Original subtitles

Man: Good morning, Mr. Davis!

Second man: Hey, Sandy, any luck?

Man: Your ladyship, please... Douglas!

The door, Thomas.

Is, uh...

Everybody here, I presume?

Clerk: Yes, sir. Everyone except the heir from America.

Oh, well, no need to wait for him.

I was notified he's arriving in town today,

but I have no faith in it.

So we'll proceed to the business on hand.

To wit: The reading of the will

of the late Angus Ian McLaurel,

a kindly master, a friendly friend,

and a loyal Scot whom everybody respected.

Lord rest his soul.

All: Amen.

If you don't mind, I'll...

I'll omit the legal phraseology

and get down to the bequests.

All: Aye.

"First, I bequeath to my grandson in America, Stanley McLaurel,

whom I've never seen, a..." Uh...

Lad, what do you make that out to be?

Could you tell us where we could find a policeman?

You'll have to pardon my friend, officer,

he's a stranger here. Ha ha ha!

Um, I wonder if you could direct us

to the best hotel in your fair city.

Right over there, sir.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Woman: No, nothing today.

Hardy: Good day, madam.

We'd like for you to give us a room and a bath, please.

I can give you the room,

but you'll have to take the bath yourself.

By the day or the week?

You'd better make it by the day.

You see, my friend, Mr. McLaurel, is heir to the McLaurel estate,

and we're moving in there shortly.

Is that a fact?

Oh, well,

I can see the likeness, now.

Did you know the old gentleman?

Known him for nigh on to 40 years.

'Twas a sad ending he had.

What did he die of?

He died of a broken heart.

You see, he had a no-good son by the name of Sandy,

who ran away to America and married a queen.

Royalty?

Royalty. No, a burlesque queen!

One of those play actors,

and the old man never forgave him.

Well, what became of Sandy?

They had a wee baby boy,

and when Sandy saw the baby for the first time,

he committed suicide.

Can you beat that?

What a face that kid must have had. Hmm.

Sandy was your father,

and I don't blame him.

Hmm.

Will you show us to our room, please?

Upstairs, and the first door to the left.

Thank you.

Come on.

Oh, my goodness!

"therefore, the residue of my estate, real and personal,

"I do bequeath to my granddaughter,

Lorna McLaurel."

Isn't that wonderful?

"I make the above bequest to my granddaughter,

"providing she accedes to my wishes, to wit:

"I do appoint Colonel Gregor McGregor,

"at present serving with his majesty's forces in India,

"to be the sole guardian of her estate and person

until she shall reach the age of 21."

Well, congratulations, my dear.

The proviso is not so bad.

You'll like my brother, I'm sure.

Your brother?

Of course, I forgot.

This is all a surprise to you.

Colonel McGregor is my brother,

and he sent me over here

to fetch you out to India.

Lorna: India?

You mean, I must really leave Scotland?

Why, it's always been my home, and I love it.

There's nothing to get upset about.

We'll talk about this another time,

when you've got over the shock of finding yourself

one of Scotland's richest girls.

Yes, but I'm not going to India.

Alan, you heard what they said.

But you'd never let me go so far away,

would you?

Well, I... I...

Or would you? Oh, Alan!

Alan, that's thousands of miles away!

Alan, dear. Don't let me go.

Keep me here near you, please.

I don't want to go. Please!

Woman: There, there, my dear.

You come along with me until you can quiet down.

This thing can be settled without upsetting anybody.

You'll excuse me, I know.

Come along, Lorna.

Lorna: I don't want to go. Alan!

Oh, Mr. Miggs. What am I going to do?

There, there, lad. Everything will be all right.

And now, I thank you for your gracious attention.

That's all.

There's no hurry. You'll get what's coming to you.

I'm Mr. Hardy.

This is my friend, Mr. McLaurel.

I believe we're expected.

Oh, yes, sir. Step right in, sir.

Just a moment, gentlemen,

and I'll announce you.

Thank you.

Nice fellow, isn't he?

Charming. I think I'll retain his services.

That's a good idea. He sure can buttle.

Ooh. By the way...

Mr. Miggs.

Yes, Mrs. Burns?

The next time you drop down to Glasgow,

you must come up and see me sometime.

Thank you.

That's Mae west.

Mr. Miggs will see you. Please follow me.

Thank you.

Right this way, sir.

Yes, sir.

Order the gig, and wait for me.

Yes, sir.

Now, gentlemen...

How do you do, Mr. Miggs? I'm Mr. Hardy.

