All language subtitles for Desperate.Housewives.S05E01.1080p.WEB-DL.DD+.5.1.x264-TrollHD_track3_[und]

(Mary Alice) FIVE YEARS AGO,

SUSAN DELFINO
GAVE BIRTH TO A SON

IN DELIVERY ROOM "A"
OF FAIRVIEW MEMORIAL HOSPITAL.

MOMENTS LATER,

LILA DASH
GAVE BIRTH TO A DAUGHTER

IN DELIVERY ROOM "B."

AROUND 10:00 THE NEXT MORNING,

AS THE TWO NEW MOTHERS
WERE LEAVING THE HOSPITAL,

THEY NEARLY
RAN INTO EACH OTHER.

OF COURSE,
THEY NEVER KNEW THIS.

IN FACT,

SUSAN AND LILA WOULD HAVE BEEN
SURPRISED TO KNOW

HOW OFTEN THEIR PATHS
WOULD CROSS OVER THE YEARS.

THEY ALMOST MET
AT THE LOCAL COFFEE SHOP...

AND ANOTHER TIME AT
THEIR VETERINARIAN'S OFFICE...

AND AGAIN IN THE BLEACHERS
OF THE FAIRVIEW FLYERS.

BUT DESPITE
THESE CLOSE CALLS,

SUSAN AND LILA NEVER MET...

UNTIL ONE TUESDAY,
WHEN SUSAN DECIDED

TO TAKE HER HUSBAND
TO A FANCY RESTAURANT

FOR THEIR ANNIVERSARY...

AT THE SAME TIME,
LILA DECIDED

TO TAKE HER DAUGHTER
TO BUY SOME ICE CREAM.

THAT WAS THE NIGHT
THAT SUSAN DELFINO

AND LILA DASH

FINALLY RAN INTO EACH OTHER.

(horn honks, tires screech)

(hissing)

(metal creaking)

(grunting)

AAH!

(grunting and gasping)

(Susan) MIKE!

IT WILL HAPPEN TO ALL OF US
EVENTUALLY.

THE MOMENT WILL COME
WHEN WE ASK OURSELVES...

WHERE DID THE TIME GO?

HOW DID THE CHILDREN
I ONCE CRADLED...

GROW UP SO VERY QUICKLY?

HOW DID THE LIFE I DREAMT OF...

TURN INTO A CAREER
I NEVER EXPECTED?

AND HOW DID THAT WOMAN
I SAW EACH DAY IN THE MIRROR...

BECOME SOMEONE
I DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE?

JUANITA, THIS DRESS
IS AWFULLY TIGHT.

I DON'T THINK
YOU CAN GET INTO IT.

NO, IT'S PRETTY.
I CAN DO IT.

HOW'S THAT ONE FIT?
OH, I THINK WE'RE GONNA NEED
THE NEXT SIZE UP.

AHEM!

UH, THERE IS NO
NEXT SIZE UP.

THEY DON'T MAKE PRINCESS DRESSES
FOR GIRLS OVER 7.

SHE'S ONLY 4 1/2.

OH.

WOW.

LOOK, MY DAUGHTER WAS INVITED
TO A PRINCESS PARTY,

SO I CAN'T LET HER

BE THE ONLY GIRL THERE
WITHOUT A PRINCESS DRESS.

DID YOU TRY
THE COSTUME SECTION?

I BET THEY'D HAVE A MRS. SHREK
DRESS THAT WOULD FIT HER.

JUANITA, TAKE OFF THE DRESS!
WE'RE GOING.

(Juanita) NO! I CAN DO IT.

LOOK, I FEEL FOR YOU.

MY NIECE ALSO HAS
A WEIGHT PROBLEM.
MY DAUGHTER DOES NOT HAVE
A WEIGHT PROBLEM.

SHE HAS A LITTLE BABY FAT,
THAT'S ALL.

IN FACT,
THE ONLY PROBLEM SHE HAS

IS THIS STORE
BEING COMPLETELY UNPREPARED

FOR A PERFECTLY AVERAGE
4-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

(fabric rips)
UH-OH.

JUST RING IT UP.

(sighs)
(camera shutter snaps)

(man) NO, NO, NO!

OH, FOR GOD SAKES.
WHAT'S WRONG NOW?

ONCE AGAIN,

THE CONCEPT IS, SWEETIE,

YOU'RE TAKING THE PIE
OUT OF THE OVEN,

YOUR FACE AGLOW
WITH SURPRISE.

WHY AM I SURPRISED?
BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT
SO PERFECTLY.

WELL, THAT'S NO SURPRISE.
MY PIES ARE ALWAYS PERFECT.

ALL RIGHT.
IT'S YOUR BEST PIE EVER.

YOU'VE TOPPED YOURSELF.
HMM?

MM. AND I KNOW THIS
BEFORE I'VE TASTED IT?

(sighs) SWEETIE, JUST MAKE
WHATEVER FACE YOU WANT.

I JUST THINK
YOU'LL SELL MORE COOKBOOKS

IF YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE

YOU JUST MADE LOVE
TO AN ICE CUBE.

ANDREW, DEAR, I'M GOING TO
TAKE A LITTLE BREAK.

WOULD YOU PLEASE
TELL THIS GENTLEMAN

THAT IF HE CALLS ME "SWEETIE"
ONE MORE TIME,

I'M GONNA GRAB HIS CAMERA
AND TAKE A PICTURE OF HIS COLON?

YOU GOT THAT, RIGHT?

KATHERINE, HI.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
THE WAITERS NEED TO BE PAID,

AND YOU TOOK THE KEY
TO THE CASHBOX... AGAIN.

OH. SORRY. PAID FOR WHAT?
THE ARMENIAN WEDDING?
LUNCH FOR 300?

IT WAS RIGHT AFTER THE BREAKFAST
FOR THE GARDEN CLUB,

WHICH YOU ALSO MISSED.
LOOK, I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T KNOW A PHOTO SHOOT
WOULD TAKE THIS LONG.

I MEAN, WHO KNEW IT'D BE THIS
HARD TO POSE FOR A BOOK COVER?

