Original subtitles

Good morning, my queen.

Good morning, Ding-Dong.

I think today can be a special one for you.

I think you're right, Pammy.

I found some backwash from this one.

[coughs and burps]

Nice.

Come on, Dinger, I'm serious,

I sense a change coming, something for the better.

Pammy, you're the only thing that's good for me.

No, Dinger, something really good for you.

Just be open to it.

So now you gotta go to the other guy, huh?

Hey, come on, sweetie. Dont be jealous.

You know youre my only fully-interactive fantasy.

Just remember, carpe diem.

Carpe Diem.

God, I love it when you talk dirty to me.

You are the sexiest thing thats ever been on this beach.

[tingling sound]

[tingle]

[hard rock music]

[Tasty] We have waves, palm trees, man.

My kind of school.

[Tasty] Yo. Whoa, who, whos this babe right here?

[Carla] Hi, handsome. How are you?

[Kyle] You look beautiful.

Thank you.

Yeah, youre no Aunt Carla. You got body karate.

Thats Tasty.

And thats Doobie.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Those arent names for good students.

[Carla] You know the drill.

Free room, board and tutoring in exchange for some really hard work.

You could take a lesson from our resident surf pro,

but unfortunately, hes a little comatose these days.

You guys heard of Dinger Doolittle?

Dinger Doolittle, the former World Champ?

Yeah, the guy used to be my hero.

Hm, now hed be in Lindsay Lohans hero.

[chuckles]

[Inga] Hi, Carla.

Hi, girls.

[celestial music]

[Swedish accent] I see the boys are here.

[Inga] Ve are going svimming now,

so maybe after you unpack you want to cool off? Ya?

Ya.

Okay, ve go unpack, yeah? Yeah.

[celestial music]

[Tasty] We are going fishing for Swedish fish.

Twenty, twenty-one.

[cheerful music]

Ready to play?

[Rikki] Ready. [giggles]

Ya, you boys are such good strong svimmers.

Yeah, vonderful. [giggles]

You boys want to play pool game?

Yeah.

Strip poker!

That is not pool game.

Oh, with you and some plastic cards, it is.

Yeah. [chuckles]

I am Inga.

I am Rikki.

I can move.

[Eva] No need.

As long as you let me read in peace.

You're not Swedish.

And youre not letting me read in peace.

Sorry.

[Rikki] We were thinking about playing Marco Polo. We against you.

[Tasty] Uh, okay. And we come and grab you

[both] Ya. [both giggle]

Okay, I'm in.

Yeah.

But I think this make the game more fun.

[both] Ya?

Ya. [giggles]

Ya.

Oh. [giggles]

[Tasty] Ya.

[both] Ya.

Ya. Okay, let's play it.

I could ask them to stop.

You could, but you won't.

Youre a surfer.

Not exactly in your character.

Bye.

[Doobie and Tasty] Marco.

[Rikki] Polo.

[Tasty] Marco.

Polo.

[Doobie] Marco.

[Tasty] Marco.

[both] Polo.

Marco.

[Tasty] Marco!

Polo.

[Doobie] Marco.

[Tasty] Marco.

Polo.

[Tasty] Marco.

[Doobie] Marco?

Polo.

Marco?

Polo.

Marco.

[both] Polo.

[both] Marco.

Polo.

Whoa.

[Tasty] Was I just dreaming?

Are you knuckleheads ready to surf Costa Rica?

[cheerful music in Spanish]

Whoo-hoo!

[Doobie] Bro, I think I saw a mermaid.

[Tasty] Dude, those waves are carved out of marble.

[Doobie] Dude, I cant believe how warm this water is.

[Kyle] Told yo, Costa Rica, baby,

I cant wait to meet Dinger.

[sexy music]

[laughs]

Hans.

Looks like youve got a cocktail frank in there.

Or maybe its a little wiener schnitzel /i. [laughs]

No, get outta here. Im serious.

You fuck-up. You.

[whistling of supposed projectile]

[imitates explosion sound]

[laughs]

I dont think FedEx even delivers a package that small.

[Doobie] Forget school and just surf.

[Tasty] Shred.

[Kyle] One day youll learn about priorities, Tasty,

lifes not just about catching waves.

Oh-ho.

Thats the day that Doobie and I

say, check, please. Were going to pipeline heaven

in the sky. Thank you

Its like surf or die, brother.

[Kyle] Hey, guys. Lets go talk to Dinger Doolittle.

[Tasty] Ah, Dinger.

[Pammy] Hey, Ding-Dong.

I think today could be a special for one for you.

European men will no longer be allowed to wear Speedos on the beach.

Thank God.

Cause if I see another banana hammock around here, I

Ill never eat fruit again.

[Dinger] Whoa! Who the heck are you squids?

We came to meet... you.

Were helping out Carla.

Now, thats a woman that the Dinger

needs to get to know up close and personal

cause she is one tasty tuna tartar.

Shes a sexy salmon surprise.

Just the classiest clam Ive ever-- Oh.

[laughs]

Who are you again?

I'm Kyle. Her nephew.

Oh. Magnificent woman.

Upstanding character.

I mean, Ive never even thought about playing hiding the halibut with her,

or fondle the flounder, or grinding the grouper on her--

Okay. Got it. Got it.

Aunt Carla tell you about Brad the Butt-munching butt-muncher?

