Original subtitles

[wind whistling]

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[electronically modified splashing]

[The Police playing "Deathwish"]

♪ Deathwish in the fading light ♪

♪ Headlight pointing Through the night ♪

♪ Never thought I'd see the day ♪

♪ Playing with my life this way ♪

[electronic whooshing noises]

♪ Gotta keep my foot right down ♪

♪ If I had wings I'd leave the ground ♪

♪ Burning in the outside lane ♪

♪ People think that I'm insane ♪

[police siren wailing]

Insane!

[toy siren wailing]

[clicks tongue]

[gulls crying]

[revving loudly]

[The Boomtown Rats playing "Keep It Up"]

♪ Snap me in your breach ♪

♪ I want to be your bullet ♪

♪ I want a little kiss That's gonna take my breath away ♪

♪ And every lover tries to do things In a different way ♪

♪ Ah-hey-hey-hey ♪

♪ Does it feel nice? ♪

♪ Does it feel right? ♪

♪ Does it feel all right? ♪

♪ Does it feel good? ♪

♪ Quite nice ♪

♪ Can you keep it up? ♪

♪ Can you keep it up, upright? ♪

♪ Does it let you down? ♪

♪ I heard it let you down ♪

♪ Sometimes ♪

♪ Snap me in your breach ♪

♪ I want to be your bullet ♪

♪ I want a little kiss That's gonna take my breath away ♪

♪ And every lover tries To do things in a different way ♪

♪ But that's what they all say ♪

♪ Give it up, give it up Give it up, give it up ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh… ♪

Morning. Delivery.

♪ Does it feel all right? ♪

♪ Does it feel good? ♪

♪ Quite nice ♪

♪ Can you keep it up? ♪

♪ Can you keep it up, upright? ♪

♪ Does it let you down… ♪

[coughing]

Morning.

[coughing continues]

♪ All right ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Does it make you feel uptight? ♪

♪ Can you keep it up? ♪

♪ Quite nice ♪

♪ I bet it's quite nice ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ Is it all right? ♪

♪ Quite nice ♪

Morning.

Delivery for Mrs. Hemmings?

PR, second floor, east wing, through eighth door left, room 206.

[telephone ringing]

-We did it in the bus shelter. -That's nice.

-Morning, morning. -Hi.

-Morning. -[machine beeps]

[typewriters typing]

Tell Rodney what I said. I'm sure he'll come round.

[knock on door]

Morning.

Good morning.

You can take these back when I've signed them.

Don't watch over me.

Go over there and sit down, if you're able to in that outfit.

-I'm a document short. -I don't know about any others.

You just deliver, that's it.

-Wait. -Shall I return these?

If you think you can manage it.

Which I'm sure you can.

-I'm sorry, I've been a bit bitchy. -I'd be bitchy if I worked in an office.

Oh, come on. It's better than riding a motorbike.

Nothing in the world is better than riding a bike, lady.

[upbeat music playing]

[electronically distorted screeching]

Judas S. Charriot?

[motorbike revving]

[upbeat music playing]

[electronic whirring noises echoing]

[siren blaring]

I'm late! I won't make it.

Can I make it? Can I make it? Maybe I can.

[siren stops]

No, I can't.

-Mr. Willow, delivery. -I'm late. I'm late, I can't stop now!

-I've got a delivery for you. -I'll miss the 2:22!

-It's gone 2:00 already. -But it's important!

I can't take it now. [gagging]

-I'm choking. I'm late. -Here it is.

-No, not now. -Here you are.

Tomorrow!

-The 2:22! -I hope you miss the bloody thing.

[gulls crying]

[woman] Hello, my sunshine.

-Hello, Gran. -Oh, dear, a mood, eh?

How you feeling, flower?

Here, get your plates off my ottoman, will you?

Okay.

-What's up? Bad vibes at work? -It's all right.

Well, I thought you liked riding, sweetheart!

Only leads from one miserable job to another.

But…

It's only a temporary number, boy,

just till you know what you really wanna do.

There's only one thing I really like doing.

Don't tell me. Stunt riding.

Stunt riding? What can you do with stunt riding out here?

-What is there here? -There's a few sheep.

You're a sight more hip than the neighbours, let me tell you. [laughs]

You silly old 'nana. You're on a right old downer, aren't you?

Sorry.

What you want, my dear lovey, is a nice cup of tea,

couple of leapers and a rave up down the Mausoleum.

They've got Fred Turkey doing the disco.

[American accent] Okay, boys and girls, and welcome to this star-studded noche.

Yes, I have a special delight for you.

Would you believe, a new version of an old disco favourite?

Yes-sirree-Bob, coming all the way from my dear old, good old friend,

Franz Bernard, from the U.S. of A.!

-[patron] Get on with it! -[DJ continues indistinctly]

[Zoot Money playing "Your Feet's Too Big"]

[indistinct DJ patter]

♪ You shine when it comes To swimmin' and duckin' ♪

♪ But all thumbs When it comes to rockin' ♪

♪ Your feet's too big! ♪

This is a real bloody treat, this is.

Bloody Clerk spends an hour on the telephone

begging me to come down here with him tonight, begging me!

Telling me how much he loves me and adores me and all that bull.

-And then I give into him because-- -Because you're so kind and generous.

-And no one else has. -Correct! And what's he doing?

He's in the bloody car park

having multiple orgasms over his mates' motorbikes.

Tonight, the Mausoleum presents an international collection of models

designed at a reasonable price

by that wonder man of mechanics, Mr. Dorking.

First, the revamp of a 1927 classic,

here gracefully paraded by Bawny Butler, the Doctor's Cooper in metallic cerise.

Followed by Revenge.

Betsy Bobbins comes to the wheel of this unassuming little number.

Blue bottle exterior, velvet trim.

Now, the gossamer delight

of Dorking's own Deuce Coupe

sports five windows

and the palest blue flames

set upon magnolia white.

Sinister and sleazy. It's Nosferatu.

An evil 32 Coupe only allowed out after dark.

