

I expect it's a real dump.

Something like it, yes.

The rest of your emporium doesn't look too bad either.

Come on, where's that cocktail bar?

Must you smoke? - Isn't this a democracy?

It's bad for you. - So Stalin used to say.

He and your doctor.

My heart is so grotty, one cigarette won't hurt.

Cheers, here's to your new store.

And to the next one.

You and your imperialism, watch it. Or there will be a general revolt.

Let them eat cake.

Sweety-pie, I've been thinking about us a bit recently.

Goodness. - A lot actually.

And you see, you and me, we've been at a crossroads for quite some time.

It's a very busy crossroads. - Like Shibuya crossroads in Tokyo?

Whatever crossroads. Everybody just hurries past us.

New opportunities, old memories. - Ah, it's philosophical.

Oh yes, it's philosophical, certainly.

But we keep standing stock still. Frozen to the zebra crossing.

And I think we should cross. Take a new step.

Of course you're right.

Yes, and I thought we should discuss it.

You're right, chest forward, hair loose.

Let's join Grindr... - Let's take a puppy.

Take a puppy? - Grindr?

Look, I've made some profiles. With photos and all.

They're not online yet, I wanted to discuss it with you first.

This is mine.

Rein the Rabbit? - Nibbly Rabbity Rein is too many letters.

That photo was taken years ago.

And look, this is yours.

Jacob Milksop? - Yes, I thought that was funny.

I was on Prozac then, look at the eyes.

Couldn't find a better one.

OK, we'll do it.

Look at that dress. Just your chick? Jeremy's mum is single.

Morning, Lucas.

Marjet and I think you'd make a great couple.

I believe you.

She's creative. Makes baskets from old newspapers.

I don't think so, really.

Really not? Perhaps we should have a foursome at a barbecue.

I have three dates this week.

Three dates? Three different dates?

Internet dates. - Three!

Different ones. - Yes.

I'm Annabel. - I'm Daan.

Annabel, you can't do without me. Here I am: Annabel.

I thought I'd sing it before you do.

Yes, but I wasn't planning to sing it.

I say... - Oh well, OK then...

Everybody does.

Atmosphere is very important. There's got to be an atmosphere.

I focus on an aura, see?

We were married for four years when he got cancer.

A terrible illness.

Ter-rib-le.

I work as a part-time magician. - You do?

It's called: From Daan. With three dots in front so I can add the dish.

Risotto from Daan. - Exactly.

And I always write it on the wrapping.

On those dots. - Exactly.

How cute.

Normally I use scarves.

I'm going to smoke.

Look what I can do with my eyes.

No, I'm OK. - What?

Sorry, but I badly want to pee. - It's over there.

Aha, you're...

A cat or a dog, what do you want to be? A cat? A dog? Or a cat?

Or a combination. A dog-cat. Or a cat-dog.

That was for my birthday.

And those were... for no special reason.

Oh... Daan? - Yes?

Mara. - Hi.

Were you leaving? - Yes... no...

So rude of me. So embarrassing. - It's OK.

Forget it.

I was so nervous I kept walking round in circles. So that's why I'm late.

You thought I might bite?

You're a cook and I don't know your taste.

I must say you look quite tasty.

For Jesus sake, you moron.

Sorry, I hate it when food gets wasted.

I've got the same. - Yes?

Funny.

You fucking bastard. You cocksucker.

OK, you get me pregnant and then put me out with the garbage.

Shall I lie down on the rubbish bags? There I am. Among the rotting fish.

You bastard. Is that what you want? To let me die like a rotting fish?

Does it make you happy if I die?

They should have amputated my leg. Does that make you happy?

Mara, everybody is asleep.

I couldn't care fucking less. I want to sleep, too.

But you won't let me. You fucking dick.

Go home.

Saar... mind the bikes. Hi darling.

I thought I was sleeping at Daddy's? - He's got an important job.

Safety belt on? - Yes.

Mum? Why did you fall in love with Daddy?

Daddy was the handsomest boy in the whole school.

And he was very sweet.

But we were very young then.

Did he give you presents? - Presents? No, why ask?

Roderick does.

You don't fall in love with the presents but with the person who gives them.

Why are you in love with Roderick now and not with Daddy?

Why, why? That's why.

Saar... that sort of thing just happens.

Something terrible has happened.

But we solved it.

Something with Bep?

Has Thomas started a fire?