No. Who is that?

Some ex-surf pros ass I used to kick on the reg.

Now he inherited all of his daddys dinero and he bought up half this coast.

And youre aunts falling behind on her payments.

That's why she needed the help.

Yep. Your Aunt Carla sure got her tit in a ringer.

[Kyle] What?

Whoa. That was just a metaphor.

I would never talk about your aunts gorgeous guavas like that.

I mean, with the ample size of those merry melons,

I dont think I could even get em in a ringer.

What?

Who?

Hey, before Carla has a titty tantrum,

check out this shit I swiped from my dad.

Whoo-hoo!

All right. Home brewed.

Dad keeps it in the garage refrigerator at 38 degrees. Smell it.

Whoa.

Dude, it smells like gasoline and vomit.

Right?

Old school potent shit.

You know my dad used to be a pimp in the '70s?

Nice.

He said this would set him up for the takedown every time.

Yeah.

Would definitely take a girl down, thats for sure.

Might kill one, too.

Yeah. Take it down treasure lane.

[rainfall]

[sniffs] What do you two have on?

[chuckles]

It's his dad's super pimp potion.

Well, it smells more like gasoline and vomit.

[Tasty] See, it just takes time

for it to work on hot babes like you, you know.

Honey, I dont have enough time in the day for that

Go shower before I hose you off myself.

Yeah, but how are you gonna go crazy for us with hot teacher desire?

Hamilton!

You wanna watch us take a shower?

Im, you can do it later. [laughs]

[soft music sung in Spanish]

♪ Everything's gonna be alright

Sat back and close my eyes ♪

[Cipes] Hey, bro, sit down, man.

[Cipes] You know, you have real artists out there, huh?

Ripping it up. I can feel it. I can see it.

Man, thats what brought me here.

Six months ago, dude,

working at a Pizza Hut, making six bucks an hour.

And I came to this ledge, right, and looked down and it was a long way to go.

And I just--

I chose to fly, man.

And if I was to sit back on that ledge

and not jump, [light thunder]

I might have been waiting a lifetime.

And a lifetimes a long time to wait, bro.

[plays instrument] This is a conscious revolution.

[plays instrument]

And know this,

♪ Everything's gonna be alright

♪ Sat back and closed my eyes

♪ And found the reason why

♪ I chose to fly

♪ Some things just have to change

[Brad] No, no, I said sell it. Man, its hot here, huh?

Okay. So this is what I want, brother.

I want condominiums back here. Remove all this stuff.

Dinger Doolittle?

Remove him, please.

Do you understand?

[Dinger] Hey, Brad.

Got my rent check, bro? I stuffed it in one of my bottles

and should be floating your way in a few days.

[laughs]

[laughs]

Couldnt we just build around this, sir? I mean--

No, no, no. Did you hear what I said?

I said, remove it all. Okay?

[Brad's friend] Dinger.

Pelican. 5:00. Happy hour?

[Brad's friend] Beers on me, bro.

Mr. Taylor.

Later.

[Brad's friend] Dick.

Come on, lets get back on top, Dinger.

Dont you think its time to set some goals? Stop drinking, get a job?

You know, maybe a shower?

Jeez. Cant we just stick to the fantasy stuff, Pammy?

Theres no need for you to go all Hasselhoff on me.

[hard rock music]

[reggae music]

We make a good team, you and I, you know?

Thats real romantic, Brad.

[Carla] All right.

Let me get this straight.

I sleep with you,

I get to keep my motel. I dont, you foreclose.

God. You make me sound like such a beast.

You know what? Maybe we got off on the wrong foot.

I mean, couldnt I maybe be a romantic good guy?

Couldnt I be a man whos crazy about you and sees a future together?

I mean, is it, is it that terrible to explore the possibility?

Is it?

Uh-huh.

[Kyle] Everything all right here?

[Tasty] You need us to do some kung fu or anything like that?

[Doobie] Oh, we could totally take him down. [laughs]

[Doobie whispers] Pow. [chuckles]

You guys, everything is fine. This is Brad Taylor.

Brad Taylor?

[Brad] That's right, man.

I had your poster. Potty trained my puppy on it. [giggles]

Whoa.

Thats Dickwad Taylor

Exactly.

Ha-ha. Compliments galore today, huh, boys?

[Kyle] You really are good, man,

you just managed to always lose to Dinger Doolittle. [chuckles]

Ah. And you must be the nephew?

Dinger Doolittle might have gotten lucky and won a few surf contests,

but he certainly didnt turn out too good in the end, now, did he?

In fact, I think I can smell him on the beach from here.

[boys sniff]

Look, I dont wanna do this. In fact, I would be ecstatic for you to keep this place.

Let me prove it to you over dinner tomorrow night.

Pick you up at 7:00.

Come on. What do you say?

Fine.

Great decision!

You see boys? The good guys always win in the end. Hmm.

Whoa. Dickwad was a good name. [giggles]

If going to dinner with Brad Taylor

means that I get to keep this place

for another day, another minute,

thats a small price to pay.

I love this place.

Yeah, but hes such a jerk.

Tell me about it.

This place is cool.

It is cool.

Just ask your mother about her hapless little sister.

I was a failure as a wife. I was a failure as a teacher.

Apparently Im about to be a failure as a motel owner in paradise.

You havent failed as my coolest aunt.

