Original subtitles

- [Announcer] Higher Universe Pictures.

(engaging instrumental rock music)

(hairbrush brushing)

(engaging instrumental rock music)

(flat iron brushing)

(engaging instrumental rock music)

(Mildred sighs softly)

- Honestly, Francois.

You chose the diviest dive bar you could find?

This place smells like an asshole.

- Blanche, the staff love it.

It's great for morale.

(Blanche scoffs)

- So anyway, he rolls over and looks at me and says,

"Blanche, tell me how you feel about me."

And I'm like, "The same way I feel about itchy sweaters.

"Now get the fuck outta my bed

"and don't touch anything on your way out."

(women laughing)

- (laughs) Blanche, you're so funny!

- Don't touch me.

- So that's a common misconception.

The majority of the organism is actually underground.

The mushrooms are the fruit, or the dick, if you will.

- You know, it's hard to find a bar

that'll just pour you a full glass of Bailey's.

I thought there was a law against it.

♪ In record time ♪

- Can I see some ID?

♪ Believed in my style ♪

♪ You've captured endless hearts ♪

♪ Now you've captured mine ♪

♪ The weight of the loss ♪

- Hi, Mildred. - Hi, Mildred.

- [Coworkers] Hi, Mildred.

- Hi, guys.

Can I see the book?

- [Coworker] Sure.

- Thanks.

(pool balls striking)

♪ There ain't no time for talking ♪

- Oh, good evening, everybody.

Welcome to Wednesday night karaoke.

I am your host, Croaky Okie Karl!

(patrons cheering)

Give it up for our very first superstar of the night.

Mildred Moyer!

(patrons cheering)

- Hey, Mildred.

- [Tim] Knock 'em dead, Mildred.

- Miss Toucan sings?

- Apparently.

- She does have the perfect face for radio.

(women laughing)

(cymbals banging)

♪ Dangle your feet off the edge of a bridge ♪

♪ Wonder what it would be like if you just let go ♪

♪ Wiggle your toes, swing your legs back and forth ♪

♪ Take a dance, take a chance while you're on the edge ♪

♪ 'Cause you won't ever go ♪

♪ You might be casually suicidal though ♪

- I'd be overtly suicidal if I had a nose like her.

♪ May offer you advice ♪

♪ They think they're being so damn nice ♪

♪ Saying it's not worth the price and they're right ♪

♪ But the fight doesn't end right then and there ♪

♪ We all know, we all can go casually suicidal ♪

- Hey Mildred, if you're lonely,

I know the perfect guy for you.

He's cute, Italian, made of wood.

His name's Pinocchio!

(women laughing)

(upbeat instrumental rock music)

- Oh, pretty good.

- Good job, Mildred. - Yeah, good job.

- Give it up, you guys!

That was Mildred Moyer, loud and proud, everybody!

(patrons cheering) (patrons applauding)

Oh, you guys keep it going though!

'Cause we have got Blooming Wells CEO,

voulez-vous Francois Lalaine!

Give it up for...

- Fuck that shit.

I put my name in before Francois.

I'm singing next.

- Francois's the boss.

- Oh, suck a dick, Anishka.

This isn't work, this is the real world.

I'm going up.

No hard feelings, Francois!

(patrons cheering)

Hit it.

(hard rock music)

Whoo!

Come on!

♪ Well now, ladies and gentlemen, I just heard the news ♪

♪ I just ran right out of green and it's giving me the blues ♪

♪ Baby, let's face it, I do it all the time ♪

♪ I've got no money and I've got my week set up on the run ♪

♪ Midnight jokers, I'm talking to you ♪

♪ What you gonna do ♪

♪ Gonna run it down passed out on the ground ♪

♪ They won't get the blues ♪

♪ Daytime jokers, be awake to pain ♪

♪ I do it all the time ♪

♪ I'm passed out, legs kicked to the pipe ♪

♪ And rolling the dice ♪

♪ Waiting, anticipating ♪

♪ Mean green ♪

♪ Celebration ♪

♪ Let's just remember to pump those hats ♪

♪ A friend's weed is a friend indeed ♪

♪ Let's get high ♪

(tense music)

(people laughing) (hands clapping)

- Everybody that was Bla...

Blanche!

- And don't forget it, bitches.

- Whoa!

(country rock music)

- Excuse me, this is flat.

- I beg your pardon?

- It's flat.

- What's the matter, Mildred?

You inhale some of your drink up your nose?

(woman laughs)

- Yeah, you did.

- Is there something wrong with this drink?

- No.

- Good, thanks.

- Let's go fuck in the back.

- Bartender says it's fine.

- But it's not fine, it's flat.

- You think you know more than the bartender?

- No, it's just, if I order something I'm gonna pay for,

I expect it to be made correctly.

- You're gonna pay for that drink

or I'm gonna get Eddie to throw you out.

- I guess I'll just drink it.

- Yeah.

- Great performance up there.

- I know, right?

- Grammy speech! (hands tapping)

- Okay, well, I would like to thank my family,

but most of all, I'd like to thank my millions

of fans around the world.

(women laughing) (lips smacking)

Well, this place blows.

Let's go to Roxanne's across the street.

- Great idea, Blanche.

- [Blanche] Oh, shut up, Nina.

(melancholic music) (water running)

(receipt slaps)

(Mildred sighs softly)

(gunshot pops)

(footsteps thudding)

(suspenseful music)

- Fucking bitch!

Don't just stand there.

Help me!

(shoes clacking)

(light switch clicking)

(door banging)

(couple moaning)

(loud moaning)

(fist banging)

(woman moaning)

(couple moaning) (bed creaking)

(shopping cart rattling)

(toilet flushing)

- [Mildred] Dave?

- Hey, Mildred.

