Original subtitles

- We both moved to Metropolis at the same time. - On the same block.

- And for three years, we both worked on the 16th floor-- - 17th floor.

- ...at the Daily Planet where-- - I was a beat reporter covering City Hall.

Yes, you were.

- And I was on the sports desk covering baseball. - Football.

Right, right, right.

- For three years, we never met. - Three whole years.

Then one day, I was on the F train to get a blowout,

and Metallo derailed my train. Sent it airborne.

So I, uh... [laughs] So I caught that train and set it down

on top of the LexCorp building just to talk to her.

Yes, you did.

I had to reschedule my hair appointment.

[Harley] Holy shit. Do I love Valentine's Day?

Not only is it the gushiest, mushiest, most romantic day of the year,

but for 24 hours, you have a bulletproof excuse

for doing super cheesy shit for your partner.

You can eat as much chocolate as you want, no judgment.

And it's super fucking cold in February,

so it's the perfect excuse to snuggle.

[sighs dramatically] What's not to love about Valentine's Day?

Oh, I don't know. It's just one of the most egregiously wasteful holidays

in terms of nonbiodegradable packaging.

Not to mention, an annual mass genocide for roses.

I could go on.

Oh, come on, Ive. This is our very first Valentine's Day together.

Look, turn off the jazz documentary and let's go out.

Sweetie, I'm only on episode 11.

Fats Waller hasn't even gotten fat yet.

I promise, if you let me have this one,

I will never bring it up again.

You will absolutely bring it up every year.

Yeah, but with less gusto.

Fine, fine. Honey, fine, fine.

I'm saying, "fine." Look at me. I'm saying fine.

Just as long as it's, you know, low-key.

Fine. We'll have a quiet dinner for two at Mama Macaroni's,

where the breadstick basket, much like my love for you, is bottomless.

Uh, you got me there.

[sighs] All right, fine. Let me, let me change out

of my bingeing sweats and we'll get out of here.

[guffaws]

It is the feast of St. Valentine,

and I, [in sing-song voice] Clayface, have met a special someone online.

Dude, that's literally Jason Momoa.

You're getting catfished.

Jerry from Hoboken, New Jersey begs to differ.

Awesome. So look, if he does end up murdering you,

I'm not gonna identify your corpse unless

I'm, like, in the area and it's really convenient.

Who is pumped for the best VD ever?

I mean, ugh, look, you know what I meant.

Mm-hmm. Honey, I am so pumped because it's gonna be great.

It's not gonna be great.

It's gonna be the best Valentine's Day ever!

Right, because it's so low-key.

Uh-huh.

[humming]

So, Clock King tells me you're going

to a painting and wine-drinking event tonight for Valentine's Day.

Mmm, that sounds colorful and fun.

Ugh. Yeah, well, Clocky likes it and it basically guarantees sex,

so I'll suffer through it.

- I wish I had a special someone with whom to spend the evening. - [sighs]

Oh, here we go.

I'm on all the dating apps, but haven't swiped right once.

I can't get past the profiles.

Does no one understand correct grammar, dangling modifiers,

sentence fragments, using the word "anyways" as a transition...

It's "anyway"!

There's no "S"!

And as you know, nothing turns me off more

than reckless disregard for language.

Does anyone know that?

You do now.

"Anyway," it appears I'll be spending my Valentine's alone

in darkness and solitude, where I was born.

Unless that painting and wining event has, uh, any openings...

No.

Mmm.

[Poison Ivy] ♪ Mama Macaroni Get in my mouth ♪

[vocalizing]

I have got to hand it to you, Harls.

You've managed to keep V-Day low-key.

I appreciate that.

Aw, I'm really best at listening, ain't I?

In regards to tonight?

[hesitates] Yes.

Ah, signoras, it is your lucky night.

You have been selected to sample a new item

from the chef's experimental menu.

- This is a vegan La-zeat-balls. - Ooh, yeah!

They are a lasagna inside a baked ziti inside a fried meatball.

Also known as the Tuscan turducken.

What... Oh, fuck my taste buds. The fuck?

Ive, what are the odds that your three favorite dishes

ate each other and now, you get to eat that?

