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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,460 [MUSIC PLAYING] 2 00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:15,060 INSTRUCTOR: One of the questions that people often 3 00:00:15,060 --> 00:00:18,420 ask about trust is, how does it get built? 4 00:00:18,420 --> 00:00:20,490 How do we develop trust? 5 00:00:20,490 --> 00:00:24,030 What do you need to feel trusting? 6 00:00:24,030 --> 00:00:25,950 When have you felt trust? 7 00:00:25,950 --> 00:00:28,330 What are the experiences that accompany 8 00:00:28,330 --> 00:00:30,450 the word "trust" for you? 9 00:00:30,450 --> 00:00:32,310 Are you going to say, the fact that I 10 00:00:32,310 --> 00:00:37,090 can rely on you, that you're there for me, that you show up? 11 00:00:37,090 --> 00:00:40,020 Look at all these expressions-- that you have my back, 12 00:00:40,020 --> 00:00:41,850 that I can lean on you? 13 00:00:41,850 --> 00:00:43,740 When I think of the word "trust," 14 00:00:43,740 --> 00:00:47,310 I always think of this game that we played on the beach 15 00:00:47,310 --> 00:00:50,220 as kids, where there was a circle of people, 16 00:00:50,220 --> 00:00:52,450 and then one person was in the center, 17 00:00:52,450 --> 00:00:55,500 and they had to let themselves fall and be picked up 18 00:00:55,500 --> 00:00:58,020 by the other person and close their eyes 19 00:00:58,020 --> 00:01:00,450 and let themselves go and know that they 20 00:01:00,450 --> 00:01:03,820 would be held up so that they wouldn't hit the ground. 21 00:01:03,820 --> 00:01:05,790 You won't let me fall. 22 00:01:05,790 --> 00:01:08,130 You have my back, literally. 23 00:01:08,130 --> 00:01:12,010 You are supporting and sustaining me. 24 00:01:12,010 --> 00:01:13,540 What is it for you? 25 00:01:13,540 --> 00:01:16,990 Trust is one of these concepts that suffers 26 00:01:16,990 --> 00:01:19,180 from a definition of vagueness. 27 00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:24,100 We all know when we feel it, and we all know when we don't. 28 00:01:24,100 --> 00:01:25,900 But what is it? 29 00:01:25,900 --> 00:01:27,870 Is it a feeling? 30 00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:29,760 Is it a condition? 31 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:31,710 Is it an outcome? 32 00:01:31,710 --> 00:01:33,780 Is it a state? 33 00:01:33,780 --> 00:01:35,190 What is trust? 34 00:01:35,190 --> 00:01:37,710 And the research is all over the place. 35 00:01:37,710 --> 00:01:40,110 At the end of many, many, many papers, 36 00:01:40,110 --> 00:01:43,020 what you hear is the sentence, the research 37 00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:46,860 could use more research on how to define trust. 38 00:01:46,860 --> 00:01:49,950 Trust is physical. 39 00:01:49,950 --> 00:01:53,200 It's an embodied experience. 40 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,060 It's emotional. 41 00:01:55,060 --> 00:01:56,440 It's mental. 42 00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:58,540 And, for many people, it's also spiritual. 43 00:01:58,540 --> 00:02:00,440 [MUSIC PLAYING] 44 00:02:05,390 --> 00:02:07,760 This very important question around trust 45 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:11,090 is the relationship between trust and risk. 46 00:02:11,090 --> 00:02:16,040 Some people say that you need to trust someone 47 00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:22,310 before you are feeling okay to take risks with that person. 48 00:02:22,310 --> 00:02:25,040 But some people will say-- and this is how the research 49 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:26,900 divides around trust as well-- 50 00:02:26,900 --> 00:02:32,330 that it is actually by taking risks that the trust develops. 51 00:02:32,330 --> 00:02:34,700 For example, trusting in order to risk-- 52 00:02:34,700 --> 00:02:41,750 I need to know that you will not abandon me, reject me, laugh 53 00:02:41,750 --> 00:02:44,270 at me if I talk to you about something that 54 00:02:44,270 --> 00:02:46,610 is deeply personal, if I come out 55 00:02:46,610 --> 00:02:51,920 to you, if I tell you about a certain medical condition 56 00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:52,760 that I have. 57 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:57,410 Do I wait till I trust you more-- more 58 00:02:57,410 --> 00:02:59,780 is the important piece-- before I reveal 59 00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:01,940 those things about myself? 60 00:03:01,940 --> 00:03:04,610 Or is it the very act of revealing 61 00:03:04,610 --> 00:03:08,810 these things about myself to you and your response 62 00:03:08,810 --> 00:03:12,560 to me that will be the actual developing 63 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,260 of the trust in the moment? 