This is my friend, Mr. McLaurel.

I'm glad to meet you. Take a chair.

Thank you.

Ooh!

And now, Mr. McLaurel, I'd like to see your credentials.

I beg your pardon, Mr. Miggs. I didn't get you.

I asked Mr. McLaurel if he had any credentials.

Uh, just what do you mean, Mr. Miggs?

Something to identify himself with,

to prove that he is Stanley McLaurel.

For instance, a passport.

I'm sorry, sir, but we haven't one.

What? No passport?

No, sir. You see, it was like this...

We were in such a hurry to get away,

we forgot to get one.

Well, how did you get into the country?

We stowed away on a cattle boat.

The roughest trip I ever...

Well, if you can't prove who you are,

there's nothing to be done.

I wonder if these would do, Mr. Miggs.

Right there, sir.

Aye, yes.

Oh, I'm sorry. My mistake.

That's the one.

Miggs: Is that you?

Yes, sir. That was taken 3 years ago.

You can see I wasn't feeling very good.

See my left...

It's proof enough. Like father, like son.

That's fine!

Now that that's all settled,

could we get down to business?

Yes.

"Know all men by these present that I,

Angus Ian McLaurel, being of sound mind..."

pardon me, Mr. Miggs.

Is it necessary to read that?

Well, no.

Well, let's skip it,

and get down to what we're going to get.

Hmm. "First, I do bequeath to my grandson,

"Stanley McLaurel, whom I've never seen,

"two of my most cherished possessions,

"with the hope that he'll preserve them and hand them down

from generation to generation."

Hmm.

You're a very lucky man, Mr. McLaurel,

and you'll be the envy of many a true Scot.

Look at that!

Blown at Waterloo.

Sounding the charge at balaklava.

Whistling defiance at Mafeking...

And the praise of victory at Mons.

And last but not least...

This snuff box,

presented for valor by Mary, queen of Scots

to your great-, great-,

great-, great-, great-, great-grandfather.

And a grand man he was.

Is this all we get?

That's all, sir!

And I wish you a very pleasant voyage back to America.

Miggs: Thomas,

show these gentlemen to the door,

and tell lady Ormsby I'd like to speak to her

at her convenience.

Yes, sir. This way, gentlemen.

Good day, gentlemen!

There we go.

Well, here I am, Mr. Miggs, at your service.

Oh, thank you, your ladyship.

You know, I'm anxious to have this affair settled.

Here's the probate to the will

and the term of the Colonel's trusteeship,

duly signed, sealed, and now delivered.

Thank you, Mr. Miggs.

I'll see that my brother gets them safely,

and I shall mention your efficient handling of the whole affair,

you can depend on that.

I'm worried about the Lassie.

This romance with my clerk...

Is more serious than I suspected.

She's got a mind of her own,

and if she decides not to go,

it will be ruinous for her.

Of course it would be.

This love affair, or romance as you call it, doesn't mean anything.

Love affairs at that age never do.

Maybe you're right.

But I don't like the job of forcing her to go away.

You won't have to.

The boy will do that.

He seems a reasonable, manly sort of chap.

I know. You send him to me, and I'll see what can be done.

Oh, I'll do that at once, your ladyship!

And thank you again. Heh heh!

Oh, it takes a woman to handle the affairs of the heart.

I'll say good-bye to you for the present

and thank you for your gracious help.

Good-bye, Mr. Miggs.

I'll send the boy to you at once.

Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.

All the way from America on a cattle boat...

For this.

Mr. McLaurel!

Mmm!

That isn't the way to use that.

Choo!

Aahh!

Hardy, underwater:

Ah... ah-choo!

Dry these.

Mr. McLaurel!

Mind your own business!

Blown at Waterloo!

What do you think we better do, Ollie?

I expected that.

Every time you get us into a mess,

you come to me, expecting me to get us out of it.

Well, it wasn't my fault.

What do you mean, "it wasn't your fault"?

If you hadn't been so money-mad,

we wouldn't be here.

There we were,

comfortably settled in jail,

with one more week to serve...

And you had to talk me into breaking out,

just to come on this wild goose chase of yours!

Well, I guess we'll have to stow our way back home again,

go back to the jail and tell the warden we're sorry

for all the trouble we've put him to,

and... and maybe we'll get our old cell back.

Be more comfortable to be there than...

Why, if we went back there,

that warden would give us life,

for escaping.

Well, we could go to another jail

where the warden didn't know us,

serve our week, and nobody would be any the wiser.

Pay our debt to society and...

Then we wouldn't have to worry a bit...

