Original subtitles

(woman) I love London.

I love its rudeness, its lack of community, its impatience.

I even love its weather.

But most of all I love the anonymity.

The first thing you should know about me is that I'm a whore.

In a world of children in bikinis and grandmothers in fuck-me boots,

the surest way to tell a prostitute

is to look for the woman in the designer suit.

Locate the lifts. Glide past reception.

Look like you know where you're going.

Walk quickly. Don't attract too much attention.

Be fabulous but forgettable.

You should also know that this isn't the real me.

(alarm beeps)

Morning.

Escort, hooker, prostitute, whore -

I don't mind what you call me. That's just semantics.

There are as many different kinds of working girls as there are kinds of people,

so you can't generalize.

But I can tell you about me.

I should say up front that I wasn't abused by a relative,

I've got no children to support,

and I've never been addicted to anything.

Except for maybe the fourth season of The West Wing,

but... you know.

I'm very high class.

Which means I charge by the hour, and I charge a lot.

So why do I do it?

Well, I love sex and I love money.

And I know you don't believe I enjoy the sex, but I do.

Plus I'm fundamentally lazy.

What I really like is being my own boss.

Well, pretty much my own boss.

Obviously I have an agent. She vets all my clients.

Two lovely new gentlemen for you today.

OK. An out call for this evening and an in call this afternoon.

When? Two o'clock.

It's half one now.

Is it?

Yes. You know I need at least an hour's notice.

Well, shit, shower and shave, sweetheart. He's on his way over now.

I have certain rules. Rule one - keep life and job separate.

Personal. Work.

Private.

Professional.

Hannah. Belle. And never the twain shall meet.

Rule number two - stay in control.

They sit down, I stand up. Get the money first.

Yeah, I'll call after.

No problem. All right, bye.

Rule three - safety. Always check in with the agency.

So if I say "no problemo" instead of "no problem,"

there's a problem.

Everything you need's in here.

Rule four - hygiene. Mine and his.

I always use men's deodorant.

I never wear perfume.

A professional never lets her client leave smelling of woman.

Convince them that you're wet and you're halfway there.

Goes without saying.

And last but definitely not least,

work out what the client wants as fast as you can,

and give it to him.

Come with me.

Tell me something you fantasize about.

What do you mean?

Something that turns you on. (he moans)

This.

Where are we doing this? Where would you like to fuck me?

Oh!

Outside?

Oh, in an alleyway?

In a dirty alley?

Um... OK.

(muffled) On a beach?

Um...

In a field?

On a farm?

Ah.

A field on the farm. I'm a country girl.

You're a farmer or a stable boy that seduced me.

Ohh! Oh!

Can you see the stables? Yeah, course I can.

Can you smell the horses?

I can smell the horses. They're making noises in their stalls.

They're getting very excited. Ohh!

Horses have giant cocks, don't they?

Oh, yes. Yes, they do.

Maybe you should take me to the stable.

Don't fuck the horse!

No, I'm only bringing it close. It's too big.

Ohh! What's it doing? The horse?

A stallion. It's out of control.

It's far too big.

Sounds like it's gonna break the stall door.

They're powerful horses!

Very... powerful... horse.

(they giggle)

I tell everyone I'm a legal secretary for one of those huge international law firms.

You know, the ones that need staff at night to meet contract deadlines.

It's so boring, no one ever asks me about it.

I can't even tell my best friend Ben what I do for a living.

Best custard tart in London, that.

See the crust? That's not a machine, that's handmade.

I thought Vanessa had you on a diet.

She does. I'm living on fucking tofu.

But I'm eating leftovers at the club.

You've been much fatter than this. I never put you on a diet.

Yeah, but in every other way you were the worst girlfriend in the world.

What? Don't mess about.

You never! Yeah, I did.

Look at the size of your chops. It's really nice.

Give it. Yes, I do.

She walks in on both... No! I can't believe it!

(they laugh)

Poor you!

Do you fancy a game of Spoilt Little Rich Girl?

We haven't done that in a while.

All right. That one. That one.

(posh accent) Well, I think this is lovely.

(Ben) Shame the pool's so small, though.

We're not making a decision based on pool size, Benjamin.

Bit shit, though.

Let's go on in.

Oh, lush! This is perfect.

Beautiful fireplace.

Oh, yeah. Great.

Barrister, QC. No way. Stockbroker.

It's actually owned by a retired barrister who wants to move out of London.

He still loves the property.

Sash windows.

Yeah, I love a sash. Love it.

Why don't you try out the acoustics?

She trained in Vienna. Plays the most incredible Chopin.

That's terribly rude, Benjamin.

Plays like an angel.

(she plays "Chopsticks" badly)

(laughing) Thanks very much. Goodbye.

(they laugh)

Chopin? You cunt.

(Ben) How does anyone ever afford to buy a house in London?

One day. It's just about making the money.

It's a nice hotel. Not big enough for an Arab,

not expensive enough for an American,

not trendy enough for a young professional.

He'll be over 50, long-term married.

First time with an escort,

so I'm guessing he'll be newly retired,

which has led to a drop in self-esteem and a need to feel powerful and special.

This is why I'm good at my job.