And from Brighton now, the Yellow Pill,

a junky little Ford Popular with plenty of junks.

Again, from across the water,

the 1942 Sting,

V8 air-cooled German commando car,

driven by Fritz Levi Von Clatton.

And finally, here he comes: Moody Munday,

the self-appointed pretender to the stunt king's throne.

[N.R.G. playing "Get It Right"]

♪ You can get it, you can get it You can get it right ♪

♪ You can get it, you can get it You can get it right ♪

♪ You can get it, you can get it You can get it right ♪

♪ You can get it, you can get it You can get it right ♪

[music continues in background]

Ooh! [sighing]

What's it all about, eh?

-What are those, you loono? -Who are you trying to impress? The girls?

-Bionic Woman? -I'll copyright it tomorrow.

It's brilliant!

It's a work of genius, of a mastermind,

a creation of brain beyond no brain.

A future mind in a voided world.

-What a wally. -[laughing]

A demonstration of your creation, please.

Get over there.

You two may assist me.

-Levitate me. -Lift.

[metallic clatter]

Who is it? Who's the greatest? Am I not a cosmic being?

Hey! Minty's doing a dirty dance! Come on!

-See you later. -What?

Disengage. Please disengage. Don't leave me.

[engine starts]

Houston, we have a problem here.

Houston!

We have a problem here!

We have a problem here!

Houston, help!

[Chic] ♪ Don't be a drag Participate ♪

♪ Clams on the half shell And roller skates, roller skates ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ These are the good times ♪

[men cheering]

♪ Leave your cares behind ♪

♪ These are the good times ♪

[indistinct chatter]

-That's new. I like that. -Oh, yeah? That's Jem.

-[Dave] Jem, is it? That's a bit rude. -[inaudible response]

She came with me, Dave. She's with me. I brought her here tonight.

Okay, okay, I'm only asking.

She's shy, you know, hasn't been around much.

Shy, is she?

-I like shy girls, Clerk, you know that. -You wouldn't like her.

-I would. -You wouldn't. She came with me.

I'd like to teach her a thing or two.

[inaudible]

♪ Let's get together ♪

♪ How 'bout a quarter to ten? ♪

♪ Come tomorrow Let's all do it again ♪

♪ Boys will be boys ♪

♪ Better let them have their toys ♪

♪ Girls will be girls ♪

♪ Cute pony tails and curls ♪

♪ Must put an end To this stress and strife… ♪

All right, Jem, how's it going?

-I hear you're engaged. -Eh?

Yeah, to a converted '57 Zodiac with whitewall tires, isn't it?

-Dunno. -Where did you get that? It's lovely.

Oh.

You're Dave, aren't you?

-Yeah. -He says you're the best on a bike.

I like bikes. I like the power. I like it a lot.

I've got this skirt especially for biking. It opens right up to the top.

-Right up, know what I mean? -Uh-huh.

I want a ride home after. Know what I mean?

Okay.

You're really into conversation, aren't you?

What's the matter with you?

-Come on, get your clothes off. -Okay, okay.

-Do you want a hand? -No, no, it's okay.

-You're shy, aren't you? -Shy? You're kidding.

You are, you're shy.

Very flash on a bike wheelying along the high street.

But not so flash without one, are you?

Listen, I'm gonna be the best stunt rider in England.

You'll have to wait till Judas S. Charriot gets back to the States then.

-He's not all that fantastic. -Oh, look, he's aroused!

Take your gloves off, then.

[humming "God Save the Queen"]

[man, American accent] Gelt, the population of Britain's gotta learn

that the Judas S. Charriot Jump Competition

is a product of Shimmer Industry.

-[Gelt] Understood. -Don't interrupt, please.

[humming continues]

-The party has to be unique… -[woman] Tsk! Sugar!

[man] …flamboyant yet restrained.

[Gelt] Flamboyant yet restrained!

[man] Gelt, don't talk, just listen.

Those entering the competition gotta learn respect for Shimmer,

the Cadillac of this business.

[Gelt] The Rolls-Royce of entertainment!

[man] This company is more than money.

[woman sighs]

We have established tradition.

[Gelt] Been established two years!

[man] Three years, Gelt.

[woman humming]

Now, you gotta concentrate on the party and that's it.

I mean, we can't just hold it in any hotel.

It's gotta be, uh… Hi.

…charismatic, unique.

-Gelt, make it a strain. -I'm straining!

Make this one difficult, will you? Wait, I got it. That's it. That's it.

The Tower of London. We need the Tower…

No. [laughs]

Buckingham Palace. That's it!

Listen, you said you're well connected. Talk to Her Highness. Buck…

What are you standing there for?

Would you please get up and go? That's what you British need!

You need our energy, you need American zap.

I'll buy some.

Shut up. Just shut up.

Miss Mott. Good day to you.

[Mott] I'm ready, Marvin.

We were just discussing the PR party and trying to find out where to hold it.

-I'm sure you have a good idea. -Oh, yes.

What about a really swanky hotel?

Splendid. You're really bright.

Well… uh… what else do you have for me?

Um…

Some requests for the big jump competition.

This many? This many?

They're nuts. They'll all die. It's an impossible jump, you know.

They'll all drop out in the preliminaries, I can guarantee it.

Write the word "guarantee," Miss Mott. Write it in your book.

Judas will be furious if this many apply, so that's what we're doing with them.

Blame the Post Office, nobody will be surprised.

But the hopes and aspirations of these young people.

Gelt! Gelt! Gelt!

Shut it.

Just concentrate on the party, please.

Look, try to get Windsor Castle.

And tell the Queen I'm in a hurry, she'll understand--

-Gelt, what are you standing there for? -I'm kneeling.

That guy spends more time in space than any other human.

[woman] He's the greatest.

Oh, yeah? One of his tracks nearly killed me.

He's just flash.

No one's mad enough to jump against him.

He's not so special. I'm thinking about it myself.

[woman, laughing] Oh, yeah? You reckon?

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah!

Come on.

[siren wailing]

[man] Come on then!

