All language subtitles for The.Emperor.Waltza

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- Hello Countess.
- How did you get here?

Through the window,
forget to mail me my invitation.

- Go away.
- No.

- I said go away.
- And I said no.

What do you want now?

- I had to see you, just once more.
- I've nothing to say to you.

I don't want you to say
anything, I want you to listen.

- Can we go somewhere and talk?
- I hate you, despise you.

But you didn't always, there was a time
you loved me, wasn't there Countess?

Swine.

The Emperor will have them shot,
we had them shot, both of them.

Let me see.

That the lenses of these opera
glasses don't crack for shame.

Isn't that the daughter of Baron Holenia?

Yes, Johanna Augusta Franziska,
Countess Von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg.

- Disgracing every syllable of her name.
- But who is he?

- That's the man, that's the one.
- That's the who?

The man, haven't you heard?
Where in earth have you been?

In a mud bath in Bad Nauheim,
trying to cure my poor heart.

- Oh, I'd forgotten you heart.
- It's nothing. Oh, don't stop now.

Very well, you've asked for it.

It's a love affair that is
rocked all Vienna for four months.

Who? Who is he?

Most vulgar, impossible,
obnoxious, ill mannered...

- In one word, he's an American.
- No?

Yes and low even among Americans.
He's what they call a traveling salesman.

A traveling salesman and a baron's daughter?

You heard about the attempt
on the Emperor's life, that's the man.

Mercy.

He swindled an appointment with His Majesty
by presenting himself as a great potentate.

Later, it transpired he was
a very minor potentate...

in an American
organization known as the Shriners.

I remember the day he came here
to the palace with his nasty little dog...

and a mysterious, sinister black box.
Do you know what was in that box?

How are you today?

Will you follow me please?

Here, here Buttons, stop chewing that gum.

Here, give it to me, come here.

Scheherazade please, remember your manners.

And do stop fidgeting with your mustache.

I'm not nervous, I know perfectly well
why the Emperor summoned us.

So do I, found out you belong in jail.

Johanna, you're talking to your father.

It's why so depressing,
my own father, a scoundrel.

Mortgaging the mortgage on our
castle which was already mortgaged.

How was I to know about mortgages?
I'm not a businessman, I'm a general.

Then taking the money and
gambling it away in a single night.

I tell you the cards were marked.

Two duels already this season...

named as corespondent in the divorce
of some suburban pastry baker...

sued by young lady in the chorus at the opera
because you promised her the lead in Aida.

The little fool, I'm not the director
of the opera, I'm a general.

As I was trying to say 16 insults ago...

I don't believe the Emperor
summoned us on account of me at all.

- He summoned us on account of you.
- Me? What have I done?

I've an idea someone
is expressed an interest...

in you and the Emperor
wants to arrange a marriage.

Oh nonsense, his Majesty
knows I'm still in mourning.

Two years of mourning for a
husband you couldn't endure is enough.

Yes, I see a highly
satisfactory new marriage.

Some member of the Belgian
diplomatic corps or perhaps a Russian duke.

I like Russians, don't you?
Money just oozes from them.

And dear Papa, you
could always mortgage the Kremlin.

His Excellency the General Baron Holenia
and the Countess Von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg.

Oh Baron Holenia.

My dear Johanna, get up.

Sorry I can't kiss your hand, bad cold.

And how is Scheherazade?

You're wearing new perfume, aren't you?

Even I can smell it with my stuffed up nose.

Oh, sit down, do.

Louis, come on, say hello to Scheherazade.

Why do they always pick a damp day
for me to inaugurate a bridge...

or open a horticultural exhibition or...

Oh well, mustn't grumble.
It's the hazard of the profession.

If I may be permitted a suggestion, has Your
Majesty tried pine needles in boiling water.

- Inhaling the vapor under a towel?
- Pine needles? Certainly not.

Shouldn't want my whiskers to
smell like old Christmas trees.

Has anything particular come up lately?

You ask that? Look at my desk.

Reports, complaints,
unforgivable stupidities...

downright dishonesty, thievery.

Go on, look at them.

- I'd rather not Your Majesty.
- I don't blame you.

Now...

- do you know why I summoned you here today?
- Yes. I mean, no. I mean...

We have rather an inkling Your Majesty.

Then what are you looking so gloomy about?

- Don't you approve of the alliance?
- Alliance?

A marriage.

Do you or don't you know
what I'm talking about?

- Yes. I mean, no. I mean...
- We have rather an inkling Your Majesty.

This match means a great deal to me.

I've given it infinite thought, I've
looked up the blood lines on both sides.

- Fine, fine, one couldn't ask for better.
- Thank you Your Majesty.

I brought Johanna up
to realize that blood comes first.

What pleases me most,
both lines are very prolific.

- Oh, little embarrassing to talk about this.
- Not at all Your Majesty.

I anticipate superb offspring.

And I warn you, I'm going to be
a little greedy about them.

Greedy?

Oh, I'm a lonely man,
I've lost my wife, my son.

It'll warm my heart to see the
little things crawling around.

- A great honor.
- If there are five, I want three.

- Is that exorbitant?
- Your Majesty?

Johanna, don't be picayune if it'll
give the Emperor any happiness.

- Now, as for the bridegroom,
- Yes Your Majesty.

I think the union should be
brought about as quickly as possible.

Of course Your Majesty.

You see, Spry as he is,
he's a rather elderly gentleman.

- How old, Your Majesty.
- Twelve.

- Twelve?
- Johanna, what possible import...

twelve?

Well, not quite, he will be
on the seventh of September.

I suggest that the nuptials
take place in my kennels.

- Kennels?
- With all that barking going on?

Father, we're talking about the poodles.

His Majesty's dog is asking
for the paw of Scheherazade.

Oh, of course, I'm no fool.

Scheherazade,
did you hear of your engagement?

How do you like it? What do you say?

- How about a piece of sugar?
- I'd love it.

Buttons, come here, come here.
Pull yourself together.

You'll spoil the sale for me,
you want to eat, don't you?

Must've wound the mainspring too tight.

It's not supposed to
do that till I pull the switch.

It's a plot on the life of the
Emperor, a time bomb, that black box.

What's the matter?

Oh, I guess you'd like to know what this is.

I'm not telling, no sir.
I'm working on the Emperor first.

What a bang he's going to
get out of it, this is going to kill him.

Am I laughing? Got a match? Here we are.

He'll be in
sections, this is going to kill him.

You'll pardon my intrusion Your Majesty.

Will Your Majesty please
make all the haste possible?

- What is it now?
- A precautionary measure Your Majesty.

- There seems to be an assassin.
- Oh dear.

This gets to be such a bore, I'm sorry.

- Here, here now.
- What's the idea? Come here with that.

Hey, wait a minute. Here.
Hey you, wait, wait a minute.

- What's the matter with you? You crazy?
- You're under arrest.

- Let go of me and drop that dog, you dogs.
- Search him.

Now, who are your
confederates? We want every name.

Is this the Emperor's palace or a loony bin?

You came here as a
potentate, are you a potentate?

Well, I may have stretched things
a little but I'm a Shriner, paid up.

- You're a nihilist, that's what you are.
- I am not, I'm a Presbyterian.

A lie again, it
says here that you're a salesman.

Listen wabble-face, isn't it possible for a
guy to be a Presbyterian Shriner salesman?

- Now, you're trying to confuse me.
- I am also a registered Democrat a...

junior member of the Chamber of
Commerce, a sandlot third baseman, I'm not...

Not so fast.

I have to talk fast, if I don't, my
sample is going to rust in your fish pond.

Careful, it might explode.

- Well, I wish it would. It cannot.
- Can not, the powder's all wet.

Must be some new model
with, with a cannon attached.

And you must be an old windbag
with a blabbermouth attached.

I never saw such a bunch of ignoramuses.
Here Buttons, we'll show them the trademark.