64 00:03:15,260 --> 00:03:18,290 Rachel Botsman, who studied trust, 65 00:03:18,290 --> 00:03:23,510 has a beautiful line where she says, "Trust is an confident 66 00:03:23,510 --> 00:03:24,910 engagement with the unknown." 67 00:03:28,770 --> 00:03:33,610 If you need to know you're not trusting, trust in itself 68 00:03:33,610 --> 00:03:36,350 is a leap of faith. 69 00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:40,060 So do you need to have trust first to then take risks, 70 00:03:40,060 --> 00:03:42,610 or is it the act of engaging with risk 71 00:03:42,610 --> 00:03:45,070 that actually builds the trust? 72 00:03:45,070 --> 00:03:46,780 I'm going to put the question forward 73 00:03:46,780 --> 00:03:52,180 to you, not to answer it, but to actually reflect, think, 74 00:03:52,180 --> 00:03:56,320 and discuss with those people that are close to you about it. 75 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,820 [MUSIC PLAYING] 76 00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:07,430 In a relationship, there are certain small steps 77 00:04:07,430 --> 00:04:11,000 that we take that actually confirm 78 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,760 or disconfirm the development of trust. 79 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:17,240 So I call them micro risks. 80 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:22,610 In my experience, I will encourage taking risks 81 00:04:22,610 --> 00:04:28,580 to a certain degree, depending on the experience of violation 82 00:04:28,580 --> 00:04:31,700 of trust that the person has had. 83 00:04:31,700 --> 00:04:35,630 If I'm going to say to a person who experienced deep betrayal 84 00:04:35,630 --> 00:04:39,270 and trauma around breaches of trust to take risks, 85 00:04:39,270 --> 00:04:41,040 I need to be very careful. 86 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:45,470 But, interestingly, what I experience as a tiny risk, 87 00:04:45,470 --> 00:04:48,360 another person may experience as a very big risk. 88 00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:51,770 So the word risk itself is also very relative. 89 00:04:51,770 --> 00:04:53,900 You have got to think about the person you're 90 00:04:53,900 --> 00:04:57,670 speaking to to know what they consider is risk taking. 91 00:04:57,665 --> 00:04:59,535 [MUSIC PLAYING] 92 00:05:04,510 --> 00:05:09,760 A micro risk may be that I say something about me that I have 93 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:11,380 not shared with you before. 94 00:05:11,380 --> 00:05:14,320 A micro risk may be that I see something about you 95 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:16,060 that I have not shared before. 96 00:05:16,060 --> 00:05:19,390 A micro risk for some people may be the challenge 97 00:05:19,390 --> 00:05:25,950 of saying no or the challenge of asking for something, which 98 00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:31,710 I typically don't do, or the challenge of saying yes 99 00:05:31,710 --> 00:05:34,690 to something that I want and make it very clear, 100 00:05:34,690 --> 00:05:36,510 which is something I typically don't do. 101 00:05:36,510 --> 00:05:38,380 It's not the specific thing. 102 00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:42,340 It's the fact that it's the thing that I don't usually do. 103 00:05:42,340 --> 00:05:43,860 And that is the risk. 104 00:05:43,860 --> 00:05:45,840 I put that forward. 105 00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:49,710 And your response to it-- trust is really-- 106 00:05:49,710 --> 00:05:52,500 it's an experience that is built through mutuality 107 00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:53,700 and reciprocity. 108 00:05:53,700 --> 00:05:56,940 It's not just the fact that I revealed it to you. 109 00:05:56,940 --> 00:06:01,330 It's how you respond to it that says, it's okay. 110 00:06:01,330 --> 00:06:02,470 I'm here. 111 00:06:02,470 --> 00:06:03,820 I'm not going anywhere. 112 00:06:03,820 --> 00:06:04,590 You can do this. 113 00:06:04,590 --> 00:06:06,210 I actually appreciate it. 114 00:06:06,210 --> 00:06:07,800 Do it again. 115 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:12,360 That kind of messaging that you can say with words 116 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:16,350 or just convey with your eyes says to the other person 117 00:06:16,350 --> 00:06:18,030 you're on safe territory. 118 00:06:18,030 --> 00:06:21,030 The more risks you take, the safer you will feel. 119 00:06:21,030 --> 00:06:23,790 The safer you feel, the more risks you will take. 120 00:06:23,790 --> 00:06:25,540 [MUSIC PLAYING] 121 00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:35,700 One of the most painful experiences in the relationship 122 00:06:35,700 --> 00:06:41,040 is the betrayal of trust, the violation of trust. 123 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:45,720 It has such shattering consequences. 