[The Police playing "Walking on the Moon"]

[engine puttering, revving]

♪ Giant steps are what you take ♪

♪ Walking on the moon ♪

♪ I hope my leg don't break ♪

♪ Walking on the moon ♪

♪ We could walk forever ♪

♪ Walking on the moon ♪

♪ We could be together ♪

♪ Walking on, walking on the moon ♪

♪ Some may say ♪

♪ I'm wishing my days away ♪

♪ No way ♪

♪ And if it's the price I pay ♪

♪ Some say ♪

♪ Tomorrow's another day ♪

♪ You stay ♪

♪ I may as well play ♪

♪ Giant steps are what you take ♪

♪ Walking on the moon ♪

♪ I hope my legs don't break ♪

♪ Walking on the moon ♪

♪ We could walk forever ♪

♪ Walking on the moon ♪

♪ We could be together ♪

♪ Walking on, walking on the moon ♪

[crowd cheering]

"I, David Munday, the undersigned of the address above,

do hereby apply with this undersigned application

to enter the Judas S. Charriot motorcycle jump competition."

"Please further any information, contracts or other business to the above address."

"This letter is a legal document, signed below by myself without prejudice,

full mind and body."

Witnessed by Clerk Biggins, personal manager.

[motorbike engine puttering]

And witnessed also by James Astro Kadlet, technical executive.

And, of course, the rider himself, Mr. David Munday.

As your personal manager, I have something very important to say.

What's that?

That you, the undersigned, would be a total wally to enter this competition.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah. You might be hurt, or even killed.

-And I still want my 25-- -25% of what?

Wait. I too have something to say.

We need a man of supreme mechanical know-how.

A man like what the Wright Brothers were to flying.

Like Rolls-Royce was to the motorcar.

Like Scotty was to the Starship Enterprise.

We need the genius of the motorcycle world.

-Who's that? -We need… Mr. Dorking.

[Cliff Richard playing "Willie and the Hand Jive"]

-"Teds Nite"? Who's Ted? -Who's Ted? God!

♪ I know a cat called Way-Out Willie ♪

♪ Bah, bah-dup-dup ♪

♪ He's got a cool little chick Called Rockin' Millie ♪

♪ Bah, bah-dup-dup ♪

♪ He can walk and stroll With Susie Q… ♪

You're in the wrong manor, me son. The YMCA's down the street.

Uh, we've come to see Mr. Dorking.

No. He don't like being disturbed when he's jiving.

We're in a spot of bother. We need his help.

Oh, different. He likes bother, a lot.

Uh… uhh… uhh…

♪ Hand jive ♪

♪ Do that crazy hand jive ♪

♪ Mama, mama, look at Uncle Joe ♪

♪ Bah, bah-dup-dup ♪

♪ He's doing that hand jive With Sister Flo ♪

♪ Bah, bah-dup-dup ♪

♪ Mama said to Papa "Baby, you'd die" ♪

♪ Bah, bah-dup-dup ♪

♪ "If you do that hand jive One more time" ♪

♪ Bah-om ♪

♪ Hand jive ♪

♪ Hand jive ♪

♪ Hand jive ♪

♪ Do that crazy hand jive ♪

♪ Yeah, let's go now ♪

There's Mr. Dorking.

What are you staring at?

-You think I look funny, sonny? -No. He said you were the best rocker--

-Rocker? -You boogie like the king of the Teds.

I don't boogie, I jive, son.

Mr. Dorking, we won't take your time or anything, but we need your help.

-Well, what's the story then? -I've entered the Judas competition.

But my bike's not up to it.

-We'd like you to modify it. -[friend] Right.

I've been told you've a mind to stuff that Judas.

That's definitely all right, 'cause he's all flannel.

I wouldn't mind giving him a bit of British steel myself.

If you've got the bottle for the flying, I'll scan your wheels.

I'll be over tomorrow.

It's all right, nobody's gonna eat ya.

Yeah, rock on, Jerry Lee, here we go.

♪ You shake my nerves And you rattle my brain ♪

♪ Too much love drives a man insane ♪

♪ You broke my will ♪

♪ But what a thrill ♪

♪ Goodness gracious Great balls of fire ♪

♪ I laughed at love 'Cause I thought it was funny ♪

♪ You came along And moved me, honey ♪

♪ I've changed my mind This love is fine ♪

♪ Goodness gracious Great balls of fire ♪

♪ Kiss me, baby ♪

♪ Whoo, it feels good ♪

♪ Hold me, baby ♪

♪ Well, I want to love you Like a lover should ♪

♪ You're fine ♪

♪ So kind ♪

♪ Got to tell this world That you're mine, mine, mine, mine ♪

♪ I chew my nails And then I twiddle my thumbs ♪

♪ I'm real nervous But it sure is fun ♪

♪ Come on, baby ♪

♪ You drive me crazy ♪

♪ Goodness gracious Great balls of fire ♪

♪ Well ♪

♪ Kiss me, baby ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ It feels good ♪

♪ Hold me, baby ♪

♪ Well, I want to love you Like a lover should… ♪

-Looks like a letter from Shimmer to me. -Ah, great!

[engine putters, dies]

An invitation to Shimmer's party. Terrific!

A message from another world!

Now, cool it, cool it, flower.

Black tie, one guest.

I'll get my gear on. Any chance to put the clobber on and I'll be there.

Right, take me to the patient.

[gulls crying]

[sniffles]

Rubbish. Major surgery.

-Dunno, looks ace to me. -[scoffs]

[upbeat music playing]

[Marvin] Well, I've just got one thing to say, Gelt.

It's satisfactory. Believe it or not, it's satisfactory.

But where's the publicity? I said I wanted photographers, right?

[Gelt responding indistinctly]

They're supposed to be here now!

[Gelt] I issued all the invitations. They will be here.

[indistinct chatter]

Hi. Uh, uh… uh…

Have a nice night.

Who is it? Who is that?

-Danino. -The hairdresser?

Do you know how famous he is?

Why didn't you tell me in my ear, you idiot?

You make me sick--

Who the hell is that? What is that thing with the Hell's Angel?

