Original subtitles

Oh my God, what did I do...

You married a Las Vegas stripper.

Congratulations.

With Eric gone,

you're the town dumbass!

Steven,

how could you get married and not remember?

It's not like

forgetting where you left your keys or where you parked your car

or your tenth anniversary...

I don't know what happened, I mean,

Samantha and I hung out for three weeks, and then

one night we got really drunk and I remember waking up with a killer hangover,

thinking I better get out of Vegas before I'd do something stupid

So close!

Here are some pictures of our wedding

We found this beautiful little chapel called "Weddings and Waffles".

Wow, that must have been some wedding.

It's not too often that you see the bride jump out of her own cake.

Oh man, it's starting to come back to me.

I remember seeing a cross and an altar.

But I thought I was having that Excorcist-dream again.

WHERE'S THE STRIPPER?

THERE SHE IS!

THERE IS A STRIPPER IN THE KITCHEN!

AM I YELLING? I CAN'T HELP IT!

OOOOOOH HYDE YOU MARRIED A STRIPPER I LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH

You must be Kelso. I'm Samantha Hyde

Oh my God, you took my name?!

Oh Steven, you look like you're about to throw up!

Here,

use Eric's 'whoopsie' basin.

Aim for the Snoopy.

I got the get out of here. I'm gonna go to the record store.

Well Hyde, you're freakin' out man.

You married a stripper! You're living every guys dream!

Well not my dream, my dream is always the same,

monkey gives me the finger

and flaps his lips at me

and takes off with my clothes.

Trust me, you don't wanna live that dream.

What's the store doing closed in the middle of the day?

Maybe it's Rosh Hashanah.

Hey dude, pull up a pillow.

Leo,

what the hell did you do with my record store?

Record store?

You know now that you mention it, this place would make an awesome record store.

I left you in charge and you turned my store into a hippy den for your stoner friends?!

That's not true man.

I don't know any of these people.

Leo, I'm not in the mood for this today.

Just get these people out of here alright. I'll be in my office

Leo there is an ORGY in my office!

I can't the boys from the girls it's hair everywhere!

Man.

This is no way to spend Rosh Hashanah.

I can't believe Hyde.

I mean he completely broke Jackie's heart.

Who just goes and marries a stripper?

What are you, dense?

Anybody who can, that who.

Okay, get dressed. We're going out.

But it doesn't really matter what you wear, because everyone is gonna be looking at me.

But don't wear that.

Wow Jackie.

After everything you've been through with Hyde, you come here and insult me?!

You're all better!

Well I'm not gonna sit around moping.

I'm gonna do what every woman does when they hit rock bottom.

You're going to have sex with me?!

No.

I'm going to go out and meet some boys,

and crush their hearts one by one.

You know Donna, Eric is in Africa. Must be close to hitting rock bottom...

Not really.

How long has a boy have to wait before one of floosies hits rock bottom?

Oh. Samantha.

You're painting your toes in the kitchen.

That's funny because I was just making meatloaf in the bathroom.

Sorry.

Hyde told me how much he likes painted toes.

He told me some other things that he liked but I said: Hey I'm a stripper not a contortionist.

Well isn't that just more then a mother wants to hear.

Okay so,

I'm curious.

What is your act like?

Do you sing?

No I just dance.

Oh. Well when I was younger, I took tap. Do you do tap?

No funny that you should mention it, I strip to taps!

You mean

the song they play when an army man dies?!

Yeah.

It's my tribute to our armed forces.

I wave the American flag

and then for the big finish, I give a salute

and the I smack my fanny

Sorry I...

No I'm sorry.

This thing has a mind of it's own

Red,

I'm not sure how I feel about having a stripper stay in our home.

It's, what's the word,

an abomination!

I don't think Steven even knew what he was doing when he married her.

It sounds like he was as schnockered as you were on St. Patricks Day.

Okay well that green punch sneaks right up on you!

I think Steven has made a huge mistake.

But what are we gonna do?

Kick Sam out?

Oh we will do no such thing.

You will!

Oh fine.

But the next time you hit a deer,

you're the one putting it out of it's misery with it's tyre iron!

Well well,

another day in the life of Point Place police officer. I just confiscated a whole box of lighters,

paraphernalia and illegal substances...

ice work officer.

Now we're hooked up for two months.

