Original subtitles

Welcome to hell!

Hyde. New releases just arrived at the store.

Oh! Is that Abba?

Huh

Oh cool! I love the Talking Heads.

They have a girl in the band and she�s like a real musician who doesn�t have to use her sex-appeal.

Although it wouldn�t kill her to put on some lipstick.

Maybe pop a few zits�I mean you�re on stage for God�s sake.

My band has a girl in it too. We totally respect her as a musician.

A musician with really big boobs.

Hey. You know what they should have? An all girl band.

Except in stead of playing instruments, they just dance around and make out.

You know you and Karan could totally hit it off.

My band and I are heading up to my parents cabin this weekend. If you wanna come?

Oh well

me to shave a G into his back for the Packers� game.

Soooo�.

YES, I would love to come.

Ohhh Barry Manilow.

Alright Randy, here is what I want you to do.

Take this record, go back to the store.

Anybody looks like a Manilow-fan, chuck it at their head.

Even better. I�ll throw it at their crotch.

We don�t want those people reproducing.

Sooo�Donna.

Sounds good. You and Randy in a cabin.

Breathing in the fresh mountain air.

Having sex.

What are you talking about?

Well you see, when a boy likes a girl, the boy gets the girl drunk�

Hyde.

That�s not gonna happen.

He�s not into me like that and he knows I�m getting over a break-up.

Come on man. Don�t you know how guys think?

Not really.

The only guy I have ever been with is Eric, and as far as I know,

a typical guys thoughts are: Who would win in a fight? Bigfoot or Chewbacca?

All right.

Here is what a typical guy thinks about.

Sex, beer and pinball.

Now,

if a guy can have sex while drinking beer on a pinball machine�

well that�s the beautiful story of how I met my wife.

Well�if it isn�t Miss Mooch, my unemployed roommate.

What would you like to mooch today? My cheese puffs?

My yoo-hoo?

My Oil of Olaz?

Fez, I want to find work but it�s really hard.

I spend all morning going to every store in the mall.

And when I find the right outfit, I�m gonna look for a job.

Fez! I look fantastic!

You know, I always give credit where credit is due. So,

thank you God for my fantastic bone-structure!

So Christine, what�s on the agenda for my favorite local talk show host?

I mean besides from looking Fez-tastic.

Well today I�m off to the zoo.

It seems a baby elephant is being born.

And I wanna be the first thing it sees,

so it knows there is beauty in this ugly world.

Well for my money, nothing beats the time when you

ran along with cops and stopped the liquor store hold-up.

Well, I got lucky then. The day before the show I learned to do the Flamenco.

And as it turns out, a high dance kick

doubles beautifully for a knock-out blow to the face.

Ciao darling!

I love it when she says ciao. It's like she made up a whole new way to say goodbye.

Was that Christine St. George?! She my idol!

THAT's who I should be working for!

OH! We could co-anchor What's Up Wisconsin together!

Oh, I could just picture it!

- I'm Christine St. George. - And I'm Jackie St. Jackie!

And it's time to ask...

- What's up Wisconsin? - What's up Wisconsin?

Coming up today: war, famine, disease...

But first, our top story.

Jackie St. Jackie is SPECTACULAR!

And in sports today: I'm GORGEOUS!

Oh, this is just in.

Jackie St. Jackie is the greatest girl ever!

- I am! - I know!

Jackie St. Jackie? I got breaking news.

You're freaking nuts!

Oh Jackie, you're watching Christine St. George. I just love her!

The other day she had a tiger cub on her show

it was just the sweetest thing you ever saw!

Right up until it mauled the weather man.

Yah, but he probably deserved it.

He looks like he smells like ham.

Oh but you what Christine handled it perfectly.

She distracted the tiger with the food critic�s lamb chop

and then she made a tourniquet out of her microphone cord.

I know, she's amazing!

Oh, oh she's back!

That sure is one big pumpkin Tim!

Coming up, a high school marching band that collectively

has lost more then 400 pounds!

You know what?

I'm gonna write Christine a letter and ask her for a job.

Oh no no no no, you have got to go talk to her in person.

Trust me, there is nothing celebrities like more then people showing up in their offices.

Steven,

you have finally reached that point in your life where you're no longer a dumb-ass-kid.

You're a dumb-ass-man.

Wow. Those dumb-ass-teen years just flew by.

And now that you're married,

I'm gonna take you through a rite of passage. To the Viking Lodge

Gosh Red. I don't know what to say.

I guess the first thing that comes to mind is uh...

no.

I stripped at the Viking Lodge in Vegas for a guys 85th birthday.

