Original subtitles

? Here we live, oh, oh ?

? Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ?

? From longest night to longest day ?

? In the Great North. ?

(cheering)

HAM: This bread is gonna be bananas.

Hmm, because it's banana bread.

Which tastes bananas. Wait.

Is that why they're called bananas?

Or is feeling bananas named after the fruit? Bananas.

Bananas? Oh, uh-oh, I'm in a spiral.

- (nearby shouting) - Dad?

- Dad! - BEEF: I'm fine, son.

Go back to your midnight baking. It smells delicious.

No, Dad, I'll just, uh, pull...

- Ow. No, no, no. Ow! - I'll wake up Moon and Judy.

We'll get you out, Dad. Code Mauve!

Dad's bed finally gave out!

Dad, your mattress is now actively trying to kill you.

Will you please get a new one?

That mattress is the only one I've ever slept on as an adult.

It's a Tobin family heirloom.

I was planning on leaving it to one of you in my will.

Come on, Dad, that mattress has been awful for years.

And now you're not sleeping, like, at all.

Last week, after you dropped me off at school,

you dozed off in the parking lot.

It was embarrassing, but I covered for you

by telling people you were just drunk.

I'm not that tired, Goon.

- Oh, no. - Dad, we understand that you form

a sentimental attachment to...

almost everything, but you need a new bed.

But I slept there on my wedding night.

I slept there when they announced the first

American Idol, and not to be crass,

but I've done all of my best farts in there.

All of them, Dad? What about cousin Becca's communion?

Ah, yes, who could ever forget "The Grumbler."

They had to bring in new communion wafers.

Dad, you can't be a good father and fisher-person on no sleep.

All right. In the morning I'll go purchase a new mattress.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go listen

to some Justin Guarini and fart in my bed one last time.

Hello. I'm Matthew.

Welcome to Sleeping Duty.

Do you have any questions I can answer?

Oh, I'd love to know what happens when we die.

Well, I think we get born again as a baby?

As the same soul but within a new vessel

and we have to learn different lessons each go-round

until we reach enlightenment.

But I guess I meant any mattress questions I can answer.

Well, this is actually my first time purchasing

a mattress for myself and I am quite overwhelmed.

Sir, it is going to be okay.

Now, what size are you looking for?

My old mattress was an Alaskan queen.

Ooh, I'm so sorry, but Alaskan queen

was a promotional size they used

to celebrate the Alaskan Centennial.

So we wouldn't have anything to fit your old frame.

Wait, I have a bandsaw at home.

I can buy one of these king mattresses

and shave down the sides.

I wouldn't recommend sawing a mattress, sir.

All the bounce will just whoosh right out the sides.

So you're gonna need a new frame as well.

Luckily, we have many choices.

Choices. Oh, God, not choices.

Well, Dad, uh, since you said one of us kids are going

to inherit the bed, maybe we could help you choose one.

- Oh, yeah. - I definitely saw one I'd love to die on

when I'm exactly 89 years old.

I'll be holding Crispin's hand and I'll whisper into his ear,

"If you ever marry again I'll haunt your ass."

Okay, lead us there, Ham.

HONEYBEE: Unit A. There.

I typed out our new address on all 958 of our business cards.

I can't believe we have our own mailing address.

Which is just our old one, but with Unit A at the end.

This is like when Meghan and Harry finally got

- their own mailbox in Oprah's backyard. - We got to celebrate.

Let's go to Busy Beaver's Office Supply Cabin

and get a new card holder.

Ooh, I saw a mug there last time

that had a corgi on it and it said,

"One of these days I got to get Corg-anized."

I just might treat myself.

Oh, wow. Look, someone sent us

one of those eatable bouquets.

"Dear Mark and Sheryl, congratulations on the wedding.

Enjoy the mango and melon. Yours truly, Nancy"?

Oh, no. This is meant for Unit A

on Old Outhouse Road in Talkeetna.

We got to get it to its rightful home.

We can't let another couple start

their married lives without this amazing treat.

Well, there's a number on the packing slip.