Michelle forgot to confirm the catering.

Shall I put it down there?

See? We solved it.

Is that what you'll be wearing? - Yes.

Didn't you have a suit?

Didn't you have a good mood? It would look better.

One can't buy a good mood. A suit, yes.

The first guests are coming in half an hour.

Could your button up your shirt?

I wouldn't mind but it would dirty my shirt.

What's keeping the photographer?

What's keeping the photographer.

If this historical moment wasn't recorded, what a disaster.

Jealous? Wasn't there a photographer at your opening?

Photos aren't all that important. It's the memory that counts, isn't it?

Tell me, wouldn't you rather lie on the sofa under a fleece blanket?

If you get a message that says: he he, what does it mean?

Not ha ha, but he he.

Depends on the context.

He he could mean that it's funny but not terribly funny. Like he he he.

Or it's: he he, that's about time.

Could be.

Now it looks like Evil Eyes, right?

But look at it this way...

Yes.

Or like this. And it says: Vils. - What's Vils?

Vils is nothing. - What does it mean?

It's a river in Germany. I Googled on it.

I want a tattoo like that. Nin - Tendo.

Yolo. Yolo.

Peanut. Butter.

Peanut butter. Crazy.

Yes, you found the only guest of over thirty.

I've been looking for you all evening.

No thanks, I'm almost leaving.

Why is that? Early days tomorrow?

Yes, I play bingo in the morning. And then there's bridge.

And I've got to annoy the carers. That's a job in itself, you know.

Do you think you have a window for me next week?

Are you asking me to go out with you? - Perhaps.

I'm not starting anything. - Why not?

I've got one foot in the grave. My previous husband was a liar.

A megalomaniac. He was Alexander the Great, the twerp.

Kicked my heart so often there was nothing left.

Did he sleep around? - No. He died, the rotter.

Hey, Laura...

Aren't we a match online?

Coco told me everything. - Coco?

That looks really gorgeous.

My boyfriend has a pitbull that kills you.

Where's the photographer. - Photographer?

Fucking explosive.

Nail art. Came here from Japan. It's going to hit the scene.

And that is? - Art on your fingers.

Picasso on your nails.

I go along with that. - I want manga on my fingers.

But that's not art, man.

Katje likes it, and when she likes something it's: the cat's in the bag.

Easy peasy... - Lemon squeezy.

Hey, I've got the same suit. - Cool.

Now...

Is he looking at me?

No, he's just squinting.

Come off it.

You think people only look at you. Wear a pink shirt or they don't see you.

Real fun to be with you guys.

Don't throw anything away.

What do you mean?

I know you throw things out in the street after you've used them.

Girls and so on.

Hey darling... Bye Daan. - Bye.

By the way, I also cleaned the toilets. You don't need to go there.

Can I have the suit back?

There.

I didn't mean now. - I don't want to come back tomorrow.

I don't go to hip joints a lot. They give me a rash.

Be quick then.

I'm busy. - So I see.

I see that you see it.

Good luck with your rag shop. - Thank you.

Did I hear you say thank you? - Yes, I'm well brought up.

Really? Who by? Hyenas?

I've got to talk to you. - But, but...

I'm so sorry about the other day. I understand if you want to slow down.

But you've got a child, and...

And a shop.

Mara, I just think we don't...

Shall we go wine tasting? I Googled that you did a course.

Mara, you really an a sweet and lovely girl, but...

I'm sure some man can make you very happy, but I don't think it's me.

You need destroying.

What did you say?

Oh, that's a nice one.

That's the trouble with online dating.

You never get rid of them.

She's from the internet? - Relationship Planet.

You could end up in a wardrobe with a belt round your neck.

It can also be a nice way to get to know new people.

You know about them in advance.

Yes, but a psychopath doesn't announce himself as such.

Mirjam here got half strangled last night. Without internet.

Drop the subject. - Was it Bas, I bet?

Did you get... as well?

No, but all Amsterdam knows that he's into...

Into?

Well, that he... - Ah, strangulation sex, Katje.

Strangulation sex.

All Amsterdam knows? You should have warned me.

Daan, I keep sending you bills. - It'll be all right. I promise.

I never recommend it because it costs me business...

but how about buying wholesale?

You know I only want top-quality products.

With prices like yours you'll never make a profit.

Give me some more time... I promise.

OK, good luck. - Thanks a lot.

Do you have a thousand euros for me? - What for?