OH, YOU'LL BE FINE.

IF THERE'S ONE THING
YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT,

IT'S POSING AS A CHEF.
OKAY, KATHERINE.

I KNOW THIS BOOK HAS BEEN
MONOPOLIZING MY TIME,

AND YOU FEEL OVERWORKED
AND UNDERVALUED.

BUT I DO APPRECIATE YOU.
IN FACT, I HAVE A GIFT FOR YOU.

IT'S THE GALLEYS
OF MY NEW BOOK.

READ PAGE 2.

"FOR KATHERINE MAYFAIR--

"A WONDERFUL COOK

AND AN EVEN BETTER FRIEND."

YOU DEDICATED IT TO ME?

WELL, YOU MAKE THIS
ALL POSSIBLE.

(chuckles) IT'S THE LEAST
I COULD DO.

AHEM! EXCUSE ME.

TIME IS MONEY.
CHOP-CHOP, SWEETIE.

ANDREW...
DO WE HAVE A BACKUP PIE?

YES. YES, WE DO.

GOOD.

(horn honking in distance)

(indistinct conversations)

(laughter)

AND THE BIG BLIND...

CATCHES A JACK
ON THE RIVER.

PRESTON?

MOM!

WHAT THE HELL'S
GOING ON HERE?
DON'T FREAK OUT.

WE'RE JUST PLAYING CARDS.
OH, YEAH? WHY DIDN'T YOU
PLAY AT HOME?

WHY DID YOU
HAVE TO SNEAK IN HERE?

TEQUILA SHOTS! 5 BUCKS!

(all cheering)

AH.

ASKED AND ANSWERED.

OKAY, THAT'S IT!
EVERYBODY OUT. GAME'S OVER.

CAN I HAVE YOUR CHAIR
FOR A SECOND?

HEY! LOOK UP HERE!
MOM'S HERE. PARTY'S OVER.

DOOR'S OPEN. OUT YOU GO.
GO ON. SHOO!

(Lynette) WOW.

YOU GUYS HAVE PULLED
A LOT OF STUPID STUNTS.

BUT THIS?

THIS?

RISKING OUR LIQUOR LICENSE,
OUR LIVELIHOOD?

WHO'S GOING TO FIND OUT?

I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN RUNNING THIS
GAME FOR A MONTH, AND NOBODY--

UNBELIEVABLE. YOU GUYS
ARE GROUNDED FOR TWO WEEKS.

BUT WE HAVE HOMECOMING.

YEAH, YEAH! KEEP COMPLAINING.
I'D LOVE TO MAKE IT A YEAR.

NOW CLEAN THIS PLACE UP. NOW!

(panting)

OH.

OH.

WOW. THAT WAS FANTASTIC.

AMAZING.

(giggles)

WHEW. YOU WERE INCREDIBLE.

SO WERE YOU. (chuckles)

OH. AND...
(grunts and sighs)

TIME TO GO.

(panting)

WHEW.

SUSAN?

(grunts)
SO IT'S BEEN, WHAT,
FOUR MONTHS?

ARE YOU EVER GONNA
LET ME SPEND THE NIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW.
COME ON, ZIPPY, ZIPPY.

OKAY.
IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW...

(zips up pants)
GIRLS USUALLY BEG ME
TO SPEND THE NIGHT.

WELL, GOOD, THEN YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE ANY PROBLEM

FINDING A PLACE TO SLEEP.
FINE. I KNOW THE DRILL.

I CAN'T SPEND THE NIGHT.
I CAN'T MEET YOUR FRIENDS.

I CAN'T MEET YOUR SON.
I'M JUST WONDERING--

IS THIS EVER GONNA
TURN INTO SOMETHING NORMAL?
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A GUY,

AND WE JUST HAD HOT SEX,

AND I DIDN'T FORCE YOU
TO CUDDLE.

SO RUN! GO!
BRAG TO YOUR FRIENDS.

LOOK...

I LIKE YOU,
AND I KNOW YOU LIKE ME.

SO WHY CAN'T WE BE A COUPLE?

'CAUSE I'M... NOT READY
FOR THAT.

AND WHAT WE'VE GOT--
THAT'S ALL I CAN HANDLE.

(light slap)
GO.

OKAY, BUT THAT'S
ONLY GONNA WORK, LIKE,

500 OR 600 MORE TIMES.

(giggles)

(man) GOOD EVENING.
CAN I HELP YOU?

WRONG QUESTION.
THE QUESTION IS, CAN I HELP YOU?

LOOK, IF YOU'RE TRYING
TO SELL ME SOMETHING,

I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.

YOU DO NOW.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'M HERE TO BUY YOU
OUT OF YOUR LEASE.

WHAT?

I KNOW. IT'S SUDDEN.

BUT THERE'S SOMETHING
ABOUT THIS HOUSE THAT...

WELL, IT JUST
FEELS LIKE HOME TO ME.

SO I'D LIKE TO MOVE IN...
TONIGHT.

TONIGHT? ARE YOU CRAZY?

A LITTLE BIT.

OKAY, HERE.

I WILL MORE THAN COVER
YOUR MOVING EXPENSES.

LOOK, UH...
I-I'M ALL SET UP HERE.

BESIDES, MY LANDLADY
WOULD NEVER ALLOW IT.

WHY DON'T YOU LET ME
WORRY ABOUT HER?

MM, NO. I-I DON'T HAVE
ANYWHERE ELSE TO GO.

I THINK YOU SHOULD LEAVE.

LOOK, RAYMOND...

HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?

I MADE YOU
A VERY GENEROUS OFFER,

AND I JUST KNOW YOU'RE GOING
TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION.

FIVE.

FIVE WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

FOUR.

ARE YOU--
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THREE.
O-OKAY. HANG ON FOR A SECOND.

TWO.

WELL, RAYMOND,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HERE YOU GO. TAKE CARE.

ALL TAKEN CARE OF...
MRS. WILLIAMS.

THANK YOU... MR. WILLIAMS.