Is that mean anything to you? It doesn't, eh?

Well, it's an invention, it's a talking
machine. A new kind of American thingamabob.

Here, watch this. We have a record,
we put it on the machine thus.

We start the works in this manner.
Drop the needle in that fashion.

We're ready to go, everybody listen.

Something wrong here.
Something must gone on, here.

Well, this is not standard equipment.

With Your Majesty's permission,
Your Majesty may come out now.

About time, I was beginning
to feel like a corkscrew.

- What was it this time?
- A false alarm Your Majesty.

An American salesman
trying to force his way in.

A most persistent breed these Americans.

There's was one who threw
himself in front of my carriage.

He was selling brushes, wanted
me to buy two for my whiskers.

Also a clothes brush, a shoe brush,
a nail brush and a tooth brush.

Incredible.

We finally bought a mop and
had him deported. Where were we now?

The dogs Your Majesty, we were
making the final arrangements.

Oh yes, Louis and I will be at my hunting
lodge in the Tyrol for the next three weeks.

I want you to come and stay with
me and bring Scheherazade along.

We are most honored, Your Majesty.

I think the happy couple will find
the mountain air quite invigorating.

As to transportation, have you any
objections to the horseless carriage?

None, whatever Your Majesty.

Then I'll send my automobile
to bring you up next Tuesday.

Goodbye Baron. Goodbye, my dear Johanna.

May I personally guarantee
Your Majesty a most glorious litter?

Thank you, I shall see you in the mountains.

Everybody return to his quarters.
No trades-person is permitted in the palace.

You'll pack up that squalling
abomination and leave at once.

Out. Out. Out.

No, no. Oh no, I don't. I'm
going to wait around here till it dries...

and then I'm going to show it to
the old boy, as per my appointment.

- To whom will you show it?
- To the Emperor.

And if you play ball, I won't tell him
what a monkey you made out of yourself.

You will never see the Emperor.

I'd protect His Majesty from that
object as I'd protect him from a bomb.

Now, you listen to me Chubby, I didn't
come all the way to Austria to...

run into that kind of guff,
I came here to put that

machine over and I'm going, you understand?
I want to sell 5,000, 20,000, 20,000.

Not in Austria I assure you.

We do not take to cheap, blatant innovations.

You're a bunch of dusty old aunties,
you're scared of anything new.

You wouldn't put in the
electric light, only the emperor did.

You wouldn't bought an
automobile, only the Emperor did.

Why, he's going to buy the first one of
these, you hear me, he's going to endorse it.

And when he does, you watch the sales
skyrocket. Yo-ho, they're going up.

And perhaps you will take
a photograph of our Emperor...

looking into that horn, in place of your dog.

Don't you realize this is...

the greatest thing that's happened
to the Holenia's in ten generations?

- But will it pay the butcher's bill?
- The bill, eh?

What butcher would dare present his
bill to the Emperor's brother in law?

- What was that?
- My poor demented daughter...

don't you realize we've just
become part of the Emperor's family?

All because of some
arrangement about puppies?

Certainly, thanks to those puppies
your father is now the most important...

man in the monarchy,
inseparable from the Emperor.

He and I will sit together
waiting for them to be born.

We'll feed the little
things with medicine droppers...

we'll spread newspapers for
them, we'll take them on walks.

I shall have the Emperor's ear and
advise him on matters of state.

I may become ambassador
to Paris or minister of finance...

Oh, not that Father.

As for you Johanna,
magnificent vistas have opened up.

What's wrong with the young king
of Spain? Or there's an English princeling.

Father, to return to the butcher,
how are we to provide a little meat...

for the bride if she's to be
kept alive for the happy event?

Don't be ridiculous, we now
have all the credit in the world.

So Vienna thought we've gone to the dogs?

Gone to the dogs indeed.

Stop dawdling, we've
endured your presence long enough.

Ah, your emperor's sideburns.

What do you doing now?
Disrobing in the palace grounds?

What a fussy old dude you are,
you're worse than a worm on a hot rock.

I'll give you exactly one more
minute to get that object out of here.

That's what's known
as Viennese charm Buttons.

If you ever see me order Wiener schnitzel
again, you can spit right in my eye.

Here Buttons, come back here.

- Hey Buttons...
- Go away, you nasty mongrel.

Here now, what are you up to here?
You bad dog, you hear.

What's the matter?

Hey, hey you, this dog is bleeding,
what you do to my dog? Stop, hey...

Stop that scene now.

You bet it is, we've been kicked around,
thrown in the water, snapped at, bitten.

Who do those people think they are anyway?

They are His Excellency, the Baron Holenia
and the Countess Von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg.

OK, where do they live?

The Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg palace
on Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg Square.

That's a lot of Stolzenberg brother...

and don't tell us to get
out because we're get.

- You rang sir?
- Does a black dog live here?

- I beg your pardon?
- A French poodle about that size.

You tell her she has
to see a man about a dog.

Perhaps if you would clarify
the nature of your business sir.

Hey you...

What's the idea of just running off
after your dog is bitten my dog?

I don't expect
decent manners of that thing...

but human beings are expect
them act at least one halfway human.

Take off your hat.

Look at that leg,
bitten clear to the bone, it bled...

for an half an hour, all over my rented suit.

I doubt if my birds
care for the smell of your hat.

Oh, fry your birds, I'm talking
about my dog, are you a dog?

Your ought to have a muzzle on her,
not a leather muzzle, need a steel one.

- Don't let him upset you darling.
- Ah, that silly haircut.

Who trims her up like that,
the guy who trims your hedges?

What is it that you want?

Damages for your what happened to you mongrel
and money for the cleaning your trousers?

I want a saliva test made
of her and I want it right now.

- You want what?
- A saliva test.

She may be mad, that silly
looking thing may have the rabies.

I'll thank you not to use such
vile words when you talk about her.

Alright, hydrophobia then, have
you watched her lady for symptoms?

Is she been frothing at the mouth?

Is her bark sound croupy?
Like her throat is closing up on her.

My dear man, if either
of these two dogs is mad, it's yours.

My veterinary goes over
Scheherazade from snout to tail every week.

She's a dog of superb
pedigree and she gets superb care.

Oh, listen, any mutt can have the rabies.

For the last time, will you stop
referring to her as a mutt?

Have you ever heard of blood lines?
Hers goes back to the 18th century.

His goes back to as far
as they've been having dogs.

Perhaps you've heard of one of her ancestors
Papillion, the poodle of Marie Antoinette.

They were both guillotined
in the French Revolution.

Smart move.

Her father belongs
to Czar Nicholas of Russia.

- You don't say.
- Her mother to the Infanta of Spain.

Well, his mother belongs to a milkman
in Springfield, Illinois and his father...

His father. Well, you've got me there.

Her twin brothers belong to a
Cardinal and live in the Vatican.

As for Scheherazade herself, she
is just become engaged to the dog...

- of His Majesty Francis Joseph the First.
- Yeah?

Well, Buttons' brother helps a kid
named Stinky O'Hara deliver newspapers.

And his sister was making
an honest living as a watchdog...

until she was hit by the Baltimore and Ohio.

How really fascinating.

Listen, if your
poodle is so classy how come...

she doesn't know any better than
to go around biting a nice little dog?

If your animal is so clever,
it should know better than to...

approach a dog
of an entirely different class.

All he did is go up to her and
say, how you do? That's all.

He thrust his ugly,
ill bred little face right at hers.

- And for that she bit him.
- Certainly.

- And she was right?
- Absolutely.

There are such things as class distinctions.

- How's that?
- Class distinctions, I said.

I thought that's what you said.
Two kinds of blood you mean?

Blue blood and the kind we have, the kind
you get at the five and ten cent store, eh?

Precisely. You must admit there's a
slight difference between Stinky O...

something or other
and the Emperor of Austria.