A camera. I really got an eye for it. I see the way the light hits things.

Or a colour. And I think: Fuck, that's art.

It's art and I don't use it. That's a pity, isn't it?

Did you know that the caterer guy is leaving?

What do you mean? - It's the perfect spot for Day to Night.

Are you coming to play football with me?

Play football? Hadn't you better work on your talk for school?

Hi Daan, I work in the Secret Service. The men here are no fun.

Why are you on this site? Are yu welded to a Siamese twin brother?

We were separated so I have one leg and one arm.

We drew lots about our sex organ. I don't like to mention that.

Does everybody in the Secret Service wear aprons? Or is that classified info?

Saar, hurry up.

I think swans are the most beautiful creatures in the world. So white.

And they've got lovely long necks.

When they fly, they look like aeroplanes. And also when they land.

When swans land, they use their feet to brake.

When swans have babies they try to protect them.

When you get close, they go...

There will be road signs. Take care: hatching swans.

That is to warn people.

When people are in love, they draw hearts.

But swans don't have hands to draw or write with.

That's why they form a heart together.

That's to show they're in love. And that's really clever.

Yes, that's a very good talk, Saar. Well done.

Good morning Daan, I will start with the surprises of the day.

Zips that you can't reach. Why is that? Do they do that on purpose?

Do they go out of their way to make us feel lonely?

Turnips. I do like root vegetables but I've never understood turnips.

Or people who take the shopping out of their baskets very slowly.

Are they worried things will break?

Or when you're in the loo in a public place and everybody can hear you.

There are also high points.

Sales girls who are good at wrapping: the perfect fold in the perfect place.

So that you hardly need any sticky tape.

What makes me happy is sailing on a sunny Sunday afternoon.

Listening to the far-away city noises. Nattering with friends...

about the major issues in life.

A criminal lawyer can talk a woman into his bed...

and even get her to make breakfast for him. Naked, that is.

That's the life.

Meditation calms me down.

The outside world with all those people, all that chaos, vanishes.

For a while you're on your own.

Truly on your own.

Ever seen a Buster Keaton movie?

Now I have. Buster Keaton. That face. Tragic and funny at the same time.

What's this? - Hush. It's nearly finished.

They're not even talking. - No, it's a silent movie.

Why watch a silent movie? Why not a funny one?

Can I help you?

No, I'm just taking some photos.

A DJ unit will fit here.

A selfie.

Can you tell me why you're taking those photos?

I'm going to open a business Day to Night, here in the street.

This is perfect. You're leaving, aren't you?

With your too expensive olive oil, and... what's this?

They're parsnips. A forgotten vegetable.

Forgotten. There you are.

I'm not leaving, you know. - It's nothing to be ashamed of.

It's the crisis. Everybody's going under. You've got to dive too.

You could work for me.

Cocktail shaking is like cooking. You could even make a parsnope cocktail.

Could I get a subsidy for hiring you? You're not from here, are you?

Relax, man. - Great couple, you two.

He's got a short fuse, that guy.

You know, I want to make gorgeous food with the very best products.

I wish we had taste buds all over our bodies.

Taste strawberries with our toes. With our elbows: tartar steak.

And with our little finger... OK.

But I've never thought about money.

I want to make good dishes for every purse. And that's not easy.

Maybe you could do juices as well. All young girls drink fruit juice.

Warm regards from a juice lover with an abnormal number of taste buds.

Juices? No, that's the religion of my narcissistic neighbour.

But what better advice than that of my extremely hairy pen-friend?

Why are you doing this?

I got home and I had a surprise for you.

Mara, really, go home.

It's really close by. We can take it easy and yet be close.

Mara, I mean it.

Any idea how much that fucking parking meter costs?

I got my caravan here specially for you. You want distance. Do I get thanks? No.

Mara, I'm serious.

Shall I give you a tour? I have a sweet tea service. And Japanese knives.

Sorry, I'm... - Daan, Daan!

Shall we meet for real? I would like to get to know you.

Or am I too direct, and breaking the rules of online dating?

Let's wait a little longer.

Like in the Victorian era, when chastity and conservatism were the norm?

Have you been typing all this in a corset?

More or less, yes.

I bought two really awesome records.

Don't say I'm not trying. Records don't come to me by themselves.

If you're as ambitious as I am...

the sky is the limit.

Do you meditate?

Started recently.

