Original subtitles

(Mary Alice) FIVE YEARS AGO,

SUSAN DELFINO GAVE BIRTH TO A SON

IN DELIVERY ROOM "A" OF FAIRVIEW MEMORIAL HOSPITAL.

MOMENTS LATER,

LILA DASH GAVE BIRTH TO A DAUGHTER

IN DELIVERY ROOM "B."

AROUND 10:00 THE NEXT MORNING,

AS THE TWO NEW MOTHERS WERE LEAVING THE HOSPITAL,

THEY NEARLY RAN INTO EACH OTHER.

OF COURSE, THEY NEVER KNEW THIS.

IN FACT,

SUSAN AND LILA WOULD HAVE BEEN SURPRISED TO KNOW

HOW OFTEN THEIR PATHS WOULD CROSS OVER THE YEARS.

THEY ALMOST MET AT THE LOCAL COFFEE SHOP...

AND ANOTHER TIME AT THEIR VETERINARIAN'S OFFICE...

AND AGAIN IN THE BLEACHERS OF THE FAIRVIEW FLYERS.

BUT DESPITE THESE CLOSE CALLS,

SUSAN AND LILA NEVER MET...

UNTIL ONE TUESDAY, WHEN SUSAN DECIDED

TO TAKE HER HUSBAND TO A FANCY RESTAURANT

FOR THEIR ANNIVERSARY...

AT THE SAME TIME, LILA DECIDED

TO TAKE HER DAUGHTER TO BUY SOME ICE CREAM.

THAT WAS THE NIGHT THAT SUSAN DELFINO

AND LILA DASH

FINALLY RAN INTO EACH OTHER.

(horn honks, tires screech)

(hissing)

(metal creaking)

(grunting)

AAH!

(grunting and gasping)

(Susan) MIKE!

IT WILL HAPPEN TO ALL OF US EVENTUALLY.

THE MOMENT WILL COME WHEN WE ASK OURSELVES...

WHERE DID THE TIME GO?

HOW DID THE CHILDREN I ONCE CRADLED...

GROW UP SO VERY QUICKLY?

HOW DID THE LIFE I DREAMT OF...

TURN INTO A CAREER I NEVER EXPECTED?

AND HOW DID THAT WOMAN I SAW EACH DAY IN THE MIRROR...

BECOME SOMEONE I DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE?

JUANITA, THIS DRESS IS AWFULLY TIGHT.

I DON'T THINK YOU CAN GET INTO IT.

NO, IT'S PRETTY. I CAN DO IT.

HOW'S THAT ONE FIT? OH, I THINK WE'RE GONNA NEED THE NEXT SIZE UP.

AHEM!

UH, THERE IS NO NEXT SIZE UP.

THEY DON'T MAKE PRINCESS DRESSES FOR GIRLS OVER 7.

SHE'S ONLY 4 1/2.

OH.

WOW.

LOOK, MY DAUGHTER WAS INVITED TO A PRINCESS PARTY,

SO I CAN'T LET HER

BE THE ONLY GIRL THERE WITHOUT A PRINCESS DRESS.

DID YOU TRY THE COSTUME SECTION?

I BET THEY'D HAVE A MRS. SHREK DRESS THAT WOULD FIT HER.

JUANITA, TAKE OFF THE DRESS! WE'RE GOING.

(Juanita) NO! I CAN DO IT.

LOOK, I FEEL FOR YOU.

MY NIECE ALSO HAS A WEIGHT PROBLEM. MY DAUGHTER DOES NOT HAVE A WEIGHT PROBLEM.

SHE HAS A LITTLE BABY FAT, THAT'S ALL.

IN FACT, THE ONLY PROBLEM SHE HAS

IS THIS STORE BEING COMPLETELY UNPREPARED

FOR A PERFECTLY AVERAGE 4-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

(fabric rips) UH-OH.

JUST RING IT UP.

(sighs) (camera shutter snaps)

(man) NO, NO, NO!

OH, FOR GOD SAKES. WHAT'S WRONG NOW?

ONCE AGAIN,

THE CONCEPT IS, SWEETIE,

YOU'RE TAKING THE PIE OUT OF THE OVEN,

YOUR FACE AGLOW WITH SURPRISE.

WHY AM I SURPRISED? BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT SO PERFECTLY.

WELL, THAT'S NO SURPRISE. MY PIES ARE ALWAYS PERFECT.

ALL RIGHT. IT'S YOUR BEST PIE EVER.

YOU'VE TOPPED YOURSELF. HMM?

MM. AND I KNOW THIS BEFORE I'VE TASTED IT?

(sighs) SWEETIE, JUST MAKE WHATEVER FACE YOU WANT.

I JUST THINK YOU'LL SELL MORE COOKBOOKS

IF YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE

YOU JUST MADE LOVE TO AN ICE CUBE.

ANDREW, DEAR, I'M GOING TO TAKE A LITTLE BREAK.

WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL THIS GENTLEMAN

THAT IF HE CALLS ME "SWEETIE" ONE MORE TIME,

I'M GONNA GRAB HIS CAMERA AND TAKE A PICTURE OF HIS COLON?

YOU GOT THAT, RIGHT?

KATHERINE, HI. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? THE WAITERS NEED TO BE PAID,

AND YOU TOOK THE KEY TO THE CASHBOX... AGAIN.

OH. SORRY. PAID FOR WHAT? THE ARMENIAN WEDDING? LUNCH FOR 300?

IT WAS RIGHT AFTER THE BREAKFAST FOR THE GARDEN CLUB,

WHICH YOU ALSO MISSED. LOOK, I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T KNOW A PHOTO SHOOT WOULD TAKE THIS LONG.

I MEAN, WHO KNEW IT'D BE THIS HARD TO POSE FOR A BOOK COVER?