Let's call, and if they're around,

we can drive it out to Talkeetna today.

Great idea, my melon mommy.

Please do not ever call me that again.

Yeah, that's fair. All right, let's give them a jingle

and arrange a mail mingle.

What'd I tell you? This bed is elegant

and magical and you could use some escapism in your life, Dad.

Okay, I'll take it.

Wonderful, I'll ring you up up front.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No fair.

I also saw a bed that's perfect for me. I mean, Dad.

- But then I'd inherit it one day, like he said. - I saw one, too.

Well, your dad should choose his own...

Hey, I have an idea.

How about a little friendly competition?

We each have to tell Dad a bedtime story

about the beds we want. Dad's the judge.

Whoever tells the best story,

Dad buys the bed of that person's choosing

and they get to inherit it when he croaks.

No offense, Dad, but you will croak someday.

- None taken. - All right, I will tell the first story

so I can have Dad's deathbed.

And I'm definitely gonna win,

'cause my sleep number is destroy.

Now gather round as I begin my tale.

Hmm. It's pretty slow today, so I guess I'll just listen in.

Once upon a time, there was a hairy little fellow

named Beefbo Dad-gins who lived

in a magical village called...

The Briar. Beefbo was the most

beloved of all the creatures known as the Norbits.

That's a totally different movie.

This isn't based on a movie.

This is a completely original story. As I was saying...

Beefbo Dad-gins was with his friends

Wolfwise Bingbong and Judy Teengirl

when the wizard Hamdalf the Grape suddenly appeared.

Hamdalf, how grape to see you.

It's grape to see you, too.

But I'm afraid I come bearing dire news.

- Diarrhea news? - I said "dire."

Beefbo, you know how you've slept

your entire life on the same mattress?

- Yes. - Well, it's infested with dark magic.

And I've built you a beautiful new bed right here, but first

I need you to take the old,

evil mattress and throw it into the fire atop

the garbage mountain at Junkyard Kyle-eron's.

I don't know. We were just about

to clasp hands and dance about in a circle.

The fallen leaves are ripe for a rolling.

And we still need to whistle and giggle

and say, "Oh, what a day."

Oh, my God. Would you guys focus up?

Your mattress is infested with dark magic

and you must destroy it in a firepit after a long journey.

- Can my friends come? - (sighs) Uh, uh, yeah.

Wh... I guess, whatever.

We have to go now. Everyone get your shoes.

We don't have shoes. That's our whole thing.

We're Norbits. We have big, horrible,

hairy feet and everyone has to look at them.

Oh I see, I get it, okay, I'm a character with big,

hairy feet. Ha, ha, ha. You know I'm self-conscious

about my hirsute hoofs.

Mm-hmm. I do.

Anyway, so Hamdalf the Grape

and the Norbits set off on their journey.

But they would need help, so they gathered

more magical friends with dumb names

who were very ready to die for the main guy.

I'm Honeyborn of Fresno.

Jerromir of the Central Valley.

Moonli. You don't need to know where I'm from.

HAM: They were finally assembled.

The Fellowship of the Springs.

And then they walk a bunch with some beautiful

shots of scenic Alaska, you know, some music

that goes, like... ? Bum-bum, bah-bah-bum, bah-bah-bum. ?

But then they begin to sense that someone is following them,

and they're right. It's a weird little guy named Meatball.

These Tobins-es,

they have it, my special.

My pressure point mattress.

- HAM: So Meatball was stalking the Fellowship of the Springs... - Yoo-hoo.

Just ignore him.

I know a shortcut to the place where you can get

rid of that mattress that I desperately want.

I mean, that I don't want.

- Should we trust him? - Hmm. This is the part

of the story where we make a bad decision, so yeah.

Great choice, idiots.

I mean, follow me.

Come on in.

One dang to frang them all.

- Borcs! - Give us that gross old bed.

(all grunting)

There's too many!

This fight is kind of boring.

Will you all just, like, die already?

HAM: Beefbo and his companions were surrounded

and, in a panic,

he folded himself into the mattress

and, like, somehow magically and bravely disappeared.