Hi.

How, how's the internship going?

- It's good.

- All right, I'm out of here.

Have a good day.

(door bangs)

- Morning.

- How'd that happen?

- We were drinking.

- Sounds like your night was more fun than mine.

- (sighs) You know, Mildred,

I could set you up with someone.

There's a guy at my work.

He's a little older than you, he's middle aged,

and he's on the heavier side.

He's got a little bit of a weird eye.

- I don't wanna be set up with anyone.

- Have you even gone on a date the

entire time we've lived together?

- A person's worth isn't measured

by the number of notches in their bed post.

- Don't you get lonely?

- And I suppose having a different guy every night

of the week gives you some sense of human connection?

- Is that jealousy I detect?

- No.

- Maybe you should get another hobby.

This weird shit is a real turn off to guys.

- [Mildred] What a crime!

- (sighs) Listen, Mildred, you're not ugly.

You could be attractive if you just fixed your nose.

I know a doctor who can take care

of it real cheap, like real cheap.

Do you want me to set up an appointment for you?

- Let me write this down so you understand.

- (sighs) You know, Mildred,

people are prettier when they smile.

- Do you know how many times I've asked you for that report?

Four, four fucking times,

and I still don't have it, you little shit stain!

Why are you here?

Why are you even here?

- I had something...

- (mumbles) You're doing nothing.

You're fucking incompetent.

Your mustache is stupid.

You might dress like a porn star,

but every one of those girls out there that slept with you

said you're a shitty lay, so get the fuck out of my office!

You dress like a fucking dweeb.

Get out of my sight, get out!

- Hey, Mildred. - Bye, Rick.

Hey Blanche, you guys didn't pay last night when you...

- It's 9:15, Mildred.

- Pardon?

- It's 9:15.

- I don't understand what you mean.

- Christ, Mildred.

It's 9:15, and I still don't have my coffee.

Didn't I tell you yesterday

to bring me my coffee in the morning?

- [Mildred] Yes, I was going...

- 9:16 now, Mildred.

Do you think you could get it to me by the weekend?

- Yes, Blanche.

Sorry.

(shoes clacking)

(coffee splashing)

- Looking forward to the retreat?

- I can't go, it's my sister's wedding on Saturday.

I'm the photographer.

- Too bad, should be fun.

- Pictures are fun too.

- Whoa.

Watch it, new girl.

You almost poked out my eye with your nose.

- Come on, Lola, don't be mean.

- It's not her fault she was born deformed.

(women laughing)

- Ugh.

- [Together] Ew.

- Yes, Francois, I've already done it.

No need to worry. (chuckles)

Excuse me?

What are those?

- Cream and sugar.

I didn't know what you took in your coffee,

so I brought both.

- Francois, can you hold for a moment please?

Thank you.

Mildred, come here.

Closer.

More.

I'm gonna explain something to you.

I'm VP of this company, do you know what that means?

- Vice president?

- Mm-hm, now as vice president,

do you think it's a good use of my time

to pour cream and sugar into my own coffee?

Or do you think that's something an intern would do?

- An intern, I guess.

(hand claps) - Bravo.

(Blanche sighs)

Goddamn, Francois, where do you find these interns?

The one with the enormous...

- Francois wants you to run this over

to Diane at the salon.

- Lola, did you cross out your name

and put mine down for Saturday?

- Yeah, I wanna go to the retreat.

Francois said I could.

- My sister's wedding is on Saturday.

I booked it off the day I started.

- Remember what Francois said, our company motto?

Be a team player.

I can be a team player by going to the retreat.

And you can be a team player by taking my shift.

See, it's a win-win.

- No, I booked that day...

- Diane's waiting on that package, Mildred.

Get on it.

(shoes clacking)

(notification bell dinging)

(door creaking)

- Hey, Mildred.

- Hi Felix, how are you?

- Good, how are you doing?

- I'm good, how are you?

Oh, I just asked that.

Oh my God, I'm so dumb sometimes.

- Mildred, it's okay, I do it all the time.

- Is Diane here?

Yeah, she's just in the back there.

- Mildred Moyer?

Is that you?

- Hey.

- It's me Doris Ennis.

- Yeah, I remember you.

- How long has it been?

- Since grade nine.

- Remember at the school assembly when I

yelled out that you had genital herpes?

- Yeah, I remember.

(Doris laughs)

- You didn't come back to school after that, did you?

- No, I switched schools.

- We used to do a lot of mean stuff to you.

So what's new with you now?

Married, kids, anything?

- No kids, not married.

- I'm surprised you didn't get your nose fixed by now.

God knows how much we teased you about it.

Kids will be kids, right?

Anyway, I gotta go.

We should grab coffee sometime.

- Yeah, okay.

(notification bell dinging)

(shoes clacking)

Here's your package.

- Can you sign this?

- Are you just gonna stand there?

(women sigh)

- Mildred, are you doing anything on Saturday?

- Actually, I have to work.

- Oh, oh, okay.

- But not the whole day, why?

- No reason, don't worry about it.

- Did you want to, I mean, did you have plans or did, um...

- I don't really have plans, but I guess if you're busy,

then I guess I'll see you around?

- Yeah, okay.

(notification bell dinging)

- Well, can't you get Mildred to do it?

Oh, Blanche and her friends are going out tonight.

I'm gonna see if they let me tag along.

Oh, the one with the big nose.

(Mildred sighs)

- It's not a big deal.

If you can't come, you can't come.

What are the odds it's going to be my only wedding anyway?

(water splashing)

- Priscilla, why can't I be one of your bridesmaids?

Mom said she asked you.

- I don't know, Mildred.

You just don't fit in.

- You mean I don't fit into your

unachievable ideal of beauty.

- It's not that unachievable.