He had a heart attack.

But then the paramedics showed up and they were really good tippers.

Come on Steven!

You need a place where you can hang out and have a beer with other married men.

BOY does that sound boring.

Hanging out in a dingy room drinking beer and doing nothing.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be in the basement...

All right Red. I guess I'll go.

You're not gonna make me wear one of those silly Viking heads are you?

Course not, don't be ridiculous.

Ours have horns and chin straps.

And your name stitched in yarn. It's very classy.

Wow. Nice cabin.

It has a cozy, mid-century dead carcass feel to it.

Yeah. I like to come up here when I really feel like roughing it.

So, you hook up the VCR, I�ll go microwave some nachos

Heyyy Donna.

Did you have sex with Randy yet?

Would you shut up?!

That is NOT what this weekend is about.

Oh.

Yeah. You�re right.

A guy invites a hot girl to a private cabin deep in the woods.

It can only mean one thing.

He wants you to meet his band!

Okay.

Maybe it�s a little weird that they�re not here.

A little weird?

That�s like saying it�s a little crazy that you�re talking to a floating head.

We are all alone.

Did bring wine.

Wait a minute! Maybe you�re right ! Maybe he wants to get it on!

Did somebody say �get it on�?

Fez will you get out of here?

Yeah Fez, beat it!

Why you�

Son of a bitch!

Hiiii, uh, I�m here to see Christine St. George.

Do you have an appointment?

No, but I am her biggest fan and I would love to be her co-anchor.

Okay, have a seat and a psychiatrist will be right with you.

Oh please Miss, couldn�t you just let us in for two minutes?

I got a better idea.

How about if I let you in for no minutes?

Please? Please could you let us in? I know I have what it takes to be on TV

and I just need to demonstrate my talents to Christine.

Oh and I just want an autograph.

Or a souvenir.

She made cheesecake on yesterday�s show, is that around?

You really want to get in huh?

Okay, I�m thinking of a number between one and ten.

- Six. - You got it!

Ohhh So does that mean that we can go in?!

No. That�s the number of cops I�m gonna call if you don�t beat it.

But... I�m supposed to be her co-anchor!

And I�m supposed to be Brooke Shields.

Ain�t life a bitch?

So Steven, this is the Viking Lodge. What do you think?

I can see why you got that CPR poster in the hallway.

Red!

It�s great to see you ! Who�s the new guy?

Murph, Smitty, this is my friend Steven.

Hey

Steven just got married.

My condolences.

Listen. I�ve been married for forty years and I�m half the man I used to be.

But it even out.

My wife is twice the woman she used to be.

He�s saying she�s fat.

Biiiiig woman.

You know, pretty soon your wife will be nagging at you about doing one chore or another.

You know uh taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn.

Making love to her.

Wait till she starts finishing your sentences for you.

Or in my case, my pieces.

You know I used to think it was cute when my wife finished my sentences.

You know what I want her to finish now?

Living!

See,

that�s the thing about marriage.

No-one tells you about the three rings.

There�s the engagement ring, the wedding ring,

and the suffer-ring.

He�s saying she�s annoying.

Biiiiig pain.

Is this all you guys do? Kinda stand around the bar and complain about your wives?

Of course not!

So listen. I�m having a few drinks the other night.

And my old lady says: I suppose you like yourself better when you�re drunk?

I says: No, I like you better.

My wife came to me the other day and said: We don�t talk anymore!

And I said: You ruined the streak!

You know, I�m learning a lot from you guys in here.

For instance: bras.

Not just for girls.

the steam is great.

Time to loosen the towel and release the hounds

Don�t look down�.don�t look down�

Aaaaahhhhh! I saw the hounds!

Ms. St. George,

you put the beauty in beautiful, the sass

in sassy and what else can I say? I love a big tip!

And what else can I say? I love a big kiss-ass!

So, who is gonna be on the show today?

Oh, Pete Rose.

I gotta go warm-up, I don�t want my slider to hang over the plate.

He really took me downtown last time,

but not today Pete Rose!

NOT today.

Okay well, let me get your hair products, I�ll be right back.

Okay darling.

Hiiiii, this is Jackie St. Jackie, reporting live from Fresh Hair.

Today�s topic: Ugly people who are running with scissors,

health hazard or community service?

Ohhhh why hello Christine St. George!

Why hello crazy girl talking into a hairbrush!

Jackie!

Out! Out! Out! Out!

I apologize Miss St. George.

This is Jackie, my roommate.

She wants to be your co-anchor on What�s Up Wisconsin.

Huh. Well, from what I�ve seen you do so far Jackie�.