OH, YOU'LL BE FINE.

IF THERE'S ONE THING YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT,

IT'S POSING AS A CHEF. OKAY, KATHERINE.

I KNOW THIS BOOK HAS BEEN MONOPOLIZING MY TIME,

AND YOU FEEL OVERWORKED AND UNDERVALUED.

BUT I DO APPRECIATE YOU. IN FACT, I HAVE A GIFT FOR YOU.

IT'S THE GALLEYS OF MY NEW BOOK.

READ PAGE 2.

"FOR KATHERINE MAYFAIR--

"A WONDERFUL COOK

AND AN EVEN BETTER FRIEND."

YOU DEDICATED IT TO ME?

WELL, YOU MAKE THIS ALL POSSIBLE.

(chuckles) IT'S THE LEAST I COULD DO.

AHEM! EXCUSE ME.

TIME IS MONEY. CHOP-CHOP, SWEETIE.

ANDREW... DO WE HAVE A BACKUP PIE?

YES. YES, WE DO.

GOOD.

(horn honking in distance)

(indistinct conversations)

(laughter)

AND THE BIG BLIND...

CATCHES A JACK ON THE RIVER.

PRESTON?

MOM!

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE? DON'T FREAK OUT.

WE'RE JUST PLAYING CARDS. OH, YEAH? WHY DIDN'T YOU PLAY AT HOME?

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SNEAK IN HERE?

TEQUILA SHOTS! 5 BUCKS!

(all cheering)

AH.

ASKED AND ANSWERED.

OKAY, THAT'S IT! EVERYBODY OUT. GAME'S OVER.

CAN I HAVE YOUR CHAIR FOR A SECOND?

HEY! LOOK UP HERE! MOM'S HERE. PARTY'S OVER.

DOOR'S OPEN. OUT YOU GO. GO ON. SHOO!

(Lynette) WOW.

YOU GUYS HAVE PULLED A LOT OF STUPID STUNTS.

BUT THIS?

THIS?

RISKING OUR LIQUOR LICENSE, OUR LIVELIHOOD?

WHO'S GOING TO FIND OUT?

I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN RUNNING THIS GAME FOR A MONTH, AND NOBODY--

UNBELIEVABLE. YOU GUYS ARE GROUNDED FOR TWO WEEKS.

BUT WE HAVE HOMECOMING.

YEAH, YEAH! KEEP COMPLAINING. I'D LOVE TO MAKE IT A YEAR.

NOW CLEAN THIS PLACE UP. NOW!

(panting)

OH.

OH.

WOW. THAT WAS FANTASTIC.

AMAZING.

(giggles)

WHEW. YOU WERE INCREDIBLE.

SO WERE YOU. (chuckles)

OH. AND... (grunts and sighs)

TIME TO GO.

(panting)

WHEW.

SUSAN?

(grunts) SO IT'S BEEN, WHAT, FOUR MONTHS?

ARE YOU EVER GONNA LET ME SPEND THE NIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW. COME ON, ZIPPY, ZIPPY.

OKAY. IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW...

(zips up pants) GIRLS USUALLY BEG ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT.

WELL, GOOD, THEN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE ANY PROBLEM

FINDING A PLACE TO SLEEP. FINE. I KNOW THE DRILL.

I CAN'T SPEND THE NIGHT. I CAN'T MEET YOUR FRIENDS.

I CAN'T MEET YOUR SON. I'M JUST WONDERING--

IS THIS EVER GONNA TURN INTO SOMETHING NORMAL? YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A GUY,

AND WE JUST HAD HOT SEX,

AND I DIDN'T FORCE YOU TO CUDDLE.

SO RUN! GO! BRAG TO YOUR FRIENDS.

LOOK...

I LIKE YOU, AND I KNOW YOU LIKE ME.

SO WHY CAN'T WE BE A COUPLE?

'CAUSE I'M... NOT READY FOR THAT.

AND WHAT WE'VE GOT-- THAT'S ALL I CAN HANDLE.

(light slap) GO.

OKAY, BUT THAT'S ONLY GONNA WORK, LIKE,

500 OR 600 MORE TIMES.

(giggles)

(man) GOOD EVENING. CAN I HELP YOU?

WRONG QUESTION. THE QUESTION IS, CAN I HELP YOU?

LOOK, IF YOU'RE TRYING TO SELL ME SOMETHING,

I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.

YOU DO NOW.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'M HERE TO BUY YOU OUT OF YOUR LEASE.

WHAT?

I KNOW. IT'S SUDDEN.

BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THIS HOUSE THAT...

WELL, IT JUST FEELS LIKE HOME TO ME.

SO I'D LIKE TO MOVE IN... TONIGHT.

TONIGHT? ARE YOU CRAZY?

A LITTLE BIT.

OKAY, HERE.

I WILL MORE THAN COVER YOUR MOVING EXPENSES.

LOOK, UH... I-I'M ALL SET UP HERE.

BESIDES, MY LANDLADY WOULD NEVER ALLOW IT.

WHY DON'T YOU LET ME WORRY ABOUT HER?

MM, NO. I-I DON'T HAVE ANYWHERE ELSE TO GO.

I THINK YOU SHOULD LEAVE.

LOOK, RAYMOND...

HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?

I MADE YOU A VERY GENEROUS OFFER,

AND I JUST KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION.

FIVE.

FIVE WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

FOUR.

ARE YOU-- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THREE. O-OKAY. HANG ON FOR A SECOND.

TWO.

WELL, RAYMOND, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HERE YOU GO. TAKE CARE.

ALL TAKEN CARE OF... MRS. WILLIAMS.

THANK YOU... MR. WILLIAMS.

