Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,460
[MUSIC PLAYING]
2
00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:15,060
INSTRUCTOR: One of the
questions that people often
3
00:00:15,060 --> 00:00:18,420
ask about trust is,
how does it get built?
4
00:00:18,420 --> 00:00:20,490
How do we develop trust?
5
00:00:20,490 --> 00:00:24,030
What do you need
to feel trusting?
6
00:00:24,030 --> 00:00:25,950
When have you felt trust?
7
00:00:25,950 --> 00:00:28,330
What are the experiences
that accompany
8
00:00:28,330 --> 00:00:30,450
the word "trust" for you?
9
00:00:30,450 --> 00:00:32,310
Are you going to
say, the fact that I
10
00:00:32,310 --> 00:00:37,090
can rely on you, that you're
there for me, that you show up?
11
00:00:37,090 --> 00:00:40,020
Look at all these expressions--
that you have my back,
12
00:00:40,020 --> 00:00:41,850
that I can lean on you?
13
00:00:41,850 --> 00:00:43,740
When I think of
the word "trust,"
14
00:00:43,740 --> 00:00:47,310
I always think of this game
that we played on the beach
15
00:00:47,310 --> 00:00:50,220
as kids, where there
was a circle of people,
16
00:00:50,220 --> 00:00:52,450
and then one person
was in the center,
17
00:00:52,450 --> 00:00:55,500
and they had to let themselves
fall and be picked up
18
00:00:55,500 --> 00:00:58,020
by the other person
and close their eyes
19
00:00:58,020 --> 00:01:00,450
and let themselves
go and know that they
20
00:01:00,450 --> 00:01:03,820
would be held up so that
they wouldn't hit the ground.
21
00:01:03,820 --> 00:01:05,790
You won't let me fall.
22
00:01:05,790 --> 00:01:08,130
You have my back, literally.
23
00:01:08,130 --> 00:01:12,010
You are supporting
and sustaining me.
24
00:01:12,010 --> 00:01:13,540
What is it for you?
25
00:01:13,540 --> 00:01:16,990
Trust is one of these
concepts that suffers
26
00:01:16,990 --> 00:01:19,180
from a definition of vagueness.
27
00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:24,100
We all know when we feel it,
and we all know when we don't.
28
00:01:24,100 --> 00:01:25,900
But what is it?
29
00:01:25,900 --> 00:01:27,870
Is it a feeling?
30
00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:29,760
Is it a condition?
31
00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:31,710
Is it an outcome?
32
00:01:31,710 --> 00:01:33,780
Is it a state?
33
00:01:33,780 --> 00:01:35,190
What is trust?
34
00:01:35,190 --> 00:01:37,710
And the research is
all over the place.
35
00:01:37,710 --> 00:01:40,110
At the end of many,
many, many papers,
36
00:01:40,110 --> 00:01:43,020
what you hear is the
sentence, the research
37
00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:46,860
could use more research
on how to define trust.
38
00:01:46,860 --> 00:01:49,950
Trust is physical.
39
00:01:49,950 --> 00:01:53,200
It's an embodied experience.
40
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,060
It's emotional.
41
00:01:55,060 --> 00:01:56,440
It's mental.
42
00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:58,540
And, for many people,
it's also spiritual.
43
00:01:58,540 --> 00:02:00,440
[MUSIC PLAYING]
44
00:02:05,390 --> 00:02:07,760
This very important
question around trust
45
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:11,090
is the relationship
between trust and risk.
46
00:02:11,090 --> 00:02:16,040
Some people say that you
need to trust someone
47
00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:22,310
before you are feeling okay to
take risks with that person.
48
00:02:22,310 --> 00:02:25,040
But some people will say--
and this is how the research
49
00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:26,900
divides around trust as well--
50
00:02:26,900 --> 00:02:32,330
that it is actually by taking
risks that the trust develops.
51
00:02:32,330 --> 00:02:34,700
For example, trusting
in order to risk--
52
00:02:34,700 --> 00:02:41,750
I need to know that you will
not abandon me, reject me, laugh
53
00:02:41,750 --> 00:02:44,270
at me if I talk to you
about something that
54
00:02:44,270 --> 00:02:46,610
is deeply personal,
if I come out
55
00:02:46,610 --> 00:02:51,920
to you, if I tell you about
a certain medical condition
56
00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:52,760
that I have.
57
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:57,410
Do I wait till I
trust you more-- more
58
00:02:57,410 --> 00:02:59,780
is the important
piece-- before I reveal
59
00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:01,940
those things about myself?