What would you like? - Some of that.

Suki noodles? - Yes.

You're very professional.

Of course you are. I realise that.

Anything else? - No, that's perfect.

You didn't think I'd forgotten?

O Granny, you know I ignore my birthday. - Yes, but I don't.

Soon I'll be dead and some stupid nurse will pinch it from me.

So I'd rather give it now.

Isn't it a bit premature?

It's as if I'm on a train and I see all those...

trees, the grass and the mountains disappear.

And then I see a pretty chapel or a lovely grassy field...

and I want to shout: 'Stop. Pull the emergency brake.'

'That was my stop.'

But well, the train is then miles past it.

I have that too, sometimes.

Every now and then you need a break.

She's still single. - Who?

There. That bum. She does Pilatus and Bikram Yoga.

Daan? - Hi, Joke.

Our school takes part in the national school talk competition...

That's fun. - Yes, and we'd like Saar to represent us.

Saar? - If you agree.

Was it that good? - Very good.

It was sparkling and endearing. And those swans...

Let's ask. Saar, come here a minute?

Would you like to be in a school talk competition?

Well, that's clear. - Oh, great.

When I was little, I thought everybody in the world baked me a birthday cake.

That the sun shone only for me and that everybody knew it was my birthday.

Now it's just a Thursday, in the middle of the month. Nothing special.

But this morning I did see a mouse who looked at me so happy and bright...

that I wondered if it knew...

and had climbed onto the work surface especially for me.

Hello neighbour girl.

I represent the school in a talk competition.

What did you say?

I gave a talk about swans and now I'm in the competition.

Congratulations. It must have been a splendid talk.

I'm next door, Saar.

Have you got something to wear?

Half the week I live with Daddy and the other half of the week with Mummy.

But Mummy lives with Roderick now and she divorced Daddy.

Daddy is on his own now.

He only wants to go steady if it's forever.

Just like a swan.

Maybe he's also a swan.

Looks like a lot of work. - Wasn't too bad.

She doesn't normally like dresses, but this...

Thanks a lot. Really.

Hey, little swan, are you coming?

I hired the mouse to congratulate you because I can't be there.

Did he sing for you? Because I did pay him to do so.

Anyway, I think that...

you can put anything into a cocktail as long as it absorbs alcohol.

Cucumber. Parsnopes. Strawberries.

Strawberries and parsnope. Oh, I'm so full of inspiration.

Parsnip... doesn't absorb.

What was your day like? - Fine.

I've got something for you.

A record? - Nobody else has it. It's Akale Wube.

Don't you want to keep it? - No, it's for you.

And when I have more money you get a real present.

You know, Thomas, I don't need anything from you, really.

Because of the record?

No, it's got nothing to do with the record.

Bit it's Akale Wube. - It's nothing to me.

Your records, your cocktails, your stupid coffee bar that will never happen.

Where are you going? - Home.

You and me, that's past. It's all over.

Because?

Wait a minute, you'll still support me in my business?

You can still help me now we are through.

Are you stalking me? - No, I'm doing the shopping.

Filleting, can you do that?

No problem at all to me.

I'll give you a tip: the best way with cod is to start at the top...

Why don't we meet some time?

What do you mean? - I mean: not in the supermarket.

But you've got a boyfriend. - That's finished.

So. - Yes, OK. Oh, no I...

Why not? - I'd look ridiculous if I told you.

Probably, yes.

I think I'm in love with someone from...

from the internet.

Can't think of anything more silly. - No.

What kind of woman is she?

She's eccentric, sweet, funny, sensitive, passionate, she's really...

It's as if we've always known each other. All the clichés.

I don't know... maybe she'd dead ugly.

Yes, maybe she's in a loony bin.

No, she's just shy.

Does she have a disease that turns her into a tree?

She's just romantic. - Or pathological.

Or she's got ten children and lives in the sticks.

Or she's addicted to puppets and trolls and makes them talk to each other.

Believe me. To go by the messages she's perfect.

Yes, for a fool.

See you.

Dad? - Saar?

Is it possible to be in love with two boys at the same time?

That must be difficult.

Tim is really sweet. But Vaes is strong and very good at football.

Yes love, those are the big problems in life.

Who should I choose? - With which one you feel best?

That's the most important point.

Someone who's good at French kissing. - Yuck.

Just stay as you are until you're 21.

Say: Blue.

Blue. - I love you true.

