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Synced
by Bakugan
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Please welcome Nathan Fielder.
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If you watch late-night TV,
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you might have seen my recent guest spot
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on "Jimmy Kimmel Live!"
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As you can see, I'm very relaxed,
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and getting big laughs
from the audience.
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Firstly...
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But what you could never guess
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is that this seemingly
effortless appearance
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was one of the most calculated events
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in human history.
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Every year, when the new season
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of "Nathan For You"
is about to premiere,
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Comedy Central will schedule
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promotional appearances for
me on late-night talk shows.
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Please welcome Nathan Fielder!
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Nathan Fielder!
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Nathan Fielder.
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Nathan Fielder, everybody.
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But as someone who's not
naturally charismatic,
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these appearances have
often gone awkwardly for me,
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as I've struggled to
find interesting things
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to say about myself.
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What part of Canada are you from?
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- Vancouver.
- Oh.
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- Have you been?
- Yes.
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Yes, I like it there.
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It's, uh, really nice.
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You see, celebrities
normally use talk shows
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to give fans a window
into their exciting lives.
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Me and the president are like this.
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We're best friends.
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But unlike Kevin Hart,
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I haven't met the president.
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My life just isn't that interesting.
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When I'm not at work,
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I mostly just spend time with my cats.
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You guys trying to take a shower?
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Or try to perfect a cooking skill,
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like boiling eggs.
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So when I was recently emailed a date
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to appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live!"
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to promote the new season,
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I was filled with dread.
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Any potential story I tried to tell
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just felt boring.
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When you take them out
of the boiling water,
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you need to put them into ice water
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immediately, or else the yolks
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don't, you know...
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they'll... they'll
keep cooking, you know?
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And they'll get too hard.
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Mm-hmm.
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With the pressure on me
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to gain viewers for the new season,
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I just couldn't afford to
bomb on a talk show again.
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You want to come back on another night,
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- and we'll try this again?
- Sorry.
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So I began researching
talk show appearances
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and discovered that these
seemingly random stories
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all followed a very similar formula.
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They were all based
around a crazy experience
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that the celebrity had,
and the best ones involved
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either a funny picture,
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a twist ending...
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And my friend walks
by, and I grabbed her,
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and I was like, "This
is Elizabeth Taylor!"
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And she was like, "No, it's not."
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Or what seemed to be the gold standard
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getting pulled over by a cop
at the worst possible time.
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The police pulled me over.
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And this, uh, policeman
comes up, pulls me over...
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And I see the sirens behind me,
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and I get pulled over,
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- And I got pulled over.
- I get pulled over.
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- The cops pulled us over.
- And I got pulled over.
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And it was really embarrassing.
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- The cop pulled me over.
- I got pulled over.
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- The cops pulled me over.
- And we got pulled over.
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The lights are flashing, and I'm like,
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"Oh, who are they pulling
over?' And I realize it's me.
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And I said, "I'm so sorry,
police... Mr. Policeman."
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I do know that I was pulled
over twice in one week.
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How do you get pulled over
4 times and not get a ticket?
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This was really funny, actually.
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They were so... I
was... I got pulled over,
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So after watching nearly six hours
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of celebrity interviews
and taking extensive notes,
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I had compiled enough ideas to construct
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what could very well be the
ultimate talk show anecdote.
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If I was flying to
an out-of-town wedding
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and I accidentally grabbed
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the wrong suitcase at the airport,
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I could tell a funny tale
about being forced to wear
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the oversized suit of a stranger,
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and then, if I discovered a small baggie
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containing a chalky
substance in the pocket,
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moments before a cop
pulled me over for speeding,
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it would add a heavy dose of suspense,
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and finally, if the owner of the suit
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told me that the substance in the baggie
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was actually his mother's ashes,
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it would be a twist ending so unexpected
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that the audience on
"Jimmy Kimmel Live!"
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would shower me with
laughter and applause
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unlike anything I'd experienced before.
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So I put on the suit,
and I look like a...
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you know, a Dick Tracy
villain or something.
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- Dick Tracy.
- You know?
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Yeah.
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When I told the story
to my employee Salomon,
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it killed, but there
was still one problem...
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it was entirely made-up,
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and to lie on a talk show
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would be a massive risk.
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Brian Williams once did it.
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Uh, two of our four helicopters were hit
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by ground fire, including
the one I was in.
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No kidding.
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Uh, RPG and AK-47.
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And it destroyed his career.