60
00:03:01,940 --> 00:03:04,610
Or is it the very
act of revealing
61
00:03:04,610 --> 00:03:08,810
these things about myself
to you and your response
62
00:03:08,810 --> 00:03:12,560
to me that will be
the actual developing
63
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,260
of the trust in the moment?
64
00:03:15,260 --> 00:03:18,290
Rachel Botsman,
who studied trust,
65
00:03:18,290 --> 00:03:23,510
has a beautiful line where she
says, "Trust is an confident
66
00:03:23,510 --> 00:03:24,910
engagement with the unknown."
67
00:03:28,770 --> 00:03:33,610
If you need to know you're
not trusting, trust in itself
68
00:03:33,610 --> 00:03:36,350
is a leap of faith.
69
00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:40,060
So do you need to have trust
first to then take risks,
70
00:03:40,060 --> 00:03:42,610
or is it the act of
engaging with risk
71
00:03:42,610 --> 00:03:45,070
that actually builds the trust?
72
00:03:45,070 --> 00:03:46,780
I'm going to put
the question forward
73
00:03:46,780 --> 00:03:52,180
to you, not to answer it, but
to actually reflect, think,
74
00:03:52,180 --> 00:03:56,320
and discuss with those people
that are close to you about it.
75
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,820
[MUSIC PLAYING]
76
00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:07,430
In a relationship, there
are certain small steps
77
00:04:07,430 --> 00:04:11,000
that we take that
actually confirm
78
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,760
or disconfirm the
development of trust.
79
00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:17,240
So I call them micro risks.
80
00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:22,610
In my experience, I will
encourage taking risks
81
00:04:22,610 --> 00:04:28,580
to a certain degree, depending
on the experience of violation
82
00:04:28,580 --> 00:04:31,700
of trust that the
person has had.
83
00:04:31,700 --> 00:04:35,630
If I'm going to say to a person
who experienced deep betrayal
84
00:04:35,630 --> 00:04:39,270
and trauma around breaches
of trust to take risks,
85
00:04:39,270 --> 00:04:41,040
I need to be very careful.
86
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:45,470
But, interestingly, what I
experience as a tiny risk,
87
00:04:45,470 --> 00:04:48,360
another person may experience
as a very big risk.
88
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:51,770
So the word risk itself
is also very relative.
89
00:04:51,770 --> 00:04:53,900
You have got to think
about the person you're
90
00:04:53,900 --> 00:04:57,670
speaking to to know what
they consider is risk taking.
91
00:04:57,665 --> 00:04:59,535
[MUSIC PLAYING]
92
00:05:04,510 --> 00:05:09,760
A micro risk may be that I say
something about me that I have
93
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:11,380
not shared with you before.
94
00:05:11,380 --> 00:05:14,320
A micro risk may be that
I see something about you
95
00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:16,060
that I have not shared before.
96
00:05:16,060 --> 00:05:19,390
A micro risk for some
people may be the challenge
97
00:05:19,390 --> 00:05:25,950
of saying no or the challenge
of asking for something, which
98
00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:31,710
I typically don't do, or
the challenge of saying yes
99
00:05:31,710 --> 00:05:34,690
to something that I want
and make it very clear,
100
00:05:34,690 --> 00:05:36,510
which is something I
typically don't do.
101
00:05:36,510 --> 00:05:38,380
It's not the specific thing.
102
00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:42,340
It's the fact that it's the
thing that I don't usually do.
103
00:05:42,340 --> 00:05:43,860
And that is the risk.
104
00:05:43,860 --> 00:05:45,840
I put that forward.
105
00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:49,710
And your response to
it-- trust is really--
106
00:05:49,710 --> 00:05:52,500
it's an experience that
is built through mutuality
107
00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:53,700
and reciprocity.
108
00:05:53,700 --> 00:05:56,940
It's not just the fact
that I revealed it to you.
109
00:05:56,940 --> 00:06:01,330
It's how you respond to
it that says, it's okay.
110
00:06:01,330 --> 00:06:02,470
I'm here.
111
00:06:02,470 --> 00:06:03,820
I'm not going anywhere.
112
00:06:03,820 --> 00:06:04,590
You can do this.
113
00:06:04,590 --> 00:06:06,210
I actually appreciate it.
114
00:06:06,210 --> 00:06:07,800
Do it again.
115
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:12,360
That kind of messaging
that you can say with words
116
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:16,350
or just convey with your
eyes says to the other person
117
00:06:16,350 --> 00:06:18,030
you're on safe territory.
118
00:06:18,030 --> 00:06:21,030
The more risks you take,
the safer you will feel.
119
00:06:21,030 --> 00:06:23,790
The safer you feel, the
more risks you will take.