THE NEXT MORNING,

EDIE BRITT DECIDED TO ANNOUNCE HER RETURN TO WISTERIA LANE

IN A WAY... THAT WAS GUARANTEED...

TO MAKE A BIG SPLASH.

(bottles clink)

(dials cell phone)

OKAY, YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS, BUT...

(singsong voice) SHE'S BACK.

EDIE? IS THAT REALLY YOU?

YOU KNOW SOMEONE ELSE MY AGE WITH A BODY LIKE THIS?

SO YOU'RE BACK?

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR TENANT?

HE, UH, CAME INTO SOME MONEY AND DECIDED TO MOVE.

WE THOUGHT, WHAT THE HECK? LET'S MOVE BACK!

"WE"?

OH, YOU DON'T KNOW. I HAVE A HUSBAND NOW.

REALLY? WHOSE?

SO I'M IN VEGAS TALKING TO THIS REAL ESTATE CONVENTION.

I DO A LITTLE MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKING.

AND THERE-- SIXTH ROW, CENTER AISLE,

IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I HAVE EVER SEEN.

(Edie chuckles) SO AFTER I FINISH,

I WALK INTO THE AUDIENCE AND I ASK THIS GODDESS OUT.

HIS SEMINAR WAS CALLED "GETTING WHAT YOU WANT,"

AND HE DID...

THREE TIMES. HMM. BEFORE DINNER.

(Lynette and Edie chuckle) WELL, IT'S CERTAINLY NICE TO MEET YOU, DAVE,

AND LET US BE THE FIRST TO WELCOME YOU TO WISTERIA LANE.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? WE SHOULD HAVE A DINNER OR SOMETHING.

OH, LET'S MAKE IT A PARTY. WE COULD DO IT AT MY RESTAURANT. WE'D BE HONORED.

THANK YOU.

SO, GABY, I HAVE TO ASK.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU? I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU.

YOUR--YOUR CLOTHES, YOUR--YOUR HAIR.

(laughs) CARLOS MIGHT BE BLIND, BUT THE REST OF US AREN'T. I HAD TWO CHILDREN.

FOR WHAT? BREAKFAST?

EDIE? ON YOUR FIRST DAY BACK IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M SORRY, GABY.

IT WAS RUDE AND INSENSITIVE, AND IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

REALLY?

OKAY.

NOW SHOULDN'T WE OFFER YOUR FRIENDS SOMETHING TO EAT?

OOH! I BAKED SOME MUFFINS.

PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT...

WE LOVE YOU.

(chuckles)

MIJITA! LUNCH IS READY. GO GET YOUR SISTER.

♪♪♪

CARLOS, WHAT'S WITH ALL THE CHEESE?

YOU KNOW HOW JUANITA FEELS ABOUT BRUSSELS SPROUTS.

I'M JUST TRYING TO MAKE VEGETABLES MORE FUN. WELL, NEXT TIME,

GIVE HER A CARROT AND PUT HER ON A ROLLER COASTER.

HAVE YOU TRIED TO LIFT HER LATELY? I KNOW SHE'S GOTTEN CHUBBY. SHE'LL GROW OUT OF IT.

HA! WE CAN ONLY HOPE

WITH YOUR D.N.A. RUNNING THROUGH HER VEINS. HEY, I DO NOT HAVE FAT D.N.A.

OH, DON'T MAKE ME PULL OUT THE SOLIS FAMILY PHOTO ALBUM.

IT'S LIKE A BUNCH OF SEA LIONS POSING ON A ROCK.

WELL, I'M SORRY MY RELATIVES DON'T MEASURE UP TO

THE GROUP OF STICK-THIN DRUNKS THAT YOU COME FROM.

ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT OUR DAUGHTER HAS A WEIGHT PROBLEM,

AND THE SOONER WE ADMIT IT, THE BETTER. SHE'S ONLY 4.

BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU WANT HER TO DEVELOP A WEIGHT PROBLEM?

GO AHEAD. NAG, CRITICIZE, MAKE HER FEEL SELF-CONSCIOUS.

SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

AND OBVIOUSLY I AM NOT GETTING THROUGH TO THE TWINS,

BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT I SAY, THEY KEEP PULLING THIS CRAP,

AND I AM SICK OF IT. HONEY, COULD YOU...

SORRY.

YEAH. (chuckles) SO YOU-- YOU WANT ME TO TALK TO THEM?

YOU HAVE TO. I AM TIRED OF BEING THE BAD COP.

YOU WALK THE BEAT FOR A WHILE. FINE. YOU KNOW, BOYS THIS AGE,

THEY'RE MORE LIKELY TO LISTEN TO THEIR DADS ANYWAY.

I-I CAN HANDLE THIS.

I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

HONEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I'D APPRECIATE? COULD YOU...

SORRY.

(laughter)

(Porter) SO KIRBY HAS ACES IN THE HOLE... (Tom) YEAH.

WHICH MEANS THAT BOBBY

WILL HAVE TO WEAR A DRESS TO SCHOOL ON MONDAY. OH! OH, MY! OKAY.

(laughs) YOU'VE GOT TO GET A PICTURE OF THAT!

TOM? CAN I TALK TO YOU A SEC?

YEAH.

DON'T YOU THINK

YOU WERE KIND OF SENDING THE WRONG MESSAGE IN THERE?

I KNOW WE DON'T APPROVE OF WHAT THEY DID,

BUT YOU--YOU GOTTA ADMIT.

COME ON. STARTING THEIR OWN CASINO IS KIND OF CREATIVE.

YEAH? "CREATIVE" LIKE SELLING FAKE I.D.s WAS CREATIVE.

AND HOT-WIRING McCLUSKEY'S CAR-- THAT WAS A WORK OF ART.

HONEY, HONEY, THIS IS NOTHING LIKE THAT.

