Original subtitles

[soft guitar music playing]

[ominous music playing]

[distorted screaming]

This is your idea of a romantic getaway?

Well, uh, Charlie said…

Oh, Charlie this, Charlie that!

Do you ever stop talking about your boyfriend Charlie?

Stop it! He's a great guy.

He's an asshole.

Don't call my friend Charlie an asshole.

Well, he is.

Look at this place.

Well, he may be an asshole, but he's my asshole.

Sounds about right.

Poppy, I can't believe you're being like this.

Let's go in.

[ominous music continues]

[Poppy] This is the worst day of my life.

I'm sorry, Popsicle.

Hey, but if I know Charlie, then…

then, then this?

All this? It's a set-up!

It's one of his big pranks.

Getting us all to sleep in a creepy cabin in the woods, it's classic!

[in a hoarse voice] I bet there's been a murder!

-Stop it, Will. -[chuckles]

That's what this is, it's one of those, um, murder room games.

Come on, we can suss it out before the others get here, huh?

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

I said stop it, Will.

And they're escape rooms, not murder rooms.

Can we just Google the nearest hotel and get out of here?

[sighs]

I was hoping I wouldn't have to tell you this so soon, but…

I mean, you know, we got here early and…

There's no easy way to say this, there is no internet here.

What?

Yeah, I mean, it's a cabin in the middle of the woods.

This isn't the sort of place you hire if you want to binge watch Drag Race.

There's no phone signal, either.

Yeah, unlikely. Charlie said…

Oh, fuck Charlie!

[squelches]

[Poppy] Jesus!

Ow! Are you all right?

I've got a fucking nail sticking out of the back of my hand.

No, I am not all right!

Pull it out!

-[groans] Oh, fuck! Fuck! -[blood squelches]

[Will] I'll, I'll find something to bandage it with.

Hurry up!

[Will] I'll have a look over here.

Hey, whoa! What the…?

This is freaky.

-[resonant music playing] -Ah!

What are you doing?

Keeping it elevated.

Oh, good idea. Have a look at this.

What the hell?

It's probably a joke. For the party.

I can't wait to see what Charlie comes up with tomorrow.

You can't wait for your friends to get here, you mean.

I get it.

-Come on… -[thuds]

-[Poppy] What was that? -[man speaking indistinctly]

[Will] Hello?

[Will] Somebody… Is someone…

-[Poppy] I think we should go. -[Will] I think you're right.

[both scream]

["Are You Evil?" By Evil Blizzard playing]

♪ Well I can smell your thoughts ♪

♪ Let me wreak your despair ♪

♪ Wretched and tepid Dull and insipid ♪

♪ You're just not cool anymore Because I tell you now ♪

♪ We were the evil alive Behind the smile ♪

♪ Listen, listen, listen ♪

♪ We were the evil alive Behind the smile ♪

♪ Listen, listen, listen ♪

♪ We were the evil alive Behind the smile ♪

♪ Listen, listen, listen ♪

♪ We were the evil alive Behind the smile ♪

♪ Are you falling? ♪

♪ Are you falling? ♪

♪ Are you falling? ♪

♪ Are you falling, falling, falling ♪

[laughing]

[woman] What? No way.

Charlie's like the last person who would get it together.

[man 1] Yeah, I spoke to his dad.

[man 2] And welcome back to road trip small talk.

We are here, uh, with Tina.

-Tina, give us a wave. -[laughs]

We know you want to, go on.

Thank you very much, Tina.

Tina, do you have a message for the lucky lady, or a warning perhaps?

[chuckling] I mean, been there done that.

[sarcastic laugh] Very funny. It was a long time ago.

Hey, are you allowed to invite your ex to your bachelor party?

I mean, doesn't that put a damper on things?

Okay, for the record, we dated for two months in camp ten years ago.

It's not like I left him at the altar.

Besides, technically, is it a bachelor party if there's girls there?

-What? -[Tina] Alex!

What, I mean, I'm not saying I don't agree with it,

it's just, you know, if there's girls there, is it a bachelor party?

You know, with the stripping and the lap dancing.

-[chuckles] -It could get awkward!

There will be no strippers and no lap dancers.

-Okay? -Well then, it's not a bachelor party.

[man 2] All right, thank you for your input, Alex.

Insightful as always!

Steve, um, what do you think Charlie boy will have in store for us?

Well, it's probably just going to be a bunch of jocks getting drunk in a cabin

-in the middle of nowhere. -[man 2 laughs]

Hey, guys, check out this guy. Look.

-Is he waving at us? -[Tina] What a freak.

[Steve chuckles] What?

Oh, yeah, still got it.

[faint music on the radio playing]

[man 2] Where are we?

Can't talk, trying to concentrate on not crashing this thing.

Uh, guys?

[imitates English accent] A ye olde English pub!

[Alex] Oh!

The Jolly Hangman.

We must be nearly at the cabin, do we really have to stop now?

[man 2] Oh, come on, Tina.

A quaint English pub? Come on, it'll be fun.

Besides, I really got to go to the bathroom.

-[pulls hand brake] -FYI, it isn't bathroom here.

It's the loo.

-[Alex] Loo! -[Mike chuckles] Loo?

[Tina] Quit it, guys, please? Okay?

Oh.

[Alex] Team extreme.

[Mike] Sure you want to stay in the van?

I've seen enough horror movies. Thank you, we'll be fine here.

Oh, and remember, a lot of folks don't like Americans.

Hey, they haven't met Mr Charming here yet.

-This will work out. -Charming?

[growls] Be careful.

Yeah, whatever. See you later, pricks.

[video game music playing]

[Mona] Hi.

