Original subtitles

(fanfare playing)

(music ends)

(people chattering)

(applause)

Welcome to the Brinkley School and our first grade show.

I'm George Hanson and this afternoon, we are proud to present

our own adaptation of The Little Mermaid.

Music will be provided by the Brinkley Trio led by my co-teacher, Melissa Marx.

(applause)

And now, on with the show.

Hi, I'm Nina Borowski, and I think all of you are new here,

so welcome to the Cobble Hill Community Center.

I'll be your group leader, and we can talk about whatever you'd like.

School, home, jobs, sex, anything.

GEORGE: Sea snakes.

Stingrays.

Miss anything?

Honey, I just signed Castro. Shh.

Sea Witch. Sally, you're on.

(cackling)

I know exactly what you've come for.

Well, there's this boy I've been seeing and now he wants to fuck me.

GIRL #1: He's only gonna hurt you.

GIRL #1: Do you wanna fuck him? Well, he's cute.

(all laughing) Does he say he loves you?

Yeah, but he just wants to get in my pants.

But do you love him? Nina, isn't that right?

Well, I don't know about that.

But what I do know is, if I have sex with a guy,

I want him to be my friend.

So let's start with-- Do you like him?

I will give you anything if I can have my prince.

Come with me then.

And whilst my slave girl weaves her magic spell,

I will cut off your tongue!

Slave girl, play!

♪♪♪♪ (etude)

Where is he?

Who are you looking for, George?

Just a friend of mine.

He says if I don't fuck him, he's gonna find another girlfriend.

All right, look, Kiesha, I don't claim to be an expert on love,

but I do know it can screw up your life.

So should I do it?

You can say no.

Keeping your boyfriend happy is not your full-time job.

You've got school, family, work,

your friends.

You call the shots.

(applause) You guys were great.

All right, headed through. Excuse us. Come on.

Get in line. Get in line.

Daddy! Oh, you were great! You were terrific!

I loved you up there. Mommy.

Mr. Hanson, that was a great show. I think that was your best yet.

Well, we had a great Sea Witch and a great cast.

Don't be so humble. I've seen a lot of kids shows. They bore the hell out of me.

This one had grit. Grit?

Yeah, the real stuff, you know. It wasn't all gooey.

Thank you, Mr. Miller. Call me Sidney. Come on, guys. Let's go.

George, we're having a few people over to our house for dinner tonight.

We'd love it if you'd join us. Oh, that would be great. Yeah, do that.

Oh, gosh. I'm sorry, Mrs. Miller. I'm meeting a friend.

Well, bring a friend. It's very casual.

Everyone's dying to meet you. Yeah.

Really? Hey, listen, you're a hero.

I mean, Who cares if I can get Fidel a million dollars to write his diary?

You're fighting for the future of this country. We'll see you at 7:30.

You were so good. I can't believe how good you were.

SIDNEY: I loved everything...

Where's Dr. Joley?

I'd kill my boyfriend if he missed my show.

Bye-bye. Good job, you guys. That was great.

Just give me back two.

Hey.

Thank you. I got stuck in a faculty meeting, and then the subway--

And then the dog ate your homework.

See you tomorrow, George.

I just hate myself for missing this.

It's okay, really. It's okay.

Hungry? I'm in the mood for sushi. Oh, I wish.

I just told Constance Miller we'd have dinner at her house.

I'm sorry, Joley, she ambushed me.

But don't worry, she said it was casual.

George, Sidney Miller is the most powerful literary agent in the world.

Casual to the Millers is not casual to us.

And actually, I was hoping we could talk tonight, alone.

Okay, I'll cancel. Can't cancel. It's important for your career.

Come on. We'll talk later. Are you sure?

Well, I wrote it as an academic book, but I think it could be a best seller.

And even a miniseries. And Sean Connery would make a great George Bernard Shaw.

Maybe your friend George could do something with it.

That was a great show this afternoon.

So did you go to a teacher's college? I was premed in college.

Oh, God. Your poor mother. CONSTANCE: George.

George, I want you to meet my great friend, Joyce Meyers.

Oh, Joyce. Daralee.

How are you? I so wanted to see your show,

but I got caught up in a lunch for King Hussein.

Oh, how is he? Sidney's waiting for his book. Shall we?

Well, Noor is adorable, and the children are delicious.

You know, Rosie went to Princeton with Noor

when she was just little Lisa Halaby.

(sighs)

(chattering) JOLEY: People don't read anymore.

We're in a post-literate society, so they don't know what to do--

Dr. Joley seems to have made a hit with my stepsister.

People learn how to respond-- CONSTANCE: How long have you two been together?

Uh, four years. You know, Sidney represents Ru Paul.

We'll have you all over sometime.

JOLEY: Sidney, don't you think it's time

for a revised Encyclopedia of the American Theater?

CONSTANCE: Emery darling, when's the Pavarotti gala? Uh, next week.

You've done such wonderful things for that company.

Everyone said you completely turned it around.

Of course, that is not my thing but...

[laughs] I adore The Three Tenors.

It sounds like your show was a huge hit.

Yeah, well, the kids worked really hard.

Hmm. I'm sorry I missed it. Oh, that's okay.

I was in bed with King Hussein.

George Hanson. Nina Borowski. Hi.

Oh, so, you're the stepsister. Uh-huh.

Yeah, I bring the income level down at Constance's parties by at least three figures.

Yeah, I can help you in that department. Oh, thank you.

My pleasure.

I've heard all about you from Dr. Joley.

NINA: Sorry about you and him.

Oh. Okay, here we go.

Come here. Come here.

You see that man who just walked in standing there with my evil stepsister?

GEORGE: Mm-hmm. NINA: That's my husband.

Are you married? No, I'm not.

But she's hoping that I'll marry that man because she hates my boyfriend.

You'll meet her later. Excuse me. Oh, Joyce.

GEORGE: All right, we're clear.

NINA: She's always doing this to me. GEORGE: Why?

Oh, because my boyfriend's a penniless legal-aid lawyer,

I'm a counselor at a community center,

and I live in a walk-up in Brooklyn.

Oh, well, it sounds fine to me. I love Brooklyn.

Yeah, me too.

You know, you should come and visit me.

I mean, there's some really nice apartments in my neighborhood.

I'm afraid I'm not looking for an apartment.

You're not? No, I live with Joley.

But he told me at dinner that you might be looking for a place soon.

He told you what?

Actually, when he found out I had a spare room,

he asked if you could move in with me.

That's insane. Well, I thought so.

It's not every day I invite the lover of my dinner companion to live with me,

but, you know, if you're desperate--

I don't know what you're talking about.

JOLEY: All we have to do is get the rights to photographs.

Well, I don't believe it would be that complicated.

My point is that I believe that it could be extremely commercial.

(continues, indistinct)

You know, maybe I have this completely backwards.

Maybe he meant for the two of you to move to Brooklyn.

What else did he say?

Have you never discussed this before?

No, this is a total first for me.

CONSTANCE: Nina? Oh, my God.

Nina, this is Stephen Saint.

Hi. I was asking Constance all about you.

Hello, George. You are very fresh and natural.

He is the most fabulous creative director at Saatchi's.

And you're a cute shrink. That's an unbeatable combination.

My sister likes to say I'm a shrink.

I'm actually a social worker. Hi. Hi.

George, come with me. I'm having problems with my centerpiece.

Oh, hey. I think the work that you do is fantastic.

Really. I think you got a lot of courage.

George, I'm in the book if there's anything I can do.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. What did she say?

Goodnight.

You were great. You were just great.

Ah! And those women. My God! Oh.

They were swooning all over you.

You were the center of attention.

And I, of course, was stuck next to that social worker.

Oh, well.

You told her I wanted to move to Brooklyn. What?

Goddamn it, Joley. You told her I was moving out.

I told her you might be looking for an apartment.

I wanted to wait till your play was open to bring any of this up.

Well, you certainly didn't waste any time.

George, can we talk about this when we get home?

This isn't really appropriate. Really?

But it's entirely appropriate for me

to hear my relationship is over from a complete stranger?

Our relationship isn't over.

Who are you sleepin' with, Joley?

Please.

That's just--

That's just a little simple. Yeah, well, I'm a simple guy. That's why I teach first grade.

George, I'm going to be 40 this summer. Oh, God.

But we're both too young to settle for a twin-bedded friendship.

This hasn't really been working for a long time.

Who've you got lined up, Joley?

He's a student of mine, but--

I-I don't know what to say.

Is this student the reason you missed my play?

He's just breaking up with a woman, and he wanted to talk.

Look. I want to be with him, but I don't want to hurt you.

George, you're my best friend. What should I do?

Fuck you, Joley, and fuck your student and fuck our friendship!

I didn't wanna tell you this until you were ready.

I'm a nice man, George.

Great neighborhood.

It looks very safe here, a lot of families.

Hey, look. I'll call you.