Why, if we went to any jail in that state,

the warden would give us life!

In fact, he'd hang us!

We could go to another state.

You know what we could do?

We could go way, way out west,

where they'd never find us.

Out west where?

Oh, Philadelphia, Jersey cit...

Any of those places where they have no exposition laws.

What do you mean, "no exposition laws"?

Well, if the police find out where we were,

they could come and get us if we didn't want them to...

If we... if they knew...

That's a very, very,

very good... Idea.

Just as soon as my pants are dry,

we'll formulate...

Our plans.

Ah!

Step aside.

That's the only pair of pants

I've got in the world.

Esipto factotum.

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm...

Alan!

Come, lass. Come, lass.

Now, hurry, hurry.

No, I don't want to! Alan!

Good morning, Mr. McLaurel!

Good morning, Mrs. Bickerdike.

Where is Mr. Hardy?

I haven't seen him in the past 3 weeks.

Oh, he's awful sick.

Is that a fact?

Hoot man!

You know, the day he fell in the water, he got an awful cold

and it turned into pneumatics.

Is he very sick?

You're darn tootin' he's sick!

You know, the only thing he can keep on his stomach is a hot water bottle.

My, my, what a predicament!

Yeah, I think he's got that, too.

Well, give him my respects.

I surely will.

And also give him this!

It's the bill for 3 weeks' rent!

I'm getting very impatient,

waiting for this estate to get cleared up!

We were talking about that this morning.

I'll see...

Who's there?

It's me.

Come in.

Are you dressed?

Come in!

Where have you been?

The landlady gave me this.

It's the bill for 3 weeks' rent.

There are more important things than this.

Did you get me any pants?

No, but I got something to eat.

What?

Where'd you get it?

I traded our overcoats for it.

That's just like you...

Thinking of your stomach before my pride.

How are you going to cook it?

I never thought of that.

No, you wouldn't!

Once again, I have to come to your rescue

and be the mother of invention.

Oh!

What you going to do?

I'm going to cook the fish...

Over the candle.

I've got an idea that's better than your mother's invention.

What?

Hold this and I'll show you.

Grill.

Put the candle under there

and we can cook the fish on top.

Well, that's exactly what I intended to do.

Oh.

Now give me the fish.

You watch the fish and see that it doesn't burn.

How does it look?

Never looked better in all its life.

Well, bring it over,

because I'm as hungry as a hunter.

Where's the rest of it?

It shrizzelled.

Well, I'm glad you didn't bring a sardine.

Aahh!

Oh, mercy me!

Oh, oh!

Mrs. Bickerdike: Oh!

Ohh!

Oh!

What's going on here?!

Mr. Hardy just had a relapse.

A relapse?!

He's awful sick.

Mrs. Bickerdike: Boys, what are you doing?!

My house! You'll burn the place up!

Mrs. Bickerdike: Put it out!

Do something!

Oh!

Well do something!

Hardy: Ohh!

Ohh!

This has gone far enough!

Rent or no rent,

get out of my house!

You... you foreigners!

He can't go out. He hasn't got any pa...

Come on!

Pack up your things and get out!

Get out of my house!

Oh, no, you don't!

I'll hold these till you settle up!

Ha ha ha ha... Hah!

What are you laughing at?

Why shouldn't I laugh?

Here am I,

Oliver Norvell Hardy...

A man without a home,

a man without a country,

a man without any pants!

Well, I don't see anything to laugh at.

Neither do I!

Isn't that swell?

Why, that's wonderful!

What does it say?

It says we can get a new suit of clothes for nothing.

Come on.

Didn't you hear me say to come on?

Yeah, but you didn't say which way.

I thought you...

How do you do, sir?

How do you do, gentlemen?

What can I do for you?

Why, we read your advertisement,

and we've come to accept your offer.

Yeah, we'd like to get measured right away.

Aye. Then if you'll just

sign your name to the bottom of that...

Yes, sir.

Now, if you'll follow me, please.

Man: Major?

There's a couple of new customers. Fix them up.

Thank you very much for your courtesy, sir.

Major: Come here!

Here's the king's shilling.

What's this for?

That's to bind the bargain.

You're now in his majesty's service.

What do you mean?

Major: You're in the army.

What's that got to do with this?

Oh, that's the tailor shop upstairs.

Well, I'm afraid there's been a slight mistake.

You see, we came here to be measured for a suit of clothes.

Well, don't worry. We'll give you

a suit of clothes you'll be proud of.

Sergeant.

Yes, sir?