Youve always been that.

[light thunder and rainfall]

Thank you.

I just wish being a cool aunt paid better.

All right. Enough about my miserable life.

Stanford, huh?

Uh, mmm.

Is that about that surfing dream

that your parents are so relieved you gave up?

They're right.

I mean,

Dinger was the best and look what happened to him.

Cant get sidetracked trying to surf pro.

Its, its Stanford.

It is Stanford.

But its your life.

All right, Im off to class.

You know, my friend,

I thought I couldnt reach my students before and they were on planet Earth.

You have sent me on a mission to Mars.

Uh, I know. [chuckles]

Thank you.

[chuckles]

[soft music]

[Kyle] Dinger, Brad is taking Carla to dinner tonight.

Brad? The butt-munching butt-muncher?

[Kyle] Yeah, he wants to foreclose the hotel if she doesnt, you know.

Play bury the barracuda? [chuckles]

Or tickle the tuna?

Dinger, she needs your help.

My help?

Yeah. Brad hates you because you kicked his ass on the surf tour.

Damn Skippy.

If you challenge him to a surf contest,

hell accept no matter what the bet is.

I mean, look at you. He, hes gotta think

you can barely stand, much less surf.

Well, arent you just the little ego-booster from hell.

You know what? Forget about me.

You challenge him to a surf-off,

bet the hotel, you win, she wins.

Why dont we just build a spaceship and go to Pluto?

Are you gonna help Carla or not?

Your Aunt Carla is a goddess.

Id lay down my life for a woman like her.

And theres a time where she might even have noticed.

Maybe the time is now.

Youre the reason I became a surfer.

Low blow, bro'.

Kid playing the hero card.

Too bad Dinger doesnt play cards.

Youd play a little strip poker with me, wouldnt you, honey?

We have time for a game or two.

It is getting awfully hot and this shirt is suffocating.

Oh, yeah, the girls look like theyre over-heating.

[Dinger] You wanna play strip poker, Ill play strip poker.

Well, just take my hand, baby then we can play.

Go ahead. Take it.

[harp music]

Im sorry, bro.

I dont know what Im thinking.

You know what though?

Im in.

[soft music]

[Carla] Okay, guys. I really dont have time for nonsense.

You wanna pass this test thatll allow you

to repeat your senior year at Malibu High, right?

Okay. Well, Ive gone over all the material

and I think I could help you.

But you have to be willing and open to learn.

Hamilton?

I would be more open to learning

if you were more open to wearing a bikini to class. [both giggle]

[Doobie] Whoa.

Id be down for, like, a G-string. [giggles]

Okay. Lesson number one, boys.

If you ever say anything sexually related to me again,

youre on the first plane back home. Comprende ?

[giggles]

Si.

And you, Richard.

Youre gonna omit the word "whoa," from your vocabulary.

Wh--

No! One more time

and youre outta here.

[Tasty] I can see why you quit teaching, Ms. Terminator.

No wonder you and your friend are on the way to a special school.

You two are like the village idiots.

Im sure its really cool when you were young.

But right now, its really pathetic.

Shes a horrible teacher.

Whoa.

Chicks dig us, right?

Thanks.

Marco.

Okay. I guess I was a little--

Harsh?

Judgmental? Rude?

How bout focused?

How bout rudely focused?

I can live with that.

Okay. Truce.

I'm Eva.

I'm Kyle.

I know. Your aunt was raving about you.

So youre like a pro surfer, whatever that is?

Im not really a pro.

I just graduated high school and, believe it or not,

Im starting college in the fall.

Me, too. Where?

Its gonna kill your stupid surfer hypothesis.

Stanford.

Stanford?

That's too weird.

Dont tell me out of all the great bastions of academia,

you chose the same school as a stupid surfer boy?

Close. Ill be right down the road at Berkeley.

Neighbors.

Not a bad school.

Hmm, its no Stanford.

Okay. Im an idiot. We already established that.

[chuckles]

What about the truce?

Yeah.

[percussion music]

I would like to apologize for yesterday.

I should have been more patient.

You hear anything?

Im willing to give it another shot if you guys are.

But you have realize youve gotta change.

If you wanna go back to your high school, you have to wanna learn.

Wow.

Look, Brad.

There's not enough space for both of us in Costa Rica.

Heck. Theres barely enough room for us in Central America.

Maybe adequate space in Europe.

I heard Antarcticas nice.

Dinger, you suck.

Okay, butt-muncher. You best be on the next wave outta here

cause theres a new sheriff in town

and his name's Dinger Doolittle.

Brad?

Buddy?

You couldnt possibly lend me a few colones

just until payday?

A six-pack of Imperial?

You disgust me.

What happened to the real Dinger?

Where did he go?

I cant do this.

I cant do this. What happened?

Where is the real Dinger? [flash sound]

[Inga] Oh. Looky whos here,

our favorite young men. Oh, ya.

We want to play today. You want to play with us?

Ya.

Ya? Vell, you should come by our room after breakfast, ya?

[both boys] Ya.

Ill with you later, Rikard.

All right. [giggles]

Ya.

[mischievous music]

Come on, dude. Enough with the nature watch.

Okay. We, we, we, weve gotta play it cool.

Like, uh, like Rico Suave.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Rico Suave.

Who is Rico Suave?

Hes this Latin dude who gets, like, tons of babes.