(Mildred groans) (rag slaps)

Oh, come on, Mildred.

You should have a thick skin by now.

(door slams)

(man chattering softly)

- Yeah, one of them had their tongue ripped out.

Their eyes were gone.

Some of them, their tents were ripped to shreds.

(Mildred weeps)

(somber instrumental music)

- Gwen, what was that doctor's name?

- I don't know how many times I'm gonna have to tell him

if he wants to touch me there, he's gonna have to pay extra.

(shoes clacking)

(hand knocking)

(tires rumbling)

(equivocal rock music)

(beer cans clanking)

(Doctor grunts)

(beer cans clanking)

(car door slamming)

(equivocal rock music)

- Hi, Mildred.

I'm Dr. Wash.

- Is it normal for plastic surgeons

to work out of strip club basements?

- It's been happening more and more.

I started the trend though.

- Oh, polka dots, wow.

Hey, can I take this?

- Sorry about the mess, but I can assure you,

I am 100% professional.

Beer?

Mm-hmm.

Sometimes the Lord sure can pull some cruel pranks.

- That doesn't make me feel any better.

- I'm not here to make you feel better.

I'm here to make you look better.

I bet hundreds of people told you

that looks aren't everything.

- Yes, I've lost count.

- Something ugly people always say.

Oh, I've altered that picture you sent to show

what you would look like after the procedure.

(Mildred gasps)

I take it you want to go ahead then?

- Yes.

- This is the start of a new life for you, Mildred.

See you here tonight at 11.

- 11, isn't that kinda late?

- I've got an engagement I gotta attend beforehand.

But time isn't what is important.

Results are important.

I'm gonna make you beautiful, Mildred.

- Oh, thank you so much, Dr. Wash.

- Oh, and Mildred, cash only.

(tense music)

- Goodbye, you ugly bitch.

(tense music)

- You're sure you're not too drunk?

- I'm good.

Great party.

Thanks for the ride.

(car door bangs)

(Dr. Wash mutters)

(doorbell ringing)

(liquid swishing)

(mouth gurgling)

(mouth spitting)

Mm, you're beautiful.

You got the money?

Ah, you are a lifesaver.

Come on in.

(glass shattering)

- Was that a rat?

- There are no rats in Alberta, everybody knows that.

Just relax.

(gas hissing)

Now, just count backwards from 10.

And when you wake up, you'll be a new woman.

- [Mildred] 10, nine, eight, seven, six, five,

four, three, two. (lighter clicking)

(hard rock music)

(footsteps thudding)

- Hey, Dr. Wash.

(hard rock music)

- Delmont.

(hard rock music)

(button clicks)

I was kind of in the middle of something here.

- You've been dodging my calls.

- I've been busy.

- Busy is good, where's my money?

- I got some of it. (chuckles)

- You just got back from Mexico with your family.

Expensive trip, huh?

- My wife paid for the trip.

- That's a lie.

I always notice a brand new car in your driveway.

You know how that makes me feel when you're

going living large and you owe me money.

Who is this?

One of your young girlfriends you fix up

so you can take advantage of 'em?

- She's just a patient.

- Yeesh, I see why she wants a plastic surgeon.

Maybe I can help.

- No, don't!

- Hit him in the gut!

(fist pounds) (Doctor groans)

(fists pounding) (Doctor groaning)

(mouth spitting)

- I might not quite have your skills, Doctor,

but I'll try my best.

(Doctor groans)

(man laughs)

Then again, I don't think you want her back

after I'm done with her.

(scalpel scraping) (cartilage cracking)

Here, you want some of this?

- Fuck off!

- It'll make a nice meal for the dog.

Here, give me the rag.

You think he got the message?

- Yeah, I think so.

(groans) God.

Oh God!

Hey, honey.

Hi, yeah, I'm fine.

Okay, listen, I don't want you to panic.

I need you to grab Lacey.

I need you to pack a bag, just the essentials.

Hop into a car, get over to work and pick me up.

No, don't worry about telling your mother, just hurry!

(footsteps thudding) (bottles rattling)

(ominous music)

(electrodes snapping)

(ominous music)

(Mildred panting)

- Dr. Wash.

(dramatic music)

Dr. Wash!

(Mildred groans)

(Mildred screams)

(Mildred inhales)

(Mildred groans)

(tense music) (footsteps thudding)

(siren wailing)

(footsteps thudding)

(footsteps thudding)

(Priscilla gasps)

- Oh my God, what happened?

Where is your nose?

- I don't know, the doctor wasn't there when I woke up.

Can you drive me to the hospital?

- I can't even look at you.

Can't you call a cab?

- Prissy, please!

Just because I look like this doesn't

make me a different person!

- Get away from me, you Bride of Frankenstein!

- But I love you!

- Ew, gross, Mildew!

(plate whacks) (plate shatters)

(knife squelches)

- Oh my God.

I'm so sorry.

- You fucking bitch!

(knife squelches)

(entrails squishing)

(body thudding)

- By the way, it was me who ripped the head

off your Baby Molly doll when we were kids.

(water splashing)

(knife scraping)

- Mildred?

- Hi, Peter.

- What happened to your face?

- My baby noses fell off.

Have a lovely wedding.

Let me know if you need any help with photos.

(door bangs)

(suspenseful music) - Prissy?

(water splashing)

(shoes clacking)

(water splashing)

- Oh Gwen, we could have been such good friends.

(water splashing)

(suspenseful music)

(shower curtain clattering)

(Gwen gasps)

(dramatic music)

You're right, Gwen.

People are much prettier when they smile.

(neck snaps)

Dave?

- Mildred?

Don't, don't kill me.

- I won't, I have no problem with you.

Except for maybe your taste in women.

Promise to fix that?

- Yeah, sure?