There is the low bred and the high bred.
And if the low bred has the impertinence...

to come distastefully close, what
can he expect but to be bitten?

- Is that so?
- It is.

OK, now you bite me.

I would've horsewhipped him then
and there, the revolting little plebeian.

Well, you saw him, ears like a bat
and the rest of him like a plucked duck.

Perhaps there's more
to him than meets the eye.

So it would seem from what
happened in the mountains.

What? What happened in the mountains?

- A conflagration of the wildest passion...
- Please, remember the archduchess's heart.

- Go on, what happened?
- For your own sake, Isabella.

Oh, go on or I shall
fling myself from this balcony.

Alright, it's your heart.

Well, it seems that that little horror
found out the Emperor was going to Tyrol.

So being an American, of course...

you know, they'll do anything in
their mad pursuit of the almighty dollar.

Bom bom bom Dee Dee Dee

Lom de de Dee Dee de Dee

Bom bom

- Bom bom.
- Bom bom.

If you feel a song,
then let the song begin.

And you'll find the
friendly mountains joining in.

Joining in, joining in

Loosen up your pipes
and brother you can bet...

It's as pretty as a barbershop quartet.

- Quartet.
- Quartet.

- Quartet.
- Quartet.

Quartet

You can raise your voice and sing
out hip-hooray but it always comes back

Give the birds a
break and hustle up a song.

And let the
friendly mountains sing along.

If you feel a song,
then let the song begin.

And you'll find the
friendly mountains joining in.

When your melody
goes rolling around the sky.

Well you'll feel that
you're a pretty nifty guy

Pretty nifty guy

Pretty nifty guy

Pretty nifty guy

- You there, halt.
- I just wanted to look the place over.

- It's very nice too, come on Buttons.

No visitors while
our Emperor is in residence.

- Oh, is he in there now?
- It's the hunting season.

But when he hunts, doesn't he
come out here once in a while?

- Every morning early, 4o'clock.
- Through this gate?

Through this gate, down that road,
through this gorge and up that mountain.

Down that road, through that
gorge and up that mountain, eh?

With your very kind
permission, the car is boiling.

Well, don't stand there.
Get some cool water from some brook.

With your very kind permission, I shall.

We're almost there Scheherazade.

I think you better take her goggles
off Johanna, they give her a headache.

Oh, she's perfectly alright Father.

Her nose is dry and hot,
she's running a temperature.

I told you she should've worn her blanket.

- Don't be hysterical Father.
- How can I help being hysterical?

If she should come down with a
cold or distemper, heaven forbid.

Relax, breathe in this heavenly air.

Yes, it'll do her good.
This Tyrol it's like a vast oxygen tent.

Listen to that yodel,
it's the voice of Austria.

Mountain born, deep rooted, eternal.

What is it Scheherazade?

What's biting you anyway?

Here Buttons, come here.

- Scheherazade.
- Catch her.

Here, come here.

- Take that black beast out of here.
- Whoa, here, here, here.

Yoo-hoo.

- This I find outrageous.
- Small world, isn't it?

- Are you following me?
- No, are you?

This is the same
objectionable American, isn't it?

I'll take care of him.
Get Scheherazade in the car.

Oh, I'll give her some brandy.

If you don't mind, I should
like to ask you a few questions.

Say, you look might sweet in that...

like a piece of candy
all wrapped up in tissue paper.

Just to find you here, just like this.

Oh, if I wanted to make a
deal with the Sultan of Morocco...

- I'd come dressed like a dervish.
- Oh, you're here on business?

Well, they don't exactly pay my
expenses to come up here and yodel.

Ah yes, I've heard of that
peculiar object you're peddling.

- And you wish to sell it to the Emperor?
- It's right countess.

- And you're here at His Majesty's request?
- Let's not get technical.

Where are you staying?

Down in the village at the Golden Fiddle Inn.

It's them to have a very attractive
upstairs maid there, a redhead.

Now, exactly how will
you manage to see His Majesty?

Oh, I shan't see him, he's
going to see me or hear me.

- Or rather, he's going to hear my machine.
- Go on.

Well, every morning
he goes out shooting deer...

he goes out his gate, down
that gorge and up that mountain.

Now, one of these fine mornings I
shall hide behind a tree or something...

get my machine set up and suddenly...

- And then?
- Well, once he hears it it'll be a cinch.

He'll say, How come that beautiful
doggone band is up here playing...

in these little bitty
old doggone hills of mine?

The Emperor, that's what he'll say?

Yes and I shall pop up from
behind my tree and I should say, Emp...

that's no band, that's a phonograph.
Come over here and see for yourself.

- Very clever, only it won't work.
- Why won't it?

Because the Emperor will not
hear that loathsome apparatus.

Because you will not be
hiding behind any trees.

Because no tradesman can be allowed
to presume on the Emperor of Austria.

Because you're to go straight
to your hotel, pack your things...

and leave immediately,
you and that dog of yours.

- Who's going to make us?
- The police.

Like fun they will, I'm an
American citizen, he's an American dog.

I have a passport and he has a dog license.

And if you don't leave voluntarily,
the gendarmes will come and take...

you and your dog by the nape of
your necks and throw you on the train.

You try anything like that and you're
going to get in a peck of trouble.

Don't you forget that Teddy
Roosevelt still carries a big stick.

Who carries what?

You start a fight with me and
he'll have the United States...

Army here so fast it'll make your head swim.

Johanna, get in the
car, Scheherazade is fainted twice.

The Army and Navy and
the Marines, you understand?

And don't forget we're building a little
something called the Panama Canal.

What's he talking about?

You'll find out when we won't let
your ships through, not on of them.

You'll have to go all the way
down around South America.

Or else you'll have to go all the way
up north where it's so cold that...

First train out of here, you, your
apparatus and dog, especially that dog.

We'll fix you in Washington.
What we'll do to your ambassador.

We'll boycott your product, the Blue
Danube forbidden by act of congress.

Shut up.

- Johanna.
- Come in Father.

Aren't you getting dressed Johanna?
They're all downstairs on the terrace.

- Quiet Father.
- Have you glanced out the window?

The Emperor is invited us with a group
that offers rather interesting possibilities.

- What's the matter with you?
- With me nothing, it's Scheherazade.

What's wrong now?

The Emperor's
veterinary is in there with her.

- She's had a nervous breakdown.
- A nervous?

- No.
- A complete collapse.

They were bathing her and
she was perfectly alright till she...

saw another dog, a small
dachshund, she began screaming.

Then they tested her with another dog,
a tiny Chihuahua, the same hysteria.

When they brought in the
Emperor's dog to calm her down...

she broke loose, jumped
through a window and ran amok.

Apparently, she can't
stand the sight of another dog.

Is the Emperor been told about this?

Not yet, we hope the veterinary
will be able to do something.

That inconsiderate, ungrateful black
animal. Jeopardizing all our chances.

Come here.

The Hungarian officer playing cards...

that's Prince Istvan Barlossy de Baloshasa.

I met him in Budapest,
didn't like him very much.

Nonsense, since then he's inherited
half of Buda and a large part of Pest.

Now, what have you
against the Marques Alonso La Fuente?

Which one is he?

The handsome one with the tennis
racket, greatest family in Andalucia.

Castles in Spain, literally. Seven of them.

You still haven't mentioned
the best possibility.

Ah, you mean Duke Ferdi Lindendorf?

No, the Princess Bitotska,
I'm thinking of you Father.

Don't be disgusting.

She's had her one good eye on you for years.

- She's old enough to be my mother.
- She still playing tennis.

She ought to be in a
wheelchair, the arthritic old horror.

Let's go and see if that beast
of yours is feeling any better.

I repeat, it is extremely important that
the patient speak anything in her mind.

Anything at all, we need a complete
stream of consciousness, is that clear?