All right. Let's go.

Hello?

W-- w-- Were here.

[Inga] Oh. Well be with you in one minute.

We are in panty heaven.

[giggles] Hey, look at this.

[gasp] Oh, so sorry.

We leave our laundry out. That is so rude.

[Rikki] Oh, how rude of us. We apologize.

It's-- It's okay.

Oh, yeah. We wont tell anybody.

Good. You ready?

We are up here.

Huh?

Theyre just breasts.

[Inga] You have nipples, we have nipples.

Oh, we like those better.

Okay, we go play now, ya?

Ya.

Ya. Ya.

Oh, ya.

Yeah.

[Inga] So you boys know how much we like, uh, games, ya?

Ya. Ya.

And we know how much you American boys

like to see an older womans body.

[both] Ya. [giggling]

Va, ve play strip games, ya?

[gasps] Ya!

Oh, ya. [giggles]

[Inga] A movie? Two vord.

Second vord. Uh, three syllables. First syllable.

Prayer. Gods,

uh, oh, its second and third syllable.

Baby. Mother. Sounds like a mother.

Its a father. Ya. Oh, oh, oh. Godfather, The Godfather!

21 seconds, boys.

Your turn, boys.

[soft music]

All right. How do I look?

Wow, you look beautiful.

Thank you.

Its not too late. I could cancel.

I can call him that you have, like, jungle fever. Fatigue. Plague.

Honey, it's just dinner.

[Brad] Hello, beautiful.

Whoo. Wow.

You look like the mother of my children.

Too early in the date to propose?

Just a little.

What's up, Kyle?

Well, guess we should be going, yeah?

[Kyle] Wait, why the rush? I mean,

I have Brad Taylor here, surf legend.

You know, when you beat Slater in '97

with that 360 degree turn, man, that was epic.

Yeah. Yeah, it was, man.

I remember sitting out there with him waiting for a set.

You know, and I just felt it.

I turned to Kelly and I said,

Second place isnt so bad. Enjoy it, fool. [laughs]

Yeah. You're really cool.

Thanks.

Well, you ready?

Yeah.

[Dinger] Not so fast, Brad.

What are you doing here, Doolittle?

Isnt it about time to fall down drunk again?

Im here to call out the alleged surf champion.

[Dinger] That must eat you up inside.

No matter how many championships youve got,

you never won one against the Dinger.

Dinger, dont.

[Brad] Because you quit, ran away, right into the bottle.

And youre still in it.

What do you want, wino?

I want you. One on one.

Surf-off. Three waves, one champion.

I hate to tell you this, but were a little bit too old to play for fun.

What are you gonna bet? Your moldy mattress?

[fake laugh] No.

If I win,

Carla keeps the motel.

Is he delusional? I mean, actually, thats a silly question.

And you, you eat the rest of that mortgage.

Look, this is ridiculous. Stop.

I know I dont deserve to love you right now,

and Im a little down on my luck.

A little? Whoof.

But the Dingers back. I am back.

[burps]

[Brad] Okay. All right. You're on, wino.

You win, I wont foreclose on Carla for a year.

I said--

Thats the best youre gonna get.

But when I win, you leave Costa Rica forever.

Well call it my, um, beach beautification project.

Leave Costa Rica?

Yeah. You know, go bye-bye?

This is ridiculous. Stop.

Youre on, butt-muncher.

Fine. Two weeks from Saturday.

You got one chance to beat me and thats gonna take an act of God.

Let's go, Carla.

Please don't go.

I know youre not quite ready to just be with me,

but dont be with him.

[Brad] Man, you gotta work on your pecs. You got man tits.

[Brad] You need some Grecian for that grey, dude.

[Dinger] Ugh.

Ugh! [splash]

[Kyle] Oh, Dinger,

oh, thats foul.

Ah-- Ah--

[Brad] Youre not just one big hair.

[Carla] You know, I should have studied like you.

According to my ex-boyfriend, no one studies like me.

I guess thats why hes my ex-boyfriend.

Well, theres plenty more where that came from.

Youre on vacation now.

I know. My cousins keep reminding me.

I just wish I could relax.

Well, we could hold you down and take your book.

Im a black belt. It could get ugly. I fight like I study.

Kyle could give you a surf lesson.

Oh, you mean, the relatively attractive nephew

who you forgot to mention is going to Stanford?

I figured you would find out on your own.

He seems cool, but sorry. Theres no love connection.

Were practically gonna be neighbors, you know.

Word spreads. I dont need that kind of trouble.

All right. Suit yourself. Study hard.

[cheerful music]

[Dinger] I feel cold, brah.

What? Its like 90 degrees.

[shivers] Cold.

So cold.

Is that a white light?

A velvety white light?

[celestial music]

Im on the road to Shambala.

Theres Jehovah. Hey, big Daddy.

Sweet robe.

Dingers coming home to Papa.

Got any Capn Crunch around here?

Dinger, you're going to do this

you gotta go sober.

Youre not gonna let Carla down, right?

Right.

Your heros gonna need a little help on this one, brah.

I know. I'll help you.

I did good today, huh?

Yeah.

Except for blowing the chunks all over her.

[harps music]

Oh, God, you heard what I said about Carla.

I love you. I want you.

Its okay, honey. Shes real. I understand.

[Dinger] Youre real. So real.

Youre my one and only love.

