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Are you kissing?

Your father's ashes have barely begun to drift out to sea.

Get out of this car!

It's always the short ones.

I'm sorry, Dr. Vishwakumar,

and, uh, my condolences?

- Bye. - "Bye."

Kazhudai. "Bye. Bye."

I mean, what disgraceful behavior, Devi!

What are you gonna do at my funeral? Just have sex on top of my grave?

I pray it's a closed casket.

I'm sorry, Mom.

I just got overcome with emotion because I love Dad so much!

- I would've kissed anyone. - Okay, fine.

I'm just gonna let it slide.

I've done crazy things when I'm emotional too.

I once hugged a man at Circuit City

when I found out a damaged printer was 80% off.

Is that why our printer's so bad?

Hmm?

Hey, I'm in your neighborhood.

Thought maybe we can hang out, but, uh, it seems like you're busy.

So, uh...

Anyway, you can give me a call or text or whatever.

Okay.

Holy shit.

Holy shit is right, Devi.

Ever since their steamy kiss in his car,

he'd been icing her out.

As a former teen jock myself,

I was not surprised by this behavior.

My advice to Devi,

don't let this voicemail get your hopes up.

Just give up on Paxton.

Set your sights on someone more attainable,

like that kid Ben you were just mouth kissing,

or that boy in math class who's allergic to the sun.

Be right in.

Oh my God!

Screw the allergy kid.

That's Paxton!

Hey, were you waiting for me?

No. I was, uh, just chilling.

Outside of my house?

Wait. Have you been here since you left me that message?

No.

Well, yeah, I was waiting because I had nothing better to do.

And then I got hungry, so I ordered some Chinese food,

but I mean, I... I honestly, was just about to leave.

This is the longest Paxton Hall-Yoshida has ever spoken.

Wait! Is he nervous?

So, like, what's up?

Uh, it was kind of a special day. We spread my dad's ashes in Malibu.

No shit.

That's intense.

Hmm.

So, did you have something you were gonna tell me or...

Yeah, I guess I just wanted to say

I feel really bad for being such a dick to you.

Yeah, you really were.

I don't kiss guys that often, Paxton.

I thought maybe I did something wrong.

Like, maybe I flooded your mouth with saliva.

No, no. The kiss was fine. It was good.

I was just being dumb,

and...

I'm sorry.

Was it the greatest apology? No.

He mostly looked at his shoes, and the vocabulary was limited,

but when it comes out of that beautiful mouth,

it's friggin' Shakespeare.

So would you maybe want to, like, come over for dinner tomorrow night?

Dinner? At your house? Y... you and me?

Eating together? At the same table?

Yeah. How do you normally eat dinner with people?

All right. Well, I'll see you tomorrow, Vishwakumar.

Whoa! Did Devi just French Ben at the beach

and get asked on a date by Paxton?

Did hell freeze over in the last hour?

How is it possible that this formally uneffable nerd

has two boys that are into her?

Devi lay in her bed

pondering these two grand romantic gestures.

Ben had broken the law, stolen his Dad's car,

and risked his life to help her say goodbye to her dad,

but Paxton had left her a voicemail.

A voicemail!

We're talking about a boy who usually texts the letter "K."

And since Zoomers rarely call anyone on the phone,

checking Paxton's voicemail led her to find another one

she had forgotten about.

Hi, it's Dad. I'm...

I'm here at the mall to pick you up.

I'm parked in front of P.F. Chang's,

but a brute security guard is making me circle around.

Uh, oh, wait, I see you. Ah! There's my perfect girl.

Ugh! This Trader Joe's puttanesca keeps falling out.

Wow. You're taking so many snacks to India.

You'll be the hero of the family.

- Damn. Indian people love Trader Joe's. - They do.

If I can bribe an uncle with a box of Thai Lime & Chili cashews,

maybe we can get a good deal on a condo for the two of us.

Kamala, inga vaadi. Just need some help.

Nalini was still set on moving to India

at the end of the month,

but first, she needed to go there to set things up

and kiss up to her family.

Ugh!

This sucks a butt.

