Original subtitles

WHISTLING TUNE

WHISTLING TRAILS OFF

Ma, I'll be in the car.

I'd rather live next door to a rotting mountain of fish!

Yeah.

Eh? Yeah, yeah.

That getting you arrested took planning.

They're cleverer than I thought, those Jerebohms.

Well, I'm not gonna give it another thought, Ma, and neither should you.

Well, what if you ARE charged with burglary?

That's obviously what they want.

One thing I've learnt, Ma, is...

a lot of things may happen, and a lot of things may not.

Oh. Thank you, oh, wise one (!) Hm.

Oh, there she is.

Oh!

Um...

ITEMS CLATTER And she's the bright Larkin.

She's nervous, bless her.

Oh! Gosh.

It's like watching chickens.

Oh...

MA LAUGHS

I don't mind driving you all the way to work, love.

Thanks, but the journey will give me time to gather my thoughts

on this auspicious day. "Auspicious"!

How did you and me make this one, eh, Pop? Yeah.

You go get 'em, my girl. We're so proud of you.

Thanks, Pop. I'll do my best.

I'll wait with you till it comes.

Ma, I'm not a child any more.

I know, but I'm your mother, and that's not gonna change,

no matter how grown up and sophisticated you get!

See you in the village!

HE HONKS HORN Ooh!

Here's your flighty Reverend Handsome.

Ma! Please.

Morning, Reverend!

Oh. Good morning.

Er, where are you two going?

Sorry, is that rude? No! Work, first day.

Ma's just checking I don't get on the wrong bus and end up in Calais.

Yes, I read your article. It was brilliant.

Perhaps you could write something for the parish magazine.

SHE LAUGHS God, no. No-one reads that!

I'm sorry. No, they should. I mean, they should.

I'm sure it's marvellous,

now that you're involved. Don't know about that.

Well, I'd... best be getting on.

Bye.

Ugh...

Why did I say that? Was I rude?

You were lovely. You both were.

Completely hopeless, but lovely!

Thank you.

CHUCKLING: I don't remember us being so tongue-tied!

No, we knew what tongues were used for.

HE LAUGHS

Walk on. Don't let them intimidate you.

I am known for my forgiving nature.

But you two have got a nerve,

swanning about after what you've done.

I think you'll find it was your husband that got arrested.

I was trying to help you!

We'll let the courts decide that, shall we?

It'll never GET to court! Ma...

You great pink harlot!

Hit her.

I don't think that would be very wise.

Come on, Ma.

Ignore 'em.

Let's go and get a little something to steady our nerves, eh?

Yeah, you're right. Oh...

I'll join you.

I'm just on Cupid duty. Ah.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Sorry to bother you, Reverend.

Oh, Mrs Larkin. How can I help?

I just brought some flowers for Miss Pilchester.

I heard she's doing the plinths this afternoon.

Plinths?

Yes, plinths. It's the Everest of church floral arranging.

I thought she might be in need of some tall ones.

That's very kind.

Are you not tempted to join the flower ladies yourself?

Ooh, no, no, they're a vicious lot.

One drooping carnation on the vicar's big pedestal,

it's social death.

Are you not a regular churchgoer?

No, not really.

I do my praying amongst the bluebells, truth be told.

Well, I'm always here for you.

Perfect! Supper at Larkin Farm, tonight at seven.

See you there! I'm not sure I'm available...

Oh, you wouldn't want me to think that your

"I'm always there for you" is just some old flannel, would you?

No. Lamb?

Goose? Chicken in a basket? Sausages in a basket?

Stop me if you like the sound of any of these.

Chicken? Smashing.

And bring your appetite!

Kitchen's through there.

You'll be responsible for sorting the mail there.

Ubiquitous filing.

And ashtrays are emptied in there, not in the wastepaper baskets.

We've had fires. End of tour.

Thank you. And where would you like me to sit?

Anywhere you like.

Not there.

Sorry.

And what would you like me to do first?

Pop the kettle on?

Absolutely. Right away.

VEHICLE APPROACHING

Oi, oi!

Fruity!

Fruity Pears!

All right, Pop? Must be ten year.

You've aged. I have - ten year.