[Carla] So what are you doing?

[Kyle] Just walking with my beautiful aunt on the beach.

[Carla chuckles] I mean, what are you doing?

Dinger shows up to challenge Brad, professes his love for me?

Youre a believer, right? Its just the universe at work.

With a little help from you. Look.

[Carla] I made this mess,

I dont think you and Dinger should get involved.

No, I think we should, I mean,

what do you want Dinger to do? Just lie down on the beach drunk?

Kyle, he said he loved me.

So, hes got good taste.

Isnt your generation the one that believed love is all you need?

No, thats the generation before mine. Mine needs money.

This plan is silly.

Got anything better?

[harp music, Dinger chuckles] Oh, yeah.

Always good to use protection, Pammy.

Oh, yeah, rub it right there. Oh. Oh, yeah.

I think you missed a spot.

Oh, yeah, thats it, right there, baby.

Itd be much nicer to have a real girl do this for you.

Like Carla.

No, this is great.

Real is better.

Not when its real versus Pamela Anderson.

Honey, Im not really here, you know that?

Say what?

You create the fantasy. The reality is,

Im at Little League game with my boys right now.

Stop it.

I think you can stop it.

But you look so good wet.

You have the prettiest skin.

Goofy.

[hard rock music ]

Dinger.

Running in place, in slow motion,

wont help.

I feel the burn, brah.

[grunts and groans]

Come on.

Okay.

That's... one.

You are killing me, Osama. Whats next, waterboarding?

Ah!

Dinger, you got this.

You used to have the best balance in the world.

I dont know what youve been smoking lately, brah

But Im with Ringling Brothers here.

Whats next, a flying trapeze?

I mean, you might as well shoot me out of a cannon.

Im back. Whoo-hoo!

Try and get these clothes off.

[both] Ya!

Name the seven continents.

[Doobie] Pancho Villa.

[Tasty] Catalina.

[both boys] Oh.

Explain Einsteins Theory of Relativity.

Define existentialism.

Freuds interpretation of dreams.

Keynesian Theories of Macroeconomic Management.

How much vood could a voodchuck chuck if a voodchuck could vood?

Show time!

It better be a big show.

Its so little.

[Rikki] If itd be any smaller, it would be invisible.

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.

[Rikki] He's hung like a hamster.

Stupid is no fun.

We dont take our clothes off for stupid American boys.

Yeah. Vhy dont you just take your honey buns out of my sight?

Take a long walk on a short pier.

[Inga] Yeah. And vhile youre at it, take your cocktail vieners outta here.

Dude, I totally knew that woodchuck question, man.

[Doobie] Come on, work.

[Tasty] All right.

North America.

South America.

Antarctica.

Africa.

Australia.

What about Australia?

Uh, nothing.

Whats wrong, guys?

We really are idiots.

[Doobie] Idiots, with, like, a capital--

[moans]

[chuckles] Whats wrong? Your date with the Swedes didnt go very well?

We need to learn.

Not just so we can stay in our school,

but just so we're not pathetic kooks.

[Doobie] And, you dont even have to, like, seduce us

or anything like that, you know?

I mean, look, çif you wanted to, you could.

But. Im sorry. I didnt mean it. Oops.

Hey.

[Eva] How's it going?

Okay.

Think you might have time for a surf lesson?

Thought you had to focus.

Its just a surf lesson.

I think Im smart enough to learn how to do your little surf thing.

This has nothing to do with book smarts.

Please.

How hard can it be? Your brain-dead friends can do it.

Okay. I think I will give you that lesson in humility.

Okay. Wait a second.

I talked to your aunt.

She told me what youre trying to do with Dinger.

I think its really cool.

Im not trying to add to that frustration or anything, I promise.

I come in peace.

[Kyle] When you see that friendly little wave coming that you want

you align yourself up on the wave.

When youre paddling, youre basically gonna be doing a crawl stroke.

And coming over the top.

Got it.

All right.

Looks good.

And once you feel the glide,

you kinda do a push up like this.

Knees slightly bent,

arms out to the side for balance

and thats your first surf lesson.

Your turn.

Okay.

Feet off the edge of the board.

Nose out of the water.

Kick.

Paddle.

Think I got it.

Thats good. Just like a pro.

[cheerful romantic music]

Well, that went well.

You actually did pretty good.

Paddlings looking good. Balance is nice.

Its all good.

Im just not ready.

It's okay.

So, do you guys understand what Dickens Tale of Two Cities is about?

Yeah. Kind of about us.

[laughs] Its about you and Richard?

[Tasty] Well, the guy in the book, Sidney, he loves Lucy,

but Lucy loves Charlie.

And that is, like, pretty much, like, the story of our lives.

See, the babes that we love, usually love someone else.

Okay, good. I mean, not good, but--

Dickens was exploring the concept of unrequited love,

when you love someone and they dont love you.

You guys really got it.

[Kyle] Come on, Dinger! Youre almost here!

Cant I just enroll in Jenny Craig?

Or take a Jazzercise class?

Come on.

Come on, baby, into my arms.

[Dinger] Im coming, sweetheart [groans]

[Dinger] You cant tell me this isnt for real.

[Kyle] Dude, this is gay.

Dinger!

Have a good surf, bro. Get em.

[hard rock music]

Wow.

[harp music]

[slurps]

Wow. Back to tease me?