- Okay, good.

- What happened to your face?

- Botched plastic surgery.

- That sucks.

- Yeah, totally.

- So will you give me like 10 minutes

before you call the cops?

- Sure.

- Awesome, thanks. (key clangs)

Oh, hey, should we hug?

Bye. - Bye.

(shopping cart rattling)

- What happened to your face?

Botched plastic surgery?

- Yeah.

- Damn, does it hurt?

- Actually, quite a bit now that I'm out of chloroform.

- Ah.

You want this?

- Oh my God, you're an angel!

- I just want to help.

(shopping cart rattling)

- Ugh, that's nasty.

(Mildred retches) (liquid splashes)

Maybe just a bit more to numb the pain.

(ominous music)

(footsteps thudding)

(nose snorting)

(toilet flushing)

- Were you doing coke in there?

- No.

- I share with you, you gotta share with me.

- Christ, Marilyn, if I had some I'd share it.

What do you think I am?

- Why do you have my husband's shirt?

- He left it at the gym.

I brought it here so you can give it back to him.

- Oh, thank you.

- You're welcome.

(trunk door slams)

- Are you guys ready, we're all packed up.

- Road trip!

(tense music)

- How'd I get here?

- I came back to the bench and found you passed out.

Figured you might need someone to watch over you.

- You guys live here?

- No, we have a five-star hotel room.

We're just hanging here in the woods

for the inspirational atmosphere.

- Patty says that you got your face fucked up

from plastic surgery.

Why'd you do that?

- People convinced me I was ugly and needed plastic surgery.

I couldn't afford a licensed doctor,

so I went to a bargain one and he did this.

- Talk about First World problems.

- Physical appearance is a huge part of self-identity.

It crippled myself self-esteem.

- Yeah, look at us sweetheart.

Like we really feel sorry for you.

- I guess not.

So why do you guys live here?

- Drugs.

- Drugs.

- Drugs.

- Economic downturn.

Just kidding, drugs.

So you got nowhere to live now?

- I guess not.

I killed my roommate and my sister, so I can't go home.

The police are probably out looking for me.

You guys have no problem with what I did?

- My brother shot a cop, and he's on the run.

Who am I to judge?

- Good.

Because a whole lot more people are gonna die.

- You're looking a little gungy.

Why don't I give you a mask here?

I found it in the street.

- Cool.

How do I look?

- Like a force of nature.

- Thanks for everything, guys.

- Give 'em hell, Mildred.

(equivocal instrumental music)

- Marilyn, get the fuck away from my car.

Your smoke's blowing in.

What's taking that skank so long?

She trying on clothes in there?

Christ, Lola, how can you eat all that shit

and still stay so skinny?

- Fuck you, it's not all for me.

- It wasn't an insult, I'm jealous.

You wreak like a fucking ash tray back there.

I should make you ride in the trunk.

- Fuck you, Blanche!

(car engine humming)

- Oh God, look who's here.

Please, don't come over here.

Christ, what did I do to deserve this?

Why did Francois even invite these losers?

- Hi, Blanche.

Hi, Lola.

Hi, Marilyn.

There's only three of you.

I thought you said there was no room in the car for me.

- There's not, you take up too much space.

Maybe you should lay off the donuts at work.

(women laughing)

- [Nina] So funny, Blanche!

- Well, bye, Nina.

Hopefully you won't get into a car crash

on the way out there.

(women laughing) (car engine humming)

- See you there!

(equivocal instrumental music)

- Hello, cruel world!

(equivocal instrumental music)

(door bangs)

(lock slicks)

- Where's Felix?

- He doesn't work here anymore.

He wasn't exactly a team player.

- You know what?

Every time I come in here, all the employees are rude to me.

- What do you want me to do about it?

(knife squelches) (woman chokes)

(knife squelches) (woman gasps)

(knife slashes)

- Whoops, I missed.

(suspenseful music)

(neck cracks)

(suspenseful music)

(scissors squelch)

(pen squelches)

(stapler clicks) - No, stop!

No!

No, stop!

Oh, please, no! (stapler clicks)

(suspenseful music)

(Mildred laughs)

- No!

(woman choking)

(hands slapping)

(woman choking)

- Doris Ennis.

Let's see what you've been up to after all these years.

Oh, Doris is a teacher!

I hated teachers, they were always so mean to me.

But let's deal with the low hanging fruit first.

(tense music)

(hands banging)

(tense music)

Hi, Doris!

- Holy shit.

- It's me, Mildred Moyer.

- What happened to your face?

- Wow, you still don't like my nose.

There is just no pleasing some people.

You know, I never forgave you for all

that shit you did to me back at school.

- Yeah, what are you gonna do about it?

- I don't know.

I'll just make it up as I go.

(knife thudding)

(knife squelching)

I wanna see something.

(gasps) I knew it.

Genital herpes!

- Where are you headed?

- Roxy's on 137th, thanks.

- Nice mask.

- I know, right?

(footsteps thudding)

Remember me?

- No.

- We had a disagreement about the carbonation level

of a gin and tonic.

- What the fuck are you talking about?

- How can you not remember, I...

Fuck it, I'll just kill you.

(wrench whacking)

(wrench whacking) (blood squirting)

(Mildred grunts) (boot thumps)

Not so tough now that you don't have your douchebag bouncer

to protect ya, are ya?

Taking back my money, that drink was fucking flat!

(uptempo rock music)

♪ Heading down to the local bar, walked in the door ♪

(pool balls striking)

- Last time I was here, you made fun of my nose

while I was trying to sing.

- I did?

- May I have that pool cue?

You know, it's rude to ridicule

someone's physical appearance.

- Well, I was probably drunk.

- Are you drunk now?

- Yeah.

- Good, that'll make this less painful.