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I want to apologize.
I said I was traveling
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in an aircraft that was hit by RPG fire.
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I made a mistake.
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I didn't want to become
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the next Brian Williams.
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So that meant, to ensure
my story wasn't a lie,
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I'd have to orchestrate an
elaborate series of events
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to make every single plot point
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happen to me for real.
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My story begins with me attending
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an out-of-town wedding,
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so the first thing I'd have to do
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is get invited to one.
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To do this, I decided to approach
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the owner of a popular wedding venue
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in Agoura Hills, California,
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pretending to be planning
a wedding of my own.
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- Thanks so much.
- You here by yourself?
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- Yeah. My wife couldn't...
- Okay.
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My fiancée couldn't be here.
She, uh, she has Klein's,
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- so she has to stay in bed.
- Okay. Okay, cool.
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- Well, you want to see the ranch?
- Uh, yeah, yeah, I'd love to.
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All right. Come on, let me show you.
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- Looks beautiful.
- Thank you.
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But my real goal
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was to get the names
and contact information
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of a couple whose nuptials
were quickly approaching.
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I'd love to talk to one of these couples
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that's, uh, going to
be getting married here,
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to, you know...
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Find out how they're planning it.
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Um, I could put you in touch
with the planners. You know?
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Oh, okay. You don't trust me?
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I trust you.
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So why not just give me their number?
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Um, 'cause I don't want to
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just give you a client's phone number.
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I'd have to clear that
with them first, you know?
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But the venue manager
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was stonewalling me.
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So when she left to go to the bathroom,
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I looked through her computer
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and got the information I needed.
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Now that I had the
names and phone numbers
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of some soon-to-be-married couples,
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we contacted one of them
as a wedding reality show,
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and they agreed to meet with me,
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thinking I was a fiancé
who needed planning advice.
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A lot of the wedding planning I'm doing,
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because she has to
sleep most of the day,
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as Klein's does to you, but, uh...
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you know, I'm taking it on myself,
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and I'm really excited to... to do it.
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It's nice. It's a good feeling.
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Yeah.
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The couple was gracious enough
to give me some pointers.
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- Pinterest.
- Pinterest?
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Yes. You know, especially
if she's resting
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and she can just mess with
the computer, it's so easy.
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But what they didn't know
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was that my only purpose for being there
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was to score a real
invite to their wedding.
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You know, I'd love to see the...
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the venue when there's an
actual wedding going on.
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I don't know if...
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could... take a peek, or...
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Like, the setup and everything of it?
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Yeah, before, and maybe...
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a little bit during, or...
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I mean...
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- Of ours?
- Uh, yeah.
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I mean, just to...
look, I really want to be
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- thorough with my research.
- I don't know.
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A lot going on on that day,
so we're not sure if we want
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someone coming around and
having to worry about that.
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Oh, you wouldn't have to worry about me.
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- I'd just take a peek and...
- It's a...
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it's just a really...
it's a really busy day.
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There's going to be a lot going on,
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and it starts at, like, 9:00 a.m.
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Or at least I have to
be there at, like, 9:00.
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Something like that.
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You know, I wouldn't eat...
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wouldn't have to eat or drink
or... you know, I wouldn't be...
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Just to check out.
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- Yeah.
- Yeah, we get that.
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- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
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Just, you know, for my fiancée
to... who can't be there.
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She'll be resting, so...
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Yeah, maybe. I mean,
it would be a cool...
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I mean, it'd be cool for
you to see everything.
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Yeah. All right.
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So I'm invited, I guess, or...
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Um...
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- Just invited to look.
- Yeah. Yeah.
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You're invited to come and see, sure.
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- That's great. Okay.
- Yeah.
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It was now an undeniable fact
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that I was invited to a real wedding,
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and with those words,
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my made-up story for Kimmel
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was starting to become true.
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But making my next plot point happen
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would take some work.
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Arranging a luggage mix-up
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with a man who packed an oversized suit
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that has his real mother's ashes
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stored in the pocket.
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So I reached out to
the Craigslist community
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seeing if anyone who
had their mother's ashes
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and a large suit would
be willing to help me out,
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and within days, I had a few responses.
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I actually have two different bags.
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One are my father's ashes,
and one are my mother's ashes.
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- Okay.
- But unfortunately,
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when it came time to try on their suits,
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none of them were big enough
to provide the comedic effect
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I needed for my story.
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Yeah, this is basically my size.
