All language subtitles for 03 The Pink Panther Inspector Clouseau - 1968 English

03 Inspector Clouseau -
Comedy 1968 English

[ FUSE SPUTTERING ]

[ PINGING ]

[ SHATTERING ]

[ SHATTERING ]

Police Commissioner Braithwaite,

what information can you give us?
I've no comment.

Sir Charles,
is the same gang that

pulled off the Great
Train Robbery involved?

I'm afraid that's confidential.

Sir Charles, could you tell
us what came of your meeting

with the Prime Minister
this morning?

All I can say
at this time is that

we are bringing in someone to take
command of the entire investigation.

An outsider?

Well, uh, yes.

Isn't that rather a slap in
the face for Scotland Yard?

In an emergency of
this magnitude,

one must overlook
such minor considerations

as to whose nose is out
of joint, mustn't one?

Even if it is one's own nose?

I don't think that calls for any comment.
Are you likely to...

When do you expect this man
to arrive, Sir Charles?

[ THUNDER CLAPPING ]

[ INAUDIBLE ]

[ BANGING ]

[ WOMAN ON P.A. CHATTERING ]

[ PLANE ENGINES ROARING ]

[ JET ENGINE ROARING ]

[ THUDDING ]

WOMAN ON P.A.:
On flight number 3R-523...

WEAVER: Inspector Clouseau? Shh!

I'm Weaver,
your opposite number.

Oh, that's Shockley.
He's Special Branch.

Hello, sir. I'm delighted...
Keep your voice down.

You know I'm here
on a secret mission.

Uh, yes. Well, if you'd like to
come along, we have a car waiting.

But I've not yet
cleared customs.

Oh, that's all
been arranged, sir.

Standard VIP treatment, you see.

Ah, but I'm no vip,

and therefore, I must
go through customs

like any humble French tourist.

Honestly, sir, I assure you...

That is my cover, you fool.

[ SLAPPING ]

Have you anything to declare?

No, no. I'm just you average,
typical French tourist

on a humble English vacation.

Good. Can I see your passport

and your debarking ticket?

Yes, of course.

[ ANNOUNCER ON P.A. CHATTERING ]

CLOUSEAU: I have it right here.
I never travel without...

Come along now, sir.

But you have not yet
seen my passport!

I... I have this...

Hey, look at this!

Don't... Don't grab me
by the right arm like that!

At the outset, Clouseau,

I think it only fair to...

I think it only fair to say that
your being brought in on this case

was not my idea.

You are too modest.

The Prime Minister insisted.

Personally, as head of the British
law-enforcing establishment,

I can only regard
your presence here

as a vote of no confidence.

And I, on the other hand,
am extremely confident.

Not overconfident, I trust.

No, no, no.

Not, uh, not overconfident.

Good. I'm glad to hear that.

We know that the 2.5
million pounds stolen...

stolen in our
Great Train Robbery

are being used
as operating capital

for a far more ambitious crime.

Bigger than 2.5 million?

Well, we seem to be dealing
with very greedy people.

Greedy and ruthless.

You are the fourth to be placed
in charge of this operation

in the past six months.

Well, it seems that Scotland Yard
has had a run of unfortunate luck,

but...
Despite our unfortunate luck,

we have managed to apprehend
a dozen of the gang,

including three
of their top men.

I'll show you.

[ CLOCK CHIMING ]

You may well be acquainted
with some of them.

[ SCREEN WHIRRING ]

As you know, only yesterday

two of these men
escaped from prison.

One of them was Frenchy Lebec.

CLOUSEAU: It's a familiar face.

The other was Steve Frey.

And the one still remaining
in custody is Addison Steele.

Perhaps I should question that
pleasant-looking Mr. Steele.

Don't be fooled by his looks.

He can spot a detective
a mile away.

[ SCREEN WHIRRING ]

But then, you don't look much
like a detective, do you?

I try not to.

Good.

I don't have to tell you
that in our line of work

anonymity is a virtue.

Any fool knows that.

[ MUTTERING ] Anonymity
is next to cleanliness

and I don't have to tell
you what that's next to.

No, but I have to tell you that
we have recently discovered

a security leak in
this very department.

In this very department?

That is why you are here.

The thought was,

since you couldn't be the
traitor, we can trust you.

But you...

But you must trust no one.

The viper in our bosom
could be anyone.

Anyone. I suspect everyone.

Good. You will report
only to me.

And what makes you think
I trust you?

[ CAR APPROACHING ]

[ HAIR DRYER BLOWING ]

Be right with you.

Don't rush.

[ SWITCHES HAIR DRYER OFF ]

Don't worry. I never do.

[ SWITCHES HAIR DRYER ON AGAIN ]

There.

Now,

like I said, if you just
comb it out every morning,

you'll keep the line and still
have plenty of movement

round the face, you see what I...
Hmm.

I said I'll be right with you.

And I said, "Don't rush."

And I said, "Don't worry.
I never do."

Oh, that's excellent, Steele.

Excellent,
I like that very much.

[ CHUCKLES ]

You know, you missed
your vocation.

STEELE: Oh, glad you like it.

You do a marvellous job.

You call that a prison haircut?

Special privileges.

You might say the, um, warden
and I are as thick as thieves.

And this favouritism, how
long has it been going on?

For 23 years.

You must have murdered
your paediatrician.

Oh, they would never
have caught me

but for my fingerprints
on the water pistol.

I shall let that pass

since you cannot possibly know

whose leg it is
that you are pushing.

[ KNOCKING ]

Do look after him, won't
you, Steele, old dear?

I doubt if your razor's
sharp enough

for the famous
Inspector Clouseau.

Smart young criminal.

He's the warden's son.
Quite a joker.

[ MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY ]

CLOUSEAU: The warden's son, eh?

He should have known better
than to reveal my identity

to a hardened criminal like you.

We hardened criminals follow your
career with great interest, Inspector.

Oh, ho, ho. As I yours.

Sit down, I'll give you a shave.

And now, since we are
becoming so chummy,

perhaps you will tell me everything you
know about the Great Train Robbery, eh?

I don't know nothing.

He who don't know nothing

knows something, eh?

Perhaps even how to
mastermind a robbery, eh?

Well, if you want to know about
the mastermind, don't talk to me.

Talk to Johnny Rainbow.

And, uh, who is this
Johnny Rainbow?

Well, it's just
a code name really.

None of us ever
met him face-to-face.

[ STEAM HISSING ] Now, uh,

this is going to be
a little bit hot.

I don't mind.
In the words of Robespierre...

[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]

[ MUMBLING ] Just take a few deep breaths.
That's it.

Breathe in very deeply.

[ MUMBLING ] A bit more.

That's right. There you go.

♪ [ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO ] ♪

[ VOLUME INCREASING ]

Well, I think you'll be pleased with
these items that you requested.

Our chaps took some liberties
with your specifications

that I think will delight you.

Ah, the smoke-signal matches
that you asked for.

Oh, yes, wonderful thing
to have them.

Now, this you must
watch very carefully.

Looks like an ordinary
cigarette lighter

but it is, in fact, a high-intensity
laser-beam transmitter.

Ingenious.

Oh, yes. Just what
the doctor ordered. There.

My, my.

And what kind of
a thing is this?

That's my razor.

Normal cigarette case.

Here we have
a high-frequency transmitter

with built-in ADC.

On the other side, an enclosed
microphone and speaker.