Harley, you're gonna have to get in on this before I inhale it,

'cause it's just like... It's like Under the Tuscan Sun

is, like, playing inside my mouth right now

and we're, like, in the third act where, like, Diane Lane, just, like,

met the American writer and, like, they leave it open-ended but you know

everything's going to work out which is so artful and--

Mmm. Goddamn da ding-dong, these are fucking good.

[door slams open]

Ahhh!

All right. Sorry to crash Valentine's Day, lovebirds.

But if the chef don't hand over his recipe for those La-zeat-balls,

we'll blow the whole ristorante back to the old country.

[stammering] Please, just take the recipe, and don't hurt nobody, huh?

In the name of the father, the son, and the Mama Macaroni.

Pleasure doing business with ya.

Come on, boys. Andiamo-ce.

- [both groan in disgust] - [Poison Ivy] Go, go, go.

Okay. We have to do something.

That recipe cannot fall into the wrong hands.

It's just too damn delicious.

Getaway car is headed toward Robinson Park.

Ha-ha! Wrong move, you dipshits.

You just picked the most densely-planted park in all of Gotham.

- Hyah! - [horse neighs]

[Poison Ivy] Whoo!

[yelps]

[groans]

[thugs shout indistinctly]

[thug] Ahhh!

Please, ladies. Don't kill us.

Fork it over. Fork over the La-zeat-balls recipe, you fuckstick.

We were just the middle men.

[stammers] We was hired by the CEO of Luxor Oil.

Yeah, his appetite for unsustainable fossil fuel

and new takes on traditional Italian cooking are both insatiable.

[helicopter whirring]

Turn over the recipe for the La-zeat-balls, Ivy,

or else the love of your life dies.

And on Valentine's Day, no less.

[laughing maniacally]

Ahhh!

That's right. I just gave you the bird.

As in whirlybird, which is another name for helicop--

You know what? Just never mind.

It doesn't matter. I'm... I'm alive, and you're dead.

Oh, my God, Ive. It's over.

You saved me. You saved us all.

Wait, Harley. Did... did you stage all of this for me?

- Yeah. - I thought it was the only way

you'd let me give you the best Valentine's Day ever.

What about the oil exec?

That was actually the CEO of Luxor Oil.

I had him shipped in, special for you,

and told him I'd kill him unless he pointed a gun at me. [chuckles]

I know it wasn't exactly low-key like you asked for.

- But, you know, it was, uh-- - I love you so much, peanut.

That's your cue, Etrigan.

Hellfire from below, glow from death and decay,

light up the sky for St. Valentine's Day.

[laughing]

[horse nickers]

So, would you say this is the best Valentine's Day ever?

It's so, so great.

Great.

Yeah, great. Sure.

A while back, around 2500 BC, when I went by Prince Khufu,

I was in the market having beers

with a buddy of mine named Asim, and this gorgeous Princess Chay-Ara

makes a grand entrance with this whole entourage.

[giggles] It's me.

And I say to Asim,

"You see that woman?

- I'm going to marry her." - [giggles]

Now, this was ancient Egypt, so she didn't have much of a choice.

- Yeah, no choice, no choice. - Two weeks later, we were married,

- and it lasted about 40 years. - Lovely years.

- And then we were murdered by Hittites. - Murdered horribly.

- But we were reincarnated and found each other again. - We did.

- We married. We died. - Yeah.

- We got reincarnated. - Yup.

- Time and again-- - Again.

...we always managed to find each other.

And here we are, 5,000 years later, still together.

[funky music playing]

[rat squeaking]

[line ringing]

- [man] Yeah? - Jerry, it is I, Clayface.

So eager to meet you in the flesh, yet, uh, mystified

that the address seems to be in Crime Alley.

Yeah, that's right.

It's a... It's a new vegan coffee shop.

It just opened in the very darkest part.

[laughing] Mystery solved through the miracle of gentrification.

OMW.

[rats squeaking]

[Clayface] Hmm.

[muttering indistinctly]

There it is. Is that it? No, that's not it. Wait a minute.

Vegan coffee shop, vegan coffee shop.

Wait a minute.

All coffee is vegan.

I've been had.

[in Australian accent] Well, that was a piece of piss.

Jerry from Hoboken?

Aw, you brought me a flower. You bloody drongo.

Oh, dear.

I don't believe I understood a word you said.

[Clayface groaning]

[grunts]

Are you bloody serious, mate?