I can't believe we're moving to stupid India.

Things were just getting good for me here.

Oh, because now you kiss boys in overpriced SUVs?

Yeah, there'll be no more of that.

Yeah, because you're dragging me away

from the only home I've ever known.

Listen, Devi,

I know this is not what you want,

but I just need more family around us.

So can you please just give this a chance?

And while Devi wasn't thrilled about the move,

she felt close to her mom for the first time in a while

and didn't want to mess that up.

It doesn't matter. I'll be back here in two years,

going to Princeton, dating a guy in a band.

I'll get a tattoo of his name under my boobs like Rihanna.

Over my dead body.

So, I have a very exciting day today.

I'm gonna meet with this other dermatologist in my building.

I'm gonna try and sell him my patient roster

for a vastly inflated price.

Whoa. Dr. Jackson?

He took the fat out of Ben's mom's double chin

and stuck it in her butt. It looks amazing.

And he drives a Maybach. It would be ostentatious on anyone else,

but somehow he drives it with a quiet humility.

Who needs all that flash?

I think people prefer no-frills, immigrant values

when it comes to their dermatologist.

In your dreams, Mom.

I have an exciting day as well.

Today I start my new PhD rotation for, get this, Dr. Elgin Peters' lab.

He's basically the LeBron of stem cell research.

He's the reason I went to Caltech.

His work on gallbladder cells is breathtaking.

It is so annoying how no one knows

how nerdy you are because you're so hot.

Thank you, Devi.

As Devi entered Facing History,

she was also facing love triangle.

What an embarrassment of riches!

I know what you kids are thinking.

This is just like the time in 1979 when I won the US Open Doubles title

and later that same week, the Men's Singles title.

Wow! Look at that gorgeous hair.

Anyway, she was on a hot streak.

She probably would have felt guilty if it weren't so exciting.

Good morning, Ben. Good morning, Paxton.

So nice to see both of you on this fine day.

Salutations, my protégés.

How were your weekends?

I spent mine in Little Ethiopia refreshing my collection of dashikis.

My weekend was pretty great.

Yeah, my weekend was tight.

They're talking about you, Devi. Be cool.

I spread my dad's ashes at the beach.

Nope.

Ah yes.

Antyeshti, the last samskara

in a series of life cycle events in the Hindu tradition.

- I would've loved to have joined. - That would've been weird.

Perhaps. I wanna remind everybody

that our annual community service day is tomorrow,

and we are going to be removing trash from a park in Pacoima,

but the real cleansing will be to...

our own consciences.

Oh, I know that park. I love littering there.

Hi. We're here to see Dr. Jackson.

- Okay. - Ugh! What rubbish is this?

What kind of doctor sells pumpkin spice body butter?

It's actually very helpful for burn victims.

Hello, Dr. Vishwakumar.

Dr. Jackson.

How can I help you today?

Wow! Is Wolverine your patient?

Oh, Hugh? His family stays at my place in Tahoe.

I always forget he's a celebrity. He's just so down-to-earth.

Dr. Jackson, as you know,

I am moving my family back to India and...

Oh, is... is that why you're leaving?

I assumed you lost your medical license for negligence.

Hilarious joke. Anyway, I have an enviable client roster,

and well, they can all be yours for no less than $100,000.

Now, you're the hilarious one.

Thank you for stopping by.

Take some SPF lip balm on your way out.

Wait, wait, you must not have heard me.

My entire roster of loyal patients isn't attractive to you?

I don't need your patients. I'm very successful.

Netflix wants me for a docu-series called Field of Derms.

James Earl Jones is the host.

Ooh, you should do it. I'd watch it.

Okay, look. Even though our priorities are very different,

and your office looks like Caesars Palace,

I would feel better leaving,

knowing that they're being cared for by someone who is...

good at their job.

I'll give you ten grand.

Fine.

Oh, and, Tracey, we're always looking for experienced RNs.

Oh, really? Can I leave my resume?

She'd rather go back to working at Jamba Juice. Let's go.

Take the samples, the lip balm. There's eye cream there.