I'll take care of this. Watch me.

All right, John?

[motorbike revving]

[cheering and applause]

[deep voice, American accent] Hi there, folks.

Welcome to madness.

Oooh!

-Oops! -[woman screams]

-I spilled my drink. -Stand back! Are you okay, Arnold?

Arnold? Not Arnold! How many times do I have to tell you?

-Excuse us. -No photographs!

[dance music in background]

[indistinct chatter]

[Marvin] Gelt, who are these creatures, huh?

Never seen one of them in LA before.

Some British people haven't been there.

You're kidding? They've never been to LA before?

[scoffs]

Incredible. Incredible.

Hi, how are you? Have a good time, enjoy yourself.

-Nice to see you again. -Hi.

-Enjoy yourself, have a good time. -Hello again.

Gelt, come here, listen.

I know I know those people. Are they rich?

No. [laughing]

-Royalty? -No!

-Course they're not. But they're famous? -No.

Then what the hell did you invite them for, Gelt?

But they're your mother and father.

That's it!

Yes. This way.

Marvin. Marvin.

May I introduce Mr. Munday and Mr. Dorking, his guest.

I sent them an invitation on your instructions.

Your instructions were not, N-O-T, not, Mott,

to send any invitations to the contestants.

[Dave] When do you think you'll reply to my application?

We're about to, we're about to.

Mr. Ravensdorf has been very busy on charity work, haven't you, Marvin?

Mind the suit! Mind the suit! What's your game then?

[crowd gasping]

Here, mind the-- Mind the drape. Mind the DA.

Eh! Now, listen--

Oh!

[both groaning]

Ah! Look at the lining!

FBI, CIA poofters, they don't know who I am.

If I find they had the drapes, I'm gonna kick them…

-They can't treat people like that. -They just have.

[crowd chatting]

-[applause] -[man] Speech!

Thanks. Thanks very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, my dear, dear, dear friends.

This moment is a great moment for us.

A moment of greatness for Shimmer Industry.

I want-- I need to express to you our gratitude for your presence here.

So I got a little something for you.

It's a movie made especially for you, and you.

It's from LA, Los Angeles, California.

[applause]

Ladies and gentlemen, wait. Please, my dear, dear friends.

This little movie begins and ends

with the greatest stuntman the world has ever seen,

will ever see.

Judas S. Charriot!

[Judas burps]

Raise the curtains! Dim the lights!

Ladies and gentlemen, I, Marvin, give to you

the Judas S. Charriot Show!

[applause]

I want to tell you about the greatest goddamn stuntman in the world.

And I ain't kidding.

If you thought--

[guests screaming]

[engine revving]

[screaming]

["1812 Overture" playing]

Whoaaaa!

[woman screaming]

Hey, Judas. I accept your challenge to jump the Devil's Leap.

[burps]

I like your style, kid.

-What's your name? -"Kid." That'll do.

[Mr. Dorking] Right, lovely party. Thanks for the invitation!

[glass tinkling]

No. I don't want it.

No. No. Mnh!

[gulps]

No more. No more. Oooh.

No more!

I'm sick! Can't you see?

Doctor said if I wasn't so physically strong I wouldn't have survived the shock.

[Gelt] Good morning, good morning, good morning!

What's so good about it, Gelt? Huh? The brat? The British son of a bitch?

I'm not going to get excited. I'm not.

Flings catering at VIPs, celebrities, people of standing, rich people.

Do you know an aristocrat was covered with chocolate mousse?

I don't ever want to hear his name again, do you hear me? Ever!

I'm not gonna get excited. That's it.

And as for you, Gelt, you deserve to be fired without thanks, you know?

Good morning!

"Charriot's weight is up."

Good morning!

"Judas S. Charriot Show gets underway."

-Good morning! -[laughing]

What the…

-"Charriot a smashing hit." -Good morning!

"Crashing stock with Judas S. Charriot."

-Good morning! -"A great jump."

"Will the kid jump against the world's best, Judas S. Charriot?"

All right, Gelt, I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

Hold up, hold up, hold up!

-Be quiet! -[microphone feeding back]

Be quiet! Dorking's talking.

Right, number one. The theory, i.e. the mathematical calculations

and the specifications of the ramp, the length of the jump, the velocity,

the weight and impact of the machine, the weight of the rider,

the fuel, et cetera, is all down to Astro and his sky-fi freaks.

Correct. Exact. Affirmative.

Technically true. Cosmically correct. Universally--

[Mr. Dorking] Over and out.

Now, all other forms of transport

are down to me and my mate in the territorials,

and the less said about that, the better.

Now, finances, such as they are, are down to Clerky,

combined with all other administrations.

Yes. Before leaving, everybody will donate a quid or more, but not less.

And I will invest in various forms of illegal gambling.

Right. Diet. Down to Burt Ganja.

Brown rice and yoghurt for a month, my son.

No more fry-ups?

You don't fry yoghurt.

Here!

Do me a favour!

Oh, no, too much.

I only made 12 cheese rolls.

I know you did, lady, I ate them.

Oh, you're for me, you are, gutso.

You want a knuckle sandwich. Out of my way.

[hammering]

-Okay, is it? -Yeah.

Affirmative.

Well, it looks all right, don't it?

-Bit shaky. -Must have a bit of elasticity.

Elasticity? Put the 40-foot marker down.

-That's a professional job, that is. -Is it?

-In the trade… -[engine revving]

In the trade, I would have won medals for that.

Well…

-I designed it myself and I built it. -19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27…

-I'm very pleased with that. -This'll do.

-All right! -All right. Come on!

-Do you think it's a design fault? -It's the wood.

-Yeah. -The wood.

[engine revving]

Too elastic?

[robotic voice] Your weight is 215 pounds.

Two hundred and 15 pounds, dry weight.

-Dry what? -Weight, prat.

♪ Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha… ♪

A-rup!

Ra-da-dup!

A-rup!

A-rup!

[scatting show tune]

[groans]

Your weight is 160 pounds.

-That's four pounds you want coming off. -No trouble.