I MEAN, LOOK, THE WHOLE SCHOOL

IS TALKING ABOUT THEIR CARD GAME.

DO YOU REALIZE IT WAS, LIKE,

THE PLACE TO BE ON A MONDAY NIGHT?

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT?

YOU THINK THEY'RE COOL.

WELL... YEAH.

NO, I MEAN YOU THINK THEY'RE COOL

IN THAT YOU WANNA BE THEM. OH, PLEASE.

YOU DO! THIS IS TOM, FORMER HIGH SCHOOL NERD,

LIVING VICARIOUSLY THROUGH HIS AWESOME-ASS KIDS.

HEY, I WAS PLENTY COOL IN HIGH SCHOOL.

ARE WE REDEFINING "COOL"

TO INCLUDE PLAYING TROMBONE IN THE MARCHING BAND?

(chuckles) HEY, HEY.

YOU'RE OVERREACTING.

YOU'RE A LITTLE HIGH-SPIRITED, BUT I TRUST THEM.

SO I'VE DECIDED TO UNGROUND THEM FOR THE HOMECOMING DANCE.

BUT I TOLD THEM THEY COULDN'T GO.

AND YOU TOLD ME TO HANDLE IT, AND I JUST DID.

OH, BY THE WAY, IT WASN'T A TROMBONE.

IT WAS A TUBA.

KNOW YOUR BRASS.

(girl) MOM! MOM! WHERE ARE YOU?

(woman) RIGHT HERE, HONEY!

(girls shouting and laughing)

JUANITA!

YOU SAID I COULD HAVE CAKE.

I KNOW, BUT SO MUCH?

YOU COULD'VE GONE BACK FOR A SECOND PIECE.

(mouth full) THIS IS MY SECOND PIECE.

(women laugh)

(woman) AND IT'S NOT JUANITA'S FAULT.

IN THIS KIND OF SITUATION, I BLAME THE PARENTS.

(woman) LOOK, MY KID WOULD EAT SUGAR ALL DAY LONG IF I LET HER.

GABY'S OBVIOUSLY ONE OF THOSE MOMS WHO JUST CAN'T SAY NO.

IT'S A SHAME, TOO. JUANITA HAS SUCH A PRETTY FACE.

MM.

I'M BACK.

YOU WANT SOMETHING COLD?

WELL, ACTUALLY,

I'M IN THE MOOD FOR SOMETHING HOT.

YOU KNOW...

THIS IS WHY IT'S TAKING FOUR MONTHS

TO GET MY HOUSE PAINTED.

HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD THAT EXPRESSION,

"YOU CAN HAVE IT DONE FAST, OR YOU CAN HAVE IT DONE RIGHT"?

I THINK I'LL HAVE IT DONE RIGHT NOW. (laughs)

(knock on door) (Lynette) HEY, SUSAN?

MM. UH, LYNETTE, IT'S NOT REALLY A GOOD TIME.

I JUST NEED FIVE SECONDS TO BITCH ABOUT TOM,

AND THEN I'LL-- OH, MY GOD. (sighs)

YOUR PAINTER ISN'T DONE YET?

UH...

YEAH. HE--HE'S HARD TO KEEP TRACK OF.

WELL, ANYWAY, TOM REFUSES TO ACKNOWLEDGE

THAT THE TWINS ARE TURNING INTO JUVENILE DELINQUENTS.

JUST THE OTHER DAY, I WAS-- OH, YOU POOR THING! YOU NEED A HUG.

UH...

(sighs)

HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

(leaves rustling)

(camera shutter snaps)

SORRY TO HAVE BARGED IN,

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME GET THAT OFF MY CHEST.

HEY, ANYTIME THAT YOU NEED TO TALK, YOU JUST RING MY BELL...

(chuckles) AND WAIT.

OKAY, NEW RULE.

FROM NOW ON, SEX ONLY HAPPENS IN THE BEDROOM, DOOR CLOSED,

BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 7:00 AND 10:00 P.M. YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'D BE A HELL OF A LOT EASIER FOR ME TO FOLLOW THE RULES

IF I KNEW WHY THEY EXISTED. I JUST DON'T WANT MY FRIENDS TO KNOW.

WHY? YOU--YOU ASHAMED OF ME?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

IT'S JUST... COMPLICATED.

I'M JUST A SIMPLE GUY,

SO I CAN'T BE YOUR DIRTY LITTLE SECRET.

I NEED MORE FROM YOU.

I'M SORRY. I CAN'T GIVE THAT TO YOU.

HONEY, I KNOW YOU WANNA GO HOME AND WATCH YOUR CARTOONS,

BUT YOU HAD A LOT OF CAKE,

SO I WAS THINKING I'D TAKE YOU TO THE PARK.

THAT WAY, YOU COULD RUN AROUND AND GET SOME NICE, FUN EXERCISE.

NO.

YOU SURE?

RUNNING AROUND IN THE SUN AND FRESH AIR

WOULD MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD.

MM... NO.

(sighs) OKAY.

WHY DON'T YOU GO THROW THAT IN THE TRASH?

AND I'M GONNA GET THE CAR STARTED.

(girls laughing, rapid footsteps approaching)

HEY, JUANITA.

YOU WANNA PLAY A NEW GAME ON THE WAY HOME?

(singsong voice) WINNER GETS A NEW DOLL. OKAY.

WELL, COME ON, THEN!

HEY!

MOMMY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

IT'S A NEW GAME I INVENTED, AND YOU'RE WINNING 1 TO NOTHING!

(engine revs)

(gasps)

KATHERINE! FANTASTIC NEWS.

"WHAT'S COOKIN' FAIRVIEW?"