Make-up bag, whatever you can stuff in your pockets.

You kissed Ben Gross?

Paxton asked you out?

On top of you moving to India?

Wait, what's happening?

I know. It's a lot.

This is insane.

Guys, my mom's made up her mind. We're definitely moving.

Well, India is at the cutting edge of robotics.

My robot, Gears Brosnan, has friends in Mumbai,

so we'd come visit you.

Me too.

I heard you can make a great living in Bollywood movies

playing the evil American.

Devi, we're gonna miss you so much.

I know. I'm gonna miss you guys too.

But that's why I have to figure out my boy situation stat!

This is my last chance for an American high school boyfriend.

So obviously this calls for a... Drum roll, please.

Pros and cons list.

Devi didn't know how she could make this decision.

She really liked both Ben and Paxton,

and each one had so much going for them.

- On one hand, Ben... - Paxton.

What? We're not done with the list yet.

- Paxton! - Guys, how can you be so sure?

Ben is an obnoxious hobbit who has tortured you for countless years.

Paxton is a mixed-race hottie who got scouted to model

while in the audience at The Price is Right.

If I could have a smoke show like Paxton,

Oliver would be kicked to the curb.

But Ben did do such a heroic thing

driving me all the way to Malibu to spread my dad's ashes.

Uh, is it that heroic to drive slowly from the Valley to the Westside?

My dad does it every day for work.

He also mended the friendship between the three of us.

Yeah, fine.

But there will be a billion cocky nerds like Ben at Princeton.

This is your one chance to hook up with a Paxton,

and when you're old and on your deathbed,

whose naked body do you want to be picturing?

On my deathbed, wouldn't I be thinking

about my kids and grandkids and stuff?

No, that's a myth.

I guess I wouldn't mind seeing a nude Paxton when I bite the dust.

Exactly.

So, I should let Ben down easy and choose Paxton.

But what if I hurt Ben?

- Yay! She chose Paxton! - Yes!

Ooh, is that Eve? Are you officially girlf and girlf?

Yeah.

What's a Villanelle?

Uh, the question is, "Who is Villanelle?"

And the answer is the iconic anti-hero of Killing Eve

who slays both people and amazing fashion looks.

Fabiola was on a text chain with her girlfriend, Eve,

and all of Eve's queer friends.

She didn't always get their references

because she knew almost nothing of pop culture.

What's a Bebe Rexha? Oh! Is that a robot like BB-8?

Oh, honey.

Anyway, as I was saying,

I may have been the one to accept the award,

but Nobels are not won alone.

They are won as a team,

and so I just wanted to say thank you for being my team.

And just imagine,

the research we are doing today

may one day lead to a world without gallstones.

Uhp-uhp-uhp, Speed Racer, where are you going?

Just trying to talk to Dr. Peters.

Yeah, unfortunately,

a scientific rock star like Dr. Peters needs to return to work.

I'm his head research assistant, right-hand man, Evan Safstrom.

- I'll be your mentor/hero. - Goodbye, everyone.

I was really looking forward to working with him.

He's busy, so you're mostly gonna be dealing with me.

Okay, let's meet the other people in the lab.

Okay, we got Vivek, Marshall, Kachik, Edvard, Emilio.

There's Setseg, and there's Wally, the walrus.

Guys, go. Say hi to the newbie, Kamaa-la.

- Oh, it's Kamala. - Camel-a. Got it.

Nice to meet you.

You probably have, like, a really handsome boyfriend, huh?

Sorry, you have to work with bunch of gross nerds like us.

That's not true. You're not gross.

Oh.

- Oh God. - Okay.

All right. Everybody, come on. Back to work.

Kamala, can you hang back a second?

Would you mind washing out those beakers there?

They look a little... meh!

Oh, uh...

- Sure. - Cool.

Thanks for being such a team player. See you around.

Later that day,

Devi had to do something she had never done before in her life,

break someone's heart.

So she came armed with something she hoped would offset the bad news.

I got you cashew brittle. Top of the line.

My mom keeps it for funerals or apologies to neighbors.