THE NEXT MORNING,

EDIE BRITT DECIDED TO ANNOUNCE
HER RETURN TO WISTERIA LANE

IN A WAY...
THAT WAS GUARANTEED...

TO MAKE A BIG SPLASH.

(bottles clink)

(dials cell phone)

OKAY, YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BELIEVE THIS, BUT...

(singsong voice) SHE'S BACK.

EDIE? IS THAT REALLY YOU?

YOU KNOW SOMEONE ELSE MY AGE
WITH A BODY LIKE THIS?

SO YOU'RE BACK?

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR TENANT?

HE, UH, CAME INTO SOME MONEY
AND DECIDED TO MOVE.

WE THOUGHT,
WHAT THE HECK? LET'S MOVE BACK!

"WE"?

OH, YOU DON'T KNOW.
I HAVE A HUSBAND NOW.

REALLY? WHOSE?

SO I'M IN VEGAS TALKING
TO THIS REAL ESTATE CONVENTION.

I DO A LITTLE
MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKING.

AND THERE--
SIXTH ROW, CENTER AISLE,

IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
I HAVE EVER SEEN.

(Edie chuckles)
SO AFTER I FINISH,

I WALK INTO THE AUDIENCE
AND I ASK THIS GODDESS OUT.

HIS SEMINAR WAS CALLED
"GETTING WHAT YOU WANT,"

AND HE DID...

THREE TIMES. HMM.
BEFORE DINNER.

(Lynette and Edie chuckle)
WELL, IT'S CERTAINLY NICE
TO MEET YOU, DAVE,

AND LET US BE THE FIRST
TO WELCOME YOU TO WISTERIA LANE.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? WE SHOULD
HAVE A DINNER OR SOMETHING.

OH, LET'S MAKE IT A PARTY.
WE COULD DO IT AT MY RESTAURANT.
WE'D BE HONORED.

THANK YOU.

SO, GABY, I HAVE TO ASK.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU.

YOUR--YOUR CLOTHES,
YOUR--YOUR HAIR.

(laughs) CARLOS MIGHT BE BLIND,
BUT THE REST OF US AREN'T.
I HAD TWO CHILDREN.

FOR WHAT? BREAKFAST?

EDIE? ON YOUR FIRST DAY BACK
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M SORRY, GABY.

IT WAS RUDE AND INSENSITIVE,
AND IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

REALLY?

OKAY.

NOW SHOULDN'T WE OFFER
YOUR FRIENDS SOMETHING TO EAT?

OOH! I BAKED SOME MUFFINS.

PLEASE DON'T TAKE
THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT...

WE LOVE YOU.

(chuckles)

MIJITA! LUNCH IS READY.
GO GET YOUR SISTER.

♪♪♪

CARLOS,
WHAT'S WITH ALL THE CHEESE?

YOU KNOW HOW JUANITA FEELS
ABOUT BRUSSELS SPROUTS.

I'M JUST TRYING
TO MAKE VEGETABLES MORE FUN.
WELL, NEXT TIME,

GIVE HER A CARROT
AND PUT HER ON A ROLLER COASTER.

HAVE YOU TRIED
TO LIFT HER LATELY?
I KNOW SHE'S GOTTEN CHUBBY.
SHE'LL GROW OUT OF IT.

HA! WE CAN ONLY HOPE

WITH YOUR D.N.A.
RUNNING THROUGH HER VEINS.
HEY, I DO NOT HAVE FAT D.N.A.

OH, DON'T MAKE ME PULL OUT
THE SOLIS FAMILY PHOTO ALBUM.

IT'S LIKE A BUNCH OF SEA LIONS
POSING ON A ROCK.

WELL, I'M SORRY MY RELATIVES
DON'T MEASURE UP TO

THE GROUP OF STICK-THIN DRUNKS
THAT YOU COME FROM.

ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT OUR
DAUGHTER HAS A WEIGHT PROBLEM,

AND THE SOONER WE ADMIT IT,
THE BETTER.
SHE'S ONLY 4.

BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU WANT HER
TO DEVELOP A WEIGHT PROBLEM?

GO AHEAD. NAG, CRITICIZE,
MAKE HER FEEL SELF-CONSCIOUS.

SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

AND OBVIOUSLY I AM NOT
GETTING THROUGH TO THE TWINS,

BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT I SAY,
THEY KEEP PULLING THIS CRAP,

AND I AM SICK OF IT.
HONEY, COULD YOU...

SORRY.

YEAH. (chuckles) SO YOU--
YOU WANT ME TO TALK TO THEM?

YOU HAVE TO. I AM TIRED
OF BEING THE BAD COP.

YOU WALK THE BEAT FOR A WHILE.
FINE.
YOU KNOW, BOYS THIS AGE,

THEY'RE MORE LIKELY
TO LISTEN TO THEIR DADS ANYWAY.

I-I CAN HANDLE THIS.

I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

HONEY, YOU KNOW WHAT
I'D APPRECIATE? COULD YOU...

SORRY.

(laughter)

(Porter) SO KIRBY HAS
ACES IN THE HOLE...
(Tom) YEAH.

WHICH MEANS THAT BOBBY

WILL HAVE TO WEAR A DRESS
TO SCHOOL ON MONDAY.
OH! OH, MY! OKAY.

(laughs) YOU'VE GOT TO GET
A PICTURE OF THAT!

TOM?
CAN I TALK TO YOU A SEC?

YEAH.

DON'T YOU THINK

YOU WERE KIND OF SENDING
THE WRONG MESSAGE IN THERE?

I KNOW WE DON'T APPROVE
OF WHAT THEY DID,

BUT YOU--YOU GOTTA ADMIT.

COME ON. STARTING THEIR
OWN CASINO IS KIND OF CREATIVE.

YEAH? "CREATIVE" LIKE SELLING
FAKE I.D.s WAS CREATIVE.

AND HOT-WIRING McCLUSKEY'S CAR--
THAT WAS A WORK OF ART.

HONEY, HONEY,
THIS IS NOTHING LIKE THAT.