It's God's own food, man.

Keeps you really…

healthy.

[gull crying]

Your weight is 163 pounds.

I could bash you!

[Re-Flex playing "Whizz Kid"]

♪ Who's the kind of guy Who lives by taking chances? ♪

♪ Who's the mastermind At finding all the answers? ♪

♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Always cool ♪

♪ Nobody lov es a know-all Always flash ♪

♪ Always better Than everyone in their class ♪

♪ Who in fact ♪

♪ Has got the knack… ♪

[ramp creaking]

♪ Whizz kid ♪

♪ Gotta be a whizz kid ♪

♪ Hey-hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey-hey ♪

♪ Let's go, let's go ♪

♪ Whizz kid ♪

♪ Gotta be a whizz kid ♪

♪ Yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah ♪

♪ Yeah-yeah ♪

♪ Hey-hey! ♪

[friends shouting encouragement]

Yay!

♪ Let's go! ♪

He's ready!

[humming]

[revving]

Must get the geraniums potted.

What about that, then? What more do you want me to do?

Nip over to Tesco's for me, will you, darling?

Get me groceries, I'm all out of All-Bran.

What about the jump, Gran? Was it good?

My wash line still up? Ooh! Far out!

I can take that Judas anytime.

Now then, keep your cool.

Okay, Gran, I'll keep my cool if you'll make a little deal.

What sort of a deal?

The deal is that you come with me to the stadium tomorrow.

-Yes, okay. -Thanks, Gran, you're a winner.

No, duckie, you're the winner. I'm the runner-up.

[revving engine]

[host] Shimmer Inc. proudly presents the Judas S. Charriot Stunt Spectacular!

We have, amongst many great stunts,

Live Burning Man to dive 80 feet into a tank of flaming petrol.

One team of great motorcyclists all planned as well.

The Dynamite Man will wrap himself in high explosives

and detonate himself before your very eyes.

Leading stunt riders will attempt to jump across a bath of acid.

The first to go, from the sunny south, the Brighton Bomber!

Eighty miles an hour over a 70-foot jump.

[Dire Straits playing "Solid Rock"]

♪ Well, take a look at that I made a castle in the sand ♪

♪ Saying this is where it's at, y'all Couldn't understand now ♪

♪ If I realized That the chances were slim ♪

♪ How come I'm so surprised When the tide rolled in? ♪

♪ I'm gonna live on solid rock ♪

♪ I'm gonna live on solid rock ♪

♪ I wanna give I don't wanna be blocked ♪

♪ I'm gonna live on solid rock ♪

♪ Well, I'm sick of potential ♪

♪ I'm sick of vanity now ♪

♪ I'm sticking to… ♪

Hanging fire, burning rope, 18 feet up, 8 down.

Britain's fair-loved totty.

She will attempt to release herself before the flames burn through.

It's touch and go for this pretty suburban housewife.

♪ I wanna live on solid rock ♪

Kid's been giving hell. Now watch him jump that acid bath!

And Dynamite Man, I think he's all right. Steady now.

[crowd] Four, three, two, one…

[scattered applause]

That's it!

Diving 70 feet into flames is not enough, so he's set light to himself!

Watch him go! The Chap from Chichester!

[band playing]

[cheering and applause]

Will that rope hold? She needs a few seconds more.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five…

The flaming man is going! And there he goes!

[applause]

Will she make it? Will it burn through? Will she die?

And now, the one contestant before the main event…

[applause]

[gasping]

Three contestants only for the main event.

One, the Halifax Hellcat.

Two, Dave Munday, the Canvey Kid.

And three, the one and only Judas S. Charriot

to jump 80 feet of liquid fire!

-First to go… - Mr. Hellcat.

…with nerves of steel…

-Mr. Hellcat! -…the Halifax Hellcat!

Mr. Hellcat!

[chuckles] Good luck to ya.

-Thank you very much. -Been training hard?

I'm down to 15 a day. I've chucked the habit, you might say.

-Are you confident? -I've never been more relaxed.

Who's worried?

Here he is now, the hard man from the north of England,

the Halifax Hellcat!

He made it! He made it, folks!

How about a round of…

[cheering and applause]

Bye-bye, darling.

Keep warm, stay cool.

I'm not going away for a week, I'll be back in a moment.

Yeah, I know.

Dave Munday, the Kid from Canvey, to face his biggest test ever.

Can he make 80 feet?

Will he meet Judas S. Charriot and the Hellcat at Devil's Leap?

He made it on his first jump!

Let's hear it for a great kid, Dave Munday!

[cheering]

[American accent] Well, hi.

-You deserve a little celebration. -Thanks.

You jumped fabulously.

-I've never had this stuff before. -Have some more.

Whoa!

It's not bad.

-Ups? Downers? -I don't need any of that stuff.

Anything else? Huh?

Huh?

[screaming]

[Gran] Keep out of it! Keep out of it! Keep out of it!

Ain't you got homes to go to?

You'll get your autographs, all right.

I'll write my autograph on your beaty heads.

-[cork pops] -Oh!

[Gran] Oh! [laughing]

[Mr. Dorking laughing]

That's £2 on the floor, there.

Dave? Dave? Little bit of verte verne, hey?

-Go on, Gran. -Just a diddy one. That's enough.

[laughing]

Come on.

Come on, Clerk. I did pay for it.

Down the little red lane.

There we are. We're on the way up now, eh?

-Through a gravitational pull. -That's the one.

You want to watch out for them groupies, fella.

Yeah.

It can only get worse now this one's over.

You're part of a team now. We're behind you, boy.

-Right. -What are you playing at?

Just one of the boys.

-You know what? -What?

I'm tired. I want to sleep. Right now.

-That's all right, we'll go. -No problem. Come on, push off.

-Come on, lads. -Good luck, Dave.

That's right.

Listen, you don't have to prove yourself to me or anybody else.

I don't want you to do it, darling.

[The Pretenders] ♪ So special ♪

♪ I gotta have Some of your attention ♪

♪ Give it to me ♪

Judas S. Charriot, champion of the world!

