Original subtitles

Daddy, paint the colors of heaven with your tongue!

I dreamed about this.

Your whole life?

Since fourth grade.

I teach fourth grade.

What?

-The janitor! -What?

The janitor!

I don't get it, school is as terrible

As the Xbox 360

Stupid kids. They leave their clothes everywhere.

It's getting hotter.

Those annoying kids don't notice anything

Princess Peach is hot I'd like to fuck her

Shit, shit, shit!

I knew this wasn't a good idea!

Hey! Calm down. Nothing happened.

You really think so?

I mean, where God locks a door...

-he opens a window. -It's the third floor.

My kids will not scrape our bodies off the schoolyard.

Even if I lose my job.

Okay, before you do that,

shall we...

at least...

extinguish our fire?

Something is very wrong with you.

Insane situation, right?

The fire brigade showed up and we have smocks on.

So embarrassing.

Just to be clear, my fantasy definitely had a different end.

And? Did it cost the teacher her job?

Yes.

How do you feel?

I didn't want that.

I swore that after Stella, Milla, I would take things

slowly the next time...

Sounds like you really took things slow.

-It wasn't intentional. -You accidentally fucked in a school?

I was going to pick Claudia up after work to...

get to know her better.

I didn't want to have sex!

I saw the trap when she stood in front of me.

-She set a trap for him. -Come on.

Sex in a school? With a teacher?

That's easily top three on a sex bucket list.

I had no choice! Fate shuffles the cards.

-We play. -That's really good, Ben.

That's Schopenhauer.

Yes, well spotted, Anja.

I write too.

Feminist texts.

Sorry.

Though her body was brilliant

She did not get a happy end

That's feminist?

Yes. I love women.

You love sex. There's definitely a difference.

I live with a woman and we don't have sex.

With your mother, right?

-Well. -Back to the classroom.

Do you think that was just about an unfulfilled fantasy?

Sure.

Okay.

I recommend you do a radical fasting cure for recovery.

Purging?

Abstinence.

Sex vacation?

A break.

Yes, okay. Less is more.

That's good.

I'd try it for a week first.

DIETER SEEMS LONELY-

HE NEEDS CONTACT!

My grandma isn't feeling so well.

So this weekend my parents are coming to town.

They want to have dinner with us and Yvonne...

wants to ask for permission.

To have dinner?

To marry Dennis.

Dennis? Do you know why our dear Dieter

procrastinates successfully here in his own gym?

What?

I mean, why he lets things slide?

Why?

He has to clean for his aunt.

And he shares his car with his ex-wife.

And his big sister still buys his clothes for him.

You mean I'm like Dieter?

You're exactly like Dieter.

You need an excuse.

Tell Yvonne you have to work on the weekend.

A new project for the o:ha stuff and then you just blame your boss for it.

Hang on. You work at o:ha-Intim?

The pussy cream company? I love them.

Yes. I'm an intern so far...

but also a product tester.

For pussy creams?

For intimate and vaginal cosmetics.

My boss said I should climb the ladder of success from the bottom rung.

You've been there for a long time.

I want to get into product development. It's exciting.

We work with vegan organic products

and don't use any invertebrate materials.

The lube is really awesome.

It tingles nicely when you...

What? I have sensitive butt skin.

Okay.

Yeah. After my flat burned down because of the candles...

You mean the wax psycho?

Actually, he was really nice.

Yes.

Yet I believe Dieter wouldn't want to change anything.

Yes.

So the wax man probably came from a very problematic family situation.

Now I moved into the youth hostel, and I feel great there.

-Youth hostel? -Yes.

Yes. I feel really great there.

I'm learning to be grateful...

Good. That's enough. Now let's try something else.

You're all here for a reason.

Concentrate only on bobbing.

Shut up, will you!

When I throw the ball to you,

I want to hear the reason. Without thinking. Now!

Romance.

Tits.

Yvonne and my mother.

-What? -Yvonne and my mother.

Zoé?

No idea.

Stand up.

Stand up, now!

What the hell?

What just scared you?

Romance, tits, Yvonne and your mother.

We'll figure it out.

See the connection?

These issues are killing you, and yet...

you give them a huge place in your life?

Yes, fate shuffles the cards.

And you decide how you play and with whom.

And most importantly...

a good player knows when to stop.

Amen.

A stop sign. Cool.

Nele?

Want to move in with me?

-What? -I have room, I live alone.

And I'll allow closeness.

That's it, right, Anja?

Yes, I do.

The new wind.

Oh, guys.

Nele, honestly.

Is this thing with Zoé really a good idea? I mean you're different.

-It's a business relationship. -Okay.

We're not going to spend evenings together on the sofa.

We're not going to eat my favorite chips.

ASHA: THX for the invitation.

And we're not going to give our vaginas funny names.