You don't have any cash.

Just two nosebleed seat tickets to some shitty show at Gotham Amphitheater.

I was going to surprise you.

Well, now I'm defo gonna kill ya.

Ahhh!

Ah! Too-roo.

[groans softly] I'm so glad you talked me into that.

That... What a great night.

Yeah. No. I'm glad you thought it was great.

Which is a word reserved for things that are the very best they can be.

Like how a Greatest Hits album is full of a band's best songs

or how the Great Depression was the best depression. So...

Uh...

Wait, what the fuck are you talking about?

I just wanted to throw you the best V-Day you ever had.

Oh, my God! Would you look at me, you psycho?

It was the greatest Valentine's Day that I have ever had.

Ugh, now I'm going to go take a shower

because I'm covered in brimstone soot from hell

thanks to Etrigan's gorgeous fireworks.

Mm-kay?

Yeah, yeah, cool. Okay, cool.

Sure. Mm-hmm.

[giggles] Happy Valentine's Day.

- Oh, nice night for you. - [woman giggles]

Stupid Valentine's Day.

- [woman] Hey! - Huh?

- Ooh. - You get lost?

Yeah, my GPS took me a block away, too.

[sputters] What?

Come on, we're... we're late.

[hesitating] Okay, why not?

- Uh, name's Betty, by the way. - I am Bane.

I like it. Mine's a stage name too.

[whispers] Real name's Elizabeth.

So look, this client is pretty demanding.

He knows if you're holding back on him.

So, let's get hypothetical here.

If you're spanking me or humiliating me or torching my anus,

am I gonna feel it in the morning?

It would be extremely painful for you.

You're gonna do great. [slaps]

Um, what exactly is going on here?

Hey, Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, hey. Thank you.

Oh, Steve.

[knocking at door]

Ugh, what now?

Wonder Woman, Themyscira needs your help.

- What's happened? - The island is under attack.

- By who? - Uh, by... by some dudes.

What? There's no men allowed on Themyscira.

Yeah, exactly. That's why we're all so pissed.

They all just, like, landed on the island.

And one of them was like, "I'm gonna teabag the fucking...

sacred artifact thing you guys love."

- The Oculus of the Argo? - Yes. Exactly. That.

[gasps] It's sacred.

This is what I'm saying. We gotta get going.

Wait! Why didn't you light a signal fire to alert me?

We did. But one of those assholes peed out the fire.

We were all like, "Dude, what the fuck?

So disrespectful."

Oh.

Wait. This seems odd to me.

Hey, if you don't believe me, hear it straight from the Queen.

Help me, Diana. You're our only hope.

Great Hera! I'm coming.

Thank you, Cameo. Best 40 bucks I've ever spent.

And may your quinceanera be suited for the gods.

So, I'm sitting in my dermatologist's office.

I had a mole that looked a little weird.

He's a total hypochondriac.

A melanoma is no joke.

[whines and clears throat] So, anyway, I'm there,

and this one walks in. And immediately, I'm like, "Wow--"

I looked awful.

I had literally just been to hell and back. I was summoning a succubus.

But to me, she looked beautiful.

So anyway, I say, "Hey, any spawns of Satan come through here?"

And I go, "Well, you're probably looking for the law firm next door."

Uh, which, you know, cheesy joke.

It was cute.

Sometimes I'm cute. [purrs]

Oh, I am slain.

[groans softly]

[screams] Help me!

♪ Ah, I am slain ♪

Ah! I am slain. I need help.

No, I am slain and need help.

Oh, my lesser half.

Come, let Daddy reabsorb you.

"Lesser half"? What?

What makes you think I cannot reabsorb you?

Because your face is where my ass should be.

I mean, I'm clearly the dominant half.

Oh, what does it matter?

We are as broken as that rose.

Let us just clasp hands and reabsorb each other, and then we will be...

[wails] Alone!

My God, you're right. Alone.

Forever an outcast.

No one to love.

Or be loved by.

[whimpers]

[both wail] A monster!

♪ What'sa matter you? ♪

♪ Gotta no respect ♪

♪ Whadda you think you do ♪

♪ Why you look-a so sad?♪

♪ It's-a not so bad ♪

♪ It's-a nice-a place ♪

♪ Ah, shaddap-a you face ♪

[both laughing]

Oh, that's wonderful.