HE CHUCKLES How's the fair lark treating you?

Business isn't what it was.

Is it better? I'm thinking of turning it in.

No! Some days, I can't even cover me coconuts.

I blame the telly.

Well, pull up over there, on the green.

I'll help you drum up some business. You're on a hiding to nothing, mate.

Trust me.

HE LAUGHS

Park up.

Look!

Drive into the puddle and drench them, Daddy.

I'd rather not make things any worse.

Drive into the puddle and drench them, Daddy!

THEY EXCLAIM

Hate you!

You've got a flat tyre!

BRAKES SQUEAL

THEY EXCLAIM

Give me those keys, tiny girl, or I will... Zinnia!

If you do that, I will personally feed you to the cow next.

Too late.

SHE LAUGHS

How long does it take until... I don't know!

Bye! ALL LAUGHING

TYPEWRITERS CLICKING

Can I do anything to help? Too busy to think of anything.

Lance?

Still no. Just quicker if I do it myself.

OK, well, just shout if you need me. Will do. But, Primrose,

maybe ask every 15 minutes instead of every five.

Got it.

MUTTERS: Every... 15...

Oof! Morning, sir!

Harvey. Harvey, let me help you with those.

I'm glad I caught you, actually, because I wanted to have a word.

Are those words "Would you like a cup of tea, Harvey?"

No. Should they be? Yes, they should.

Two sugars. Thanks awfully.

My-My pleasure.

D'you think we should tell the kids about the other night?

Just say I had cramp, like we always do.

THEY CHUCKLE I meant about the Jerebohms!

Nah. It'll all have blown over by teatime, Ma, trust me.

DOOR OPENS Ma!

It wasn't our fault. They came out of nowhere.

We saved as many strawberries as we could.

I thought they were coming for us! Hang on, hang on. One at a time.

What's happened? Who's come for you?

The Jerebohms. They tried to run us off the road.

They've got it in for us. This is a campaign.

Did you get 'em back? Yeah. A bit.

There you go, then. You normally wanna pitch in too.

The Jerebohms are spoiling for a fight,

and from now on, we're not gonna give 'em one.

Understand? Not really. Well, that is what's happening.

Come on, my little lemon pips, let's get you out of these wet togs.

THEY MOUTH

Primrose, what are you doing? A tea station.

I got the urn out of the back room.

There is a selection of teas and coffees

and the best home-made biscuits in Kent.

So just help yourselves.

Oh, I see.

Which means I'm now free to do some actual work.

So, will you give me a proper story,

or shall I just go and get one myself?

Oh, God, she's clever.

Mmm. She's not wrong about these biscuits, either.

Oh!

SHE INHALES DEEPLY

Oh! Mmm.

SHE GASPS

I love you, children!

Only joking.

Eat some carrots. I'm not really hungry.

Right, you lot, eat up sharpish.

I've got a cracking evening planned for us.

Take a look at this!

Ah!

Oh, we spent some happy days at Fruity's in our youth, eh, Pop?

Not 'alf. "Arms inside the cars!"

AS FRUITY: "No snoggin' on the 'elter-skelter!"

"Be sick outside the cars!"

Guess what? He's here this weekend! So, who's coming?

Sounds ropey.

Yeah, we heard it was a bit old and crap.

Give me that! DOOR OPENS

Oh, Primrose, darling!

How was it? Brilliant.

Any chance of more biscuits tomorrow?

Turns out journalists like the truth and biscuits.

Not in that order.

Oven's on already, poppet.

Thanks. You'll come to the fair with us, won't you, Prim?

Oh... No, no, she'd like to relax at home after her first day.

Ma? I've got a guest coming.

What, so no takers? Really?

We'd rather have the swimming pool up and running. Yep.

Well, fine. But I can't let Fruity go belly-up

cos kids of today have forgotten how to have fun.

So I'll find folk who 'aven't.

Oh, don't go.

Pop! No, come back.

Kids, you've upset your father.

Do you know how hard that is to do? Sorry, Ma. Sorry, Ma.

Don't get spoilt,

like that little Cruella and the other Jerebohm devil-child.

Though what hope they've got, with those parents, I don't know.

