Original subtitles

Oh, it's lovely.

Just lovely.

A lot of girls cry when they see themselves in a wedding dress.

Every little girl's dream.

Or nightmare, you know.

If you're fat.

(phone rings)

(Belle) Hello? Do you do girls?

(laughs)

It says here yes to anal, GFE, school uniform.

No to scat, stags and water sports.

Got nothing against girls. OK. What's the setup?

Threesome. The client wants two girls. Who's the other one?

I haven't booked one yet. What about Rachel?

No, she's in Marbella.

Tanya? She's going to see Les Mis.

Again? How many times is that?

Who knows? It's a sickness.

And what's the client like that one of us isn't enough?

It's Ashok.

Ashok?

Every-second-Wednesday- since-I-started Ashok?

The very same.

Sometimes two heads are better than one.

(cackles)

I'll find someone and call you back.

(women laughing and talking)

(woman) No, beautiful. (woman #2) Stunning.

(woman #3) Ta-da! (whooping and laughing)

It's not that I don't like going down on girls.

It's just that I never really enjoy going out with them.

Ooh! (laughs)

Right. You're supposed to be helping me find a suit.

I know. Can you do this? I'm trapped.

(sighs)

So? What do you think?

When is it again?

8 March.

1979?

You look like you just stepped out of my parents' wedding photos.

Shit. Sorry. (laughs)

Oh! It's bad luck to see the bride in her gown before the big day.

It's all right. She's not the bride, she's just here to help.

I told my best friend that I'm a prostitute and he hasn't said a thing.

We're both acting like everything's fine, but of course it's not.

So the night your sister had a baby...

I can't believe I'm asking you this.

Were you working as a prostitute?

Were you doing it when we were still seeing each other? No. No.

And do you have, like, a... What is it? A madam?

An agent, yeah. She's the filter, she always knows where I am.

Is it even legal?

For me, yeah. For her... not exactly.

Why do you do it?

Would you believe me if I said I enjoyed it?

(grunts)

You know I like sex.

So what is it you're doing tonight?

It's... a threesome. Me and another girl from the agency.

Who's the...? It's Ashok. He's lovely.

(scoffs) "Lovely." Yeah, he's lovely.

He's my oldest client.

He's like my friend.

How'd you even get into it?

(phone rings)

Hello?

It's all arranged. You'll be working with Naomi.

Who's Naomi? She's new.

I poached her from Brompton Escorts last week, so she's flying off the shelves.

If you know what I mean. Anyway, the room is booked from eight.

So you two can get to know each other. And it's that hotel close to--

...Ashok's office. I know where it is.

Well, he'll be there by nine.

Lucky boy. I'm sending him the crème de la crème.

Do you wanna go and look at some more suits?

I should go.

Here, how much...? No, it's all right, I'll pay.

No, it's all right. I've got it. No, it's fine.

See you later.

Yeah, I'll give you a call.

(Ben) How'd you even get into it?

(Belle) A couple of years ago I met a man in a bar.

He was a perfect one-night stand -

funny, charming, great in bed, no expectations.

And he even gave me my cab fare home.

Or so I thought.

And just like that, without realizing, I'd been paid for sex.

Would I have taken the money if it'd been offered up front?

Maybe.

Don't really know.

Either way, I did take it.

And I'm still taking it.

Today, a threesome with another escort.

I'm hardly a girl's girl, but I will go gay for pay.

Hello.

So... Ashok.

What's he like? He's sweet.

Quite handsome.

Athletic, clever.

Kind of geeky.

Gentle, very polite, and he always smells nice.

I was actually wondering whether he prefers anal or vanilla.

So what's he into?

Naughty schoolgirls?

Nurse and matron?

Mother superior and novice nun?

Well, this is his first threesome - I think - so maybe just generic stuff.

Girls soaping each other's breasts.

Holiday Inn porn.

Or maybe... we should make something up.

Like what?

How about good cop, bad cop?

Ah.

I'll put you down for good cop, then.

This is all quite fun.

You know - what normal girls do.

Oh, I forgot to ask - do you, um, shave or wax?

Wax.

Good. I get stubble rash.

(knock at door)

Hey.

Don't look so scared.

Just getting into character.

(door opens) (Naomi) Hello.

(stifled giggle)

(whispers) One, two, three...

(both start moaning ecstatically)

Oh. Ohh. Ohhh.

Ohh... oh...

(whispers) Are we nearly there yet? I'm getting wanker's claw.

You're close.

Ohh.

I need a pee. Can you take over?

Ohh...

Uhh!

(Ashok moans loudly)

Oh, my God!

You're quite the athlete.

You're quite flexible yourself. Thanks.

I wish I could say it was down to yoga.

(Ashok chuckles)

What?