When Beefbo finally awoke, the Borcs had been defeated

and his friends had, like, found him somehow.

Well, look who decided to wake up after the battle is over.

You know how many times I got stabbed?

A lot.

How did you know that the mattress

- would make you disappear? - I didn't.

Well, let's take a break to eat, 'cause, you know,

we need time for a plot twist, so we can't

go to the evil garbage mountain

that's right next to us just yet.

HAM: As they ate third breakfast, the mattress

started using its dark magic,

trying to tempt the fellows to betray each other.

Psst. Why don't you and I run away together?

You're not the first mattress to chat me up.

- Answer's no, bud. - Dang it.

- Hey, Jerry? - Mm-mmm.

Leave me alone.

Moonli, you can possess my power.

Yes. Yes.

I could take the special.

Give me the mattress. I'll kill you all!

It's mine. Mine!

This mattress is too powerful.

It's gonna turn you all to the dark side.

JUDY: Uh, Ham that's Star Wars.

HAM: Is it? Oh, yeah. Anyway, my point is,

at that moment, Beefbo decides he has to take the mattress

the rest of the way all alone.

And then, out of nowhere, garbage demons

that looked like Delmer appeared.

Beefbo knocked them out with kicking.

- Oh, hell no. - Oh, hell no. - Oh, hell no.

- Oh, hell no. - Oh, hell no.

HAM: Then, finally,

he reached the edge of the fiery pit,

but that mattress was not down to die,

and, frankly, got quite sassy with Beefbo.

You don't destroy me.

-I destroy you. Night-night, Beefbo. -(yelling)

HAM: It looks like Beefbo is toast,

but then, suddenly, Meatball appears.

He grabs onto the mattress.

My special!

(screaming)

HAM: And for a second, it seems like Beefbo's dead

and it's like, "Oh, no!"

But actually, he grabbed the cliff,

and it's like, "Hell yeah!"

Having saved the world, Beefbo collapses.

But when he awakens, he's in the new bed

that Hamdalf had made for him.

And then the Norbits come in

and have a, you know,

a big pillow fight for no reason.

Thank you, Hamdalf. Now my life is perfect

because of this bed, the end.

That was a lovely story, Ham.

JUDY: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it was great. But, Dad,

this isn't the bed for you.

Sure, it's pretty and relaxing,

but you hate relaxing.

You like getting things done.

What you need is a bed that works as hard as you do.

Keep talking.

(whistles)

Yep, that's the whistle, now let ol' Judy

tell you about the bells.

You know, fun fact:

- I've never had mango or melon. - Really?

Tropical fruit doesn't make it to Lone Moose very often.

One time, I did have a teaspoon of pineapple-orange flavored

Mucinex. Mmm, I'll never forget it.

Maybe you should try a fruit flower?

- They won't notice just one. - I guess you're right.

Let me tango with some mango.

Honeydew me!

Ah, this is the best thing I've ever tasted.

- You got to try some. - Mm-mmm.

I'm from the Central Valley, and I have very high standards

for fru... Ooh!

Oh, and that is some damn good fruit.

Should we eat just one more?

Mm, one more each. So it looks balanced.

Fruit by the fudge, what have we done?

We buffeted the whole bouquet.

Bedside fax machine,

a footstool that doubles as a Keurig.

Smart A.I. drool absorption technology.

- Do I... want that? - Of course I do.

I mean, you do.

Because in your professional life,

this bed will get you right to the top.

As you will hear in the competition-winning story

of a young woman named Jandrea,

who is a lot like me, but brunette.

Jandrea wakes up in her nondescript apartment

on her lumpy but relatable mattress.

It's her first day working at Mattress,

the premiere mattress magazine.

She's late, but it's cute.

JANDREA: My first job in journalism.

I bet it'll go really smoothly

and everyone will like me right away.

- Hello. - Okay.

First things first, I don't like you.

Now keep up because I'm only gonna say this once.

- I'm first assistant, you're second. - Uh...

- I'm great, you're terrible. - Okay.