Well, see? Nothing like The Slaughtered Lamb.

[shushes] Not now, Mike.

Hello there, um, [clears throat] where may I find your bathroom?

Can't have a bath here, dear.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, uh, loo. Where's your loo?

Oh, I think he needs to use the loo.

[both laugh]

Yeah, loo. Yes. Am I not saying it right?

[snorts] Twat.

[laughter continues]

Is this going to be a problem? I'm sorry if I've spoken out of turn.

[Frank] Needs to use the loo. [laughs]

That's enough, Frank.

[Mike] Look, uh…

We don't want any trouble.

The sign…

[Mike] The sign?

[Frank] Toilets are for costumers only.

Oh, right. [chuckles] Of course, so sorry.

We've been driving for six hours on the wrong side…

on the opposite side of the road that we're used to.

I've really got to go.

Oh, that old chestnut.

This isn't a public toilet with a possibility of a drink.

This is a pub.

Toilets are for costumers only.

-Ah! -[Alex] I got this. I got it.

[Mike] Okay.

Hey, how are you?

What's a great British drink?

We got beer, ale and cider.

You decide.

I will have a cider, an ale, and, uh…

-A coke for the designated driver. -Mm.

Frank! Get the cider.

[Lillian] Frank makes it himself.

I bet he does.

There you are, son, that's a proper pint for you.

None of your craft beer bollocks around here.

Is it supposed to be lumpy?

That be six pounds fifty.

Sounds reasonable.

Call it seven, then.

[Alex] Okay.

[coins clatter]

I can do it.

-That's a big one. -[Lillian groans]

Let me.

-One pound. Fifty. Ninety. -[Alex] One pound. Fifty. Ninety.

-Two. Three. Four. -[Alex] Two. Three. Four.

Five. Six. Seven.

Your change.

Cheers.

Um, have you got any ice?

Ice?

You know what, it doesn't matter. It's fine.

Did you have a nice shit?

Pardon?

Nothing.

I got you a beer, buddy.

Well…

Drink up.

[ominous music]

Mm!

Mm. [retches]

-[coughs] I got to go. -Yeah.

-What are you doing? -Oh shit my tits, there's another one.

-Can we go, please? -Yeah, let's go.

[cell phone ringing]

[Mike sighs] It's Charlie.

Hello?

[Alex retches]

-[groans] -[water running]

[faint ghostly whispering]

Is anybody there?

Oh, fuck, I am baked.

Charlie? Is that you?

-Hey, I just saw Charlie. -[laughs]

-What? -He was outside.

He, he was looking at me through the window, I mean.

That's impossible, dude. I'm speaking to him on the phone.

Oh, my god, we haven't got time for this.

-Everyone to the van. -[chuckles] No, no, no.

Yeah, you heard him, right?

Alex thought he saw you in the toilet. [laughs]

-Say hello, Alex. -Hello, Alex.

[laughs] Yeah.

-No, Mr Paranoid is definitely back. -Shut up, dude.

Oh, yeah, we're not too far.

We're in a-a lovely English pub.

The Jolly Hangman, it's called.

Yeah, it's, uh…

Delightful. It's really delightful.

Yeah, all right, we'll see you at the cabin in an hour.

[ominous music]

All right, bye.

-Okay, good. Come on. -Sorry.

[man] Cabin?

What cabin?

Not the one on Peaseman's land?

No, no, not the one on Peaseman's land. It's another one.

[man] Well, that's good.

'Cos that one's haunted.

[man 2 scoffs] Nonsense.

What a load of old rubbish.

Not nonsense.

How many people go up there and don't come back?

Not one, because it's not haunted.

Go and enjoy yourselves, kids, in the great British countryside.

There's nothing to fear around here.

Some places attract the insidious.

Peaseman's land is just such a place.

Don't listen to him. The man's talking bollocks.

That place is a veritable shrine to the unholy!

It is evil! And we are in the worst of times for it!

Trust me. Everyone must stay away.

You must stay away.

[ominous music fades]

Well, thank you for the drinks and the hospitality.

I had a lovely time.

I had a lovely time also, as well.

-[Mona] I didn't. -Okay.

Hey!

Keep an eye out for a bloke in a tracksuit, that's Ian.

He, uh, runs the cabin.

[Tina] It's not that cabin, though.

[Mike] Thank you. Thank you.

[Lillian] Fucking millenniums.

-[Steve] What did I miss? -It's a fucking freak show in there, man.

Okay. Come on, let's go.

Remind me where this place is.

-Peaseman's land. -[Alex] Oh, great.

-Alex. -[Steve] Come on, buddy, shut the door.

Just great.

[engine turns over]

[ominous music playing]

I'll get the boys.

[Mona] Guys, look behind you.

What the fuck?

[Mona] Whose idea was it to go to The Jolly Hangman?

[Mike] Yeah, don't listen to my ideas ever again.

Yeah, right.

[ethereal music playing]

You got signal?

Nothing.

Okay.

Mike.

Where's the fucking cabin?

Not far.

You have no idea, do you?

Middle of bubble fuck.

The instructions are to follow the trail through the woods to the cabin.

Apparently, it's easy to find.

[Mona] Well, it seems very remote.

Fucking Charlie, man.

-Nothing is ever simple with him, huh? -Hey.

We're on holiday. Live a little.

Live a little.

-Live a little. You hear that? -Yes. Live a little.

-Live a little. -Come on.

[foreboding music playing]

Yes, that's the way you want to be fucking going.

You're in my way.

We're going to have to stay in your way, I'm afraid.

Can't have you upsetting things.

It's all in motion, and the hour approaches.

Not if I get there first.