You two, debriefing.

But I suppose put two nurses or two teachers or whatever together in a room

and they're gonna talk about work.

Glad you think of us as a caring profession.

I do, though.

I read that book you gave me.

And?

384 pages of misery,

in the world's smallest typeface.

But beautiful.

Really beautiful. I cried like a girl.

What time is it? I should get home.

Uh... it's quarter to ten.

Is that all? I didn't last long.

Oh, don't worry. A job shared is usually a job halved.

So for you two that means half the work for double the money.

I'm sorry - are you auditing us?

(laughs) No! Good.

Thank you for a wonderful evening.

And thank you.

You're welcome.

The pleasure was half mine.

That was fun.

Would you, um...

like to hang out sometime?

Does it involve shagging? No.

Does it involve eating Haagen-Dazs and watching Pretty Woman?

Christ, no.

Then yes.

What's your number?

No, fuck that.

What's your name?

Hannah.

What's yours?

Naomi.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Hello. What are you up to now?

(both laughing)

Best present a client ever gave you.

Hm.

MINI Convertible.

Worst present a client ever gave you.

The hotel sewing kit.

What? (laughs) Can you believe that?

Just 'cause it's not ringing doesn't mean it's broken.

Boyfriend?

Friend. He's not taking it that brilliantly,

the whole "I'm not really a legal secretary" thing.

Mm. I still find it harder telling girls. They might give you a feminist polemic,

but you know what they're really thinking is you're gonna steal their boyfriend.

Girls think that about me anyway. Me too.

Um, half the time they're right.

(they laugh)

I've never really got the whole female-friendship thing.

But with Naomi we can talk about men and sex and work,

because for us they're all the same thing.

I go in there to get my cervix scraped...

I wish you wouldn't say "scraped."

...and you walk out with a bloody party bag.

It wasn't much of a party bag. There's no fairy cakes, no party hats, just...

balloons.

Did you leave them with anything?

They had a lovely speculum and swab set I had my eye on,

but in the end I just took the condoms.

And some pens.

Come on. Let's go, before you make me take them back.

(taxi pulls up)

(phone rings)

(Stephanie) I've got a new client for you.

28, works for an auction house. Sounds like a Pathé newsreel.

Quite junior now, but good prospects.

Well, so he tells me.

I'm shagging him, Stephanie, not settling down with him.

When is it? Next Wednesday.

Right. Well, it depends.

Wednesday's my regular with Ashok.

Actually, Ashok's with Naomi this week.

What?

Ashok is with Naomi this week.

So can you do the auctioneer or not?

Not.

Fine.

Call me when you've learned to share.

The end of the affair was written from the beginning.

He's a man who pays women for sex. I'm the whore.

At some point his tastes were bound to change.

So why am I so upset?

Because who can I call to say I had a bad day at work?

(phone rings)

Hi.

Hi.

How are you?

I'm good, yeah.

How are you?

Yeah, good.

Good.

Actually, I'm shit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's the matter?

I lent someone a book and I don't think I'm gonna get it back.

I wish I had your problems.

(she sobs)

Will you come round?

You looked good in that wedding dress.

Can't remember if I said that.

I don't think I did.

Did you find a suit?

No.

They were all as shit as 1979.

So I'm gonna wear a kilt.

Since when were you Scottish?

My mum's granddad or something.

I love that about posh English.

Always trying to pass themselves off as Scottish or Welsh.

You've never even been to Scotland.

(posh accent) Hellish place.

I've missed you.

I missed you too.

While you were off playing with Fanny.

I'm sorry about that. The other day.

It's just something huge about you I didn't know.

You're my best mate.

You're the only girl I've shagged who still likes me.

Except for Vanessa.

Yeah. Except for Vanessa.

We go out and...

we have dinner and we get pissed and we go running and we used to sleep together.

Am I ever gonna be able to talk to you about this?

I dunno. Try.

Even if I act like a cock about it, I still want you to try.

I need to ask you something.

It's a favor. You don't have to do it if you don't wanna do it.

You're not gonna ask me to have sex with you and Vanessa, are you?

What? No.

Phew. (laughs)

Others may pay hundreds for you

but I had you when all it took was half a lager and a couple of Marlboro Lights.

Will you be my best man?

I slept with someone last night and now he won't leave.

I don't normally do this kind of thing.

Can't you just tell him his time is up?

No, you idiot. I didn't charge him. That's the problem.

You're not really a legal secretary, are you?

Ooh...!

Hi. Hi.

Look, just go.

Some girls are too sensitive for this kind of work.

You need to get some perspective, Han.

See how normal people live. Normal people?

You know what I mean. That sounds dead exciting.

Can't you just take a break?

Did you hear me? I said go.