(pool cue squelching) (man choking)

And you, you were laughing while your buddy

was making fun of me.

- I'm sorry, I'm a terrible person.

I only laughed 'cause I just wanted to fit in.

I'll never do it again.

- Hmm.

Wow, remorse and insight into your own actions

and the willingness to cease the inappropriate behavior.

If more people were like you,

the funeral homes would be less busy this week.

As you were.

I'll let you live, sir.

- I no longer have a pool partner, can I just go?

- Yeah, sure.

(man whimpers)

Geez, at least try to maintain your dignity.

Hey, if I see one more flat gin and tonic,

I'm coming back for you, understand?

I wanna see bubbles, goddamn it!

(uptempo rock music)

(sirens wailing)

Hmm.

Hey, here you go.

- Thanks. (chuckles)

You're a beautiful soul.

- Beauty's not only on the inside.

- Well, I can't judge your outside.

I haven't seen your face.

I've had worse.

- Oh my God, that's like the nicest thing

anyone's ever said to me.

Here, let's have a hug.

- Okay.

(hand patting)

(tense music)

- Is that?

(gasps) Oh my God, it is.

(Mildred gasps)

- So I'm at this big mansion party, man,

running into these two kids,

trying to tell 'em about music, man.

I'm telling these guys, man, if it wasn't for the '60s,

people really even really wouldn't know what love truly is.

- Nick Zane, oh my God, I can't believe that's you.

I'm your biggest fan.

- You supposed to be a superhero or something?

- Superhero? (chuckles)

What part of this doesn't scream serial killer?

- So were you at the show tonight?

- No, actually I was on a killing spree,

but then I just saw you here and I was like, "Oh my God!"

- Oh, well, nice to meet you.

Do you want my autograph?

- No, actually I got your autograph a few years ago

at one of your concerts.

I partied on your party bus for a few minutes

before your guys threw me off.

Wait a minute, do you remember what you did to me

when I was drunk and vulnerable?

- Wait, hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't even start that, man.

I never even touched you.

- I know, but you didn't even try!

Why not, am I not good enough to be one of your groupies?

(sighs) Do you know what it's like

to feel unloved and unwanted?

- Okay, get out of here you fuckin' psycho!

(cleaver slices) (man groans)

You bitch!

- No need for name calling.

Hmm, and what to do with you?

(golf club smacks)

Fore!

Not a good shot.

Let's try the other one.

(golf club smacks)

(bin rattles)

Yes!

Hole in one for Mildred, whew! (laughs)

Wakey, wakey, Tommy.

- Who are you?

- Mildred Moyer, remember me?

- Mildred, what are you doing in my house?

- What, I can't check in on my exes?

- No.

- I do admit it is a bit stalkerish, but now that I'm here,

I'm kind of embarrassed to say this,

but it's great seeing you.

- Okay, Mildred, you're starting to freak me out.

You have to leave.

- You cheated on me, Tommy.

- What, that was in the 10th grade?

- Do you know how much that hurt?

- Well, we dated for like a week,

and I kissed Kelsey Summers like once.

I was gonna kiss you, but I was like worried

that your big nose was gonna poke me in the eye.

So you got that fixed?

- Oh yes, Tommy, I've been fixed.

- Okay, I'm calling the cops.

(knife squelches) (Tommy groans)

- Hey, a ukulele?

Check out this song I like.

♪ Casually suicidal ♪

♪ It's one big cycle you can't ignore ♪

You've heard it before.

(ukulele thumping) (Tommy groaning)

Hi Kelsey, it's Mildred Moyer from high school.

Do you remember in grade 10 when you kissed Tommy Sherlock?

Did you know him and I were dating at the time?

Okay, as long as you didn't know.

Yeah, I actually saw him for the first time tonight

since graduation.

He's doing all right.

(computer keys clicking)

(cat meowing)

(boots clacking)

Hi, Mrs. Sokel.

- [Mrs. Sokel] Who are you?

- I'm a former student.

Ah, ah, ah, I wouldn't do that if I were you.

The last person who tried that paid dearly.

- Oh, okay, let's just calm down here.

Obviously you need help, and I'm here to listen.

- Oh, I'm far beyond psychiatry.

- Who are you?

- I'll give you a hint.

You used to keep a box of tissues on my desk

so anyone who needed to blow their nose

during class had to come see me.

You said it was in honor of my abnormally large nose.

You made me play Pinocchio in the school play.

Even though the play was Cinderella.

- Mildred Moyer?

- 'Tis I!

- Why are you wearing a mask?

Jesus Christ, what happened?

- I got a nose job.

- I hope you got a refund.

- Humor as a response to terror, classic.

- [Ms. Sokel] What are you doing?

- I'm here for revenge.

I was on a roll, so I figure why stop?

(water splashing) (Mrs. Sokel crying)

(Mrs. Sokel crying)

Aw.

Here, let me take a look.

Oh, oh! (laughs)

I'm sure you'll be fine.

I'm not going to kill you.

Some fates are worse than death.

- No, no!

- By the way, I read your book and it sucked!

(hip electronic music) (camera shutter clicking)

- All right, now I want sexy poses.

Sexy poses.

There you are, there you are, yeah.

Perfect, perfect, there.

Mm-hm, perfect, mm-hm.

Oh, perfect, yes.

Twirl, twirl for me.

Twirl, mm-hmm, perfect.

Yes!

Mm, all right, so now you're a tiger.

You're a tiger, yes, you are.

Be on that Serengeti plain, just lusting, perfect.

Now, you're running, you're running.

You're being chased by a bear.

You're being chased by a bear, run faster, run harder, run!

Run, yes!

Oh, all right.

Now, you're a construction worker,

and you're working a jackhammer and it's so difficult

and so heavy and so hard to work it.