124 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:49,470 It breaks the entire worldview of a person. 125 00:06:49,470 --> 00:06:52,650 One of the ways you understand what trust was 126 00:06:52,650 --> 00:06:56,310 is how people react when trust is broken. 127 00:06:56,310 --> 00:06:58,650 I thought I knew you. 128 00:06:58,650 --> 00:07:01,140 I thought I could count on you. 129 00:07:01,140 --> 00:07:03,360 I thought you were there for me. 130 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:07,470 How dare you be so selfish and put your interests first. 131 00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:09,570 And did you not think of me? 132 00:07:09,570 --> 00:07:12,150 Did I not exist for you? 133 00:07:12,150 --> 00:07:15,570 The intensity of it, the raw grief 134 00:07:15,570 --> 00:07:18,090 and rage on the breaking of trust 135 00:07:18,090 --> 00:07:21,960 is a testimony to the importance and the power of trust. 136 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,810 [MUSIC PLAYING] 137 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:34,750 What are some of the typical situations 138 00:07:34,750 --> 00:07:36,910 of breaches of trust? 139 00:07:36,910 --> 00:07:39,670 You lied to me. 140 00:07:39,670 --> 00:07:42,150 You told me you would be there, and you were not. 141 00:07:42,145 --> 00:07:44,475 You abandoned me. 142 00:07:44,470 --> 00:07:46,770 I thought you would show up for me, and you were not. 143 00:07:46,765 --> 00:07:49,485 You used the money that we made together, 144 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:51,430 and you spent it on yourself. 145 00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:54,490 You were supposed to protect me, and you were nowhere 146 00:07:54,490 --> 00:07:55,600 to be found. 147 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:59,620 You were supposed to prevent danger from hitting me, 148 00:07:59,620 --> 00:08:02,640 and you were not able to. 149 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:05,820 All these situations are betrayals of trust. 150 00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:08,280 And the question is always asked, 151 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:11,520 can you repair trust that is broken? 152 00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:14,910 Ruptures exist in relationships all the time. 153 00:08:14,910 --> 00:08:18,960 What helps the most is to really ground ourselves in reality. 154 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:20,400 Who am I now? 155 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,050 Who is here now? 156 00:08:22,050 --> 00:08:25,080 But often, when we have experienced 157 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:28,930 violations of trust, the past is right there. 158 00:08:28,930 --> 00:08:32,820 And so when we ask, how do we mend broken trust, 159 00:08:32,820 --> 00:08:36,210 it's not just what you're doing to me today 160 00:08:36,210 --> 00:08:40,800 that's determining how I respond to the aggrievement. 161 00:08:40,799 --> 00:08:44,969 It's also how I have experienced trust and violations of trust 162 00:08:44,970 --> 00:08:47,730 throughout my whole life that will determine 163 00:08:47,730 --> 00:08:49,980 how I react to you now. 164 00:08:49,980 --> 00:08:52,950 And sometimes, I think, it depends a little bit, 165 00:08:52,950 --> 00:08:56,110 like when you drop a plate, and it 166 00:08:56,110 --> 00:08:58,040 has a big crack in the middle. 167 00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:02,320 And, sometimes, you can glue it, and it will stick together. 168 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:05,080 You will always see the crack. 169 00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:08,540 But you can use the plate for a whole lifetime. 170 00:09:08,540 --> 00:09:10,900 And, sometimes, it's in splinters, 171 00:09:10,900 --> 00:09:14,170 and there is no way to put it back together. 172 00:09:14,170 --> 00:09:16,360 And then there is also the Japanese art 173 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:19,630 of kintsugi, where you take broken plates with all 174 00:09:19,630 --> 00:09:22,550 the small pieces and you put it back together, 175 00:09:22,550 --> 00:09:27,790 but not to restore the old one, but to create a new one. 176 00:09:27,790 --> 00:09:30,100 And it becomes a piece of art in and of itself. 177 00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:32,430 [MUSIC PLAYING] 178 00:09:38,570 --> 00:09:44,220 In my opinion, the first time when you trust, 179 00:09:44,220 --> 00:09:47,790 you are unguarded sometimes, and you are a little bit more blind 180 00:09:47,790 --> 00:09:48,810 about it. 181 00:09:48,810 --> 00:09:51,360 The second time when you trust, you 182 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:53,400 trust with a little bit more of what 183 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:56,710 we call a secondary naivete. 