Wonderful thing.

With a self-starting
tape recorder.

Say something. Uh?

Just say something.

What? Anything you like.

No, I... No, no, I have a
phobia for recording devices.

No, no, please.
I just want to test...

I really don't like to use them.

Why? I mean, I'm only just trying to
show you the machine, that's all.

No, I get embarrassed, if...

No, don't be embarrassed. Just
say anything you like. Just...

♪ Paris in the springs ♪

♪ A wonder to behold ♪

♪ The streets are lined ♪
♪ with gold in Paris ♪

♪ My love jump in the Seine ♪

♪ And it drove me insane ♪

♪ If I may be so bold ♪

It's a song.

Yes, thank you. Very good.

I'll just wind it back.

[ TAPE RECORDER REWINDING ]

♪ CLOUSEAU ON TAPE: ♪
♪ Paris in the springs ♪

♪ A wonder to behold ♪

[ TAPE SQUEAKING ]

♪ ...gold in Paris ♪

♪ [ DISTORTED ] My love jump in the ♪
♪ Seine, And it drove me insane ♪

♪ If I may be so bold ♪

Yes, not too much bass at all.

It's just some little technical
fault, I'm sure you'll sort it out.

Uh... Oh, yes, yes.
There was something. Uh...

I want you to take
a good look at me.

Have you noticed anything
peculiar about me?

No, but then you can't always
tell by looking, can you?

I was referring to my dress.

Your dress.

Now, look. Here, catch.

Now, you are armed, correct?
You're correct.

Let us assume that
you want to arrest me.

Very well. You are under arrest.

Oh no, no, no, no.
See, play the...

Look, let us assume
that I resist.

Well, then you would be
a very foolish fellow

because I'm a deadly shot
with a pistol.

Yes, but how long
would it take you

to reach your pistol? Too late!

[ BULLETS WHISTLING ]

You'd be a dead man, Clouseau.

Remarkable!

No hands. But...

Observe my belt. You see?

Three .22s. Miniature missiles.

Fires with deadly accuracy up
to a distance of 500 yards.

What a wonderful,
wonderful, uh, thing.

Yes.

Not bad is it, eh?

Quite ingenious.

It's, uh, all done
with the stomach muscles.

Do you, uh... Do you think
you'll get the hang of it?

Yes, oh, yes. I have a photographic
memory, you know. Allow me.

[ CLOUSEAU EXCLAIMING ]

[ LIGHTER ZAPPING ]

[ DOUSING ]

[ SCREAMS ]

Look out for your pipe!

[ AIR HISSING ]

Oh! That's... That's some
wonderful, wonderful underwear.

In the event that anyone should ever
want to throw you into the sea.

Yes, but you know,
how do you, uh...

How do you have it laundered?

Well, I should recommend dry
cleaning, you stupid...

[ LAUGHING ]

Well, with your equipment
and my finesse,

we're going to give those crooks
a run for their money, eh?

Our money! Our money.

Yes, well, of course.
You're right.

Yes, I'm always right.
It is a problem with me.

Yes, strange. I too...

I too have that problem.

Yes, we have a lot in common.
Oh, yes.

Our lives, in the game
of crime and punishment,

are bound like lovers
inextricably together.

It's a poem.

You ought to meet my wife.

Your queen did not bring me
here to socialize.

I didn't mean my queen,
I meant my wife.

I didn't mean your queen,
I meant your wife.

You don't know my wife.

But I'd be delighted.
Shall we say 8:00?

Dinner? Charmed, I'm sure.

There he is.
Let us run him down now.

Don't be stupid, Frenchy.

In front of Weaver's house?

[ MUTTERING ]

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

Oh, good evening. You must be
the Inspector. Good evening.

Yes, I must. I am Lisa.

Ah, well, then you must
call me Jacques.

And I hope you don't mind
your husband inviting me here

on such short notice.
Oh, I'm not Mrs. Weaver.

I'm Lisa Morell.
Haven't you been told?

No, but, uh,

then I like to
find out for myself.

I must see you alone.

Yes, well, that's the only way.

But this isn't the proper place.

Right, well, then let's run away

till before they know
that I'm here.

[ WHISPERING ] No, I can't leave now.
Trust me.

Yes, I do. I trust you
to the ends of the earth.

Ah.

[ CHUCKLES ]

Come on. Thank you, thank you.

Well, I see you've met Lisa.

Yes, I have, you sly dog, you.

She's our au pair.
Can I have your coat?

Yes, of course.

What will you have to drink?
Small sherry, perhaps.

Lisa, would you get the Inspector
a glass of small sherry?

If that's an example
of your maid,

then your wife must
really be something.

[ WHISTLES ]

MRS. WEAVER: Ooh!

Could this lovely creature
be your famous French friend?

Oh, Weaver, how could you?

Well, I haven't,
old boy, not in years.

What are you
muttering about, Weaver?

Just shop talk, my love.
Just shop talk.

Inspector, may I
present my wife.

Yes, what a delightful surprise.

My wife's a mite Scottish.

Ah, yes, lovely people, uh...

Robert Burns, cashmere sweaters,
the Loch Ness monster.

What's for dinner, dearie?
Nothing.

Are you out of your tiny mind?

It's the opening of
the Highland Fair tonight

and I am the President of the
Daughters of the Heath and Heather.

But what about our guest?
I promised him dinner.

No, no, don' t trouble yourself.

I'm sure Miss Lisa
could fix me a bite.

Oh, yes. I can do
a very good omelet.

Oh, no! They have gorgeous
goodies at the fair.

Come along now. I will not hear
another word about it. Come along.

♪ [ BAGPIPES PLAYING ] ♪

[ PEOPLE CHATTERING ]

[ PEOPLE CLAPPING ]

♪ [ LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING ] ♪

[ PEOPLE WHOOPING ]

[ EXCLAIMING ]

D-Down! Okay, okay,
down on the ground.

[ CLOUSEAU GRUNTING ]

MAN ON P.A.: May I have
your attention, please?

It's time to announce
the grand door prize.

The door prize.

The winning ticket
is number 175.

I repeat, 175.

Who's the lucky winner?

Where's my ticket? I have it!

175. I have it!

[ FIRING ] I won the prize!

[ WOMEN SHRIEKING ]

[ MRS. WEAVER EXCLAIMING ]

MRS. WEAVER: Oh!
Oh, good gracious me.

Shooting may be an everyday
occurrence to you,

but it's left me quite unstrung.

[ LAUGHING ] Don't, don't.

Don't touch my pudding.
And I suggest

that you go upstairs
and go to bed.

No, I've got a better idea.

I'll... I'll just get out
of my tweeds,

put on something loose, and you
pour me out a wee half of whiskey.

But that girl is going to
tell your husband.

Oh, if I know anything
about that wee soul,

she'll be sound asleep
in her bed.

And Weaver'll be
hours at the morgue,

filling in forms, etc. Oh, well.

I'll be down in two shakes
of a donkey's tail.

Don't rush.

Lisa?

Lisa?

[ WHISPERING ] Here I am.

Look. Look what I won at the fiesta.
A plum pudding.

I thought maybe you and I
could run away

and... and we share it together.

Something very important
has just come up.

I have to leave. Wait, wait.

I'm going to come with you.
No, you must stay here

and distract Mrs. Weaver.
It's important.

I can't... I can't stand Mrs. Weaver.
She drives me crazy.