["Fanfare of the Common Man" playing]

[rock music playing]

Gelt, give me my pills. Punk's giving me a migraine.

-He can't be that good. -He's too goddamn good.

He takes his own time, he could become the second greatest in the world.

Don't say that. What do you wanna do, bury me? Huh?

-What about Halifax? He cleared it too. -He's out of it already.

He's chicken. No real control.

Nah, the kid is the only problem.

He gets no training, no equipment, no expert advice.

No expert advice.

-No buses to jump. -No buses to jump.

-No jump training. -No jump training.

And especially no help from us. Got it?

-Got it? -Shut up, Gelt!

I'm sorry!

He's got a fan club, already. My fans, my ex-fans.

[women] Dave! Dave!

[Cliff Richard playing "Dreamin'"]

♪ Four o'clock I've been walkin' all night ♪

♪ It's the time I always think of you… ♪

[soft snoring]

♪ Then you know Just what I'm goin' through ♪

♪ Here am I, I'm takin' a chance ♪

♪ In runnin' around With stars in my eyes ♪

♪ Here am I, I'm lookin' for you… ♪

[contemplative music playing]

[tires squeal]

What a scene! What's going on?

Who are you?

God!

[phone rings]

-Hello? -[woman] Marvin?

-Speak. -Marvin. Marvin, wake up.

-It's Zoro, it's me. -Who?

The kid's had an accident. He's had an accident.

He's had an accident?

-Yeah, a bad one. He came off on landing. -A bad one?

It looked terrible. He really hit the ground and the bike's on top of him.

-He's blown it, it's bad. -Oh, dear.

-Dear, dear, dear. -I don't know what to do.

-Hit the ground hard? -Very hard indeed.

-He did? -What are we gonna do?

-He didn't get up, I suppose? -He couldn't move!

-What do I do, Marvin? -He didn't? Oh, my God.

[clicks tongue]

Wonder what flowers we should get him.

Perhaps a wreath. [chuckles]

Marvin! If you'd seen it, it's not funny! It's not!

-All right, all right, calm yourself. -How can I?

-Not dead, is he? -I don't know.

He's gonna be out of action for a long time, a long time, Marvin.

-This changes a lot of things. -What are you gonna do?

Thank you, Zoro.

-Thanks. -Marvin. Marvin, hang on. Marv--

[sighs] Oh, Marvin.

[footsteps approaching]

-Marvin, the press handout. -Here you go, kid.

"Shimmer Industry and I offer deepest sympathy for your tragic accident."

"We hope that by giving you this gift,

you can replace your sadly destroyed machine

and vigorously strive to take up the challenge

of the Judas S. Charriot show to be held in one week's time

at the Devil's Leap, 2:30 sharp,

tickets available from your local theatrical agent or call 01 785 2901."

I, Marvin Ravensdorf,

proudly bestow upon you the full cost of a brand-new motorcycle.

-[photographer] Smile, please! -I was moving, can't you see that?

-Now take it again. -[patient gasps]

-Oh! Ta very much! -[Marvin] Would you please--

-What can I say? -[Marvin] What is this?

-You're a knockout. -[Gran] Hello, dear.

Wait a minute, I thought you were you. Silly me.

-Five hundred quid? -Give it back.

[Gran] Lay off the crispy lettuce.

Give me that money. Give me that money.

Refrain from taking pictures for one second.

Look, give me that money back. It's mine. Give it to me!

You tricked me. I thought you were you. You know you tricked me. It's mine!

-Uh-uh. -Give me that money!

Would you…

Would you please restrain from taking photographs for one second?

Thank you.

Give me that money!

Give me it! Give me that money, it's mine!

Stop taking photographs!

-Marvin. -Stop taking photographs!

Give me that money, it's mine!

-Give me that camera! -Come on, people!

-I can't stand it! -Cool it. Cool it!

I can't stand it!

That was some recovery.

Oh, somebody phone his shrink up, for Pete's sake.

Who's the sufferer? Who suffers? I suffer.

Every time, I'm the one that suffers!

-Whose idea was this, Gelt? -It was yours, Marvin.

Mine? Mine…?

You think I'm gonna take the blame for this?

You're nuts. It was your idea, Gelt, the whole thing.

No, and neither Miss Mott nor myself could be held responsible for this fiasco.

-How do you get out of this asylum? -You're a baby, Marvin.

-You screwed it, you schmuck. -Me? Me?

It was Zoro's idea. She's the one that told me that he was in the crash.

How do you get out of here? Heads will roll, I'm telling you!

Yeah, yours!

Mine? I'm not taking the blame for this one, I'm telling you.

Just think of the publicity.

Oh! Clumsy! You should watch where you're going, a man of your age.

Zoro said she saw him crash. She didn't see a crash.

You know what she saw? She saw that Astro crash.

Listen to me! Get your tush in the car, and you too.

I've just given that totally healthy schmuck

enough money to beat you into the ground, you drunken slob.

-Who, me? -Now move it!

Get in the car. I've had enough of this.

And as for you, you can find your own way back, you groupie.

That's all you are, a groupie. You think it's funny?

You think it's real funny.

You can just walk back as far as I'm concerned.

Come on, move!

-Well, the Hellcat's not showing. -What a wally, eh?

[imitating chicken]

Listen, creep, you jump what he jumped.

She's after your body.

Hey, this is for me and Judas. I don't want anyone else's nerves.

I got enough of my own.

[coughing]

Morning.

Hi, kid. It's magic time.

Let's take a glance at our little bit of fun up here.

I hope it's not far, I'm a bit out of training right now.

[jet flying over]

[dramatic music rising]

[Judas sighs] Another first for British Rail.

[chuckles] Screw that.

No way is any promotional nut agent Shimmer Incorporated money-making machine

gonna make me fly that little beauty.

Oh, no, when I die, it's gonna be a different kind of suicide.

I'm gonna stick a Champagne bottle in my mouth, release the cork

and blow my eyeballs out.

What happens to the jump? The competition?

-You win, kid. -Eh?