The FemArt Collective is looking forward to the gig.

I'm not going near a vagina this weekend.

I'll channel my feelings into art

by organizing an art slam for the FemArt Collective.

You'll do what?

-Abstain from sex. -The other.

I'll host an event for the FemArt Collective.

They do nice art slams.

Those are feminists and you're a disaster.

Maybe the old Ben was, okay? But the new one,

sees them as colleagues.

Feminists plus poetry plus Ben...

-I call it fate. -I call it your funeral.

Wow!

Good morning, dearest roommate in the world!

What are you doing here? What time is it anyway?

Just the right time to start our life together.

Wait. You are moving in, like now?

I couldn't stand it in the youth hostel anymore. It was so messy...

and dirty.

Oh God.

Shall we maybe make a toast first? Prosecco?

Or not. So do you often throw...

parties here?

This is my creative order.

Do you bake with this?

Not directly.

And it's obviously not for you. Give it to me.

-Make me a coffee? -Sure.

Then we can talk about rent.

-The rent? -Yeah.

-750 a month. -Euro?

No. Peseta.

I really thought...

Oh, it was a joke.

Yes, this is Hamburg.

Yes, business relationship. Of course I pay.

No problem.

Of course.

Good. Then we agree and I'll just clean up here later and...

I'm going to work now. We have a huge event.

200 people and a breathtaking wedding.

Do I get my own key?

Sure. You can look for it yourself.

Those stupid things hide from me.

This feels like winning the lottery.

Take care...

best roommate in the world.

I'll be back at five! Bye!

Lovely fiancé, where are you? I got our lunch.

I finished writing the speech for your mother.

She won't be able to say no. Just like you. My raccoon.

The secret covenant of those who found a partner for life.

Speaking of dying...

Don't you have the feeling...

we're young.

And...

We have to cancel dinner.

-What? -I have to work.

A huge project.

It's Mina's fault.

You've never had to work on the weekend before.

True. But...

I want to climb up the ladder, so I have to show commitment.

On the weekend.

This weekend.

Is this about the wedding?

What? No.

Come on, Dennis. You can't fool me. I know you.

I am so proud of you.

My honey bear finally wants to earn his own money!

So...

you get yourself a promotion

and then I'll ask your mother for your hand in marriage.

That's how we do it.

Thanks.

This really is my chance to prove myself, right?

Although, the task, it's really...

For a wombat like me,

it's almost impossible.

I hope I don't mess it up.

No.

No?

No.

You need me. I'll go with you.

No, that's not possible.

Don't argue. Your path is also my path.

Come on.

1.80 meters? On stilts maybe.

Short, but hard like stone...

and you wanted distraction

You little pig. Interested in role play?

You don't know it closes at five. Close the door.

Last time you were at day care was four years ago, Jan!

Typical Jan!

My mother will pick them up. It doesn't matter.

She's used to filling in.

Good-for-nothing.

Idiot!

Why do men have to be so useless?

Well, Dennis? What's new?

Or did someone forget you too?

I can pick up myself.

I wanted to...

I wanted to ask if

I could work this weekend because of this project.

We don't. And even if...

you're just an intern.

That's right. But I'd like to prove myself.

So I would like to make an effort for o:ha Intim and for you.

You have problems at home. I know how that is.

-I have problems with my Jan. -Your partner's named Jan?

No, Yvonne.

But if it would help you,

because it would help me, if I could show you,

how useful men can be. So...

Despite having a girlfriend...

you want to work on the weekend to prove to me how

useful a man can be?

Please. I'll do anything you want.

-Are you serious? -Absolutely, yes.

-This never happened to me before. -You've never given me a chance.

You know what?

Why not?

Prove it to me.

You will not regret it. I promise.

I very much hope so.

The new vaginal creams need to be tested.

Great! I honestly find our products really awesome.

That stuff is crap!

People go crazy because it says vegan on it.

But you are right. Jan really is a problem.

And I deserve better.

Me too.

I'm home, roomie!

I got us some wine and chips. And I thought that...

-Why are you here? -I need to read the water meter.

The door was open, so...

You come in while I'm showering?

I have to read the meter.

-Scumbag. -You're crazy.

-Help! -Now hold still!

FIRE EXTINGUISHER

Yes!

-Come on! Stand still! -Oh, God! Please!

You are a dirty little pig.

Help! Help!

Zoé, I'll save you! Eat that, you asshole!

Shit!

Oh, man!

Do you want coffee?

Look, about yesterday, I'm really sorry. Okay?

-I'm just... -Psycho?

I know. I saw it.

Break the habit.

Get a new extinguisher.

And try not to kill anyone while I'm gone. Okay?

Jerry! Have you hung up all the breasts yet?

I think we need more.

Are you Ben?

Yo! Ben, king of men.

Asha. The main organizer.