I MEAN, LOOK,
THE WHOLE SCHOOL

IS TALKING
ABOUT THEIR CARD GAME.

DO YOU REALIZE IT WAS,
LIKE,

THE PLACE TO BE
ON A MONDAY NIGHT?

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT?

YOU THINK THEY'RE COOL.

WELL... YEAH.

NO, I MEAN
YOU THINK THEY'RE COOL

IN THAT YOU WANNA BE THEM.
OH, PLEASE.

YOU DO! THIS IS TOM,
FORMER HIGH SCHOOL NERD,

LIVING VICARIOUSLY
THROUGH HIS AWESOME-ASS KIDS.

HEY, I WAS PLENTY COOL
IN HIGH SCHOOL.

ARE WE REDEFINING "COOL"

TO INCLUDE PLAYING TROMBONE
IN THE MARCHING BAND?

(chuckles) HEY, HEY.

YOU'RE OVERREACTING.

YOU'RE A LITTLE HIGH-SPIRITED,
BUT I TRUST THEM.

SO I'VE DECIDED TO UNGROUND THEM
FOR THE HOMECOMING DANCE.

BUT I TOLD THEM
THEY COULDN'T GO.

AND YOU TOLD ME TO HANDLE IT,
AND I JUST DID.

OH, BY THE WAY,
IT WASN'T A TROMBONE.

IT WAS A TUBA.

KNOW YOUR BRASS.

(girl) MOM! MOM! WHERE ARE YOU?

(woman) RIGHT HERE, HONEY!

(girls shouting and laughing)

JUANITA!

YOU SAID I COULD HAVE CAKE.

I KNOW, BUT SO MUCH?

YOU COULD'VE GONE BACK
FOR A SECOND PIECE.

(mouth full)
THIS IS MY SECOND PIECE.

(women laugh)

(woman) AND IT'S NOT
JUANITA'S FAULT.

IN THIS KIND OF SITUATION,
I BLAME THE PARENTS.

(woman) LOOK, MY KID WOULD EAT
SUGAR ALL DAY LONG IF I LET HER.

GABY'S OBVIOUSLY ONE OF THOSE
MOMS WHO JUST CAN'T SAY NO.

IT'S A SHAME, TOO.
JUANITA HAS SUCH A PRETTY FACE.

MM.

I'M BACK.

YOU WANT SOMETHING COLD?

WELL, ACTUALLY,

I'M IN THE MOOD
FOR SOMETHING HOT.

YOU KNOW...

THIS IS WHY
IT'S TAKING FOUR MONTHS

TO GET MY HOUSE PAINTED.

HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD
THAT EXPRESSION,

"YOU CAN HAVE IT DONE FAST,
OR YOU CAN HAVE IT DONE RIGHT"?

I THINK I'LL HAVE IT DONE
RIGHT NOW. (laughs)

(knock on door)
(Lynette) HEY, SUSAN?

MM. UH, LYNETTE,
IT'S NOT REALLY A GOOD TIME.

I JUST NEED FIVE SECONDS
TO BITCH ABOUT TOM,

AND THEN I'LL--
OH, MY GOD.
(sighs)

YOUR PAINTER
ISN'T DONE YET?

UH...

YEAH. HE--HE'S HARD
TO KEEP TRACK OF.

WELL, ANYWAY,
TOM REFUSES TO ACKNOWLEDGE

THAT THE TWINS ARE TURNING
INTO JUVENILE DELINQUENTS.

JUST THE OTHER DAY, I WAS--
OH, YOU POOR THING!
YOU NEED A HUG.

UH...

(sighs)

HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

(leaves rustling)

(camera shutter snaps)

SORRY TO HAVE BARGED IN,

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME
GET THAT OFF MY CHEST.

HEY, ANYTIME THAT YOU NEED TO
TALK, YOU JUST RING MY BELL...

(chuckles)
AND WAIT.

OKAY, NEW RULE.

FROM NOW ON, SEX ONLY HAPPENS
IN THE BEDROOM, DOOR CLOSED,

BETWEEN THE HOURS
OF 7:00 AND 10:00 P.M.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'D BE A HELL OF A LOT EASIER
FOR ME TO FOLLOW THE RULES

IF I KNEW WHY THEY EXISTED.
I JUST DON'T WANT MY FRIENDS
TO KNOW.

WHY?
YOU--YOU ASHAMED OF ME?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

IT'S JUST... COMPLICATED.

I'M JUST A SIMPLE GUY,

SO I CAN'T BE
YOUR DIRTY LITTLE SECRET.

I NEED MORE FROM YOU.

I'M SORRY.
I CAN'T GIVE THAT TO YOU.

HONEY, I KNOW YOU WANNA GO HOME
AND WATCH YOUR CARTOONS,

BUT YOU HAD A LOT OF CAKE,

SO I WAS THINKING
I'D TAKE YOU TO THE PARK.

THAT WAY, YOU COULD RUN AROUND
AND GET SOME NICE, FUN EXERCISE.

NO.

YOU SURE?

RUNNING AROUND
IN THE SUN AND FRESH AIR

WOULD MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD.

MM... NO.

(sighs) OKAY.

WHY DON'T YOU
GO THROW THAT IN THE TRASH?

AND I'M GONNA
GET THE CAR STARTED.

(girls laughing,
rapid footsteps approaching)

HEY, JUANITA.

YOU WANNA PLAY A NEW GAME
ON THE WAY HOME?

(singsong voice)
WINNER GETS A NEW DOLL.
OKAY.

WELL, COME ON, THEN!

HEY!

MOMMY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

IT'S A NEW GAME I INVENTED,
AND YOU'RE WINNING 1 TO NOTHING!

(engine revs)

(gasps)

KATHERINE! FANTASTIC NEWS.

"WHAT'S COOKIN' FAIRVIEW?"

IS SENDING OUT
A CAMERA CREW TOMORROW

TO DO A PIECE
ON ME AND THE BOOK.
OH, WHICH I JUST FINISHED
THIS MORNING.

