All language subtitles for 02 Developing Self-Awareness.en

[PIANO]

Why is self-awareness
key to relational life?

Because it's so obvious
that it's almost difficult

to define it sometimes.

Because self-awareness
involves, first of

all, the idea that you
can look at yourself

and how you are acting and
reacting in relationships, how

you are communicating
in a relationship, how

you are showing up, or how
you are not and avoiding.

That piece of
self-knowledge is also

what gives you a sense
of looking at others

and being able to
understand them.

The question often is, do you
need to understand yourself

in order to understand others.

And my answer is yes.

[PIANO]

When you enter a relationship--
any relationship--

you bring with you an entire
history about relationships.

Instead of just bringing our
official résumé where we have

all the places where we have
studied and where we have

worked, we also all have an
alternative résumé that tells

the story of all the
other lessons of life.

There are other experiences
that we have accumulated.

But they are not usually
put on a professional résumé

because they're not perceived
as relevant to the job.

But in fact, they are the résumé
that we bring with us equally

every day when we
walk into the office.

And that alternative résumé is,
in part, the relational résumé.

What have been our
experiences, our expectations

about relationships,
the messages

that we received about how
central relationships are

or not.

And that whole history shows up.

And it will influence
the way we communicate,

the way we relate, the
way we deal with conflict,

the way we develop trust, the
way we establish boundaries.

Some of the major aspects of
relationships are all embedded

in this alternative
résumé that we bring.

Now, go to your Class Guide and
find the section on alternative

résumés because you're about
to start building your own.

There you can record your
answers to the questions

that I'll be asking you
throughout this lesson.

Questions such as, what
are some key markers

of your family history?

Do you tend to seek more
security and connection,

or do you lean more toward
freedom and independence?

Were you raised more for
autonomy and self-reliance

or more so for loyalty
and interdependence?

What are some of your
expectations in relationships?

And what stories are you
telling about yourself?

And what do these
stories reveal?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I've always thought
that when we talk

about relational intelligence,
the most important way to start

is to understand what
is a vocabulary, what

are the associations, the places
where you need to go and look

for information,
in order to develop

that kind of relational
self-awareness.

To go to history, to
go intergenerationally,

to look at cultural
transitions, is

extremely useful
for understanding

how relational thinking
and values evolve

in a particular family,
context, or culture.

Your parents, born here
or born abroad or one

of each, what brought them?

Did they come alone, or did they
come with family or community?

What changed in the way people
communicated to each other?

And most importantly, what
changed in arriving here,

in terms of the
importance of the self?

Relationships in your
family life growing up,

were they central or were they
peripheral, as you see it?

And the words are
voluntarily undefined so

that people can make their
own immediate associations.

What made it central?

Central how?

Peripheral how?

What made them less central?

Was it that people just
never really talked

about it much, that nobody
really visited this house much,

that there were not really
many friends for the parents

or for the children?

Everyone understands
the open door

versus the more closed door.

People coming in,
being invited in,

versus a certain kind of
reserve around the family.

But that has a direct
implication for relationships

as well.

So you can ask yourself.

if you look at your parents and
how they related to each other,

to their elders,
to their community,

how would you describe it?

If you look at your
grandparents and how

they relate to their
community, to their elders,

to the authorities around them,
how did that express itself?

And what shifted?

What changed, in terms
of number of children,

in terms of authority,
in terms of gender roles,

in terms of nuclearity of
the family versus broader

extended family?

A very good example for looking
at how relationships change

is the place of the
child in the family.

Intergenerationally,
I mean, everybody

has heard their parents
say, I would never

have talked like
this to my parents.

Why?

Because the place of
the child was different.

Because the relationship between
parent and child was different.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Take some time to
pause now and reflect.

So looking historically gives
you a mapping, a gradation

to highlight shifts and to
hone in on specificities

of relational thinking.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Most of us will either
think we grew up

with too much of something
or too little of something.

We grew up with too much
attention, too much intrusion,

sometimes, sadly,
too much violation.

And others may say, I grew
up with too much neglect,

abandonment, aloneness.

Everybody has two fundamental
sets of human needs.

We all need security, and
safety, and stability,

and predictability.

And we all also need freedom,
and adventure, and the ability

to experience change, and risk,
and novelty, and surprise.

Everybody wants connection, and
everybody needs separateness.

And many of us will come
out of our childhoods, some

of us wanting more connection,
more protection, more

togetherness, and some of
us needing more space, more

freedom, and more individuality.

Would you say, coming
out of your childhood,

that you were more in need
of connection and protection,

or would you say
that you were more

in need of freedom
and individuality?

And then, when you
look at that, how

did that influence the
choices that you made?