I've waited all evening to be
here with you. And so have I.

MRS. WEAVER:
Don't be impatient, dear.

It'll not be long now.

[ GROANING ]

That's her. I really must go.

Take care. Yes.

[ SOBBING ]

Oh, you bad, wee boy.

Where's that drink you
were going to pour for me?

I looked all over for it. I can't
find any whiskey anywhere.

[ LAUGHING ]

Yeah, what an ingenious
place to keep liquor.

Oh, dear.

Here we are.

There we are.

That's it.

To us.

Well, it's time for me to take
my leave, dear lady. I...

[ PIANO KEYS BANGING ]

I must get my beauty rest.

[ MRS. WEAVER EXCLAIMING ]

Oh, the excitement.

The time has come...

[ KNOCKING ON DOOR ]
Why, you're shy.

Your husband.
You fool, you crazy idiot!

Get away! Good, good!

Are you Inspector Clouseau? Yes.

Commissioner Braithwaite
sent me to fetch you.

What took you so long?

Well, dear lady, it's been
a wonderful evening.

No. But don't rush.
My only regret is that

I can't stay around anymore.
C'est la vie.

That's a sick lady in there.

He's coming.

Inspector Clouseau, isn't it?

Leave it. Let's get out.

Clyde Hargreaves.
Blackpool Prison.

Oh, yes, the son of the warden.

The one with
the warped sense of humour.

And you still need a haircut.

I don't think you'll find many
laughs in there, Inspector.

There is a time for laughing
and a time for not laughing.

And this is not one of them.

Yes.

Yes.

[ MAN SNORING ]

What's that?
It's my plum pudding.

I won it at a picnic.

Yes, I heard about
your successful evening.

Weaver telephoned me from the
mortuary and told me all about it.

You know, well,
it was nothing, you know.

I just had the winning
ticket, that's all.

Mmm! I can't wait to take
a bite from this thing.

Well, never mind.
How do they make...

Never mind. How do they
make it such a round...

How do they... Clouseau, don't
worry about the plum pudding now.

From what I gather, you behaved
disgracefully this evening.

Drinking on duty, flirting
with woman after woman,

even reciting vulgar limericks.

Yes, well, life is not all
shoot-shoot, bang-bang, you know.

Nevertheless, you elected to
shoot a man tonight, didn't you?

Yes, I did.

Thereby revealing your identity.

You're correct.

Well, I'm afraid that
the way that you work

are not the ways that we
work here at Scotland Yard.

Well, of course not. Uh, that's why
you brought me from the Surete.

If you could
solve your own mess,

you wouldn't need me here,
would you?

Allow me.

[ SHRIEKS ] What the devil
do you think you're doing?

Braithwaite! Put it out.

Put it out, sir! Take it away!

[ EXCLAIMING ]

[ COUGHING ]

Where there's a will,
there's a way.

[ PEOPLE CHATTERING ]

I've nursed this bottle
since Dunkirk.

Now listen, Clouseau,
I've had enough of this.

You should never
have shot Frenchy Lebec.

You could have brought him
in for questioning

and then we might have gained
some valuable information.

But, oh, no, not you.

You have to go and get
yourself involved in some

idiotic Highland shenanigan.

It's utterly disgusting!
Do you hear me?

I don't talk to you
when you're like this.

I'll come back
when we can discuss this

in an atmosphere of mutual
respect and understanding.

Good evening.

[ WHISTLING ]

CLOUSEAU: Will you take
some notes, please?

A: What are the facts
at our disposal?

B: Let's get down to
the facts at our disposal.

C: We know that
there has been a robbery.

D: We know also
that certain people

are going to
commit this robbery.

I think we can
safely assume that.

We know that there are people
going to commit this robbery,

we know also that they
must get out of the way

the people who are
trying to prevent them

from committing this robbery.

And that would be you. Me?

What do they want to get me for?

Well, they have already made
one attempt on your life.

So they have.

Hmm, well.

You see how much we have,
uh, learned already?

Gosh, that's marvellous! Well, let's...
let's press on on those lines.

Yes, let's press on that line.

Since they've already made
an attempt at my life,

and it has come to
no fruition whatsoever,

Yes? ...They will try

a more parabolic approach.

They will attack me on the bias.
Am I correct in this?

On the bias? On the bias,

which means that
they will not attack me,

but will attack something that I love
more than anything else in the world.

And what...

What do I love more than anything
else in the world? What does one...

[ EXCLAIMING ] What?

Food! I love food more than
anything in the world.

So they will not attack me,
they will attack...

Devils!
They are going to get me!

My plum... My plum pudding!

[ SIRENS WAILING ]

[ POLICE RADIO CHATTERING ]

MAN: Sergeant,
get this gun over here.

[ MEN CHATTERING ]

[ CLANGING ]

Wait. Wait for me.
Wait. I... I have to...

[ POLICE RADIO CHATTERING ]

What's all the excitement
about, eh?

Here, let me
help you, Inspector.

What are you doing?

I'm saving your lives,
you fools!

And you, get with your... with
your loved ones and family.

And... And all the rest of you,

clear out of this
neck of the woods!

[ CHATTERING ]

And don't... don't break anything
unless it's absolutely...

Get back! I told...

I don't know how many times.

And, I'm sorry, I say,
I... I don't want you in...

[ GLASS SHATTERING ]

in this vicinity.
And I... That's what I'm...

Aha! I have found the bomb!

It is still ticking.

I have drowned the bomb.

It is no longer ticking.

There's no bomb in there.
There must be.

When... When I held it up to my
ears, I distinctly heard ticking.

Well, I-it could
have been your wristwatch.

Ah!

It must not be waterproof.

BRAITHWAITE: It's just
not going to work, you know.

No, not any more, it's not. It's
good of you to concern yourself

but I can always
buy another watch.

I wasn't talking about that.

That is, if we...
If we last that long.

Come on, give it up. Shh!

Aha. Aha!

A deadly transistorized
mini-bomb!

Looks like one of those
cyanide capsules.

Yes, yes. A cyanide capsule.

Well, somebody certainly seems
determined to see you dead.

Yes, but who?

Well, I mean, it could be anyone at
that blasted Scottish hoopdeedoo.

Yes, but I didn't let this out
of my sight till I got here

to your club.

Weren't there any clues
on Frenchy Lebec

that we might be able to use?

These matches which I found
in his coat pocket.

Let me see those.

Bring that man in
for questioning.

You shot him last night.

Oh, yes. The Tudor Arms?

Inspector, perhaps we ought
to have a look at this place.

No sooner said than done.

Hello, can I help you?

Thank you for stopping.

Well, what seems
to be the trouble?

It's my new car.
I don't know what to do.

Do you know something
about machinery?

I don't know something
about machinery.

I know everything
about machinery.

Well, what do
you suppose this does?

Oh, yes. Well, you see,

when this is connected
in the right place,

it makes your auto-mobile move.

Now, it either goes one of two places.
Over here,

or over here.

[ GASPS ]

Well,

that takes care of that.

Did you fix it?
No, it's completely ruined.

Can I take you somewhere?

I suppose I ought
to make a phone call.

Now, the nearest place
would be The Tudor Arms.

Kismet. That's exactly
where I'm going,

Good.

And what brings my favourite niece
out in the dead of the night?

What do you think happened, Uncle?
My new car broke down.

Oh, what a pity.