Have the medical officer thump them over

and then take them to the barracks.

Aye! You come along with me!

Come along now, you hear?!

Do you think they're kidding?

Why, certainly, they're kidding.

They're having the time of their lives.

Well, let's tell them we're wise to them.

You heard what the man said!

We're in the army!

Well, I didn't know! I thought we were

coming up to get some clothes.

Now, this is the third deed you've spoiled in a week.

I want to assist you,

but for the last 3 months,

you've not been worth your salt!

Oh, I... I know, Mr. Miggs, but I...

I...

Er, that's the postman.

Brisk morning, Mr. Douglas.

Good morning, Mr. Miggs.

Good morning. Wait!

Are you sure that's all?

There isn't one for me?

Sorry, lad, but that's all.

I'm sorry, sir.

Ollie.

What?

Do you feel a draft?

After what I've gone through, nothing matters.

Come in.

Good morning, Mr. Miggs.

Well, what you doing? You're all dressed up!

Why, we're in the army! How do we look?

Ha ha ha ha!

God save the king! Heh heh...

Heh heh heh...

I... I wonder if we could ask a little favor of you, Mr. Miggs.

Well, that depends. What is it?

Well, you see, sir, we're leaving town

and if any mail should come for us,

will you please forward it to that address?

Well, I might do that.

"Private McLaurel, private Hardy,

"third battalion, Caledonia highlanders,

"Pellore,

northwest frontier province, India."

Well, that's a coincidence.

That's the station commanded by Colonel McGregor.

If you see lady Ormsby or, uh,

or miss Lorna McLaurel, will you give them my kind regards?

We certainly will, sir.

Thank you. Good-bye, Mr. Miggs.

Good-bye. Good-bye, Alan!

Good-bye, Mr. Miggs. Good-bye.

Good-bye, Ollie. Good-bye, Stanley.

Good-bye, Alan.

Ooh!

Oh, wait!

Alan: Wait!

I've found a way out, Mr. Miggs!

Oh, I appreciate everything you've done for me,

but this means more to me than my life.

Will you release me?

I'll not stand in your way, laddie.

Oh, thank you, sir!

But where are you going?

I'm going to Lorna! To India!

To India?

My, my!

Ah!

The wonders of youth!

India!

Cool them off slowly. They've had a run.

Happy?

Oh, yes, Greg.

The ride was glorious!

Am I improving?

I would say you were perfect.

Ho, ho, Greg, I'm afraid you're prejudiced!

You're right!

Of all the selfish people!

If it means anything to you two,

I've been waiting here for over an hour.

One must admire vi Ormsby's skill.

She's managed the whole affair.

It's a positive godsend for Colonel McGregor.

It hasn't been easy with nothing but his pay.

Has the girl money?

Ooh, oodles of it, my dear.

Comes into one of the richest estates

in Scotland when she becomes 21.

The Colonel handles it till then.

Oh, now I understand.

If he marries, he'll...

If, my dear? It's as good as settled.

Vi is clever, lucidly clever.

I'd just ridden down...

Beg your pardon, sir.

What is it?

General Fletcher's compliments, sir.

Wishes to see you at once at your quarters, sir.

All right, corporal. I'll be right over.

Very good, sir.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

You should be very proud of your brother, vi.

He's such a good soldier.

But I am very proud of him.

He's too much of a soldier.

I wish he'd forget orders, routines, and commands,

and think more of himself.

He seems well satisfied.

That's just it. He's too well satisfied.

He's content to settle down here

and get nothing personal out of life.

He lives too much unto himself.

You know, what he needs is a wife.

Well...

Are you suggesting we pick one for him?

Listen, Lorna, let's stop fencing.

You know very well what I'm getting at.

Greg adores you and wants you to be his wife.

Why don't you marry him?

Greg's a dear, vi.

I do like him...

Love him, I think, in a way,

but I've never thought of him as a husband.

Really, I haven't.

You see...

Most of my heart's been in Scotland...

Alan.

Oh, stop it, Lorna. You know we promised

never to speak of that again...

The boy that's never written to you,

never thought about you. Don't be so silly.

Maybe you're right. I am silly.

I'll forget it. I have to.

We live only in the future.

And Greg?

Perhaps...

And Greg.

Oh, splendid, darling.

Right away!

Hurry up!

This way and that way!

Everything's ready! Welcome.

Ev... everything.

Everything...

What are you two holding up this line for?!

Come on!

Get off!

Man: Quick...

Turn!

Crowd: Good-bye!

See you later!