IS SENDING OUT A CAMERA CREW TOMORROW

TO DO A PIECE ON ME AND THE BOOK. OH, WHICH I JUST FINISHED THIS MORNING.

YOU READ IT ALREADY? YES. I COULDN'T PUT IT DOWN.

(thud) BUT I HAVE TO TELL YOU, AT LEAST A DOZEN RECIPES

ARE MISSING A PRETTY CRUCIAL INGREDIENT.

REALLY?

WHAT?

MY NAME.

EXCUSE ME? BREE, YOUR BOOK IS FILLED WITH RECIPES

THAT WE DEVELOPED TOGETHER,

AND--AND SOME OF THEM ARE FLAT-OUT MINE. OH, DON'T BE SILLY.

I MAY HAVE BASED A FEW ON YOUR RECIPES,

BUT I ALWAYS CHANGED SOMETHING.

LIKE WHAT? THE FONT?

NAME ONE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THIS MEATLOAF RECIPE AND MINE.

WELL, YOURS CALLS FOR MINCED CURLY LEAF PARSLEY.

MINE CALLS FOR MINCED FLAT LEAF.

IT'S MINCED! WHO CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE?

BREE, YOU HAVE RECIPES IN HERE YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE.

NEVER HEARD ANYTHING SO ABSURD.

THE CROQUEMBOUCHE CAKE WITH THE SPUN SUGAR NETTING?

I'VE NEVER ONCE SEEN YOU WORK WITH MOLTEN SUGAR.

I ALWAYS MAKE THAT CAKE. REALLY, KATHERINE.

JUST BECAUSE I LET YOU EXECUTE A FEW EYE-CATCHING GARNISHES

THAT GRATIFY YOUR NEED TO SHOW OFF,

DOESN'T MEAN THAT I CAN'T DO THEM JUST AS WELL MYSELF.

YOU LET ME?

(thud)

I THOUGHT WE WERE PARTNERS.

WE ARE.

THAT'S WHY YOUR NAME IS ON THE DEDICATION PAGE.

YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT THE DEDICATION, BREE.

IT REALLY WAS THE LEAST YOU COULD DO.

(door shuts)

WOW!

18 TO ZERO!

2 MORE POINTS, AND YOU'LL BREAK THE RECORD.

MOMMY, I'M TIRED! (engine revving)

REALLY?

WELL, I THOUGHT RUNNING THROUGH THAT GUY'S SPRINKLER

WOULD'VE REFRESHED YOU. NOW COME ON!

NO.

(engine revs) (singsong voice) UH-OH.

LOOKS LIKE MOMMY'S GONNA SCORE HER FIRST 2 POINTS.

COME ON, JUANITA.

SHOW MOMMY WHAT A WINNER YOU ARE.

JUANITA!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

JUANITA, STOP!

JUANITA! JUANITA!

AND WHILE I THOUGHT

GROUNDING YOU WAS AN APPROPRIATE PUNISHMENT,

YOUR DAD CONVINCED ME

I WAS BEING A LITTLE TOO HARD ON YOU GUYS. ABSOLUTELY.

AND SO WE HAVE DECIDED

TO LET YOU GO TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE TONIGHT...

THAT'S RIGHT! (laughs)

IN YOUR FATHER'S CONVERTIBLE.

UM, UM, H-H-HOLD ON. WHAT? WH--

COME ON, TOM. I MEAN, WE TRUST THEM, RIGHT?

YES, YES.

I-I WOULD TRUST THEM MORE IF THEY WERE DRIVING YOUR CAR. NO! YOU DON'T WANT

TWO COOL KIDS PULLING UP TO HOMECOMING IN A MOM CAR,

ESPECIALLY WITH THAT BIG DENT THEY PUT IN IT LAST MONTH.

HERE YOU GO.

(Preston) DUDE! THANKS! THANKS!

DON'T THANK ME. THANK YOUR FATHER. (Preston) THANKS, DAD!

(Porter) YOU ROCK! UH, YOU--WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! HERE--SOME GROUND RULES.

N-NO MUDDY SHOES ON MY FLOOR MATS. NO--

TOM, RELAX!

YOU HIGH-SPIRITED KIDS DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO HAVE FUN.

HEY! (laughs) (laughs)

WHOO! I'M DRIVING IT, MAN.

(man) AND IN THREE, TWO, ONE.

WELCOME BACK TO "WHAT'S COOKIN' FAIRVIEW?"

WE'RE TALKING WITH BREE VAN DE KAMP,

FAIRVIEW'S PREMIER CATERER,

WHO'S ABOUT TO PUBLISH HER VERY FIRST COOKBOOK.

(man) BREE, COULD YOU SHOW US INSIDE?

THIS IS MY KITCHEN,

AND THIS IS MY STAFF--

THE MOST GIFTED, HARDWORKING TEAM

A COOK COULD EVER HAVE HOPED FOR.

I CANNOT SAY ENOUGH GOOD THINGS ABOUT THEM.

SO WHICH ONE OF YOU HAS WORKED WITH BREE THE LONGEST?

THAT WOULD BE ME.

SO TELL ME, WHAT'S IT REALLY LIKE WORKING WITH BREE?

(sighs)

IT'S INSPIRING.

(sighs and chuckles)

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING SHE CAN'T DO.

KATHERINE, I'M BLUSHING.

WORKING WITH HER HAS BEEN...

SUCH AN EDUCATION

THAT I--AAH!

AH! (inhales sharply) OH, GOD. ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I THINK I STRAINED MY WRIST. GOD, IT HURTS.

OH, YOU POOR DEAR. COULD SOMEONE PLEASE GET SOME ICE? OH, NO.

OH, AND I WAS JUST ABOUT TO PUT THE SPUN SUGAR NETTING

ON OUR FAMOUS CROQUEMBOUCHE.