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There was one guy named Sal
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whose suit was really big and good.
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This is good.
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But unfortunately, he
misunderstood the ad,
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and believed the ashes
weren't supposed to be real.
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The post said, you know,
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I wanted your real mother's ashes.
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Yeah. I thought it was
going to be provided for me.
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Like a prop or something.
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- Oh, okay.
- I didn't think they'd need
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an actual mother's ashes.
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I... is your mom dead?
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00:09:02,104 --> 00:09:03,737
No.
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Okay.
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It was unfortunate that
Sal's mom was still alive,
257
00:09:08,270 --> 00:09:11,404
because the suit was
perfect, but after he left,
258
00:09:11,470 --> 00:09:13,670
I realized there might still be a way
259
00:09:13,737 --> 00:09:15,870
of getting those ashes I needed.
260
00:09:16,004 --> 00:09:18,737
So I asked him to meet me at
his mom's house the next day
261
00:09:18,804 --> 00:09:20,770
to tell him my creative work-around.
262
00:09:20,837 --> 00:09:23,204
Technically, ashes can be
263
00:09:23,270 --> 00:09:26,170
any part of her, as long as it's burned.
264
00:09:26,237 --> 00:09:29,437
So I figure, if there's stuff
265
00:09:29,504 --> 00:09:32,037
from her body that she doesn't use,
266
00:09:32,104 --> 00:09:35,604
like, you know, nails, or an old tooth,
267
00:09:35,670 --> 00:09:37,570
or some hair, maybe,
268
00:09:37,637 --> 00:09:39,770
if we use that,
269
00:09:39,837 --> 00:09:42,170
we should be fine.
270
00:09:42,237 --> 00:09:43,904
Uh, what do you think?
271
00:09:44,004 --> 00:09:45,704
How much hair?
272
00:09:45,770 --> 00:09:48,004
It just has to be enough
to fill a tiny baggie.
273
00:09:48,070 --> 00:09:49,537
Just a... just a little bit.
274
00:09:49,604 --> 00:09:51,004
Like a trim from the bottom, or...
275
00:09:51,070 --> 00:09:52,170
Yeah.
276
00:09:52,237 --> 00:09:54,304
Just a little bit.
277
00:09:57,070 --> 00:09:59,004
Okay, I'll talk to her. See what she...
278
00:09:59,004 --> 00:10:00,804
The nails and the
hairs, I'm pretty sure.
279
00:10:00,870 --> 00:10:03,160
- Okay.
- I'll see what she says.
280
00:10:03,253 --> 00:10:05,804
And with that, we
headed in to meet Mommy.
281
00:10:05,870 --> 00:10:07,370
Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too.
282
00:10:07,437 --> 00:10:10,470
So, um, an opportunity came up for me,
283
00:10:10,537 --> 00:10:13,237
and, pretty much, uh,
284
00:10:13,304 --> 00:10:14,537
he's going to be in a talk show,
285
00:10:14,604 --> 00:10:16,704
and he wants to tell a story.
286
00:10:16,770 --> 00:10:19,304
So in order for it to be real,
287
00:10:19,370 --> 00:10:22,270
we need a little bit of your
hair and some nail clippings,
288
00:10:22,337 --> 00:10:23,570
and then we're going to burn them up,
289
00:10:23,637 --> 00:10:25,204
and turn them into ashes.
290
00:10:25,270 --> 00:10:28,237
- Hair from... my hair?
- Your hair, yeah.
291
00:10:28,304 --> 00:10:29,770
There was a miscommunication.
292
00:10:29,837 --> 00:10:31,404
I thought you were dead, so I thought
293
00:10:31,470 --> 00:10:33,404
- he had your ashes.
- Um...
294
00:10:33,470 --> 00:10:35,104
We just need a little bit.
295
00:10:35,170 --> 00:10:37,404
My hair is okay. My hair...
296
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:38,704
You're not gonna go bald.
297
00:10:38,770 --> 00:10:40,537
I don't know...
298
00:10:40,604 --> 00:10:42,704
Yes, it's a good opportunity
for you, it's okay.
299
00:10:42,770 --> 00:10:44,570
With Sal's mom on board,
300
00:10:44,637 --> 00:10:46,704
we started collecting
some parts of her body
301
00:10:46,770 --> 00:10:49,237
that we'd then convert into ashes.