(buzzer buzzing)

I can't get Showtime or HBO, never mind the Food Network.

I'm here for Nina Borowski.

After you fix hers, you come and fix mine.

Hi. Hi.

This is really embarrassing.

Oh, come on in.

I was happy that you called. I mean, I wasn't happy that you needed a place to stay,

but still happy that you called.

Come on up. I'm on the second floor.

Come on in.

Oh.

It's great. All right. Let me show you the room.

Oh, it's nice.

It could use some personality.

But I know somebody at the community center who can make you some curtains.

Oh, good. This won't be for very long.

I can move in with my brother as soon as his current girlfriend moves out.

There's no rush.

And, uh, this is the bathroom.

This is my bedroom.

Oh.

You get a lot of light. Yeah.

And this is the office.

Oh. That's it.

It's nice.

GEORGE: Yeah, he's been engaged seven times.

Wow. Really, your brother? Mm-hmm.

Would you like me to fix you up with him?

Oh, thanks. Last thing I need. I've got my hands full with Vince.

It's ready.

Can I ask you something? Sure.

How come I'm staying here and he isn't?

Oh, Vince works fine as it is. Sit down.

Okay.

Thanks.

You saved my life, really.

No hot water between 2:00 and 7:00.

Did you get your television fixed, Mrs. Sarni?

Why, you wanna come over and watch?

Okay, so you have the keys. You have the phone number.

The indoor buzzer doesn't work. You know that.

The Korean deli is across street from the subway.

It's open till midnight. Avoid the salad bar.

The toaster's broken. Use the broiler instead. The mail comes in the morning.

Don't open the door for any gas men unless you think either of us would be interested.

This is me. Well, thanks for everything.

Oh, sure. The subway is one block that way.

See you later.

What's happened to Vince? Nothing has happened to Vince.

What's happened to Joley? Nothing's happened to Joley.

I tried to call you there this morning. He said you'd moved.

So we did it on Saturday night.

Was it good?

It was okay until on Sunday I saw him with another girl.

(all clamoring, indistinct)

Kiesha, Kiesha, I like sex.

And I like boys a lot.

But I am not about to waste my time with some guy

who doesn't see things the way that I do.

I mean, do you really need this guy?

This is the Earth. And this tack, that's us right here.

And the lamp is the sun. So, why does it get dark?

ALL: The Earth spins.

Very good. Because the Earth spins. How do we know that?

Copernicus.

(door opens) Nina?

Nina, is that you?

Hey, George. How are you? Vince McBride.

You know what, Nina's told me all about you.

Nice to meet you. Yeah, glad you're here, buddy.

I feel better knowing somebody's keeping an eye out for my girl.

Hey. Vince, meet George.

We're old friends already. Join us for a cup of tea?

You don't have to put on a robe for me. No, in fact, George,

you could probably take off all of your clothes, and I don't think Vince would mind.

She's eating me alive. I dote on her, and she's eating me alive.

Okay. See, aren't you glad you settled down with us?

VINCE: I was maybe gonna be a teacher once.

You know, get them while they're young.

Teach them they don't have to believe that somebody else is holding all the cards.

Know what I'm saying, George? NINA: He knows, Vince.

No. He knows and he doesn't know.

How come you don't teach at a public school, George?

I got a job at the Brinkley School.

But you're a gay guy. Shouldn't you be sticking up for the disenfranchised?

Can't we talk about the movie? Wait a minute.

You mind if I ask how much you get paid?

You make more than four figures, right?

In the very early five figures.

Oh, Christ almighty. And they're all fuckin' millionaires.

You know they couldn't eat lunch on what they're paying you.

You gotta organize the teachers, George. I'll help you.

You're all getting screwed. You know that, don't you?

Well, thanks. That's all great advice.

But I'm afraid I have school tomorrow, so--

It's great to meet you. You too.

Goodnight, George. Goodnight

Night, George.

Oh, you terrorized him.

What are you talking about? We were having a nice conversation.

You told him he had the wrong job, and he made no money.

No, no, no. You weren't listening.

I told him he had the right job in the wrong place and made no money.

You don't even know him.

That never stopped me before.

My stepsister is right. You are just a bulldozer.

What are you talking about? I'm a pussycat.

Did I get angry with you when you let a gay guy move in here instead of me? No.

No, I like him. Vince, you don't have to like him.

But here's one thing. How come it's okay for him to live on top of you and not me?

He's not living on top of me, and he's leaving in two weeks.

No, he's never goin' anywhere. He's gonna fall in love with you and turn straight.

Oh, you're crazy.

Not if you're looking at what I'm looking at.

Vince. What?

Get in here.

Hi.

Hey.

Late night comfort food. Bad habit.

Shh. Vince is asleep.

He's really very kind.

He just felt threatened by you.

That's insane.

No, it isn't.

He asked me the same thing you did.

Why am I living here and he isn't?

Bingo. Maybe you should be the counselor.

Do you love him?

Yeah.

Whatever that means.

I just don't know if I should be living with him.

Vince can really fill a room.

Did you love Joley?

Well, who knows?

I thought-- I thought so.

(sobbing) Oh, God.

George, I'm sorry.

No, it's--

it's so stupid that--

You know, I know he's a prick.

I keep thinking I should have seen it coming. No!

No, you did nothing wrong.

You just trusted him.

But you wouldn't have let this happen. Oh, yeah, sure.

I don't trust anybody.

Particularly not amusing, good-looking, intelligent guys like Joley.

And he has great taste. Mm.

Nah, he doesn't have such great taste.

Otherwise, he'd still be with you.

Thank you.

We should go dancing. What?

At the community center on Friday nights.

I'm signing us up.

You must think of every dance as a three-minute love affair.

Boy meets girl. They fall in love with the music

and the stars and the orchestra.

And then, they must part.

♪♪♪♪ (instrumental ballad)

I have no idea what I'm doing.

I can't dance.

I can't even dance. Just smile.

On the balls of your feet. You're a butterfly.

Does that mean left or right?

Head up, young people. Please, head up. Up.

Head up, young person. Head up.

FRANK: We're gonna fix you up. That's what Kennedy and I have decided.

After all, what are brothers for?

I'm healing. You're avoiding.

Whenever I call, you're at home or you're doing mambo with your landlady.

It's not healthy. You've got to get back out there again.

Don't you think so, sweetie? Absolutely.

Honey, I've gotta get back to the magazine. It was nice meeting you.

Yeah, you too.

So, uh, what do you think, huh?

Thumbs up, thumbs down? She seems nice.

CONSTANCE: I'm gonna fix you up.

I don't wanna be fixed up. I have a very nice boyfriend.

He's a Bolshevik.

And anyway, it's not going anywhere. Why does it have to go anywhere?

Because at some point, you have to take care of yourself.

I am taking care of myself. I just don't need the things that you do.

You've got to meet this guy. What guy?

He's an ear, nose, and throat man.

He was just on the cover of New York magazine.

George, at some point, you're gonna have to start taking care of yourself.

I'm taking care of myself.

Listen to me. He's an ear, nose, and throat man.

But there's nothing wrong with me.

I don't even have a cold.

I have nothing in common with this guy.

Just have a cup of coffee with him.

I promise you, this is quality goods.

Uh--

Uh, George Hanson? Yeah.

Oh, I'm Jonathan Goldstein.

You're adorable. I mean, your brother is cute, but you're irresistible.

Did anybody ever tell you you look like a peach?

No.

So you're an ear, nose, and throat man?

That's my, you know, my professional life.

I have other interests that go below the upper torso.

(laughing) That's-- Hey.

So I heard you're on the cover of New York magazine.

(groans)

I got 3,000 new patients, 6,000 marriage proposals...

and not a single real date.

Want another drink? Yeah.

NINA: Do you think he's all right? Who?

George. He hasn't been on a date in a while, and people can be really creepy.

Put your zip code right there.

Nina, he's dating a famous doctor.

Senora, firma aqui.

What do we do if he brings him home?

Well, we'll be happy in our room, and they'll be busy in their room.

Sounds very active.

Mr. Shapiro, you're all done. Can I touch your nose? It's like a tulip.

Mr. Shapiro, I have to warn you, this woman has a gay roommate

who shows no signs of moving out.

Big deal, everyone's gay now.

Yeah, you tell him, Mr. Shapiro.

Gay? Si, senora.

(speaking Spanish)

(woman speaking Spanish)

Oh. Her daughter's a lesbian. And she's very proud.

There you go. (speaking Spanish)

The New York Mothers of Latino Lesbians.

Mrs. Ochoa is the president of New York Mothers of Latino Lesbians.

Good for you. You're a good mother.

We're queer. We're here. Get used to it. Don't fuck with us.

See, Mr. Shapiro, my problem is, I love this woman, and I want to live with her.

MR. SHAPIRO: Do you make a living? VINCE: Sure, I'm a lawyer.

Oh, lawyers are the worst people. Marry me, honey.

I was in children's footwear.

