Original subtitles

Sex, like life, is often about the numbers.

With two people, the agenda's clear - one gives, one receives.

But add a third... and a fourth...

that's when things become complicated.

Cheers, mate.

Absolutely not. No way.

You know, I can't even believe you'd suggest it. Fuck off. No.

Why not? You're short of a partner.

Yeah, but I wasn't asking you.

I was just thinking aloud, telling you my problems.

Well, now it's not a problem.

Ben, this is a job - a job you clearly have issues with -

not amateur gangbang night.

I know! And I know that I can handle it.

Reckon I could do your job, do you?

Organize the bar staff, order the drinks, do whatever it is you do?

I think you're forgetting something.

I already know how to have sex. Yeah.

But not professionally.

Professionally? Pff!

What exactly is it you think I do in my job?

Hannah-- Take the money, spread my legs, moan a bit?

I never said that. You have no idea.

So show me. Come on. Makes perfect sense.

Oh, Ben. I've accepted what you do.

I've told you, it's not a problem for me.

Good.

But I still don't understand it.

I still worry.

You keep telling me how it's all OK, how safe it usually is.

Why don't you let me see for myself?

It's not a good idea. Why not?

Because it's more involved than you think.

Anyway, you're about to get married!

Yeah, well, maybe that's a part of it.

What? Last gasp of freedom?

Oh, come on! Why does it matter why I want to do it?

It matters 'cause it's my job, my reputation.

That's the point - I don't work with just anyone.

Then work... with me.

No.

Argh!

Most girls who do couples work have a regular partner.

The rest of us just point and click, but not without caution.

Chiseled, classy, almost certainly gay.

Not right for this job.

Oh, I love these ones. Amateurs with egos.

They take a few snaps of themselves in the back garden,

pay a fee to the agency, and reckon they're gonna get paid to sleep around!

But I'm looking for a professional.

And how long have you been in the business?

Three, four years.

Enjoy your work?

Love sex, love women.

And what do you think you bring to a client's experience?

12 inches.

(rings)

Oh, hello. My name's Benjamin.

Benjamin?

I'm here about the job.

I was just wondering if you could give me

a few more details about the vacancy.

Well, perhaps you can tell me what you already know.

Uh... only that it's for a foursome

and that you're short of a male partner.

And what exactly do you think the job entails?

Sex, obviously.

Um... watching.

Being watched.

I'm aware it's a very demanding position

and that not everyone can do this kind of work.

(sighs)

This particular couple are first-timers.

And they've booked a couples' date as an anniversary present for each other.

Different.

And in this case, they've asked for a straight swap,

so I'll have sex with the husband

and my male partner will sleep with the wife.

Sounds good.

Can I ask you, are you in a relationship at the moment?

I'm engaged. Mm.

And you don't consider that to be a problem?

In what way?

Well, some people - just some -

might think that a person who's about to get married

shouldn't be getting paid to have sex.

Mm.

I've always been able to separate my sex life and my emotions.

Really?

Yeah.

My, uh, friend says it's one of my best qualities.

She's got a similar thing, you see.

Able to emotionally detach, keep things separate.

She sounds like a very smart person.

Mm. She is.

Smart. Strong.

Of course, I'd never say any of this to her.

Of course.

It's just sometimes she cuts her nose off to spite her face.

Oh?

Yeah.

Doesn't always let people in.

You ow? Even though deep down

she knows it could solve a lot of problems.

That's why I like to help her out.

Even if it causes complications?

I can handle it if you can.

(# "You Can Get It If You Really Want" by Jimmy Cliff)

Three...

two...

one.

Argh!

So you do this every time? All this...?

No second chances to make a first impression.

See, this is where all the money goes.

Underwear, makeup...

Come on! You're loaded.

I've seen all your little rolls of cash.

Go on, how much do you make a year?

You'd have to ask my accountant, love.

Come on. Tell me.

Turnover last year?

105,000.

Fuck me! Seriously?

Told you you wouldn't like it.

32 grand.

Don't be ridiculous, you can't compare. I'm self-employed.

I have many expenses - uh, laundry, booze, nibbles,

phone bills, mattresses--

Yeah, all right. I get it.

You know what? I worked it out once.

It costs me 20 grand a year to be Belle.

It costs 34 quid to be Ben.

That much?

(# "Let Me Go" by Sonya Kitchell)

20 minutes and counting. There you go.

Vodka? It's all you're getting.

Otherwise the clients will smell it on your breath. Oh...!

It's all right. I brought my own.

One?

That's not going to get you very far.

Penis, fingers, toys. They all need their own condoms.

Basic hygiene. Nice.

Oh, and always use one hand on yourself and the other on your--

For my guest. Exactly.

Like to keep things clean.

What if I don't fancy her? She'll be fine.

But what if she's not? What if she's a real munter?

It doesn't matter. When that doorbell rings, whatever's on the other side, we smile.

It's not the smiling I'm worried about.

Look... I don't fancy half the men I sleep with.

But I look at them and I think, "I could have some fun."

"An adventure." And that's enough.

You'll be OK. How do you know that?

Because I know you and I know how you make people feel.

What are you on about?

I never felt shit when we were together.

Even if I looked crap or felt fat, it didn't matter.

You know how to make people feel good.

And, if you take this, you won't let anyone down.

All male escorts use Viagra. It's standard practice.