And I love you, too. A lot.

If you send a message on a dating site...

And it's somebody you already had sex with.

Yes, it really happened. Small world. Yolo.

You Only Live Once. - Yes, I knew.

She sends the messages anonymously because she knows him.

I mean... How does she tell him it's herself?

Maybe she never tells him.

Or she waits till she's old and shrivelled and he turns out to be dead.

Maybe now is the time to get into the time machine and deal with that concept.

For my organs and my midriff it's a good idea anyway.

When shall we meet?

How about tomorrow at 2 p.m.?

Fine. So I can shave my moustache in the morning.

Where do we meet?

You know the Hair Barber Bar? They can deal with the moustache.

Sounds like the perfect place.

Oh yes, I took your advice and ordered a juice extractor.

Good thing, Siamese. See you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow, moustachio.

I usually go like a terminator, a tank across the golf course...

but the girls aren't willing. As if they've agreed not to let me in.

Do you hear what I'm saying? I'm a giant sperm bomb...

and I'm deadly dangerous.

Sorry Bas, I was distracted.

How do I look?

Not good. - Bas, be serious,

So you're finally going to meet her?

Shall I come along? You never know with internet dates.

Daan, you've got a big stain on your shirt.

Hey Katje, what are you doing here?

I erm... - Sorry, ladies are not allowed here.

No ladies? - No.

I've an appointment with a lady here. - We don't do appointments.

I have an appointment, too.

With you. - With me? I'm waiting for someone else.

I know.

You'd better go, before another woman... - That other woman...

that's me. - No, it's...

What? - Can't you guys work this out outside?

I didn't know how... How does one say it?

For so long... - Wait, it was you all along?

I didn't expect it to go on for so long. I saw it as a kind of joke that...

A joke? Do you see me laughing?

It isn't funny at all, I just thought...

Wait for me. - I'm not waiting.

Girl next-door, Katje or what... - But...

But what? Are you so ashamed of who you are, that you must lie?

Love is not a business enterprise, Katje, something you can add to your empire.

I've given hundreds of faces to the woman I fell in love with, but never yours.

You with your almond milk, your symmetry and your narcissism...

I fell in love with a girl who described tiny details so beautifully.

A gentle, honest girl, a girl with imagination.

Who called Buster Keaton's face tragic and yet funny.

But she obviously doesn't exist.

She does exist. She's standing before you.

That girl has been lying to me for weeks.

Katje with your fears, you killed my fantasy girl.

My dear Daan I am sorry

It's a goddam Greek tragedy. Euripides. Sophocles.

Let me drink and forget the shit.

There's a lump in my throat, there's a knot in my stomach.

With you too?

Last night I bought Eva three vodkas but no luck.

Whereas normally if you give them vodka to drink...

I don't know what it is, but... Daan!

Of course you don't want to give Katje a chance.

She is so involved in her work. She only drinks juice.

If she wears the wrong shoes her whole day is spoilt.

But...

I've known her for ages and deep inside she longs for a stain on her blouse.

And lots of calories.

And somebody who throws her off-balance.

Somebody who sees her as she really is, or as she would very much like to be.

Sorry, I'm very busy just now.

My dear Katje, I think

I should have been there.

I'm still here.

She can leave after today. It's not serious.

Thank goodness.

I'll cancel my flight, postpone my holiday. - No, you're off to Bali tomorrow.

The girl needs a break.

I have to stay with you. - I won't die until you're back.

Such a rude man who wanted to keep me alive.

Give me a cigarette.

No.

Did you teach him that? - I've got nothing to do with it.

Saar...

Saartje...

Cheers, girl. - Lovely, darling.

Hey, will this do?

I've got a date. - A date?

Yes, a date.

I don't know what it's about but it's pure drama.

Inge, is Saar with you?

Well, this is Wesley.

Do you know each other? - You can say that again.

Why? Do you also know each other?

This is new for me.

How I love this part of town.

Jacob, this is no coincidence.

I don't know what you mean. - Wait a minute.

Did you have a threesome in mind?

Seen Saar anywhere?

Saar? No. - I saw a big ginger cat outside.

Saar is a child. Isn't she with her?

Or gone to school. - Or slept over at Inge's.

Then Daan would have known. - Where can she be?

All I know is that she has to do her talk and I can't find her.

I bet she's with that mad girlfriend of yours.

Who with?

Mara!

