Original subtitles

♪ Who's the improbable duo That you heard about?

♪ Faster than a scooter Stronger than metal

♪ Who's the little girl And her domesticated rodent?

♪ Who's still standing When you see the dust settle?

♪ It's Hamster Hamster, Hamster

♪ Hamster and Gretel

♪ If they can't do it Then nobody can

♪ Hamster, Hamster, Hamster

♪ Hamster and Gretel

♪ There's also Kevin In the minivan ♪

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

I am Record Scratch

and now the whole world will bow

before my sick DJ skills.

GRETEL: Hey, Record Scratch.

You're gonna love the acoustics in jail.

Oh, yeah?

Try to put this in jail!

(RECORD SCRATCHING)

(MUSIC BLASTING)

Gretel, look out.

DJ punch! (GASPS)

(GROANS) The beat dropped.

(GRUNTS)

Yeah. Great assist, Hamster!

Hamster?

Hamster! Kevin, where's Hamster?

He must be around here somewhere.

Hamster!

Hamster? Hamster! (MEOWS)

Hamster!

He's not anywhere.

Maybe something happened to him.

What could happen to him?

He has superpowers.

He was probably hungry

and went home to eat some carrots.

Cabbage! Cabbage is his favorite.

I don't know. He's your hamster.

That's a terrible thing to say.

He's our hamster.

I just meant that you feed him.

I don't feed him because he's not my hamster.

Hamster, where are you?

Boy, am I glad you finally woke up.

You've been out for hours.

What were you doing all alone in the street like that?

GRETEL: Hamster, where are you?

What's the matter? You don't remember?

Oh. You must have amnesia.

I'm Billy and I'm gonna call you Peanut

because you're small and brown

and have fur just like a peanut.

Except for the fur. (GIGGLES) Yeah.

GRETEL: He's small, light brown, has fur.

No, peanuts don't have fur.

His height? Five. Five and a half.

No, inches. (LINE DISCONNECTS)

Hello? Hello? They hung up.

Oh, Peanut, my whole life has changed since I met you.

Nobody's ever understood me the way that you do.

I don't care if the other kids laugh at me

and throw dirt at me

and put mayonnaise in my pants

because now I have my hamster best pal.

(LAUGHS) Oh!

(GASPS)

(LAUGHING)

MAN: ♪ It's a beautiful day I've ever seen

♪ The sky's so blue

♪ All the grass so green

♪ 'Cause it's true

♪ I found a friend in you

♪ It's magical

♪ I think we both agree

♪ That it will stay this way

♪ 'Cause we'll never be misconstrued

♪ I found a friend in you

♪ We're inseparable Each other's company

♪ We mutually enjoy

♪ Just a boy and his hamster

♪ A hamster and his boy

(BELL RINGING)

♪ A hamster and his boy ♪

Have you seen this rodent?

Excuse me. Have you seen this rodent?

Have you seen this hamster?

Have you checked Riff Van Winkle's?

He plays piano there a couple of nights a week.

He plays piano?

Must have that disease

that makes hamsters play piano.

There is no such disease, Andrew.

Well, looks like we don't know Hamster as well as we thought.

And in this pouch I have bandages,

medical tape and antiseptic.

I get hurt a lot.

GRETEL: The queen of the trees!

BILLY: I don't like this tree.

All the kids dared me to climb it

and when I was afraid,

they threw their lunches at me.

I smelled like burritos for a week.

Mmm. I don't know.

I'm afraid, Peanut.

You're right. Let's do it.

Oh! (LAUGHS) We did it!

Oh, Peanut, you make me feel like I can do anything.

Ooh. Wait. Selfie.

(SHOUTS)

Oh, Peanut, you saved me

and you can fly.

Wow, I'll never be afraid of anything again. I swear.

Except for snakes, and the dark, and potatoes.

They have eyes.

It's creepy.

(SIGHS) I still have a few things to work through.

(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Can I help you?

Excuse me, but we're looking for our friend.

He's about this big, doesn't talk much.

Oh, and he's a hamster.

You know Hamster?