Now, now, you know that's not the order of things.

Then it's time for a change.

Let them die, or you know what'll happen.

Chaos.

That's what I want.

You're mad.

Hammers!

[rock music playing]

-[groans] -[grunts]

[screams]

-[squelches] -[soft music playing]

Wow.

Holy shit.

[Tina] It's a joke.

-[Steve] Fucking hope it is. -[Tina laughs]

[ethereal music playing]

[Mike] Charlie?

[Mona] I can't see anything.

Hit the lights.

[Mike] Where is he? He said he'd be here.

[Mona] What did you expect?

[Mike] He's not going to send his pals to some creepy cabin in the woods

and just not turn up.

[Steve] Actually, that's a lot like Charlie.

Well, I'm going to go look for him.

Yeah, you do that.

Who's with me?

No one?

Okay.

[sighs] Okay. I'll come.

Well, I'm not forcing you.

[Mona] Not fair, Mike.

[Tina scoffs]

[Steve] Uh, is this it?

[chuckles]

If I were Charlie, where would I hide

till the time was right to make my grand entrance?

[Mike] Charlie?

Ah. Hi! [chuckles]

[imitates beeping]

Very funny, Mike.

[ominous music]

[Mona] What's eating him?

"Soul Reaper".

We probably have to decipher it.

You know, one of those murder mystery, um…

Fucking hell, Charlie!

Did you find him?

No.

But we found this.

Hey, where'd they get a picture of your dad?

[Mona] We found these, too.

Holy shit.

Oh, great. Charlie's up to his old tricks.

No, no, no. This is real.

This is what Charlie's dad was telling me about, the occult!

Chill your boots, dude. You've smoked too much spluff is all.

Let's get out of here.

Look, Charlie will turn up any time now,

and this will all be one of his great pranks like he used to pull in camp.

Give the guy a break!

Okay, all right, Charlie, come on. You got us!

-[bangs on door] -[ominous music playing]

[whispers] It's probably Charlie.

[shushes]

Let's get him.

Hm.

-Strange. -Hey!

-Oh! Delboy! -Look at us!

-[Mike] You made it. -Wouldn't miss it for the world, old boy!

This is going to be some party.

Well, if Charlie has anything to do with it…

-Hey! -[all greeting]

You remember Maria, of course.

-[Maria] Good to see you all! -[Delbert exhales]

God, it's great to see you guys. It's been ages.

You all right, Alex?

-Well, he's back on the spluff. -Oh, mate…

They call it dope for a reason, man.

Hey, man, it's not the spluff!

[Maria] What is that?

We found it in some creepy shed.

[Maria] That is very creepy.

Look on the back.

-Soul Reaper? -Yeah, we found these, too.

[talking indistinctly]

-[laughs] You got us! Nice one. -[laughs] Yeah.

[Delbert] Oh, come on, guys!

Haven't you heard of Photoshop? Make-up? Fake blood? Honestly…

Such a bunch of scaredy-cats!

Honestly, Del, you should've seen them before you got here.

-[Maria and Delbert chuckle] -[monster growls]

-What was that? -Okay, okay.

You're starting to sound like Mr Paranoid here.

-I am not paranoid. -[monster growls]

-Okay, what the fuck is that? -Okay, are you in on this, too?

No, man. I'm genuinely scared.

Something could be out there.

-I'll check it out. -He's so brave.

[Delbert] Don't worry. I brought protection!

-Hey! -[all] Whoa!

I told you not to swing that about indoors.

That looks very unsafe.

-Is that real? -She is real, baby.

And, Mona, it is safe!

I've been in training.

-[thumps] -He's watched a lot of videos on YouTube.

Well, you can thank me later, wankers, after I've saved your lives.

Check out what others toys I've brought with me.

To protect us from what lurks in the darkness.

[distant growling]

[Alex] Okay, sword boy.

Go and check that out, it'll put my, my mind at ease.

Don't worry.

I'll go and take a little look around outside with trusty Samantha here.

Oh, anything out there? I'll deal with it.

[clicks tongue, chuckles]

[whooping]

He's so brave. [chuckles]

[Delbert screams] Ahh!

-Oh! -[all gasping]

[laughs]

[laughs] Get out of here!

-You're the best, Del! -You're the best.

He cracks me up.

[Delbert] There's nothing out here. It was probably just an owl.

[Delbert] Wait, what is that?

[Delbert screaming]

[thuds]

-[all screaming] -[distant growling]

-No! -Fuck!

[all shouting incoherently]

-[bone snapping] -[screaming]

-What's up, bitches? -You fucking dickbag!

-This is-- -[laughs]

Fucking hell, Charlie. I could fucking kill you!

I told you it was a fucking prank! Whoa!

-Your faces! -[laughs] We got you!

-All right. Okay, enough. Enough fun for-- -Whoa, whoa, whoa. What you doing?

I'm here now. Come on, let's go swimming!

Swimming? It's getting dark!

That's the best time to go swimming, bruv!

Night swimming! What happened to your camp spirit?

-[inhales deeply] -Don't you dare start singing.

[Tina] You are such a fucking asshole, Charlie.

[chuckles]

-You're a fucking asshole! -[laughs]

[all groaning]

-[laughs] -Oh, Tina!

What happened to you, girl? You used to be fun!

I am fun!

Then pick up your shit and let's go.

-Man, we just got here, we-- -[Charlie gibbers]

-[Steve] Ba, ba, ba? -[gibbering continues]

-Don't ba-ba-ba-- -[gibbers]

-[chuckles] -Pick your shit up, and let's go.

-Come on, come on! -That's the last of it, right?

That would be telling.