Far as I'm concerned, you've earned that machine.

Listen, man, nobody's crazy enough to jump that ugly thing.

Not even, and you should forgive the expression, the British.

It's a joke, man. I ain't committing suicide.

Anyway, I got two, no, three… three wives,

and six… no, no, with Guss and the twins,

that's nine kids to support, and various hangers on.

And a whole lot of Champagne to consume.

Shit, man, if I stopped drinking, France gonna go broke.

Take a tip from the greatest in the world, kid.

Don't do it.

Nice socks.

[Gran speaking indistinctly]

He wins. The kid takes it. I am abdicating.

-[Marvin] What? -The king is dead.

-[Marvin] Abdicating? -Long live the king!

[cheering and applause]

Don't do that, I've got a bad heart.

Forget it, baby, it's over.

We've done it again! We did it, Mr. Dorking.

You're not gonna get away with this one, baby.

You think you can do this?

He abdicates, thousands down the drain, Shimmer is seen as imperfect…

My God, my eyes have gone numb.

Are you taking me back to my pad?

I like a full fleshed man, myself.

[couples laughing]

Mott! I said stop the fun.

Now, my friends, I know, call me party pooper,

but it's all here in this tiny thing called a contract.

I know the print is small, very small, but it's explicit.

Now, look, you, you can't welch on a deal with Shimmer Industry.

We can back out, but you can't. I'll bury you in litigation.

Crap. Do as you goddamn please.

There's no way I'm taking a run at that little mother.

-You listen to me-- -Like I told you, the kid wins.

Come on, baby.

Come back here!

[snickers]

You think it's funny, do you? Huh?

Well, let me tell you something, toots. No jump, no bike, no money.

No nothing, that's what you get.

Look at the small print in your contract, you'll see what I can do to you.

Listen! He gave up, I win.

Kid… don't you know that Shimmer always wins?

Where have you been? Now, I'm gonna do you a favour.

He doesn't want to do the jump, I'm gonna let you do it.

And if you don't want to, I'm gonna sue you and then make you do it.

Right? Now, all I want to say is I want this show to go on!

You know, you people give me nothing but bad vibes.

[contemplative music playing]

[motorbike approaching]

I want out. I don't wanna do the jump.

What you need is a little bit of distraction.

You're still shaking.

You'll be all right. Just hold on to me.

Just take it easy and relax.

I'm still shaking.

[giggles] It's not the same kind of shake.

[Cliff Richard] ♪ I'm dreamin' ♪

♪ Dreamin' of me and you… ♪

They do a great fry-up here, you'll like it.

-Hot today. -Hello.

Oh, what a dump.

-This is the best place in town. -Surprised to find a table free.

[Dave] The usual, Doris, but for two.

♪ Yeah, dream you right into my life ♪

♪ Dreamin' ♪

♪ Dreamin' will see me through ♪

♪ Woman You'd better believe that I'm ♪

♪ Dreamin' you into my life… ♪

[Joe Jackson playing "I'm the Man"]

♪ I'm the man That gave you the hula-hoop ♪

♪ I'm the man ♪

♪ I'm the man I'm the man, I'm the man… ♪

-[mob shouting] -Hold on, guy! Stop!

♪ Kung fu ♪

♪ That was one of my good ones ♪

Hey, Dave!

♪ Well, what's a few broken bones When we all know it's good clean fun? ♪

All right, my son? You gonna do it?

♪ I've almost made them respectable ♪

♪ You see I can't always Get through to you ♪

♪ So I go for your son ♪

-All right? -♪ I had a giant rubber shark ♪

♪ And it really made a mark ♪

♪ Didja looka looka look At all the blood? ♪

♪ So give me all your money 'cause I know you think I'm funny, yeah ♪

♪ Can't you hear me laughing? ♪

♪ Can't you see me smile? I'm the man ♪

♪ I'm the man I'm the man, I'm the man ♪

♪ I'm the man that gave you The hula-hoop ♪

♪ I'm the man… ♪

-How much does this lot cost? -How do I know?

[Dave] A fortune, I should think.

You want to give me a hand?

[Dave] You can't carry all this gear on a bike.

Will you get my jewellery out of the little black cupboard?

[in singsong] Hello, Shimmer.

What?

The kid's here. He's here with Zoro.

You could open a shop up with all this.

You don't need all this junk. Leave it, it's garbage.

It's my stuff.

Listen, you've got to make a choice.

I want my things.

Champagne and caviar, or Coke and chips?

-[door thuds] -[Sky playing Bach toccata]

[Judas] She stays.

He goes.

Come on, let's go.

You've got to forgive her, kid.

See, she's really two people.

One, she's greedy, money-loving and avaricious.

And two, she's greedy, money-loving and avaricious.

-Sounds like Shimmer Industries to me. -What? What? How dare you say that!

Shimmer operates at a highly moral business plateau, I'll have you know.

In that case, we jump alone. None of that showbiz crap.

It's him and me, to prove it. Man to man.

-Man to boy. -Wait a minute.

I don't know about this. We could film it.

-Or video. -Of course. World rights.

All right, I give in again. Have it your own way.

It's a deal. Now lose this mother.

[men shouting]

-No violence! No violence! -Gotcha!

[Zoro] Arnold!

Arnold?

Stop him. He'll blow Arnold to the press. Go on!

Don't just stand there, Gelt! I'm gonna kill you.

He spilled my drink.

We've got him.

[Judas] Come here, boy.

Now we've got him!

[Judas] Steady!

[music fades]

Ready!

Well, at least we dressed casually.

-[dogs barking, growling] -[Marvin gasps]

What?

Hello there, how are you? It's nice to see you. Hi!

Mr. Ravensdorf.

I'm sorry I couldn't get to Devil's Leap but I sprained my ankle,

my auntie died, and I couldn't call you because the phone broke.

-My pigeon escaped. -[woman coughs]

Oh, and Beryl had flu.

I were dead keen. Nothing would have kept me away.

[Marvin] Don't worry about it. My only concern is for you, really.