Belle?

Daniel?

Hi.

Right, I'll get a drink, shall I?

Why don't you just try lying back?

Sorry. Right.

Oh, God.

Oh, look at that. The hour's all gone.

Don't worry.

No, look, I have to say, I can't afford--

Don't worry, we'll get there. You just need to relax.

Um...

Why don't you watch me have a play?

(buzzing)

That's extraordinarily nice of you, it's just...

I have to, um...

(clears throat)

I'm going to have to go, actually.

What, you're not staying here?

No, I can't. I'm not a huge fan of hotels, really.

But you stay if you want. I've already paid online.

On my own?

Well, if you like.

I'm just offering so as not to waste, um, anything.

Thank you, though. Thanks for your time.

And I'm sorry...

Belle.

(buzzing)

(clears throat)

Enchanté.

No, no, I'm sorry. Is-is... is there anything in particular I haven't...?

Oh, no, no, no-no-no. It's just...

Uh, good night.

(door closes)

Well, that's a first.

Thank you.

Just put it there. Thank you.

No one else?

Oh, well, probably for the best.

Can't have anyone getting too hefty.

And, last but not least, Rachel.

I make it two three. No, it's two.

Rachel, look at me with my books, my records.

And now look at you, with your roots.

It's two three, sweetheart.

I owe you the 300.

Yes, you do.

Now, ugly mugs.

This gentleman has been all over town with fraudulent money.

Shiny notes. He tried it on with one of Bruce's girls.

She said he spoke with an accent. Be Eastern European.

You can't say that. No, it's racist.

You can't be fucking racist against Eastern Europeans. You can be prejudiced.

I'm fucking prejudiced, then. Right, then we're all agreed.

They are my people! That's funny how you're listed as Swedish on the site, then.

Enough. Right, that's your lot.

Where's Fiona?

Apparently her bloke saw the photo of her on the internet.

Recognized the underwear he'd bought her for Christmas.

No! Maybe I should get my pictures more pixilated.

No one is getting more pixilated.

Christ, they can barely make out your gender as it is.

I just couldn't bear it if my parents found out.

Ladies, I've got another lot here in a minute.

And keep things free. Holiday season coming up and all that.

Oh, um, my young one from the other night - Daniel. Did you hear anything?

Yes. He rang to book again, actually.

But I gave him someone else. He was more specific this time.

What did he want, then? He asked for girl-next-door.

He said jeans, no makeup. Takes all sorts, I suppose.

Who've you given him to? Rachel.

Rachel? £300-short Rachel?

Are you playing me?

Now stop asking favors.

And if you're not going to eat anything, fuck off.

Hello. Yes, Gabriella is free. Six o'clock is fine. Thank you.

You know, I would order something, but I'd be worried you'd take 40% of my food.

(running water)

Sorry, I know you were expecting someone else.

Oh, no, no.

Rachel's not well, it's not good.

Right. Well, hooray.

Well, not hooray for--

So you've got me without the miracle of hair and makeup.

No, no, I like it.

Uh, we can put you in a nice hot shower if you just get--

Oh, yeah, of course.

Um, um-um-um-um-um-um.

Why do you wear shoes in your own flat?

Sorry?

Well, it's just it looks like you're on your way out.

Oh, are you a fan of feet, then?

Not like that.

Mm.

(she moans)

(she gasps)

(they both gasp and moan)

(phone rings)

(panting) That'll be the...

Hello? No problem. No problem.

Yeah, I know. I-I'll call you after. OK, bye. (laughs)

(Daniel) My girlfriend and I were together for four years,

and it's difficult.

I mean, I meet other girls.

I like some of them.

But after half an hour or so

I just realize how little I appreciated...

When did you find out?

At a party. She was with her chap.

She's nine months. She's like... She's right out.

She looked exactly like I always imagined she would.

My sister's nine months pregnant. She looks like a Volvo.

Oh, no, you don't have to do the other one.

No, I do. I have to do both. I have a thing.

I like symmetry, and square numbers and palindromes.

What's a palindrome again?

A word that's spelt the same backwards as forwards,

like "noon," "level..."

Hannah... Hannah.

You're Hannah?

Yeah.

(# "Cannot Even (Break Free)" by the Noisettes)

(ringing tone)

Hi, this is Ben. I can't take your call now.

Leave me a message.

I know, Stephanie, and now I'm asking you to give him someone else.

Well, I'm unpredictable like that.

I don't know. Tell him whatever you want.

You're not gonna believe what I found.

I was quite a spoilt little girl when I was younger,

and one of the many lessons I had...

Now, what I wanna know is who wears this -

you or me?

(she laughs, he whinnies)

Sometimes it's not the youngest or the richest clients you want,

or the ones you have most in common with.

For me, the perfect partner

is one where I never have to be myself.

Sometimes I get paid to do the things I've always wanted to do.

The most prestigious adult party in the country.

Oh, shit! Shit, sorry!

I know that man from somewhere.

I was this close to having the best sex ever.

I like your work, by the way. I like your work too.

(Ben) Now, is it just me

or are you a little bit overdressed for a work do?

Maybe later on when you are really desperate,

I will fuck you.