How delightful that you remember the song from our childhood!

The one the...

[together] ...handsy pizza guy used to sing.

- [both laughing] - Oh.

I have never met anyone that I connected to so quickly and completely.

Might I ask,

how do you identify?

You know, sexually.

I identify as fluid.

As do I.

[grunts]

[groaning]

Harley, what the fuck are you doing?

Stop, wait...

Wait, is this the real Lasso of Truth?

Oh, wait a second. Is this the one that you got from Halloween

when you tried to go as Wonder Wolf-man and no one got it?

I was a wolf wearing a Wonder Woman suit. It made perfect fucking sense.

But no, this is the real Lasso of Truth. I just stole it.

May I ask why you did this very stupid thing?

Ivy,

was this the best Valentine's Day that you have ever had?

Y... No, it was top three.

Bah! Fuck.

I fucking knew it.

Top three, very good.

Let me out of this thing.

Hey, Harley, who cares?

It was a great Valentine's Day. Great.

[shrieking] Stop saying things are great.

[sighs in exasperation]

With the Joker, every single year,

I made sure that Valentine's Day was better than the one before it.

And although my credit score is now absolute shit

and I am banned for life from most of Gotham City's craft supply stores,

[screams] I did it!

Well, guess what?

I'm not the Joker.

I don't give a shit.

I had a splendid, splendid-- That's an okay word, right?

...Valentine's Day and now, I would love

to end it by bingeing

one of the many fine scripted or non-scripted shows

that HBO Max has to offer, then have some sex,

and go to bed.

Like, perfect ending to a perfect Valentine's Day.

Ping.

Well, not perfect, right?

[sighs in exasperation] Harley.

Okay, okay. Why don't you figure out something to watch while I hit the head?

Just FYI, it's gonna take a bit, okay? I ate something weird.

I might have that thing where my legs fall asleep and you know the rest.

[sensual rock music playing]

[Bane] So, Betty, uh, how did you get into this, uh, line of work?

Well, I used to be an accountant

and just sitting all day in those shitty chairs with no lumbar support...

Oh, my God. The lumbar, always ignored.

Tell me about it.

They never want to spring for a good chair.

But you know what happens when you're not comfortable at work?

Yeah, productivity goes down.

Exactly. Penny-wise, pound-foolish.

[laughs] I feel like I know you.

I was thinking the same.

[stammers] And I hope this isn't too forward,

but how would you like to come to my place after this?

[stammering] But this... Can I?

Yes, I would like that very much.

Hey, uh, is ignoring me part of the experience?

Because, if so, it's more annoying than humiliating.

[shrieking] Shut up! What are you gonna do about it,

you baby-dicked piece of shit? With your tiny penis?

Thank you.

Oh, where'd it go?

I need my electron microscope if I'm gonna find that nub.

Hey, get in on this, huh?

I mean, I'm looking at it and, and, uh--

How can you see it? I can't.

It's so small.

Well, I, I mean, I don't know if small is the word I would use or, or, or tight, I don't--

No, she's right.

It looks like one of those pissing fountain cherubs.

- Go on. Have another look. - [Bane hesitates]

Damn, it was a genuine pleasure watching you work, Bane.

Uh, thanks, I guess.

So, we still have a few hours of Valentine's Day left, and my offer still stands.

My place or yours?

Hmm... Let's do yours. My place is a pit.

Well, my place is covered in cat hair.

So, let's toss a coin?

[both laugh]

I'll call a car.

Hey, uh, did you mean what you said to that guy about the size of his penis?

I'm sure he's not packing the kind of heat you're packing, big guy.

[laughs nervously] For sure. Absolutely.

I am surely packing much more heat than this man who

most people would agree has a very decently-sized penis. [laughing nervously]

I can't wait to see for myself.

You and me both.

Hey, why don't you go ahead and text me your address?

I just need to make a quick stop first to, um,

grab a hoagie and carbo-load for our lovemaking.

Mmm, don't be long.

You'll see how long I am.

[giggles] Oh, my.

Uh, okay.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

[in menacing voice] If you've come here to feed your foolish vice,

[in normal voice] it's Valentine's Day. It's all half price.

I got a specific request for ya, E-man.

How do I put this? I'm kind of, sort of, looking for--

A sex spell.