302
00:10:49,304 --> 00:10:50,737
Along with the hair trimmings,
303
00:10:50,804 --> 00:10:53,237
she also gave us her fingernails,
304
00:10:53,304 --> 00:10:56,704
some dead skin from her feet,
305
00:10:56,770 --> 00:11:00,170
and contributed some ear
wax that we added to the bag.
306
00:11:00,237 --> 00:11:03,004
We also got permission
to snake her drain
307
00:11:03,004 --> 00:11:04,770
for any body parts that
might have fallen in
308
00:11:04,837 --> 00:11:06,437
during a shower.
309
00:11:06,504 --> 00:11:08,870
Once I felt I had enough of Sal's mom,
310
00:11:09,004 --> 00:11:11,337
we rushed her parts
to a local crematory,
311
00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:13,737
where the remains were put in a big oven
312
00:11:13,804 --> 00:11:16,004
and incinerated at
temperatures exceeding
313
00:11:16,004 --> 00:11:18,737
1,400 degrees Fahrenheit.
314
00:11:18,804 --> 00:11:20,837
So with Sal's real mother's ashes
315
00:11:20,904 --> 00:11:22,070
now in hand,
316
00:11:22,137 --> 00:11:24,104
and the wedding just days away,
317
00:11:24,170 --> 00:11:26,004
I could now prepare
for the luggage mix-up
318
00:11:26,004 --> 00:11:28,004
that would be the catalyst of my story.
319
00:11:28,070 --> 00:11:31,070
So I transferred the ashes
to a small Ziploc baggie
320
00:11:31,137 --> 00:11:33,004
and had Sal put them
321
00:11:33,070 --> 00:11:35,004
in the inside breast
pocket of his suit jacket,
322
00:11:35,037 --> 00:11:36,537
which he was instructed to pack
323
00:11:36,604 --> 00:11:38,670
in one of two identical suitcases
324
00:11:38,737 --> 00:11:40,437
I'd purchased earlier that week.
325
00:11:40,504 --> 00:11:42,137
- Thanks, Sal.
- You're welcome.
326
00:11:42,204 --> 00:11:44,870
It turned out the wedding
venue in Agoura Hills
327
00:11:45,004 --> 00:11:48,470
was only a 45-minute drive
from my home in Los Angeles,
328
00:11:48,537 --> 00:11:50,837
but for a real luggage
mix-up to happen,
329
00:11:50,904 --> 00:11:52,637
I would need to fly,
330
00:11:52,704 --> 00:11:55,137
so I booked a round-trip
ticket to San Francisco
331
00:11:55,204 --> 00:11:57,137
that would immediately
return to Los Angeles
332
00:11:57,204 --> 00:11:58,804
that same morning.
333
00:11:58,870 --> 00:12:01,004
And when the big day finally came,
334
00:12:01,004 --> 00:12:03,904
it was time to bring my story to life.
335
00:12:06,176 --> 00:12:07,909
The day of the wedding had arrived.
336
00:12:07,976 --> 00:12:11,101
So I headed to LAX,
where I had pre-arranged
337
00:12:11,141 --> 00:12:13,574
for Sal to be booked on
the same flight as me.
338
00:12:13,641 --> 00:12:15,541
From this moment forward,
339
00:12:15,608 --> 00:12:17,274
everything would need
to happen like clockwork,
340
00:12:17,341 --> 00:12:20,108
so when Sal and I
landed in San Francisco,
341
00:12:20,174 --> 00:12:21,908
we both got our bags
342
00:12:22,008 --> 00:12:23,608
and then immediately
checked them back in
343
00:12:23,674 --> 00:12:25,541
for our return flight to LA.
344
00:12:25,608 --> 00:12:28,574
Sal and I didn't exchange a single word
345
00:12:28,641 --> 00:12:30,274
throughout the entire round trip,
346
00:12:30,341 --> 00:12:33,374
which is typical for two strangers.
347
00:12:33,441 --> 00:12:35,508
When the flight landed in Los Angeles,
348
00:12:35,574 --> 00:12:37,208
we both went to the luggage carousel
349
00:12:37,274 --> 00:12:39,208
where Sal was told to take my bag.
350
00:12:39,274 --> 00:12:41,374
So when his luggage came around,
351
00:12:41,441 --> 00:12:43,041
it would be a true fact
352
00:12:43,108 --> 00:12:44,208
that I grabbed someone else's suitcase
353
00:12:44,274 --> 00:12:45,841
at the airport.