I�d say yououou have what it takes.

Really?!

Uhhhh no. But you seem like a dear thing so good luck to you.

Adios!

Adios? How does she even come up with those?

OH, she forgot her hair products. Christine!

Wait! No no! Fez! Wait, wait, let me deliver them to the studio.

They�ll have to let me in and I can talk to her.

I don�t know Jackie.

I�ll give you a free peek at me in the shower.

This end is up

Well, it took a while, but then the rugged outdoors man finally got the fire going.

Lucky for us he was hiking by.

Well Randy. Here we are. All alone.

In front of a nice roaring fire.

This has worked out perfectly.

The only thing you forgot is I�m not a stupid bimbo!

What?

This whole act may work on your little groupies, but not me.

So find another groupie to grope, you gross groupie groper!

Donna, how can you say that?

I mean literally, that sounded really hard to say!

This whole night has been one long set up to get me alone!

Oops, my friends didn�t make it, what�s next,

oops, I spilled wine on your blouse, oops, we�re naked!

Oops, made an ice cream sundae on your boobs!

Uh Donna�meet my band.

The band is here!

Band, meet Donna.

Believe it or not, she�s sober.

I�ll help you guys unload the van.

Uhm Randy�

I feel like such a moron, I thought you were trying to hit on me.

Donna, I wouldn�t do that.

I�m pretty old-fashioned when it comes to romance.

We�re talking flowers, candy, love poems.

And well,

you haven�t given me any of those things.

I mean this is gonna be really hard to say but

I�m sorry that I called you a groupie gro - a gross groupie�

I can�t even say it.

Wait, you two aren�t going to do it?!

No. You guys were wrong.

And since I control you, I can make you do this!

Donna stop it!

Gross man, what did you eat for lunch?!

Christine St. George? Hi, uh Jackie Burkhart.

Yes the roving hairbrush reporter.

How did you get past reception?

Well I really wanted to talk to you, so I asked Fez if I could deliver your hair products.

Oh. Oh! Well I�m glad you did.

Because now that I see you standing in a television studio,

I think you have a solid career ahead of you.

As a delivery girl.

Can I validate your parking?

But Ms. St. George please, if you would just give me a chance?

Look, I know I have what it takes to be on TV.

I own three of them!

I also know everything about you.

What you like, what you don�t like. What you wear.

Dear, these are skills I could teach a monkey

And as a matter of fact, I did. Episode 427.

Wow.

But here�s the good news.

I like you.

You�ve got sssspirit.

No�m�moxie, yes mo� Wait,

no, it�s it�s gumption.

Oh there�s a word for it and I can�t think what it is�

Oh well. But the point is, look,

you have a job if you want it, as my assistant.

- Really?! - Yes.

Ohhh I�ll take it!

Ohhh! I have a job in television! Oh wait, wait,

do I get to say What�s Up Wisconsin?

You can answer the phone any way you like!

Oh there is my little Viking-in-training.

So, how was last night?

Don�t even get me started on the hounds.

Oh! The hounds�

The hounds are an old man�s testicles.

I don�t know how I�m gonna tell Red, but I don�t wanna be a Viking.

All that those guys do is sit around and complain about their wives.

Oh Steven no. Those men were just kidding around.

Did Red tell the one about the three rings?

I came up with that.

Steven!

Bad news about the Viking Lodge.

They don�t want you back.

All my hopes and dreams have been...

unaffected.

But you know, just out of curiosity, why would they not want me back?

It was Smitty.

He felt that your eyes were�lingering�

Oh Jackie.

How is the first day of work going?

Terrific. I can�t believe I�m in the glamorous world of show business.

I have finally arrived!

Oh, here is your coffee.

Thank you

Uhm, I asked for half and half. This is milk.

Right, but I kind of thought they were the same thing.

No no, half and half is NOT the same thing as milk.

They�re different.

Just as listening to me and NOT listening to me�.are different.

Like happy and FURIOUS are different!

Like employed and FIRED are different,

do we understand each other? GOOD!

Now get me the coffee I want or I�ll get a monkey to do it!

Jackie! Psst! Come here!

Don�t take it so hard sweetie.

Sometimes Christine flies off the handle like that.

But most of the time she�s a real sweetheart.

- Oh. Really? - No.

Welcome to hell!

Hey.

The name of the Show is "What's up, Wisconsin."

Why is it that every story you write is about Minneapolis?

All right, you know what? You're fired.

Go take a slow boat to China.

Maybe I will.

I love boats.

Hey, Christine?

Hey, what do you think about my new beret?

This is what I think about it!