[laughter]

-[ominous music playing] -I see you found the shed okay, then.

Well, we're here, aren't we?

Um, you must be Ian.

Yes, I'm Ian.

[laughs]

[Ian] Is that blood?

It's, it's fake blood.

[spits]

[Ian] I'd prefer it if you didn't make too much of a mess in the cabin.

Yeah, yeah, we'll clear it up, mate. Don't worry about it.

Don't want to have to write you up in a sub-standard guest review,

so keep it clean.

Okay.

Yeah.

Nice beard.

Thanks, man.

[Charlie] Cheers, bruv.

-[ominous music plays] -[laughs]

[chuckles]

-That was weird. -[laughs] I know.

-What? -[laughing]

I told you, the further in London you get, the weirder these pricks are.

-[Mona] Jesus. -Come on, get your shit. Let's go.

Yeah, I'm going to stay here. I've got a migraine.

-[Tina] Really? -Yeah.

Steve's on his period. Rest of you lot, let's go.

-You sure? -You go. I'll be fine.

-Steve, Steve, Steve. -[Steve] What?

Take this. Take that.

-Okay, okay, okay. -[Charlie] Hurry up. Hurry up.

-Everyone's leaving. Yeah, yeah. -Mm.

And down, swallow. Let me see, let me see.

-[Charlie] Show me. -I'm not showing you.

-Show me, show me. Come on! Good boy. -Ah…

See you later.

Good boy? God--

Goddamn asshole.

[ominous music playing]

[grunting]

[breathing heavily, grunts]

-[grunts] -[squelching flesh]

-[pants] -[both grunting]

You must let them die!

You'll kill us all!

You're already dead.

[screaming, crying]

[ominous music fades]

[Charlie] Come on, you lot. What happened to you?

We grew up, Charlie.

Oh, what exactly did you do last year, Charlie?

Loads, mate. I went skiing in the Alps.

I went sky diving in Dubai.

Oh! I wrestled a bear in Russia.

[chuckles] That's a bit extreme, isn't it?

Hey! You do you, mate. Team extreme!

Woo-hoo! Team extreme! Oh, yeah!

-Oh! -[all cheering]

-[Delbert] Team extreme! Team extreme! -You're crazy!

[unsettling music playing]

-[music fades] -[water lapping]

-[laughter] -Hey!

-[Charlie] You son of a--! -[laughter continues]

Hey!

-[Mona] Come on in! Come on in! -[Tina] I'm not coming if you do that.

Alex! Not coming in?

No, I don't have any swimwear.

My god.

[Delbert] Yeah! Get 'em off!

-[all chant] Get 'em off! Get 'em off! -Come on!

[all chanting] Get 'em off! Get 'em off! Get 'em off!

-[Mike] Get 'em off! -[Tina] Yeah, come on, you loser!

-Yeah! -[all] Get 'em off! Get 'em off!

Get 'em off! Get 'em off! Get 'em off!

-Sorry. -[Charlie] Bruv, your boxers are fine!

I'm smoking!

Ow! Shit! Ow! Shit!

-[Tina] You okay? -[Maria yelping]

-Maria? -[Tina] Hey, Maria?

-[Delbert] Maria, you all right? You okay? -[gasping]

-[Delbert grunts] -[Maria sighs]

[Maria] You saved me.

[in Spanish] And you will save us all.

[in English] Thanks, man.

Be careful here.

We've never had an accident on Peaseman's land.

We don't want one.

I'm going to the pub.

[Ian] I'll be there all night if you need me.

Okay, just for the record, that guy really freaks me out.

Guys, what's that?

[Delbert] Over there!

I'm being serious!

Del, you've had your fun. Just, can we chill out for tonight?

[Delbert] Shut up, Mike!

There's something there in the bushes!

-Delbert, stop it! -I'm serious.

Come on, everybody up! Everybody up, everybody up!

Dude, dude, dude. [chuckles] No one believes you.

It's not working, Delbingo. Give it up.

[Delbert] I'm not fucking joking!

[unsettling music playing]

-[text messages whooshing] -[banging on door]

[man speaking indistinctly]

Hello?

[ominous music playing]

Bollocks, which way is it?

Bollocks! Bollocks! Bollocks!

-Jesus Christ! -It's me!

Don't do that! What's wrong with you, woman?

What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you?

Nothing's wrong with me…

Oh, enough, Delbert. I'm exhausted with this.

Look, we had a good prank, now it's time to relax.

What I saw wasn't a prank. Someone was watching us.

[groans] Why are you trying to scare me?

[pants] I'm sorry.

[chuckles] I'm sorry. You're right. It's Charlie. It's…

Another one of Charlie's games.

-Or yours? -It's not--!

[in low voice] Look, let's find our way back to the cabin.

I'm sorry I freaked out back there.

But someone was watching us.

Shit, look…

A scary figure? Good one.

Run!

-[Maria] Stop it, you're hurting me! -[Delbert] Come on!

[Steve] Charlie?

[Steve] Hello?

[man] This way.

Charlie?

[ominous music playing]

[man] Over here.

[indistinct ominous whispering]

Charlie?

Charlie?

[whispering continues]

[man] Trust me.

[ominous music intensifies]

Nope!

[eerie music playing]

-Right, that's packed! -[Maria] Put it down.

Whatever it is, has gone.

Come, my little bear.

[melodic piano music playing]

[Maria] Hmm.

-[clattering] -[Maria] The fuck was that?

[Delbert] Hello?

[coughs] What's happening?

Uh… Oh. [coughing]

I-- I don't know, babe.

-[Maria] Charlie? [groans] -[body thuds]

[Delbert groaning]

[breathing shakily] Please, don't kill me.