Swimming pools!

Honestly.

Whatever happened to honest entertainment?

With the chance of losing an arm, crushed between bumper cars?

WHISTLING, BIKE CREAKING

POP STRAINS

Evening, Mr Larkin! Ah!

All right, Rev? Ma will be in the kitchen.

Take it easy on the God stuff.

Cos if she signs up to a nunnery, I'll hold you responsible.

I'll do my best.

Oh... Sorry, where are you taking that?

Squeaky bottom bracket.

Right, thank you.

I think.

POP CHUCKLES

Here he is, God's foot soldier!

Perfect timing. Pull up a chair.

Hungry? Yes, on purpose.

I'm told Larkin portion size is legendary.

This is a temple of plenty, and we know when we're lucky.

Me and my brood, we've all eaten, apart from Primrose.

What's life like at the vicarage?

I can't imagine that the vicar's much of a cook. No.

He's been known to heat up Spam,

but his real skill is waiting for someone else to cook for him.

SHE LAUGHS Ah, well, we all love a rogue vicar!

HE CHUCKLES

Why do we love a rogue vicar? Oh!

Reverend Candy. CUTLERY CLATTERS

Hello, Primrose.

Didn't realise you were here. He just popped in...

Well, you asked me... ..on the off chance.

Are you hungry, my love? Course you are. Take a seat.

While I get on with essential farm work outside.

I see. Ma, might we have a quick word outside?

Help yourself to gravy.

Cold gravy is the work of Satan. But you'll know that.

Could you please explain, right now, what you're doing?

I asked him to come over.

Why? You were all over him,

he panicked, knocked you back, you gave up,

so I'm helping you back on the horse.

Well, fair enough.

But now what?

You have a little chat over a lump of meat,

get to know each other better.

All very casual, like.

Thank you.

You're looking nice.

SHE CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY

So are you.

Er...

All right, General? Escaping from Colditz?

Jump in! Save your legs for another day.

Er, too kind. But I'd rather walk, let off some steam, eh?

Ah. Having a domestic?

Yes. My sister and I are in dispute about where the shoes should go.

Well, I can easily see how that gets out of control.

To be honest, we haven't stopped arguing

since we landed here in 1946.

Oh, and there's that faux pas with Angela Snow.

Where are you?!

Hah!

Run away! I'll put the shoes where I damn well please!

Where are we going?

I'm on my way to pick up Edith.

Little funfair in town, thought she might like it.

I'm sure. Who can resist a tunnel of love?

Steady on, General!

And, of course, she gets sad without company,

does our Miss Pilchester. Well, we are pack animals, Larkin.

Yeah. I'm sure The Pilch will appreciate it greatly.

Oh, "The Pilch", eh?

You and Edith ever considered combining forces, Brigadier?

Heavens, no. We all know Edith only has eyes for one man.

Oh, yeah, the dead fiance. Yeah. Terrible business, war.

Yeah, something like that, Larkin.

Something like that.

Oh, it's you, Mr Larkin. How splendid.

Brigadier, you are also a delight.

Pop is taking us to the funfair, Edith. Come along!

It's like a middle-aged version of The Wizard Of Oz.

I'd love to come, but what absolutely ghastly timing.

I've been experimenting with beetroot. I'm simply not ready.

Well, you are worth the wait. Don't you agree, Major?

The longer I'm out of the house, the better.

Then I'll scrub away at my purple and I'll be right out!

Experimenting with beetroot?

Best not to ask.

How could you let them feed the car keys to a cow?

They are fiendish children.

Make Gilbert wait by the cow and search the cowpats.

Make Blanche do it! Her face is like a cowpat.

Berndt is going into town to get a duplicate key.

Sending Larkin to prison won't be enough now.

I want his whole family humiliated.

Whoa.

I can't believe the incompetence.

All right, out you jump.

BRIGADIER AND MISS PILCHESTER GIGGLING

Come on. Brilliant.

CHATTER, SQUEALING

All right, Fruity? Promised I'd bring you some business, didn't I?

Is that it? Don't let appearances deceive.

These two are pillars of the community.

Once the village sees them knockin' about,

you'll be inundated, make no mistake.