Yeah? Yeah.

(exhales)

Belle? Hi. Hello. Come in.

Kate and... Liam.

Liam. Hello. Hiya.

This is Ben.

Hi.

Hi.

So you found us OK?

Yeah, yeah, it was fine.

Yeah, didn't have far. Just, uh, Hendon.

The RAF Museum.

Yeah. Yeah.

Should I take your coats?

Thanks.

Would you like to come through? Thank you.

Oh, feel free. Here.

Oh. Thanks. I wasn't sure.

You know, there's not many places you can these days.

Well, this is one where you most certainly can!

Uh, can I get anybody a drink? Some Champagne, maybe?

Oh. Lovely. (Belle) Seeing as we're celebrating.

Yeah. 15 years.

Can't believe it.

Well, 20, actually.

We were together for five before we got married.

Oh, that's quite an achievement!

Not quite there yet, are we, darling? Eight years, though.

Oh! So you two are a real...? I-I mean...

You are together?

We weren't sure if you'd be a couple.

Actually, we met at university.

(Kate) Oh! Snap!

We went to Nottingham.

(both) Newcastle.

(Liam) Oh! Newcastle!

Alan Shearer...

Sting.

Coal.

(Belle) Uh, I'll just get the drinks.

Do you need a hand?

No, darling, I'm fine. Thank you.

Um... I don't know if you, um, want this.

OK. Lovely.

Thank you. Won't be a sec.

So... 20 years together, huh? (Liam) Mm.

You don't look old enough. Oh! Thanks.

(nervous laugh)

Two people, three sexual agendas.

His, hers, theirs.

Question is, are they compatible?

(both) Thanks.

As we haven't spoken before,

it'd be great to know if there was something specific you want.

You know, how you'd like to spend our time together. Uh...

We just thought we'd, uh...

kind of play it by ear, sort of thing.

That's fine. We can do that. And was there a particular fantasy

or something you'd like to explore?

Actually, I did wonder if... I mean, I'm not a lesbian...

(Belle) I'm sure that would be something we could all enjoy.

I know I would.

What do you think, Liam?

Y-yes. That would be great.

It's... it's something we've often talked about, you know.

I tell you what, why don't you two have a lovely shower

whilst Ben and I get everything ready?

OK. Darling, could you get our guests some towels, please?

Sure.

(shower running)

So... am I doing all right?

Charming, funny, incredibly knowledgeable about industrial northern cities.

"Coal." Can you believe I said that?

Just relax. It's fine.

Is there any music you'd like?

(Kate) Oh, anything, really.

(Liam) Apart from Simply Red.

Can't be all bad. (mellow guitar music)

Right. Quick. Underwear. I need to change it.

What do you mean, change? I've only got these.

Mine, not yours. This isn't right for them.

It's a bit hard-core. Oh.

Right!

What do you think?

Retro, Von Teese?

I see your taste hasn't changed.

Not the only thing that hasn't changed.

Ben. Focus.

Come on. Clothes off.

(exhales / clears throat)

(laughing) Oh, my God!

You said it'd take at least half an hour to kick in.

Don't knock it!

I'm not.

Remember, though, she's paying for her orgasm, not yours.

(makes lightsaber noise)

Oh, my God!

Liam, come here.

Why don't you watch me and Kate have a play?

(# "B Boy Baby" by Mutya Buena and Amy Winehouse)

Ben.

Ben.

Ben.

Ben!

(mouths)

(mouths)

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's really good. Yeah. (mouths)

Yeah.

Oh... Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Right there.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah! Yeah!

Are you two having a good time?

Yeah.

Oh! Good.

No, we can't.

Why not?

Come on, Hannah.

It's Belle, all right?

(Kate and Liam orgasm)

You did well.

Didn't do anything.

Did we?

We gave them what they came here for. You should feel pleased.

I just feel...

I don't know what I feel.

It just wasn't...

I don't know. It just wasn't what I was expecting.

You'll be all right. It's always like this.

It's... excitement and then all the anticipation.

It's just... adrenaline.

(footsteps)

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Don't thank us - you two were amazing!

You didn't need us at all. You're obviously still crazy about each other.

I hope we're still like you guys after 20 years.

Not doing so badly, are we?

Thanks, Belle.

Ben.

Nice one. Yeah, you too.

Come on, you.

Bye! (Liam) Bye!

See, it's not just opening my legs and moaning, is it?

No. It's a total mindfuck.

Sure you don't want to take any of your little blue friends?

Present for Vanessa?!

Fuck off!

200.

(clears throat)

Cheers.

I'll give you a call tomorrow, yeah? Yeah.

It's been, uh... an education.

Keeping things separate.

You're very good.

The best.

Good night. Night.

Sex is really a numbers game.

Group sex is complicated, but that's mechanics.

For me, the hardest numbers have always been one plus one.

Can never seem to make them add up.

(sighs)

Why do you want to be a courtesan, Belle?

I'm ready to take the next step up the ladder.

Being at the top of my profession means I'm completely in charge.

I'm with Diamond International now.

It's been lovely, ladies.

(man) This is your apartment.

If you want it. No...?!

What would you know about real life? You're gonna be an uber-whore.

(Belle) But it's still all fucking in the end.

(Ben) You've lied about it all! You've alienated everyone. For this.

For all this shit!