I always told you: Mara is as mad as a hatter.

That's what you get on the internet.

The woman has an aggression problem, right?

She'll have put a foolish dress on her.

Or cut her hair off.

Or she's taken her to a dirty amusement park.

Where she will get athlete's foot.

Mara, open the door.

What have you done with Saar?

Give the child back or I'll bash your head in.

Stop the stupid knocking.

Have you seen Saar?

Did you abduct her? - Or hit her?

No, of course not.

You'd better act normal.

Out of the way, you.

No, she's really not there.

Want a cup of tea from my tea service?

It's all fine. You can go home. But you must stop smoking, really.

Aart, it's me: Daan. Is Saar with you? - No.

She's gone. I'll carry on searching.

OK. Saar is gone.

Hurry up. Faster.

Come on then.

Were you going away without me?

Hurry up, get in.

It's got to be there. - You're not looking properly.

It was on the ground. - I'm such an idiot.

You'll miss your flight.

I want to know she's OK first.

Stop, stop, stop.

I think I saw Saar. Over there.

In the water.

You mustn't see me. It's a surprise.

Saar, cycle to the jetty over there.

I'm taking the water bike to the competition.

It's too far. You can't do that on your own.

It's a long way, across the river IJ with lots of big boats.

Saar, wait... Saar!

Any other big plans?

Daan? Saar's been found. Everything's fine.

Where? OK, we're on our way.

Didn't I tell you?

How does it work. Do you know? - Try that button over there.

It's not doing anything. - Try that one.

It's just the music. - Well, OK then. Try that one.

Can you drive? - I've never been in such a stupid car.

Try this... - We'll get a taxi.

All right, Bep. Come on out.

Aart, Aart, where is she?

Keep calm.

Daan, there she is.

Look at me. You must never ever do this again.

You gave me such a fright.

I was so worried.

Oh, there you are. It's your turn, Saar.

Hurry up, Saar. They're waiting for you.

I don't know what to say.

Coming with me? - No, I erm...

In winter when it's cold, all the swans get together and fly to warmer countries.

That's very cosy because they keep each other warm.

Go, Saar!

When the mother swan lays eggs the father helps to build the nest.

Just like a father will help to decorate the nursery.

Sometimes swans are aggressive when they've got babies.

If a human being gets close the swan will attack.

That's how they do it.

When swans go steady they stay together all their lives.

They don't quarrel and they don't get divorced.

If one of them dies, the other one wants to die as well.

They love each other that much.

That's why I love swans and this was my school talk.

That was incredibly well done. Let's have an applause for Saar.

A well-deserved applause. You did really well.

That was a good little accident.

Are you happy?

But where's Katje? - She had to hurry.

Her flight leaves in two hours.

Flight? - She's going to Bali.

To Bali? - For three months. To a retreat.

Go follow her. - First there's the prize-giving ceremony.

Never mind. Just go.

Look after her. I'll be back.

Can I come in? - No, it doesn't work.

Katje...

Please?

No.

You're leaving? - Yes.

Does it have something to do with me? - Not at all.

Nice house.

Why should it be about you? - I sing in my sleep.

Eternal Flame, always the same verse.

Irritating when you try to sleep next to me.

I am addicted to Tetris on the phone.

I let things shrink in the wash.

I used to have an external brace.

I had glasses with a plaster on it.

When I'm angry I start to cry very loudly, snivelling all over my face.

I'm jealous. Really.

If I saw you at party talking to a handsome man...

I would sit in a corner all night biting my lip.

If you stayed away late I'd phone you a thousand times...

and leave angry messages. I'd text you, Facebook you and chat...

and Whatsapp.

And I would phone all your friends. And your mother, who is asleep.

In that case I think you'd better go.

Because of my mother. - Yes.

Yes, it would be such a nuisance for her.

We'd constantly be at each other's throats.

And bang the doors.

And make love.

Fuck... we should be going somewhere.

Well, ladies and gentlemen. It took some time, but the jury has decided.

The jury has been sweating, crying, quarrelling even.

Because the talks were all so fantastic.

Are you ready to hear the name of the winners?

Yes, that's better.

People are ready for it. Are you? Hold hands then.

A very tense moment.

The third prize is for a very special, inspired talk...

about...

swans!

Yes, it's for you, Saar. Congratulations.

This wonderful cup is for you.

Third prize? That's ridiculous. She was the best.

A big applause for Saar.