LAUGHTER BOY: Go on, see how high you can go!

Oi, you lot! Calm it down!

Or what, you old git?

Or you'll regret it, that's what.

BOTH, MOCKINGLY: Ooh!

See what I have to deal with, Pop?

No worse than us when we were their age.

You rode a sheep naked into church.

Right, my treat. Come on.

What'll it be? Coconuts, roundabout, swings, or what?

When does the music start?

Do I need to put, er, money in it somewhere?

It's out of order.

And I've no money or inclination to get it back, neither.

That's a shame. I'd absolutely adore to get my hands on a coconut.

Right!

Fruity, I'll have five bob's worth, and get the prize ready,

cos Edith here played stoolball for Kent Ladies.

Not very well, by all accounts, but she played.

EDITH LAUGHS Thank you.

TEENAGERS SHOUT AND LAUGH

Hello!

Ow!

Ooh, that's gonna frighten off my customers.

You lot, that's it! Do one. Go on, get out of it!

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

I'm not having that.

Don't risk a hair of your fabulous head, Mr Larkin.

Come on, tone it down, lads.

Oh, you want it nasty, do you?

Yeah, cos nasty's more interesting than this crappy old fair.

Hey! It might be crappy, but at least it's all paid for.

Oi! Right. Now you've made me angry.

I could cut you up like a kipper, mate.

Argh!

Bloody hell!

EDITH GRUNTING, BOYS YELPING

And don't come back!

Leave it, Jed! Come on, Jed!

Edith Pilchester!

EDITH LAUGHS Well played, that woman, eh?

HE LAUGHS Thank you, thank you.

How much do I owe you for the balls?

You're joking?! I think she deserves a coconut, don't you?

She can have the lot.

That's it. I'm done.

MUTED CONVERSATION

PRIMROSE LAUGHING You're so funny!

CONVERSATION CONTINUES

CHAIR SCRAPES

SHE GASPS

HE SIGHS I've eaten so much, I can't move.

Oh, well, just sit there till morning.

Yes, just cover me in a tea towel so I don't scare your parents.

THEY LAUGH

I'm embarrassed that I needed your mother to engineer this.

Me too. Shame on you.

I'm not used to women.

I went to a boys' school, I studied with men, I...

The Holy Trinity are all men.

I think they hover above gender.

Yes, that is a theological minefield.

Well, I'm not used to men, so...

..let's learn together.

Hey, Ma.

Guess what? You've only missed Edith Pilchester

attacking Teddy Boys with wooden balls.

Get out of here. Swear on my life.

I've never seen quiffs move so quick!

How's the Romeo Rev and Prim?

They still strong at it? Yep.

Good.

You all right, Ma? What's going on?

You tell me.

Er...

All right, well, I do have a confession to make.

I hoped you'd get round to it. Oh, so you know?

Assume I know everything, always.

And you're not angry?

Nah, I'm more worried.

Worry? Where's the worry in buying a funfair?

You bought a ruddy funfair?!

Well, I couldn't let Fruity

just sell it to any old person, could I, Ma?

Some things need preserving.

What d'you think I was talking about? This!

Oh, Ma.

That's nothing.

Pop, we've got to take it seriously, It's a court summons!

Bloody jelly-bums, eh?

They must have friends in high places.

We need to take this serious.

You're on trial for breaking and entering.

You could go to prison. But I didn't do it.

Which is exactly what most of the poor buggers

in the clanger say, too.

No, we can't take a chance.

All right, all right, we'll sort it out.

Right, and we're gonna tell the kids, too.

Huh? Yeah.

And Mariette and Charley, if I can track 'em down

in the arse end of Europe, wherever they are.

No, not yet, Ma. They'll only worry.

Give me a chance to clear my name first, then we'll tell 'em.

All right, but I don't hold with secrets in this family.

And we'll need to keep your nose clean in the meantime.

Listen to that.

I don't hear anything.

Exactly! Victoria fixed my bike.

Well, us Larkin girls are known for being good with our hands.

Right.

I mean, we've... we've all got our talents.

What's yours?

Oh, erm... Gosh...

I suppose writing?

And I love poetry, Donne particularly.