- Beefanda is our boss. - Right.

He's pushing out the September Mattress issue,

- going to Mattress Week in Phoenix. Oh. - Uh-huh.

And he's also going through a divorce and getting pushed

out of the company and he's gonna take it all out on you.

- Oh. - Mm, shove it in your hat, the Pope. Ciao.

Hi there. I'm Jandrea,

your new assistant-slash-journalist.

Chug-a-chug-a-snooze-snooze. The new mattress line is in.

- M�n, who's that? - Her? Ugh, don't get me started.

Hmm, these feel more posh futon

than mattress. What do you think?

You know me, a bed skirt and a box spring

and I'm sleepin' all over Seattle.

Let's try a fitted sheet.

And that, sir, is why you get paid the big bucks.

- Groundbreaking. - (laughs)

Is something funny, Pangea?

It's Jandrea. It's just that...

these mattresses all look the same to me.

I'm still learning about these things.

Things? Okay.

You think this doesn't have anything to do with you.

Based on your bed head, you sleep on a

Swedish big box Nerdboink mattress.

What you don't know is that your dumpy

bed-in-a-box isn't made of memory foam.

It's not latex, it's not gel, it's a hybrid.

In 2009, Serta did

a collection of hybrids. Then Stearns and Foster.

Then, in our September issue, we did the defining spread.

Hybrid mattresses sprang up in a dozen department stores.

That lump of coil and foam sitting on your floor

was chosen for you by us.

From a bunch of things.

- Nothing more. - (exhales)

JUDY: And just like that, Jandrea was in

way over her relatable brunette head.

Judy, are you really trying to get Dad to buy you this bed

so you can someday work at a magazine?

(scoffs) Yeah, he doesn't even like them.

- He calls them slippery books. - Shh.

Quiet, both of you, or I'll kick your slippery butts.

Okay, so Jandrea was commiserating

with her new friend-slash-mentor Wolfgang...

Beefanda asked me for a Murphy bed and then I spent

four hours trying to find out what Eddie Murphy sleeps on.

Well, have you ever considered that if you just

bought an attractive performance bed suddenly

you'd become successful and betray all of your friends?

No, I hadn't considered that.

JUDY: So she does it. She buys the bed, which is a great bed.

It's much better than the bed that Ham wanted,

which is frankly garbage.

And then she starts dressing better and she doesn't mind

when her boss throws stuff at her head and then

everything is basically perfect

because she bought the bed.

Sangria, when the rough draft

of the September Mattress issue is ready,

drop it off at my house tonight.

I want you to do it because

now I like you better than I like M�n.

I'll give her the keys.

(Beefanda crying)

Beefanda, are you okay?

Jandrea, I don't want you to see me like this.

My life is in shambles. If it weren't for this affordable

yet feature-rich bed I don't know what I would do.

But I've made a decision.

I want you in Phoenix with me for Mattress Week.

- Yes, absolutely. - Great.

Tell M�n that he's no longer going.

Oh, and could you fall down the stairs on your way out?

- I think it would be funny. - Of course.

- (grunting) - (thumping)

I don't know how to tell M�n he's not going to Phoenix.

I knew the high-end Mattress world would change you,

and I was right.

But I'm still taking this free designer mattress

you brought to this restaurant to give me.

Yeah, and I know we just appeared in this story

out of nowhere, but trust us,

you've turned into a very bad person.

- (grunting) - Whoa, whoa, wait. Please stay.

Maybe I won't betray M�n and tell him

that he's not going to Phoenix. Uh...

- Oh, hi, M�n. - Ouch, Jandrea.

I guess bed bugs do bite.

The only thing that would make this worse

is if I got hit by a taxi.

(grunts) My scarves!

So Jandrea, realizing she's gone too far,

uses a very special feature on the bed: the wake-up call.

Wake-up calls are not an actual feature of the bed.

They are now, Matt.

BED: Jandrea, this is your wake-up call.

As your smart bed, I'm advising you to be ambitious.

- Uh-huh. - But not too ambitious.