Hmm. Well, I'm not your neighbor, so are you planning to kill me or...

Uh, no.

I would never do anything to hurt you.

So we should talk about what happened.

Yeah.

Um, Ben...

I don't know if that was the right thing to do.

It wasn't.

Because of Shira.

Right, of course.

It's not okay to be unfaithful to someone like that.

She deserves more.

I mean, she was the person who gave me my first handy,

which is why I broke up with her today.

- You did? - Big time.

Even though her boobs are

the biggest rack of natties out of anyone in our entire grade,

it wasn't real.

What you and I have is.

- It is? - Do you know that last night

I stood up to my parents for the first time in my life?

Now we're gonna have dinner together once a week.

Because of you.

Wow.

That's why I want you to be my girlfriend, Devi.

I... I know you're moving to India, but I'm cool with long distance.

My dad has access to a PJ.

A private jet.

You don't have to say anything right now, but...

Devi, I'm all-in.

Ugh! She was kissing him again!

Devi, what are you doing?

This was the worst breakup ever.

Even though she felt guilty about Ben,

Devi had to follow through on her date with Paxton.

I mean, it was Paxton.

She had been in love with him since the third grade

when his family moved from Bakersfield.

And even though he never knew she existed...

... her crush on him had lasted the test of time.

You dropped your maxi pads!

The last time Devi had gone over to Paxton's house like this,

it was for no-strings-attached sex,

but tonight was a real date

between two people who are actually dating.

If there was sex, there'd be strings.

Hey, you look nice.

Thanks. So do you.

He really did. No flip-flops. No pit stains.

A shirt with actual buttons.

This date was going to be awesome.

Grab a seat, Lil' D.

'Sup, Coyote Girl?

Ow! Trent! What the hell?

Whoops! Did I just hit you in the boob?

Yeah, you did.

Whoa.

I just hit your mountains with my Dew.

You hit her cans with your can.

Dude, shut up!

It's all good. So I take it you two are about to head out?

Nah, bro, pizza's on its way.

We got triple sausage 'cause we're three guys.

Oh, shit. Now we got four for Call of Duty. Fire it up.

Uh... Eh... Okay. So, Paxton and me versus you two?

Oh no, little buddy. Marcus and I gotta be on the same team.

We're magic together.

Thanks for taking the time to make me feel special tonight.

Really?

Wait, so I have to be on the same team as Denise?

Devi.

Whatever. This is a huge waste of time.

And that was exactly

how Devi was starting to feel about this date.

Hey, Prashant.

Oh. Hi, Devi. Is Kamala around?

Yeah, I'll get her in a sec.

Listen, I need some advice about matters of the heart.

Here's a question. You're a handsome guy, right?

Is that the question?

How many friends would you bring to a first date with a girl?

Uh, zero?

That's what I thought.

Here comes Kamala. You're a good guy, Prashant.

Let me know if you ever need any advice.

I'm really mature about tons of shit.

I'm sure you are. Thank you, Devi.

Move.

He's all yours.

Hey, so I was

brainstorming things we could do when I visit you in a couple of weeks.

What do you think about going to see Jimmy Kimmel?

I just love Guillermo.

Right, you're visiting.

That'll be cool.

Okay, that feels like the same level of excitement you'd reserve

for someone you, uh...

What's the word? Uh, detest?

I'm sorry.

I am excited to see you, Prashant.

I had the first day of my new rotation, and it didn't go great.

But Dr. Peters is the LeBron of stem cell research. What happened?

I didn't even really get to talk to him.

I had to spend most of the day cleaning beakers

for a bunch of nerdy scientists who barely talked to me.

First days are always weird.

I'm sure it will get better

once you all get to know each other.

Besides, how can anyone not like you?

Thank you, Prashant.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Oh, and I already booked us Jimmy Kimmel tickets.

I, too, love Guillermo.

The next morning, Devi was recounting

the excruciating details of her non-date with Paxton and his friends.

No candlelit dinner?

No rose petals in a little trail leading to the bedroom door?

Where he's arranged more petals

in a giant heart in his California king bed?