Thank you very much. Now, would
like to know all about your dreams.

You dream, I presume?

Alright. Now, what do you dream?

Is it a recurrent dream?

- Very good, a typical anxiety dream.
- What is all this Doctor?

Please, this is a very serious case.

Indubitably a psychoneurosis,
sometimes referred to as a neuropsychosis.

Fortunately, I went to the University of
Vienna with a young doctor by the name Freud.

He has created a curative method...

the analysis of the psyche by
delving into the subconscious.

Now I must ask
for your earliest recollections.

Your father and mother,
was their home life congenial?

Doctor, stop torturing her.
I can tell you what's wrong, she...

- she had a fight with a dog.
- She did?

Twice, once in Vienna,
once here, this very afternoon.

The same dog.

You see? That's what
leads to wrong diagnoses.

Patients withhold things. What kind of a dog?

An American dog, small, white, male.

- What was his name?
- Buttons.

Let's test it.

Buttons.

Absolutely clear now, a fear complex.

Frightened by one dog,
now afraid of all dogs.

- I may kill her.
- Is there a cure?

In some cases, the patient has developed...

what I and my colleague
Dr. Freud, call a mental block.

But what is the cure Doctor?

The frightened one must realize
she has nothing to be afraid of.

In other words, we must
bring the two dogs together.

- Oh but that's impossible.
- It is imperative.

I gave orders to have them
both removed, the man and the dog.

- I may kill you.
- Without the other dog, I see very black.

Maybe it's not too late, come
darling, don't tremble like that.

Don't be nervous, everything is going...

With your very kind permission
Countess, exactly what inn was it?

The Fiddle Inn.

There are 3 Fiddle Inns, the Green Fiddle,
the Golden Fiddle and the Broken Fiddle.

Oh, how idiotic.

With your very kind permission
Countess, the whole village is fiddles.

- That's what they make here, fiddles.
- But I got to find him before it's too late.

- The American, has he left yet?
- No but he is leaving, number seven.

If you do not hurry you will miss the train.

- So we miss the train, so what?
- So you'll be pulled out of here by ox cart.

I think you're full of pickled
pumpernickel, the both of you.

Alright, you little bundle of joy, come on.

Up, in you go.

Well, if it isn't the Countess. What's the
matter? Don't you trust them? We're leaving.

Step outside, you two and close the door.

- I have to talk to you.
- We'll miss the train.

You're not going on that train.

What you going to do?
Shoot us out of a cannon?

I need your help.

Well, you don't say.

My dog is outside in a
state of complete collapse.

Small wonder too, you people
take those high-strung critters...

you breed them, interbreed
them, over breed them...

something in their
noggins is bound to start rattling.

She was perfectly alright
until she saw your dog...

- All Buttons did was walk up and...
- Let's not go into it.

I'm here to demand your cooperation.

The reason for Scheherazade's breakdown is
fear and the reason for her fear is your dog.

Now, the veterinarian said the only cure
is to get back to the source of that fear...

thus eliminating the mental
block, are you following me?

Countess, you lost me back
somewhere around cooperation.

Well, to put it simply, if she
could realize that he's not a danger.

- If your dog could be nice to my dog.
- Oh no, she might throw a flea on him.

I assure you this is a
matter of the utmost importance...

it goes far beyond just curing a dog.

So we do you a favor
and you kick us out, that's it?

No, you can stay as long as you like,
you can do what you like, I don't care.

Well, now you're talking sense.

Well, I'll bring her in, there's no time
to waste and see that your dog behaves.

- Hold it Countess, it's a word missing.
- I beg your pardon?

- The word is please.
- Please?

Do better than that.

- Please.
- Come again.

- Please.
- Getting warmer.

- Please.
- Bring in the mutt.

Leopold.

Put her on the bed here.

Ah, she's got it pretty bad, eh?

Hear you, quiet.

The doctor says that she might go c-r-a-z-y.

Well, we'll see what we can d-o.

Now, now, now, don't you say no...

until you and I had a chance
to talk this over, man to man.

And I'm going to open this basket
and you're going to go there...

Nd and apologize like a
little gentleman, you understand?

- Oh no, don't, don't open the basket.
- Let me handle this, come on Buttons.

Come on boy, got to help me out now.

Remember that time in Munich when
you became involved with the police.

Because you lapped up all that beer
in the rathskeller, who got you out of that?

Old Virgil, eh?

We won't talk about it now, no.

You got to help me out kid,
go over there and apologize.

Go on.

Alright, so she did hurt your feelings, so
she's snooty and highfalutin and all that.

But you're a pretty fresh little mutt
yourself, you know. You always have been.

But you're a man and it's up to the
man to apologize. Now go ahead. Go on.

Her heart's beating like mad.

Proud, eh? And stubborn, look at her.

For once in your life you meet
a real lady and a mighty pretty one.

Look those trim little ankles, eh?

And that pompadour.

That's super deluxe, that's class.
It's better than class; It's claaass.

Go on, be nice to here. Go ahead, move in.
Take charge. Atta boy. Go on Buttons.

Don't be afraid
Scheherazade, he's a nice little dog.

Maybe he hasn't had some of the advantages.
Oh, It's no use, maybe we'd better stop.

Hey Buttons, hey.

I kiss your little hand,
madame, your dainty fingertips.

And while in slumber land,
madame I'm begging for your lips.

- I haven't any right madame
- I think she likes that.

Sometimes I wonder if
hearts are broken...

By little love words
that are left unspoken.

I always tremble when you are near me.

I'm looking for
a ray of hope to cheer me.

I hope to keep my kisses warm

Until we meet in shadow form...

In dreams I kiss your hand madame

Your dainty fingertips.

And while in slumber land madame

I'm begging for your lips

I haven't any right
madame to do the things I do

Just when I hold you tight madame...

You vanish with the night madame.

In dreams I kiss your hand madame.

And pray my dreams come true.

I'm just putting it on
a little to give them the idea.

- Nothing personal, you understand.
- Oh, I understand perfectly.

- I wouldn't presume...
- No, of course you wouldn't.

I haven't any right madame

To do the things I do

Just when I hold you tight madame

You vanish with the night madame

Thank you so much, you've been most kind.

Oh, not at all, it's a pleasure
to do business with you.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

- Oh, Countess.
- Yes?

- You forgot something.
- I did? What?

- Your d-O-g.
- Of course.

- He's missed the train.
- What train?

- The one he was going on.
- Oh, he's not going.

- Scheherazade.
- Scheherazade.

Buttons.

- She seems so wonderfully well.
- Doesn't she though?

- Come on Scheherazade, come on.
- Come on Buttons, here boy. Come on.

Come on Scheherazade,
give Buttons back his ball.

Oh no, let her have it.
Compliments of the house.

- Oh, you're very kind, goodbye.
- So long Countess.

- Come on Scheherazade.
- If she should've a relapse, bring her back.

- Thank you so much.
- Any time.

Go on home you two.

You telling me.

It's the biggest stag they've had up here
in years Your Majesty, I saw it myself.

Already I can see its head
above Your Majesty's desk.

Those magnificent antlers, about 18 points.

You can see the antlers but
I don't seem to see the stag.

Oh, it is up there in the glen,
I assure Your Majesty, listen.

Every morning for a week
they've promised me that stag...

and no stag, not a shadow of a stag.

Today it will be there, it must be. That
stag dare not disappoint His Emperor again.

Look at all those other men
Putzi, I'm very angry with you Putzi.

Do you mind Princess?
I do not like the name Putzi.

Not only am I angry, I'm disappointed. I did
hope you'd wear those short leather pants.

- Why?
- For years I've wanted to see your knees.

You must've very good knees my dear Putzi.

They're extraordinary handsome knees,
they're my knees and I'm nobody is Putzi.

Aren't you being a little cold
to the richest woman in Austria?

Not rich enough,
besides I have other prospects.