We're going into convulsions, mm-hm.

Spasm it up, come on.

Harder, hard, more, harder, more spasms.

All right, now you're turning it out.

We're giving birth, giving birth.

It's a demon baby and you're frightened,

and you want to throw it away, you throw it away.

You're doing perfect, yes.

(sighs) I am spent.

We're done.

- Hi, Vespa.

- Holy shit!

Who the fuck are you?

- Mildred Moyer.

I see you found yourself a new photographer.

- What?

- You hired me, remember?

When I was just starting out my photography side hustle?

You never paid me.

- You, your pictures were terrible.

- Really, because you used one as your headshot

and got you that movie roll,

which you were terrible in, by the way.

- Fuck you!

What do you want?

- My money.

- I don't have any cash.

- That's okay, I'll take the payment in flesh.

Oh, don't worry.

Now, you can transition from rom-com to horror movies.

(dramatic music)

(gunshot popping)

Who now?

My blood thirst isn't satiated,

and I need someone to kill while I wait

for my coworkers to return from the retreat.

Think back, Mildred.

Who in your past deserves to die for what they did to you?

(dramatic music) (woman screams)

(footsteps thudding) (dramatic music)

(knife slicing)

(dramatic music)

(arrow whooshing)

(arrowhead squelching)

(gasoline splashing) (woman screaming)

(match striking)

(dramatic music)

(knife squelching)

(handsaw sawing) (man whistling)

(bat smacking)

(dramatic music)

(bowling ball thumping)

(skull cracking)

(drill buzzing)

(drill squelching)

- Two more victims... - Has been described as...

- Hate carnage. - Stabbed over 100 times.

- [TV Announcer] Fire at St. James High School.

- Woman wearing a mask. - Police have cordoned off.

- [] Bringing the death...

(bright music)

(record winding down)

(bright music)

- Hey polka dot, what's the hurry?

I can make you a lot wetter than that!

- All right, I'll take you up on your offer.

Turn around, pull your pants down.

Let's go, let's do it.

- Whoa, what is that?

No, no, no, no, I don't think so.

That's not...

That's not where I was looking to go with this.

- Well, you seemed interested a minute ago.

Don't be a tease! - No, no, no, not in that.

That's, that's not where we're trying to go here.

- You're playing hard to get, I get it.

- [Beachgoer] No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Let's, I think I made a mistake.

I'm just gonna go home here, okay?

- I really pegged you for someone interested in this.

- [Beachgoer] No, no, you pegged wrong.

- Come back, I love you!

(gasps) Ooh!

(fishing line whooshes) (fishing hook squelches)

(Mildred grunts)

(body thuds)

You know, cat calling's rude and it never works.

I really just can't think of anyone else

who deserves to face my wrath.

Now that I got this momentum, I don't wanna give it up.

(laughs) I'm just gonna have to wait for those bitches

from work to return from their team building retreat.

Wait a minute, Francois said I need to take more initiative.

Why don't I go to them?

Hey, thanks for letting me vent.

(palm thuds)

- Yeah, I'm heading over to Beaver Lake right now.

And I'll be back tomorrow.

Okay, I'll see you later, bye.

- Beaver Lake, you say.

(mellow rock music) (truck whooshing)

- Don't think about it, just write whatever comes to mind.

Write as many positive qualities about yourself as you can.

Don't worry about being embarrassed.

Just let your mind flow.

Let's keep it PG, everyone.

- Don't embarrass us.

I paid big money for this guy.

- Pfft, should have paid me the big money.

I can motivate these losers way better

than douchebag Coach Hicks.

- All right, guys, trust is very important.

Trust each other, trust each other.

(body thuds)

- Oh, sorry, were we starting already?

(women laughing)

(truck engine humming)

(truck door bangs)

(boots thud)

- I'll be damned, there is a God after all.

- Daddy's gotta run to the bathroom.

The beer's running right through me.

- Well, hurry up.

I'll feel much safer when we're in Saskatoon.

(car door slams)

- Oh, hey, sweetie, pass daddy a beer, huh?

All right.

(footsteps thudding)

(liquid splashing)

- Hi, Dr. Wash, remember me?

- Mildred!

- I wasn't really satisfied with your work.

I'd ask for a refund, but I'll settle for this instead.

(knife slicing)

(blood squirting) (Dr. Wash gagging)

- I don't know what I'm gonna think about.

I don't know how I'm gonna get that.

I don't know, Mom.

He, he won't tell me what's going on.

He just says that we need to get to you

and get to you really soon and it'll all blow over.

I just.

Oh fuck, I...

- You might wanna keep this, as a memento.

- Just hold, hold on, Mom.

I just.

- Who are you?

- An avenging angel, who are you?

- Lacey Wash.

- Keep kicking ass, Lacey.

- I always do.

(Mother squealing) (heels clacking)

- Ugh, where did the truck go?

That was my ride to the campground.

Hey, I'm headed to Summer Grove campground at Beaver Lake.

Can I catch a lift?

- Hop in.

- Thanks.

(truck door slams)

You're not gonna ask about the mask?

- Oh, I know who you are.

You're all over the news, but I'm on the run too.

Shot a cop.

But you know, if you don't rat me out, I don't rat you up.

- Deal.

(car engine humming loudly)

(hands clapping) (group cheering)

- Come on, everybody, come on!

(hands clapping) (group cheering)

Come on, everybody, come on! - Come on, team!

(Blanche shouting) (group cheering)

- Get up, you fat fuck!

God, you're useless!

(chuckles) I mean, way to go, everyone!

Great teamwork. (hands clapping)

- You know, I'm tired of your little outbursts,

and so is everybody else.

- I play to win, that's why you hired me.