(knock on door)

NINA: Hello?

Hello.

You there?

I'm here.

Hey.

Hey.

Where's Dr. Goldstein?

I don't know. Home.

I thought maybe you--

I thought maybe not. Oh, uh, remind me

to never go on another blind date.

Okay.

You don't have to. Just say no.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

♪♪♪♪ (orchestral ballad)

♪♪ Life was a song ♪♪

♪♪ You came along ♪♪

♪♪ I've laid awake the whole night through ♪♪

♪♪ If I but dared ♪♪

♪♪ To think you cared ♪♪

♪♪ This is what ♪♪

♪♪ I'd say ♪♪

♪♪ To you ♪♪

♪♪ You were meant for me ♪♪♪♪ Step, step, quick, quick. Step, step, quick, quick.

Slow, slow, quick, quick. Slow, slow, quick--

Very good. Very good. Very nice, Sylvia, excellent. ♪♪♪♪ (continues)

Very good, much better. Very good.

No, no, no. Head up, young person, head up.

Please excuse us. Sure.

Hello, Nina. Oh, hi, Danny.

Help. Look at me.

No, no, no. Stop it. Danny, DANNY: Please.

come on. Just stop touching-- Madame Reynolds.

ALL: T-A-N-G-O. ♪♪♪♪ (ballad continues)

T-A-N-G-O.

T-A-N-G-O.

T-A-N-G-O.

T-A-N-G-O.

♪♪♪♪ (ballad continues)

Please get up, young people. Get up.

Now, one, two, side step. One, two, side step.

Glide, glide.

Smile, Mrs. Houston. Let the music carry you away.

Yes.

Quick, quick, step, step. Quick, quick, step, step.

Quick, quick, step, step.

Well done, young people, well done.

Well done. Watch them.

(continues speaking, indistinct)

Bravi.

♪♪♪♪ (continues)

♪♪♪♪ (continues)

Oh, he's so sexy.

Gene Kelly? Mm. Yeah.

Not my type at all.

What is your type?

It varies, depends.

Who was the first person you ever slept with? What is this, 20 questions?

What? I wanna know.

Lucy Jane Parnell.

What? Bellmore High School prom night.

Gave her a real good time.

♪♪♪♪ (ends)

You slept with a girl?

Yeah. Lucy was my high school girlfriend.

What-What happened?

Well, I went to college, and I found myself...

lusting after the football team more than the cheerleaders.

So I kind of figured I was gay.

What happened to Lucy Jane?

Well, I guess she got married.

Or she runs an insurance company.

I have no idea. I don't--

She was so nice. Mmm.

And an unbelievable dancer. My God, could Lucy tear up the floor.

Was she pretty?

Yeah. She had these big eyes...

and this pouty, little mouth...

and a nose,

it was just like a tulip.

I just wanted to touch it.

It was the most fresh and natural-looking nose--

Fuck you, George. Fuck you.

I just wanted to touch it. Stop it. No, don't tickle. Don't start tickling.

Yesterday we studied Easter

and today we're going to learn about the Jewish holiday called Passover.

My father's Jewish, and my mother's Buddhist, but New Age.

All right. My mother's Episcopal, and her boyfriend's Ethical Culture.

Wow. Both of my parents are Lutheran.

(knock on door) GIRL #1: So what? Both of my parents are Reform.

GIRL #2: My mother's AA, and my father's Christian.

I'll be right back. Okay.

When did you find out?

About an hour ago.

I don't know what to do.

Tell me what to do. I can't.

Maybe you should talk to Vince.

He's the father. Oh, Vince.

Vince believes in a woman's right to choose as long as he does the choosing.

No. I can't talk to Vince until I figure out what I want to do.

I just need some time to think.

Well, I'm here for you, Nina.

Whatever you need for me to do, I will.

She hasn't spoken to me in three weeks. GEORGE: It's not personal.

She's been busy. Is she seeing somebody else?

Huh? No, no, what? She's a very beautiful girl.

There's men hitting on her all the time.

There's no one else, Vince.

So you two still spend a lot of time together, right?

What sort of things do you do together?

Well, we talk. You know, we go to the movies.

Sometimes we go dancing. Regular stuff.

You go dancing. Then what?

Then we go home, we get into bed and watch television.

Okay.

But you're not a threat to her, huh? Is that the attraction?

I'm not su-- I don't know what you mean. You know what I mean, George.

You're not offering her anything more than friendship?

Of course I'm not offering her anything more than friendship.

I made up my mind.

I'll take you wherever you want to go.

George, I'm gonna have this baby.

You are?

Yeah.

(sighs)

That's great.

You're gonna be a wonderful mother.

Lucky baby.

And, Nina, you are gonna make Vince McBride the happiest man alive.

This is so great.

I get to be in charge of all musical education.

Tell Vince I get to pick all the songs.

This is great. This is so great.

Good decision. George, can we just celebrate?

(children screaming)

George, would you consider raising this baby with me?

Of course.

I'll be Uncle George. You're never gonna get rid of me.

Actually, I was thinking we should keep living together, like a family.

What about Vince?

Well, he's the father. There's no question about that.

He'll always be in my baby's life.

But he's not home to me.

You are.

You can't do that to Vince.

George, my father married somebody wrong

because he thought it was good for me.

I can't do that to my kid. I--

Me and Vince and the baby--

it's a bad equation. Jesus Christ, Nina. Vince is the father.

You should be with the father of your child.

Don't you see how exciting this could be?

You love children. You could raise a child.

I don't want to marry Vince. I don't have to marry Vince.

I don't wanna marry you.

George, I'm not proposing marriage.

We can make this up for ourselves.

None of the old rules apply.

It's getting late.

We should go.

Won't you even think about it?

Sure.

I'm very--

You know.

(phone ringing)

(continues ringing)

Hello. CONSTANCE: Nina, darling.

We're right around the corner. NINA (over phone): Oh, great.

Yeah. We'd been to brunch at Norman Mailer's in Brooklyn Heights.

Yeah. So I thought we'd swing by and say hi. SALLY: I have to go real bad!

We'll be right over. We're almost there.

Don't worry. CONSTANCE: She's thrilled.

Fuck, it's Constance.

(buzzer buzzing)

That can't be them already.

Hey. Unbelievable.

Oh, Vince, you should have called. What good would that have done?

Sidney and Constance are coming over.

Terrific. I've got plenty of food for everybody. Is George still here too?

Yes, he's here. Oh, good. So the whole gang's together again.

It will be just like old times. You look thin. I'm fine.

We need to talk. We're talking.

Some more bread. We got the salami,

we got the prosciutto that you love so much,

the cheese, we've got some herring,

and we have some deliciously fresh mozzarella.

Vince, how many people were you expecting?

I thought maybe some more people moved into the spare room.

I don't know what goes on here, George. She doesn't even talk to me.

You got any more plates? Why are Constance and Sidney coming?

(buzzer buzzing) I'll get it.

George! Hey, it's the Sea Witch.

Excuse me, is there a party going on upstairs?

No, we're going to see Nina. You know Nina. George, is there a party?

Come on. Tell me. Is there a party up there? No, there's no party.

Did you tell these guests there's no hot water after 8:00?

Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Mrs. Sarni.

She's terrific. Who needs a doorman when you have Mrs. Sarni?

Just hurry up and get inside.

You know, I really envy you your living here, George. Really?

Sure, what do you need with a dining room, butlers, pantries, dinner parties?

It's all a big headache. SALLY: I wanna go now.

Bill Styron lived in a place just like this when he thought up Sophie's Choice.

Sidney, what the hell are you talking about?

Hi. Can I go? You've been avoiding me.

No, no. Hi, sweetie. How are you?

How do you get through a whole summer without air conditioning?

Hey, Vinnie. Hey, Sidney. Come eat, huh?

Oh, this looks good. So, who are you defending now?

A couple of kids who got framed on a rape and battery charge in the Bronx.

Let me tell you something. You defend somebody really big,

it doesn't matter whether you win or lose,

I'll get you two million dollars on the book deal.

And by the way, you don't even have to write it.

I'm not in show business, Sidney.

Most people in your business don't seem averse to a little publicity.

You should think about Court TV.

He doesn't wanna think about Court TV.

This food is wonderful. Did you get this food, George? I could eat like this every day.

Sidney, give me that herring or you'll be hearing about it all night.

What will you be hearing all night? Sally, go wash your hands.

(overlapping conversations) Nina, where have you been?

That's interesting. So you haven't been calling Constance either?

How do you survive without her excellent advice?

Excuse me, Vincent. She talks to me every day. We're very close.

I swear, I'm hotter than a goat in China. I'm not feeling right.

Can we get some air in here? All right.

What are you hiding from us, Nina?

Did you finally break up with him? I'm so proud of you.

Nobody's broken up with me. Why don't you mind your own business?

Sweetie, you think it's possible to get food poisoning this fast?

Do you have any air conditioning? I will get the fan.

