Original subtitles

- (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) - (WHIRRING)

That's the last one.

When the audience gets a load of my movie,

they won't know what hit 'em.

(LAUGHS)

- Hey, what are you doing? - Um...

- (BEEPS) - The seating inspector.

Counting gum under the seats.

People are disgusting. Bye!

Ka-powza!

- Larry, the Magic Boy... - (GROWLING)

...is going to use the Amulet of Yandu.

- (GROANS) - You mean the Amulet of Yan-don't.

(ALL LAUGH)

I don't get it.

Big plans, mi amore?

Yeah, sure do.

I'm checking out the new Larry the Magic Boy movie.

You get to see Larry the Magic Boy and the Spoon that is also Magic?

How? It's not out till next month.

Eh, it's an advanced screening. Fred hooked me up.

She's in the industry.

Screen two on your left.

LTMB is the most awesome movie franchise ever.

So lucky. I wish we got to go.

Oh. (CLICKS TONGUE) I wish I could take you, but...

Ey, why not?

- I'm sure Fred could get them in, too. - (MUMBLING)

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

BAILEY: Let's go get ready!

You didn't let me finish.

I'm going with Hiromi, Mother.

Oh, like a date?

Well, you know...

Yo, KGG.

Fred says you're going to the Larry The Magic Boy advanced screening.

(CLEARS THROAT) Yeah. She, uh, hooked you up, too?

Yep. Maybe I'll see you there.

Maybe.

That's not a date.

You're taking Gretel and Bailey to the movie.

Mom, there's absolutely no way I'm doing that.

It's not gonna happen.

GRETEL AND BAILEY: Ka-powza!

Larry The Magic Boy.

Predictable heteronormative rom-com.

Screen seven.

Wait a minute. Who are you?

I'm running the projector

for the Larry The Magic Boy screening.

Isn't that Derrick's job?

He's got the night off.

(MUMBLING)

All right, go on in.

BOTH: Larry The Magic Boy!

- Yo, Kevin. - Hiromi

She's not Hiromi.

She's Grimply, the head custodian

of the New Jersey Annex of Magic.

Ka-powza! Grimply cleans up

after all the little sorcerers!

Uh, I'm sorry. My mom made me bring Gretel and Bailey.

The more the merrier, right?

Ha! Right, yeah.

It's so good that you're not disappointed.

Let's go, gang. Ka-powza!

- BAILEY AND GRETEL: Yeah! - (SIGHS) Yay.

Oh, wow, it's Vierma, the warlock.

Larry, the magic boy,

Grimply, the custodian, and Kevin...

- The Kevin. - Thanks for the extra tickets, Fred.

Have an enchanted evening.

Next.

Look! Look, look, look. Caramel sewer rats.

Just like in Larry The Magic boy.

How about we let them get the seats

while you and I get the snacks?

You and I? Get... Just the two of...

Sure, yeah. (CLEARS THROAT) It's cool.

- Let's go. Ka-powza! - Go! Ka-powza!

May I suggest the sugar-free caramel sewer rats.

(ARTHOUSE LAUGHS MALICIOUSLY)

- (BEEPS) - (WHIRRING)

(WHIRRING)

Super projector is ready.

I'll have my revenge for what

Larry the Magic Boy did to me back in film school.

I remember it like it was three months ago.

Thanks for seeing my movie.

Uh, any questions? Maybe we should turn on house lights?

Huh?

Oh, they dropped a new Larry the Magic Boy trailer.

Everyone went to the lobby to watch it on their phones.

(YELLS) No!

Wow, I really got caught up in that flashback.

Oh, are you down to share popcorn?

Just to warn you. I take mine with a lot of butter.

Like, a concerning amount.

Uh, yeah, yeah. Whatever you want.

And a large popcorn to share. Please.

Would you like to upgrade to a Super Jumbo?

Only 50 cents more,

but it could feed a cape buffalo. Free refill.

No, thanks. Just the large.

Fine, but you'll be back.

- Your kind always comes back! - (SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS)

Okay, that'll be $20, please.

Oh, uh, no, I was gonna get this.

I insist. Especially after I butter up this popcorn.

(GRUFFLY) Grimply loves the butter.

Kapowza!

Okay, so she paid for the popcorn.

But we're sharing it. That... That's something, right?

Dude, it's not a date.

(DOORS CREAK)

Kevin, Hiromi, up here.

We got the best seats in the house.

Closest to the action and the speaker.

Shh!

Ahem.

(SIGHS)

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

KEVIN: (SINGING) Oh, I won't lie

You give me butterflies

- But do I give you anything at all? - (LAUGHING)

And I don't want to be that guy

Who oversteps the bounds

But I don't wanna drop the ball

Oh, I might beg or have a move

If I could think of any clever thing to say

But then I think

What would that prove?

With us so far apart and these grade schoolers in the way

You fit me like a glove

But do I only fit you like a shoe?

Oh, how I wish

I knew

How you feel about me

(SQUAWKING)

'Cause when push comes to shove

I don't understand love

And I got so much lemonade

I really need to pee

But still I wish I knew

How you feel about me

(SIGHS)

GRETEL: Psst, Kevin.