354
00:12:45,908 --> 00:12:47,408
And after getting my rental car
355
00:12:47,474 --> 00:12:49,041
and making the hour-long drive
356
00:12:49,108 --> 00:12:50,841
to my hotel in Agoura Hills,
357
00:12:50,908 --> 00:12:53,308
it was time for the moment in my story
358
00:12:53,374 --> 00:12:55,108
where I would open
my luggage to discover
359
00:12:55,174 --> 00:12:56,874
none of my clothes were inside.
360
00:12:58,908 --> 00:13:00,808
As instructed, Sal had filled out
361
00:13:00,874 --> 00:13:03,008
his contact info on the luggage tag,
362
00:13:03,041 --> 00:13:05,174
allowing me to call the suitcase owner
363
00:13:05,241 --> 00:13:07,341
and explain that I had
nothing to wear to the wedding.
364
00:13:07,408 --> 00:13:11,018
_
365
00:13:11,308 --> 00:13:13,608
Oh, yeah, that would...
that would be great.
366
00:13:13,674 --> 00:13:16,108
With just 30 minutes until the wedding,
367
00:13:16,174 --> 00:13:18,108
I was now in the oversized suit
368
00:13:18,174 --> 00:13:20,774
that would serve as the
funny visual for my story.
369
00:13:20,841 --> 00:13:22,774
And right on cue, I discovered
370
00:13:22,841 --> 00:13:24,708
the suspicious baggie in the pocket,
371
00:13:24,774 --> 00:13:26,774
setting the scene for
the essential moment
372
00:13:26,841 --> 00:13:28,574
of every great talk show anecdote:
373
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:30,474
getting pulled over by a cop
374
00:13:30,541 --> 00:13:32,441
at the worst possible time.
375
00:13:32,508 --> 00:13:34,574
I didn't want to break the law,
376
00:13:34,641 --> 00:13:36,441
so I had my production team close down
377
00:13:36,508 --> 00:13:37,908
a small stretch of road
378
00:13:38,008 --> 00:13:39,674
en route to the wedding,
379
00:13:39,741 --> 00:13:41,341
where a real police officer I had hired
380
00:13:41,408 --> 00:13:43,141
was waiting and ready to pull me over
381
00:13:43,208 --> 00:13:45,008
the second I surpassed the speed limit.
382
00:13:45,008 --> 00:13:46,008
Ready?
383
00:13:46,008 --> 00:13:47,374
Ready.
384
00:13:50,441 --> 00:13:53,774
♪ ♪
385
00:13:55,574 --> 00:13:58,241
Once I crossed 35, I heard the sirens
386
00:13:58,308 --> 00:14:00,174
and pulled over to the side of the road,
387
00:14:00,241 --> 00:14:02,441
making it truthful that
a cop pulled me over
388
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:04,008
on the way to the wedding.
389
00:14:04,074 --> 00:14:05,508
So all that was left to do
390
00:14:05,574 --> 00:14:07,308
was engage with the officer
391
00:14:07,374 --> 00:14:09,441
in a dialogue I had prepared in advance.
392
00:14:09,508 --> 00:14:10,708
Hey, um...
393
00:14:10,774 --> 00:14:12,508
can you just read these lines?
394
00:14:12,574 --> 00:14:14,641
Yours are highlighted.
395
00:14:14,708 --> 00:14:16,174
Thanks.
396
00:14:16,241 --> 00:14:18,008
License and registration, please.
397
00:14:18,074 --> 00:14:19,774
Here you go, officer.
398
00:14:19,841 --> 00:14:21,441
My hope was that this
399
00:14:21,508 --> 00:14:23,241
strategically crafted interaction
400
00:14:23,308 --> 00:14:25,241
would maximize the suspense of my story
401
00:14:25,308 --> 00:14:28,308
while allowing me to
showcase my quick wit.
402
00:14:28,374 --> 00:14:30,774
Thank God you're not
the, uh, fashion police,
403
00:14:30,841 --> 00:14:32,741
or I'd be in big trouble.
404
00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:37,908
What's that?
405
00:14:38,008 --> 00:14:39,708
What?
406
00:14:39,774 --> 00:14:41,541
That bag on the seat.
407
00:14:41,608 --> 00:14:43,741
Oh, I don't know. It's not mine.
408
00:14:43,808 --> 00:14:45,041
Hand it to me.
409
00:14:45,108 --> 00:14:46,308
The officer was hitting
410
00:14:46,374 --> 00:14:48,074
all his lines perfectly.