If it wasn't obvious to you before,

these two girls are both virgins.

His friends didn't even leave.

I finally took off when Trent ate way too much pizza and barfed.

Ugh!

I guess Paxton just wants to be friends.

Maybe it's for the best. His penis is too big.

Yeah, he was wearing gray sweatpants the other day at drop off.

My mom rear-ended a bus.

Well, this is great because Ben's into me, and I'm into him.

So I'll just chill on the B train until I have to go to India.

Problem solved.

Yeah, and Ben's penis seems more normal.

Mm.

- Hey, babe. - Hey.

A bunch of us were thinking about

going to an L Word trivia night tomorrow.

- Do you want to come? - Sure. Yeah.

I watch that show. The "L" stands for lesbian.

Good work, Fab.

You really sound like a hip, young, gay woman.

Henry David Thoreau once said,

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately,

and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."

Yeah, but he was talking about Walden Pond.

This is a field full of trash in Pacoima.

Aw, cool! A condom!

Ugh!

That's right, Trent. Contraception is cool.

It's what allowed women to join the workforce.

This right here is freedom.

All righty. Everybody partner up.

Hey, Ben, want to pick up trash with me?

I'll do puddles so you don't stain your sneakers.

Deal, but just don't slow me down.

I'm trying to fill ten bags by lunch so

I can be interviewed by the local paper.

Is this a headshot?

- Wow, LA trash is depressing. - I know.

I think I saw a silicone breast implant.

Oh.

So, about yesterday,

I thought about what you said, and...

I'm in. I'd like to be your girlfriend.

As long as we don't kill each other, I think it could be nice.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Okay. That's awesome.

An AVN award? For MILF performer of the year.

That's bleak.

- Hey. - Hey.

Uh, if you're looking for Trent,

he's over there peeing on a dead skunk.

Well, I was actually looking for you.

- Can I talk to you for a sec? - Mm-hmm.

Why didn't you pick me to be your partner?

I thought we had like something going on.

What are you talking about?

You clearly don't like me like that.

Yeah, I do. Why would I take you on a date if I didn't like you?

That wasn't a date. Your friends were there.

My friends are always on my dates.

They leave when it's time to hook up.

Like, last night we could have hooked up,

but then Trent barfed, and you left.

Yeah. I left because Trent was barfing on our date.

Okay, you're right.

The barfing wasn't ideal,

but I didn't realize you wanted it to be like a one-on-one thing.

That's what a date is by definition.

Fine. Okay. I... I will take you on a real date.

It's too late now.

And besides, I'm moving to India.

You're moving to India? Like, forever?

Yeah. Like, in a month.

We'll have to make this time count.

Guess what? Due to my negotiating savvy,

I was able to sell my patient roster

to Dr. Jackson for a king's ransom.

That's awesome, Mom, but did Dr. Jackson give you any samples?

Here are your stupid samples. They're not that great.

Whoa, hyaluronic acid. Score.

So, how was your useless trash picking day?

I love that I pay taxes to send you to school

to do another thing I pay taxes for.

Uh, it was fine.

You better not be kissing any more boys.

Why would you say "boys" plural?

Because they are all off limits.

Making love to Donna awakened something in me.

Ooh! The L Word. Are you watching the new one or the old one?

There is an old one?

How many hours is that?

Guys, who cares? I have bigger news. Paxton kissed me in the park.

What?

What am I gonna do?

I don't wanna break up with Ben. He really pushes me.

I filled up 15 bags of garbage today.

So you're gonna break up with Paxton?

Of course not. Paxton69! is the password to all of my accounts.

You definitely have to choose. I mean...

... what's the alternative? Date two guys until you move to India?

And that was it. That was all Devi needed to hear.

If they found out, they'd be so pissed.

I mean, you'll be in India, so you'll kinda be off the hook but...

A way out of her predicament

that required no introspection or mature decision-making,

two things Devi hated.

So you're saying I should just have two boyfriends?

- No. - Definitely not.

But it was too late. Devi knew what she was going to do.

Oh my God. I have two boyfriends.

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Go to bed.