We was passing and I thought I would stop in

because I've been working on the contracts.

And I would hate to litigate.

-Litigate? -Yeah, litigate.

So, if this charming lady would be so kind as to let us into your charming house,

we have a little business discussion to talk about.

Won't take more than a minute of your time.

Keep them on, there's germs everywhere.

[dogs barking]

[sighs awkwardly]

Excuse me.

[baby] Mummy!

-Done? -Yeah.

What do you think of our little joke, Dave? Eh?

[contemplative music playing]

[bird shrieks]

[crows cawing]

Hello, Mr. Ravingdorf!

How nice to see you again.

-Same to you, Granny. -How's Arnold keeping?

I dig his coat. He's an implacable dresser.

-I wonder why the blinds are drawn. -Dunno.

Look out.

Morning.

Reckon I'll take a little look at Lovers' Leap, yes.

Come along, my darling nightshade. There we are.

[contemplative music playing]

You can't win 'em all, kid.

Now, if you want to chicken out in front of the cameras, that's okay by me.

We'll call the whole thing off.

Listen, I'm about to get on my bike. Why don't you get on yours?

On your bike, Arnold!

Gracious me, I do believe the child is being unpleasant.

Amazing. Amazing.

[disco music playing]

Hi, guys. How are you? Working hard? Yeah…

Hey, relax. Relax!

Don't tell me you're nervous. All you have to do is jump the hole.

And if you don't, don't worry about it. You won't remember a thing anyway.

Come on, Granny, let's get this show on the road.

-I'd just like to shake his hand first. -Just a minute.

-To forget all the aggravation. -I know, but Judas is meditating.

We should toss a coin to see who goes first.

-Right. -Oi!

What you got here, you bastard? Foreign muck.

-A coin of the realm, if you don't mind. -I don't mind.

Money's money, I'm not prejudiced. All right?

Heads, he goes first.

All right, Judas goes first. Now, let's move it.

-Gelt, get the television boys moving. -Right.

I've never seen a coin like this before.

No. Good, innit?

Two heads?

Oh.

Now, look, you.

You've angered me,

and when you anger me, you anger Shimmer Industry,

and I have the power to hold you up in courts for the next 20 years.

-Oh! -[glass shatters]

Now, look, I'm gonna litigate and I'm gonna take you to court…

What the heck's going on in there?

-They're having an orgy in there! -[Marvin shouting, women laughing]

What's that about?

Dunno, could be testing the suspension. Know what I mean?

-[Marvin] Get out there! -[Dave] It's a punch-up.

Now, wait!

-Let's get out of here. -He's ready.

Come on, move it, Mott. You're gonna be all right, don't worry.

-Hey, good luck, Judas. -[chuckles]

He's concentrating. He doesn't like to be interrupted at this moment.

-You know how it is. -No.

[chuckles]

[engine not starting]

Come on. Come on.

[chuckles]

[engine revving]

That's my man!

Show 'em what we're made of, Judas!

[Gran] Here, wait for me!

-Come on. -[glass shatters]

-What's that? -I dunno.

Shouldn't be anybody else in there.

[rock music playing]

Hello!

Get the cameras rolling!

Judas is on his way right now!

-Oh, God, come on. -[man imitating chicken]

-Chicken! -He's aborted his mission.

-Coward. -Big tart.

Double crossed me.

Said he would litigate, you see?

[groans]

Oh, hi, kid. How about a little libation?

I think you better step outside first.

Okay, kid. I had it coming.

But this time, don't spill my drink.

Careful, my dear sir, you're dealing with my life's blood.

-You ready, Arnold? -Ready.

[groans]

Ow!

Have you done it yet, kid?

[chuckling]

That's what I like to see.

Hey, come on, guys, let's all be friends, huh?

With you? You're joking.

Don't say that to me, it's like a knife in my heart.

Listen, I want to tell you something. None of this fiasco was my doing.

I didn't know a thing about it. One man planned the whole thing.

Who's that?

-Gelt did it. -Oh!

-You disgusting little man. -Shut up, Gelt! Shut up!

-I resign. -I was there when you had the idea--

Mott, stop it!

You see? You see the low karma I'm surrounded by?

Now, listen, I wanna tell you something.

Kid, you are the greatest stunt rider the world has ever seen, it's true.

And you know what? I'm gonna make 'em know it.

You want to be rich? I'll arrange it for you.

All you have to do is sign here, and do it quick 'cause I'm gonna change my mind.

As your advisor, David, I strongly advise against it.

Take my advice, don't, Dave!

Kid, you're smart. You know what you're doing. [chuckles]

What's this? You signed your name "Bullshit"?

-Is that the way you sign your name? -[laughing]

Now you listen. Now I'm gonna do the jump for myself.

No one else.

-Good luck, David! -[encouraging banter]

-Marvin. -What do you want? I'm depressed.

-This just isn't your day, darling. -What?

What! Let me go! Put me down! Put me down!

-[motorbike revving] -Go!

["Fanfare for the Common Man" playing]

[Eddie Kidd playing "Heavy Metal"]

♪ Feel like selling my soul To the devil ♪

♪ Always on the run like the rebel ♪

♪ You come along to see me fly ♪

♪ Hoping that you'll see me die ♪

♪ But no ♪

♪ Heavy metal ♪

♪ Take me dead or alive ♪

♪ Heavy metal ♪

♪ I know I'll survive ♪

♪ I'll live to ride another day ♪

♪ Give me the power and I'm away ♪

♪ Heavy metal is my life ♪

♪ I dream I'll be a superhero ♪

♪ A gambler ♪

♪ Who never drew a zero ♪

♪ Feeling like a thunder cloud ♪

♪ I'll hit the sky ♪

♪ To thrill the crowd below ♪

♪ Heavy metal ♪

♪ Take me dead or alive ♪

♪ Heavy metal ♪

♪ I know I'll survive ♪

♪ You love my death-defying ride ♪

♪ You'd even cheer my suicide ♪

♪ 'Cause heavy metal is my life ♪

♪ Heavy metal is my life ♪