120
00:06:23,790 --> 00:06:25,540
[MUSIC PLAYING]
121
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:35,700
One of the most painful
experiences in the relationship
122
00:06:35,700 --> 00:06:41,040
is the betrayal of trust,
the violation of trust.
123
00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:45,720
It has such shattering
consequences.
124
00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:49,470
It breaks the entire
worldview of a person.
125
00:06:49,470 --> 00:06:52,650
One of the ways you
understand what trust was
126
00:06:52,650 --> 00:06:56,310
is how people react
when trust is broken.
127
00:06:56,310 --> 00:06:58,650
I thought I knew you.
128
00:06:58,650 --> 00:07:01,140
I thought I could count on you.
129
00:07:01,140 --> 00:07:03,360
I thought you were there for me.
130
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:07,470
How dare you be so selfish
and put your interests first.
131
00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:09,570
And did you not think of me?
132
00:07:09,570 --> 00:07:12,150
Did I not exist for you?
133
00:07:12,150 --> 00:07:15,570
The intensity of
it, the raw grief
134
00:07:15,570 --> 00:07:18,090
and rage on the
breaking of trust
135
00:07:18,090 --> 00:07:21,960
is a testimony to the importance
and the power of trust.
136
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,810
[MUSIC PLAYING]
137
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:34,750
What are some of the
typical situations
138
00:07:34,750 --> 00:07:36,910
of breaches of trust?
139
00:07:36,910 --> 00:07:39,670
You lied to me.
140
00:07:39,670 --> 00:07:42,150
You told me you would be
there, and you were not.
141
00:07:42,145 --> 00:07:44,475
You abandoned me.
142
00:07:44,470 --> 00:07:46,770
I thought you would show up
for me, and you were not.
143
00:07:46,765 --> 00:07:49,485
You used the money
that we made together,
144
00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:51,430
and you spent it on yourself.
145
00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:54,490
You were supposed to protect
me, and you were nowhere
146
00:07:54,490 --> 00:07:55,600
to be found.
147
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:59,620
You were supposed to prevent
danger from hitting me,
148
00:07:59,620 --> 00:08:02,640
and you were not able to.
149
00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:05,820
All these situations
are betrayals of trust.
150
00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:08,280
And the question
is always asked,
151
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:11,520
can you repair trust
that is broken?
152
00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:14,910
Ruptures exist in
relationships all the time.
153
00:08:14,910 --> 00:08:18,960
What helps the most is to really
ground ourselves in reality.
154
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:20,400
Who am I now?
155
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,050
Who is here now?
156
00:08:22,050 --> 00:08:25,080
But often, when we
have experienced
157
00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:28,930
violations of trust,
the past is right there.
158
00:08:28,930 --> 00:08:32,820
And so when we ask, how
do we mend broken trust,
159
00:08:32,820 --> 00:08:36,210
it's not just what
you're doing to me today
160
00:08:36,210 --> 00:08:40,800
that's determining how I
respond to the aggrievement.
161
00:08:40,799 --> 00:08:44,969
It's also how I have experienced
trust and violations of trust
162
00:08:44,970 --> 00:08:47,730
throughout my whole
life that will determine
163
00:08:47,730 --> 00:08:49,980
how I react to you now.
164
00:08:49,980 --> 00:08:52,950
And sometimes, I think,
it depends a little bit,
165
00:08:52,950 --> 00:08:56,110
like when you drop
a plate, and it
166
00:08:56,110 --> 00:08:58,040
has a big crack in the middle.
167
00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:02,320
And, sometimes, you can glue
it, and it will stick together.
168
00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:05,080
You will always see the crack.
169
00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:08,540
But you can use the plate
for a whole lifetime.
170
00:09:08,540 --> 00:09:10,900
And, sometimes,
it's in splinters,
171
00:09:10,900 --> 00:09:14,170
and there is no way to
put it back together.
172
00:09:14,170 --> 00:09:16,360
And then there is
also the Japanese art
173
00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:19,630
of kintsugi, where you
take broken plates with all
174
00:09:19,630 --> 00:09:22,550
the small pieces and you
put it back together,
175
00:09:22,550 --> 00:09:27,790
but not to restore the old
one, but to create a new one.
176
00:09:27,790 --> 00:09:30,100
And it becomes a piece
of art in and of itself.
177
00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:32,430
[MUSIC PLAYING]
178
00:09:38,570 --> 00:09:44,220
In my opinion, the first
time when you trust,
179
00:09:44,220 --> 00:09:47,790
you are unguarded sometimes, and
you are a little bit more blind
180
00:09:47,790 --> 00:09:48,810
about it.