[Delbert screaming]

[dramatic music playing]

[sighs]

[Steve] Weird.

Delbert?

Maria?

Whatever.

[muttering indistinctly]

Stupid idea wasn't it, come all the way to England.

Winter, it's cold.

Goddamn, stupid Charlie.

[guitar playing gently]

[Charlie vocalizing]

♪ Till the end of… ♪

♪ Time ♪

[groans] You like that?

Yeah! Woo! [sniffles]

-[clapping] -[Charlie] Thank you.

-Thank you very much. -That's a fun little song, Charlie.

[Charlie] Yeah, man, I picked it up on my travels.

-Cool. [groans] -Where did Delbert go?

[sighs] He's probably sulking in the van like a little bitch

because we didn't fall for his prank.

[Charlie blows]

So, Charlie boy.

-The big question… -[Charlie] Yeah?

Did you find yourself?

[all chuckling]

-Yeah, you could say that. -No! The lucky lady.

What about her?

Who is she?

Never you mind, mate.

Ah, come on, Charlie.

You're not normally coy about these things.

-[Charlie chuckling] -I find this helps.

-Ah, you reminded me. -Eh.

Boom! Zombie mind melter.

-Have a bit of that, mate. -What could possibly go wrong?

[chuckling]

Tequila, rum and a special ingredient.

The hoobeebee herb.

[chuckles] The hoobeebee what now?

The hoobeebee herb?

Only grows in cemeteries?

[groans, clicks tongue] It's the hoobeebee herb

that gives it the special hoobeebee taste!

-Oh! -[Charlie] That's right.

Jesus!

That's what the crazy witch doctor told me anyway, in Hawaii.

-I'll pass. -[Charlie] Chicken!

-[Charlie mimicking chicken] -[chuckles] Fuck you.

Okay, fine.

-[Mike] Charlie? -[Charlie] Yeah?

-Are you avoiding the question? -[Charlie] What question?

The lucky lady.

I mean, she's lucky. What can I say?

How did you meet?

[Charlie sighing] I don't know.

I can't remember. It was so long ago now.

Well, you've never mentioned her on Facebook.

[Charlie groaning] Tina.

I'm not about Facebook. Went off that about a year ago.

It's all about living in the now with your mates.

Right here, with you guys.

Just tell us about your fucking fiancée, man.

[laughter]

[Charlie] Oh, God, what can I say? She's amazing, she's great, she's…

I've never felt like that before.

[hisses] Anyway, uh…

Have you guys heard of the story of Peaseman's land?

No. Ooh.

Hey. Hey!

Nine years ago, nine students went missing in this very forest.

[Tina scoffs] Oh, my god. Here we go again.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm being serious.

Nope. I'm out!

What? Ah, come on.

-I'm going back to the cabin. -What? Really?

-Tina. -Who's going to tuck us in now?

-[Tina] Goodbye, guys! -Oh.

[Tina] Good night!

Mike.

So, tell us about the nine students.

[ominous music playing]

Billions and billions of years ago…

[Mike coughing]

…there were beings we call monsters…

that formed the very world we walk on today.

They sleep deep in the Earth's core.

Watching, waiting.

[phone chimes]

[door opens]

Whoa, whoa.

-Everything okay? -Charlie being Charlie.

Okay, what's he done now?

He, he's trying to scare us with his stories.

I mean, I did tell you.

That's why I'm here.

Every nine years,

nine human souls must be fed to The Old Ones.

In nine sacred portals around the world.

He's being very coy about his fiancée.

I'm suspicious.

Oh, please. Tell me.

-[softly] I don't think he's got one. -What? No!

-Shut up. -[both laughing]

I knew it. I knew it, it's bullshit.

Mm-hmm.

If they are left hungry, then they will rise up,

and destroy all that we know.

Ugh, stop it. My head hurts.

[muffled] I'm just saying.

Don't you think it's strange that he invited us to his bachelor party?

Yeah, but it's not really a bachelor party, is it?

It's more like a… I don't know, last hurrah?

-For what? [laughs] -I don't fucking know.

-I'm such a bitch. -[Tina chuckles] You are such a bitch.

[door banging]

Goddamn it, man.

I haven't got time for pranks, my head hurts.

-Come on. -I swear to God, Charlie.

-[door opens] -[sighs]

[thuds]

Tina?

-[thuds] -Tina?

[whispers] Fuck.

[in normal voice] Oh, fuck, my head.

[suspenseful music playing]

Jesus fucking Christ.

-Tina. -[Charlie] Soul Reaper.

-Puts the children to sleep. -[groans]

Then takes their souls for The Old Ones to feast.

[groaning]

Please. Don't.

[screaming]

Did you hear something?

[Charlie] I didn't hear anything.

Man…

My head is fucked.

-["Over The Moon" by Mono Club playing] -[gasps, groans]

[breathes heavily, sighs]

-♪ Do you think I think about ♪ -Okay.

♪ I think about ♪

♪ I think about you ♪

♪ There are words I have to say ♪

♪ I have to say ♪

♪ I have to say ♪

♪ Where is the full step? ♪

♪ Where is the contact? ♪

♪ Where is the moonlight? ♪

♪ Under your eyelids ♪

-♪ Well, it's a long, long way to follow ♪ -Yeah, this is more like it.

♪ Forever ♪

Oh, yeah.