WOULD YOU MIND DOING IT?

(chuckles nervously) KATHERINE,

I'M SURE YOUR WRIST IS JUST FINE.

NO, IT'S REALLY THROBBING.

OKAY, IT LOOKS LIKE BREE TO THE RESCUE.

BE SURE YOU GET THIS.

REALLY SOMETHING TO SEE.

THE SECRET TO SPINNING SUGAR

IS THIS SPECIAL WHISK

THAT MAKES LOVELY GOSSAMER THREADS.

CAREFUL, DEAR.

YOU'RE CLUMPING. I CAN SEE THAT.

AAH! (man) WHOA!

(gasps)

THAT STUFF'S HOT!

SORRY.

(laughs)

OOPS! (laughs nervously)

(sighs)

SO THAT'S YOUR IDEA OF EXERCISE? HAVING HER RUN AFTER A CAR?

CARLOS, OUR DAUGHTER SUCKED DOWN HALF A SHEET CAKE,

AND AFTERWARDS, NO ONE COULD FIND THE CANDLES.

WAKE UP! WE HAVE GOT A PROBLEM!

I JUST DON'T THINK THE SOLUTION IS TO HUMILIATE HER.

NOW EVEN IF SHE'S... HEAVY,

DOESN'T SHE HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT HERSELF?

HEY, I'M PROTECTING HER. SHE DOESN'T KNOW THE TRUTH YET.

WOMEN ONLY HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO BE YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL,

AND THEN IT'S GONE. (sighs)

AND THEN BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, WE'RE OLD AND FAT AND MARRIED

AND WONDERING WHERE OUR BEAUTY WENT.

(sighs) GABY...

(voice breaks) NO, CARLOS. I MEAN...

SOMETIMES I'M GLAD YOU CAN'T SEE ME.

FIVE YEARS AND TWO KIDS

AND NO TIME FOR FACIALS OR THE GYM.

IT JUST... TAKES A TOLL.

(sighs)

AND WHEN EDIE SAW ME THE OTHER DAY,

IT WAS LIKE SHE DIDN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE ME.

LISTEN TO ME.

NOBODY KNOWS YOUR FACE BETTER THAN I DO. (sniffles)

AND I SEE IT EVERY TIME I KISS YOU.

IN 5 YEARS OR 50,

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE BEAUTIFUL.

HEAR ME?

AND NOW TO FINISH,

YOU SIMPLY TRANSFER YOUR SPUN SUGAR

TO THE CROQUEMBOUCHE

AND GRACEFULLY DRAPE IT AROUND

IN A DELICATE SWIRL.

OH. (chuckles)

DID I MENTION THAT YOU... (scoffs)

PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE WEARING JEWELRY

WHILE WORKING WITH SPUN SUGAR? UM...

WELL, THERE'S NO LAW THAT SAYS IT HAS TO BE A DELICATE VEIL.

I MEAN, IT COULD REALLY JUST BE A BEAUTIFUL, UM,

LITTLE, UH, WHITE...

RIBBON.

TURN OFF THE DAMN CAMERA.

AH, ACTUALLY, MY WRIST IS FEELING A LITTLE BETTER.

WHY DON'T I GIVE IT A SHOT?

(beeps)

WHATCHA DOING?

OKAY, WHERE ARE THEY? IT'S 30 MINUTES PAST CURFEW.

ACTUALLY, IT'S 32.

IF THERE IS A SINGLE SCRATCH ON THAT CAR--

I MEAN, AFTER ALL THE TIME THAT I SPENT RESTORING THAT THING...

YEAH. REMEMBER WHEN YOU SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY ON THE INTERNET

TRYING TO FIND A NEW GEARSHIFT KNOB?

WORST ANNIVERSARY EVER.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU DID THIS TO ME.

I KNOW.

THAT CAR IS YOUR BABY.

IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMETHING I FELT THAT INTENSELY ABOUT.

OH, WAIT! THERE IS-- MY ACTUAL BABIES.

YOU THINK I DON'T CARE ABOUT OUR BOYS?

I KNOW YOU LOVE THEM,

BUT SOMETIMES YOU FIND THEM SO COOL AND ENTERTAINING,

YOU FORGET TO PARENT THEM.

LYNETTE-- NO, LISTEN.

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE AND THEY'D ACT OUT,

AND WE'D ALWAYS SAY, "RELAX! THEY'RE YOUNG.

WHEN THEY'RE OLDER, THEY'LL GET IT."

WELL, TOM, THEY'RE 16 NOW.

NOT GETTING IT.

WE HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO IN A VERY SHORT TIME,

AND IF YOU AND I AREN'T IN SYNC,

I'M AFRAID IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

(car approaching)

(brakes squeal)

(boys laughing)

(engine shuts off, doors open)

HEY, SORRY WE'RE LATE. YEAH. BUT, DAD, YOU HAVE TO HEAR THIS STORY.

WE JUST PULLED UP AT AN INTERSECTION,

AND THERE WERE THESE TWO HOT GIRLS-- I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

YOU EVER HEAR OF A THING CALLED A CELL PHONE?

WE'RE ONLY, LIKE, 35 MINUTES LATE.

YEAH, 35 MINUTES, DURING WHICH TIME

YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE BEEN WORRIED SICK.

BUT, DAD--

YOU BROKE THE RULES. THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES.

YOU'RE BOTH GROUNDED FOR A MONTH.

THIS SUCKS! YOU'RE ONLY DOING THIS

'CAUSE YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR PRECIOUS CAR.

YOU THINK? GET OUT OF THE WAY.

(gasps)

ANY OTHER OPINIONS YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE?

(sighs)

THANK YOU.

BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO...

THAT MIRROR WAS SCRATCHED.