I had to see you personally.

Then it's serious.

Very.

Trouble with Khan Mir Jutra.

That fellow again?

General, I wish I could meet him and have my way.

I'd teach him a lesson.

Yeah, well, it's because you've

never met him that I'm here.

I'm sending you to fort Renault.

Oh, yes, yes, I... I know it's a nuisance,

but the fellow's dangerous.

We've only got 3 officers

and a handful of men up at the fort,

and if he goes mad and kicks over the traces,

they'll be butchered like so many sheep.

Take whatever force you think adequate, move up to Renault.

At once, sir?

Oh, Monday will do.

Soothe Jutra's feelings if possible,

but if he won't listen to reason,

let him have it as hard as you can.

Right?

Right, sir.

The new draft is nearly here, sir.

All right, Sergeant. I'll be on the parade ground in a few moments.

Very good, sir.

Company, halt!

Stand them at ease, please.

Stand at ease!

Stand at ease!

As your commanding officer,

I welcome you to India.

Do you care to say a few words to them, sir?

Yes. Ahem.

Now, I want to impress upon you men two facts:

First, that the most important thing

with which you will have to contend is the sun.

Sunstroke can kill a man just as surely,

just as swiftly as a native bullet.

And second, you've got to remember

that India is truly a land of mystery,

with a great deal that even to us old campaigners

is strange and difficult of explanation.

You will therefore have to take on trust

many things which may appear to you

not only unreasonable,

but, at times, absolutely impossible.

That's all I have to say, Colonel McGregor.

Dismiss the parade.

Sir.

Dismissed!

See you later. All right, Alan.

Good-bye! Good-bye!

I wonder where we'll get the key to our room.

I don't know. I'll find out.

Oh, Sergeant!

What is it?

Where do we get the key for our room?

Yeah. We'd like to take a bath.

We're all worn out, aren't we?

Oh, what do you think this is, the Ritz-Carlton?

Get to the barracks before I lose my temper!

Come on! Get over here!

A room and bath! Ha!

Come on, boys.

Aah!

Alan.

Yes?

You going to see Lorna?

Say, Ollie... What?

What was that the general was trying to tell us

that he didn't know himself?

You know, about the mysteries or something.

I don't know. Ask old leatherpuss.

Who?

Leatherpuss.

Sergeant leatherpuss!

Are you speaking to me?

Yes, sir.

Who informed you my name was leatherpuss?

He did.

Well, my name is Sergeant Finlayson to you from now on!

Now, what do you want?

I was trying to find out what the general meant

when he said about the mysteries...

Ha! A couple of newies, boys.

Not dry behind the ears yet.

Explain it to them, boys, what the general meant.

Leatherpuss.

I'll remember that!

You tattletale!

Ooh!

Aah! Aah!

Ow!

Leatherpuss! Ha ha...

Ooh!

Why don't you look where you're going?

I'm sorry, Sergeant. I didn't see you.

Oh...

Hey!

Did you see that?

That was one of the things

the general was talking about.

That was one of them mirages.

You know what a mirage is, don't you?

A mirage is something that you see

that isn't there...

Or something that is there,

but you can't see it.

I had one happen to me

just about an hour ago.

On the parade ground, it was.

A fella comes up to me, and he says,

"look, Danny," says he.

"Here comes the new draft."

"Where?" says I.

"Through the gate," says he.

And I looks up, and do you know what?

I couldn't see a bloomin' thing!

I understand perfectly.

Thanks for tipping us off.

Did you understand what they were talking about?

Why, certainly.

Sounds screwy to me.

Why, there's nothing screwy about it.

You heard what the gentleman said.

A mirage is something you see that isn't there

or something that isn't there that you don't see.

For instance...

There it is.

There it isn't.

Now, it's still there, but you can't see it.

That's a mirage.

Gee, I'm dumb today.

Today?

Hey!

So you still don't believe it, huh?

Uh-uh.

All right, I'll prove to you

that there is such a thing as a mirage.

Where's my accordion?

It's in your bag.

♪ We 100 pipers in all, in all ♪

♪ we 100 pipers in all, in all ♪

♪ we love to hear them applaud, applaud ♪

♪ we 100 pipers in all, in all ♪

♪ we saw on the border a wall, a wall ♪

♪ we saw on the border a wall, a wall ♪

♪ we love to march, to call and call ♪

♪ we had ships and castle and all, and all ♪

♪ we 100 pipers in all, in all ♪

♪ we 100 pipers in all, in all ♪

♪ we love to hear them applaud, applaud ♪

♪ we 100 pipers in all, in all ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

I have never had a greater privilege

than that of announcing to you the engagement of a young lady

from Bonnie Scotland whom we've all learned to love...