184 00:09:56,710 --> 00:09:59,230 You use the plate, but you're just 185 00:09:59,230 --> 00:10:01,330 slightly more careful with that plate 186 00:10:01,330 --> 00:10:04,240 because you know that it has a crack in the middle. 187 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:09,070 It is quite remarkable to see how trust, when it breaks, 188 00:10:09,070 --> 00:10:13,400 it feels shattered and unable to ever be put back together. 189 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:17,380 But, in fact, it is quite malleable for some of us. 190 00:10:17,380 --> 00:10:23,560 In life and new experiencing, like grafting new cells on top, 191 00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:26,620 slowly allow us to re-experience the trust again. 192 00:10:26,620 --> 00:10:28,910 [MUSIC PLAYING] 193 00:10:33,390 --> 00:10:35,940 My first question to you is going to be this-- 194 00:10:35,940 --> 00:10:39,720 on the spectrum between trust and risk, 195 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:45,640 do you see yourself as someone who needs to trust first? 196 00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:48,460 Or do you see yourself more as someone who 197 00:10:48,460 --> 00:10:52,540 is more quick at taking risks? 198 00:10:52,540 --> 00:10:57,890 Take a moment to pause, and jot it down for yourself. 199 00:10:57,890 --> 00:11:00,170 I don't think there is a right one in the wrong one. 200 00:11:00,170 --> 00:11:03,950 But it's very informative to you once you know which you are. 201 00:11:03,950 --> 00:11:07,310 If you are a person who finds yourself 202 00:11:07,310 --> 00:11:11,210 too often instantly trusting people, 203 00:11:11,210 --> 00:11:13,550 you open your house to them. 204 00:11:13,550 --> 00:11:15,170 You open your heart to them. 205 00:11:15,170 --> 00:11:17,750 You open your wallet to them you. 206 00:11:17,750 --> 00:11:19,920 You just share everything instantly, 207 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:25,850 and you don't enough check who are you doing this with, 208 00:11:25,850 --> 00:11:28,820 meaning you're taking risks without even realizing 209 00:11:28,820 --> 00:11:31,310 how many risks you take. 210 00:11:31,310 --> 00:11:33,980 That's a way of saying you're trusting too soon. 211 00:11:33,980 --> 00:11:36,920 You're trusting because you have such a need, 212 00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:40,190 but you're not really looking at the reality around you. 213 00:11:40,190 --> 00:11:42,590 The relationship between risk and trust 214 00:11:42,590 --> 00:11:46,400 gets more clear for us if we are really 215 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:50,360 able to ground ourselves in the reality of the here and now. 216 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:53,660 And then, what are some risks that you 217 00:11:53,660 --> 00:11:55,730 wish you would take and have been 218 00:11:55,730 --> 00:11:58,530 reluctant or avoidant to do so? 219 00:11:58,530 --> 00:12:02,570 And what are the trust issues that stand in the way for you? 220 00:12:02,570 --> 00:12:04,070 What's your fear? 221 00:12:04,070 --> 00:12:08,460 I'm going to ask you to take a risk about the risk, 222 00:12:08,460 --> 00:12:11,540 meaning do a small step. 223 00:12:11,540 --> 00:12:14,030 Don't try not to be afraid. 224 00:12:14,030 --> 00:12:15,440 Go with the fear. 225 00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:17,060 Let the fear lead you. 226 00:12:17,060 --> 00:12:19,460 It is understandable and normal and common 227 00:12:19,460 --> 00:12:20,690 that you have the fear. 228 00:12:20,690 --> 00:12:23,960 Don't wait till you're not afraid to do it. 229 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,720 You're doing it while you are afraid because it's 230 00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:30,020 only in the doing and in the positive experience of it 231 00:12:30,020 --> 00:12:32,720 that the fear will diminish. 232 00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:35,540 Building trust is going to look a little different for each 233 00:12:35,540 --> 00:12:38,120 of us because we all have different histories 234 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:41,300 and experiences that shape our ability to trust 235 00:12:41,300 --> 00:12:43,460 as we go through life. 236 00:12:43,460 --> 00:12:46,070 For me, the keys to building trust 237 00:12:46,070 --> 00:12:51,080 are to define what trust means to you, to ground yourself 238 00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:53,990 into a reality of a here and now, 239 00:12:53,990 --> 00:12:58,570 and you motivate yourself to take micro risks. 17870

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