I ALREADY ORDERED A NEW ONE.

♪ YOU KNOW THE DAY DESTROYS THE NIGHT ♪

♪ NIGHT DIVIDES THE DAY ♪

♪ TRY TO RUN... ♪

(gasps) MRS. McCLUSKEY! YOU'RE STILL ALIVE!

OH, IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU, TOO, EDIE.

(chuckles) THIS IS MY HUSBAND, DAVE WILLIAMS.

SO HOW DID YOU TWO MEET?

YOU RUN A FREE CLINIC OR SOMETHING?

(laughs) I'M SORRY. WHO ARE YOU? KAREN McCLUSKEY,

EDIE'S BEST FRIEND ON THE STREET.

WELL, IT'S A REAL PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

OH.

♪ BREAK ON THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE ♪

(lowered voice) WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

UM, I JUST NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

NOT HERE. GO HOME. I'LL CALL YOU.

WHEN?

I DON'T KNOW. LATER. JUST GO.

(Orson) ♪ YEAH! YEAH! ♪ (cheers and applause)

(woman) YEAH! WHOO!

I HAVE TO SAY, LADIES,

THIS IS QUITE A SHINDIG.

OH, I'M GLAD YOU'RE ENJOYING YOURSELF.

YEAH, I MEAN, THERE'S REALLY NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE

WHO GO TO THIS MUCH TROUBLE TO SAY THEY'RE SORRY. EXCUSE ME?

WELL, THE PARTY. IT'S JUST A BEAUTIFUL WAY TO APOLOGIZE.

EDIE, THIS IS NOT A "WE'RE SORRY" PARTY.

THIS IS A "WE FORGIVE YOU" PARTY.

YOU FORGIVE ME?

WELL, I THINK WHAT GABY MEANS IS

YOU WERE FAIRLY AWFUL TO US RIGHT BEFORE YOU LEFT,

AND THIS IS OUR WAY OF WELCOMING YOU BACK

TO HOPEFULLY NOT DO IT AGAIN.

(chuckles) YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.

YOU FROZE ME OUT.

YOU THREATENED TO RUIN MY BUSINESS,

AND YOU RAN ME OUT OF TOWN.

NOW IT'S TAKEN ME FIVE YEARS TO STOP HATING YOU.

GREAT PARTY, LADIES. (glasses clink)

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NOW... MIND IF I STEAL MY WIFE?

SWEETHEART?

(Ramones' "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend" playing)

(indistinct conversations)

♪ HEY, LITTLE GIRL ♪

ISN'T THAT YOUR PAINTER?

♪ I WANNA BE YOUR BOYFRIEND ♪

IS IT? I CAN'T TELL.

♪ SWEET LITTLE GIRL ♪

♪ I WANNA BE YOUR BOYFRIEND ♪

♪♪♪

♪ DO YOU LOVE ME, BABE? ♪

OOH! EXCUSE ME. IT'S OKAY.

♪ WHAT DO YOU SAY? ♪

♪ DO YOU LOVE ME, BABE? ♪

♪ WHAT CAN I SAY? ♪

(electricity powers down)

(all moan) (woman) DIDN'T THEY PAY THE BILL?

ALL RIGHT. CALM DOWN. I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

(whispers) YOU, COME WITH ME.

(sighs)

WHY WOULD YOU HUMILIATE ME IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS?

ARE YOU A LUNATIC?

I-I'M JUST TRYING TO GET THROUGH TO YOU. (scoffs)

AND, YEAH, IT'S MAKING ME KINDA CRAZY.

SUSAN... WHY CAN'T I MEET YOUR FRIENDS?

I MEAN, AM I REALLY THAT HORRIBLE?

NO, OF COURSE NOT. MY FRIENDS WOULD LOVE YOU.

THEN WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

THE PROBLEM IS,

IF YOU MEET MY FRIENDS, THEN WE'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP,

AND I CAN'T BE IN A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW.

BUT I-I PROMISE, I'LL MAKE YOU VERY HAPPY.

WELL, MAYBE I DON'T DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

(both sigh)

UM...

A FEW YEARS AGO...

THERE WAS THIS CAR ACCIDENT...

A BAD ONE.

TAKE THE HIGH ROAD?

DID YOU HEAR WHAT THOSE SMUG BITCHES SAID TO ME?

EDIE, IT'S IMPORTANT THESE PEOPLE LIKE US.

IT'S OUR HOME NOW.

I NEVER SHOULD'VE LET YOU TALK ME INTO MOVING BACK HERE.

WHY? WHY WERE YOU SO GUNG HO ON WISTERIA LANE?

LISTEN TO YOUR HUSBAND. WE CAN BE HAPPY HERE,

BUT WE NEED THESE PEOPLE TO LIKE US.

WHY?

IT'LL JUST MAKE EVERYTHING EASIER.

THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

SUSAN, YOU CAN'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT, JACKSON? YOU'RE NOT GONNA SAY ANYTHING

I HAVEN'T ALREADY HEARD A MILLION TIMES.

I-I ONLY TOLD YOU BECAUSE I...

I JUST WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND

WHY I CAN'T LET YOU IN MY LIFE.

WELL... (sighs)

DO YOU MIND IF I HANG OUT FOR THE NEXT FEW MONTHS

AND SEE IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND?

YEAH, I GUESS I COULD HANDLE THAT.

(cheers and applause)

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU...

GO HAVE FUN WITH YOUR FRIENDS?

AND JUST CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE FREE.

OKAY.

(liquid bubbling)

(voice breaks) PLEASE, DANIELLE. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TAKE HIM.

I HAVE EVERY RIGHT. HE'S MY KID.

DANIELLE, WE AGREED I WOULD RAISE HIM.