That's why I'm good at my job.

- We're here to have fun,

not cut each other's throats in the name of competition.

- These corporate retreats are so stupid.

As if these bunch of morons are gonna come back

to work on Monday and be productive all of a sudden.

- You're not the boss, I am.

And you will do as you're told.

Do we understand each other?

- Oh, absolutely, Francois.

- So, why'd you do it?

- Kill all those people?

- Yeah.

- Psychotic, cathartic release.

- That's fucked up.

(Mildred laughs)

You know, you can take the mask off if you want.

- Might ruin your appetite.

- I don't judge.

- If you insist.

- You have really pretty eyes.

- Thank you.

- I think it's getting infected though.

- I know, but it's not like I can just walk into a hospital.

- No, I know a doctor you could call, real discreet.

- Last time someone recommended a doctor to me,

didn't turn out so well.

- This one's different, she's a real angel.

I'll give you her number.

(car engine humming)

(car door slamming)

- Thanks for the ride, good luck on the lam.

And thanks for the contact.

- [Dan] Give 'em hell, Mildred.

(footsteps thudding)

(footsteps thudding)

- Don't stop now!

Almost finished, we can do it!

(footsteps thudding)

(women panting) (footsteps thudding)

(women laughing)

(hose squeaking)

(water splashing)

(footsteps thudding)

Good job, people.

How does everyone feel?

- [Worker] Tired.

- Whoo, what a work out.

Got my heart pounding.

- Funny how your face is sweaty, but your armpits aren't.

- It's because I'm not disgusting like you, Marilyn.

- [Lola] You're such a cheater.

- You rat me out and I'll tell Francois you've

been fucking his husband!

- Is that blackmail?

- Leverage.

- Good job, everyone.

We've got one hour to chill out before we eat.

See y'all at five.

- Let's go get high.

- Can I come?

- Did you bring your own weed?

- No. - Ah, too bad then.

(women laughing)

- Well, I'll bring some next time.

(footsteps thudding)

- Sorry, I couldn't make it into work today.

I wasn't feeling so good.

- Mildred?

(paddle whacks)

(body thuds)

Why?

- Because you're a terrible boss, Francois.

But don't worry, the company can easily replace you.

I think there's going to be a lot of staffing changes

at Blooming Wells in the next coming days.

(knee cracks)

- Oh, my knee!

- Let's see you try to run away now.

Wow, initiative!

I'm impressed.

You know a part of me is actually cheering for you.

Go Francois, whoo! (laughs)

(boots clacking)

(Francois grunting)

(ominous music)

Okay, that's far enough.

It's chopping time!

- No!

- Do you know how to work this?

Oh.

(chainsaw revving)

There we go! (laughs)

- No!

No, no!

No!

No!

(Mildred laughing) (chainsaw buzzing)

(blood squirting) (Mildred laughing)

(chainsaw buzzing) (Mildred laughing)

- Oh my God.

(chainsaw buzzing)

(water splashing)

(shoes clacking)

(toilet flushing)

(door creaking)

- Mildred.

Why are you wearing the mask?

- To hide my disgustingly huge nose!

- Oh yeah, right.

Whose arm is that?

- Seriously, that's your question?

It's Francois's!

(hand slaps) - Oh, are you insane?

- Obviously!

- No, no, no, no!

(muffled screaming)

(shoes scraping) (muffled screaming)

(eagle squawking)

(knife scraping)

- Ow!

Stupid sliver!

(knife scraping)

- Yeah, so the date really wasn't that good.

- No?

How big was his dick?

- It was somewhere between Rick and Tim.

- Ah, so not that big then?

- What are you doing?

You'll start a forest fire.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Park Ranger.

Please don't give me a ticket.

(spear squelching) (women gasping)

(body thuds)

- Damn it!

I was hoping to get more kills out of that.

Took me like an hour to sharpen.

- What the fuck?

- Oh, sorry.

It's me, Mildred Moyer.

- Ugh, what happened to your nose?

- Seriously, I just killed your friend,

and you're still concerned about my nose?

God, you guys really are heartless.

- Why'd you kill Lola?

- Don't worry.

I'm gonna kill you guys too.

(knife whooshes) (knife thuds)

(footsteps thudding)

Hmm, guess it only works in the movies.

Guess I'm gonna have to take some physical action here.

Okay.

On your mark.

Get set.

Go!

(suspenseful music) (footsteps thudding)

- No, stop, no, stop!

(women chattering)

(body thudding)

Sorry, Marilyn!

(Mildred chuckles)

You're not seriously surprised she did that, are you?

But don't worry, I'll get her back for you now.

Hey, an ax!

(hand slaps)

(leg cracks) (Marilyn groans)

Oh, what are the chances there'd be an ax right here?

Oh!

Whoo, sharp, but still has the blunt force impact

that is so satisfying.

Hmm, good leverage too, easy to swing.

Probably painful as fuck.

Hey!

(ankle cracks) (Marilyn groans)

(blood squirting)

- Please don't kill me.

- I won't kill you, if you eat your foot.

(Marilyn gags)

(Marilyn gags) (Marilyn coughs)

- Ugh, I can't, it's too chewy!

- Mm, too bad.

(Marilyn squeals)

(ax swings)

(footsteps thudding)

- [Worker] We have to do something.

- You guys think it would be too convenient if Blanche died

in an accidental hunting accident?

- We have to stand up to her.

We can't let her treat us like this.

- We should threaten to quit.

- Let's sue the company.

Some of the shit she does has gotta be illegal.

- That's not enough.

(footsteps thudding)

- Francois!

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

(footsteps thudding)

Mildred Moyer's here!

She's fucking snapped and killed Lola!

- Is this part of team building?

- No, you dumb shit, I'm dead fucking serious!