♪ And it's a long, long way to follow ♪

-♪ You'll never find ♪ -[Charlie distorted laugh]

♪ You'll never feel ♪

♪ There are times I want to laugh ♪

♪ I want to laugh ♪

♪ I want to laugh out loud ♪

[Alex sighing]

♪ There are times I could have cried ♪

♪ I could have cried ♪

♪ I could have cried aloud ♪

♪ Under the lamp's light ♪

♪ When we were connected ♪

♪ Where is the moonlight? ♪

♪ Under your eyelids ♪

♪ Well, it's a long, long way to follow ♪

♪ Forever ♪

-♪ We have a long way back to follow ♪ -[distorted laugh]

♪ We'll never find ♪

♪ We'll never feel ♪

[muffled whining]

[muffled whimpering]

-[baby crying] -[groans]

Oh, my.

Honey?

[woman] Alex, the baby is crying.

Yeah, I got her.

-Hey, sweetie. -[baby crying]

[sighs, whispers] Daddy had the weirdest dream.

-[distorted laugh] -Whoa! [shouts]

-No! No! No! -♪ We'll never be ♪

-♪ Together ♪ -♪ Ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

-♪ Ah ♪ -♪ Together ♪

-♪ Ah, ah ♪ -[whimpers]

[groans, whimpers]

I'm fucked! [groaning]

[shouting fades out]

[sombre music playing]

-[growls] -[shouts] Oh, my god!

[birds chirping]

[eerie music playing]

[Alex groans]

What time is it?

I feel like I've been kicked in the head.

[Mike] What happened last night?

-[Mona groans] Ow. -[leaves rustling]

Here. Get this down, yo.

-Here. -[Alex] I think I'm bleeding.

What the fuck happened to your heads?

-[Mona] Guys? -[groans] Check your own head, dude.

Ah, shit!

Fuck!

Oh, fucking hell. I fucking wondered why it fucking hurt!

I thought it was the hangover.

Oh, sh-- I'm cut real deep.

Who, who did this? [stammers] Is this, this you, Charlie?

Why do you already think it's me?

Because it's usually you that does these things.

I'm bleeding too, you know.

Well, what about that, that Ian guy?

Didn't he say that he wanted to spend the night at The Jolly Hangman?

People say a lot of things.

[panting]

Where's my phone? [shouts] Where's my fucking phone?

Oh, shit.

-[Mona] I can't find my phone, either. -[Mike] Mine's gone, too.

Mine's gone, too.

[yelling in distance]

-[Alex] That sounded like Steve. -[Mike] It's coming from the cabin. Fuck!

[clanking]

[Mike] What happened?

[Steve] Tina's dead.

He killed her.

[Mike] Who? Who killed her?

[Steve] He did.

[Charlie stammers] I didn't do anything.

Then how comes we've got these fucking carvings on our heads, Charlie, huh?

I've got one too, you know. Right here, look.

Um, tell us what happened.

There was a… a noise at the door.

Tina went to go look, the door slammed, I-I started to feel woozy.

It doesn't fucking matter, because he killed her!

-[Mona] Guys… -Whoa.

How do we know you didn't kill her?

Because you're a fucking psycho! That's how!

-You're here by yourself! -I have always known--

-[Mona] All right! Hey! -[overlapping dialogue]

Hey! Come on!

Guys, she's not dead!

Looks like she banged her head and passed out.

She is breathing, but we should get her to hospital.

I told you I didn't kill her.

Just because she isn't dead doesn't mean that you didn't try--

Do you know what? Fuck this! Because I'm calling the cops!

-How you going to do that? -Our phones are gone.

What the fucking hell is happening? Huh?

Well, it seems like someone drugged us last night.

Look at this shit!

-The fuck have you done, Charlie? -Stop accusing me. [whispers] Asshole.

-Well, then who fucking did it, huh? -I don't know.

-Where is Delbert? And Maria? -Exactly.

Well, I don't fucking know, but they left their fucking hats.

-All right, let's check the parking area. -[Steve] Wait, wait, Mike.

-We got to tie up Charlie. -What?

I don't trust him.

[Mike] I don't know.

This is some next level bullshit.

You're not serious.

We can use these.

[foreboding music playing]

I don't know, guys.

Steve's right.

Something weird is going on.

Don't even try.

-[sighs] -Um, Charlie?

Buddy, enough's enough.

If this is a, uh, prank, now's the time to tell us.

Mike, believe me.

No, I wouldn't go this far for a prank. This is just plain sick!

Okay. I believe you.

I believe this is not a prank.

Give me those.

Have a seat, Charlie.

I can't believe we're doing this.

I'm branded too, you know.

Sit down.

Mike, it's me. Charlie?

[yells] Sit down!

[groans] Touch me, I dare you.

I've travelled the world, you fuckers!

I've learnt all types of martial arts shit!

You… Who the fuck wants it first then, huh?

Who the fuck wants it, huh? What fucking one of yous?

I'll fucking take you all on!

[yells] Fucking come on! Fucking come on!

-[groans] -[chair squeaks]

You guys are nuts! You need me!

All right, uh, I'll check the vans.

Alex, check the lake.

-Mona, check the camp fire. -[Mona] Mm-hmm.

Be back here in 20 minutes.

Steve? Take care of Tina.

Oh, wait, Delbert's bag! He has protection, remember?

A blow dart. I'll take this.

[Charlie] Whoa! Wait, Mike!

You're just going to leave me here? With him?

You'll, you'll regret this. You need me!

And when you need me, I'll remember you've done this to me.

You're done for!

Don't make me tape your mouth up too, Charlie.

-[grunts, groans] -[thuds]

I thought you were my friend, Mike.

I am your friend, Charlie.

Some friend.

-[door closes] -[groans]

[yells] Delbert!

Maria!

The fuck is that?

[grunts]

Come on, you bastard. [groans]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[plastic rustling]

Motherfucker.