So...

what do we do now...

Man I think I have to fire Leo.

He almost put me out of business.

Just wish there was a good way to do it...

This is definitely gooder.

Gooder?

Yeah that's a word.

Leo,

I left you in charge of the store and you let me down man.

So I'm sorry to have to say

you're fired man!

I think the word you're looking for is 'fried' man...

And I am.

No no man I mean you're fired.

That's even funnier man!

And I totally deserve it.

Yeah and you're under arrest too!

What?!

I'm just kidding. These handcuffs don't even work, look...

wait, these are the ones that DO work...

Hey, I saw this Help Wanted sign outside.

You still looking?

Errrrr,

Leo were you trying to hire somebody?

You know yesterday I was having a hard time opening up a jar of pickles

so I put the Help Wanted sign up.

Too late man, I found something else to eat.

Why do they make the lid so tight? It's just pickles!

So you're not hiring?

That's a bummer. Cause I gotta say,

if this is your idea of a staff meeting,

I'd work my butt off!

What the hell man, I'm in a giving mood right now.

You can have the job and do all the work that Leo wasn't doing.

And Leo I can't fire you man. You're too awesome.

New guy, you're hired.

Leo you're not fired, jobs for everyone.

Well that was hard but it had to be done.

Wow Jackie, that is quite an outfit.

Does it come with a pimp?

Donna, this is my man-catcher dress!

It is scientifically designed to make men want me,

while at the same time knowing they could never really have me.

Oh everyone loves a tease...

Oh he is cute and smiling!

I'm gonna go and make him wish he was dead!

Can I ask you a question?

Yes, I'm available.

But not to you! HA! BURN!

Oh my God that was so much fun, I wanna do another one!

Actually I just wanted to know your hot blond friend's name...

Oh I don't have a hot blond friend.

I'm just here with Fez and Donna.

Donna? Thanks!

Wait, wait, what, you like Donna?!

She reads books for fun!

Hi,

I'm Mark.

Wow,

you have one of the prettiest smiles I've ever seen.

Oh

thank you!

Well the secret is to brush with baking soda!

Actually I was talking to Donna.

Wow, you are just gorgeous.

Really?

Yeah you know Donna means 'lady' in Italian.

And Belladonna means 'fine lady', and you,

you are definitely one fine lady.

What's Italian for 'keep going'?

Wanna play a little pool?

Oh I'm sorry I can't. I have a boyfriend.

He's in Africa.

Well he is just missing out on how beautiful you look.

La mia fiora bella.

Italian!

Can you believe that?!

Ah don't worry. You still got me.

Hi, I'm Kim.

Dance with me.

So long lame-o!

Hey Samantha,

you should have seen your dopey husband today.

He was supposed to fire Leo,

but then he wussed out and hired a new guy too.

It's like the time I went to break up with this chick and I ended up doing it with her AND her mom.

I understand why you couldn't fire anyone.

On the outside you're rough and cynical,

but underneath is all you're just a sweet curly-haired boy who likes to be tickled.

Really?!

Kelso, if you try to tickle me,

I swear to God I rip off your arm and tickle the bloody hole with your own hand.

You'll figure out what to do honey, you have great instincts.

You have a great butt too, but that's a whole other thing

She is awesome.

Hey Sam, let me ask you a question about being a stripper.

Can I see your boobs?

Oh Samantha.

You're here.

Did Red talk to you by any chance?

Mr. Forman? No. Why?

Oh. Well. Uhhm.

"What's that? Be right there Eric!"

Then my psychiatrist said the reason I always want sex

is because I never got apporoval from my parents so I'm trying to find it somewhere else.

Do you think he's right?

Dear God I hope so!

Who does that guy think he is rejecting me like that?!

I am the hottest girl here! Right Fez?

Hey you!

Mark is it?

Yeah.

I don't know where you're from.

But I'll have you know, I am the catch of Point Place.

That's true. That's how she signed my yearbook.

Ah come back here!

Nobody ignores Jerky Backhart!

I am adorable!

I am engaging and I'm DAMN likeable.

And if you're too stupid to see that,

then I feel sorry for you!

Cause if anyone should be the center of attention here,

it's me.

Jackie!

What the hell is a "boobs out"?

Okay, your turn!

Ah Samantha, there you are, good.