Hey, whoa, wait a minute. No, you shouldn't be lifting stuff like that.

ALL: Why not?

I'm fine. Nothing is wrong with me.

George, what the fuck is going on?

Don't you dare speak that way in front of my child.

Betty, I think it's time we got home. Betty was your other wife.

I'm Constance

remember? Oh, Christ.

Are you sleeping with her? Vince, I'm gay.

You are?

And it's a valid and wonderful choice.

Sidney, shut up. George, what is going on here?

Hey, come on, come on. I can carry...

Are you pregnant?

(clatters)

Oh, my God, you're pregnant.

MRS. SARNI: George, what's going on? Who's the father?

I knew it, you son of a bitch. I knew you couldn't keep your hands off her.

Vince, Vince, calm down. It's your baby.

I want New York Hospital, emergency room.

It's mine? And mine.

SIDNEY: I need to talk to somebody.

It's mine? It's mine?

A doctor. I want a real big doctor.

George, is everything all right up there?

VINCE: George.

Will you get that? I can't hear a goddamn thing.

Can I get you something to eat?

SIDNEY: I need to speak to someone in the gastrointestinal department.

George, do me a favor. MRS. SARNI: What the hell is going on?

Everything's fine, Mrs. Sarni.

I thought someone died and hit the floor. Jesus.

Oh, God. Oh, God. CONSTANCE: Give me the phone. Lie down.

SALLY: You never should have ate that herring. Yes, that's right.

SIDNEY: Fan me with something, will you?

Is that The New Yorker. Fan me with The New Yorker.

FRANK: You're well out of this. It sounds truly crazy.

I haven't even seen her recently because she's been spending all her time at Vince's place.

Which is right. That's definitely right,

but what does that say about our friendship?

Maybe I didn't mean that much to her.

George, you sound like you're talking about your ex-lover.

You know, why does everything have to be about sex with you?

You can get close to a woman without sleeping with her.

Really? That's news to me.

I'm sure Vince isn't letting her come anywhere near me.

I should have been more open.

I mean, that could have really been exciting.

Yeah, sure, it could have been exciting.

Bottom line is she wanted to fuck you.

You-- That's insane. Look, we're both cute.

And I know women. They tell you that they wanna be your friend,

but they really wanna-- (mouths words)

Okay. Anyway, the point is...

I'm gonna probably have to move out

because she'll be wanting to get rid of the apartment

so I was hoping I could crash at your place for a couple weeks. Yes.

Hey, honey. Hey.

You've not met my new fiancee. Suni, George-- This is my brother, George.

George, this is Suni from surgery. Hi.

MAN: Okay. Ready? BOY: Yup.

MAN: We're gonna go through the pitcher motion.

MAN: All right, real slo-mo. BOY: Where'd it go? Oh.

There it goes.

MAN: Thanks.

Okay. Ready? Stand up. Stand up.

Okay, now you're gonna hit a knee, right?

BOY: Yep. MAN: Okay.

Attaboy, block with your body.

And then take a step-- There you go.

Okay. BOY: Ready?

MAN: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait. Stop right there. Okay.

Face me like you're gonna do the pitch.

Okay. Ready?

Slo-mo. Nice. Come right over the top of it.

Got it. Okay? Right over top.

You did it great last week. And again.

Okay. Try it again.

Now come right over top of it, right? Remember?

Attaboy.

At first, the iodine does not affect the vitamin C solution.

But look what happens if I add some more.

This process is called titration.

Is there nothing that little girl can't do?

Watch TV. She's lousy at that.

Doug. Hi, Sidney. How you doing?

George, my Uncle Jonathan says he knows you. He does?

Well, let's go, Nathan. Hey, great job, Mary.

You did excellent. Hey, George.

Do you recognize me in my ear, nose, and throat gear? NINA: George.

You free next weekend? I know about this great club.

I got a little out of control. I see a friend of mine.

It was great to see you. This place is a converted meat market. It's incredible.

What are you doing here? Oh, I promised Sally I'd come.

It's so good to see you. You too.

How you doing, Vince? George.

We almost didn't make it. The first trimester's got us a little queasy.

Yeah. Vince has become an expert on pregnancy. I'm loving it.

George, we miss you. You should come visit us. Vince.

We are not an official "us." There's still you, and there's still me.

Okay.

He's like glue.

Madame Reynolds was asking for you last week.

Oh! I would love to go dancing. As long as you don't exhaust yourself.

George, what time is the trophy presentation? Uh, 20 minutes.

The trophy presentation? George, what ever happened to

"it's not about winning, it's about how you play the game"?

I don't think there should be any trophies.

It's the parents who want the trophies.

It's ruining this country. The obsession with being number one at any cost.

It starts right here. I totally hear you.

You know, I try to teach these kids a sense of community.

Believe me, you can't do that. These parents are natural-born killers.

Oh, Vince, that is such bullshit.

I don't know anyone who is more competitive than you.

Did I say there's anything wrong with striving for excellence?

Did I say that? Jesus Christ.

At least somebody here appreciates what I'm trying to say.

What's your name? I'm Melissa Marx. George's co-teacher.

I'm gonna lose it. Just get me out of here. Please.

(grunting)

(shouting)

You're right. Oh, I didn't ask him to come, you know.

You're absolutely right. That's not gonna work.

You know, by the way, we're both pregnant, you know?

First we get sick together.

Then we throw up together. Then we get our fucking sonograms together!

Nina, it's a bad equation-- you, Vince and a baby, bad for all of you.

No shit, Sherlock. You made me an offer, and I never refused.

What?

I spent all yesterday afternoon watching this little kid play catch with his father.

I always thought that I could teach other people's children, but...

someone else, a real guy like Vince gets to take them home.

Then I thought, I don't always have to be the one who's...

watching them leave.

I don't always have to be the one...

who waits for twilight to pass.

For the first time, I thought I could be...

the guy who says goodnight.

What are you saying to me?

I'm saying yeah.

Sorry to break this up, but it's time to go home.

I'm not gonna go home with you, Vince.

I'm gonna go back to Brooklyn.

You can't go back to Brooklyn tonight.

We got a doctor's appointment in the morning.

No, we don't have a doctor's appointment.

I have a doctor's appointment. Fine.

Okay. You have an appointment. You're getting caught up in nonsense, Nina.

Okay. Vince, this isn't working.

Can we talk about this later? No. No, we need to talk about it now.

In front of him? Yeah. Vince, I've tried to talk to you in private.

You don't listen to me.

George, this is between me and Nina, okay?

You've done enough to fuck us up. It's time for you to get the hell out of our lives.

No, Vince. This is my school. You don't get to tell me what to do.

Nothing has been the same between me and Nina since you showed up.

Does that make you happy? Is this what you do for kicks?

Vince, come on, just listen to me for once-- No, listen to me.

You don't see this guy for who he is.

He's a trouble-making little shit.

Vince,

I wanna raise my child with George.

Oh. Oh.

You know what?

I wanna raise it with the man in the moon.

For once, why don't you just goddamn listen to what she has to say?

Don't fucking tell me how to treat a woman. Vince, just calm down for once.

No, I will not calm down!

You have some nerve, you homo boys.

You screw up women's personal lives,

but you can't take any physical responsibility for it.

Listen to me. No.

When this kid comes to you and asks you who its father is,

you tell it that its father never wanted to lay eyes on its mother ever again.

Head up, young person.

Would you like to hear the heartbeat?

Can I? Yeah, sure.

(heartbeat)

That's amazing.

George Hanson.

Steve Casillo?

Wow!

You're not someone I'd expect to see in here.

(George muttering, chuckling)

This is my friend Nina Borowski.

Yeah, I can see that. Hi.

No, she's my friend, friend. It's--

She's expecting.

Well, I can give you a discount on this one. Oh, we're just browsing.

Yeah, we're--

Feel free to look around.

Okay.

NINA: Lemonade? (woman on TV, indistinct)

Thanks.

The Hampton benefit season was in full swing... Oh, my God.

at super-agent Sidney Miller's house this weekend.

Guests included Anne Rice, King Hussein, and General Colin Powell.

Hot fun in the summertime. How come we weren't invited?

Thank God we weren't invited.

George, who was that man in the crib store today?

Oh, just someone I had a fling with before I met Joley.

You know, if you ever wanted to invite him here,

that would be fine.

Mm-hmm.

I could sleep in your room.

What if I said, "That's a great idea, he'll be right over"?

I'd say, "Great."

This isn't a marriage.

You know. I don't wanna make you give up your life.

You're not.

Great.

So are you gonna call him?

Actually, I'm leaving with him for Paris tonight.

You are? (chuckling) Oh, God.

I just hate secrets, George.

What secrets? I tell you everything.

Just promise me that if anything in your life changes, that you'll tell me.

Nothing's gonna change. I'm not going anywhere. This isn't temporary.

Don't you miss men? Yeah, sure. Sometimes.