Miss Lorna McLaurel.

And now to tell you the name of the lucky man.

It is my old friend and brother officer,

Colonel Gregor McGregor.

Oh!

Now let's drink to their long life,

health, and happiness.

Lorna, Greg...

You can't do that to me!

You can't!

Steady. Let me go!

Man, are you crazy? What the devil are you doing around here?

You don't understand! Let me go!

Now, another move out of you like that,

and it will be the guardroom for you, young fella.

I don't care! Let me go, you...

Attention!

Oh, darling!

What the...?

Take him out!

Oh, Greg, what do you suppose has happened?

Effects of the sun, I imagine.

Probably one of the new draft.

Poor fellow.

Don't keep doing that.

You look just like a grasshopper.

Well, I was...

Now, if you're going to walk with me,

you've got to keep in step.

Now, go back and get in step.

Go on. Get back there.

Whoa!

Now, that's better. Come on.

Man: Hey!

Your pal Douglas wants to see you right away.

He says it's important.

Where is he?

He's in the cooler, that's where he is.

I wonder what he's doing in the cooler.

Well, I don't blame him in this hot weather. I wouldn't mind being...

He's not in there for his health. He's in trouble!

Come on.

Will you get in step?!

Try it backwards.

Now, left, left, left!

All right, let's go.

Now you've got it.

Fine.

Stanley: Hey, Alan.

Hello, fellas.

What happened?

Oh, I don't know.

I kind of lost my head.

Lost your head?

You didn't lose your head.

It's still there, but you can't see it.

It's one of those things...

Will you shut up? How long are you in for?

They're going to let me out in a few hours.

Will you do me a favor?

Why, certainly.

You're the only ones I can trust.

Try and find Lorna and give her this note as soon as you can.

It's very important.

We certainly will. Won't we, Stanley?

We sure will, won't we?

We cert... oh! Go on. So long.

Ollie!

What?

Don't let anyone know about it, will you?

Nobody must get that note but Lorna.

Mum's the word. Shh.

What?

Mum's the word. Shh.

Shh.

Good-bye, Alan.

Good-bye. We'll give her the...

So long.

Violet: You two run along.

I want to talk to Millie. She's getting beyond me.

Millie!

Her ladyship. Quick! Hide!

I'll lose me job. Quick, in the cupboard.

There, right there.

Yes, milady? Coming, milady.

Millie!

Did you call me, your ladyship?

You know I called you.

We're going to watch the Polo this afternoon,

and we're to have dinner promptly at 7:00.

Yes, milady, dinner promptly at 7:00.

Wait a minute.

Let me impress on you once again,

no entertaining while we're out.

Oh, milady, I wouldn't think of such a thing.

Well, I'm warning you.

The Colonel may be back any minute,

and if he catches you, it's back to England.

Yes, milady.

Very well.

Ain't she the high and mighty one,

denying a little girl a bit of sparking.

Hmm!

Is she gone?

Yes, thank goodness. I thought for a minute the game was up.

She didn't half tell me off.

I heard her. I was a wee bit afraid myself.

It's a wonder you didn't hear my knees knocking.

Oh, Millie, I...

Oh...

I warned you for the last time. Pack up your things.

You're leaving by the first boat for England.

My ladyship, give me another chance,

and I'll try to do better the next time.

No. I've finished with you.

Well, cast me over the hurdles!

I'll get even with you if it's the last thing I do!

I beg your pardon, sir, but could you tell us

where we could find miss Lorna?

What do you want with miss McLaurel?

He's got a note for her.

You have a note for my ward?

No, sir.

Why, you... Alan gave it to you in the cell.

Here, my man, have you a note or haven't you?

Yes, sir.

Give it to me.

You lied to me.

Report at once to Sergeant Finlayson.

As for you, my man, your actions are commendable.

Well, you fixed me up pretty, didn't you?

Well, you shouldn't tell a lie.

The first time that you tell a lie, it serves you...

Who did that?!

He did! I did nothing...

You'll report to Sergeant Finlayson at once!

And you see that he gets there.

Why, I did nothing of the kind!

Yes, sir! Thank you!

Vi, who's Alan Douglas?

Do you know him?

Alan... Douglas?

Why, yes, slightly.

I met him in Scotland.

He's a raw, uncouth sort of boy who works for Miggs.

But why all this interest?