How'd you know?

Just the bulk of our business all year round.

Helping those who wish to... [chuckling]

bone down.

Okay. I want to give Ive the best Valentine's Day she's ever had.

Which naturally means the biggest orgasm she's ever had.

Like, you know, some crazy shit

where our neighbors think someone died and they call the cops.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, do I know.

I may have just the spell.

And I'll throw in some cleaner to, you know, take away the smell.

It's like 40% creepier that you make it rhyme, but, you know, whatever.

[in menacing voice] Read this out loud

and you shall summon a power that will have you both--

Okay, okay. I get it. I get it.

"Double, double, toil and trouble.

Beyonce's thighs and Clooney's stubble.

Ass of Meloni and eye of Zendaya, tossed into a hellish fire.

Whoa!

So what, now I'm like a sex machine?

The next person you bed shall feel divine.

Tax included, that'll be, uh, $49.99.

Oh, and I think it's pronounced Zen-day-a.

Zen-day-a.

[huffing]

[Poison Ivy] Hey, Harls?

[Harley groaning]

You okay in there, babe?

Is this, uh, is this La-zeat-balls related or--

Sorry, babe. Took a little time to get the trains running. But run, they did.

Totally thought about what you said about how this Valentine's Day was great,

and I should not obsess,

and I think you're right.

Listen, I don't need to go overboard and try to woo you.

We just hang out here

and be with each other, and it will be great.

I'm, like, so turned on right now.

Oh, you don't wanna watch a show first?

I cannot believe I'm saying this, but...

No.

[kissing and moaning]

[yowls]

[Harley moans]

[Poison Ivy groans]

- [Poison Ivy] Oh, wow! - [Harley] Oh, my fucking God.

Wow, wow, wow.

[Poison Ivy vocalizes]

♪ It's the right thing for me ♪

[screams] Yeow! Yeah! [laughs]

Whoa!

- [exhales] - That was...

Yeah, I've um...

[chuckles] Shit, I don't [inhales]

know if I've ever had anything quite like that.

Um--

Are you saying that was the best you've ever had?

Not that that matters at all.

We're not saying what's the best and not the best.

But if we were ranking things, which we're not, would you say that?

Yeah, I... I... I think so.

But if you take that Lasso of Truth and put it around me,

I swear to God, I will strangle you with it. So...

- [Harley] Fuck yeah! - [Poison Ivy] ...fair warning.

[man screaming] I'm so fucking horny!

What the hell?

[woman] Yes!

[people moaning and groaning]

They're doing it right there in the street, like animals.

What the fuck is happening?

Well, I grew up in the underwater kingdom of Xebel,

and was raised as an assassin.

Eventually, I was sent to the surface world

to hunt down the future monarch of Atlantis.

And I was that future monarch.

Well, clearly, I failed on my mission.

What can I say? I can be pretty charming. [laughs]

She does have a solid left hook, though.

We got married within a year, which turned out to be

the only thing in centuries that could unite our respective kingdoms.

It just goes to show you that two parties from two totally different walks,

swims of life, can be stronger together.

There's no hope for surface dwellers, though.

They're whale excrement.

She's kidding.

- She's-- - I'm not kidding.

Ugh, fine. I'm kidding.

[softly] I'm not kidding.

[giggles] Oh, how my clay

aches for you, my [vocalizes] love.

As does mine for you, my dear.

Our hearts literally beat as one and yet...

We are forever unable to touch lest I reabsorb you,

forever wiping that beautiful face from [vocalizes] existence.

We are the doomed product of a liaison between twin mistresses,

Fate and Irony.

But I suppose we can still love each other and never touch.

It is the way of the American marriage.

Absolutely.

We are adults, we can control our own libido.

[both groaning in surprise]

- [both sighing] - Oh, no!

We mustn't mix media.

[horses neighing]

[both groaning in disgust]

[in menacing voice] I'm sorry, sir. You're too late.

Close at 9:00.

- [in normal voice] It's 9:08. - You have to help me.

It's an emergency, okay?

Men are from Mars. Women, Venus. Let me guess.

You want to have a bigger penis, right?

I... Well...

Yeah, I... I mean, my penis is actually a good size.

It's just that my body is actually also incredibly large.

It's like if you took Kawhi Leonard's hands

and you put them on Andre the Giant's body.