YOU READ IT ALREADY?
YES. I COULDN'T PUT IT DOWN.

(thud)
BUT I HAVE TO TELL YOU,
AT LEAST A DOZEN RECIPES

ARE MISSING
A PRETTY CRUCIAL INGREDIENT.

REALLY?

WHAT?

MY NAME.

EXCUSE ME?
BREE, YOUR BOOK
IS FILLED WITH RECIPES

THAT WE DEVELOPED TOGETHER,

AND--AND SOME OF THEM
ARE FLAT-OUT MINE.
OH, DON'T BE SILLY.

I MAY HAVE BASED A FEW
ON YOUR RECIPES,

BUT I ALWAYS
CHANGED SOMETHING.

LIKE WHAT? THE FONT?

NAME ONE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
THIS MEATLOAF RECIPE AND MINE.

WELL, YOURS CALLS FOR
MINCED CURLY LEAF PARSLEY.

MINE CALLS FOR
MINCED FLAT LEAF.

IT'S MINCED!
WHO CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE?

BREE, YOU HAVE RECIPES IN HERE
YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE.

NEVER HEARD ANYTHING
SO ABSURD.

THE CROQUEMBOUCHE CAKE
WITH THE SPUN SUGAR NETTING?

I'VE NEVER ONCE SEEN YOU
WORK WITH MOLTEN SUGAR.

I ALWAYS MAKE THAT CAKE.
REALLY, KATHERINE.

JUST BECAUSE I LET YOU EXECUTE
A FEW EYE-CATCHING GARNISHES

THAT GRATIFY YOUR NEED
TO SHOW OFF,

DOESN'T MEAN THAT I CAN'T
DO THEM JUST AS WELL MYSELF.

YOU LET ME?

(thud)

I THOUGHT WE WERE PARTNERS.

WE ARE.

THAT'S WHY YOUR NAME IS
ON THE DEDICATION PAGE.

YOU WERE RIGHT
ABOUT THE DEDICATION, BREE.

IT REALLY WAS
THE LEAST YOU COULD DO.

(door shuts)

WOW!

18 TO ZERO!

2 MORE POINTS,
AND YOU'LL BREAK THE RECORD.

MOMMY, I'M TIRED!
(engine revving)

REALLY?

WELL, I THOUGHT RUNNING
THROUGH THAT GUY'S SPRINKLER

WOULD'VE REFRESHED YOU.
NOW COME ON!

NO.

(engine revs)
(singsong voice) UH-OH.

LOOKS LIKE MOMMY'S
GONNA SCORE HER FIRST 2 POINTS.

COME ON, JUANITA.

SHOW MOMMY
WHAT A WINNER YOU ARE.

JUANITA!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

JUANITA, STOP!

JUANITA! JUANITA!

AND WHILE I THOUGHT

GROUNDING YOU
WAS AN APPROPRIATE PUNISHMENT,

YOUR DAD CONVINCED ME

I WAS BEING
A LITTLE TOO HARD ON YOU GUYS.
ABSOLUTELY.

AND SO WE HAVE DECIDED

TO LET YOU GO TO
THE HOMECOMING DANCE TONIGHT...

THAT'S RIGHT! (laughs)

IN YOUR FATHER'S CONVERTIBLE.

UM, UM, H-H-HOLD ON.
WHAT? WH--

COME ON, TOM.
I MEAN, WE TRUST THEM, RIGHT?

YES, YES.

I-I WOULD TRUST THEM MORE
IF THEY WERE DRIVING YOUR CAR.
NO! YOU DON'T WANT

TWO COOL KIDS PULLING UP
TO HOMECOMING IN A MOM CAR,

ESPECIALLY WITH THAT BIG DENT
THEY PUT IN IT LAST MONTH.

HERE YOU GO.

(Preston) DUDE!
THANKS! THANKS!

DON'T THANK ME.
THANK YOUR FATHER.
(Preston) THANKS, DAD!

(Porter) YOU ROCK!
UH, YOU--WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
WHOA! HERE--SOME GROUND RULES.

N-NO MUDDY SHOES
ON MY FLOOR MATS. NO--

TOM, RELAX!

YOU HIGH-SPIRITED KIDS DO
WHATEVER IT TAKES TO HAVE FUN.

HEY! (laughs)
(laughs)

WHOO! I'M DRIVING IT, MAN.

(man)
AND IN THREE, TWO, ONE.

WELCOME BACK
TO "WHAT'S COOKIN' FAIRVIEW?"

WE'RE TALKING
WITH BREE VAN DE KAMP,

FAIRVIEW'S PREMIER CATERER,

WHO'S ABOUT TO PUBLISH
HER VERY FIRST COOKBOOK.

(man) BREE,
COULD YOU SHOW US INSIDE?

THIS IS MY KITCHEN,

AND THIS IS MY STAFF--

THE MOST GIFTED,
HARDWORKING TEAM

A COOK
COULD EVER HAVE HOPED FOR.

I CANNOT SAY ENOUGH GOOD THINGS
ABOUT THEM.

SO WHICH ONE OF YOU HAS
WORKED WITH BREE THE LONGEST?

THAT WOULD BE ME.

SO TELL ME, WHAT'S IT
REALLY LIKE WORKING WITH BREE?

(sighs)

IT'S INSPIRING.

(sighs and chuckles)

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
SHE CAN'T DO.

KATHERINE, I'M BLUSHING.

WORKING WITH HER
HAS BEEN...

SUCH AN EDUCATION

THAT I--AAH!

AH! (inhales sharply)
OH, GOD. ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I THINK I STRAINED MY WRIST.
GOD, IT HURTS.

OH, YOU POOR DEAR. COULD SOMEONE
PLEASE GET SOME ICE? OH, NO.

OH, AND I WAS JUST ABOUT TO PUT
THE SPUN SUGAR NETTING

ON OUR FAMOUS CROQUEMBOUCHE.

WOULD YOU MIND DOING IT?

(chuckles nervously)
KATHERINE,

I'M SURE YOUR WRIST
IS JUST FINE.

NO, IT'S REALLY THROBBING.