Do you know him? Never heard of him.

Oh...

"I wonder, by my troth

"What thou and I did till we loved?"

I do wonder, actually.

So do I.

Thank you.

I-I don't mean "thank you".

Oh.

I mean this.

Do you want to jump on?

Why not?

THEY CHUCKLE

PRIMROSE LAUGHS

OWL HOOTS

CLANGING

RATTLING

CLANGING

Oh, grow up.

THUD

TELEPHONE RINGS

Who's telephoning at this time of night?

Oh, I don't know.

But it's never good news, is it?

TELEPHONE RINGS

Who is it? PC Larkin reporting for duty.

I-I-I'm so sorry to drag you out of your home. What am I thinking?

Don't fret, Edith.

I heard noises, and I was petrified those thugs had come to get me

because they heard my name, and anyone can look me up

in the telephone directory and find my address.

Perhaps I should have put a false one in, but...

Calm, Edith, calm, or you'll have a stroke.

I feel silly now, in fact, I increasingly do.

But they could be in the woodshed...

Exactly, so I'm gonna stay with you tonight until the morning.

Won't people talk?

Well, it's been known, but I'd rather that

than you lose your marbles, so where shall I kip?

Er...

Well...

Erm...

You must think I'm an absolute drip and a clot.

Quite the opposite.

Especially now we know you can kill a man with a wooden ball.

SHE CHUCKLES

SCRATCHING

Is that someone scratching at the door?

No, sorry, that's me.

I'm a massive scratcher in times of stress and excitement.

What brought on the attack of purple?

Surplus beetroot. I hate waste.

And perhaps the influence of Pinkie.

She may be evil, but let's applaud her commitment to colour.

Mm.

Who'd have thought it, eh? Me and you, chatting away in bed.

Yes, absolutely, that's... never, ever crossed my mind.

Things could've been so different.

Oh, don't. It's the hope that kills you.

If only your fiance hadn't have died during the war.

Ah. Yes, so...

What kills you is either the hope or...

crashing your Spitfire into a cliff.

What was he like?

Piers?

D'you know, I'm beginning to forget. Well, Edith...

You need to replace him, then.

Please don't just slip away in the morning.

I'd love us to...

have a cup of tea together, as if we had, you know...

As if we were...

Anyway.

Of course, Edith.

I'm gonna ask you for a favour.

Anything...

I'll take that one, please.

There we go.

CAR ENGINE WHIRS

They're back.

This is how you spend your time?

How funny.

I'd be mortified if my parents made me sell food.

Don't worry, we're not selling to you lot.

No, you don't tell me what's happening, I tell you.

Mummy, keep hold of your car keys. They can't be trusted.

You may have got the better of Mr Jerebohm,

but you won't get the better out of me.

I wouldn't bet on it. Have you come here just to say that?

Yes, I have.

That's pathetic.

Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Stop it!

Stop it!

You'll smirk on the other side of your countrified faces

when you find out what's happening to your precious father!

Mummy! The boy's stolen our car!

Hello, Larkin girls!

Ooh, you look cross.

Oh! Buy some strawberries. That always cheers me up.

Mummy, I don't think they fed the keys to the cow after all...

MUTTERING: Cretins.

It's great fun.

Vicar, morning. Fruity's fair.

Oh, thank you. See you over there.

Pol, Neil. There you go.

Bring the kids. Smashing. Bring the kids.

Come to Fruity's fair, it's great fun.

Don't go walking up that way,

you wanna walk that way, Larkin's Farm.

It's great. Come on, yeah.

Look what I won.

Larkin's Farm, Saturday. All right? Fun for all the family.

I mean, if you haven't got a family, keep practising.

GEESE SQUAWK

Your son has stolen our car.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, are you gonna have him arrested, too?

Why not sue me and the little twins an' all?

You know, I really don't like you.

D'you like anyone?

You and your happy bloody face and your happy bloody husband,

walking about the place, smiling, with your happy bloody kids,

as if you haven't got a care in the world.

Why does that bother you?

Because it's all a big lie.

You're so wrong about that.

Well, if it wasn't before, it will be soon.

You're not gonna get away with trying to destroy my family,

our happiness.