WE AGREED IT WOULD BE BEST!

YOU SAID IT WOULD BE BEST! I'VE HAD NO SAY IN ANYTHING!

BUT I AM MARRIED NOW, AND LEO'S A LAWYER.

SO DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND DON'T TRY TO FIGHT THIS!

PLEASE, DANIELLE, WE CAN HAVE ANY ARRANGEMENT YOU LIKE.

PLEASE, JUST DON'T TAKE HIM!

FOR GOD SAKES, ORSON'S GONE.

YOU KIDS ARE GROWN. BENJAMIN'S ALL I HAVE!

YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING ELSE.

HONEY, COME TO BED. IT'S AFTER 2:00.

(closes drawer)

THE COOKING SHOW AGREED TO REDO MY SEGMENT.

I WANNA MAKE SURE IT'S PERFECT THIS TIME.

WELL, I WON'T TELL YOU HOW TO RUN YOUR BUSINESS.

IT'S YOUR BABY.

(sighs) YES, IT IS.

(horn honks, tires screech)

(loud crash)

(speaks inaudibly)

HEY. UM, M.J. READY?

YEAH, HE'S UPSTAIRS WAITING FOR YOU.

I TOLD YOU THE BRAKES WERE SQUEAKING.

I ASKED YOU TO GET THEM CHECKED. AND I CHECKED 'EM!

I MEANT A MECHANIC... (scoffs)

NOT YOU. IT WAS NOT THE BRAKES, SUSAN.

IF IT HAD BEEN, IT WOULDN'T HAVE MATTERED.

THEY CRASHED INTO US! AND WE KILLED THEM, MIKE!

WE DIDN'T KILL THEM! THEY DIED.

THEY WERE A MOTHER AND A CHILD.

SHE WAS A MOTHER, JUST LIKE ME...

(voice breaks) WITH A CHILD JUST LIKE OURS.

AND IF IT WEREN'T FOR US, THEY WOULD STILL BE ALIVE.

YEAH, WE HAVE BEEN OVER AND OVER THIS, SUSAN.

IT'S--IT'S LIKE YOU WANT TO SUFFER. IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T CARE AT ALL,

LIKE YOU FEEL NOTHING FOR THOSE PEOPLE.

I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN! I JUST CAN'T!

(door slams)

HEY. DID YOU PACK YOUR DINOSAUR BOOK

SO YOU CAN READ IT WITH YOUR DADDY? SURE DID.

OH, GOOD. MMM.

OKAY, YOU HAVE FUN, SWEETIE.

SO, UM, I'LL PROBABLY BRING HIM BACK SUNDAY AROUND 6:00 OR SO.

FINE.

WELL, HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND. DOING ANYTHING SPECIAL?

WELL, I'VE SORT OF STARTED SEEING SOMEONE.

SO I MIGHT DO SOMETHING WITH HIM.

GOOD FOR YOU.

(whispers) YEAH.

IT GOES BY SO QUICKLY.

IN A FLASH,

THE LIFE WE KNEW IS GONE FOREVER.

AND WE'RE LEFT TO ASK OURSELVES...

HOW COULD HE HAVE LEFT ME?

WHEN DID MY BEAUTY START TO FADE?

WHY HAS MY FRIEND CHANGED?

WAS I THE BEST MOTHER I COULD HAVE BEEN?

OF COURSE, THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE

WHO UNDERSTAND HOW QUICKLY TIME PASSES.

(cell phone ringing)

THAT'S WHY THEY'RE SO DETERMINED

TO GET WHAT THEY WANT

BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

(cell phone beeps)

OH, DR. HELLER. I'VE BEEN MEANING TO CALL YOU.

YEAH, I WAS GETTING CONCERNED.

YOU'RE REQUIRED TO CHECK IN ONCE A MONTH.

IT WAS A CONDITION OF YOUR RELEASE.

OH, COME ON. THAT WAS A YEAR AGO.

BUT TO BE HONEST, THE MEDS ARE WORKING SO WELL,

I KINDA FORGOT ABOUT YOU. NO OFFENSE.

DAVE, ONCE A MONTH. NOT OPTIONAL.

MESSAGE RECEIVED, DOC.

BUT SERIOUSLY, YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT ME. I'M GREAT.

I'LL TALK TO YOU IN A MONTH. (shuts cell phone)

(click) JUST TELL ME.

WHAT ARE THE MAGIC WORDS THAT I'VE GOTTA SAY

SO YOU WILL LET ME OUT OF HERE? (Dr. Heller) DAVE, YOU'VE BEEN HERE SIX WEEKS,

AND YOU DON'T SEEM ANY CLOSER

TO COMING TO TERMS WITH YOUR RAGE. I'VE COME TO TERMS WITH IT,

AND I LIKE IT JUST THE WAY IT IS.

THE CHARGES WERE DROPPED BECAUSE YOU AGREED

TO PUT YOURSELF IN A DOCTOR'S CARE.

I'M NOT GOING TO AUTHORIZE YOUR RELEASE

UNTIL I SEE SOME REAL PROGRESS.

WH-WHAT'S PROGRESS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE TO YOU, DOC?

I MEAN, SHOULD I JUST PLASTER SOME FAKE SMILE ON MY FACE

AND PRETEND THIS--THIS THING THAT'S INSIDE ME

ISN'T EATIN' ME ALIVE?

'CAUSE I CAN DO THAT IF YOU WANT. I NEED TO MAKE SURE

YOU'RE NOT A DANGER TO YOURSELF OR TO OTHERS.

LISTEN, I'VE NEVER BEEN A DANGER TO MYSELF.

AND AS FAR AS THE OTHERS ARE CONCERNED,

THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON WHO SHOULD BE WORRIED.