- All right. - And also be pretty,

- but not too pretty. - Got it.

And keep those new bangs but wear your old jeans.

Basically, be the best version of yourself.

- JUDY: And that's what she does. - HAM: Okay. I like her now.

JUDY: Right? But Jandrea still has to go to Phoenix

for Mattress Week.

Tempur-Pedic's done it again.

Set a meeting with them. Oh, and also text M�n

and tell him he's a barf bag and he stinks.

You know what, I don't want to.

(phone ringing)

So, what brought you to our little local mattress magazine?

Well, I learned a very important lesson from a performance bed.

And the lesson I learned was that every father

should buy a performance bed,

so that when he dies his daughter can have it.

You're hired.

See, Dad? It's the perfect bed.

For me and you.

I'd love for you to have this bed

if it would change your life, Judy.

I mean, it's $1,800, but I guess I could

spread it out over 15 credit cards.

Father, Father, Father, this isn't the bed for you.

You're a man of action. Sleep bores you.

That's why you only do it for four and half hours a night.

I have four words for you.

Twin. Size. Racecar. Bed.

Matthew, show us your racing fleet.

You want me to show your father a child's racecar bed?

Vroom-vroom, sir.

WOLF: All right, well, with a few items from the truck stop,

I think this arrangement is looking quite eatable again.

We've got chocolates, Peeps, boner pills.

Hopefully this couple has never seen a bouquet.

Or fruit.

Oh, hey. You must be the people from Lone Moose.

Thanks for driving all this way.

Hold on, this is from Nancy?

What is it?

Well, okay, here's the truth.

We made this.

I mean, we got the eatable bouquet,

an actual one with mango and melon.

And really did want to give it to you guys.

But we couldn't help ourselves. We ate it.

Nancy would send us a mango and melon bouquet.

Because she knows I'm deathly allergic to mango

and Sheryl's deathly allergic to melon.

(gasps) Nancy was trying to kill y'all?

Yep. Nancy is his bitter ex, who has apparently moved on

from light stalking to full-on murder.

Hold up. Are we... heroes?

Uh, we wouldn't have eaten it.

We're not stupid. But sure?

Thanks for delivering this, but we've got to move

to another town again. Do you have any ideas?

Uh, never mind, we'll figure it out on the road.

Well, I really like them. I hope we stay in touch.

I'd take a fruit bullet for those two angels any day.

MOON: Looking good.

Looking real good. Now, Dad?

Buckle up, because this bedtime story really moves.

It's about a ten-year-old racing champion.

But he doesn't do regular racing, he does sleep racing.

JUDY: Wait, like, the drivers are asleep?

MOON: Yep. The deeper they sleep, the faster they go.

ANNOUNCER (over P.A.): Moon Raceheart Junior Senior the Third

wins the Sleepy 500!

Moon, wake up, Bud. You did it!

That was an excellent race. And I only invest in excellence.

I'm Beefsteak Fjord,

CEO of Norwegian sleep racecar company Fjord.

I want to sponsor you and beat the Italian carmaker

Santiago Car-race-io in the famous

24-hour race, the Sleep Le Mans.

Yes, great, let's team up even though we just met.

Because I bet you'll turn out to be kind of

a father figure to me and I'll learn a lot

from you about changing my hot-headed ways.

So Moon Race Heart Junior Senior the Third agreed to work

with Beefsteak Fjord and build the greatest racecar bed

in automotive mattress history

during a classic build-a-racecar montage.

You know what it's like. Sparks fly, drills go, "bzz-bzz."

People wipe sweat from their brow.

But in the end, it's all worth it.

Boy, am I glad we did that montage,

'cause our car is pretty sweet.

MOON: Team Fjord had one last practice race

before the Sleep Le Mans.

ANNOUNCER: Moon takes the lead. That Fjord racecar bed

can really move, and is still affordable.

I want to buy one right now to pass on to my youngest son.

HAM: He was doing great, but then something catastrophic happened.

A nightlight turned on, disturbing his sleep!

Dang-tona 500!

Where is that light coming from?