Don't just stand there grinning.
Get us some food.

What would you like?

Oh, uh, just a light snack
for two.

Some smoked salmon, perhaps,
a little assorted pate,

a little roast beef, I think.

Then, a few vegetables,
uh, petit pois, carrots.

Then some glace,

a little chocolate cake perhaps, and...
I'll leave it all up to you.

Will you have it
here or upstairs?

Upstairs sounds cosier,
doesn't it?

Good.

Charming room, isn't it?

You have been here
many times before.

What gives you that idea?

The innkeeper,
you greeted him as Uncle.

Yes, he's married to my aunt.

It's all very suspicious.

I think perhaps I should

go downstairs
and have another look.

Oh, don't let me stop you.

Are you trying to keep a
policeman from his duty?

Don't you want to kiss me?

Whether or not I wish to kiss
you is beside the point.

The thing is, I'm here
on a secret mission

that very few people know about

and I am not going to be
dissuaded from my duty.

[ CLOUSEAU MOANING ]

Oh. Let me have a breather.

All right.

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

[ SIGHING LOUDLY ]

What do you think you're doing?

I never want to
forget this evening.

No, put that camera down.

We'll have none
of that, my dear.

You don't take a picture of me
in this dishevelled condition.

There, now you can
take a picture.

Oh, look at that big beauty.

Yeah. I love to have
my picture taken.

Right. I would be the
first one to admit that.

Hold it. You want the
same thing like that?

That's it. Lovely.
Profile. About face.

Yes. And now, a bit serious.

You want a half-smile.

A half-smile
from the other side.

Mmm-hmm.

Now, all-the-teeth-smile.
I'll give you one of that.

And now, I'll give you
an action photograph.

Mmm-hmm.

And of one caught in
the act of surprise.

Next pose. No, you missed that.

Take it once more. I've got it.

That's the kind I like. Next.

Lovely.

[ CAMERA CLICKING ]

That ought to do it. Yes.

Lovely. Very good. Now
listen, incidentally,

if you're making those up, I wouldn't
mind having a few of each myself.

I'd like to see
the proofs first and then

I'm... I'm sure I will
order some from you.

I've got an idea. Yes?

So far I've only got face
shots of you. Right.

How about full figure?
Fine, all right.

I'll be more than happy...

♪ Oh, it grabs you ♪
♪ by the heart ♪

♪ You never fall apart ♪
♪ in Paris ♪

♪ We argued for an hour ♪

♪ She jumped off ♪
♪ the Eiffel Tower ♪

♪ That wasn't very smart ♪

♪ Paris in the spring ♪

♪ The world is my... ♪

[ EXCLAIMS ]

[ MUMBLING ]

Hi.

Uh, I don't mean to intrude

but have you seen
anything of a girl?

Uh, not...

Not of course to imply that
that's not what you are.

I didn't mean to imply

that, uh... Indeed, not only
are you a girl but, uh,

yes, indeed, a very
extraordinary one at that.

Yes, uh...

I don't suppose that

you've seen anything of a tall
brunette in a short slip, have you?

No.

Ah.

Yes, well.

C'est la vie.

Beautiful.

You did a good job.

[ CRUNCHING ]

Oh, I love the way you eat.

Like a jungle animal.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ WHOOPING ]

Oyster dressing
makes me passionate.

Mmm?

When I eat it?

Especially when you eat it.

If I didn't have this heartburn,
would you see something.

I've got something for
your heartburn. Yes?

Yes, a little something.

If you just lie there,
we will, uh, soon help you.

How's that? Ah, that's nice.

Is that better? Ah, very good.

Mmm? Better?

Flying over Ecuador with you.
That's better, is it?

On the back of a giant moth...

You're having a good trip,
are you?

Yes, it reminds me of

in the barbershop.
Ah, that's better.

They're doing it again.
You'll soon be well.

[ CLOUSEAU MUMBLING ]

How do you feel now?

CLOUSEAU: Help.

Take that.

Towel.

All right. Okay?

Now come on,
pat it well into the face.

INNKEEPER: Don't miss anything.

This stuff hardens very quickly.

[ TAPPING ]

That should do it.

Now, easy.

[ MOANING ]

It's loose.

[ MUMBLING ] It's loose.
The bull is loose,

[ GRUNTING ]

I don't need a picador,

I'll do it by myself.

I'm going to kill the bull
by myself.

Give me... Give me my sword

and I will become the...

Here it comes.
It's free. It's loose.

[ GIRLS CHEERING ]

You're magnificent.

Ole! Come on.

[ ALL CHATTERING ]

[ BED CRASHING ]

I can't believe it.
It's true, sir.

He claims it was all part
of his master plan.

Well, I'm sick
of his master plan.

And I suppose the collapsing
bed was part of our equipment.

Oh, oh, no, sir. He... He said
he brought that with him.

I don't want to hear
any more about this idiot.

I... I don't claim to hold with
the man's methods either, sir,

but you... you... you must
admit he does get results.

I prefer the sort of results that
culminate in suspects standing trial.

I think I may have the
answer to your problem, sir.

What, drop him from the case?

You know perfectly well we can't afford
to offend the French government.

No, I didn't mean that, sir.
Well, what did you mean?

Well, I think we ought
to have a man on the spot

speaking the language.

What language? French, sir.

Mmm? In France.

True, sir.

The remains of Frenchy Lebec are being sent
back to France. To Le Havre for burial.

BRAITHWAITE: Remains of who?

WEAVER: Frenchy Lebec,

the man Clouseau shot
at the Highland Fling.

Oh.

Lebec's gang's bound
to be at the funeral

and if Clouseau happened
to be there as well,

there's no knowing what information
he might turn up with.

[ PEOPLE SPEAKING FRENCH ]

Follow that hearse.

Follow it yourself.

Get out!

[ CLOUSEAU MUMBLING ]

How much... How much for
your... for your motorbike?

What? I'll buy it.

The bike. I'll buy it.

Oh, oui. I'll give
you this much.

Give it a good kick, huh?
Yes, yes.

That's what I'm...
I'm going to...

[ ENGINE SPUTTERING ]

[ HORN HONKING ]

[ MAN EXCLAIMING IN FRENCH ]

[ DOG BARKING ]

[ YELLING ]

Stop, thief!

Did you see that?
He stole my motorcycle.

Oh, nowadays,
you can't trust anybody.

Gendarmes!

[ YELLING IN FRENCH ]

[ BLOWING WHISTLE ]

♪ [ GIRLS SINGING IN FRENCH ] ♪

Special report
to Commissioner Braithwaite

from Inspector Jacques Clouseau.

Good morning. I am sitting in
a cart full of fresh fish.

I'm going to follow the hearse.

I'm leaving...

[ BLOWING WHISTLE ]

[ ARGUING IN FRENCH ]

To find the body...

To find the final resting place.

I'm going.

♪ [ BAND PLAYING ] ♪

[ SIREN WAILING ]

[ YELLING IN FRENCH ]

I can't think...

[ HORN HONKING ]

Eh! Idiot!

[ HENS CLUCKING ]

[ YELLING IN FRENCH ]

[ BELLS TOLLING ]

[ PRIEST CHATTERING IN FRENCH ]

Here I am in the graveyard

hiding behind a small shrub.

I am now moving into
an advance position

where I can
continue my reconnaissance.

This is Jacques Clouseau
signing off.