Hi Mr. Forman. I was just unpacking.

Aren't these cute?

Oh!

I mean you can't tell like this.

You have to picture them like this

Plus they hold dollar bills better then anything I own.

I'm going upstairs to find you a wallet!

Hey Randy, come here. I want to talk to you.

Yeah sure, but check this out first

See these guys over there? They think Leo is an Almond brother.

- Why would they think that? - I told them!

Wow,

Leo is an Almond brother?!

Yeah man.

We were overstocked with Almond Brothers albums.

So I figured meeting one of the guys of the band would put people in a buying mood.

And it totally worked!

And Leo's up for this?

Oh he has no idea what is going on.

I mean... at all. He's really out of it.

You know now that you mention it,

if we give him a hat and some sunglasses we could probably use him to move some ZZ Top!

Yeah.

Your friend here might be pretty enough to pass of as Cher.

Yeah.

That's not a bad idea Andy Gibb!

So what did you want to talk to me about?

Oh.

I guess I just wanted to congratulate you on your new job here at the record store.

I name you senior vice-president in charge of scams.

Alright man!

Man, I can't fire Leo.

He's like a father to me.

Well like a friend.

Well he's like a guy who always has lighter.

Whoho.

So if you're not gonna fire Randy, and you're not gonna fire Leo, I got a question.

Can I see your wife boobs?

Hey guys, guess what.

One of the Almond Brothers is here!

This new guy Randy is awesome!

Today he was looking over the records, and he figured out it be easier to find things

if we just alphabetized them.

Hey, do you know what you were doing just now?

No, what?

Telling your wife about your day.

Pretty cool huh?

Didn't suck.

Oh good. You're both here.

We want to talk to you about your marriage.

Steven, I've come to think of you as a son,

and so I want to give you some honest, hartfelt advise.

Get your head out of your ass.

You two barely know eachother.

Not to mention that I saw a TV movie where someone like you moved in

and killed the whole family.

Steven honey,

if this isn't what you want, you should say so now.

Yeah, you should.

Hyde, if you don't want me here, I'll pack up my things and leave tonight.

No man, it's cool.

Okay then.

Oh she's staying.

Well

Well I guess I'll go set an extra place at the table for stripper... supper!

You're never gonna believe this! I drove here this way.

Jackie, will you please come out?

I don't think even anyone saw you.

OH MY GOD!

I'm sorry about my friend, she's a little prudish.

She's not as free with her body as I hope you will be.

Ready to go baby?

Hey buddy, the only guy she is leaving with is me!

Unless you just wanna do it in the bathroom, then we can leave separately.

Fez, there is something I need to tell you.

Mark and I are married.

What?

Yeah we come here every weekend and watch eachother hit on strangers.

It makes for some ultra hot action when we get back home!

Wait, yeah Eric and I tried that once.

I got three phone numbers and he got the highscore on Space Invaders.

Wait, you do this every weekend?!

You shower some poor loser with affection and then toss him aside when you're done?!

Yeah.

See you next weekend...

I gotta say, Sam is pretty cool.

Yeah?

Yeah yesterday for no reason at all,

she grabbed a beer out of the fridge and just like gave it to me.

I mean what is that all about?

Maybe that is what husbands and wives do for eachother?

Craziest damn thing I ever saw.

Uhm Steven? I just wanna let you know that we're through.

If you're gonna go off and marry someone you don't even know, then we can't be together anymore

Okay. Well I guess you always have Kelso to fall back on.

Or Fez.

Hey what? Did I hear my name?

Are Jackie and I going to do it?

Can somebody tell me what is going on?!

Steven I have been so stupid for so long.

I tried to force Michael to marry me, I tried to force you to marry me.

And last night I threw myself at some unavailable creep I didn't even like.

Well, now you've hit a new low.

Throwing yourself at some guy on Rosh Hashanah.

So you know what? I'm done making an ass of myself for you.

Or any other guys.

In fact,

I'm done with guys completely.

Hear that Hyde?

We screwed her up so bad she's switching to chicks! How awesome are we!

So I was thinking about you all week,

how cute and flustered you looked when I kissed you.

I really liked that.

Yeah. Me too.

You know what, this too creepy even for me.

Enjoy your sick life together.

I'm sorry about that. I didn't even know what it is about.

So where were we?