No, just watching him surf.

I remember watching you in Hawaii. You were amazing.

That was a long time ago.

Not so long. I see the way he looks at you.

He remembers. They all do.

You know, Pammy, for a fantasy girl,

you can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.

How about a little less pressure and a lot more suntan oil?

Okay, okay. But maybe this whole thing, you know, the changes, the challenges

maybe this is your fantasy. Not me.

[chuckles] Uh, that would be a no, Dr. Anderson.

Youre my fantasy.

Well, we are making some progress.

We just had an entire conversation without you trying to grope me.

Yeah, I guess.

[bionic jump sound]

[cheerful music]

[Dinger] Oh, Pam. Finally, Pam. [groans] Oh, oh, oh.

Hey, Dinger. Spring.

[Dinger] Ugh! [groans in pain]

Dinger!

You tease!

[male in Spanish] Puto!

[tingling music]

Oh, Ernesto.

[in Spanish] Lo siento mucho.

I'm sorry, brah.

Im hallucinatin from this sober thing.

You look exactly like Pammy though.

[plays guitar softly]

Do you mind if I sit down?

Take a seat.

Things going any better with Dinger?

No.

So,

whats in your brain that has to change?

Dont you have some studying to do?

Im a surfer now. Remember?

Sometimes its easier to tell a stranger, or a near stranger.

Im just thinking about maybe putting off Stanford.

I always dreamed of surfing pro.

I dont wanna look back on life and have any regrets.

[sighs] But I dont wanna turn out like Dinger either.

You're not him.

You dont think its crazy?

I should, I guess.

But I don't.

Watching you surf,

its beautiful.

I mean, its a gift.

I thought Id be the last person to see it that way.

But, look.

Ive been studying fanatically since I can remember.

And I guess maybe its not so bad to take a break.

Maybe it doesnt forever damn you

into a future in fast food.

So, not to change the subject, but I kinda have an idea.

[Carla] Are you crazy?

Setting your cool aunt up on a date with Dinger Doolittle?

Maybe youll inspire him. I mean, he is risking everything for you.

[Eva] Its more of a Don Quixote approach.

Youre Dulcinea and hes your knight errant.

He deserves an audience.

Don Quixote was insane, as is Dinger.

[Kyle] Insane is a little extreme.

Id say hes more eccentric.

Right!

Since when did the two of you

become a tag team?

Arent you supposed to be studying or something?

I believe a wise and beautiful hotel owner

once told me to take a study break.

[Kyle] Come on, it's just dinner.

Hes willing to give up his home for yo

I really think that we should cancel this whole thing.

I mean, he cant, he cant possibly win, can he?

Hes a four-time world champion.

Hes got a chance.

All he needs is a little time.

Your time.

The two of you are too smart for your own good, and for mine.

Okay. My typical first date.

Maybe we shouldnt use me as a model.

Lets take a slightly different approach.

Just be yourself, you know,

the non-perverted part of yourself that wont try to jump her bones.

God, I want you so bad.

Kid, figuratively speaking.

[Eva] Look, Dinger.

If you want any chance with a woman like Carla,

youre gonna need some updating.

And youre gonna be doing this updating?

Me and my two Swedish cousins.

Swedish cousins. Wow.

Are you guys gonna be wearing something like G-strings

for my updating comfort?

Maybe, uh, after this updating youll hit on someone other than me.

So, this Plato isnt the stuff made out of clay.

Its a Greek guy, a philosopher.

Good job, Hamilton.

[Doobie] And, he believed

in inherent intelligence.

[Tasty] And that we were born knowing all the stuff that we need to know.

We just have to call on it.

Were, like, smart as Asian kids. [giggles]

You guys, Im really proud of you. Youre working really hard.

So, I hear you have a big date tonight. Oh.

Oh, no, no. Its not a date.

Well, dont let him get to second base

without finishing the shrimp cocktail.

[Doobie giggles] Shrimp cocktail.

[harp music]

Look, I'm just not in the mood.

Well, thats a surprise.

Dont take offense or anything. Youre still my Pammy, right?

If you say so, honey.

Ill just leave you alone,

maybe just head down the beach and go skinny-dipping.

You're testing me.

[chuckles] Youre testing me.

[Kyle] Dinger, we got to train.

I am training, bro.

For what, the next life?

In a matter of speaking, yes.

Maybe Im praying for you to loosen up.

Ive seen you surf.

You could be great.

You just gotta let it flow.

[celestial hum and echoing voices, off]

[Brad, echoing] But when I win, you leave Costa Rica forever.

[Dinger, whispering off] I know.

[Kyle, echoing, off] Are you gonna help Carla or not?

[Dinger, whispering, off] I know what matters.

[Pammy, echoing, off] Its okay, honey. Shes real. I understand.

[Carla, echoing, off] When you love someone and they dont love you.

[Dinger, whispering off] Mind over matter.

[Kyle, echoing, off] Maybe the time is now.

[Brad, echoing, off] You know, go bye-bye.

You just gotta let it flow.

[Dinger] Oh! Whats that? Ow! Oh.

Hows it going?

Um, well, [Dinger groans in background]

lets just say no felony charges yet.

A few misdemeanors maybe.

Im sure hell be fine.

[Dinger] No, dont. Give Kyle my stuff.

Oh.

[Dinger] Oh!