[ PRIEST SPEAKING FRENCH ]

[ THUDDING ]

[ TAPE RECORDER REWINDING ]

♪ [ CHILDREN SINGING IN FRENCH ] ♪

Oh!

[ BOTH GRUNTING ]

Get up. Get up. Get off.

My hat.

[ GRUNTS ] There.

Oh, no.

[ BOY MUTTERING ]

Stand there. Put your hands.

Yeah, like that.

[ GROANS ]

[ PRIEST CONTINUES TALKING ]

[ TAPE RECORDER REWINDING ]

♪ [ MARCHING BAND ♪
♪ PLAYING ON RECORDER ] ♪

[ TAPE RECORDER REWINDING ]

[ SIREN BLARING ]

[ ALL CLAMORING ]

[ RECORDER CHATTERING ]

[ GUN FIRING ON TAPE RECORDER ]

[ MOTORCYCLE ACCELERATING
ON TAPE RECORDER ]

[ TAPE RECORDER REWINDING ]

There he is!

That's the man
who stole my motorbike.

Come back! Come back here!

Hey, you! Come back!

Come back!

Hey!

LISA: Get into the car,
Jacques. Quick!

Hold on. Can you make it?

Get into the front seat.

Yes, I'm... I'm trying to.

♪ [ MARCHING BAND PLAYING ♪
♪ ON TAPE RECORDER ] ♪

[ YELLING ]

[ BELLS TOLLING ]

Some policewoman.

[ CHUCKLES ]

Listen, if you don't believe
that I'm a member of Interpol,

go in there and ask them.

You, a member of
the international police?

Don't make me laugh.

I... I arrest you
in the name of the Queen.

This crook is
Lieutenant Morell of Interpol.

Who the devil are you?

I am Inspector Jacques Clouseau

on detached service to Scotland
Yard from the Paris Surete.

And who are you to tell me
that this crook is no crook?

Don't raise your voice.

I am Prefect of Police Geffrion

and your superior.

Mmm...

Hmm.

Well, it seems, uh, that
I owe you an apology

and, uh, and you too,
Lieutenant.

Oh, it's quite all right.

And so, now that Scotland Yard and
Interpol have made their peace,

perhaps a hard-working prefect

can eat his meal in peace, huh?

Right. You've got everything?

Yes. Mmm-hmm.

Now, let's go over it again.

All right.

This is the headset.

Yes. You put it on and
you listen through it.

Yes, put it on.

This is the bow,
with the microphone lead.

Yes. See? There.

Oh, yes.

This is the arrow with
the microphone. Right.

Now you have
to plug that in there

and you should try and get the arrow
through that window up there.

That's where they all are.

[ CHATTERING ]

[ CHATTERING ]

with a queen. Pair of aces.

Tonight, we're gonna knock
over the Dodge City Bank.

RINGO: Dodge City Bank?
You must be kidding!

I got a plan.

In 15 minutes, Lefty and Big Red

walk into the hotel and start
shooting up the place.

10. Pair of 10s.

[ CHATTERING ]

MAN: I'm only worried
about one thing.

I don't trust that
Ringo or his partner.

BLACKIE: Don't worry about that now.
Listen to what I'm saying.

Meanwhile me
and one-eyed Charlie

slip into the back end
of the bank.

What about the half-breed?

Don't worry
about the half-breed.

LAZY: Yeah, don't worry
about the half-breed.

Right.

[ KNOCKING ON DOOR ]

Who's there?
CLYDE: Open up, please.

Not until you show me
your mother.

Okay.

Clouseau. STEELE: Have him!

[ CLOUSEAU GRUNTING ]

Please give me some air.

[ WHISTLING ]

Mon dieu!

What's this?

Hello, Steele.

It's the warden's son.

Man, you was a dead ringer
for Clouseau.

Yes, just goes to show what one can
do with five bobs worth of plastic,

a few photographs and the take
from The Great Train Robbery.

You're Johnny Rainbow.

BOMBER: Johnny Rainbow!

How's it, fellas?

RINGO: But when we blow the vault,
it's gonna wake up the whole town.

BLACKIE: We don't
blow the vault, stupid.

I've bribed the bank president.

Great thinking!

[ ALL LAUGHING ]

Bank robbery!

You all set now? Right.

Got the plan? Right.

Now you two get on the roof

and you drill the first law-man you
see coming across to the bank.

Right.

Hold it just a minute now.
Well, what is it?

Now, you all know...

Don't worry about
the half-breed, Ringo.

LAZY: Yeah, Ringo, don't
worry about the half-breed.

Switzerland is
the bank vault of the world,

and on Saturday afternoon,
we're going to rob

the biggest banks in 13 of the
biggest cities in the country.

And who gets blamed?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau.

How are you going to be at 13
different banks all at the same time?

[ CHUCKLES ]

I'm not. You are.

CLYDE: Be my guest, Steele.

Come on, that's great.

How do the eyes look?

Perfect, even from here.

It's gonna work, Clyde.

I do not like this joke.

Count me out. What do you mean?

Me, too. It's dodgy.

No hard feelings, huh?

No, as a matter of fact, I
need a couple of bright boys

to do another little job for me.

Clouseau.

To kill Clouseau
will be my pleasure.

But our ruin.

Now, look. Listen.
Once we've made the haul,

I want Clouseau running around

trying to explain his innocence
to all those eyewitnesses.

No, my friend,
do not kill Clouseau.

Kidnap him.

CLOUSEAU: And then
while you and your...

And your Cossacks
are holding me prisoner,

Ringo and One-Eye and the Half-breed
are... are robbing the bank.

And Lefty and what's-his-name
are... are... are... are

shooting up the hotel lobby.

And the one
with the squeaky voice,

the one with the squeaky
voice is up on the roof

waiting to shoot the first
law-man that rides into town.

Are you getting all this down?

I think so. Yes, get
it, push it down.

And... and the bank president
is in on it, too.

Only the bank president? Yes.

Not the Mayor? No.

Or Brigitte Bardot?

No. Not Brigitte Bardot.
Out! Out! Throw him out!

And wait! The...
Ringo the breed, the Half...

CLOUSEAU: Ow! Ow!

Police brutality!

Oh, Jacques.

If you'd been with me
at the police station,

maybe those fools
would have believed me.

Oh, I knew you'd want someone
to watch the bank.

They will not start
until the square is cleared.

I do hope we won't have to wait too long.
I'm so cold.

Yes. It is cold.

Come, let's go home.

[ CHUCKLING ]
Hey, what about the crooks?

The crooks never sleep
and neither does Clouseau.

[ CHUCKLING ]

[ CAT MEOWING ]

[ CAT MEOWS AGAIN ]

[ DOG BARKING ]

That will teach you
to sneak up on me.

[ TRASHCANS CRASHING ]

[ GRUNTING ]

[ GROANING ]

WEAVER: All right, Stockton,
come on.

Over to the wall. Go on.

Turn around.

Hands up high.

All right, turn around.

Drop your hands now.

Hey, what's up, Weaver?

[ STOCKTON GRUNTING ]

[ GUN FIRING ]

[ TRAIN HORN BLOWING ]

CLOUSEAU: I don't
want praise, uh...

At all times,
I always do my best.

Anyway, Commissioner Braithwaite

extends his
personal congratulations.

Yesterday for killing one
crook, I am reprimanded.

Today for killing two,
I'm complimented.