Don't you?

I guess.

But I don't miss them when I'm with you.

Do you think most married couples are as happy as we are?

I hope so.

'Cause we're pretty happy.

I guess sex is just no big deal.

Not even with Lucy Jane?

I just adore you, Nina. I really do.

I adore you too.

(phone ringing)

(continues ringing)

Yeah.

JOLEY (on phone): George, hi.

It's Joley. How are you?

Look, uh...

I know that it's been a long time, but, uh--

Well, I told you that I'd call.

And, uh-- Oh, God.

These things are so weird. I guess.

Who is it?

Uh, my brother.

George, are you still there?

(sighs)

Yeah. And Nina says hello.

Oh.

I was so sure you'd be with someone by now. That's, um...

That's really why I haven't called.

Yeah. Nina's still here.

George, it's so good to hear your voice.

Um, I'm surprised you'd even talk to me. I behaved like an idiot.

Look, I've been asked to address a critics' convention

at your old college the weekend after next.

And I've been thinking about that time we drove up there.

That was our first Christmas together, you remember?

And so you want me to come with you?

That's very considerate of you.

I wouldn't be surprised if you never wanted to lay eyes on me again.

But...

it would really mean a lot to me just to, uh, be with you.

I made a reservation at that sweet little inn we stayed at.

(clears throat)

Yeah, well, I'll call you if I can make it.

I think about you all the time.

And, um, for what it's worth...

I really miss you.

Yep. Thank you. I'll talk to you soon.

(beep)

Where does he want you to go?

Hmm? Uh, my college.

For a reunion?

Sort of.

Nina, that was, uh, Joley.

(clears throat) So are you gonna go?

I don't know.

That usually means yes. (chuckles)

I hate that you know me so well.

Hi. Hey.

You look great.

I love this.

I'll call you at Constance's tomorrow morning, kiddo.

Promise?

I promise.

What time?

Early. I promise.

JOLEY: Ordinarily, I wouldn't go to one of these conferences. But they insisted that I come,

and, uh, I guess it never hurts to stay on the good side of reviewers.

Oh, my book! Did I tell you my book is coming out in paperback in England?

It's very impressive for an American Shaw scholar to do so well in Europe.

You okay, honey?

How did we get back so quickly to the "honey" stage?

Maybe we never should've left it.

GEORGE: How's your student? JOLEY: Back with his girlfriend.

He's, uh, just a screwed-up kid.

So you want to be friends now? Just so I know.

That is exactly your problem, George. What?

Your lack of self-worth.

You have no idea how important you are to me.

Thank you.

So I've been thinking about you a lot.

You're living with a woman in a dump in Brooklyn, and I'm lonely

and-and missing you.

We can do better than that.

Nina! Hi.

You just missed Steven Spielberg and Peter Jennings.

Oh, I bet they sent their best regards.

Sweetie, don't start the weekend like this. I have enough to deal with.

What are you wearing? (groans)

Hello, honey. How are you? Good.

(kissing) Where's George?

George is with his old boyfriend, which is where he should be.

Constance, he's not with his old boyfriend.

You told me he went away with Dr. Joley.

It doesn't mean he's with him.

Sally, sit down and buckle up.

Sweetie, I want you to relax this weekend.

Take walks. Eat good food.

Let Sidney and me take care of you.

SALLY: And me. And Sally.

Yes, honey. We're going to have a nice, relaxing dinner.

Just some old friends. And Stephen Saint is coming.

And you'll never believe it. He's just dying to see you.

You made quite an impression on him at my party.

Hello. Dr. Robert Joley.

Ah, yes, Dr. Joley. We have you down for three nights and a king-sized bed.

Twin beds.

I don't know that I have a room with twins.

We'll take the king.

Excuse me. I have a room with twin beds.

I'd be happy to exchange with you. Are you sure, Mrs. Skinner?

Surely. Thank you, Mrs. Skinner.

No sense in you two boys being on top of each other.

Right at the head of the stairs. Thank you.

Um, I thought we were supposed to get the discount rate.

Uh, that is the discount rate, Doctor. Right through the dining room.

Dr. Joley, I presume.

Well, Rodney Fraser.

You're one of the reasons I agreed to come here.

Oh, thank you. I see you've lost none of your charm.

(chuckles) Oh, by the way,

congratulations on George Bernard Shaw.

Thank you. That's, oh, such a--

such a treat to read an American perspective on the subject.

Hmm.

Oh, this is Paul James. Dr. Robert Joley.

How do you do? I don't think I've met your friend.

George Hanson. George Hanson. How do you do? Paul James.

You in the theater? No. He's a graduate of our host college.

Oh, really? The return of the native.

Well, look forward to seeing you both...

around the campus, hmm? Bye.

Bye-bye. See you.

I wonder if Mrs. Rodney charges by the hour?

SIDNEY: Let me tell you something. When my first wife left me,

she wanted to take my clients.

I mean, I understand the house, the cars.

But my clients, my clients.

You know, uh, since we last met,

I've done some heavy therapy,

and, uh, I've taken up yoga.

And I quit advertising. Hmm.

I know this might seem premature, but, um,

I'm ready to be the father of your child.

Night.

Goodnight.

RODNEY: And our thanks to Mrs. Gutierrez

for an extremely interesting question and a spirited response

from the panel.

And now we move on to, um,

oh, another question from Mrs. Gutierrez.

Oh, yes. "How do you feel about great works of literature

being transformed into musical comedy?"

Well, that sounds like one for our academic colleague. Professor.

Well, um, I should begin by saying that

I think that My Fair Lady is a complete distortion of Shaw's Pygmalion,

as is West Side Story of Romeo and Juliet.

But then, I hate all musicals. I, uh,

believe they're, uh, middle-brow, populist...

and, uh, frankly dangerous.

So it's a clean sweep from Dr. Joley.

(chuckles) JOLEY: I have seen performance art

in cross-gender clubs in Berlin

that has far more theatrical impact

than anything I have ever seen on Broadway.

Well, do you mean, um, women dipped in chocolate? That sort of thing?

(chuckles) JOLEY: I'm talking about serious artists here.

I have never recovered from Ulrika Schinkel's

brilliant production of Beethoven in Ketten, that's Beethoven in Bondage,

set amongst the ruins of the Reichstag.

And, uh, something that may be of particular interest to you, Rodney,

is that the theaters in Germany are filled with young people.

Nina! Mom says we're all taking a picnic on the beach.

Oh, honey, I'm waiting for a phone call.

Oh, Mommy, Nina's waiting for a phone call.

Darling, go get your father. Go!

I'll come down later. I promise. Jesus Christ!

Every time I look at you, you're moping.

You're a guest here. You could try to make an effort. I have made an effort.

Stephen loved me.

I hope you realize he's currently in bed with his old boyfriend.

Who, Stephen? The man whose call you're waiting for.

(sighs) You know,

I enjoy gay people.

I just have a slight problem with my pregnant sister being in love with one of them.

I am not in love with him. Honestly,

even when I was desperate to marry Sidney, I never carried on like you do.

And Sidney is straight. But you have really done it.

This is an even crazier choice than Vincent.

You're not even fucking him.

Can I ask you something?

When was the last time you and Sidney had sex?

That is not the point.

Exactly. Doesn't it all turn into friendship anyway?

Yes. But normal people start out someplace

you and the nursery school teacher are never gonna get.

You should take a look at yourself. You're supposed to be a psychiatrist.

I am a social worker, Constance! (scoffs)

Oh! Will you just let me live my goddamn life?

Read my lips.

George is G-A-Y. Gay.

That means he never sleeps with women.

He has slept with a woman. What?

Lucy Jane Parnell.

Oh, please. Don't tell me. In high school?

They all try women once in high school.

But you're nutty enough to believe that based on that experience,

you can bring him to his senses.

Nina, a gay nursery school teacher is a one-way ticket to nowhere.

PAUL: I would love to go to a place like this.

Read, sleep, have great talks. Sex.

Well, uh, we didn't, uh, actually have much of that. We did talk about it a lot.

Well, did you act at all? Me? No, not really. You an actor?

Well, trying to be.

That's how I met Rodney.

I sat in on his world theater class.

What's his take on world theater?

Well, Rodney's very picky. He likes Damn Yankees and Shakespeare.

But just to read. He's never seen a production up to his standards.

Don't you get flak from your actor friends being with a critic?

Well, I've never been "with him" with him.

It's just that he came up to me one day after class,

and he's been sort of like my mentor and my family ever since.

Oh, I thought maybe you lived together. I'm sorry.

Oh, we do live together.

He offered me a spare room so I could save my money for acting lessons.

GEORGE: Well, I've always had terrible judgment.

My entire freshman year, I had a crush on a guy named Trotter Bull III.

(Paul chuckles)

He looked just like one of those rowers.

PAUL: Looks like pretty good judgment to me. Except he had a girlfriend.