OKAY, IT LOOKS LIKE BREE
TO THE RESCUE.

BE SURE YOU GET THIS.

REALLY SOMETHING TO SEE.

THE SECRET TO SPINNING SUGAR

IS THIS SPECIAL WHISK

THAT MAKES
LOVELY GOSSAMER THREADS.

CAREFUL, DEAR.

YOU'RE CLUMPING.
I CAN SEE THAT.

AAH!
(man) WHOA!

(gasps)

THAT STUFF'S HOT!

SORRY.

(laughs)

OOPS! (laughs nervously)

(sighs)

SO THAT'S YOUR IDEA OF EXERCISE?
HAVING HER RUN AFTER A CAR?

CARLOS, OUR DAUGHTER
SUCKED DOWN HALF A SHEET CAKE,

AND AFTERWARDS,
NO ONE COULD FIND THE CANDLES.

WAKE UP!
WE HAVE GOT A PROBLEM!

I JUST DON'T THINK THE SOLUTION
IS TO HUMILIATE HER.

NOW EVEN IF SHE'S... HEAVY,

DOESN'T SHE HAVE THE RIGHT
TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT HERSELF?

HEY, I'M PROTECTING HER.
SHE DOESN'T KNOW THE TRUTH YET.

WOMEN ONLY HAVE FIVE SECONDS
TO BE YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL,

AND THEN IT'S GONE.
(sighs)

AND THEN BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
WE'RE OLD AND FAT AND MARRIED

AND WONDERING
WHERE OUR BEAUTY WENT.

(sighs) GABY...

(voice breaks)
NO, CARLOS. I MEAN...

SOMETIMES I'M GLAD
YOU CAN'T SEE ME.

FIVE YEARS AND TWO KIDS

AND NO TIME
FOR FACIALS OR THE GYM.

IT JUST... TAKES A TOLL.

(sighs)

AND WHEN EDIE SAW ME
THE OTHER DAY,

IT WAS LIKE SHE DIDN'T EVEN
RECOGNIZE ME.

LISTEN TO ME.

NOBODY KNOWS YOUR FACE
BETTER THAN I DO.
(sniffles)

AND I SEE IT
EVERY TIME I KISS YOU.

IN 5 YEARS OR 50,

YOU WILL
ALWAYS BE BEAUTIFUL.

HEAR ME?

AND NOW TO FINISH,

YOU SIMPLY TRANSFER
YOUR SPUN SUGAR

TO THE CROQUEMBOUCHE

AND GRACEFULLY DRAPE IT AROUND

IN A DELICATE SWIRL.

OH. (chuckles)

DID I MENTION THAT YOU...
(scoffs)

PROBABLY SHOULDN'T
BE WEARING JEWELRY

WHILE WORKING
WITH SPUN SUGAR? UM...

WELL, THERE'S NO LAW THAT SAYS
IT HAS TO BE A DELICATE VEIL.

I MEAN, IT COULD REALLY
JUST BE A BEAUTIFUL, UM,

LITTLE, UH, WHITE...

RIBBON.

TURN OFF THE DAMN CAMERA.

AH, ACTUALLY, MY WRIST
IS FEELING A LITTLE BETTER.

WHY DON'T I GIVE IT A SHOT?

(beeps)

WHATCHA DOING?

OKAY, WHERE ARE THEY?
IT'S 30 MINUTES PAST CURFEW.

ACTUALLY, IT'S 32.

IF THERE IS A SINGLE SCRATCH
ON THAT CAR--

I MEAN, AFTER ALL THE TIME THAT
I SPENT RESTORING THAT THING...

YEAH. REMEMBER WHEN YOU SPENT
THE ENTIRE DAY ON THE INTERNET

TRYING TO FIND
A NEW GEARSHIFT KNOB?

WORST ANNIVERSARY EVER.

I CANNOT BELIEVE
THAT YOU DID THIS TO ME.

I KNOW.

THAT CAR IS YOUR BABY.

IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMETHING
I FELT THAT INTENSELY ABOUT.

OH, WAIT! THERE IS--
MY ACTUAL BABIES.

YOU THINK I DON'T CARE
ABOUT OUR BOYS?

I KNOW YOU LOVE THEM,

BUT SOMETIMES YOU FIND THEM
SO COOL AND ENTERTAINING,

YOU FORGET TO PARENT THEM.

LYNETTE--
NO, LISTEN.

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE
AND THEY'D ACT OUT,

AND WE'D ALWAYS SAY,
"RELAX! THEY'RE YOUNG.

WHEN THEY'RE OLDER,
THEY'LL GET IT."

WELL, TOM, THEY'RE 16 NOW.

NOT GETTING IT.

WE HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO
IN A VERY SHORT TIME,

AND IF YOU AND I
AREN'T IN SYNC,

I'M AFRAID
IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

(car approaching)

(brakes squeal)

(boys laughing)

(engine shuts off, doors open)

HEY, SORRY WE'RE LATE.
YEAH. BUT, DAD,
YOU HAVE TO HEAR THIS STORY.

WE JUST PULLED UP
AT AN INTERSECTION,

AND THERE WERE
THESE TWO HOT GIRLS--
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

YOU EVER HEAR OF A THING
CALLED A CELL PHONE?

WE'RE ONLY, LIKE,
35 MINUTES LATE.

YEAH, 35 MINUTES,
DURING WHICH TIME

YOUR MOTHER AND I
HAVE BEEN WORRIED SICK.

BUT, DAD--

YOU BROKE THE RULES.
THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES.

YOU'RE BOTH GROUNDED
FOR A MONTH.

THIS SUCKS!
YOU'RE ONLY DOING THIS

'CAUSE YOU WERE WORRIED
ABOUT YOUR PRECIOUS CAR.

YOU THINK?
GET OUT OF THE WAY.

(gasps)

ANY OTHER OPINIONS
YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE?

(sighs)

THANK YOU.

BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO...

THAT MIRROR WAS SCRATCHED.

I ALREADY ORDERED
A NEW ONE.