Tell Commissioner Braithwaite
to make up his mind.

On behalf of the Paris Surete,

allow me also to congratulate you.
It was marvellous.

[ TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING ]

Now, Clouseau, you're sure
you've got the rail ticket? Yes.

And the rest of the papers,
et cetera,

we found on
the dead man last night?

Good.

[ MAN ON P.A. ANNOUNCING
IN FRENCH ]

Well, when you get to Zurich,

if you run into more
than you can handle, uh...

Up to now, I think I've done
pretty well on my own, don't you?

Yeah, see you. Yes.

Au revoir, Clouseau. Au revoir.

You are an ornament to France.

Merci.

[ WHISTLE BLOWING ]

Oh, don't forget the business
of Ringo and the Half-breed.

Clouseau, your train!
Your train!

[ TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING ]

Do you play jacks?

David can't get
past his threesies.

WOMAN: Don't bother
the nice man, Nicole.

The nice man is not bothered.

[ BELL RINGING ]

I want to go to the toilet.

That's nice.

I want to go to the toilet.

Excuse me.

He wants to go to the toilet.

Come on, David.

[ GROANS ]

WOMAN: Next year,
I'm staying at home

and Daddy can
take you on holiday.

I can do ladies
in the washhouse.

Hmm.

Of course you'd have
to start out with babies.

Chicken in the basket.

Time for lunch, Nicole. But
I was showing Uncle Jacques

cherries in the basket.

Nicole.

Goodbye, Uncle Jacques. Ah, yes, goodbye.
Have a good time.

[ MUTTERING ]

Seven in the...

Feathers in the horse.

Duck in the soup.

Weaver, what are...
What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? Well, I thought
it was an opportunity of having

a little holiday
without my missus.

You've got a point there. Yeah.

As long as you're not here
to meddle in my case.

Oh, no, no,
wouldn't dream of it.

Would you care to
join me in an aperitif?

Surely, thank you.

[ BELL BUZZING ]

Um...

Training for
the Olympics, are we?

Oh, you think
this is child's play.

Well, isn't it?
In the hands of a child, yes.

But as a test of skill,
concentration and dexterity...

[ LAUGHING ]

Would you care for a small
game until the drinks arrive?

Surely.

That is unless you are
afraid to take on Clouseau.

I'm not afraid, Monsieur.

In fact,
I'm looking forward to it.

[ CLATTERING ]

Onesies. Onesies. One.
Yes, I've got it.

I have it right here.

Right.

Twosies.
You didn't pick anything up.

I did.

You had that lot in your fingers.
No, twosies.

I don't write them
unless you pick up.

Twosies. All right, twosies.

Threesies, threesies. Threesies.

[ HORN BLOWING ]

[ LAUGHING ]

A miss.

All right. All right. All right.
A veritable miss. Miss.

All right. Yes.

Here we go with this one now.

That's it.
No, you can't move the jacks.

The train hit a bump. I tell you
and when the train hits a bump...

You're breaking all the rules. It's my
jacks and I'll do what I want to do.

They're not your jacks. Yes.

Yes, all right.
That's it, that's it.

Leave them as they are. Now throw the ball.
Yes, all right.

Throw their ball. Onesies.
Onesies, onesies.

[ STUTTERING ] Twosies.

No! I have it, twosies.

You rang, sir?

Get away from me when the
jacks are hot. Get out!

Don't bother a man. Come on.

[ TRAIN HORN HONKING ] Threesies.

[ GUN FIRING ]

[ CLOUSEAU GROANING ]

Here's the ball. Your turn.

You quit while you're ahead?

Come back and finish the game.

Weaver,
come back and finish this.

Finish the game.

L-Listen.

We'll finish the jacks and then
we'll have a wrestling match.

[ GRUNTING ]

Not the door. No.

All right, I'll take off
20 points from my score.

No, please! Please!

[ HORN BLARING ]

[ MUTTERING ]

NICOLE: I didn't like that man.

He won't bother us any-more.

Read us a story.

"Edward Bear,"

"known to his friends as Winnie
the Pooh or Pooh for short,"

"was walking
through the forest one day."

[ MAN ON P.A. CHATTERING ]

Inspector Clouseau? Yes.

Ah, permit me to
introduce myself.

Director of National Security.
Hoeffler, isn't it?

The Minister of Finance
has assembled

the bank presidents
as you requested.

Good. Come.

The car is waiting outside.

Just a minute, Jacques. You
must be very careful. You see.

I saw Weaver on the train and
I think he's one of the gang.

Thank you. I'll see you
at the Tellerhof, huh?

Yeah.

[ TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING ]

One minute. Of course.

Get that girl.

This car is at your disposal.

The driver has his instructions.

[ BELL DINGING ]

How did it go? Everything
according to plan.

Good. We'll stop
and switch clothes on the way.

[ CLOCK CHIMING ]

[ CAR DOOR CLOSING ]

Change and get back
as quickly as you can.

Yeah. Right away. See you.

BERGESCH: And finally Zurich.

It is for these reasons,
gentlemen,

that I have called you all,

you bank presidents of Switzerland
here to Zurich today.

I, as the responsible
Minister of Finance,

have declared this to be
a national emergency.

And I have
pledged on your behalf,

your fullest,
your fullest cooperation

to Inspector Clouseau.

Inspector.

Mr. Minister,
honoured bank presidents.

After months of
meticulous police work,

we have managed to
piece together a picture of

what we think
the crooks will do.

The robbery will
take place tomorrow.

ALL: Tomorrow?

JAVAERT: Saturdays
the banks close early.

Precisely. Inspector Clouseau.

Yes?
If you are so well-informed,

how's it possible that you don't
know which bank they plan to rob?

Well, you see, from time to time

the gang has had all your
banks under surveillance.

Oh, I see.

Now, I want you to take
a very good look at my face.

When the time comes, I shall fly
by helicopter to the unlucky bank

and personally supervise
the transference of all funds.

I have with me today Inspector
Weaver of Scotland Yard

who has a few more
remarks to make.

Inspector Weaver.

Gentlemen, under
no circumstances whatsoever

are you to follow any instructions
from an intermediary.

Neither must you accept or honor

any apparent radio
or telephone message

from either
Inspector Clouseau or myself.

Only that way can you be sure
that your money is safe.

In the hands of
Inspector Jacques Clouseau.

There,
now may I speak to London?

But that's...
That's all the change I have.

I've been trying to make
this c-call for an hour.

Wait, wait.

My mother has just come by.

Mother, have you got any money?

Yes. Very good,
thank you very much.

Oh, luckily she had
some change with her,

a miraculous occurrence
that she didn't tell me about.

Oh, and here comes
my Uncle George.

Uncle George seems also to have a
little bit of change with him.

And here it comes into the
telephone at this very moment.

[ GRUNTING ]

And here comes my sister with
another 20 centimes and 20 more.

Thank you very much,
dear relatives.

Now, uh...

[ EXCLAIMS ]

70 centimes more
but I have no more buttons.

I mean, can't you trust me,
a policeman of good standing?

Wait, I'll... I'll see if I can find
someone in this humble village

that will trust a man with an honest face.
Don't go away.

No. Wait, I made a mistake, don't
hang up the tel-telephone.

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

[ CHILDREN CHATTERING ]

Looks like rain.

[ BELL TOLLING ]

Listen, have you...

Hey, can... can I borrow? Can...

