Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

INSTRUCTOR: One of the questions that people often

ask about trust is, how does it get built?

How do we develop trust?

What do you need to feel trusting?

When have you felt trust?

What are the experiences that accompany

the word "trust" for you?

Are you going to say, the fact that I

can rely on you, that you're there for me, that you show up?

Look at all these expressions-- that you have my back,

that I can lean on you?

When I think of the word "trust,"

I always think of this game that we played on the beach

as kids, where there was a circle of people,

and then one person was in the center,

and they had to let themselves fall and be picked up

by the other person and close their eyes

and let themselves go and know that they

would be held up so that they wouldn't hit the ground.

You won't let me fall.

You have my back, literally.

You are supporting and sustaining me.

What is it for you?

Trust is one of these concepts that suffers

from a definition of vagueness.

We all know when we feel it, and we all know when we don't.

But what is it?

Is it a feeling?

Is it a condition?

Is it an outcome?

Is it a state?

What is trust?

And the research is all over the place.

At the end of many, many, many papers,

what you hear is the sentence, the research

could use more research on how to define trust.

Trust is physical.

It's an embodied experience.

It's emotional.

It's mental.

And, for many people, it's also spiritual.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

This very important question around trust

is the relationship between trust and risk.

Some people say that you need to trust someone

before you are feeling okay to take risks with that person.

But some people will say-- and this is how the research

divides around trust as well--

that it is actually by taking risks that the trust develops.

For example, trusting in order to risk--

I need to know that you will not abandon me, reject me, laugh

at me if I talk to you about something that

is deeply personal, if I come out

to you, if I tell you about a certain medical condition

that I have.

Do I wait till I trust you more-- more

is the important piece-- before I reveal

those things about myself?

Or is it the very act of revealing

these things about myself to you and your response

to me that will be the actual developing

of the trust in the moment?

Rachel Botsman, who studied trust,

has a beautiful line where she says, "Trust is an confident

engagement with the unknown."

If you need to know you're not trusting, trust in itself

is a leap of faith.

So do you need to have trust first to then take risks,

or is it the act of engaging with risk

that actually builds the trust?

I'm going to put the question forward

to you, not to answer it, but to actually reflect, think,

and discuss with those people that are close to you about it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

In a relationship, there are certain small steps

that we take that actually confirm

or disconfirm the development of trust.

So I call them micro risks.

In my experience, I will encourage taking risks

to a certain degree, depending on the experience of violation

of trust that the person has had.

If I'm going to say to a person who experienced deep betrayal

and trauma around breaches of trust to take risks,

I need to be very careful.

But, interestingly, what I experience as a tiny risk,

another person may experience as a very big risk.

So the word risk itself is also very relative.

You have got to think about the person you're

speaking to to know what they consider is risk taking.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

A micro risk may be that I say something about me that I have

not shared with you before.

A micro risk may be that I see something about you

that I have not shared before.

A micro risk for some people may be the challenge

of saying no or the challenge of asking for something, which

I typically don't do, or the challenge of saying yes

to something that I want and make it very clear,

which is something I typically don't do.

It's not the specific thing.

It's the fact that it's the thing that I don't usually do.

And that is the risk.

I put that forward.

And your response to it-- trust is really--

it's an experience that is built through mutuality

and reciprocity.

It's not just the fact that I revealed it to you.

It's how you respond to it that says, it's okay.

I'm here.

I'm not going anywhere.

You can do this.

I actually appreciate it.

Do it again.

That kind of messaging that you can say with words

or just convey with your eyes says to the other person

you're on safe territory.

The more risks you take, the safer you will feel.

The safer you feel, the more risks you will take.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

One of the most painful experiences in the relationship

is the betrayal of trust, the violation of trust.

It has such shattering consequences.

It breaks the entire worldview of a person.

One of the ways you understand what trust was

is how people react when trust is broken.

I thought I knew you.

I thought I could count on you.

I thought you were there for me.

How dare you be so selfish and put your interests first.

And did you not think of me?

Did I not exist for you?

The intensity of it, the raw grief

and rage on the breaking of trust

is a testimony to the importance and the power of trust.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What are some of the typical situations

of breaches of trust?

You lied to me.

You told me you would be there, and you were not.

You abandoned me.

I thought you would show up for me, and you were not.

You used the money that we made together,

and you spent it on yourself.

You were supposed to protect me, and you were nowhere

to be found.

You were supposed to prevent danger from hitting me,

and you were not able to.

All these situations are betrayals of trust.

And the question is always asked,

can you repair trust that is broken?

Ruptures exist in relationships all the time.

What helps the most is to really ground ourselves in reality.

Who am I now?

Who is here now?

But often, when we have experienced

violations of trust, the past is right there.

And so when we ask, how do we mend broken trust,

it's not just what you're doing to me today

that's determining how I respond to the aggrievement.

It's also how I have experienced trust and violations of trust

throughout my whole life that will determine

how I react to you now.

And sometimes, I think, it depends a little bit,

like when you drop a plate, and it

has a big crack in the middle.

And, sometimes, you can glue it, and it will stick together.

You will always see the crack.

But you can use the plate for a whole lifetime.

And, sometimes, it's in splinters,

and there is no way to put it back together.

And then there is also the Japanese art

of kintsugi, where you take broken plates with all

the small pieces and you put it back together,

but not to restore the old one, but to create a new one.

And it becomes a piece of art in and of itself.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

In my opinion, the first time when you trust,

you are unguarded sometimes, and you are a little bit more blind

about it.

The second time when you trust, you

trust with a little bit more of what

we call a secondary naivete.

You use the plate, but you're just

slightly more careful with that plate

because you know that it has a crack in the middle.

It is quite remarkable to see how trust, when it breaks,

it feels shattered and unable to ever be put back together.

But, in fact, it is quite malleable for some of us.

In life and new experiencing, like grafting new cells on top,

slowly allow us to re-experience the trust again.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

My first question to you is going to be this--

on the spectrum between trust and risk,

do you see yourself as someone who needs to trust first?

Or do you see yourself more as someone who

is more quick at taking risks?

Take a moment to pause, and jot it down for yourself.

I don't think there is a right one in the wrong one.

But it's very informative to you once you know which you are.

If you are a person who finds yourself

too often instantly trusting people,

you open your house to them.

You open your heart to them.

You open your wallet to them you.

You just share everything instantly,

and you don't enough check who are you doing this with,

meaning you're taking risks without even realizing

how many risks you take.

That's a way of saying you're trusting too soon.

You're trusting because you have such a need,

but you're not really looking at the reality around you.

The relationship between risk and trust

gets more clear for us if we are really

able to ground ourselves in the reality of the here and now.

And then, what are some risks that you

wish you would take and have been

reluctant or avoidant to do so?

And what are the trust issues that stand in the way for you?

What's your fear?

I'm going to ask you to take a risk about the risk,

meaning do a small step.

Don't try not to be afraid.

Go with the fear.

Let the fear lead you.

It is understandable and normal and common

that you have the fear.

Don't wait till you're not afraid to do it.

You're doing it while you are afraid because it's

only in the doing and in the positive experience of it

that the fear will diminish.

Building trust is going to look a little different for each

of us because we all have different histories

and experiences that shape our ability to trust

as we go through life.

For me, the keys to building trust

are to define what trust means to you, to ground yourself

into a reality of a here and now,

and you motivate yourself to take micro risks.