[birds chirping]

Delbert?

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Asshole.

[Ian] Staying out of trouble, Mark?

Uh, it's Mike, but--

That's a cool symbol you've got on your head.

Thank you, uh, our tires have been slashed.

Oh, who would do that?

I don't know, but do you know of a garage?

-Anywhere near here that would-- -Oh, that's easy, I can fix that.

I'll just get my toolbox and meet you back at the cabin in half an hour.

-That's four tires. -[Ian] One, love.

Thanks.

[ominous music playing]

I need a piss.

Hey, matey!

I need to go for a wee-wee.

[Steve] Tough.

Remember when we used to be friends?

[Steve] Oh, we were never friends.

[sniffling] I just put up with you

because for some reason, the other guys liked you.

[scoffs]

Really? You had a crush on me, mate.

-[Steve] Fuck you. -[scoffs] Exactly.

Look… [groans]

Mate, I know we've had our differences, but…

[clicks tongue] Come on. You know this ain't me.

I really, really need to piss. I need to use the toilet.

Come on, please, mate. Help me out.

Steve? Steve, I know you're there.

Steve.

Steve!

Stephen. Stevie, Stevie!

Come on, bruv.

Man about to piss himself!

S-T-E-P-H-E-N.

Oh, Stephen.

Okay! All right, All right!

-Jesus. -Thank you.

Right, but I'm only doing this because I don't want you pissing your pants

while Tina's got an open wound, and I'm only untying your arms,

not your hands.

Just be grateful that I'm doing that much.

Well, listen… if you ain't going to untie the hands,

you're going to have to get the old boy out.

Which was your plan all the long, isn't it?

-Oh, but you're tightening-- -I'm not tightening it!

For God's sake, you are such a pain in the ass, man.

I'm not going to let you out if you keep going.

But you're going tight. Loosie.

Would you shut the fuck up? Goddamn you.

[ominous music playing]

[jazz music playing]

Charlie.

Mischief, huh?

-[blows dart] -[gasps]

[thuds]

Hey, look, Charlie, I got him. It was the weirdo from the pub all along.

Strange.

-[groans] -[thuds]

[sniffles, whimpers]

I don't know if I can do this.

[man, echoing] Of course you can.

It's not right. [sniffles]

They're my friends.

[man] Some friends.

[groans] I don't want them to die. [sniffles]

[man] Do you want them to rise?

[whimpers, sniffles]

[exhales heavily]

[exhales]

[man] Look how far we've come.

[high-pitched sound]

-[panting] -[indistinct whispering]

[resonant music playing]

[panting]

Hey.

-What the fuck is going on? -I don't know, are you okay?

I'm, uh…

I'm seeing things.

-Wait, where's Charlie? -He's in there.

[knocking on door]

Charlie?

Charlie!

Charlie, come out now, come on.

Charlie, open the door or we break it down.

Yeah, come on, Charlie, open the door, come on.

-Open the fucking door! -He just wanted to take a piss, I--

Charlie, open the goddamn door, damn it!

Okay, on three, we break it down.

One,

two, th--

-[Mike] Whoa, whoa, Jesus. -[groans]

[Steve] What the fuck are you doing, man? Why didn't you open the goddamn door?

-My hands are tied. -[Alex] Hey.

I found our phones. They're fucked!

Why is Charlie's penis hanging out?

-Oh, god, yeah! -For God's sake, Charlie, put it away.

It took me forever to fish these out of the water.

[Steve] Oh, for God's sake.

[Charlie] Mike, Mike. Come on, man. You know it's not me, let me go.

-[Alex] Um… -Untie me, mate.

Delbert's van is missing.

Let's just get out of here, man.

-Um, more bad news, guys. -[ominous music playing]

-Our tires have been slashed. -Oh, god.

But Ian's on his way to help us. He's just getting his tools.

Oh, great, great. Invite the weirdo to the party.

-Let's just get Tina and get out of here. -Why don't you?

Yes, that is the best idea you've had all day.

-Let's go, come on. -Okay.

Whoa, whoa. What about me?

-Let's fucking leave him. -[Charlie] What?

-[Mike] We got to untie him. -Why? Huh?

We don't know that it was him that did this.

-Thank you, Michael. -Mike, this is a bad idea.

Trust me, you're going to regret this.

-♪ Freedom ♪ -Fuck you.

♪ Freedom ♪

[scoffs]

[dramatic music playing]

[deer bleating]

Oh, great. What's this now?

It's time for the ceremony.

I see, Charlie's marrying this dick!

All right, what the hell is going on, Charlie?

Oh, Mike…

A great honour has been bestowed upon you.

You are to be the saviours of humanity.

The gateway to the world below will soon be open.

Soul Reaper, right?

You nine have been chosen to feast the appetites of The Old Ones.

The poison is still in your system.

Your motor functions will soon cease operating.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Jesus. Jesus Christ, Alex.

Destiny awaits.

-[high-pitched sound] -Oh, fuck. Fuck.

-Oh. -Oh, man, my head.

[chuckles]

[groans] Charlie, what's going on?

-[groans] -[Charlie] I'm sorry, Mike.

It had to be you guys.

I was never going to be able to lure the London boys down here, no way.

-[Charlie] I'm sorry, mate. -What are you talking about?

Hey! No, put her down!

[Steve] What on Earth?

That's my twin.

Jeff.

Pleased to meet you all.

Man, you have got to be fucking kidding me!

[thuds]

You're very lucky to be chosen to quench the appetites for The Old Ones.

I'm sorry, mate.

Only twins born on a new moon can open the portal.

[scoffs] Ian brought us together.

Never would've known I had a brother if it weren't for him.