He's here in India... A private in the regiment.

Oh, but, Greg, you are a simpleton.

This is all so plain to me.

Just a case of puppy love in Scotland.

You know, promises of undying affection

and all that sort of thing.

Dear Lorna inherited this money,

and the boy thought he might as well be in on it.

Most people would do anything for £200,000.

Oh, Greg, tear up this note and forget it.

Lorna's told me time and time again

she's forgotten all about this boy.

She loves you, and she's promised to marry you.

Don't risk a scene.

It won't do, vi.

Sooner or later, they're bound to meet.

We'd better get it over with.

But you're not going to give it to her!

I haven't quite made up my mind yet.

Vi, not a word to Lorna about this.

I want to think this out for myself...

For once.

Greg, you've got to cheer up.

The next thing you know, it will be gossip.

What are you going to do?

Miss McLaurel is dancing.

Take this note to her,

but don't tell her where it comes from, understand?

Oh, Greg, you fool!

You're risking your own happiness.

I'm thinking of Lorna now.

Pardon me.

Oh!

Bad news?

Oh, no, general.

Wonderful news!

Lorna! Lorna!

Alan.

Yes, Alan. Look at me.

Didn't expect me, did you?

Thought I was thousands of miles away,

crying my heart out for you.

Well, I fooled you. I'm here...

Private Douglas come to pay his respects

to the Colonel's lady.

Why, you're mad! I won't listen to you!

Oh, yes, you will!

But I can explain!

I've seen and heard enough myself.

The money and flattery's gone to your head.

And I was fool enough to believe you

because I had faith, trusted you,

when all the time you were laughing at me!

Stop it! Stop it!

I won't stop it!

It isn't true! You must listen to me!

Alan, you don't know what you're saying.

You don't understand.

My only wish is that I never see or hear of you again!

A strong force, Khan sahib.

Much stronger than I expected.

This calls for strategy.

How are you, Corbett. Glad to see you again.

We're very glad to see you, too, Colonel.

We've been sitting on a powder barrel

for the last two weeks.

Enough has happened

to make my small force very jumpy.

We're all glad you're here.

Thank you.

Dismiss the men.

They've need of good rest.

Then call the officers to the orderly room.

We'll go to work.

Sir.

Vi, you knew Alan was here and didn't tell me.

Why? Why?

Come in.

Oh, I'll come back, miss Lorna, when you're not so busy.

That's all right, Millie. Come in.

Well, I didn't want to bother you, miss,

but I'd like to have a few words with you personally

before leaving.

Leaving? What do you mean?

Oh, she didn't tell you, huh?

I suspected as much.

Well, her ladyship has discharged me,

and I'm on me way back to England.

But you've been awfully kind to me, miss Lorna,

and it would be hard on me conscience

if I didn't tell you something you ought to know.

Millie, leave the room at once.

Not until I've had my say.

How dare you?! Leave the room!

Wait, vi. What is it, Millie?

Well, miss Lorna, you've been wondering

why you haven't heard from your gentleman friend in Scotland.

Well, I'll tell you why.

She's been taking your letters... every one of them!

But, Lorna, you can't believe such a ridiculous story.

The woman's mad.

Yes, your ladyship, mad.

But you thought you destroyed those letters, didn't you?

Well, you didn't, because I fished them out of the fire coals,

and here they are.

Now, your ladyship,

put that in your pipe and smoke it!

His letters... My letters...

I understand it all now.

But, Lorna, I did it for your good.

I thought you'd be happy...

Oh, never mind.

I'm glad I found out before I ruined Greg's life, too.

But it isn't too late.

I'll go to Alan and tell him everything.

But, Lorna, you can't!

He's at fort Renault.

This has just arrived, sir.

The messenger's at the gate

and demands an immediate answer.

Well, gentlemen, I hope you have

no other social engagements this afternoon.

We are dining with Mir Jutra.

This afternoon, sir?

It won't be so bad.

I'll tell you what... we'll put on our best bib and Tucker

and make an impression, too, eh, Corbett?

A very good idea, sir.

All right, gentlemen, get ready.

You fellows got nothing else to do? Get out of here!

Yes, sir.

Do that again.

Pllllt!

Show me that again.

Hey, come here!

I thought I told you to clean this place up.

Well, he told me not to pay any attention to what you said.

Who's running this army? You or me?

Right! Now, get to work,

and don't let me see a speck when I get back!

Leatherpuss! Hmm!

Now do it.

Ooh!

Come on, boys, we'll try number 4 again.

And for India fever, put some life into it!