Such an exciting contrast Countess.

You, pale and blond against
the brunette Spanish landscape.

Spain is for bulls, for
a beautiful woman is Hungary.

Is Budapest, the
guy, wicked boudoir of a city.

No, entirely too much
paprika, don't you think Countess?

Let me show you
Granada, toreadors orange trees...

a thousand fountains dancing in a sunlight.

You offer the Countess sunlight...

I offer her fierce midnights
and czardas and wild gypsies.

Oh, I'm sorry, did someone say something?

There, Your Majesty.

What is it? Music here in my own forest?

- How dare they? How dare they?
- I don't know Your Majesty, I don't know.

I want my stag, I want my stag.

It must be a band marching down the highway.

- Maybe it's an echo from the village.
- I want that band apprehended.

I will have them punished.
Every instrument, especially the brasses.

Your Majesty, may I
offer my profound apologies?

- You may not, certainly not.
- Oh, certainly not.

- Silence.
- Silence.

- Turn that thing off.
- Hi you Countess.

- Turn it off immediately.
- Now that I got him here? Are you crazy?

- Stop it, I tell you.
- Look out, you going to scratch my record.

You scared off the Emperor's stag, they're
combing the woods with loaded guns.

- Well, let me demonstrate...
- Did you find that band?

Not yet Countess, they must be
hiding somewhere in the underbrush.

- Who is this man?
- A tourist picking strawberries.

What is that?

Well, that's what I was asking.
It's apparently for the strawberries.

- How?
- How. Oh, oh, how?

Oh, why you, you
put the strawberries in here...

and you grind them up with this,
you see and the jam collects down yonder.

This black platter, you
serve them on the platter and the...

the hole is for the juice.
Any other questions please?

Yes, will it work with gooseberries?

Gooseberries, great with gooseberries,
huckleberries, strawberries, raspberries.

It's particularly smashing with raspberries.
Now, you get the jam and the sound, you see?

Go find the band.

- Yes, Countess.
- Yes, Countess.

- Thank you Countess, you're a pip.
- I'm a what?

A pip, a sweetheart, come on
put down that gun and have a chair.

I'm afraid you'll have to think up
another scheme for your talking machine.

- Oh that, yeah. Say, how's Scheherazade?
- Oh, she's much better.

- Too bad.
- What did you say?

Said that's too bad.

Buttons and I were
hoping that she have a relapse...

and you have to
come back for another treatment.

Well, that won't be necessary, she's as gay
as a lark, busy with her wedding plans.

Being trimmed, a new collar, sniffing
over her wedding presents.

Is that right? Buttons
and I keep talking about you...

- night and day, no sleep, no appetite.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

Say Countess, you don't suppose, do
you? That that mental block business...

Now, could that be contagious?

Oh, Nonsense, Buttons is a
sturdy, well adjusted little dog.

Oh, I know Buttons is but I'm talking about
me, I'm the one that's got the shivers.

Don't laugh, one of theses night there'll be
a knock at your door and when you come...

to open it, Buttons will be
standing there, with me in his arms.

Like you came with Scheherazade.

And he'll put me down and I'll lie there...

quaking all over, with my eyes rolled
back until just the white is showing.

There'll be some nasty gossip at the castle.

Don't worry, we'll sneak
up the servant's stairs, so...

there I'll be, lying
there in pitiable condition.

- You'd have to help me then, wouldn't you?
- How?

You'd bend over me.
You remember the cure we found.

- I never sing.
- Well, come on, force yourself.

Just hum a little, eh?

Countess Von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg.

Countess Von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg.

- Goodbye.
- Oh wait Countess, don't go.

- Don't you feel it too?
- Feel what Mr.Smith?

Oh, that funny stir inside of you,
you know, those bubbles that start...

way down in the tips of your toes
and tingle up through your spine...

till they reach your brain
where they pop like a firecracker.

I know nothing about any such bubbles.

They're in your veins,
they're in you're arteries...

they beat in your
throat and pound in your ears.

What does Mr. Smith?

Your blood, it's all out
of whack, it goes so fast and...

it goes every which way, right now mine
is going counterclockwise, how's yours?

- Perfectly normal, I assure you.
- I don't believe it.

Mine is the weak, watery different
sort of blood, you said so yourself.

In dreams I kiss your hand madame

Your dainty fingertips

And while in slumber land madame

I'm begging for your lips

Go to sleep Scheherazade.

Go to sleep.

Now, really.

Scheherazade, come back to bed.

Scheherazade.

Stop thinking about him.

He's just an ordinary little
dog like a million other little dogs.

Alright, he has some charm
and he knows some tricks but..

He's not for you, he's not your sort.

I think I better give you a
sleeping pill, it'll relax you, come on.

Come to bed, come on.

Get in, good girl.

Take this and lie down, go to sleep.

Go to sleep, do.

Tomorrow you're going to be
the most important dog in Austria.

You want look your best, don't you?

Scheherazade, you're
an adult, intelligent woman.

A little self control, a little
dignity, is that too much to ask?

What would happen if we all let ourselves go?

Just make up your mind to this, cannot be.

Shut out every thought in that direction.

Fight it, suppress it.

In dreams I kiss your hand

Your dainty fingertips

And while in slumber land madame

I'm begging for your lips

I haven't any right madame

To do the things I do

Just when I hold you tight

You vanish with the night

A fine pair we make.

- Not another cold Your Majesty?
- Certainly not, the same one.

If I might again suggest
inhaling the vapor of pine needles.

No Holenia, no.

Forty-15.

- Any news from the kennels?
- We took Scheherazade down after luncheon.

She asked me to thank Your
Majesty for the bridal bouquet.

You've seen poodle
puppies, haven't you Holenia?

Charming little beasts, look as if they
were made of black wool and licorice.

Good shot.

If I might be excused Your Majesty.

- What is it? What's happening?
- She's run away, she's gone.

- It's a disgrace to our kennels.
- Well, where is she?

I don't know, she just jumped over
a six-foot fence and disappeared.

That filthy animal.

- I must inform His Majesty.
- You will do nothing of the kind.

We mustn't disquiet
the Emperor, he has a cold.

- Then what am I to do?
- We'll catch her, we'll bring her back.

- You return to the kennels, that's an order.
- But. Yes Baron.

Advantage, receiver.

Johanna. Johanna.

- The game.
- Johanna.

- Yes Father?
- We're in trouble.

Oh, what is it?

Scheherazade, Scheherazade.

Scheherazade.

Scheherazade, look at the silly beast.

Scheherazade, Scheherazade.
Where's Scheherazade?

I don't know.

But what you doing?
Just lying there, she's run away.

She must be with Buttons, where's Buttons?

Look at there, you threw me off.
Now, what's your problem?

- Where's Buttons?
- He isn't here.

He's not? Where is he?

He got feeling so miserable
I put him out on the island.

- What island?
- Out here, I'll show you.

He was so unhappy,
crying all night and everything...

I thought if I just sort of
disconnected him from the mainland...

- put him out there in that little island...
- Look.

- That idiot.
- That wonderful gal.

No mountain too high, no
ocean too wide, go it Scheherazade.

- Oh, I hate you.
- The way, you say it, I don't mind it.

- We've got to stop her.
- Oh, forget her.

Stick around, I'll open up a bottle of glue.

I got to catch her and you're
going to help me, come on.

Now, wait a minute, wait.

Johanna, what is it?

Where are you going? Johanna...

Scheherazade.

Scheherazade.

Do you know how to row this thing?

Sure, used to travel
for a Venetian blind company.

Scheherazade.

Santa Lucia

Santa Lucia

Scheherazade.

Scheherazade.

Johanna. Johanna.

- Scheherazade.
- Hold it Buttons, I'm a'coming.

- Oh boy, you're all mixed up here.
- He isn't hurt, is he?