I haven't seen him for days.

I had to give half our customers

their money back when he didn't show last night.

(CHUCKLES) What? Does he run in a little wheel

that powers the piano?

Hey, don't you badmouth Hamster!

He was really there for me when my mom was sick.

(STAMMERS) Sorry. I'm just so upset

that I can only deal with it with inappropriate humor.

Yeah, I know how that is.

When my grandpa died,

I made fart jokes for six weeks.

Okay. Well, thanks for your help.

Gretel, look, it's us.

It's signed "Hamster."

"Gallery Aubergine. Sixth Street."

When did he have the time

to paint all of these?

Well, hamsters are nocturnal.

I am afraid that these

will be out of your price range.

Monsieur Hamster is very in demand.

Actually, we're friends of Monsieur Hamster.

Friends of his?

Oh, why didn't you say so?

He hasn't been here for days,

but feel free to look around.

Wow! These are pretty good.

He knows my pain.

You know, Monsieur Hamster

might be at one of his two favorite hangouts.

The old oak tree in the park

or Easter Island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

I'll take Easter Island.

And I'll take the park.

He sees me. (SOBBING)

Hamster! Hamster!

Are you around here, little buddy? (SPLASHES)

(GASPS)

Yeah. The other kids won't let me play here

'cause I throw so badly.

I mean, I'm not very good,

but maybe with your help, I can be.

Ah! I'm throwing the ball!

Aw! Who am I kidding?

I'm just a dork and mustard sandwich,

like the school counselor said.

Let's just go home, Peanut.

Peanut?

Ahhh! No! Peanut, don't do it! No!

It's dangerous!

(SCREAMS)

(COUGHING)

Peanut.

Peanut, are you okay?

Oh, I don't know what I'd do

if something happened to my little hamster.

KEVIN: He's not your hamster.

He's my hamster.

Hamster! It's me, Kevin.

Hamster, don't you remember me and Gretel?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, no, you must have the wrong hamster.

Come here, Peanut. Let's have some carrots.

Hamster's favorite food isn't carrots. It's cabbage.

My name isn't Peanut, Billy.

It's Hamster.

That fence must have shocked you something bad.

You're talking!

I belong to a girl named Gretel,

who I care about very much.

And also this guy Kevin here.

You're a wonderful boy, Billy.

And even though I have to go back to my real family now,

I'll never forget you.

Oh. Here's a coupon for half off at my jazz show.

(SNIFFLES)

You fool! I don't want your stupid coupon.

And I'm not even a little boy.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(MUTTERING)

(GRUNTING)

Almost there!

(SIGHS IN RELIEF) Oh, man, that was constricting.

I am The Imposter.

Got to admit, I did not see that coming.

It was I who lured you and Gretel downtown

disguised as Record Scratch.

I hurled the tractor trailer at Gretel

knowing that you would try to save her.

From my study of the effects

of tractor trailers on the hamster cranium,

I knew that you would get amnesia.

Then I brought you home

and once I had gained your trust,

I used your superpowers

to help me get a high angle photo of this park,

allowing me to discover

the location of this hidden fence.

And finally I had you disable

the 20,000 volt electrified fence

which just happened a minute ago.

But I'm telling you about it again

because it was so cool.

Yes, I used your one weakness,

kindness, to help me steal

this experimental flying tank prototype.

It's a hybrid so I can take the car pool lane.

And now I am unstoppable.

Hamster, you're alive.

Never mind me. Go fight him.

GRETEL: Oops. Hugs later.

(SCREAMING)

This ball is basically indestructible, right?

Yeah. I got a plan.

You can fly. Just lift it up.

Oh, right.

(GASPS)

Thanks.

(SIRENS WAILING)

Hamster, we did it.

I mean, what's up, dude?

Uh, glad you're not dead.

Right back at you.

I missed you so much.

Don't you ever do that again.

You mean get amnesia and then be abducted

by a grown man disguised as a kid?

Okay, I'll avoid that.

Neither of you is gonna unzip your skin, are you?

BOTH: No, we're good.

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