411
00:14:48,141 --> 00:14:49,908
So you're telling me
you got the wrong luggage
412
00:14:50,008 --> 00:14:51,741
and this was inside the suit jacket
413
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,108
and it's not even your suit?
414
00:14:53,174 --> 00:14:54,308
I can call the guy.
415
00:14:54,374 --> 00:14:56,241
I have... I have his number.
416
00:14:56,308 --> 00:14:58,641
And it was soon time for
the climax of my story.
417
00:14:58,708 --> 00:15:01,308
All right, so I'm going
to start off with...
418
00:15:01,374 --> 00:15:03,241
Are you the owner of this suit...
419
00:15:03,308 --> 00:15:04,808
Are you the owner of this suit?
420
00:15:04,874 --> 00:15:07,008
Of the suit that this
gentleman's wearing?
421
00:15:07,008 --> 00:15:09,441
Okay. What's in the baggie?
422
00:15:11,208 --> 00:15:13,041
Okay, thank you.
423
00:15:13,108 --> 00:15:15,774
And once the officer
handed back the phone,
424
00:15:15,841 --> 00:15:17,708
all that was left was
the big twist ending.
425
00:15:17,774 --> 00:15:20,374
What did he say was in the baggie?
426
00:15:20,441 --> 00:15:23,508
It's his mother's ashes.
427
00:15:23,574 --> 00:15:25,841
Oh, my.
428
00:15:25,908 --> 00:15:28,008
- That's it. That's me...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
429
00:15:28,041 --> 00:15:30,241
Thank you. That was great.
You did great. Thanks.
430
00:15:30,308 --> 00:15:33,141
I did it, and with my
run-in with the law complete,
431
00:15:33,208 --> 00:15:36,708
I made it to the wedding
just in time for the ceremony.
432
00:15:36,774 --> 00:15:38,608
I tried to keep a low profile,
433
00:15:38,674 --> 00:15:40,708
because even though I
was technically invited,
434
00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:43,174
I doubted they'd be thrilled to see me.
435
00:15:43,241 --> 00:15:45,374
The ceremony was beautiful,
436
00:15:45,441 --> 00:15:47,741
and I especially liked the part
where they kissed each other,
437
00:15:47,808 --> 00:15:50,008
because it was so romantic.
438
00:15:50,008 --> 00:15:52,608
With everything I needed
for my story complete,
439
00:15:52,674 --> 00:15:55,008
I could've left right then.
440
00:15:55,041 --> 00:15:56,774
But I ended up staying for hours,
441
00:15:56,841 --> 00:15:58,774
deep into the night,
442
00:15:58,841 --> 00:16:01,041
and as my feet glided
across the dance floor
443
00:16:01,108 --> 00:16:03,574
that had once only existed in my mind,
444
00:16:03,641 --> 00:16:07,174
I realized the exciting
life I had envied in others
445
00:16:07,241 --> 00:16:09,374
had actually become my own.
446
00:16:13,351 --> 00:16:13,982
It was the night
447
00:16:14,072 --> 00:16:16,291
of my appearance on "Jimmy Kimmel Live!"
448
00:16:16,425 --> 00:16:18,463
And as I waited for
my turn on the couch,
449
00:16:18,534 --> 00:16:20,368
I was feeling confident.
450
00:16:20,434 --> 00:16:24,368
I'd invested over $350,000
of my show's budget
451
00:16:24,434 --> 00:16:26,701
into the anecdote I'd
be telling tonight,
452
00:16:26,768 --> 00:16:29,134
and that meant this had to work.
453
00:16:29,201 --> 00:16:31,568
But shortly after the show began,
454
00:16:31,634 --> 00:16:34,168
something happened
that I never saw coming.
455
00:16:34,234 --> 00:16:36,701
Please say hello to Kirsten Dunst.
456
00:16:36,768 --> 00:16:38,668
The first guest of the
night was Hollywood starlet
457
00:16:38,734 --> 00:16:41,668
Kirsten Dunst, and as she
began telling her story,
458
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:43,534
I couldn't believe my ears.
459
00:16:43,601 --> 00:16:46,201
It started with talk
of an upcoming wedding.
460
00:16:46,268 --> 00:16:48,401
You got engaged since
the last time I saw you.
461
00:16:48,468 --> 00:16:50,534
I did, last December. Yeah.
462
00:16:50,601 --> 00:16:52,701
And then quickly
transitioned into a story
463
00:16:52,768 --> 00:16:54,868
about a luggage mix-up at an airport.