No, not him, he's too tough.
You kept telling me she didn't care, eh?

- Don't let him off that leash.
- Oh, don't worry.

Well, you've had your
moment, you lucky little coot.

Isn't every guy, you know, to have the
lovely Countess swim across a lake for him.

Stop trembling
Scheherazade, I won't scold you. No.

I won't even mention
it to anybody ever, I promise.

- What's that noise?
- Oh that? That comes from the village.

You know, in the daytime they make
violins and in the evening, they fiddle.

Mighty pleasant, isn't it?

- It's probably due to the echo.
- Yeah.

Like sitting way up in the balcony, eh?

No, no, no, we must
go back, Scheherazade and I.

Oh? Well, then I'll, I'll get
Buttons ready for the night.

You can say your lips

Are not for me

But you can't hide the kiss

- That's in your eyes...
- Would you mind not singing?

- What was that?
- I said please stop singing.

Oh, sure.

What's the matter Countess?
You afraid or something?

Afraid?

Well, you know, this silly island,
the silly sunset, all those fiddles...

- tearing away, a man's voice.
- You have to be more explicit.

But you needn't be afraid. It's just that...

sometimes sounds do funny
things, now, you take a big chandelier,

one of those high-class, well brought up
chandeliers and you hit a particular note.

Ping, you make
that chandelier tinkle all over.

Are you under the impression that your
voice could, as you indelicately put it...

- make me tinkle?
- Well, yes, maybe a little around the edges.

Who do you think I am?
Some half-witted shop girl or...

some maudlin little
waitress from a beer garden?

You're a chandelier Countess.

The loveliest chandelier I ever saw.

- Go on, sing.
- Oh no.

This is insulting, sing and sing at once.

You can say your lips are not for me

But you can't hide
the kiss that's in your eyes

And you can say my arms...

Would only leave you cold.

But wait till they hold you...

And then look wise.

Yes and you can say...

Tonight will come and go.

Without a single moment's worth of sighs

But why should I agree...

When I know what will be...

It's plain to me...

Plain as the kiss...

In your eyes,

Plain as the kiss...

Stop it.

I had a husband.
He was suave and distinguished.

He was dark and dashing, he was six feet two.

He was the handsomest man in Austria.

You're so different.

Imagine, a thousand years of...

civilization crumbling
because of a drummer's vocal chords.

- Isn't it utterly past belief?
- Aren't you a little harsh?

I remember once when
I was listening to Caruso.

Oh, Caruso is excusable,
but that man's voice is...

It's what I call a cheap bathroom yowl.

Ah, Therese, think of
their nearness and the lake...

and the fragrance of the
summer night in the Tyrol.

Why begrudge them a moment of happiness?

Had it only stopped
there but for two whole weeks...

they were having secret
rendezvous on that island.

- The four of them.
- How shocking, how divinely shocking.

Could I trouble you for
another kiss honey Countess?

No trouble at all.

I shall never forget you Virgil.

Impertinent, unpardonable, ridiculous Virgil.

You bet you won't because I'm
going to be around to remind you.

You are?

Got it all worked out honey Countess.
You pack your bags, I pack mine.

We get the dogs, take
the first train, the first boat...

and then one day your folks are going to
get a postcard from Newark, New Jersey.

It'll say, Merry Christmas
from Mr. and Mrs. Virgil H. Smith.

- It sounds so wonderful and so impossible.
- Oh, a few small problems.

A few? A million.

Where I come from,
there's only one real problem...

Have you got two bucks for
the license and two bucks I got.

Oh, where I come from there
traditions and conventions and...

- family ties and responsibilities...
- Oh, forget them Countess.

We can't afford a scandal in
my family, have a young brother.

By the grace of the Emperor, he's just
been admitted to the Imperial Cadet School.

Good. So he'll
hustle and get himself a job...

setting up pins in the
Imperial Bowling Academy.

And I've a young sister, 17.

She's to be presented
at court, at first great glamorous ball.

So, she'll call in the neighborhood kids...

instead, she'll
have herself a big taffy pull.

Then there's my father,
very bankrupt and slightly dishonest.

If we should affront the Emperor...

The Emperor, the Emperor,
nobody is that important.

The Emperor is.

Why don't you tell him how
things are with us, how we stand?

- That we're crazy about each other.
- Don't you be naive.

- Come on alright then, let me talk to him.
- You?

Why sure, you just get me in there.
I'll tell him a thing or two, I...

- You're not ashamed of me, are you?
- Of course not.

Because I have no
title, I'm just a businessman?

No, it's impossible, the
Emperor wouldn't listen to you.

Even if he did listen to
you, he wouldn't believe his ears.

You just get me in
there, I'll reason it out with him.

You don't reason with an emperor darling.

You bow and listen to what he has to say
and what he has to say is no, it's always no.

- And you bow again and leave.
- Not me, I don't take noes.

I get my foot in the door
and I talk and talk and talk fast.

- I'm a salesman, a good salesman.
- So I've noticed.

Come on honey Countess, let me see him, eh?

I'm no saint, heaven knows, I'm no Puritan.

I've allowed my affections to get involved
with the lower classes more than once...

- but I had some sense of proportion.
- I love him Father.

The prettiest girl I ever knew was
the daughter of a garbage collector.

But at the proper
time, I had the good taste to...

consign her regretfully to the garbage can.

I didn't put on a silver platter
and present her to my emperor.

He's wonderful and I'm proud of him.

He doesn't accept our silly little
prejudices, he's better than we are.

Garbage, he's a cheap little drummer
with some cheap business on his mind.

No Father, with me on his mind,
and a wonderful shining love.

Garbage.

- Virgil.
- Hello Countess.

- He's waiting for you darling.
- Good, I'm ready myself.

- Now, don't be nervous.
- Look who's talking. Hi.

- Garbage.

- Oh, what you going to say?
- Oh, I don't know, I'll do something.

I'll talk or play him a song and do
kind of tricks, stand on my hands.

If he doesn't like me,
maybe he'll like my associate.

He said 3 o'clock, he's got a little
cold but I hope he's in a good mood.

Come in.

Alright, step inside
and bow from the waist...

and don't straighten up
till he gives you the signal.

I got it. Come on Buttons,
keep your paws crossed.

- I love you.
- You took the words right out of my mouth.

Who ever told me to try
these nasty fumes? Thank you.

- You're quite welcome, I'm sure.

And my whiskers, just
as I thought. Now, they smell.

But you could always
shave them off Your Majesty.

What was that? Come here.

I think you'd look much nicer
without all that whipped cream.

An excellent idea, they've
bored me for the last 40 years.

- Thank you Your Honor, I mean Your Majesty.
- Only it cannot be done.

Why not, Your Majesty?

Young man, if I were
to shave off these whiskers...

Austria would be
thrown into a state of turmoil.

Think what it would do to our postage
stamps, our coins, our bank notes.

- I guess you're stuck alright.
- I'm glad you see my point.

- Straighten up, who are you?
- I'm the man who...

Well, an appointment was made
for me, I was to be here at 3 o'clock.

- You are Mr. Smith, the American.
- Yes Your Majesty.

It's in connection with the
Countess Von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg.

What I want Your Majesty, well, a little hard
for me to explain exactly what I do want.

Exactly what you want is the
Countess Von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg.

Exactly.

- How long have you two known each other?
- Three weeks, roughly speaking.

Not too roughly, I trust.

- You love her Mr. Smith?
- Yes, I do Your Majesty and she loves me.

I know it sounds crazy considering
who she is and where I come from...

way, way the other side of the tracks.

It is somewhat unorthodox. Should you marry
Johanna, what kind of life do you envision?

Do you intend to live
with her here in Vienna?

Move into her palace? I should say not.

There's too many forks and how
a man know which one to pick up.

- I plan to take her home with me.
- Home?

Which one of the United
States do you come from?