181
00:09:48,810 --> 00:09:51,360
The second time
when you trust, you
182
00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:53,400
trust with a little
bit more of what
183
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:56,710
we call a secondary naivete.
184
00:09:56,710 --> 00:09:59,230
You use the plate,
but you're just
185
00:09:59,230 --> 00:10:01,330
slightly more careful
with that plate
186
00:10:01,330 --> 00:10:04,240
because you know that it
has a crack in the middle.
187
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:09,070
It is quite remarkable to see
how trust, when it breaks,
188
00:10:09,070 --> 00:10:13,400
it feels shattered and unable
to ever be put back together.
189
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:17,380
But, in fact, it is quite
malleable for some of us.
190
00:10:17,380 --> 00:10:23,560
In life and new experiencing,
like grafting new cells on top,
191
00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:26,620
slowly allow us to
re-experience the trust again.
192
00:10:26,620 --> 00:10:28,910
[MUSIC PLAYING]
193
00:10:33,390 --> 00:10:35,940
My first question to you
is going to be this--
194
00:10:35,940 --> 00:10:39,720
on the spectrum
between trust and risk,
195
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:45,640
do you see yourself as someone
who needs to trust first?
196
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:48,460
Or do you see yourself
more as someone who
197
00:10:48,460 --> 00:10:52,540
is more quick at taking risks?
198
00:10:52,540 --> 00:10:57,890
Take a moment to pause, and
jot it down for yourself.
199
00:10:57,890 --> 00:11:00,170
I don't think there is a
right one in the wrong one.
200
00:11:00,170 --> 00:11:03,950
But it's very informative to
you once you know which you are.
201
00:11:03,950 --> 00:11:07,310
If you are a person
who finds yourself
202
00:11:07,310 --> 00:11:11,210
too often instantly
trusting people,
203
00:11:11,210 --> 00:11:13,550
you open your house to them.
204
00:11:13,550 --> 00:11:15,170
You open your heart to them.
205
00:11:15,170 --> 00:11:17,750
You open your
wallet to them you.
206
00:11:17,750 --> 00:11:19,920
You just share
everything instantly,
207
00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:25,850
and you don't enough check
who are you doing this with,
208
00:11:25,850 --> 00:11:28,820
meaning you're taking risks
without even realizing
209
00:11:28,820 --> 00:11:31,310
how many risks you take.
210
00:11:31,310 --> 00:11:33,980
That's a way of saying
you're trusting too soon.
211
00:11:33,980 --> 00:11:36,920
You're trusting because
you have such a need,
212
00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:40,190
but you're not really looking
at the reality around you.
213
00:11:40,190 --> 00:11:42,590
The relationship
between risk and trust
214
00:11:42,590 --> 00:11:46,400
gets more clear for
us if we are really
215
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:50,360
able to ground ourselves in the
reality of the here and now.
216
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:53,660
And then, what are
some risks that you
217
00:11:53,660 --> 00:11:55,730
wish you would
take and have been
218
00:11:55,730 --> 00:11:58,530
reluctant or avoidant to do so?
219
00:11:58,530 --> 00:12:02,570
And what are the trust issues
that stand in the way for you?
220
00:12:02,570 --> 00:12:04,070
What's your fear?
221
00:12:04,070 --> 00:12:08,460
I'm going to ask you to
take a risk about the risk,
222
00:12:08,460 --> 00:12:11,540
meaning do a small step.
223
00:12:11,540 --> 00:12:14,030
Don't try not to be afraid.
224
00:12:14,030 --> 00:12:15,440
Go with the fear.
225
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:17,060
Let the fear lead you.
226
00:12:17,060 --> 00:12:19,460
It is understandable
and normal and common
227
00:12:19,460 --> 00:12:20,690
that you have the fear.
228
00:12:20,690 --> 00:12:23,960
Don't wait till you're
not afraid to do it.
229
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,720
You're doing it while you
are afraid because it's
230
00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:30,020
only in the doing and in the
positive experience of it
231
00:12:30,020 --> 00:12:32,720
that the fear will diminish.
232
00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:35,540
Building trust is going to look
a little different for each
233
00:12:35,540 --> 00:12:38,120
of us because we all
have different histories
234
00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:41,300
and experiences that
shape our ability to trust
235
00:12:41,300 --> 00:12:43,460
as we go through life.
236
00:12:43,460 --> 00:12:46,070
For me, the keys
to building trust
237
00:12:46,070 --> 00:12:51,080
are to define what trust means
to you, to ground yourself
238
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:53,990
into a reality of
a here and now,
239
00:12:53,990 --> 00:12:58,570
and you motivate yourself
to take micro risks.
17870
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.