And how does it, in
particular, shape the way

that you react in
certain situations?

Not liking to be told what
to do, or yearning to be

told what to do.

Wanting to be left
to do it yourself,

or wondering why you are
left to be doing it yourself.

And onward like that.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I think one of the beautiful
questions of the unofficial

résumé, when it pertains to
relationships, is this one.

Were you raised for autonomy,
or were you raised for loyalty?

Meaning, were you
primarily educated

with the idea that
self-reliance is central,

that you've got your own legs to
stand on, that nobody will ever

know as well as you what
it is that you should do,

that if you have a
challenge or a problem,

you should deal
with it yourself.

People get the story.

They understand the messaging
that goes behind it.

And sometimes you are
raised for autonomy

because it's part of
a cultural legacy.

But sometimes it's
simply the outcome

of neglect and aloneness.

It's not always just
coming out of a vision

for life and a worldview.

Similarly, were you raised for
interdependence and loyalty?

Relationships matter.

People are there for you,
and you are there for them.

You owe them.

Duty is more important
than just if you like it

or if it suits you.

We have a sense of
obligation towards others,

and they have it towards us.

So your goal is less towards
autonomy and independence.

Your goal is more toward
integration and belonging.

Now, they're not either-or.

We all have both of these
fundamental human needs.

But many of us have a sense
as to what was the loudest

volume that we heard.

And then, you may
say, I changed.

I didn't stay the way I grew up.

But those are two orientations
towards relational foundation

that I think is a very good
entry point for many of us

as we start to think about
our relational self-awareness.

Would you say that you were
raised more so with a focus

towards autonomy or loyalty?

And then, write just
yourself, underneath,

what leads you to
this conclusion?

What were some of the messages,
the experiences, the values,

attitudes, beliefs that
supported this orientation?

How you ask for help,
how you compete,

how you tell people when you
struggle, or not, et cetera.

These are all part
of these two portals.

There is no right and wrong.

These are just reflections
about ourselves,

about a certain focus,
a certain orientation

towards relationship, that will
be very helpful in knowing more

about your own relational
self-awareness.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

When you enter a relationship,
you bring with you

your history of being
in a relationship

and what you were told about
being in relationships.

When you look at yourself
entering into a relationship,

you imagine yourself literally
entering a house, a place,

that you can call
the relationship.

What's the mood with
which you enter?

What is the set of expectations
with which you enter?

And do they vary?

Or do you notice that they
often are the same, regardless

of where you go
and who you meet?

Do you anticipate
that people will

want to hear what
you have to say,

or do you anticipate
that is not the case?

Are you more of a listener, and
you figure out where you are?

And then, once you've
understood the geography,

then you allow
yourself to come in?

Or would you say that you're
more someone who first goes in

and then, when you stumble
and you knock yourself

a few times, then
you suddenly wonder,

oh, maybe I should
look where I am.

And then you figure out
what is the geography here.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

From the moment you
come into this world,

we evolve, we change, we
experience conflict, crisis,

new development, transitions.

And all of these every
time bring us back

to rethink about how we
engage with relationships.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

In talking about
self-awareness, there

is the implication
of know thyself.

And so, many of us will think,
I know myself, I know my story.

But sometimes the stories that
we tell about ourselves also

have the risk of becoming
rigid, repetitious, narrow,

reductionistic.

And they actually become a
truth in and of themselves

just because we
keep telling them.

But that doesn't mean that
it's the only story that

exists about us.

So when you look at your own
relational self-awareness,

watch out not to fall into the
trap of constricting narratives

about yourselves, about
your relationships,

about others, that
don't allow you

for actual relational
self-awareness.

Questions that I love to ask
you, in this regard, are this--

what is a story that
I have told one too

many times about myself?

And maybe what is a story
that I should let go of?

And another question
would be, what

is a part of myself that
I need to break up with?

And sometimes, you will
notice that a part of yourself

that you need to break up with
is a belief about yourself.

And that belief is
wrapped into a story.

And therefore, stories,
beliefs, constrictions

are some of the main
things that hamper

a more fluid, a more evolving
experience of self-awareness.

You now have the foundation for
your own alternative résumé.

And that's a foundational
piece in the building blocks

of relational intelligence.

It broadens your
understanding of yourself.

It broadens your understanding
of how you interact with others

and how others
interact with you.

It broadens your
understanding of what

may be some of the
challenges that you

bring to your relationships.

And it broadens
your understanding

of what may be your strengths,
which you don't necessarily

value.

Because for many of us,
the things that come easy,

we just take for granted.

As you continue
through this class,

you may discover more about
yourself that you would like

to add to your
alternative résumé.

So be ready to take notes.

And let's dig in.