He wanted me to give you this stuff. I found it in his hair.

Id give you the plate, but were going through his underarm hair now

and Ill probably need it.

All right.

Yeah. He likes Britney Spears.

[Dinger] Dont lose my Britney, Baby One More Time.

You owe me another surf lesson after this.

You got it.

[Dinger] Mom, help!

Uh, I should probably get back to that.

Good luck.

[Dinger] I wanna go back to the beach!

[soft music]

[Kyle] Oh, my God. You look amazing.

Thank you.

All right. If this goes bad, Im gonna kill you, you know that, right? [chuckles]

Come on. Just give it a chance. You might like him.

I think you will.

You know when I first moved here about 12 years ago I, I

met Dinger Doolittle and he was the resident surf god.

He was something.

I mean, not my type, of course.

Of course.

He was a stupid surfer.

Yes.

Oh, my God.

Dinger, is that you?

I think so. Cant be a 100 percent,

but, it sure bears a resemblance.

[Carla] Uh, you, you look--

Human again?

Uh, [chuckles] you look great.

Well, you look amazing without my vomit all over you.

Oh.

Heres a peace offering for blowing the chunks.

That, these grow up by my house.

Mattress.

Thank you. Thats very sweet.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You kids be back early.

Well be waiting.

We vant to apologize.

Yeah, we were rude. You are not so stupid.

Ya. Come. Ve vill play.

Ya.

Ve go skinny dip, ya?

Oh, ya.

We're trying not to be so stupid.

Yeah.

Well pass.

[Doobie] Bro, put it in the books. Im gonna split the atom one day.

Hey, we have to review Stalins reign of terror, too.

Oh, yeah.

[Inga] Vat if we said

that ve do go skinny-dipping.

So you can see our hooters, ya?

Ya. Maybe touch. Ya?

Ha. Well take a rain check.

Okay. Ve show you now.

[Doobie] Dude, I found a dangling participle right here.

Oh!

Was that a dream?

[soft music]

You did an amazing job. I cant believe its him.

Thanks.

You dont have to be doing this, you know.

You could be studying.

I think I needed a study break.

Whats going on with you and this bet, Dinger?

I mean, I appreciate the sentiment, but its wrong.

It feels right to me.

Its not your problem, its mine.

What if helping you with your problem helps me with mine?

Look, I dont wanna be like Ive been.

I cant.

And if this is the reason to change, you,

its as good as any.

Better.

[Dinger] Thanks for doing this with me, Carla.

Thank you. I had a really nice time.

Really?

Really.

[sighs and chuckles]

Oh, wow.

Someones smiling.

[chuckles] Im not doing this with you guys.

Come on.

Okay.

Lets kick butt-munchers butt.

Come in. Ve want to play.

Please, we're studying.

Well, study anatomy. Ours.

Dude, I can't concentrate here.

Yeah, lets leave these aquatic recreational facilities.

[Kyle] Come on, Dinger.

Please, let him get up.

Two words.

Okay. First word.

Thats it, Richard. Okay. Um,

two syllables.

Excellent! Yes.

All right.

Miss Dante.

Yeah?

Oh, come on, girls. Get outta here!

[Dinger] Hey, whats up, brah?

My God.

[coughing]

Carla.

Hey.

You wanna talk to me?

Yeah, um,

Look, everybody in town knows that I have rooms available

and I think its only right that you have one.

Stay here?

In an actual room?

Yes.

And sleep in the bed?

With sheets?

Yes.

And use the bathroom?

Yes, you can even use the shower if you want.

And the soap?

Yes.

Well, Carla, you know, this is kind of a surprise to me.

You wanting me to move on so fast and all.

I mean, I had a great time on our date.

And the kiss was certainly erotic.

But you know a guy usually has to play a little hard to get.

Youre asking me to be your live-in boy toy.

No. I am offering you a room.

Not my room.

Yes or no.

Yes.

Okay.

[soft romantic music]

Oh!

A bed. With sheets.

Yeah.

[chuckles] Light!

Yeah! Light!

Okay. You can let go of me now.

God. She really loves me, doesnt she?

Love is a little strong.

I would say its more,

more of a like.

Love, like, they all start with the letter L, right?

Yeah, that they do.

All righty then.

Wow, theres water in this toilet.

Oh, man. Soap.

Soap. [chuckles]

Was I really your hero once?

Yeah.

Look, Big Brah.

I never asked you for anything.

And its not like Im asking for that much now.

Maybe just a little karma.

Youre not coming home tonight?

Well, she offered and I felt kinda obligated.

I mean, it cant hurt the filly.

Its just one night. Ill be back, Pammy.

Good night, Dinger.

Good night.

[grunts]

Hes close.

Eva, the competition is tomorrow.

Close means Dinger leaves here forever.

Close means Carla loses the hotel.

[harp music]

Are you all right?

Yeah. Maybe a little scared.

Well, a little scared is normal.

You know, I wanted to apologize to you, Pam.

For what?

For treating you like a fantasy all these years.

You know, an object.

The hottest object in the history of mankind.

I mean, those 11 Playboy covers confirm that.

[record scratch] It's 13.

Anyway, the truth is

while most of us are scared to death of love,

you at least give it a chance.

You take your boys to Little League games.

You rescue animals.

Youve been the best friend a lost soul could ever have.

Thank you, Dinger.