I believe these are yours.

And where is our car?

GEESE FLAP AND SQUAWK

STREET ORGAN CLUNKS, HE GRUNTS

CYMBAL CLASHES

What's the point of it if it doesn't work?

I could say t'same about you.

I hope you're not hoping to make any money out o' this,

cos you won't, you know?

Some things are worth more than making money, me ol' mucker,

and knowing you can put your feet up

and enjoy your retirement, Fruity, is one of 'em.

Retirement? Nah, I got myself a job on one of them cruise ships,

fillin' up t'fruit machines.

Well, I tell you what, I'll pay you double

if you stay on and run this for me, round the locals.

Well, then it'll be like nothing's changed?

Yeah. Just how I like it.

You wouldn't have done it man and boy if you didn't love it.

Well, er... if you want.

You've got a deal. HE SPITS

Well done, Fruity. THEY CHUCKLE

You sure about this, Pop? Course I am, Ma.

I couldn't let Fruity just flog the fair, could I, eh?

We had our first kiss on those swings.

Mm. HE LAUGHS

Nah, we had our first kiss in Jethrow's barn,

so I dunno who you're thinking about on them swings,

but it wasn't me.

STREET ORGAN WINDING UP

STREET ORGAN PLAYING

Ma, they'll soon be 'ere.

Fruity, me old mucker, look after my balls.

POP CHUCKLES Not a problem, Pop.

CHATTER, HUBBUB

POP LAUGHS Come on, roll up everyone.

WOMAN: Hello, Pop. You all right? Good.

What was it... ? SPEECH FADES OUT

Now, keep the coconut in your eye line at all times,

then fire, fire, fire and a coconut may be yours.

We don't like coconut. Nor do I - revolting.

It's coconut as prize, not as edible fruit.

What? It's about the journey towards the coconut, not the...

Forgive me, I'm not used to children.

Have you nailed in these coconuts? POP CHUCKLES

MISS CHAND: ..Because it happens every time.

You say you want candyfloss.. And I do.

..then I get it for you, and you never finish it.

Well, this time, I will, though. I promise.

Fine.

One SMALL candyfloss, please, Montgomery.

Comin' right up.

CHATTER, LAUGHTER

I hear you're a big horsey person.

I am. I love big horses. VICAR LAUGHS

Uh, but small horses, too.

I didn't mean that you favour big horses. I meant...

Oh, never mind. HE CHUCKLES

Of course, Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a humble donkey.

BACKGROUND LAUGHTER Mm.

That's very Jesus, isn't it?

Hm. It IS very... Jesus.

SHE HUMS

Yes, it's... Mm.

MACHINE WHIRS

Oh, for goodness' sake! It's all right. I'll take it slowly.

As a reverend... Mm.

..are you allowed to go on the rides?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Oh! Oh, that's nice.

Wh-Why would I not be?

I... don't know.

You two all right for drinks? Actually, I'd love a glass of water.

No. What you need, young man, is a quencher...

HE LAUGHS ..not water!

Primrose! Get Super-Rev here a proper drink.

Only if he comes with me to show me what he likes.

BIRDSONG, CHATTER

Do I detect a ROMANCE in the air?

Nothing gets past you, does it, Libby?

Oh, do you think so?

I sometimes worry that I'm a bit daft.

Thank you for lending me your husband last night, Ma.

You're very welcome, Edith.

LIBBY GIGGLES

I'm surprised to see you here, Norma...

on your own. Well, don't be.

I'm not joined at the hip to my husband...

except on Sunday mornings - Alec loves regularity.

Don't tell Alec I said that. I once let it slip

that you could time his bowel movements with a clock,

and he got a lot of ribbing.

You don't have to put up with his nonsense, you know.

Well, there's a bit of nonsense in every marriage, isn't there?

I know that your Alec is in up to his neck against us.

Well, I recommend that you stay on the side of the angels.

Is it me, or are people talking in riddles?

GATE SQUEAKS What if someone sees us?

So what? We're allowed to kiss, aren't we?

HE CHUCKLES I suppose so.

SHE LAUGHS

Only, I'd rather we kept it quiet for a bit.