Everybody knows Kawhi has--

[in menacing voice] No matter its size, this will enlarge.

- Now, how will you be paying, cash or charge? - Hmm.

Oh, my God. Take my money.

So I just recite the incantation

while applying the potion to the problem area.

Easy-peasy.

"Do not take if you have kidney problems or are pregnant."

Yada, yada, yada. Okay, here you go.

"Take pity on my shrunken junk and turn this twig to redwood trunk."

Okay. Yes. I definitely feel something.

[groans] Is it supposed to burn like this?

Ooh, ow! Ugh, ow! Ow!

God damn it!

[reading]

Well, that is a fuck to the face.

[straining]

Bane, you impetuous fool.

You're so stupid.

And also...

so uncontrollably horny.

[squelching]

[roars softly]

[woman moaning in pleasure]

[people moaning in pleasure]

Okay, well, don't get mad.

But I may have used a magic spell to give you

the best sex you've ever had in your entire life.

Harley. [groans]

Oh, you can't possibly be mad at me for getting you off too good.

That is not a thing.

I... I... Well, I think I can when this... this is happening.

Look, if the end result of this is just that everyone is super horny

and they all go and have amazing consensual sex on Valentine's Day,

then I really don't see the problem.

- [sighs] Oh. - [man] ...my head all the way down to my toes.

Shit, man. You got a point.

[loud banging]

- [woman] Ahhh! - [man] Oh, my God. No, run!

My libido knows no bounds.

Ahhh!

- [people screaming] - [man] Run!

I, uh, uh... Somebody else did that.

Okay, yeah. That's obviously an unforeseen problem we must address.

- [woman moaning in pleasure] - [spanking]

[Darkseid] I was delivering the keynote at the Republican National Convention

when I saw her cold, dead eyes from across the room.

I demanded she sit at my side, as queen of Apokolips, or else I would destroy her.

She asked to see my last three bank statements.

I enjoy our chit-chats the most.

We never run out of subjects to talk about it.

Darkseid is... is...

in love.

Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight.

For I ne'er saw true beauty till this...

♪ Night ♪

It is agony to be so close and yet so far, my inamorato.

[rubber stretching]

I'm getting nothing.

- [both struggling] - [glass breaking]

- [whimpers] - Ahhh!

The only thing worse than not being with you...

...is being with you but unable to be inside you.

It would seem our love is, indeed, star-crossed.

Goodbye, my love.

Goodbye.

I shall take some comfort in knowing

that somewhere out there, my soulmate wanders.

Here, before you go, please accept these tickets I bought for us

for Mr. Brett Goldstein's one-man show. at Gotham Amphitheater.

Alas, I cannot.

I have a hole in my heart that not even Ted Lasso's Roy Kent can fill.

[elevator dings]

Non-refundable? Mr. Goldstein, I am on my way.

[Bane] Was that good for you, baby?

Ahhh!

My loins will never be sated!

He's a giant fucking kaiju.

I honestly don't know why he's that big,

but he must have, like, inhaled a metric ton of my pheromones or something?

I mean, that's the only explanation for why

he just came inside the fourth floor of the stock exchange.

- You know what I'm saying? - So can't you just, like,

kiss him to transfer some unhorny pheromones?

Um, I mean, in theory, yes.

But how am I gonna get all the way up there to get his mask off and do that?

You don't have to. We're gonna bring him down to us.

Get ready, Ive. I'm gonna draw him to you.

Ow! God damn it.

[muffled groaning]

[Poison Ivy] Hurry, get his mask off.

[chuckles] I can't believe that worked.

Of course it worked. I'm always thinking ten steps ahead, baby.

Hello, Gotham City. What say you spend your Valentine's Day with me,

Emmy-winning actor, writer, and British bad boy, Brett Goldstein.

I'll be reading selected works of Lord Byron,

the Brett Goldstein of the 19th century.

That voice!

A lower-middle-class South London accent that says

he's not afraid of hard labor in the workplace or in bed.

[screams] I must have him!

Argh!

Mama Macaroni!

[man screaming]

Bane, what are you doing?

[grunting]

I can't control my libido.

[grunting] I'm almost not doing this.

Have mercy!

[struggling]

[building rumbling]

[moaning] No!