I actually got up the courage to talk to him one night...

about Walt Whitman.

He probably became an investment banker, had four kids,

all named Trotter and, uh, never talked about poetry again.

I'll talk to you about poetry.

Sure. Anytime.

How about a swim?

Whoo!

Wait for me! Whoa!

(phone rings)

I got it. It's for me. Sorry. Hello?

WOMAN (over phone): Good morning, is Mrs. Miller in?

No. She's at the beach.

(woman over phone continues)

Uh-huh. It's Martha Stewart for Mrs. Miller.

Yes?

Is it the Martha Stewart?

Yes.

Oh, will you hold on, please?

Miss Stewart, I'm having a big problem with my azaleas.

(sighs) Uh-huh.

PAUL: Do I see you again?

GEORGE: I hope so.

When do I call you?

Oh, fuck.

My roommate. I was supposed to call her this morning. Shit!

Your roommate? Yeah. We live together.

We don't live live together, we just live together. Shit!

CARMELITA: She's in her bedroom. I'll call her.

She's in bed, apparently.

NINA (on phone): Hi, George.

Hey, kiddo. Why are you in bed? Are you sick?

I'm pregnant, George. Or have you been so busy with Dr. Joley that you forgot?

Nothing's happened with Dr. Joley. I've hardly seen him.

So then let's go home. What do you mean?

There's a bus at 7 o'clock.

Tonight? Sure. Why not?

I don't want you traveling alone so late.

How about I borrow my brother's car and pick you up tomorrow afternoon?

George, please. Please. This is-- I'm so miserable.

Please. You could-- You could be on a train too,

and we could both be in our beds by midnight.

(sighs) Nina-- Please. You have to rescue me.

I have got to get away from here,

and there's nothing for you to stay there for.

Anybody who bolts from the Hamptons is okay with me.

I hate it here.

It's so pretentious.

If I wasn't happily married and you weren't my wife's stepsister,

I'd have an affair with you in a second. (chuckles)

I think you're terrific.

Want some money? No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

How about some Chuckles? Hmm? No.

I got the galleys for the new Michael Crichton in the car.

Oh, no, really. Thanks, Sidney. Bye.

Okay. Oh, gosh. Photographs.

(chuckles)

I like it. It looks good.

Hi.

Hi, man.

Hi, Melissa.

Hi.

Hi.

VINCE: Oh, my God.

So how are you, huh? Shit!

Hey, let me help you. No. I'm fine, Vince. Got it. I'm fine.

Okay? Thank you.

Vince, honey.

MAN: Watch your step.

Melissa, hang on a minute. I'm just going to say good-bye.

Vince, I'm really tired. I don't feel like-- No. Just one minute.

Hey, can I put you in a taxi? No, Vince. I'm fine. Really.

Nina, come on-- Vince, please. I'm fine. Really.

Give my love to George. Can't wait till school starts. Oh, sure. I certainly will.

Hey! Ohh!

Ohh! Uh, excuse me. Excuse me.

Oh, you're gonna be so glad you met me.

My purse was just stolen and I'm pregnant, and I have no way home.

Are you hurt? No, I'm fine.

You sure? Yeah. It's just my purse was stolen.

Okay. Well, let's go. All right.

I got it. Oh, thank God.

So we'll go report all this. Thank you.

And then I'm getting off duty, so I'll give you a lift home.

Great. Thanks. All right?

I mean, I'm surprised he didn't arrest me.

I get mugged and the goddamn desk sergeant blames me.

He's the only one like that. The rest of us are very sensitive.

"Lady, you asked for it." I thought people like that...

were banned from the police force, you know?

It's none of his goddamn business

where the fuck my husband is.

You don't seem to care.

Me? I used to give women lots of opinions.

But now I go with the flow.

Are you gay?

I'm sorry?

I have this new theory that any man

who doesn't hit you over the head with his opinions must be gay.

(clears throat) Well, that makes as much sense as Freud.

Oh, well, makes a hell of a lot more sense than Freud.

Freud doesn't know dick about women.

(chuckles) I can't believe I just said that.

Very nice of you to drive me home. Oh, not a problem.

If I were married, I'd want someone to drive my wife home.

Will your husband be there? I don't have a husband.

Mm. The father? Oh, no, no.

He will definitely not be there.

I hardly speak to him.

Well, you don't find anyone new till you're brave enough to give up the old.

I don't really want to find anyone new.

Well, that's good.

Happy with the status quo.

Yeah. Me too.

But you're so nice.

You should be married.

(chuckles)

You think all nice people are married?

What kind of counselor are you?

All right, you can stop right over there. Oh, thank you so much.

You're really kind.

(grunts)

(gasps) George!

Oh, my gosh! You're back already? Hi!

Ohh!

GEORGE: Did you get a ride home? No. My purse got stolen

at the bus station. What?

And Vince and Melissa were on the bus,

and Sidney told me that he would have an affair with me.

It's just been the weekend from hell.

GEORGE: Come on. I'll make you some tea.

(chattering)

Hey, sweetie. George, terrific news about you and Dr. Joley.

Sidney and I adore him. He's so smart. Good for you.

Thanks. Bye, George.

Hey.

Hey, Nina, you find out who the father is yet?

I call the shots, Kiesha.

Yeah! Yeah, we know.

WOMAN: So what's for supper, Nina?

Pot roast. It's George's favorite.

Is he back yet? I don't know.

(door opening) RODNEY: Paul?

Oh, jeez. He's supposed to be at the theater.

Paul? I fled at half-time.

A lot of pumped-up men taking their clothes off.

It's all getting dreadfully boring.

I'm gonna go see King Lear tomorrow night, God help me.

I fully expect him to step on stage, say he's old, he's hot

and strip down to his underwear.

Oh, would you like a glass of vino?

And tell whoever it is you've got in there, he's left his knapsack on the sofa.

Ah, it's the graduate. Do, please, come sit down.

Uh, Paul and I are currently meandering through

some of the better Australian chardonnays.

Can I tempt you?

Oh, no, thank you.

Oh. Paul?

So how's our distinguished Shavian scholar, Dr. Joley?

Well, I haven't seen him since the critics' convention.

Actually, George lives with a woman.

Really?

How Bloomsbury.

(chuckles)

Uh, Nina's my best friend. Well, as you probably know,

Paul and I visit the theater quite often.

Perhaps you and your best friend would care to join us one evening.

That's very kind of you.

But, uh, um, I'm not sure she likes the theater.

Oh. She's absolutely right. There's nothing to see.

(chuckles)

Well, perhaps we could go and have a meal together sometime.

We'd like to see more of you in any event. All right?

Well, I-I hope so. You know, I'm sorry. I really, uh--

RODNEY: Oh? Really?

Don't forget your little bag. (chuckles)

Well, it's nice seeing you. Yes, indeed. Goodnight.

Goodnight.

I'll be right back.

I'll call you tomorrow.

VINCE: Thank you for returning my call.

Nina, you were probably right. You and I as a couple...

were a pretty miserable match.

That I still love you, that's--

that's my problem.

I can-- I can deal with that.

Nina...

whatever way that you're planning on doing this,

for once in my life, I'm-I'm not gonna tell you how.

I would just like to think that I could somehow be a part of the picture.

Vince...

you're the daddy.

All right. I'll trust you.

Oh, hi. NINA: Hi.

How are you? Louis.

This is Vince. Hi. Louis Crowley.

Hey. Vince McBride. Hi. This is my nephew Joe and my niece Sophie.

Vince is the father of my, uh--

Baby. I'm the father of the baby.

Ah, I see. And, uh, how's, uh--

George. My roommate. He's fine. He's home.

Oh! Hey, great. (chuckles)

Go with the flow. NINA: That's right.

BRITISH MAN (on TV): The workings of her mind appealed to him.

(giggling) She leaves her warm bed in the cold dawn

to rush there full of zeal and loyalty.

(TV, indistinct)

(laughing, choking)

(TV, indistinct)

(laughter on TV)

WOMAN (on TV): Coming up, Kurt will have sports. Stay with us.

MAN (on TV): Yes, we'd like to change the address of our checking account.

Hi. Hey.

Sorry. Don't bother apologizing.

Sorry I'm late.

Yeah. God, I'm sorry. Did, uh, Nina tell you I was visiting some college friends,

drank too much and-- Well, why didn't you bring them?

What?

Mm. I mean, what a shame to break up such a great party.

I mean, actually, I'd like to meet your friends some day.

So how late did you stay up? Late.

So late there wasn't a cab left in Manhattan, huh?

Well, you know, we were all too wrecked to go home.

Ooh. Yeah. My big brother, the party animal.

Coffee? Oh, yeah, please.

Do you want to hear the specials?

No. I'll just have the orange juice and eggs Florentine.

So, Caroline, is the wedding still on?

I haven't heard otherwise. But I'm waiting. (chuckles)

Well, we're really looking forward to it. Yeah. If you can make it.