Ah! No, I need...
I need 70 centimes.

No, I'm not one of the poor.

I have to make a telephone call.

[ STUTTERING ]
I have to make a phone call.

I'm not a thief or any... Here.

I... I have a wristwatch, a watch.

I will... I will... I'll give
you my... my... my automatic,

slightly waterproof watch. I'll
give you trade for the money.

[ SPEAKS GERMAN ]

Yes. Yes, that's...
That's what I always say.

[ CLANGING ]

No, you don't!

Some scoundrel put his, uh,
buttons in the telephone.

It's kaput.

We've got two minutes
to get this truck moving.

Now, Steele, me old darling,
how's all this going, all right?

It's finished, do you want to see it?
Yes, certainly.

Oh, that's great. Marvelous.
Keep that up.

Well, come on you guys.
Get this thing moving.

I'll be back
in about 20 minutes.

Make sure that
every-thing's ready.

Be ready. Bank President Wulf was
warned that this might happen.

Yes, yes, but when a man is
having his first grandchild...

I order you to transfer
everything from the vault

to the armoured car
waiting outside.

I shall take
full responsibility.

Of course, Inspector Clouseau,

now that it is no longer
my responsibility.

I'm sorry, sir,
the bank is closed.

I have an... I have an emergency.
I can't allow you.

Listen, I must cash
a check for three francs.

I have to make a telephone call.

We have no money.

[ STUTTERING ] What do you
mean you have no money?

I told you, we have no money.

The Bank of Zurich has no money?

W-W-Where is...
Where is the concierge?

Hey, listen, concierge,
I have an important...

Inspector Clouseau!

You know who I am?

Yes, but you... you... you
just left with the money.

No, no, no. This fellow here
won't give me any money.

Yes, but surely, I mean...

It's a boy! It's a boy.

[ CHUCKLING ]

It's a boy. It's a...

Inspector Clouseau!
Oh, no, no, no, not my bank.

It's amazing. How is it everyone
in Zurich knows who I am?

The Inspector took
full responsibility

so all our money has been
loaded into the truck.

That's perfectly all right.
It's part of the plan.

Plan? What... What plan?
Your plan.

No, my plan is to cash a check

and make
a telephone call to London.

There's something
terribly wrong.

Well, I'm glad someone
finally agrees with me.

Guard! W-W-What do you mean,
"Cash a check"?

Take him, take him!

No. It's... It's only five francs.
No need to make a fuss.

Come on, fellas,
let's get this thing moving.

CLYDE: Come on,
get these doors open.

Quickly, come on. Right.

Heave!

Come along, we haven't got all day.
Push it!

Come on.

[ GRUNTING ]

Okay.

What are you doing here?

I let you in. You're supposed
to be watching the main gate.

You heard what Johnny Rain...
Inspector Clouseau said.

He almost gave
the whole thing away.

Now, for heaven's sake, man, bolt that
door and let nobody else come in.

How's it going?

Hold my slide rule
and I'll find out for you.

It should be all ready
in about an hour and 10.

Good, keep the thing going.

Come on, quick, man,
get this over there.

Watch you don't strain yourself.

Come on, Steele.

Okay. CLYDE: Over there on top
of that crate there, will you?

[ WHIRRING ]

[ SHIP'S HORN BLOWING ]

Okay, swing it down.

Hold to your left.
Okay, now let her go.

Down. Come on, go in slow.

Come on. Don't waste time...

Well, by now, Steele, old chap,

they're searching airports and
railroads for our fast getaway.

The last thing the police
will be looking for

is a slow moving barge
loaded with candy.

Yeah, couldn't have
done better myself.

Now, look, I have to be
in the city in 10 minutes.

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

If we've got to take a ride on this
floating time bomb, what about him?

The Superintendent Weaver is the
only member of our little group

with a legitimate reason
for being in Switzerland.

While you people are taking a
pleasure-cruise down the Rhine,

good old Weaver's gonna be stuck
at headquarters, isn't he?

So that if anything goes wrong,

you'll get warned, won't you?

Yes, well, you know that
we're on 102 megacycles,

so you will keep
in contact with us.

You gonna take me or not?

Yeah, come on.
We'll meet again in Cologne.

Cologne.

[ SEAGULLS CAWING ]

[ SHIP'S HORN BLOWING ]

NEWSPAPER MAN: News, Express.
Robbery sensation.

Famous French Inspector arrested.
Read all about it.

[ WHISTLE BLOWING ] News, Express.

You're only the watchman
at the Lindt factory.

Mmm-hmm.
How did you get the money?

Well, I... I... Perhaps we
can refresh your memory.

Bring in Clouseau.

Be so kind as to
empty your pockets.

But I already have. On the desk!

Ah, thank you, Beckman.

Do you recognize this man?

Yes, I do. Can I go now?

You're a teller of tales,
my friend,

and also you are a liar!

If there's one thing I
despise, it is a cop gone bad.

Have a care
who you're calling a cop.

I happen to be a full inspector.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

J'accuse!

This man threw me
from the 917 Zurich Express,

stole my money, and... and I accuse
him of... of cheating at jacks.

This fellow's ill.
Look after him.

Here, that's mine.
I... That's a dangerous...

Sayonara.

[ MUMBLING ] Here, that's mine.
You've had yours.

That man's a crook.
Stop that man.

Beckman! That man's a crook.

He's had his share,
this is mine.

Beckman, I called you. I
said to stop him, you fool.

Man? I saw no man.

[ ALL CLAMORING ]

I saw nobody.

[ EXCLAIMS ]

Take his feet.
We'll get rid of the body.

There are two of you.

Come on, let's hurry it up.

My face! You've stolen my face.

Give me back my face, you fiend.

[ GLASS SHATTERING ]

[ MUFFLED ]
Oh, my head. Help me! Help!

Oh, my!

Thank you.

[ MUFFLED SCREAMING ]

Hit him back.

And that... And that's just
the beginning, my friend.

I've just...
I've just begun to fight.

If I had a silver bullet,
then you'd see.

Are you all right? Yes.

Can I help you?

What an experience!

Ah, it lives!

Get him. Get him.

This person.
Get him, get him from behind.

He'll break my neck.

Hit... hit this... this...

I can't stand that the pain.

He's dead.

Who was he?

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

[ HORN BLOWING ]

♪ [ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO ] ♪

[ SEAGULLS CAWING ]

We are here waiting at the
Lindt Chocolate Factory

to get a statement
from Inspector Clouseau

who's just been
released from custody

as a suspect
in this massive robbery.

Ah, here he comes. Ah, Inspector...
Latest reports tell us...

Hello... in charge of this
world wide investigation.

Inspector Clouseau. Yes?

Could you give us
a statement please?

Yes, chocolate makes
one very thirsty.

But, this is Telstar,

millions of people all over
the world are watching.

Yes, listen to this.

Millions of people
all over the world.

There has been a robbery.

The money has been spirited
out of Switzerland

wrapped as innocent
little Lindt chocolate bars.

It could be anywhere,

so if your chocolate bar
has money in it,

be sure and contact me
and I promise you

not only the gratitude
of the Swiss Government

but a free chocolate bar
as well. Thank you.

Give me that! That's my money.
Get away. Get away.

I saw this first.
I got my hands on it.

I had this suit made
in Hong Kong.

[ YELLS ]

MAN ON RADIO: We report the
autobahn from Cologne's sealed off.