464
00:16:54,901 --> 00:16:56,601
She worked for Lufthansa.
465
00:16:56,668 --> 00:16:58,534
If someone was rude to
her in the morning...
466
00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:00,434
- She did it twice, I think.
- What'd she do?
467
00:17:00,501 --> 00:17:02,868
She would send their bag
to a different country.
468
00:17:04,634 --> 00:17:06,334
I couldn't believe what I was seeing,
469
00:17:06,401 --> 00:17:08,234
and just when I thought
it couldn't get worse...
470
00:17:08,301 --> 00:17:10,934
You know, you have movie
pot, which is basically fake.
471
00:17:11,001 --> 00:17:13,468
You know, it's like,
whatever they roll. Tobacco...
472
00:17:13,534 --> 00:17:14,668
- Oregano or whatever.
- Oregano, yeah.
473
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,334
She ended with a twist
474
00:17:16,401 --> 00:17:18,434
about confusing a baggie of fake drugs
475
00:17:18,501 --> 00:17:19,601
for real drugs.
476
00:17:19,668 --> 00:17:21,068
He came back, he's like,
477
00:17:21,134 --> 00:17:22,868
"Oh, you smoked a full blunt
478
00:17:22,868 --> 00:17:24,001
on one of the takes."
479
00:17:24,068 --> 00:17:25,101
I've never been that stoned
480
00:17:25,168 --> 00:17:26,901
in my entire life.
481
00:17:26,968 --> 00:17:28,768
I considered just leaving right then.
482
00:17:28,868 --> 00:17:30,634
How could I possibly follow
483
00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:33,334
a story that was so similar to mine?
484
00:17:33,401 --> 00:17:36,068
But before I knew it, the
sound guy intercepted me,
485
00:17:36,134 --> 00:17:37,734
and all of a sudden, I was being ushered
486
00:17:37,868 --> 00:17:39,401
to the stage.
487
00:17:39,468 --> 00:17:41,234
I had no clue what would happen
488
00:17:41,301 --> 00:17:43,334
once I was out there, but at this point
489
00:17:43,401 --> 00:17:44,634
there was no turning back.
490
00:17:44,701 --> 00:17:46,568
Season four of "Nathan For You"
491
00:17:46,634 --> 00:17:48,934
premieres September
28th on Comedy Central.
492
00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:50,668
Please welcome Nathan Fielder!
493
00:18:07,434 --> 00:18:09,368
You got a lot of energy, Nathan.
494
00:18:09,434 --> 00:18:11,301
You remind me of a young George Lopez.
495
00:18:11,368 --> 00:18:13,368
Do you get that regularly?
496
00:18:13,434 --> 00:18:14,868
I love rock and roll.
497
00:18:16,868 --> 00:18:19,734
Couldn't help but jam a
little bit with you guys.
498
00:18:19,868 --> 00:18:21,668
I was still in a state of shock
499
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:23,601
as I stumbled through the initial banter
500
00:18:23,668 --> 00:18:24,968
and began my story.
501
00:18:25,034 --> 00:18:26,501
So, okay, I was going to a wedding
502
00:18:26,568 --> 00:18:28,401
like, a out-of-town wedding. Okay.
503
00:18:28,468 --> 00:18:30,168
You've been to weddings before.
504
00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:31,501
- I was at one once, yeah.
- Yeah.
505
00:18:31,568 --> 00:18:33,501
And I could sense right away,
506
00:18:33,568 --> 00:18:36,501
the audience wasn't in the
mood for another wedding tale.
507
00:18:36,568 --> 00:18:40,034
But I knew I did have one
thing that Kirsten Dunst didn't:
508
00:18:40,101 --> 00:18:41,734
a funny visual.
509
00:18:41,868 --> 00:18:43,868
And I put on the suit,
but the only thing is,
510
00:18:43,868 --> 00:18:45,301
it's, uh...
511
00:18:45,368 --> 00:18:46,468
it's, like, way too big for me.
512
00:18:46,534 --> 00:18:48,134
Okay.
513
00:18:48,201 --> 00:18:50,268
Actually, I sent your
producers the photo.
514
00:18:50,334 --> 00:18:51,401
Oh, you have a photo?
Oh, how 'bout that?
515
00:18:51,468 --> 00:18:52,601
That's me in the hotel room.
516
00:18:52,668 --> 00:18:54,034
I took that. Uhhuh.