He's been really busy this fall with, uh, faculty meetings.

Yeah. I'm trying to get things in order before the baby comes.

Working on a new curriculum.

Jesus! I never thought I'd hear my big brother

talk about babies coming, and before me.

That's what really pisses me off. You got there before me.

I think what you guys are doing is fantastic. Really.

FRANK: Here's my question though. What about the father?

This guy must be the most interesting guy in the world or the most tolerant.

Actually, he's dating George's colleague Melissa.

So that takes a shitload of tolerance.

No, honey, they're not dating anymore. They broke up.

FRANK: Wait a minute. Who's this Melissa?

Is she cute? Frank--

Hey, I'm just trying to keep my options open, all right?

Frank, you're horrible.

George, aren't we all just horrible? Aren't men just such jerks?

I think that Nina and George have a great relationship.

Yeah, when we see each other, we have a great relationship.

(sighs)

Hey, George, uh, when they start complaining about not seeing you enough,

you have to buy them a diamond or take them to the theater.

Hey, maybe we could all go see a friend of mine who's in a play next weekend.

Well, I'm on call next weekend, and Frank certainly isn't going without me.

FRANK: Oh, come on. CAROLINE: No. No.

So does that mean I get a date alone with you this weekend?

Or will I get another call Saturday afternoon?

WOMAN: Saints do not move. They grant, for prayer's sake.

Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take.

PAUL: From my lips, by thine, my sin is purged.

Then have my lips the sin that they have took.

Sin from my lips? O trespass sweetly urged.

Give me my sin again.

You kiss by the book.

(chattering) Uh, here we are. Sorry about that.

Thank you so much. Thanks.

Well, cheers. Cheers. Cheers.

It's so nice to meet you. George talks about you all the time. Oh.

Ohh! You were fantastic.

Oh, and, uh, this is Nina.

Hi. You were... great.

Great to meet you. George talks about you all the time.

Hey, George! George! Hey, how are you?

I want you to meet somebody. I don't know if you remember me from college.

Yeah. We talked all night about Walt Whitman.

Trotter Bull. Paul. Paul! Paul! (chuckles)

This is Trotter Bull.

Oh, my God!

I've heard so much about you.

George talks about you all the time.

Is that right? Well, you were wonderful in the play.

DR. GOLDSTEIN: You were wonderful in the play. And you looked so hot.

George, it was so nice seeing you again. Let me give you my card.

If you ever need a stockbroker sometime, okay?

Thanks a lot. It's great seeing you, Trotter.

We got that, you know, 10 o'clock thing.

Nice to meet you.

I wish he'd been our Mercutio instead of who we got.

Rodney, please. And he was right. You were awfully good.

But, you know, people only do modern-dress Shakespeare

because they have absolutely no instinct

for any other period or language than their own.

Clearly, the no-talent who directed this hoped to transform

the world's greatest love story into a Calvin Klein commercial.

The man should be shot! Mr. Fraser?

Yes? I'm the director.

(grunts)

Hey, come on. Let me help you. Thank you.

Goodnight. It was great meeting you. Yes, good night. Listen, Paul.

George and I were wondering what you and Rodney were doing for Thanksgiving.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. We-- No, no, no, no. We'd love to come.

How kind of you. Thank you. Ohh.

Ow! Oh, I'm sorry. Wonderful.

Okay, so 1 o'clock. We'll be there.

Okay.

Bye. Goodnight.

You're an extraordinary person.

They seem like a lovely couple.

Hey, you! I don't care what you say. I love Les Mis.

And I think Andrew Lloyd Webber's a genius.

Hello. Hi. Oh, how lovely to see you again.

Happy Thanksgiving. We're just through here.

Hey. Hi. George. Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving. Do you need any help?

No. Everything is absolutely fine. Oh, what a relief.

'Cause contrary to stereotype, I'm an awful cook. (chuckles)

No. Well, please, please, just make yourselves comfortable.

Or, uh, George, you could take them for a walk, you know,

while I get ready.

Well, um, why don't you two children go and play somewhere?

And, uh, I'll stay here and keep Nina company.

Eh? Oh.

You should tell her, George.

You don't want to hurt Rodney, I don't want to hurt Nina.

I don't want to exclude Rodney. That's different.

(sighs)

Are you trying to tell me something? Because we could stop.

No. I-- Gee, this isn't easy.

I promised. I promised her I'd help her with the baby.

That's great. Help her.

You be the uncle. You be the godfather. Ah, you don't--

No, you don't understand. I'm more excited about this baby than anything ever in my life.

More than me? Oh, jeez, Paul, don't make it that way.

I'm not making it that way, you are.

I love you very much.

You know, I think we're both behaving rather well

under the circumstances.

After all, it's not always easy...

being alone in the bedroom next door.

Next door to George and Paul? You knew that?

Of course.

Of course I knew that. I think Paul's great. I think he's just great.

Well, we're all great.

You must think I'm pretty peculiar.

(chuckles) I have opinions about Shakespeare.

About other people's lifestyles, I have absolutely no opinions whatsoever.

And I don't think one should be too hard on oneself...

if the object of one's affection...

returns the favor with rather...

less enthusiasm than one might've hoped.

But a small observation, if I may,

from someone old enough to be your grandfather.

Oh, you're not that much older.

Have you noticed that you're the only woman

coming to your Thanksgiving dinner?

Yes. All my female friends, they're either busy or they have family--

Now, don't get defensive. Have you also noticed...

that you're the only practicing heterosexual...

coming to your Thanksgiving dinner?

Well, I, uh, I haven't practiced in a while.

I'm serious.

What happens when all the men at your Thanksgiving dinner

find other men?

Who's at your table then?

Don't fix your life...

so that you're left alone...

right when you come to the middle of it.

Lord...

for the erring thought,

not into evil wrought.

Lord, for the wicked will,

betrayed and baffled still.

For the heart...

from itself kept,

our Thanksgiving accept.

(chuckles)

To Nina and George, our wonderful new friends.

To Nina and George.

To friendship. Yes.

ALL: To friendship.

(Nina clears throat)

Well...

Paul,

I think you and I ought to be getting going.

Well, actually, I think I'm gonna hang out here for a while.

RODNEY: Oh, well. (chuckles)

PAUL: Is that okay, Rod?

When would you be getting--

Yeah. Uh, right.

Well, thank you...

for including me in your holiday. Thank you for coming.

Yeah. Paul.

Happy Thanksgiving, hmm? Okay.

George. Oh, goodnight.

Uh, could I walk you out to the--

No. I'm fine. You sure?

Let me--

Thanks. Bye.

Goodnight. Bye, Rod.

Oh, well, let's-- let's get cracking on these dishes.

That's all right. I've got it. I've got it, thank you.

GEORGE: You sure? Yes, definitely. Goodnight.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Absolutely the best holiday.

(chuckles)

I love you.

(water running)

It was a wonderful dinner, Nina.

Thank you.

(dishes clanking)

Nina, it's 3 o'clock in the morning.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I wake you?

No.

Paul wanted some ice cream.

Oh. That is so sweet. You guys have so much in common.

(clears throat)

Paul thinks, uh,

you don't like him.

I don't know him.

Y-You seem to like Rodney.

Well, Rodney is a decent and intelligent man...

who is very hurt and insecure.

We're all very hurt and insecure. Who do you know that isn't?

Paul. Paul seems to be...

a totally happy guy.

You don't like him. Oh, what the hell difference does it make...

if I like Paul or not, George?

You like Paul and that's what's important.

And that's great. I mean, that is just great. I just finished my work.

Nina, I slept for months in this apartment with you and Vince right there.

That is different! How is that different?

Because you don't tell a woman that you love her, and two days later,

bring Romeo home to sleep with you! You invited him!

Yes, and for dinner! And I invited Rodney too.

I thought they were a couple! Oh, come on, you didn't think that.

Well, you didn't tell me otherwise.

Nina, look at me.

Nina-- Nina, look at me! What?

I thought we were going to make up new rules.

Yeah, well, they have to work for both of us.

So you can have a man in your bed, but I can't.

Oh, God, no, no! You can't!

You cannot have me and Paul and this baby.

Why? Because you deserve to have it all and I don't?

No! It's not about having it all.

It is about picking one person and making it work.

And when you are fucking a man in the next room,

it makes it pretty clear the person you don't wanna make it work with is me.

Yeah, that's bullshit! Oh, fuck off, George!

(scoffs)

You forgot Paul's ice cream!

♪♪♪♪ ("The Wedding March")

(laughing, chattering)

Caroline, let's face it. My little brother is cute. (laughing)

And if you can deal with the 20 women waiting outside with pistols,

I think this union will succeed brilliantly.

(laughing, oohing)

My friend Nina, the wisest person I know,

said to me yesterday...

"You have to pick one person and make it work."

Frank...

I think you picked absolutely the right person.

(oohs and aahs)

I'd like to propose a toast.

To the Drs. Frank and Caroline Colucci Hanson.