Hey, Moon. Stay asleep, bud. Shh.

(grunting) Aah!

"Car-race-io brand"?

- Sabotaggio. - MATTHEW: Just to say,

these beds are really only designed

to hold the weight of a child.

It's fine. You're fine, right, Dad?

- Actually... - He's great.

So, back at the racetrack, it's race day

at the 24-hour race known as the Sleep Le Mans.

And Santiago Car-race-cio will be tough to beat.

Don't worry about him.

You worry about winning the race.

MOON: They were at the four-hour mark.

Judy-etto and Moon were tied for first.

Then Judy-etto went in for a pit stop.

(speaks Italian)

Sabotaggio.

MOON: By the next morning,

Moon Raceheart Junior Senior the Third

had a comfortable lead, so then

he went in for a pit stop.

He's coming in!

(whispering): Be very, very quiet.

No monsters.

Sweet dreams.

MOON: Then the unthinkable happened.

- (gasps) We got a leak. - Moon wet the bed.

Sorry, did you just have yourself wet the bed

- in your own story? - Yeah, I do what it takes.

I'll poop myself in my story if I have to.

- So, back at the race... - His pajamas are still damp.

We don't have time to change him. We got to hope

- that he makes it. Go, go, go. - ANNOUNCER: Final lap.

MOON: The finish line's in sight, but if Raceheart Junior Senior

wakes up because of his pee-pee pajamas, he'll crash!

- (phone rings) - Talk to me. It's the boss.

He thinks he's come up with a way

to keep Moon asleep. We got to patch him through.

? Hush, Moon Raceheart Junior Senior the Third ?

? Remember what I said ?

? Papa's gonna buy himself a racecar bed ?

? And if that racecar bed still runs ?

? Papa's gonna give it to his youngest son. ?

MOON: And so, Moon Raceheart Junior Senior the Third

is lulled back to sleep.

And in the last lap, he rockets past

Judy-etto, winning the 24-hour Sleep Le Mans!

ANNOUNCER: Moon Tobin wins!

The son won the race

because the father figure sang him a song.

Oh, you little jerk, you tugged

- on Dad's heartstrings. - Damn it.

- I'll take the racecar bed. - No! You will not.

I can't let a grown man buy a tiny, whimsically-themed bed.

I'm sorry, sir, but your selfish children are driving me

just bonkers and now I'm gonna give you all a lecture.

Fine, but please go ahead

and draw up the lease paperwork on this bed while you do it,

- my good man. - Not a chance.

Sir, listen. I have two kids and I know

what it's like to always put them first,

but this should be something for you.

Kids, I bet your dad does a lot for you.

And-and now you can do something for him.

- Help him pick what he actually wants. - (sighs)

I'm sorry, Dad. Maybe we did get a little carried away.

Whatever you buy will be a great Tobin family heirloom.

I agree, as long as

- it's the racecar. - Moon. - Moon.

-Well, this is a big decision.

It might take me days.

We are open till 8:00, sir.

Medium firm, standard queen.

Totally worth staying three hours after closing.

And then spending four hours resizing your frame

with some precise carpentry work.

Hey, guys, you won't believe the wild day we had.

Is it wilder than Dad finally getting a new mattress?

Wait, where's the old one?

We dropped it at Junkyard Kyle's.

What?! That mattress was my birthright.

I'm going to Junkyard Kyle's.

- Wolf, no. - Birthright.

- ? Melons and mangos ? - ? Mangos and melons ?

? I got a little taste and then I fell in love ?

? Where'd you get those cantaloupes, hon? ?

? Look so tasty ?

? That you know I gotta grab 'em ?

- ? Uh-uh ? - ? Yes, watermelons ?

? Honeydews and casabas ?

? Look so good you know I need you in my bod-ah ?

- ? Where in your body? ? - ? I'm just really into fruit ?

? I want it inside of me... ?

Okay, I give up. Have fun with it, Wolf.

- ? Melons and mangos ? - ? Mangos and melons ?

? I got a little taste and then I fell in love. ?

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0