[scoffs] It's true.

Never mind about Ian.

I'm the Soul Reaper.

Saviour of the world.

Time to meet The Old Ones!

You bastard, Charlie…

[disturbing music playing]

The Soul Reaper puts the children to sleep.

Then takes their souls for The Old Ones to feast.

In honour of the first virgin sacrifices, I stand before you.

Today is the wedding of humanity to The Old Ones.

Only with sacrifice can we satisfy their hunger.

These nine souls shall save mankind from destruction.

[clicks tongue] And now, we begin.

[chanting in ancient language]

[gasps]

[groans]

[coughs]

-[chanting continues] -[groaning]

[groans, panting]

You're fucking insane!

-[groans] -[Jeff grunts]

-Control her! -[Tina gasping, panting]

[groans] Shit!

I'll fucking kill you, Charlie.

I'm going to fucking kill you, Charlie!

Know as you die,

that you saved the entire world from destruction.

We thank you for your sacrifice.

The world thanks you for your sacrifice.

-And now, you must go. -[Tina panting] Fuck you.

Steve. Steve. Steve. [whimpers]

-What the fuck? -[groans]

[Ian resumes chanting]

-[Tina whimpering] -[groans] Where the fuck am I?

[Steve] What's going on?

[Steve] Please.

[Steve] Somebody help me, please!

[Tina] Steve…

-Please, what the fuck is going on? -Shut the fuck up!

Yankee doodle dandy! I've been practising that for five years.

And you almost made me mess it up. Throw him in first!

-[Tina crying] No! -[sinister laugh]

-Well, go on, then! -[Steve] Jesus fucking Christ!

-[Tina whimpering] No! -Will somebody help me?

-[Tina] Please! Charlie! -[Steve] No. Fuck you!

[Tina] Charlie, what the fuck?

-[screaming] No! No! No! -[Tina] Charlie, no!

[Tina sobbing]

You fucking bastard! [whimpers]

Continue.

-[rock music playing] -[Tina whimpering] You fucking bastard!

[Tina] What the fuck is going on?

-[Alex groaning] Fuck! -[Tina] No way!

-[sobs] Alex! -[Alex screaming] No! No! No!

-[Alex screams] -What the fuck?

What the fuck are you doing, Charlie?

One eye is missing, maybe it's raining!

[screams] No!

-Mona, no, no, please, please. -Save me, save me!

Save me! [screaming]

Charlie? Is that you, man?

-[sinister laugh] -[Delbert groaning]

Please, Charlie, please.

[groans]

[sobs] Oh, please. Delbert. Why?

Nice one, you got me. You got me, you got me!

-Delbert! -[sobs] Why? Why? No, no!

No! No!

No! No! Fuck you!

[sobs] No! No! No, no!

[sinister laugh]

-[Will] Poppy! -[grunts]

-[Jeff grunting] -Poppy!

-[Will] Are you okay, Poppy? -[groans] Get your hands off me!

-[Will] Poppy! Poppy! -[Poppy] I'm warning you!

-[Poppy screaming] -[Will] Poppy! No!

No! No! [screaming]

[Tina sobbing] Please, stop. Please.

Charlie, why?

Mike. Mike.

Mike! Mike, run! Get up!

-[sinister laugh] -Mike! Mike! Get up! Get up!

[monster growling]

Please, get up!

Charlie! Oh, Charlie, stop!

-[sobbing] -Get the fuck off me!

Oh, fuck!

-[Tina screaming] Oh, god! -[Mike] The fuck?

[Tina] What are you doing, Charlie?

-Get the fuck off! -[thuds]

[Mike] Charlie!

Charlie! Look at me!

I thought you were my friend.

[groans]

[monster growling]

[screaming]

[Tina sobbing]

-No way! Please! -[grunts]

-[Charlie] No! -No! No! No!

Don't touch her!

-[Charlie] No! -[sobbing]

Please, just pull yourself together and die with some honour, will you?

Fuck your honour.

You're a fucking psycho!

Look, if you don't go, The Old Ones will rise.

And if the old ones rise, they're going to kill us all.

Including you.

Why don't you chuck your fucking self in, you fucking psycho?

You fuck!

I organised this whole thing! All you had to do was show up!

-Throw her in! -[Charlie] I said, let her go!

-Don't touch her! -[Ian] Charlie.

If you don't throw her in, you have to sacrifice yourself.

Ladies first!

[sinister laugh]

[screaming]

I will kill you!

-[sobs] -Whoa, whoa, whoa.

-[panting] -I told you to trust me, right?

I told you to trust me.

Okay? It's okay, it's all right.

-[groans] -You fucking bastard!

But I love you.

[chuckles]

Fuck you!

[grunts]

[screaming] Jesus!

[sobbing]

[sobbing continues]

-[leaves rustling] -No!

-[footsteps approaching rapidly] -No, no, no, no.

No! [groans]

I will fucking kill you!

-I will fucking kill you! -Shut up!

I'm here to save you!

Has the portal opened yet?

["Best Laid Plans" by Mono Club playing]

♪ All those little plans we never found ♪

♪ Got lost in the undertow Now left behind ♪

♪ So let's forget it Pass on the best laid plans ♪

♪ I'm still willing I'll do the best I can ♪

♪ All our heady ghosts on video ♪

♪ Are you sad They'll never be what you could own? ♪

♪ So let's forget it Pass on the best laid plans ♪

♪ And I'll keep willing I'll do the best I can ♪

♪ So let's forget it Pass on the best laid plans ♪

♪ I'm still willing I'll do the best I can ♪

["Best Laid Plans" ends]

["End Times" by Stephen Evans playing]