♪ YOU KNOW THE DAY
DESTROYS THE NIGHT ♪

♪ NIGHT DIVIDES THE DAY ♪

♪ TRY TO RUN... ♪

(gasps) MRS. McCLUSKEY!
YOU'RE STILL ALIVE!

OH, IT'S NICE
TO SEE YOU, TOO, EDIE.

(chuckles) THIS IS MY HUSBAND,
DAVE WILLIAMS.

SO HOW DID YOU TWO MEET?

YOU RUN A FREE CLINIC
OR SOMETHING?

(laughs)
I'M SORRY. WHO ARE YOU?
KAREN McCLUSKEY,

EDIE'S BEST FRIEND
ON THE STREET.

WELL, IT'S A REAL PLEASURE
TO MEET YOU.

OH.

♪ BREAK ON THROUGH
TO THE OTHER SIDE ♪

(lowered voice)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

UM, I JUST NEED
TO TALK TO YOU.

NOT HERE.
GO HOME. I'LL CALL YOU.

WHEN?

I DON'T KNOW. LATER.
JUST GO.

(Orson) ♪ YEAH! YEAH! ♪
(cheers and applause)

(woman) YEAH! WHOO!

I HAVE TO SAY, LADIES,

THIS IS QUITE A SHINDIG.

OH, I'M GLAD
YOU'RE ENJOYING YOURSELF.

YEAH, I MEAN, THERE'S REALLY
NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE

WHO GO TO THIS MUCH TROUBLE
TO SAY THEY'RE SORRY.
EXCUSE ME?

WELL, THE PARTY. IT'S JUST
A BEAUTIFUL WAY TO APOLOGIZE.

EDIE, THIS IS NOT
A "WE'RE SORRY" PARTY.

THIS IS
A "WE FORGIVE YOU" PARTY.

YOU FORGIVE ME?

WELL,
I THINK WHAT GABY MEANS IS

YOU WERE FAIRLY AWFUL TO US
RIGHT BEFORE YOU LEFT,

AND THIS IS OUR WAY
OF WELCOMING YOU BACK

TO HOPEFULLY NOT DO IT AGAIN.

(chuckles)
YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.

YOU FROZE ME OUT.

YOU THREATENED
TO RUIN MY BUSINESS,

AND YOU RAN ME OUT OF TOWN.

NOW IT'S TAKEN ME FIVE YEARS
TO STOP HATING YOU.

GREAT PARTY, LADIES.
(glasses clink)

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NOW...
MIND IF I STEAL MY WIFE?

SWEETHEART?

(Ramones' "I Wanna
Be Your Boyfriend" playing)

(indistinct conversations)

♪ HEY, LITTLE GIRL ♪

ISN'T THAT YOUR PAINTER?

♪ I WANNA BE YOUR BOYFRIEND ♪

IS IT? I CAN'T TELL.

♪ SWEET LITTLE GIRL ♪

♪ I WANNA BE YOUR BOYFRIEND ♪

♪♪♪

♪ DO YOU LOVE ME, BABE? ♪

OOH! EXCUSE ME.
IT'S OKAY.

♪ WHAT DO YOU SAY? ♪

♪ DO YOU LOVE ME, BABE? ♪

♪ WHAT CAN I SAY? ♪

(electricity powers down)

(all moan)
(woman) DIDN'T THEY PAY
THE BILL?

ALL RIGHT. CALM DOWN.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

(whispers)
YOU, COME WITH ME.

(sighs)

WHY WOULD YOU HUMILIATE ME
IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS?

ARE YOU A LUNATIC?

I-I'M JUST TRYING
TO GET THROUGH TO YOU.
(scoffs)

AND, YEAH, IT'S MAKING ME
KINDA CRAZY.

SUSAN... WHY CAN'T I MEET
YOUR FRIENDS?

I MEAN, AM I REALLY
THAT HORRIBLE?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.
MY FRIENDS WOULD LOVE YOU.

THEN WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

THE PROBLEM IS,

IF YOU MEET MY FRIENDS,
THEN WE'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP,

AND I CAN'T BE
IN A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW.

BUT I-I PROMISE,
I'LL MAKE YOU VERY HAPPY.

WELL, MAYBE I DON'T DESERVE
TO BE HAPPY.

(both sigh)

UM...

A FEW YEARS AGO...

THERE WAS
THIS CAR ACCIDENT...

A BAD ONE.

TAKE THE HIGH ROAD?

DID YOU HEAR WHAT
THOSE SMUG BITCHES SAID TO ME?

EDIE, IT'S IMPORTANT
THESE PEOPLE LIKE US.

IT'S OUR HOME NOW.

I NEVER SHOULD'VE LET YOU
TALK ME INTO MOVING BACK HERE.

WHY? WHY WERE YOU
SO GUNG HO ON WISTERIA LANE?

LISTEN TO YOUR HUSBAND.
WE CAN BE HAPPY HERE,

BUT WE NEED THESE PEOPLE
TO LIKE US.

WHY?

IT'LL JUST
MAKE EVERYTHING EASIER.

THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

SUSAN, YOU CAN'T
FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT, JACKSON?
YOU'RE NOT GONNA SAY ANYTHING

I HAVEN'T ALREADY HEARD
A MILLION TIMES.

I-I ONLY TOLD YOU
BECAUSE I...

I JUST
WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND

WHY I CAN'T
LET YOU IN MY LIFE.

WELL... (sighs)

DO YOU MIND IF I HANG OUT
FOR THE NEXT FEW MONTHS

AND SEE IF
YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND?

YEAH, I GUESS
I COULD HANDLE THAT.

(cheers and applause)

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU...

GO HAVE FUN
WITH YOUR FRIENDS?

AND JUST CALL ME
WHEN YOU'RE FREE.

OKAY.

(liquid bubbling)

(voice breaks) PLEASE, DANIELLE.
YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TAKE HIM.

I HAVE EVERY RIGHT.
HE'S MY KID.

DANIELLE,
WE AGREED I WOULD RAISE HIM.