Brett Goldstein, you deserve someone who makes you feel

like you've been fucked by lightning.

[straining]

Maybe they can rebuild it?

All I wanted for Valentine's Day was to hang out

in our fucking apartment and fucking watch TV and have sex.

But no, it wasn't enough for you.

And now you've ruined my favorite restaurant in all of Gotham City.

I, I think they opened a second location in Bludhaven.

You know, you say you wanted to do something special for me,

but you don't listen when I try to tell you what I actually want.

What about what I want?

You wanted to go out.

I said yes, even though I didn't want to, because I listened.

I listened to what you wanted.

And I said, "Okay."

I didn't mean for this to happen,

and because I am not yet ready

to accept blame for ruining Valentine's Day,

I am going to focus on beating the shit out of Bane.

[roars]

I mean, at least she's self-aware.

Coming, Harley.

Ahhh!

Oh, my God!

[Bane] I will make BAFTA-winning love to you, Brett Goldstein!

How are we gonna move all those people out of there?

I mean, they paid 120 bucks to see a guy polish his stupid Emmy.

Do they really need to live?

Ive!

- [Bane groans] - [Harley and Poison Ivy scream]

[grunting]

[Poison Ivy] Hey, girl, I think we have only one option.

We have to turn off Bane.

Okay. Bane has to have listed some turnoffs

on his dating profile.

Favorite TV shows: the later seasons of The Office?

What the fuck? What a psycho.

If he liked the Dexter series finale, I'm, like, through with him.

Don't worry. There's a few other things on here

that might work to give him a hard-off.

[Clayface] Your attention, please.

If someone is in need of an extra ticket for tonight's performance,

oh, cruel fate has absconded with my beloved plus-one.

[wails]

But his joy can be yours for the low price of $80.

Do you think someone laced our weed?

[Clayface 2] But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east and Clayface, the sun.

And there is my moon.

I dare dream your voice would be accompanied

by your gorgeous countenance.

You and I are so exactly the same.

I bet we could finish each other--

Off.

Yes, well, I was going to say sentences,

but this must be fate, demanding we be together.

This is so fucking weird.

"So, we'll go no more a roving So late into the night,

Though the heart be still as loving,

And the moon be still as bright.

For the sword outwears its sheath,"

[groans]

"And the heart must pause to breathe,

And love itself have rest.

Though the night was made for loving,

And the day returns too soon,

Yet we'll go no more a roving By the light of the moon."

So what if we can never touch?

Just knowing we are not alone in this world,

that I ache for you the same way that you ache--

- [splattering] - [both scream]

[screams] No!

You will be bent into positions you did not know possible, Brett Goldstein.

[growls]

Everyone, calmly head for the nearest exit.

Do not gawk at the large testicles swinging like wrecking balls.

[screams]

[grunting]

We may have his turnoffs, honey,

but how the hell are we gonna get him to hear them?

We're not. But he is.

Hey, quick question.

Can you grow to a giant-sized version of Brett Goldstein,

then start shouting some of Bane's turnoffs at him

so he stops trying to fuck you?

First of all,

not a quick question.

There are a lot of problematic things in there.

And secondly, no, I cannot accommodate you

whilst my heart is broken.

[woman screaming]

Clayface, let me ask you something. This is serious, okay?

If Ian Somerhalder could continue filming Season 5 of Vampire Diaries

after his breakup with Nina Dobrev,

you can do this.

You can do it.

It's true.

That was some of his finest work.

I suppose it is the challenge of a lifetime.

And I would Stanis-love-sky to do it!

Where did the hell did you pull that from?

My aunt posted an article about celeb breakups on Wayneface the other day, so...

[Bane whimpers]

Do my eyes deceive me or are you fun-sized?

Eh, start talking about his turnoffs.

He hates angel hair pasta and that thing

where you say goodbye to someone but then you both walk in the same direction.

He hates that.

Young master Bane, I know my stubbly, rugged appearance may belie this,

but I know a thing or two about love,

and let me assure you, love is in the eye of the beholder.

And you don't need to copulate with the building

until it crumbles to the ground to let it know that you love it.

I mean, what is horny, if not love...

♪ Persevering? ♪

[Bane] Ah. What?

Anyways, I digress.

It's "anyway."

It's not "anyways."