You make the organization for the ladies convention by selection

You would make a great poet.

I write stuff here and there.

It looks awesome in here!

Thanks a lot, Ben.

You're welcome. That's what feminists

-should do. -You, a feminist?

Yes. Sure!

I love equality,

-218? -218.

Two-one-eight. Sure.

-How many women work here? -Women?

Yes.

Women are all in management here.

They're in the executive chair.

Yeah. We men are at the front

and we take care of the...

guests.

-Male and female guests. -Right. All right.

See you around.

Dude, what?

Surprise!

-You've been kondoed. -Kon-what?

Kondoed.

Organizing one's home is the magic that creates a happy life.

Everything's clean and organized.

Because a chaotic room reflects a chaotic soul.

And now there's really good energy in here.

For us.

Oh, yeah.

Does it make you happy?

-That's my asstray. -Exactly.

Look! Here. Here you go.

Red means: "Stop, privacy."

And green means: "Welcome, roomie!"

You don't have to lock the door.

-Unbelievable. -Right?

-It's great. -No.

No!

It looks like IKEA fucked a sterile infirmary, and had a baby.

And this?

I need your permission for nothing.

Hands off my shit.

Where are the glasses?

I probably shouldn't have moved in!

Probably? Definitely!

Why is Tobi doing in the dishwasher?

I say true feminism...

also fights for BIPOCs.

Also fights for LGBTQAI-plus.

For FLINTAs.

And most of all for non-binary and trans people.

-We are not this. We are not that. -What do you think?

I think so too. Wait till you see the next act.

Today we're free of gender construct.

Look at me, feel me

I'm Asha I exist

A feminist without crap

I know who I am My conscience is clear

I announce the happy ending Nipplegate was my fate

You unpack your dick, your balls I show you my nipples

You say I talk like a man I talk like a queen

Listen and look closely

Or are you afraid?

Afraid to lose control

My breasts give milk

Women are special

We can lactate

Does the cow need to hide?

I know the topic is important, but she should leave cows out of it.

No, you don't get it.

It's about the constant battle between cock and vagina.

Put your dicks away

The tits are taking over Tell your sons

To behave themselves We decide

What we do with our tits

As it's anti-woman As it's anti-human

So let's say

Animals that suck Open your eyes

Free the nipples!

I wasn't expecting that.

That's art.

So that your keys don't always hide from you.

Your friend, Nele

Yes, I love how I am

Heavy bones That's fat

44 plus That's fine

Fits to the beat

Love the dents Your fat ass

So let me bark

Sexual, sit on my face Geek machine

Dream guys

Fat queen

Finger-licking good like whipped cream

Fit, thick, skin-tight jeans

Give it up for Keke!

But before we close here

we'd like to invite to the stage the one who invited us to this.

And from what we've heard he also does

Ben! Ben!

-No, Ben. You can't. -Ben!

-Ben! -Come on. It's okay.

Finally, a hot jerk we can objectify.

-I'm Ben. -Hi, Ben.

-King of men at the poetry slam. -King of men!

Freedom-seeking.

Feminism-loving.

I'm the beau. I'm the bro.

Women-understander with standards.

What is he doing?

-Ridiculous. -I love you women, my kryptonite,

My knees...

-go weak when I see you. -Cringe.

The reason why I get up in the morning.

-What is he thinking? -This is shit.

Honestly?

I'm no master.

For women, I'm a disaster.

A friend of mine told me so.

And then I got it too.

I'm a construction project.

Cool, dude.

Yes, Ben!

Hand me the test Sex ban until the end of life

I think it's pretty hot

Because I believe in freedom for

All!

Hey women We can rely on you

Ben!

Hey, we are all just fruit

And that's the truth

Some have peaches And some have bananas

Fruit salad is the best mix ever

Hey, folks, nobody can deny that

Fruit salad!

Assassination Meat salad

Fruit salad!

Yeah, Magic Ben, show us!

At least you haven't had sex.

The ending was embarrassing, but the beginning was...

kind of embarrassing too.

But honest too.

Anja would be proud.

Listen...

I don't say it often...

But I'm sorry. Okay?

You're a good roommate.

Slightly invasive.

Especially when you're in my bathroom like a psycho with a fire extinguisher.

I kind of respect that too.

Will you please move back in?

Yes.

Hey, Ben. How are things with your fruit salad?

Fruit salad is sold out.

Fruit salad.

How am I supposed to test vag rejuvenation cream?

I think I have an idea how.

What are you doing?

I...

Take a second one.

The cleaners?

You really came.

To be honest, I wasn't so sure you would.

You already got the cream ready.

Let's get on with the rejuvenating. Things must be going really badly at home.

With your girlfriend.

You mean with his fiancée?

And if Dennis is going to rejuvenate anyone's vagina, it's mine.

Translated by Jill Heather Schmidt