That's our final report.
Over and out.

Roger and goodbye.

CLOUSEAU: Is that you?

Yeah, of course it's me.

I've been trying to contact you.
Where've you been?

You still wearing
that ridiculous face?

How dare you
talk to me like that,

you common prison barber, you.

Hey, wait a minute.
Don't touch... touch my face!

But you're dead, aren't you?

Yes, and you're under arrest.

What do you want, handcuffs? Yes,
that's what I'm... I'm looking for.

Well, maybe you left them
in the car.

No, they're not in there. I just...
Here are the keys,

you need the keys
to the handcuffs.

No, that's my car keys.

They're over there. They're
over there, get the keys.

You come with me. We're both...
People are getting annoyed.

We're both going down...
Take a look at that traffic.

Quiet! You get the keys,

I'll stay here.
You get the keys.

All right, don't...
Don't go away!

All right, I'll stay here.

Where are my keys?
What have you done?

Where are my keys?

[ CAR HONKING ]

Where are they?
They're not here.

[ BOTH EXCLAIMING ]

[ BELL RINGING ]

Don't... Don't push that. Don't do that.
Don't start the bridge.

[ CLOUSEAU SHOUTING ]

[ HONKING ]

Help!

[ YELLING ]

Ow! Ow!

[ HORN BLOWING ]

Help! SOS for
a drowning detective!

[ WOMAN SCREAMING ]

CLYDE: Hey, what you got there?

I've brought you
a little present.

Present?

MAN: Here, come on, haul him in.

CLOUSEAU: Don't, don't! Don't grab
me by my right arm like that.

Get up!

Oh, if I wasn't encased
in a balloon

you'd see some action
at this point.

Let... Let me go.

Inspector Clouseau,
welcome aboard.

Run for your life,
these are dangerous criminals.

We're all criminals, on this
boat, ain't we, Rainbow?

Johnny Rainbow.

You can't trust anybody any more.

Oh, Inspector Clouseau,
you can trust me.

And while we're at it,
I'd like to say

how very grateful we are to you.

For without your cooperation
and that exquisite face,

I couldn't have pulled off
this entire operation.

[ ALL LAUGHING ]

Bye-bye, Superman.

Take him away.

You'll soon... You'll soon be laughing on
the other side of my face, my friend.

Ow! Ow!

That hold was ruled illegal
at the Geneva Convention.

Ow! Ow.

Jacques, they got you too.

Are you all right?
You look awful.

What have they done to you?

Dragged me backwards
in the water without skis,

thrown me from a train,
given me drugs,

and worse than that, they
punctured my rubber underwear.

But still you're alive
and in one piece.

Now, let's figure some way
of getting out of here.

You figure it out.

What do you mean
I figure it out?

What are we going to do,
Jacques?

I mean that I don't know
what we're going to do.

But they're going to kill us.
How can you talk like that?

I can talk like that
because I face facts.

I ruin everything I touch.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

Arrested twice. I destroy a phone
booth at the railway station,

I steal from a nun.

I don't know my own face. A man comes
up to me with my own face tied on.

I don't recognize who it is.

I don't...
I don't deserve to have

this autographed picture
of Sean Connery.

You accept defeat so easily.

So easily? This defeat has taken
every ounce of my strength.

No, every thing's going
to turn out all right.

It's not.
They're going to kill me.

They're going to kill me,
I tell you.

Thanks. I needed that.

Now maybe you can face reality.

Look, you got Weaver. The worst
traitor Scotland Yard's ever had.

That's true.

You killed three members of the
gang single-handed and you...

I don't mean to interrupt you,
it was five, you know.

And you helped
to find the money.

Helped? What do you mean, "helped"?
I did it all by myself.

Who do you think got the money back?
It was me.

We're going to bust
our way out of this tub.

[ CLANGING ]

[ GROANING ]

That was not the door.

[ HORN BLOWING ]

Okay, you two, let's go.

[ ZAPPING ]

[ BURSTING ]

CLYDE: Now, this is your
last chance, Inspector.

Now, do you work for us or do
we have to get rid of you?

I don't want your money.
I have my health,

I have my hair, I have an
apartment with an icebox.

And the love of a good woman.

Terribly moving.

I wonder whether
we can help them out somehow.

Lash them to the tarpaulin.

I'll leave you with this...
Ow! Oh, the deck...

I leave you with these words...

Oh, wait, I'm...
I'm going to leave...

Frey, what time do we rendezvous
with the Star of Tangiers?

Oh, well, owing to this
fog, my calculations...

I don't care about
your calculations, Frey,

ask the gentleman up there
how we're doing.

What are we going to do
with these two idiots?

Oh, do stop worrying, Steele.

By the time they find them,
we'll be miles away, I hope.

Hey, Fred, what time are we
going to make the rendezvous?

I don't know. We're having trouble.
We're losing way.

CLYDE: What did he say? There's
something wrong. We're losing way.

Losing way? How can...
Look, we're sinking!

We're sinking! For heaven's
sake, abandon ship everybody.

We're sinking!

Don't just stand there.
Keep those crates moving, men!

[ ALL CLAMORING ]

Out of my way.

They've gone!

Typical,
rats leaving a sinking ship.

I suggest we... we swim to shore.

In which direction?

Well, it's a river.
In any direction.

Well, maybe
I ought to scream for help.

Yes, that's a good idea.

[ SHIP HORN BLOWING ] Help!

I don't...
I don't think they heard you.

To track them this far and then to
lose them. It really is too much.

Would you like a cigarette?

Yes.

I'll get one. It's... It's
a menthol cigarette.

I... I hope you don't mind.

Menthol? Oh, no!

You don't like menthol? No.

I find it has
a much cooler smoke.

Oh, okay.

[ AMBULANCE SIREN WAILING
ON TAPE RECORDER ]

What's that?

There's an ambulance
drawing alongside.

[ TAPE RECORDER REWINDING ]

♪ [ MARCHING BAND PLAYING ] ♪

[ AIRPLANE WHIRRING ]

Goodbye, my darling.

Goodbye. See you next week.

Yes, a week of loneliness,
my dear,

but I will have everything
ready for you when you come.

And you will call me tonight?

Yes, as soon as I get
off the plane, my dear.

I don't want to rush you,
but I think perhaps you...

Well, Braithwaite,
you old son of a gun!

The time has come for us to say
goodbye, eh? Yes, indeed, it has.

And I want to say that it's
been a wonderful, wonderful...

Right, exactly.

In every regard.

Naturally and so shall I.

And if ever again
you should happen to be...

And I certainly will. And please don't
hesitate to make use of my name

and, uh, please call me
if ever you need me.

Oh, no, no, no...
No, no, no, no.

Please, I insist.
No, really, I wouldn't...

I wouldn't... I'll be
more than happy to come

I wouldn't do it.
At my own expense.

Indeed. Yes.

Well, cheerio then. Yeah.

[ GROANS ]

Goodbye, Jacques.

Well, goodbye.

Goodbye. You can expect
to hear from me shortly.

Yes.

Well, don't, uh, don't take
any wooden francs, yes.

Inspector? Yes?

Mrs. Weaver!

The Widow Weaver
thanks to you, Inspector.

No, no, Miss. Listen,
don't do anything

that you'll be sorry for...

For our first night alone together
in that naughty Paris of yours.

[ CLOUSEAU SHOUTING ]