You're embarrassed? Heavens, no!

Me, with a girl like you... BIRDSONG

But I-I've only just arrived, and I'm trying to focus on my work.

I don't want our relationship to distract people.

OK. We'll keep it between us.

For now.

One last go? SHE LAUGHS

Oh! THEY GIGGLE

MA CHORTLES I call it a triumph.

Not half. THEY CHUCKLE

I told you. Didn't I tell you? SADLY: You told me.

BACKGROUND CHATTER

Don't dawdle, brother. I've got to find a bin.

I feel sick. MISS CHAND SIGHS

Rev? So, God goes into this bar, right?

He see's the Devil standing on a table, singing...

Pop. Pop, we've got visitors.

STREET ORGAN JANGLING, CLUNKING

Oh, here they come. Leave this to me.

Oh, Pop, don't do anything rash. It's all right.

Be careful!

HE SPITS

It's all right, son. Thank you.

Oh, here he comes. Old guard to the rescue.

With a pretty bit of fluff by his side.

Get your greasy hands off me. Ooh, kitten's got claws.

Touch her again, you'll regret it. Is that right?

Yeah. Yeah, calm down geezer.

We've just come to join the party, and he gets all unfriendly.

Grown-ups today, eh, Jed? No manners.

Yeah. We should teach 'im a lesson.

HE CHUCKLES

I've heard better banter on Come Dancing.

Where's the old trout with the coconuts?

There she is.

That's it. I'll give you jokers ten seconds to get lost.

Or what? Pop, no.

Or this! Oh!

CROWD GASPS Oh!

Nicely done. Thank you, Ma.

TYRES ON GRAVEL, POLICE SIREN

Oh, thank heavens for that! BRAKES SQUEAK

WOMAN: Yeah, go on.

HE CHUCKLES Is there any candy floss left?

MISS CHAND: Here you are, PC Harness.

Arrest him, officer. The man's a violent animal.

Oh, Pop, tell me that's not true. You're still on bail.

You get charged now, they'll throw the book at you.

Bail? Pop, what's he talking about? Cuff him!

Look what he's done to Jed's face. And Jed's a psycho!

Pop, I have to ask. Did you assault this man?

No, he didn't. I did.

Really? Really? Liar!

You, Reverend Candy, of this parish, punched this man in the face?

Yup, bang to rights, as they say... I think. Yeah.

It was me. A-Ask anyone.

Anyone? CROWD SHOUTS AGREEMENT

They're lying!

Well, Rev, seeing as this is your first offence, I'm guessing,

and this lot are clearly a bunch of herberts,

I'll let you off with a warning,

all right, but don't do it again. I won't. Thank you, Constable.

Are you joking? You reckon

the scrawny parson's nose 'ere toppled Jed?

JED GROWLS Look at the state of 'im!

Yeah, come on then. Give it a try.

Oh! CROWD GASPS

Oh! Will that do?

Let's have a look. I do apologise.

Or do I? No, I don't, really.

He broke my nose!

Well, do something! Arrest him.

I, er... I'd love to, but it's half past six,

and I'm off duty now, so, you lot, get lost.

JED WHIMPERS

That was a lucky punch, you could've taken him.

You've got a great sense of timing there, son.

SHE CHUCKLES Thanks, Ma.

Yes. Who called you? Er, no-one.

I actually came to speak to you Larkins.

There's been a few complaints. Who from?

The Jerebohms. What? I've done nothing!

It's not you, Pop, it's Ma and the kids this time.

It's er, damage to a motor vehicle, theft of a motor vehicle,

abusive behaviour, and assault using fruit.

SHE STIFLES LAUGHTER

I thought this family didn't keep secrets.

Sorry, Pop. CHILDREN: Sorry, Pop.

All right, Ma?

Oh, watch out, Ma. We're surrounded. What's up, my lovelies?

Why did PC Harness say that you're on bail?

Now's the time, my love.

All right, then, you lot, come on, have a sit down.

Let's chat, eh? HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

But before we do, I want you to know this -

I'm gonna sort everything out, all right?

We all are... Yeah.

..cos we're gonna do this as a family.

No more secrets.

No more secrets.

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