ALL: Hear, hear!

(giggling)

(applause, cheering)

Your husband is adorable.

I can't imagine my husband still calling me his friend.

♪♪ Life was a song ♪♪

♪♪ You came along ♪♪

♪♪ I've laid awake ♪♪

♪♪ The whole night through ♪♪

♪♪ If I but dared ♪♪

♪♪ To think you cared ♪♪

♪♪ This is what ♪♪

♪♪ I'd say to you ♪♪

♪♪ You were meant for me ♪♪

♪♪ I was meant for you ♪♪

♪♪ Nature fashioned you ♪♪

♪♪ And when she was done ♪♪

♪♪ You were all the sweet things ♪♪

♪♪ Rolled up in one ♪♪

♪♪ You're like a plaintive melody ♪♪

♪♪ That never lets me free ♪♪

♪♪ For I'm content ♪♪

♪♪ The angels must have sent you ♪♪

♪♪ And they meant you ♪♪

♪♪ Just for me ♪♪

(cheering, applause)

♪♪♪♪

WOMAN: All right!

WOMAN: Very nicely done. Very nicely done.

George, I gotta get out of here.

You okay? (sobbing) Yeah, I'm okay.

Are you sure?

Yeah. I just had to get out of there.

I know. Weddings can be a little much.

But it works.

What do you mean?

(sighs)

I was watching Frank and Caroline today...

and I just kept thinking...

"This is real.

And George and I are not."

(sniffles)

We're just different.

But I don't think that I am that different.

I want you to be with me.

I want you to marry me.

I want you to love me the way that I love you.

I don't really wanna see who you are at all.

I think you see me.

Well, then, tell me the truth.

What do you want?

I want Paul.

(sobs)

And I want to be able to look at you

and not feel so hurt by you.

I'm so sorry.

The last person in the world I'd want to hurt is you.

I know that. I know.

You can't choose who you love.

I think Paul was the best thing that ever happened to us, you know?

At least he got us to tell the truth.

But I-I don't want to lose you.

I can't let things stay the same.

(gasps)

Take care, man. Congratulations, buddy. Way to go.

Hey. Sorry. I got here as fast as I could.

No, it's okay. George was with me the whole time.

Good.

This is Molly.

NINA: There she is. Oh, hello, Molly.

I'm your dad.

Yeah. (coos)

Shh-sh-shh. Molly, Molly, hush, hush, hush. It's okay. You got her?

It's okay. It's okay. I got her.

♪♪ Look for the union label ♪♪

♪♪ When you are buying ♪♪

♪♪ A coat, dress or blouse ♪♪

(chuckles)

♪♪ Remember somewhere ♪♪ Which one of you is the father?

♪♪ The union's sewing-- ♪♪

Vince McBride is the father.

Can you come with me? We have some paperwork for you.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure. Hey, you be nice to your mother, honey.

Here we go. Ooh, yeah. There she is. Okay.

Okay.

Wonder if Madame Reynolds has ballroom dancing for babies.

(both chuckle)

Are you kidding?

Come here, Molly.

Let's show mommy your dancing legs.

♪♪ You were meant ♪♪

♪♪ For me ♪♪

♪♪ And I was meant ♪♪

♪♪ For you ♪♪

George, when were you planning on moving out?

I don't know. (chuckles)

I think you should go before I get home.

Well, uh, are you-- are you sure?

I can stay until you and Molly get settled.

No. I don't want you there.

We'll be fine.

It's time for Molly and me to get on with our lives.

I'll speak to Paul.

Thank you.

(Molly coos)

You're a very lucky girl, Molly McBride Borowski.

You have the world's best mommy.

Bye, Nina.

Bye, George.

Head up, young person.

Hi. Hi, Molly.

I love you.

(chattering) Hello, I'm George Hanson,

principal of the Prospect Park Cooperative School.

We want to welcome you to our annual music celebration.

(applause, cheering)

And now, on with the show!

(cheering, applause continues)

♪♪ Listen as your day unfolds ♪

♪♪ Challenge what your future holds ♪♪

♪♪ Try to keep your head up to the sky ♪♪

♪♪ People they may cause you tears ♪♪

♪♪ Go ahead release your fears ♪♪

♪♪ Stand up and be counted don't be ashamed to cry ♪♪

♪♪ You gotta be you gotta be bad ♪♪

♪♪ You gotta be bold you gotta be wiser ♪♪ Molly!

♪♪ You gotta be hard ♪♪ ♪♪ Hard ♪♪

♪♪ You gotta be tough you gotta be stronger ♪♪ ♪♪ Tough, stronger ♪♪

♪♪ You gotta be cool you gotta be calm ♪♪ ♪♪ Cool, calm ♪♪

♪♪ You gotta stay together all I know, all I know ♪♪ ♪♪ Together ♪♪

♪♪ Love will save the day ♪♪ ♪♪ Save the day ♪♪

♪♪ Herald what your mother said ♪♪

♪♪ Readin' the books your father read ♪♪

♪♪ Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time ♪♪ Go, Molly! Go, Molly!

♪♪ Some may have more cash than you ♪♪ (laughs)

♪♪ Others take a different view ♪♪

♪♪ My oh my, hey, hey ♪♪

Whoo! Molly! Yay!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

♪♪ You gotta be hard you gotta be tough ♪♪

♪♪ You gotta be stronger ♪♪

I gotta go. I have an audition.

What time are you gonna be home? Right after yoga.

Look, are you sure you don't mind? You had me over last Saturday.

Oh, hey, Rodney, you're family, man. Of course not. Yeah.

SALLY: Constance, why can't I get a ring in my nose?

Sally, get straight inside. This is a very bad neighborhood.

This is a fucking great neighborhood.

My name is not Constance. It's Mother. What is with the "fucking"?

Nina, don't forget dinner Thursday.

Umberto Eco and Sharon Stone are coming. Oh, goody.

I got a bidding war going for Sharon's memoirs. She's great. You'd love her.

Good-bye, Louis. Good to see you again. Nina, two seconds.

Louis... (indistinct)

There's someone who's coming I want you to meet, so-- Why? I am with Louis.

Sweetie, you've made your point. It's time to move on. Get your hair cut.

Sidney? Sidney! Let's go. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Molly, you were great. Perfect. CONSTANCE: Sidney!

Coming. Coming. You were just ter-- I love that hat.

Can I give you a ride?

No. I'm not going to use taxpayer dollars to fund my personal transportation.

I'll take the subway, thank you. Oh, well.

Suit yourself, Vince. I will see you at home.

Bye, Molly. Great job. Bye, Louis.

Bye-bye. Bye, Louis.

Nina, I am the only man in your life who ever made any sense.

You know that, right? I do know that.

Mm, okay. Bye-bye, sweetheart.

Bye, Daddy. I love you.

George!

Great show. Love your work.

Oh, hey, do you guys want to come over for dinner Saturday night?

Rodney's coming. Oh, that sounds great. I'll ask Paul.

Okay. Uncle George, I had more people come see me than anyone.

Yeah? I had Mommy and Daddy, Louis, Uncle Rodney, Uncle Sidney--

Honey, you are just the luckiest little girl.

Yeah. And if you ever need any advice, ask Auntie Constance.

She knows everything. Oh, stop it.

♪♪ Life was a song ♪♪

♪♪ You came along ♪♪

♪♪ I lay awake the whole night through ♪♪

You wanna go grab some coffee? Yeah.

You guys always go for coffee. All you do is talk.

Well, excuse me, but we like talking.

Yeah. Did-- You know, Nina, do you ever just wanna touch her nose?

It's just like a little tulip. Don't you dare start with her.

It looks nothing like a tulip. Come on.

♪♪ If I should dare ♪♪

Mommy, I can do George's job.

You can?

Really?

Yep. "Welcome to the...

Prospect Park Cooperative School..." (indistinct)

♪♪ You were meant ♪♪

♪♪ For me ♪♪

♪♪ And I ♪♪

♪♪ Was meant ♪♪

♪♪ For you ♪♪

♪♪ Nature fashioned you ♪♪

♪♪ And when she was done ♪♪

♪♪ You were all those good things ♪♪

♪♪ Rolled into one ♪♪

♪♪ You're like a plaintive ♪♪

♪♪ Melody ♪♪

♪♪ That never lets ♪♪

♪♪ Me be ♪♪

♪♪ I'm content ♪♪

♪♪ The angels must have sent you ♪♪

♪♪ And they meant you ♪♪

♪♪ Just for me ♪♪

♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪

♪♪ You're like a plaintive ♪♪

♪♪ Melody ♪♪

♪♪ That never lets ♪♪

♪♪ Me be ♪♪

♪♪ I'm content ♪♪

♪♪ The angels must have sent you ♪♪

♪♪ And they meant you ♪♪

♪♪ Just ♪♪

♪♪ For ♪♪

♪♪ Me ♪♪

Captioned by Point.360