I have to go.

I know.

I could call it off.

[Dinger] No. We're ready.

The legend returns, right brah?

Look, Dinger, you dont have to do this.

A heros more than a sandwich, kid.

Look at you guys.

You all look like Lindsay Lohan without a beer.

Come on. Have some faith.

Tomorrow the Dinger rides again.

[Dinger] Just like that Plato dude said.

Its all inside me, right?

Yeah.

[Tasty] And Carla.

[Carla] Yeah?

[Tasty] I wrote a song. Do you mind if I play it?

Sure.

[plays instrument] Oh.

♪ It's me and my friends In Costa Rica today

♪ Come to catch a few waves And maybe get laid

[Doobie chuckles]

♪ My Aunt Carla She taught us new ways

♪ Two Swedish chicks Teasing us

♪ Titties in our face [all chuckle]

♪ Kyle digs Eva, Green-eyed blond With the brains

♪ It's me and my friends In Costa Rica today

♪ My boy, Doobie

♪ Sure loves the reefer

♪ But now He quotes Shakespeare,

♪ Dickens and Queen Latifah

♪ Dinger winning

♪ We thought was history

♪ Believing in him Will lead him to victory

Whoooo

♪ I love my family In Costa Rica

♪ This is my family In Costa Rica

♪ This is my family--

[applauds] Wow.

What a tender moment for a bunch of losers

on the verge of complete annihilation.

So, Carla, I heard about your little date.

You really that hard up you have to do a makeover on the wino?

I'd leave now, butt-muncher.

Youre the only one leaving, Doolittle.

And Im sure with a little bit of luck,

youll soon have your very own shopping cart in downtown Detroit.

After I destroy your drunk boyfriend,

my lawyer will begin foreclosing on your little hotel.

You had your chance, baby.

You blew it.

Wow. Congratulations, Brad.

That was perhaps the best dick speech in the history of all dicks.

Which is appropriate cause your flys open.

[fake laugh]

[all chuckle] That's right. Made you look.

[giggles]

You guys get a good nights sleep.

Cause tomorrow, you and your girlfriend lose everything.

Oh, thats right. You do have that one chance.

Yeah. I remember.

Thats right.

[plays instrument] ♪ This is my family In Costa Rica

[Dinger] You know, Brad.

[Dinger] You should be real careful with karma.

It can bite you in the ass.

Pearls of wisdom from the wino.

[Brad] Well, well. You and your sorry-ass entourage have actually shown up

[Brad] Lets keep this simple so even you can understand

Three waves, best two out of three wins.

Translation? After two quick rides, you leave Costa Rica forever.

Now, can you tell my beautiful friends what happens if I win?

Yeah, yeah, of course. If there happens to be an act of God,

Ms. Dante here will not have to pay her mortgage for one year.

You sober enough to begin?

Lets do this.

Thanks for everything, brah. You okay?

Yeah.

You can do this.

The legend returns.

Come on, fatso.

After you, Brad.

[group] Come on, Dinger! Okay, Dinger, come on. You can do it!

Ah-ha-ha. You better pray, Doolittle.

[Kyle] Whats he doing out there?

[Tasty] Just wait. Its cool, man.

[Carla] What's he doing?

[Brad laughs maliciously]

Great. He's praying again.

[Tasty] [thunder] Whoa. Wha-- Whats going on?

[Kyle] This doesn't look good.

[thunder and howling wind]

[Tasty] Think Gods crying.

[Brad] Whoa! Whoa!

Oh!

[Tasty] Di-- did you see that lightning bolt?

[gasp] Oh.

[Tasty] He just got struck by lightning.

[Dinger] I'll save you, Brad!

Help.

[Dinger] Grab my board.

[Brad groans] Oh, my God.

Dont worry, everyone. Hes not dead.

Miss Dante? We dont have to know anything

about supernatural phenomenas for the exam, do we?

[Brad groans]

Anyone wanna help him?

I think he shit his pants.

[record scratch and new cheerful music]

[group] Whoo-hoo!

[Carla] You did it!

[Dinger] We did it, brah!

[Tasty] You did it!

[laughing and cheering]

[Tasty] No way. The Dingers back.

Is that what you were praying for?

Yes, and you were in there, too, brah.

I'm gonna need a surf coach if I go pro.

You got it.

I know I didnt beat him the way I used to back in the day,

but I still won for the woman I love.

Thats what they call unrequited love. Dickens wrote about that.

Yeah, that's when you love somebody

but they don't love you back.

That might not apply here, boys.

Sorry about that. I just wanted to say goodbye.

God, Im so proud of you.

Well, you always wanted that kiss.

Is that all you got, Dinger?

Not even close!

Book. Uh, Seven words.

First word.

Okay. One syllable.

Prayer. Prayer. Uh, uh, chicken.

Uh, hen, hen. Okay. Sounds like,

uh, Zen. Zen. All right. Uh, second word, second word.

Enough! We give up.

[Inga] Enough!

We, we respected your minds.

Yes. So now, ve give to you our bodies. Ya? [laughs]

[Doobie] Uh, if I remember correctly, I think you guys called us

uh, stupid Americans?

Youre on the lame train. Weve seen this show before.

You boys like to go motor boating?

[Rikki] Ya.

[all yell and moan]

[Inga] Oh, yeah, we love you boys.

Come on.