You want some popcorn?

Ahh! (SIGHS) Oh, come on.

Shh! You're ruining the trailer.

- You okay? - Uh, yeah.

I just need to get some more popcorn. (CHUCKLES)

Excuse me.

I'll go with him and get some drinks.

These snacks are making me really thirsty.

Good call.

Larry the Magic Boy took everything.

But now it will give me what I always wanted.

A captive audience! (CACKLES)

Good evening. I'm sure you're all very excited

for Larry the Magic Boy and the Spoon that is also Magic.

(AUDIENCE CLAPPING AND CHEERING)

ALL: Larry! Larry! Larry!

Well, you'll have to see that some other time,

because tonight's feature will instead be

my four-hour experimental short film.

ALL: Yeah... What?

What's going on?

- I can't move. - Help, we're trapped.

One non-complimentary popcorn refill, please.

(LAUGHS) They always come back.

That's a lot of butter. I hope you're not married to that shirt.

- It solidified at room temperature. - (CREAKING)

(SIGHS) I was so stupid to think this was a date.

Hey, don't be too hard on yourself.

That's my job. In addition to this job.

Which is, sadly, also my job.

Hey, Kev. Can we get some drinks?

I got it.

This is also my job.

MAN: The peas are cold today.

WOMAN: That was my own father's peas.

- (AUDIENCE CLAMORING) - MAN: I had a dream last night.

I was sitting in the kitchen eating my father's cold peas.

Ugh! There's no narrative structure!

I want a cohesive storyline.

For the love of Pete, give me a protagonist.

Hmm. The door won't open.

And there's a lot more screaming than I'd expect from a PG movie.

- (GASPS) - (MUFFLED CLAMORING)

- Was there an accident? - Oh, no.

It's just a really boring movie.

Plus, everyone is tied to their seats.

I'm gonna guess it was the creepy guy running the projector.

This way.

(GRUNTS) It's locked.

We could sneak in and surprise them by...

Though that works too, I guess.

- (KEYS JANGLING) - I had the key.

Oh, my eyes!

- Please make it stop. - My eyes!

WOMAN: This is the worst thing I've ever seen!

Well, it's no rave review but I got butts in seats.

Granted I imprisoned them there but I'm taking the win.

Show's over, buddy.

Hamster and Gretel?

I mean, just Gretel without the hamster.

Where is Hamster anyway?

- (AUDIENCE CLAMORING) - HAMSTER: Whoa.

This is the greatest film in the history of cinema.

Whoa.

So you found me.

But which one is the real Arthouse?

Okay, we can figure this out.

We just need to determine the angle of refraction

from the lens and measure...

It's the one with the shadow.

Oh, rats.

Uh-oh. That sounds like a trap.

Get off!

- (GASPS) - (CLATTERING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Why can't I break through this trap?

Easy. You know how strong you are?

- Yeah. - Yeah, well, the trap

is 2% stronger than that.

And with Larry the Magic Boy movie and you out of the way,

there's nothing to stop me!

From what? Destroying Hollywood? World domination?

No, I just want people to watch my movie.

And I'll get to live out every artist's dream.

Talking incessantly

- about the thing I made! - (CLICKS)

So I was inspired to make this after I ate a bad can of peas.

Could use a little help here. Fred!

I'm working. You guys can handle it.

Kevin, do something.

What can I do?

I'm just a guy on a non-date,

chaperoning my kid sister in a shirt covered in... (GASPS)

Solid imitation butter!

Gretel, use heat vision on me!

- Kevin, my heat vision will burn you. - (STRAINING)

Just make it warm enough to melt butter.

(KEVIN STRAINING)

ARTHOUSE: This next part was inspired by Hitchcock.

Not Alfred, Ricardo Hitchcock, my landlord. Hey!

Now I can use my hands to cover my eyes.

Now you're mine.

Or am I?

Super projector, activate self-destruct sequence.

AUTOMATED VOICE IN FRENCH ACCENT: Self-destruct...

(COUNTING DOWN IN FRENCH)

Get that projector out of here. I'll go after this guy.

(ARTHOUSE GRUNTS)

(AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYING)

Kapowza.

...zero. Life is meaningless.

Now that's an ending.

Ugh. Are you covered in butter?

It's imitation!

(ARTHOUSE GRUNTS)

Stay back. I've got the theater's only copy

of Larry the Magic Boy and the Spoon that is also Magic.

If anyone moves a muscle, I'll smash it!

Argh!

I got it! Oh!

Kapowza!

Nice save, Grimply!

Got your back, KGG.

This is a bit awkward, but I'm a huge fan of your work.

Finally, someone gets me. If only it was a biped.

Still taking you to jail though.

Eh, I had a good run.

Bailey! Are you okay?

I'm fine. But, boy, you saved yourself from one funky movie.

Though it did make me consider the mundanity of the human condition.

Sorry again for all the crazy surprises.

Are you kidding?

I've never been to a more exciting movie night.

You're a Magic Boy, Kevin.

(EXHALES)

KEVIN: (SINGING) I wish I knew

How you feel about me

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MAN: (SINGING) Hamster and Gretel

It's Hamster

Hamster and Gretel

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