It is? "Anyways" sounds right to a boy born and raised in salt-of-the-earth

Sutton, United Kingdom.

That really begs the question.

- Why isn't it "anyways"? - No.

No, no. God, that's not the correct usage of "begs the question."

You're not supposed to just use it in place of "raises the question."

It is to be used only to identify flawed premises,

as in, "The American public's acceptance of "anyways" because 'everyone does it already'

really begs the fucking question."

Ahhh! So annoying.

He's getting turned off. It's working. It's working!

The only thing I'm certain of now

is that I will never see anything stupider in my life.

The event promoters have informed me

that refunds do not apply to massive homicidal bellends.

I'm so sorry.

I wish I could do something. I am but one human man.

[Harley] Are you good now? You gonna stop humping stuff?

Yes.

Thank you for saving me.

Yeah, I don't know what got into me.

Except for all that testosterone and reproductive fluid.

Oh, yeah. See, I got a magic spell to give Ive the best orgasm she ever had,

and then her pheromones exploded everywhere and made you supes horny.

But I'm really not sure why you're so giant.

I also got a magic spell to... [sighs]

do something nice for someone on Valentine's Day.

Aw, trying to pack a little more heat, huh?

I packed the appropriate amount of heat.

[sighs]

This is the second-biggest Valentine's Day disaster I've ever had.

[stammers] I mean, pray tell, what was the first?

When I missed the Season 8 episode of The Office

where Jim goes to Tallahassee to see Robert California.

God, what the fuck was even going on in that show?,

[sighs] I guess it's another solo V-Day.

Maybe I'll go back to the pit and cuddle with a pile of rocks.

[Betty] Want some company?

Betty, what are you doing here?

Well, I saw you getting it on with the skyline and thought,

"Hey, back off, Wayne Tower! That's my man!"

Ha! So my giant body is not a turn-off to you?

You have a sexual charisma of which I'd like to be a part.

Ending your sentence with a noun, as opposed to a preposition...

Bane likey.

[giggles] Let's get out of here, big guy.

[giggling]

- Um... - How do you think that's gonna work?

You know, not well.

Wow! The smoke from the millions of square feet of rubble

really makes for a beautiful night sky, Ive.

The next time you get the idea

to do something extra Harley to prove your love to me,

I just want you to know you don't have to.

Because it doesn't matter

if something's the best Valentine's Day

or date night or orgasm I've ever had or not,

because this is the best relationship

I've been in. By a mile.

Yeah, I think the orgasm matters.

Yeah, I didn't totally buy that either when I said it.

I just needed, like, a third example

for the structure of the speech, so...

You know, you never just...

You never just asked me what my best Valentine's Day ever was.

I don't want to hear about some pimple-faced kid

from your boarding school giving you a hickey.

No, that's not it.

It was a long, long time ago,

when I was alone,

sitting in my cell in Arkham, feeling like

[sighs] no one in the damn world cared about me.

Like, if I disappeared from the Earth,

it just wouldn't matter.

And then I... I hear a knock on my cell

and I look up

and I see your face.

You brought me some chocolate milk that you... you stole from the commissary,

and asked if I wanted some company.

And I said, "Sure."

And then you described the entire plot of Shrek 2 to me

because you couldn't believe I hadn't seen it.

It's not as good as the first one,

but it's more fun.

You, Harley.

You made me feel like... like I mattered.

And no one had ever really done that for me.

So I just... I don't know.

I don't know if that Valentine's Day can be topped.

- I love you, Ive. - I love you too, peanut.

The first time we met, we tried to kill each other.

No, you... you didn't try to kill me. I tried to kill you.

But then you saved my life.

Well, you were the first person I met who wasn't a piece of shit.

- So, [laughs] I was, you know-- - I think another way to say it, is you liked me.

I did. I liked you. [chuckles softly]

And we became friends. And then we fell in love.

- And then-- - Sorry, wait. Why are we doing this?

Because everyone knows all this shit already.

So I'm just trying to understand.

I think these things need to be a certain length.

Oh, my God. How do we...

How do we end this fucking shit?

I could recap Shrek 3.

So when King Harold dies, Shrek learns--

How about we just, like, say "Happy Valentine's Day" to everyone

and get the fuck out of here?

[both] Happy Valentine's Day!

[both moan]

[theme music playing]