New Jersey. Newark, New Jersey.
My mother has a place there.

A place? That is, an estate?

No, it's a house, sort of a half house.

Two family deal, Dr.
Coleman lives in the other half.

He's a dentist, very nice fella too, we,
we belong to the same bowling club.

You and Johanna will live with your mother?

Oh yes. I wouldn't want her
alone while I'm out on the road.

On the road?

Look Your Majesty, I could've
come in here and thrown a great...

big bluff about being a rich Wall
Street man, just cruising around the world...

but actually, I
don't have a yacht to my name.

I'm just a traveling salesman, I earn 22.50
dollars a week against 4% commission.

Which isn't bad when you consider
what an up and coming product I handle.

That mechanical orchestra with which
you pursued me from Vienna to that forest?

- I'm sorry about the stag.
- I probably would've missed him anyway.

I'm a very poor shot, this machine...

Is it practical? Is it, really good?

Oh, that's the gosh darndest,
Jim-dandiest machi...

Listen Your Majesty, I didn't
come here to sell that machine.

I came here to sell myself...

so you wouldn't think the Countess was
throwing herself away on a hoodlum.

You are not a hoodlum, you're a businessman.

- Yes Your Majesty.
- A good one, I'm sure.

- Quick, clever, enterprising.
- Thank you Your Majesty.

If a good proposition offered itself, you
wouldn't let it slip through your fingers.

- Oh, I should say not sir.
- Good, it so happens I have one for you.

- You have?
- It's a very simple one.

Give up Johanna
and I will endorse that machine.

- Come again?
- I'm sure you heard what I said.

Look you, I love her.

That Mr.Smith, is what I am counting on.

I'm not narrow minded, I could even
forgive him being an American...

if he belonged to one of those
Vander, Astor, Rocker families.

- But a Mr. Smith.
- I love him.

- If you say that once more...
- I love him.

- Garbage.
- Father, if you say that once more...

I've seen these things
happen before Mr.Smith.

I've seen them happen over and over again.

There was a grandniece of mine
who ran away with a fencing master.

An archduchess who fell in
love with a tourist guide in Egypt.

Princes have eloped with
soubrettes, princesses with headwaiters.

- And why not if they loved each other?
- Why not?

Let me tell you why not.

My grandniece and her
fencing master, what happened?

A few beautiful months in Naples and then...

she began to want to go
back to the life she had left.

There's no going back.

Eventually, she threw herself from
the fifth story window of her hotel.

The archduchess with her tourist
guide had less luck or less character.

She's living still, in a cheap
Viennese boarding house...

on sleeping pills and brandy,
anything to forget where she came from.

Where she came from? Because
you're so much better than we are?

I don't say we are better.

As a matter of fact, I think you are better.

You are simpler and you are stronger.

- Ultimately, the world will be yours.
- You bet it will.

What I'm trying to
explain Mr. Smith, is that...

we are different.

We are like snails living in
lovely twisted little twisted shells.

Have you ever observed a snail Mr.Smith?

They are majestic creatures,
with small coroneted heads...

that peer
very proudly from their tiny castles.

They move with dignity, I imagine they
have a great sense of their own importance.

But you take them from
their shells and they die.

- That is us Mr.Smith.
- Ah, that's a lot of...

I know my class.

Take Johanna with you and you destroy her.
Do you want to destroy someone you love?

I don't want to and I'm not
going to, I'm going to make her happy.

One chance in a million.
Bring that apparatus here.

I don't know whether she mentioned it but
there are 2 other offers for Johanna's hand.

The Prince Baloshaza
and the Marques La Fuente.

- They're both idiots.
- I agree.

No chance of any wild love there.

But let's look ahead.

Picture Johanna in the
two family house in Newark.

Oh, she may still love you...

and yet as she dries
the dishes, won't she think...

tonight there is the gala
opening of the opera in Vienna.

Last week I should've been at the
races at Ascot in the Royal enclosure.

I wonder how the season is at Biarritz.

- She won't think that.
- Because she has you?

It's right.

Are you enough Mr. Smith?

22.50 a week with a 4% commission.

Play it please.

- You think I should go in?
- No Father.

On hearing such a fantastic proposal...

I wager His Majesty fainted
or had a stroke on, like that.

- What's he playing music for?
- Because everything is going so well.

Because His Majesty's listened to him.

And that song? Tricking an old man
into a sentimental mood it's not fair.

It's yes, it's yes. It's yes.

The Emperor is cracking up.
Heaven help our poor monarchy.

Oh, monarchy, monarchy, crowns, titles,
crests, who cares Father? Who cares?

Don't just stand there Virgil,
what happened? What is it?

- What's that mean? Is it alright?
- Alright? It's great.

- Oh, it's great, do you hear that?
- What did His Majesty say?

- Oh, exactly what I wanted him to say.
- Virgil?

I sure want to thank you honey Countess,
both for myself and behalf of the company.

- Oh, it's all so wonderful, what company?
- The phonograph company, my boss.

They better send you a bathtub full of roses.

Me, why?

- You helped swing the deal, didn't you?
- What deal?

- I sold him the phonograph.
- You sold him...

- What is all this? What's he talking about?
- Hush Father. Go on please.

I knew I could sell
him if I could just get to him.

He's a wonderful old
guy, fell for it like that.

He did?

Now, on to be a cinch.

Virgil H. Smith, by appointment
to His Majesty Frances Joseph the First.

Who made that appointment?
My little honey Countess.

My mind isn't as quick as yours,
let's be quite clear about this.

It was that phonograph
from the very beginning?

Oh, come now Countess, what's a salesman
after, first, last and all the time? A sale.

Of course and everything
that happened between us...

all those words, those silly dreams, that was
all part of what you call, a sale campaign?

I had a hunch you'd be a little sore...

but you couldn't have taken it seriously,
a Countess and a drummer, come now.

No, not really,
only for a short time perhaps...

which makes me very stupid or
you a very good salesman indeed.

The company thinks so, they
send me a whole of tough assignments.

- Wasn't so tough, was it?
- This is what you get for stooping so low.

You're right Father.

The blood rushes to one's head and one gets
a little dizzy but I'm quite alright now.

- No hard feelings?
- No feelings at all.

It's so preposterous, it's,
it's funny, it's nothing but funny.

You and that island and that nasty little
dog and my going to the Emperor for you.

It's funny and
it's asinine and humiliating...

and a little disgusting,
but it's mostly funny.

Not so funny as the idea of me
taking a life size countess to Newark.

- This is yours, I believe.
- So it is.

Come on Buttons.

Goodbye Countess, his
respectful regards to Scheherazade.

I never suspected that
even garbage could be so cheap.

Don't you know us
Americans? Anything for a dollar.

Everything seemed so perfect with
that dreadful man out of her life.

- Johanna engaged to the Marques La Fuente.

- Half a dozen castles.
- Seven to be exact.

The La Fuentes have more of everything...

in fact most of their
children were born with 11 fingers.

Well and the poor
American, what happened to him?

Poor? What's poor about him?
He made a gigantic success...

selling those ridiculous machines
for the thousands, the little worm.

Worm indeed. By what possible right
did he come to the Emperor's Ball?

Oh, why can't he leave Johanna alone?
What does he want from her now?

I wouldn't have broken into that ballroom
if it wasn't a matter of life and death.

Mister, I am not interested.

Look Countess, after
this you'll never see me again.

We're all pack, we ready to go
back home. Only he'll never make it.

He'll never live to see
America again unless you help us.

No, he's out there in a sleigh,
all bundled up, you ought to see him.

Poor little rack of bones, hasn't slept
in I don't know how long, won't eat.

Just lies there with his eyes like a couple
of candles that are just about burned out.

I'm extremely sorry.

Last night he dragged himself out of the
hotel and you know where I found him?

Down in front of your house, I rang the bell.