517
00:18:54,101 --> 00:18:55,534
Oh, yeah, that is...
518
00:18:57,101 --> 00:18:59,701
That is too big.
519
00:18:59,868 --> 00:19:01,568
That is just way too big.
520
00:19:01,634 --> 00:19:03,134
I look like a Dick Tracy
villain or something.
521
00:19:03,201 --> 00:19:05,334
Yeah.
522
00:19:05,401 --> 00:19:07,601
The explosion of laughter I
got gave me new confidence,
523
00:19:07,668 --> 00:19:10,234
and as I began
describing my drug mix-up,
524
00:19:10,301 --> 00:19:12,201
I was reminded that maybe
525
00:19:12,268 --> 00:19:15,101
the similarities in our
stories didn't matter.
526
00:19:15,168 --> 00:19:18,868
In the suit, there's
like, a small Ziploc baggie
527
00:19:18,868 --> 00:19:20,868
with, like, a powdery substance in it.
528
00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:22,434
Mm-hmm.
529
00:19:22,501 --> 00:19:24,068
Every great talk show anecdote
530
00:19:24,134 --> 00:19:26,068
follows the same formula.
531
00:19:26,134 --> 00:19:29,068
It didn't matter how many
times the audience had heard it.
532
00:19:29,134 --> 00:19:31,068
They wanted to hear it again.
533
00:19:31,134 --> 00:19:34,334
And I see the sirens, and, uh,
534
00:19:34,401 --> 00:19:36,001
a cop pulls me over.
535
00:19:36,068 --> 00:19:38,868
"Thank God, you're
not the fashion police,
536
00:19:38,934 --> 00:19:40,468
or I'd be in big trouble right now."
537
00:19:40,534 --> 00:19:43,101
I had left the baggie on the seat...
538
00:19:43,168 --> 00:19:44,934
- Oh.
- Beside me.
539
00:19:45,001 --> 00:19:47,534
Plot point after plot
point, I was killing.
540
00:19:47,601 --> 00:19:49,368
"Oh, I don't know, it's not mine."
541
00:19:51,301 --> 00:19:53,468
But as my story crossed
the nine-minute mark,
542
00:19:53,534 --> 00:19:55,868
I could tell they were
expecting a big payoff,
543
00:19:55,934 --> 00:19:57,668
and if I could stick the landing,
544
00:19:57,734 --> 00:19:59,134
this could go down
545
00:19:59,201 --> 00:20:01,001
as the best talk show anecdote
546
00:20:01,068 --> 00:20:02,434
of all time.
547
00:20:02,501 --> 00:20:06,134
And I give the phone to the cop.
548
00:20:06,201 --> 00:20:09,034
And the cop takes it and hesitates
549
00:20:09,101 --> 00:20:10,934
and puts it to his ear, and he's like,
550
00:20:11,001 --> 00:20:13,134
"What's in the baggie?"
551
00:20:13,201 --> 00:20:15,368
And then there's this long silence
552
00:20:15,434 --> 00:20:18,068
while the cop is just listening,
553
00:20:18,134 --> 00:20:21,368
and then he looks at the baggie again
554
00:20:21,434 --> 00:20:25,568
and then hands back the baggie
to me with my phone and says,
555
00:20:25,634 --> 00:20:27,568
"Okay. You're good."
556
00:20:29,301 --> 00:20:31,534
And so I say to him,
557
00:20:31,601 --> 00:20:33,901
I'm like, "What did he say..."
558
00:20:35,268 --> 00:20:36,768
"Was in the baggie?"
559
00:20:36,834 --> 00:20:40,068
And he said, "It's his mother's ashes."
560
00:20:43,134 --> 00:20:46,034
- So, you must've been...
- I mean...
561
00:20:50,001 --> 00:20:52,734
Firstly, I've never been so relieved
562
00:20:52,801 --> 00:20:56,034
to find out I was holding human remains.
563
00:20:58,101 --> 00:21:00,334
That night, I was incredible,
564
00:21:00,401 --> 00:21:01,968
and I could rest easy,
565
00:21:02,034 --> 00:21:03,934
knowing that it all really happened.
566
00:21:04,001 --> 00:21:06,501
Nathan Fielder, everybody!
We'll be right back.
567
00:21:06,568 --> 00:21:08,434
Ab-so-lutely.
568
00:21:09,713 --> 00:21:13,859
Synced
by Bakugan
41992
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