Go look and see if she's out there!

- Don't touch me.

- Go look or you're out of a job.

Oh my God, she's here, do something!

- Hey guys, this is kind of awkward,

but I'm really only here to kill Blanche. (chuckles)

I mean, I'm sure you guys understand.

The rest of you were actually really nice to me,

so I have no problem with you.

But I would recommend that you leave because I don't

wanna traumatize you with what's about to happen.

- You see, she's fucking crazy!

You, go restrain her.

- Fuck you, Blanche!

We've worked together for a year,

you don't even know my name.

- Yes, I do!

- What is it?

- Mike.

- Not even close.

- Shit, whatever!

Someone go hold her, we can hold her for the cops!

Oh, come on, you fucking cowards!

Oh, if we live through this, you're all so fired!

- [Mildred] Hi, Tim.

- Hi, Mildred.

You doing okay?

- Yeah, I'm okay.

Oh, by the way, I finished off your TPS report

and submitted it for you.

- Thanks, Mildred.

- Come on, guys.

Teamwork, this is why we're here.

This is a test, us against Mildred.

- Well, let's be a team, guys.

Let's get the hell outta here.

- You can't just let her kill me.

I'm a part of the team too.

I'll give you all raises.

I'll bump you up a buck an hour.

A buck 75?

- Fuck you, Blanche!

(footsteps thudding)

- Bye, guys.

Hope you had fun and learned lots about team building.

(fist smashing) (Mildred groaning)

- You didn't think I was gonna go down

without a fight, did ya?

(Mildred laughs)

I should have known you were a psycho bitch.

Nobody that ugly could be normal.

- Hey, I'm beautiful on the inside.

- Are you really?

- No, not really.

(boot thumps) (Blanche groans)

(foot thumps) (Mildred groans)

Shit that hurts!

- Come on, when was the last time you actually used yours?

(Mildred grunts)

(fist slams)

- Not, the nose! (knee thumps)

(fists pounding)

(bodies thudding)

(Blanche groaning) (Mildred laughing)

(Mildred groaning)

(Mildred grunting)

That was supposed to look cooler.

(women grunting)

(Blanche groaning) (Mildred laughing)

(women grunting)

(Mildred choking) (Mildred coughing)

- I've dreamed of doing this since your huge nosed

ugly ass face started at the company!

(Mildred groaning)

No!

(boot thudding)

Look, Mildred, I realize now that I shouldn't

have treated you the way I did.

I shouldn't have been such a bitch.

Maybe it was the way I was raised.

My dad left when I was really young,

and my mom was an alcoholic.

It was never personal with you.

We all can't be born with good looks.

I was just born lucky.

I won the genetic lottery, I don't know. (chuckles)

It doesn't mean that you're a bad person.

Look, look, I know you're having

some really tough times right now,

but I also know that you can be compassionate.

So what do you say, do you think you can find it

in your heart to forego your revenge?

I think we can get past this!

Maybe we can be friends, I need some new ones anyway.

- I'm not killing you for revenge, Blanche.

I'm killing you for fun.

(garden shears squelch) (Blanche screams)

(shears clank)

(Blanche screaming) (Mildred laughing)

(entrails squishing) (Blanche screaming)

94, 95, 90, oh, sweet!

Beat my grade six record.

Hello, this is Mildred.

We have a mutual friend, Danger Dan.

He told me you could help me out with a new nose.

Yeah, I can be there in two hours.

Did he tell you how bad it was?

Yeah, I hope so too.

Okay, I'll see you soon, thanks.

(tires rumbling)

- And remember, don't not just go for it.

- I won't!

(upbeat soft rock music)

(crickets chirping)

(footsteps thudding)

(hand knocking)

- Come in, let's take a look.

(door bangs)

(crickets chirping) (birds cawing)

(shoes clacking)

Mildred, you look fine, here!

- No, no, no, no, no, I can't do it.

- [Doctor] Here.

- Oh my God.

Oh my God, thank you so much.

- Oh, you're most welcome, Mildred.

(suspenseful music)

That's just my son.

He's a great boy, trustworthy.

You should meet him.

(birds chirping)

(door sliding)

- Felix!

- Mildred?

What are you doing here?

- Your mother fixed my face.

- Oh, I'm so sorry, where are my manners?

This is my sister, Mary.

- Oh, sister.

Yes, of course.

Nice to meet you.

Well, do you like my face?

I'm beautiful now.

- Mildred, you were always beautiful.

(gentle instrumental music)

(motorcycle engine revving)

(motorcycle engine humming)

♪ Dangle your feet off the edge of a bridge ♪

♪ Wonder what it would be like if you just let go ♪

♪ Wiggle your toes, swing your legs back and forth ♪

♪ Take a dance, take a chance while you're on the edge ♪

♪ 'Cause you won't ever go ♪

♪ You might be casually suicidal though ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ And people may offer advice ♪

♪ They think they're being so damn nice ♪

♪ Saying it's not worth the price and they're right ♪

♪ But the fight doesn't end right then and there ♪

♪ You're still casually suicidal ♪

♪ It's one big cycle you can't ignore ♪

♪ You're still casually suicidal ♪

♪ You've always been and will be ever more ♪

♪ And are they really surprised ♪

♪ I think we've all been there a couple of times ♪

♪ We all know, we all know ♪

♪ We all can go, we all can go casually suicidal ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Take a nap in the middle of the street ♪

♪ Count your sheep as you fall asleep on the cool concrete ♪

♪ Kick off your socks, have your on the till foxtrot ♪

♪ Step in time on the center line ♪

♪ Feel the night fly by ♪

♪ 'Cause you won't ever go, no, no ♪

♪ You might be casually suicidal though ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ And people may freak out ♪

♪ They don't know what ♪