One of your servants told me
Scheherazade is at the Palace.

She is and she cannot be disturbed, not now.

What are you trying to do? You trying to
take it out on him for something I did?

Buttons isn't a businessman,
he wasn't working any angles.

- All Buttons did was to lose his fool heart.
- One doesn't die of a lost heart Mr.Smith.

Except in those syrupy songs
chambermaids play on your phonograph.

Ah, let him see her just once more.

Give them just one moment together so
the poor dog can begin to breathe again.

You're not going to let him die, let
me go out to the sleigh and get him.

Release my arm Mr.Smith,
I'm expected back in the ballroom.

I forgot the word maybe please.

Please.

- Johanna, where have you been?
- What is it Father?

It's Scheherazade, word's just come from the
stables. The veterinary says any moment now.

Well, aren't you coming for the great event?

Of course Father.

What are you doing here?

But I told you to wait
for me, stay covered down.

She isn't here and even she
were, you wouldn't want to see her.

Not anymore, take my word for it.

Alright, you asked for it.

She took the other fellow
after all, that royal stuffed shirt.

Seems at this very moment
she's presenting him with a family.

Now, do you give up?

Here Buttons. Where you going? Here.

- Your Majesty.
- Good evening Dr. Zweiback.

- Have they arrived yet?
- Not quite yet, not quite yet Your Majesty.

- How is the patient?
- Admirable.

Temperature normal, pulse full, soft and
regular, we've no apprehensions, whatsoever.

I warn you Dr. Zweiback,
I expect every care taken in the delivery.

They shall be ushered into
the world with all the solicitude...

of which my humble hands are capable.

Oh, stop that nonsense,
go back to your patient.

If Your Majesty will excuse me,
I feel that I should be with her now.

Great relief when this is all over.

I feel exactly as I did when I was
waiting for the birth of Johanna.

Of course, I realize this is more important.

What shall we call
the little black things Holenia?

I've made a list of a few dark names.
For the first born, I should suggest Othello.

- Good.
- For the second, perhaps Cafe Noir.

If he's very small, Demi-tasse.

And if it's a female Sheba, Queen
of Sheba, you know, she was dark.

Simply inspired Your Majesty.

Hey, hey, Buttons, Buttons.

Come on Buttons, come on let's go home.
What you got there? What's the matter?

Quiet darling. How long Dr. Zweiback?

Not long at all Countess,
not an hour, not a minute...

not a second because,
hocus-pocus, announcing the first arrival.

Your Majesty had promised
Rome to the Duke Von Bregens.

Oh, not definitely.

There's an interesting
possibility in the Hague.

How so?

- Yes.
- The puppies have arrived.

- Well?
- Well?

- You lost one of them?
- No.

- Are they deformed? They got two heads?
- No.

- What is it?
- Brace yourself Baron Holenia.

- No.
- Yes.

- Blasted black Jezebel.
- Father please, don't. Not now.

Isn't there one of them that
hasn't got so much white?

That's all there is Baron.

- Cursed, cursed, she can't do this to me.
- She seems to have done it Father.

Your Majesty would like to know
if there are any developments.

There are.

What is it Holenia? I was told to come
here because it would happen at any minute.

- When will it happen?
- It has happened Your Majesty.

- It has? How many?
- Three, Your Majesty.

Three? Is that all? It's not many
but I dare say it will have to do.

Where are my glasses? I want to see
them, I want to see them at once.

- I don't think Your Majesty should.
- Why? Why shouldn't I see them?

Your Majesty, great grief has befallen us.

- The puppies...
- Come, come, come.

- It was beyond my control Your Majesty.
- The puppies were born dead.

Dead?

One of those rare, unpredictable occurrences.

- The expected mother must've had a fall.
- Dead? All three of them?

Yes, Your Majesty.

Dead is such an ugly word.

We're bitterly sorry
for Your Majesty's disappointment.

How is Scheherazade?

She's recovering
nicely, thank you Your Majesty.

Poor Louis, will be quite a blow.

In this our moment of sorrow, may
I venture to offer some consolation?

There will be other days,
she'll give us some puppies yet.

Yes, that's the way to look at it.

Come spring and we
can count on another litter.

The question is,
can I count on another spring?

If I may be permitted
Your Majesty, it's almost 11.

- What of it?
- The ball Your Majesty.

Your Majesty is to appear at 11.

- His Majesty is in no mood for a ball.
- You're quite right.

- I'm in the mood for a cemetery.
- Let us proceed to the ball.

Baron Holenia.

- The puppies, what about the puppies?
- Didn't you hear? They're dead.

- Ah?\
- They must be. Dead, buried, forgotten.

See to it at once, that's an order.

Alright Andreas, you heard the orders.

Cover up the head.

Hi.

- May I come in or is it past visiting hours?
- Who are you? Get out of here.

Oh, aren't you being a little rude? This
little gentlemen is a very close relative.

- Nobody is allowed in here.
- Oh well, he is. Say hello to them.

- Keep that beast away from her.
- Hey, look out. What are you doing?

- Where the pups?
- Throw him out.

Wait a minute, where
those pups? What goes on here?

- Orders have been given.
- What orders? What you going to do?

Get out of here.

Hold him.

I flatter myself, I handled
the puppy situation rather well.

Do you think it's ever
wise to lie to His Majesty?

- The puppies are dead, I gave orders.
- Father.

You're not going to kill them,
you're not going to, understand?

Because I'm not going to let you.

Oh, I don't care how many of you there are.

As a matter of fact, it's probably a
good thing there are so many of you.

Maybe all of you
together can scrape up decency...

to lay off three little duffers
who've just begun to breathe.

There not pure enough for you, eh?
Not quite your sort. Freaks.

Little mongrels you wouldn't have
around, so what are you going to do?

You going to shake them
off that great, big noble family...

tree of yours and let them
rot as if nothing had happened.

- What have you there Mr. Smith?
- Scheherazade's puppies and you know it.

Baron Holenia?

It seemed wiser Your Majesty,
I didn't want to shock Your Majesty.

Bring them here Mr. Smith.

And as my hearing is not
impaired please do not shout at me.

Well, I wanted to get my two cents
worth in before you started talking.

Last time, like a chump, I kept
my mouth shut and what did you do?

You sold me a bill of goods
about the wrong side of the tracks...

and me not being good enough, you remember?

Are we discussing the Countess
Von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg...

or the contents of that basket?

Well, it amounts to
the same thing, only now I know.

With your very kind permission,
that you were full of cracked ice.

Or maybe I was to fall for it and walk
out and make a heel out of myself.

Virgil, will you say that again
please, slowly and plainly and simply?

Not now honey Countess.

Your Majesty,
was it me that you made him give up?

Oh yes Johanna, yes.

We both agreed that with him, you had
only one chance in a million to be happy.

Your Majesty thinks that I am happy?

Isn't one chance in a million
better than no chance at all?

My dear, you're much
too pretty for mathematics.

- They're all boys.
- That's right boys run in Buttons' family.

- This tiny one has a bite like a nutcracker.
- They're sweet Your Majesty.

They'll be the strongest,
the smartest and the funniest.

And between Buttons and me, we'll bring
them up right when we get them back home.

- Can I have them back now sir?
- You cannot.

Why should you have Buttons and Johanna,
and Scheherazade and the puppies?

Maybe we could leave one for His Majesty...

the one who's so
attached to His Majesty's finger.

Sounds like a good deal, I'd even be
willing to withdraw the cracked ice crack.

I'm keeping them all, understand?
Now leave me alone, go on, dance all of you.

- Your Majesty, if I may...
- You may not Holenia.

I will talk to you later.

Putzi, how do I look to you now?

- I think the word is ravishing.
- Shall we dance?

Love is a dream yet it's so real

Hard to explain, just how you feel

Deep in your heart, joy seems to dwell

Like poets say, it's perfectly swell.