Oh...

Oh!

Where did you get this fellow?

We caught this man mining the gate, sir.

Who sent you?

Quiet, quiet!

We made him talk, sir. We found out everything.

Take him away. Keep him under guard.

See that he communicates with no one.

Yes, sir.

Well, what did you find out?

Mir Jutra plans to attack Renault

as soon as you and your officers are safe at his palace.

The blowing of the gate was to be the signal.

Well, he's asked for it. He shall have it.

Corbett, call for volunteers.

We'll put them in our uniforms

and send them to the palace in our stead.

Then we'll arrange a reception for Mir Jutra's men here.

We'll capture every last one of the beggars.

Very good, sir.

But these volunteers, sir, they're going to almost certain death.

That's the chance we have to take.

The safety of the whole border depends

upon our smashing this madman once and for all.

Douglas, my boy, I'm proud of you

for being the first to volunteer.

It's a dangerous mission we're going on,

and we may never come back.

What matter?

Hey! Hurry up, you two!

We want to thank you, Sergeant,

for inviting us to this lunch.

Yeah. It sure was nice of you.

You're welcome. Now, get on your horses and let's go.

Do we have to ride on horses?

What do you think they're here for?

I never rode a horse in my life.

All you got to do is to get on his back. Come on.

What are you trying to do?

He told me I had to get on your back.

He means the horse!

The officers have fallen into our trap.

Get them busy on the gate!

I must beat these dogs to the palace.

It may be a messenger from Pellore.

Bring him in.

It's miss McLaurel, sir.

Miss McLaurel, here?

Impossible!

Lorna, dear, what on earth are you doing here?

Greg, I must see Alan Douglas at once.

At once! Do you understand?

What's happened?

Your sister held up all my letters...

Made me believe Alan had forgotten me.

But he hasn't, Greg. He hasn't!

I must see him and explain everything...

Now, at once!

Do you understand? Now!

Orderly!

Bring private Alan Douglas here at once.

Private Douglas has volunteered for special duty, sir.

That's all.

Greg, what does he mean?

It means that your meeting with Alan will have to wait.

He's volunteered for a duty of great importance to the service.

Is there any danger?

There's always danger here,

but I'll make it my job to bring him back to you safe.

We're in for a bit of a fuss.

I want you to remain here in quarters, no matter what happens.

Do you promise?

I promise. Oh, but hurry back.

I'm frightened.

Greg: Put a double sentry at this door!

What are you walking like that for?

Well, the horse didn't fit me.

Well, straighten up. You're going to meet royalty.

Salaam, sahib.

Colonel McGregor, I welcome you and your staff

to my humble home.

Be seated.

Colonel McGregor, would you and your staff join me

in a pipe of friendship?

Why, we certainly will.

Well... cheerio.

Remember, not a shot is to be fired until you get the word.

Carry on.

All: Very good, sir.

Throw down your arms and surrender!

Let the festivities proceed.

Would you pass the butter?

Well?

Good!

Very good!

Remove the food!

What's the idea?

The time for pleasure is done.

What do you mean?

I mean that fort Renault is no more.

Your comrades are being wiped out,

and ere the sun sinks,

your bones will join theirs

and lie bleaching in the desert wastes.

Get the boiling oil! Prepare the rack!

We'll teach these dogs a lesson!

You'll not take us without a fight!

Seize him!

There is no escape.

Take those.

What are these for?

You are to use those to blow your brains out.

I never blew my brains out before...

Take him away!

I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do!

Good-bye, Ollie.

Good-bye, Stanley. I'll see you later.

I'll be waiting for you when you get to heaven.

How will I know you?

I'll be waiting at the gate,

and I'll have on wings and a harp in me hand.

So will all the rest of the angels.

Well, I'll keep me hat on. Then you'll know who it is.

Enough!

Enough of this nonsense!

Proceed...

Or I shall change my plans.

Oh... good-bye!

Good-bye, Stanley!

Remove the body!

What happened?

I missed myself.

Well, I won't miss.

Man: Khan sahib! Khan sahib!

Speak!

Allah has deserted us!

What mean you?

Disaster! Colonel McGregor knew your plans!

He was there and captured all your warriors

to the last man!

Colonel McGregor, there?!

Then who are you?

Why, I'm Mr. Hardy.

This is my friend Mr. McLaurel.

We thought we'd come over and...

Seize them, men!

One more step, and I'll sh-shoot!

Don't point that at me!

Ooh!

Aah!

There they are! Shoot!

Aah! Aah!