WE AGREED
IT WOULD BE BEST!

YOU SAID IT WOULD BE BEST!
I'VE HAD NO SAY IN ANYTHING!

BUT I AM MARRIED NOW,
AND LEO'S A LAWYER.

SO DO YOURSELF A FAVOR
AND DON'T TRY TO FIGHT THIS!

PLEASE, DANIELLE, WE CAN HAVE
ANY ARRANGEMENT YOU LIKE.

PLEASE, JUST DON'T TAKE HIM!

FOR GOD SAKES, ORSON'S GONE.

YOU KIDS ARE GROWN.
BENJAMIN'S ALL I HAVE!

YOU'RE JUST GONNA
HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING ELSE.

HONEY, COME TO BED.
IT'S AFTER 2:00.

(closes drawer)

THE COOKING SHOW
AGREED TO REDO MY SEGMENT.

I WANNA MAKE SURE
IT'S PERFECT THIS TIME.

WELL, I WON'T TELL YOU
HOW TO RUN YOUR BUSINESS.

IT'S YOUR BABY.

(sighs) YES, IT IS.

(horn honks, tires screech)

(loud crash)

(speaks inaudibly)

HEY. UM, M.J. READY?

YEAH, HE'S UPSTAIRS
WAITING FOR YOU.

I TOLD YOU
THE BRAKES WERE SQUEAKING.

I ASKED YOU
TO GET THEM CHECKED.
AND I CHECKED 'EM!

I MEANT A MECHANIC...
(scoffs)

NOT YOU.
IT WAS NOT THE BRAKES, SUSAN.

IF IT HAD BEEN,
IT WOULDN'T HAVE MATTERED.

THEY CRASHED INTO US!
AND WE KILLED THEM, MIKE!

WE DIDN'T KILL THEM!
THEY DIED.

THEY WERE
A MOTHER AND A CHILD.

SHE WAS A MOTHER,
JUST LIKE ME...

(voice breaks)
WITH A CHILD JUST LIKE OURS.

AND IF IT WEREN'T FOR US,
THEY WOULD STILL BE ALIVE.

YEAH, WE HAVE BEEN
OVER AND OVER THIS, SUSAN.

IT'S--IT'S LIKE
YOU WANT TO SUFFER.
IT'S LIKE
YOU DON'T CARE AT ALL,

LIKE YOU FEEL NOTHING
FOR THOSE PEOPLE.

I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN!
I JUST CAN'T!

(door slams)

HEY. DID YOU PACK
YOUR DINOSAUR BOOK

SO YOU CAN READ IT
WITH YOUR DADDY?
SURE DID.

OH, GOOD. MMM.

OKAY, YOU HAVE FUN,
SWEETIE.

SO, UM, I'LL PROBABLY BRING HIM
BACK SUNDAY AROUND 6:00 OR SO.

FINE.

WELL, HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND.
DOING ANYTHING SPECIAL?

WELL, I'VE SORT OF
STARTED SEEING SOMEONE.

SO I MIGHT DO SOMETHING
WITH HIM.

GOOD FOR YOU.

(whispers) YEAH.

IT GOES BY SO QUICKLY.

IN A FLASH,

THE LIFE WE KNEW
IS GONE FOREVER.

AND WE'RE LEFT
TO ASK OURSELVES...

HOW COULD HE HAVE LEFT ME?

WHEN DID MY BEAUTY
START TO FADE?

WHY HAS MY FRIEND CHANGED?

WAS I THE BEST MOTHER
I COULD HAVE BEEN?

OF COURSE,
THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE

WHO UNDERSTAND
HOW QUICKLY TIME PASSES.

(cell phone ringing)

THAT'S WHY
THEY'RE SO DETERMINED

TO GET WHAT THEY WANT

BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

(cell phone beeps)

OH, DR. HELLER.
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO CALL YOU.

YEAH,
I WAS GETTING CONCERNED.

YOU'RE REQUIRED
TO CHECK IN ONCE A MONTH.

IT WAS A CONDITION
OF YOUR RELEASE.

OH, COME ON.
THAT WAS A YEAR AGO.

BUT TO BE HONEST,
THE MEDS ARE WORKING SO WELL,

I KINDA FORGOT ABOUT YOU.
NO OFFENSE.

DAVE, ONCE A MONTH.
NOT OPTIONAL.

MESSAGE RECEIVED, DOC.

BUT SERIOUSLY, YOU DON'T NEED
TO WORRY ABOUT ME. I'M GREAT.

I'LL TALK TO YOU
IN A MONTH.
(shuts cell phone)

(click)
JUST TELL ME.

WHAT ARE THE MAGIC WORDS
THAT I'VE GOTTA SAY

SO YOU WILL
LET ME OUT OF HERE?
(Dr. Heller) DAVE,
YOU'VE BEEN HERE SIX WEEKS,

AND YOU DON'T SEEM
ANY CLOSER

TO COMING TO TERMS
WITH YOUR RAGE.
I'VE COME TO TERMS WITH IT,

AND I LIKE IT
JUST THE WAY IT IS.

THE CHARGES WERE DROPPED
BECAUSE YOU AGREED

TO PUT YOURSELF
IN A DOCTOR'S CARE.

I'M NOT GOING TO
AUTHORIZE YOUR RELEASE

UNTIL I SEE
SOME REAL PROGRESS.

WH-WHAT'S PROGRESS SUPPOSED
TO LOOK LIKE TO YOU, DOC?

I MEAN, SHOULD I JUST PLASTER
SOME FAKE SMILE ON MY FACE

AND PRETEND THIS--THIS THING
THAT'S INSIDE ME

ISN'T EATIN' ME ALIVE?

'CAUSE I CAN DO THAT
IF YOU WANT.
I NEED TO MAKE SURE

YOU'RE NOT A DANGER
TO YOURSELF OR TO OTHERS.

LISTEN, I'VE NEVER BEEN
A DANGER TO MYSELF.

AND AS FAR AS THE OTHERS
ARE CONCERNED,

THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON
WHO SHOULD BE WORRIED.